Kidding (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Puppet Dalai Lama - full transcript

Jill asks Jeff a question he isn't sure if he can answer. Season finale

Previously on Kidding...

Have you ever wanted
to turn back time? proposal

that this proposal is
a real proposal to propose.

Can you live with that?

♪ I'm angry at God
and I'm angry at Jill ♪

♪ She was driving the car ♪

♪ It's her fault
we lost Phil! ♪ [gasps]

I wanna show you something

that I found in Mom's closet.

What is this?

[hoofbeats approaching]

♪ exciting music ♪

[horse whinnies]

[swords swish]


♪ tinkling bells ♪

♪ romantic acoustic music ♪


speaking Tibetan

speaking Tibetan

singing in Tibetan


speaking Tibetan solemnly

speaking Tibetan

[horse chuffs]

speaking Tibetan

♪ rushing music ♪


♪ abrupt chime ♪

♪ gentle harp and bell music ♪


"Begin by closing your eyes

and seeing the moment in time
you'd like to return to.

Now surround yourself
with the past."


"This trick,
if you can call it a trick,

is incredibly difficult
to pull off.

It all depends on one thing"‐‐

[Will] I'm sorry.

‐ [Jill] For what?
‐ Dad's right.

It's important to be honest.

[inhales, exhales]

Who are these wonderful people?

I made this decision without
you for a number of reasons.



[breath heaves]

So much of him is still here.

I'm sorry.

These are the friends
you don't get to have.

He's breathing our air.

His eyes read.

A 15‐minute ride away,

his heart beats
in a woman's chest.

He saved seven lives.

But I'd trade 'em all
for one more hour with him.

Did you read them?

They're not mine to read.
They're Phil's.

They're Phil's gifts.

Not yours.

I wanted him to have this
for himself.

If you knew,
you would've reached out.

You would've answered
all of these letters.

You would've invited them
all to Thanksgiving.

I'd be passing
the sweet potatoes

to his fucking pancreas.

The headlines would read,

"Jeff Pickles saves
seven lives,"

but Jeff Pickles
did not save seven lives.

Phil did.

That was his gift to them,

and not telling you
was my gift to him.

The headlines
would not have read,

"Jeff Pickles saves lives."

They did when you hit
my boyfriend with your car.

Are you gonna bring that up
every time we have a fight?


I was so angry

when that man threw
that flaming pickle jar

at the wrong house.

How could you say that?

I could have begun again...

could move.

Moving isn't moving on.

Do you want me to move on?

[softly] Yeah.

Then blame me.

For what?

I drove the car.

Blame me.

[no audible dialogue]

I don't understand
why you need that.

Because until someone
wearing your face said it...

‐ [Jeff sobs]
‐ I didn't realize how much

I needed to hear it from you.

This is not‐‐
this is...

It's not how you heal.

Do you blame me
for Phil's death?

I can't give you what you want.

Why won't anyone tell me
what I already know?

Why won't anyone
let me have that?

No one will let me have that!

But you will.

You'll say
what's in your heart.

You wanna sell the house?

Sell the house.

‐ Blame me.
‐ Stop it.

Blame me.

Blame me. Blame me!

‐ Stop.
‐ Blame me!

‐ Don't make me do that.
‐ Do you blame me?

Please, just answer
the fucking question!

Do you blame me?

♪ ragtime jazz ♪

[dance teacher]
And a‐one, two, three, four,

five, six.

Now knees.

One, two, three, four,

step, five, six.


[Lisa] Why was Jeff Pickles
at jazz night?

[Jill] He wants to teach
the Dalai Lama the Charleston.

So I told him
to come to class.

[Lisa] How do you two
even know each other?

[Jill] He lives in my building.

[game playing eight‐bit
version of "You Can Feel"]

[bells dinging]

[Lisa] Did you invite him
to the bar?


He said he'd come,
but you never know.

Does he drink?

No, but people are always
buying him shots,

which is great,
'cause then he gives them to me

and designated‐drivers me home.

[Mr. Pickles voice]
Nice playing, friend.

Wait, are you fucking
Jeff Pickles?

Oh, my God.

So what are the rules?
Can we curse around him?

You treat him like
a normal person.

Who transitions
between the real world

and the magical realm
of puppets

via a pickle barrel
with a parachute on it.

Just don't, like, pepper him
with dumb questions, okay?


Is it true
you're completely celibate?

Only in Japan.

Do you have a girlfriend?


Is Sy the Wide‐Eyed Fly death?

No, but a lot of people
ask me that.

Who's the most exciting
celebrity you've ever met?

Julie Andrews.

‐ [Lisa] What? No way!
‐ [Jake laughing]

‐ Oh, my God.
‐ What was she like?

A hurricane.

Mr. Pickles?

The folks over there
wanted you to know

you can drink
"anything at all" on their tab.


