It Takes a Thief (1968–1970): Season 1, Episode 14 - It Takes a Thief - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

Hiya, boss.

How are things at the embassy?

Are you mad?

How can you be sure you were not followed?

Relax, will ya?

Nobody in their right mind would
hang around this neighborhood.

Do you have the formula?

You got the money?

They've made the swap.

You have done very well, my friend.

Okay, let's bust 'em.


Governor Jenkins, you're under arrest.



I've taken a lot from you, but not this.

No agent goes double
on me and lives to enjoy it.

It's no use.

We are trapped.

Wait a minute.

Looks that way, doesn't it?

Don't you have a plane waiting
to fly you out of the country?

Yes, but what good does it do me now?

If I get you out of this, you
take me with you, okay?

You mean you want to defect?

You're as good as dead right now.

Why don't you give yourself up?

Let's say I don't have much of
a chance of living in this country.

What do you say?


Just get me out of this.

Okay, okay.

Wait here.

I'll pick you up.











[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]




Oh, look, Al, I'm not asking you to spy.

Just asking you to steal.





Just how long has it been since
you've seen General Mundi?

Since meeting in Paris over a year ago.

I was chairman of the
cultural arts committee

for the Semerukatic
International Convention.

And do you think the United States will
attempt a negotiation with the Russians?

I do not know. I certainly hope not.




Oh, I've missed you so much.
It's so good to see you again.


Madame Commissar.


Our defector seems
to be making quite an

impression with the
press. And a sweetheart.

I always fail to understand
why the Ministry of Public

Information always goes into
such ecstasies over defectors.


You will excuse me?

Yes, Madame.

If you can spare the time.

Commissar, this is Alexander Mundy. Commissar
Malenska, head of internal security.

How do you do?

Attention, everybody.

The hearts of our peace-loving
people open to you, Comrade Mundy,

and I offer to you sanctuary
from the murderous

warmongers of your
capitalist, enslaved homeland.

Well, thank you.

I am not finished.

As Commissar of Internal
Security, I offer to you the

protection of our people's
socialist, Democratic republic.

Copies of this official
greeting statement have

been mailed to the full East
European news network,

along with an eloquent renunciation by
Comrade Mundy of his imperialist native land.

I want those statements
to be quoted in their

entirety in all accounts
of his defection.

There will be no questions at this time.

However, Comrade Mundi will
be made available for interviews

as soon as he has recovered
from the ordeal of his escape.

Thank you, Commissar.

Dismissed, comrades.

Comrade, we've waited
so very long to be together.

May we go now, please?

I suppose it's in the best
interest of public decency to

get the two of you behind
closed doors as soon as possible.

Yes, yes, you may go.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Darling, we can go now.

Excuse us.

I need to see what the capitalist
press will say about all this.

Keep an eye on him.


I do not trust him.

They were shooting at us.

They tried to kill him.


It was real, I swear to you.

Even so, I do not trust a traitor.

What he did once, he can do again.

Watch him.

Yes, sir.

One more for the photographers.

Do that again and I'll bite your lip off.

I love you, too.

Is that any way to treat a
red-blooded American defector?

I thought there'd be a limousine.

Just shut up and get on.

Women drivers make me nervous.

You be the navigator.

Take a right.

I did not know you were a college student.

I'm not a student.

I'm an instructor.

But I have an apartment in this building.


I told you not to do
that unless we have to.

Ours is not the reason why, lovecup.

We're being followed.

You see over there that
fellow sitting down at the table?

My buddy.

But why? They must suspect us.

That commissar would
suspect her own mother.

Come on, let's make it look good.

What are you doing?

It's an old American custom.


Will you put me down?


Wow, a pigeon could blow his mind in here.


This is the kind of monstrosity we are
expected to produce for the people's good.


They have turned the university
art department into a factory.

But someday we will be
free to create real beauty.

Come this way.

That day is coming.


This is a nice apartment.

We don't have to make
small talk when we are alone.


Ilsa, I wonder Ilsa, if we couldn't be
having like a communication problem.




This is our most cherished secret.

But if it were ever discovered by
Commissar Malenska and her secret police,

we will be either executed or imprisoned
for life as dangerous deviationists.

Well, it really grabs you.

There's no doubt about that.

Comrades, this is Alexander Mundy.




We have awaited you.

Thank you.

This is the underground?


I trust there's more than one way
to come in and go out of this room.

One of the upstairs
laboratories has a secret door.

We keep a lookout posted there
at all times in case there is trouble.

Where is Professor Gorkov?

He's my contact.
I was supposed to meet him here.

He's dead.

He was killed last night.

