It Takes a Thief (1968–1970): Season 1, Episode 15 - It Takes a Thief - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

Allow me.


Thank you.

[door closes].

Lovely, lovely.

On the contrary, it's rather a
shabby way to treat the golden org.

When I have finished with it, it will
be as lovely as before, excellency.

Only considerably livelier, no?


Beautiful, is it not, excellency?

Yadosh, you are a genius.

I can't hear a thing.


But, uh, where's the,
uh, where's the explosive?

Nitro starch.

The stuff you are fiddling with.

And the detonator is set.

We can outstrop it now?

Even if we want.

It will explode as you ordered.

Exactly at noon on the day of the ceremony.

As his highness leaves
the palace...


And the entire country is yours.

Unless, of course, someone
should hit it too sharply before that.

Plastic explosive is a trifle unstable.

I see.

Well, Yadosh, you've done well.

I have had many expenses, excellency.

The watchmaking business
is not what it should be.

Of course.

Ah, that is most generous, excellency.

Now I can do something
about fixing the shop.

You clumsy.

And also I do something about...

new glasses.


Good idea.


Oh, look, Al, I'm not asking you to spy.

Just asking you to steal.























And you know, you
move pretty good, Frankie.

You know, you make a wild queen.

Yeah, well... (GASP!)

Slow down, speedy.

I am slushing now already.

Say, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait, I think the hall it's that way.


I'm hip.

Oh, you are.

Well, are we going someplace?


To the Royal Tower Room.

You'll love it.




It's Rummage Day at Courtier.

And they'll all belong to the Queen.


Do you give trading stamps?

Somebody's stalling.


You know, you have the cutest nose.


Still stalling.

And the most marvelous shoulders.

Oh, you are a tough sale, lady.


Oh, my, that is posh, I must say.

What is it, a golden grapefruit?

No, it's a royal oar.

I carry it during the coronation.


Excuse me.





Samantha Sutton, beer heiress.

Third wealthiest gal in the world.

Kooky and a ding-a-ling.

And a guest at the palace.

She may have blown
us right out of San Marco.

You want to translate that?

Listen, Al.

There was a royal bash last night.

Miss Sutton got a little stoned.

And she also got a little light-fingered.

She was looking at the royal jewels,
and she shoplifted the royal orb.

She found it under a pillow in the morning.

Called the, uh, ambassador.

Yes, the royal orb.

All gold, and shaped
about the size of a grapefruit.


That's not funny.


Well, um, maybe you could get the ambassador
to drop it off on his way to tennis.

Our ambassador can't
become involved officially.

There's some very tricky
negotiations going on in San Marco.

Any hint of scandal can ruin our position.

What about Miss Ding-a-ling taking it back?

Since she's supposed to be
so chummy with His Highness.


The young king's a belter.

He's away right now, drying
out for a couple of days.

Besides, even if he was
available, it could get kind of sticky.

No, I...

Sit down.

Do you know how it would look?

An American playgirl
stealing national treasure?

You know what that would do
to our international reputation?

No, I don't.

Of course you don't.

This is no time for the
natives to get restless.

There's a plane leaving in an hour.

You'd better be on it.

No, you've lost me.

No, you'd better be on it, Al.
I'm not kidding you.

And when you get there,
she'll give you the orb.

And you get it back in the
tower room any way you can.

Isn't it a long way to go to
wet nurse a wealthy weirdo?

Do I have a choice?

Let me put it this way.

Either you get that orb back in the case,

or you go back in the slammer.

Nice way to put it.

It's incredible.

Are you sure she has it?

Well, I saw it under a pillow this morning,
but why would she do such a thing?

Well, she probably had
a little bit too much wine.

Just a prank. Nothing more.

I really feel awful.

I feel like an informer.

Nonsense, Nicole. You simply did your duty.

Shouldn't His Highness be told?

With all he has on his mind?

No, it's better kept between us.

I'll have a little chat with Miss
Sutton, and that'll be the end of it.

Well, if you think so, Your Excellency.

I do, my dear.

You can best help His Highness by silence,

and by continuing on as
Miss Sutton's chaperone.


She seems so nice.

I must say, coming from
you, that's most gracious.


Miss Sutton's suite has been
thoroughly searched, Your Excellency.



Well, search it again.
Don't you know the stakes?

But, Excellency, the orb was not there.

She must have it with her.


She might bump it and
blow up half the city.

Then people would ask questions
that we're in no position to answer.


Miss Sutton.

Miss Sutton.