‐ Thank you.
‐ [Lisa chuckles]

[whistles fanfare]


[gulping cartoonishly]

I feel like there's
more steps tonight.

They might've put some in.

Did you know that you can
actually rent out

the New York Public Library

for a private function
for $60,000?

‐ Why do you know that?
‐ [giggles]

I think I'm gonna puke.

No, you‐‐you're not gonna puke,
'cause you're right here.

Too many people like you.


No one said you had to drink
the thank‐you drinks.

[both laugh]

‐ I'm a bag of liquid.
‐ Keys?

I can open my door.

‐ I know you can.
‐ Stop...

And that's what I'm gonna
let you do right now.

...yelling at me.



[both chuckle]

I like your dance friends.

That's good.

Good night.

Good night.

♪ wholesome acoustic music ♪


[ragtime jazz playing
from Jeff's stereo]


[jazz continuing faintly]

[rhythmic footsteps on ceiling]


[loud knocks at door]

[music stops]

Is the jazz too loud?

Sit down.

On the floor.

Sit down.

Tie your shoelaces together.

[stifles a laugh]

Can I talk?

You'll know when to talk.


And sit on your hands.

I'm falling for you.


I love you too.

‐ You need to stop saying that.
‐ I mean it.

But not in the way
that I mean it.

It's not unrequited.

Then kiss me.

I don't think
I have room in my life

for the kind of relationship
you want.

Every time we have
this conversation,

I am told to pretend
this is something it isn't.

I don't wanna be in a romantic
relationship with anyone.

I'm married to my mission.

Look around.
I'm a monk.

I'm married
to the children of the world.


enjoy watching
The Sound of Music

for the 46th time.

That's not fair.

I hope that you
and that bouncing lyric ball

find the happiness
you so richly deserve.

I love...



...our friendship.

I wanna protect it.

This isn't a friendship.

This is me in love with you.

I'm in love with you too...

as a friend.

If we can't be
more than friends,

I don't wanna be friends
at all.

♪ melancholy music ♪

Either this moves forward...

or it doesn't exist.


I don't know what to tell you.


Then it doesn't exist.

Come on.



It's for the best.

‐ [door clicks shut]
‐ Hey.

How you feeling this morning?

[door clicks open]

[Jill] I'm so excited you came.

[indistinct conversation]

♪ acoustic guitar music ♪


I'm gonna warn you:

my friends are really good
at trivia.


You seem like you can keep up.


[boyfriend, yelling]
Maybe you're who you are

‐ and I'm who I am...
‐ [woman] Oh, really?

...and we're just never gonna
see eye‐to‐eye

about, I don't know,



[door clicks open]

[all giggling]

Wait, should I bring a coat?

[Lisa] No, you'll just
get drunk and lose it.


I'm really glad
we threw a party.

[laughter fades]

[door clicks open]

[mover] Just‐‐no, like this.

Just hold it like this.

[mover] No, like this, dude.

You do this every time.
Hold it like this.

‐ This is!
‐ No! Like this.

‐ Like this.
‐ No, like this!

♪ melancholy vocalizations ♪


Oh, um, actually...

it is, uh, Second Street,
not Second Avenue.

New York, New York,


Thank you.

Oh, you forgot one.

♪ Change,
it's a lot of things ♪

♪ Strange,
oh, the fear it brings ♪

♪ Change ♪

♪ It takes you miles
from home ♪

♪ It brings your pain ♪

♪ Into precious view ♪

♪ Strange,
but refreshes you ♪

♪ Change ♪

♪ The ticking
of life's metronome ♪

♪ I understand why ♪

♪ You're contrary, love ♪

♪ Change is sweet ♪

♪ But scary, love ♪

From, uh, Sigma Tau Delta.

Okay, thank you.


♪ I know I'm wry ♪

♪ But don't out‐wryness me ♪

♪ Just be grateful ♪

♪ Minus me ♪

♪ Change,
it's a lot of things ♪

I miss you.

[ragtime jazz playing]


[knock at door]

May I enter?

Your Holiness.

A gift of thanks

for welcoming me
on your program.

I made this creation
just for you.

Salvador Dalai Lama.

He loves to paint...

and paints to love.

That's nice.
Thank you.

This was not the reaction
I was hoping for.

‐ I'm...distracted today.
‐ [Dalai Lama] Mm.


What's her name?

It's not‐‐
I‐I shouldn't bother you.

I once fell madly in love
with a woman.

She had brown hair
and brown eyes.

She lived on a mountain.

I was not supposed to love her.

But I did.

And it cost me everything.

When was this?



Do you ever regret
having a lifestyle that...


...prevents us from having
intimate relationships?


I am a monk.

You are not a monk.

You are children's puppet guy.

The problem with this woman
is about you.

Your calling is to raise
the world's children.