You're late.

You see, you were expected here last week.

And when you didn't show up... Well, it
took longer to set it up than we thought.


When you didn't arrive, Professor Gorkov
thought something must have gone wrong.

And so he decided to try it himself.

Well, I'll have to do it without him.

What is it I'm supposed to steal?

We don't know.

You don't know?

You've got to be kidding.

We're not kidding.

He wouldn't tell any of us what it
was in case one of us got caught.

What he did tell us was
that once it was revealed,

it would cause a great upheaval in
most of the Iron Curtain governments.

What is it? A secret document?

That, Mr. Mundy, is what we don't know.

You mean I went through this
whole bit of getting set up as a traitor,

traveling 10,000 miles to steal
something, and you don't know what it is?

I know where it is.

Well, now that's a step
in the right direction.

A slide projector, please, George.

[projector running]

This was originally the Royal Palace,

now converted into a state museum.

Professor Gorkov was
killed trying to break in there.

It didn't seem to be guarded,
so he thought it would be easy.

I drove him here, and I watched
while he went around to the back.

But then suddenly there was shooting.

He came staggering around the corner.

He died in my arms.

So whatever it is you
want me to steal, all

you know is that it's
somewhere in that palace.

Not just somewhere.
I know the room it's in.

I got to him just before he died.

His last words were,
"The cradle in the keep."


Don't you see? A keep is a dungeon.

It's got to be somewhere in the dungeon.

Oh, well, that clears it up just fine.

Then all I have to do is steal a dungeon.

Or as you say, keep.

Look, I know how you feel.

Oh, no, you don't, lady.
You don't know at all.

Well, just remember,
none of this was my idea,

including the part about our
having fallen in love in Paris.

Don't forget, you were the one that
was supposed to make me turn traitor.

You must have really turned me on on
those warm summer nights on the left bank.

You seem to find that hard to believe.

We haven't exactly hit it
off like Romeo and Juliet.

I thought it was understood
that we were doing a job.

It's always a lot nicer
if you like your work.


This is it.

This is where they kept the political
prisoners before the revolution.


You are viewing the room
where Alexei Borborig,

heroic first premier of the People's
Socialist Democratic Republic,

spent two long years as a
political prisoner of the monarchy.

When, after the revolution,
Alexei Borborig became premier,

this room was kept intact as
a shrine to our country's hero

with mementos of his early youth.

Notice the textbooks and lecture
notes from his days at the university

from which this brilliant peasant
boy graduated, boom, loud.

Professor Gorkov said he was kicked out
for cheating on his English examinations.

And finally, in the corner, you
can see the handmade cradle

which his simple peasant
father carved for him,

in which his loving peasant mother rocked
him, as well as 11 brothers and sisters.

All 12 of them in there together?


You know, you should smile more often.

Sorry to be coming.

Well, it was a pretty
silly thing for you to say.

Cradle in the keep.

We're in the keep and there's the cradle.

Now all I have to do is get in there,

take that thing apart and
find whatever it is we're after.

Here, take my picture.

How can we get in there?

There's too many people
coming and going during the day.

And I told you what
happened to Professor

Gorkov when he tried
to sneak in last night.

He was a professor.
That's why they sent for me. I'm a thief.

A thief?

You mean that's your profession?

Third generation.

You sound almost proud of it.

What do you mean, almost?

It's a fine profession.
It takes courage and skill.

And besides, you can't beat the hours.

For the people to send.

Hold it. Back to work.

Comrades. Comrades, there are more
appropriate places for that sort of thing.

I've been talking to her about that.

It's hardly in keeping with the
dignity of the bourgeoisie, after all...

Well, I'm sorry. We got carried away.

We won't let it happen again.

Comrades, have you seen our
display in the jewellery room?


Yeah, I wouldn't want to miss it.

It's our most popular attraction.

Next to the Barbary cell, of course.

I wouldn't want to miss that.

It's this way.

Why is that old fool being so nice to us?

Well, you know what they say, the whole
world loves a lover, maybe he believes.

Yes, but we could be
overdoing it just a little bit.

Come on, George is waiting. Let's go.

It'll only take a moment.


It's the egg.

The egg?

What's it doing here?
It should be in Moscow.

It doesn't matter what it's doing here.

It's what you're supposed
to be doing here that matters.

Come on, George is waiting.

Wait a minute.

That's 430 carats of diamond,
worth 4,500,000 dollars.

This diamond?

That's not just a diamond.

It's the pharaoh's eye, Nero's tears,

the Han's morning star, for the last
300 years the great orb of the Balkans.