I haven't got all day.

How do I know you're you?

Passwords. Always passwords.

I'm in the grapefruit business.

Hot grapefruit.


Is this a little goody?


Have you clipped too
many along, Miss Sutton?

I don't think I care for
your manner, Mr. Mundy.

Write to your Congressman.

Look, you have that.
Now, what more do you want?

Miss Sutton, waltz gently with me.

Let me try to make you understand.

I'm going to put that
back into its little nest.

I can't do it from the hotel.

I can't skulk around the palace
gardens without landing in the royal pokey.

I need help. You're elected.

What kind of help?

It shouldn't be too difficult.

I read that you and the
king are a large item. Right?

Don't get personal.

I want you to get me
in the palace as a guest.

Your guest.

Mr. Mundy.

Al, I'm your cousin, business manager, one
of your executives, whatever plays best.

It'll save time, and that's one
commodity we're running short of.





this will do for now.

Besides, I won't be staying long.

Will I?

Will I?

Oh, I have a very important date at
the races with some very important people.

Oh, no, I didn't tell me you
were a handicapper. Say, uh, I

get the distinct feeling
you're trying to avoid the issue.

Oh, no.

No, the ambassador
told me to dump the whole

thing in your lap and
then get out of your way.

So I'm dumping and
getting. And I'll try and contact

the king for you.
- Well,thanks. Listen, do hurry,

will you, because that ticking
noise you hear is time running out.

Okay, I'll contact you the minute it's set.

Are you always this domineering?

Well, fella dances with girl.

Somebody's got the lead.

Have a nice time at the track.






(phone rings)

- Yes?

- It's all arranged.

- Good girl.

What am I?

- Vice president of one of my breweries.

- Bottled or draft?

Wait a minute.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music).

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

- Hello.

- Mr. Mundy, what is it?

What's happening?

- There was a man in a hurry.

He couldn't wait for the elevator.

I'll see you later.

- Well, well, what happened?

- You know that the police in this
town have very suspicious minds.

- I thought you'd never get back.

- Yeah, I almost didn't.

The fuzz kept suggesting that I
pushed the hood out the window.

- But you didn't.

- Technically, no.

Happily, our late friend had a record.

Everything from head busting to litter bug.

Hired muscle.

He'd beat your mother's
head in for a buck and a half.

The police finally came to the conclusion

that he's a hotel
prowler, down on his luck.

- Which you don't buy.

- No, I don't buy it.

He went straight for the grapefruit.

He knew exactly what he was after.

- But I only told the
ambassador, no one else.

- Well, that was the
worst kept secret in town.

- Well, how could anyone find out that--
- Too early for guesswork.

The point is, he knows you cop it

and he'll do anything in the
world to get their hands on it.

- Why?

- With your loot, you'd never
have such a crass thought.

But believe me, on the open
market, it would bring a tidy buck.

It is pure gold and it is
a national art treasure.

All of which, where is it?

- Oh.

Fresh from the oven.

- A grapefruit cake.

- You told me to hide it.

- You know, Samantha, for a
ding-a-ling, that's a very smart move.

- It also concludes my portion
of the evening's entertainment.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I thought you booked me into the palace.

- You're expected.

My car is right outside,
just help yourself.

I'll take a cab.

- To where?

- The opera.

I'm already late, I've
missed the first act.

- Well, stop complaining,
you're ahead of the game.

- Good night.

- Good night.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- You're speeding up a little fast.

- A new precinct heard from.

- Faster!

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music).

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)



- Faster!!

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Check his wallet, check the backseat.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Oh, Alonzo, I haven't
the strength to throw it.

- A child's bauble and the
stomach growls for food.

My little friend...

... I'm afraid you're no hunter.


Van Zant, you're an idiot.

Shooting that tire.
What if the car had crashed?

It would have set off the bomb.

But Excellency, I
thought for sure he had it.

How else could I have stopped him?

I still can't understand.

Well, either he managed
somehow to get the orb out of the car,

or he never had it.

In which case, somebody else has stolen it.

Then it's hopeless.

No, no, you are hopeless.

Look, that orb is worth
a great deal of money.

Somebody's going to try and sell it.

So you spread the
word in the proper places.

One hundred thousand for that orb.

And no questions asked.

And then search that wooded area.

You check the falls. You behind every rock.

What is it, a hobby?


Mr. Mundy, this is insane.

Al, a nag on your own time.

Al, have you got any idea
how much this outfit cost me?

What do you think your skin costs?