But perhaps what's stopping you

is that you are afraid
to have your own.

[high‐pitched voice]
Because of your mom

abandoning you.

Is that what you are afraid of?

I'm afraid I'll never be happy.


Happiness is a thing

that happens in the now.

It is fleeting.

It exists,

and then it does not.

There is only the pleasure
before the pain,

the smile before the suffering.

We could only be truly happy

if we could freeze time

But we can't.

That is impossible.

Is it worth it?

Dying for your love?

When love has hold
of your heart,

you go.

Go like a stallion.

♪ energetic music ♪


Thank you.

But remember:

I get reincarnated.


[Jeff gasps]






‐ [car horn honks]
‐ Ooh, jeez.

‐ Sorry!
‐ [driver] Son of a bitch!

[car horns honking]


[indistinct conversations
and laughter]

♪ traditional Italian music ♪

[people cheering in Italian]

[bellows] Jill!

[air rushing in slow motion]


[complete silence]

[dollar bills rustle]

[sound rushes back]

[cannoli mascot shouts]

shouts in Italian


I'm sorry.

What are you doing here?

I wanna have the conversation
we should've had that night.

Well, we could go somewhere
and grab a coffee.

I lied to you...

when I said we couldn't
be together because of my job.

Truth is...

I'm afraid of the pain
it would cause if you left.

And now that's all I have.


Also, Julie Andrews meant

Also, I know

that you've had
a lifelong fantasy

about getting married
in the New York Public Library.

But $60,000 is just too much
to spend on anything... my opinion, you know?

Could you say something?


It includes catering.

You read the fine print.

I Google things.

I don't like to spend money
on myself.

I don't like
not talking to you.

I beat your pinball score.

‐ No, you didn't.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

Knocked you
right off the chart.

It's when I knew
you were gone for real.

You casually destroyed
my life's work.

What about a backyard?

My dad could do the food.

Instead of gifts,

people could give
to a worthy cause.

I think we should date first.


Whatever you want.

I'll never leave you.

I'll never lie to you again.


Although we grow older,
there is always more

the universe has to teach us.

It is even a greater gift

when one encounters
a fellow traveler

with that same
childlike spirit

who wishes to grow

and learn

and marvel along with you.

Recognizing this,

I ask you, Jeff,

to look into Jill's eyes

and tell her.

Do you vow to nurture

and be nurtured,

protect and be protected,

nourish and be nourished,

so that you may grow

in this world


I do.


I do blame you.


[sobs, exhales]

[exhaling] Oh, thank you.

[breathing heavily]

I'm sorry about your dad.

♪ soft resonant music ♪

[Jeff] We can't turn back time,

but we can steal it.

Does your house have a clock?

Maybe it's on the microwave

or your father's wristwatch.


I want you to go to that clock

and I want you to turn
the time back one hour.

And I want you to spend
that hour with your family.

Treat them as what they are:

a precious gift
from the universe.

I can't be there
every day for you,

but there are people
in your life who can.

Your sisters and brothers,
mom and dad.

Cousins, friends.

Even your teachers.


[clock beeping]

See, family can be anyone
in the world who loves you,

anyone in the world
who gives you strength.

Excuse me.


Dad says
if the rocket explodes,

we're standing
in the debris field.


Please just try
and enjoy yourselves.

[man on radio] Welcome

to Dragon resupply mission

We're about 15 minutes from
our scheduled departure

to the International
Space Station.

Or as Astronotter would say...

[speaks gibberish]


Can I call you New Mom?

‐ Yes.
‐ Well, I don't...

Hershey Park, here we come.


Don't you fucking hurt Dolores.

speaking Serbian

I like your purple belt.

We get it, James.
You can see.

Sorry about your throat.

‐ [throat mic buzzes]
‐ You're all that I have now.

It's kind of nice.

[doll chimes]


I'm here.

Do you have an hour?

I want you to meet someone.

So tell me about
this $80,000 car.


How do you know the MSRP
of a Range Rover?

Mm, I Google things.

Do these heated seats
work in the summertime?

There's three settings.

now you're just showing off.


[both laugh]

[both sigh happily]


♪ Where do you turn ♪

♪ When there's no one
to turn to? ♪

♪ Where,
when it's so hard to cope? ♪


♪ How can you start ♪

♪ Make a change,
maybe learn too ♪

♪ What do you need? ♪

♪ stirring piano chord ♪

♪ Hope is the song ♪

♪ When the world
is a menace ♪

♪ Hope is the open... ♪

[no audio]

♪ ...door, ooh ♪

♪ Maybe getting back up ♪

♪ Again is ♪


♪ What falls ♪

♪ Are for ♪

[heartbeat thumping]

[heartbeat continues thumping]

[no audible dialogue]

[heartbeat continues thumping]

[complete silence]

♪ ragtime jazz ♪


♪ music continues ♪