Just mention the egg to
a diamond connoisseur,

he'd do anything in the
world to get his hands on it.

Now, if one was to have
that in his possession,

he could be voted the most valuable
player of the year in both leagues.

I know an ice cutter in Amsterdam.

How do you like our museum, Mr. Mundy?

I find it fascinating.

I was making a routine
inspection of security

arrangements when this
appeared on our monitor.

I thought you might find it amusing.

It's a bit grainy, but
it's a good likeness.

Do you have pictures
of me in all the rooms?


Only in the Jewel room
do we bother with cameras

in case any of our daytime visitors
literally try to share the wealth.

We have some of those
in my former country too.

Supermarkets, places like that.

I doubt if your supermarkets are quite
as effectively guarded as this museum.

Well, I wouldn't know what you
have, I've only seen the photograph.

Would you care to see the rest of it?

Some of the attractions not
seen by the general public.

I'd be most interested.

You will excuse us.

Come, Mr. Mundy.

I think you are going to be
most interested in the advances.

We are entering from the rear.

And now, I am going to show you
the intricacies of our protection system.

Look there.

In each guard tower, at all
four corners of the building,

automatic weapons are
trained so to destroy any intruder

on the walls or on the
ground at the base of the walls.

But I don't want to bore
you with too many details.

Come, let me show you the entry system.

Now you will see that
to open the door seal,

is the most ingenious device,

which locks in and out
everyone who visits the museum.

The guard staff and visitors, each and
every person who enters in the morning,

must leave in the same night or alarms are
triggered and unpleasant things take place.

Does it tell you weight and fortune?

Both of those are variables.

We are a little more precise than that.

And now, Mr. Mundy,
since you are so interested,

do let me show to you
the soul of the Castle Kirel.

This is the brain center of
the museum security system.

Completely automated.

It can last well over a year
without human attention.

Well, it's very nice, but wouldn't
it be easy to short circuit?

Should anyone be
foolish enough to leave the

observation area and
approach the computer

without carrying the necessary
magnetic identification badges,

he would be electrocuted
on the metal floor.

Must have cost a great deal of money.

There is nothing like
it in the whole world.

But you haven't got
anything in your museum

that's worth what this
burglar alarm system cost.

Actually, the museum security
system was not designed to protect this.

This was originally intended to be the abode
of our late lamented premier, Borborig.

He believed that where men could
be bribed, machinery could not.

He must have had assassins
waiting in line to have a layout like this.

In his mind, perhaps.

Actually, no one cared that
much whether he lived or died.

He was a harmless enough old fool.

Even well liked, I'm told, by some of
the leaders of our more powerful allies.

They lavished some rather
extraordinary gifts on him toward the end,

including the diamond which
fascinated you so thoroughly.

They even footed the bill for all of this.

Maybe he wasn't such an old fool after all.

You know his one talent?

He could hold his liquor.

He could drink any ten men under
the table, and that was his great gift.

When our liberators
from beyond the steppes

came clunking through
on their way to Berlin,

Borborig crawled out from his hole
in the cellar to greet his red brethren.

He sat up with the generals two nights and
two days, marching them vodka for vodka.

In the end, they left with headaches.

He became our premier.

Well, so much for ancient history.

What intrigues us now is current events.

Tell me, Mr. Mundy,
do you have any regrets?

Are you sorry that you defected?

How could I, with such a charming
commissar as you to take care of me?

Thank you very much for the guarded tour.

Das liebe.



No, no, no. It is forbidden.


You can't take off your shoes, sir.

All right.
You don't have to get up so tight about it.

But it is forbidden to walk
without your shoes, sir.

Let me get your picture.

Thank you.


Ilse said you spent quite a bit of
time with Commissar Malenska.

I got the VIP treatment.

She thinks I have it in
mind to swipe the big egg.

Well, don't you?

I must admit the idea is a tempting
one, but it wouldn't be ethical.

You speak of ethics in your business?

What value is a thief's word?

If the Jewel were to be
stolen, then we would all be

considered thieves, and
no one would listen to us.

I must have you a promise
that you are with us completely.

A contract is a contract.

I made a deal to heist whatever
it is that's hidden in that cradle.

My only problem is to find out how to
stay in that museum after closing time.

All right.

Can't you just hide somewhere?

Well, you see, they check every pair of
shoes that goes in and out electronically.

If you're checked in in
the daytime and don't walk

out at closing time, boom,
you're a dead comrade.

Are you trying to tell us it can't be done?

No, I'm not trying to
tell you it can't be done.

Look, can you find about a dozen
people that can help us, that we can trust?

I'll get them.


[sound of bike motor].