You ever see any of them before?

Well, they're not exactly
members of the club.

Do you think they're
looking for the orb, too?

You better believe it.

They were the ones who
were at the tire shoot last night.

Come on.

Al, be with the energy of you, mate.
Make yourself at home.

Well, anything suit your fancy, Governor?

The Cupid. The one with the
arrow stuck in his own heart.

That's nice.

It's a popular number, that.
Never could figure why.

All right, mate, that's it.


You know, I'm a ruddy genius.
They could hang him in the Louvre.

Good. Really?

Be a good lad and
spread the word, will you?


All right, mate, what can I do for you?

Alexander Mundy.

Oh, yeah, the bloke that called.

Noah said you'd be round.

He also said that you have all the answers.

Blimey, it's him.

Who is he?

His name's Van Zant.

He's a proper dangerous mug.
He's got lots of contacts.

Any at the palace?

Is that a guess, mate?


Are you guessing?

Samantha puts the arm on the orb.

Right away, half the
kingdom knows about it.

Comes gunning.

Chances are that someone at
the source has a royal big mouth.

Can you fill me in?

Who've you met?

Several people.

Look, just start at the
top, mate, will you?

The King.

Oh, well, uh...

He's a bit wild, like his
dad, but he's a good nipper.

I know about Samantha. What about Nicole?

Well, like we used to say,
she's helping them down.

She's a loser, but she's got style.

She used to have the inside
running track with the King

until the rich one showed, and
then she was demoted to chaperone.

The Prime Minister?


Loyal, powerful.

Really close to the throne he is.

Well, that all adds up to a big fat zero.

Can you put a tail on Van Zant?

Tell him that's fair play, why not? Sure.

Did you get a chance
to look at the tar yet?

Samantha gave me the 50 cent tour.

Rough job.


24-hour sentry in front
of the jewellery room.

Did Noah send you a care package?

He did. Come on, I'll show you.

It's not the Bank of
England, but it's pretty swicky.

Here we are, love.

All for you.


Aren't you a bit ahead of yourself, chum?

I mean, how can you put something
back you don't even have yet?

Virgie, it hardly is.




Wait, innkeeper.

Surely this is worth a little wine, a drop
of food, a family heirloom, you understand.

A memory of better times.

Very painful to part
with, but...

...still lovely.

It's probably worth two francs,

but my kid may like it.


Come, Alonso. Here.

The chair.

Give me the captain.

Ha! A captain!

Of course. Yes.

Where is it?

It was right here, but
there was an old man.


He went out that way.
He's gone. He took the orb.

Move out.


My little friend.

Come here.

To sleep under a roof again.

How long has it been, my little friend?

Hardly goose down, but a beginning.


I think fortune will shine constantly now.

What a day to remember.

Four kingly feasts

in four different inns...

...and the magic bauble.

Still here, awaiting our bidding.

Alonso, I salute your genius.

Your canine perspicacity.

What is it, my little friend?

Alonso, are you mad?

Good evening.

Oh, dear Mr. Mundy. Cheers.

I see you've been busy at work.

Where is everybody?

Oh, he's...
His Highness is in his meetings.

He's very busy.

You can join me, because
it does very nice things.

I'll try to catch up.

You know something, Mr. Mundy?


You're very, very handsome.


Well, you've been drinking, right?

There are rules about that.


You don't like me either.


You are a very beautiful lady.

A crystal goblet, to say the least.

But right now a goblet full of scotch.

Oh, what does she see in her?


I don't think that she's
any prettier than I am.

It's a point well taken.

And I would be so much better for him.

I wouldn't be surprised.

What am I going to do, Mr. Mundy?

I love him so.

Stay in there.

You haven't lost yet.

But he never looks at me, always at her.


But he hasn't sold Samantha on that yet.

Nicole, you're something to hang on to.

Who knows?

Maybe virtue will triumph.

Come on.

Can you let me, Mr. Mundy?

Yeah, I'll help you.

My dear Mr. Mundy.


Aww, he's doing his
Christmas shopping early.

Would you like that gift
wrapped or will you take it as it is?

It's not the way it looks.
You wouldn't understand.

Oh, well how is it?

Will you help me get her into bed?

You don't need any help.
You seem to be doing just fine.

Poor kid.

Well, you ought to know, chum.

You're the busiest guy in town.

He'll help me. I never laid a drink on him.


She's got a bad thing going for the king.

Why shouldn't she? The king's a cute kid.

Yeah, but she's got the
feeling that she's being aced out.

That's too bad.
I guess everybody has their problems.

Oh, you wouldn't.

No, I wouldn't.

You are one fine looking lady.

Oh, you noticed.

Take it.

You're welcome.

You know, kings are nice.


But they're always off
sitting on the throne.

Or, uh, knighting somebody.

You can't never count on them.

- But on the other hand, a hard-working thief...
- Or a brewery executive.

Or a brewery executive. Uh-huh.

You can always depend on them.

Are you trying to tell me something?

Yes, I am.

I'm gonna make a check on him.

It took us two hours
to find where he lived.

We finally got there, and I
did exactly what you told me.

There was nothing else I could do.

But it was seen in his possession.

True exactly.

That's insane!

Do you know how little time is left?

Excellency, perhaps
another orb, a replacement.

But how? Janus would need time.

No, no, no. You keep your men looking.

It'll turn up again somewhere.

It must.

[Door opens]

You get around, don't you?
I ought to tie a bell on you.

Well, if you're going to be a
grump, I won't deliver the message.

What message?

A man named Bert he called.

He said that he wanted to talk to you
right away, and that you'd know where.

Mom, can I borrow the car?

Not without me, dear.

Samantha, it's difficult
enough without you.

That's the point.

All sorts of people gloam unto you.
I think you need protection.

When was the last time
you had your oil changed.

The old codger's name was Thoreau.

Nice enough, old bloke.

Harmless type, always on the oof.

On the what?

A hobo.

You know, an oboe, a
vagrant, never had no real own,

scragged about for food he did.

Anyway, he always had
a smart little pup with him.

Taught him to steal food and the like.

Bloody marvellous little animal he was.

You know, I don't
understand about that room.

He slept most of the time in the woods.

Matter of fact, just about where
you threw the orb the other night.

You're sure your men
followed Van Zant to the room?

[Cut off].

Van Zant didn't say
anything to Garth about a dog.

Poor little beggar probably scarpered.

Took off.

When he saw his master
being roughed up that way.

Probably scared to death.

Poor little thing.

Reckon he's halfway across
the country by this time.

Maybe not.

What's that, John?

You know the story about dogs
always finding their way home?


I don't understand.

I do.

Man, that's a long shot.

When there ain't nothing else,
that's what you lay your ten Bob on.

What have we got to lose, mate?

Easy boy, easy. Easy
boy, easy. Nice and easy.

Come here, baby. Hi.
Yeah, come on. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, what, what, what?

Looks like your long shot paid off. Remind me to
go to the track with you

one day, chum.

Yeah, we got a winner.

This is good.

Shall I keep the motor running?

The last thing in the world we want to
do is to create a tension. Now beat it.

Al, be careful.

Famous last words.

Well, maybe I just didn't say it right.

Hey, Queenie, your crown's slipping.

Well, can't a girl change her mind?

I'm hip...

but first things first, huh?



I feel such a fool, Excellency.

What is it, a false alarm?

Well, I was certain that I heard something.
I'm sorry.

Not at all, my dear fellow.
You did well to call me.

You wait outside.
I'll join you in a moment.


So, that's it.


Thank you, Mr. Mundy.

For solving all my problems.



One hour from now, at exactly
noon, when the young monarch

leaves the palace to go to the
cathedral to receive the crown,

the excitement will be almost unbearable.

What do you think it is now?

Nowhere in history has
a population expressed

more love and affection
for a prince... Nothing.


...than the people of San Marco do today.

Now tell code section to try Bertie again.

Do you really think he would help?


No, that Al Mundy.

Super thief!

He can steal your bed
without waking you, but

can he steal five
minutes to keep in touch?

That guy is driving me nuts.

Poor guy's probably got his hands full.


What did I do right?

Well, I, um, I'm just testing...

to be, or not to be, a queen.

Samantha, you're a very nice kid.

Is that any way to talk to Fort Knox?

But I don't think I'm
nine to five material.

I don't think I know how to run a brewery.

Then you talk too much, too.

I don't even drink beer.

Neither do I.

You're kidding.

[phone rings].

You do know, of course, that
you've been saved by that bell.

[phone rings].


What kind of double talk is that?

All right, I'll be right there.

And where are we going?

Well, that was Bertie.


He's got something important to tell
me, but there's a customer in the way.



We've really got to go.

Come on.

Oh, this is a proud
day, sire.

And a long one.

It's very nice.

Oh, Your Highness will remember, won't you,

that the royal orb will be placed in
your hand as you leave the palace,

and it must remain there
throughout the entire ceremony.

You've made that point several times.

Oh, did I?

Good, Mr. Garth.

I don't ever remember
seeing you quite so anxious.

One would almost think you
were ascending the throne.

Off! I want it off!

Look, I'm trying to explain.

You're asking the ruddy impossible.

That's bloody dying there.

Once it's done, you can't change it.

Besides, now besides, a bird in the hand
is much more posh than a naked woman.

All right?

Look, you go home, sleep on it,
and you'll realize old Bertie's right.

Now, scoot out.


I see you and the dog
are making it real big.

It's more than I can say to you and Noah.

He's been screaming
his ruddy head off for you.

He has.
You'd better give him a jingle right now.

What is this?

Now I've seen everything.

Is that gold?

Gold leaf.

You know, I had some of that
gold leaf underneath my fingernails.

Don't you see?

I had the golden orb in my hands,
and the dog had it in his mouth.

Are you bombing?

The orb is pure gold.

I'm not so sure about that anymore.

Oh, Al, that's absolutely mad.

Why would anyone put
gold leaf on pure gold?

I don't even know what gold leaf is.

Well, that's understandable
in your bracket, you see.

Gold leaf is used by
watchmakers, jewelers, signpapers...

Are you saying that the orbs are fake?

It can't be a fake.

I was standing by the window when Van Zant...

was thinking about making a replacement.

Garth said he knew somebody by the name
of Janos, but there wasn't enough time.



Hey, that could be Janos Kowalski.

He's a watchmaker.

And he's a bit on the shady side.

He's had trouble with the law.

I'd better find out what
he does for a sideline.

Do you want me to call Noah?

And tell him what?

That we're still in trouble?

Walk the dog.

Come on.

Things progress well, Excellency.

Beyond our wildest hopes.

You know, these Americans are so obliging

First, Miss Sutton steals the orb.

Then, Mr. Mundy kindly puts it back.

Neatly tying both of them
to the King's... misfortune.

We are done with problems.


After you've performed
just one more little task.

You see, there's only one other
person who knows what the orb contains.

And he might prove troublesome later on.

So, why risk it?

Will you attend to that, Mr. Van Sant?

I will be right with you.

Thank you.

I know you young people.

Always in a hurry.

Now, how may I help you, sir?

I'd like to talk to you about the internal
movements of some of your watches.

(clocks chiming)

(car motor accelerating)

Al, is he dead?

He sure is.

Interesting sideline, huh?

What is that?

Some of that gold leaf.

What is that?

A very dangerous plastic explosive.




He did more than just gild the orb.

You see these tools?

Probably cut it open, packed it with this.

That makes a lot of noise.

Come on.

Come on.

Mr. Garth, once I am crowned, I shall
forthwith ban the custom of coronations.

Perhaps I'll substitute
a trip to the dentist.

It'd be much less painful.

Believe me, sire, it'll be
over before you know it.

Now, this is the symbol of
the accession, your highness.

And it must be held in plain
view throughout the procession.

With your permission,
sire, I'll leave you now.

My place is at the cathedral.

This silly orb is heavy, Garth.

It'll be over soon, sire.


-Open up the gates.
please, after you get in.

I'm sorry, sir, absolutely
no one is allowed in.

Mr. Munday.


(suspenful music)


Thank you.

Garth and the others have been picked up.

That wraps it.

"Thanks" sounds rather weak.

I appreciate what you've done.

Oh, thank you.

As long as everything turned out.

I have a plane to catch.

Would you mind saying
goodbye to Samantha for me?

Oh, I'm afraid that's
going to be your problem.

What do you mean?

We've already said our goodbyes.

I'm not much up on protocol.

But is it possible for a commoner
to give advice to a ...?

This commoner, yes.

She's a very lovely young lady.

I know.


Good luck.

Want a lift?

Do I have a choice?


You going to try to sell
me that brewery job?

What do you think?

Well, I think that it beats walking.


You probably think I'm
crazy for passing up a crown.

Well, you could always have
Cartier's whip one up for you.

Al, there you go again getting sentimental.

Samantha, I...


Well, this may sound a little anticlimactic
for a girl who owns ten breweries.


Eleven breweries.

That's all right. Go ahead.

I have two bottles of beer in my place.


32 degrees.

Light or dark?

The beer's light, the room is dark.

But darling, neither of us drinks beer.

Yeah, how about that?

Shall we go?

I thought you'd never ask.