He seems to be interested in our museum.

Especially in our most prized treasure.

I saw the expression on his
face when he was looking at it.

Also, he was trying to extract
information regarding security measures.

Did you show him everything?

Almost everything.

Keep track of him.









Closing time. Closing time.
Everybody out of the museum.

We'll see you tomorrow morning.

All right, hit the road.
We'll take it from here. Don't wait up.

Good luck.

Closing, closing.
Everybody come out of the museum, please.












He just went into the university.

The university?

Any further instructions?

No. You may go home.


Not bad for a third generation thief.

Boris, you fool. They are in the museum.

Meet me there at once.

Yes, Commissar.





(upbeat music)

I bet those hinges haven't been oiled
since the night the king did in his wife.

Don't say that.

If a place ever deserved
to be haunted, this one does.

I wish I knew what I was looking for.

I've got to move this.

Pick it up.

We'll have to put it back exactly
the way it was at closing time.

Are you sure your uncle
saw something down here?

If it was glued in here,
how could he have seen it?

I don't know.

I guess he couldn't have.

It's a good thing I've got
all night long to pry it open.

I never thought of that.


Well, that we have to spend
the whole night here together.

How lucky can you get?

Now, I want it understood.

Relax, relax.

You can have a whole floor to yourself.

What can I do to help you?

Hold that for me.

Elsa, I want you to think now and
tell me your uncle's last words exactly.

Well, he made me lean very
close, as he could hardly speak.

He said, "The keep, the crib in the keep."



Not cradle.


Well, they mean the same thing, don't they?

And you are a university instructor?

A crib is not a cradle, not to a professor.

Now, you told me that Premier Borborig
was expelled from school for cheating.


He was kicked out for cheating on an
English examination because he had a crib.

Of course.

Secret notes.

Remember, put everything
back the way it was.

But even if he's in there,
we can't get in till morning.

Wrong again, comrade.

We can and we will.

But I thought that the security system
can't be shut down except by its time lock.

Yes, that's what you
were supposed to think.

And Mr. Mundy, too.

I can get in any time I like.

Commissar Malenska to Central.

Put me through on
simultaneous patch lines to

emergency transmitter,
also to police transmitter.

You will tell me the moment
you are ready to broadcast.

Got it.


Names, places, dates and incidents.

Ironic, isn't it?

On his English grammar primer.

Look at this.

March 26, '61.

Petrov boasted of assassination of Chief
of Staff, son made general, April '61.

How about this one?

General Gorski bribed.

Prime Minister to get his last promotion
money deposited in Swiss bank.

Deposit number C4112.

I wouldn't be surprised if
this got the egg for Borborig.

Signal 1, 8, 14.

Do you suppose these things are true?

You're darn right.

Why do you think he was so
afraid of being assassinated?

But how did Borborig know all
these things about these people?

Because he had a bigger
talent than anybody thought.

Just stay sober while
everybody else gets sloppy drunk.

Then listen good and keep detailed notes.

No wonder they treated
him well in his declining years.

He was blackmailing
everybody who built a little

vodka with him, not to
mention some rice wine.

One way or another, he got the
dope on all he could in big shots.

No wonder your professor
wanted to get to it.

Whoever has this can blow the
whistle on half the governments.

Look at this.

Something on every page.

This is going to take a little time.

Here, start at page 1.

Signal end.


This is going to make tame
pussycats out of the tigers.


There's nobody here.

We can get out.

Wait a minute.

That's just what she wants us to try.

Ten seconds after we hit
that door sill, we'll be dead.

If he doesn't come out in
another minute, I shall go in.



You promised.

This is the only way I can
get her to come in here.

Now let go.

Mr. Mundy.

How very sweet of you to do the expected.

Where's Mr. Mundy?

Take her shoes off.


Take them off.

That door sill is monitored by a
computer that controls the guns outside.

It takes a magnetic reading
of every pair of shoes that

comes in and goes out,
and you're going out in those.

Come on.

What about you?

You'd better carry me.


You promised.

I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

There goes my most valuable player award.


Comrade Commissar, are you there?



Oh, get that light out of my eyes again.

Don't touch that gun.

Don't you realize he's here
somewhere in the gallery with the girl?

All I see is you, Comrade Commissar.

And that...

You fool!


How can you possibly think that
I... There is no one else here but you.


He must be behind the door.

We... [Music]

Catch him!



Stop! You haven't got a chance!



Stop or I'll shoot!





Welcome home, Al.

I know.

I gather everything worked out all right.

Yes, it went very well.

Did you know that they
have the egg over there?

The egg?

The egg.

Four million, five hundred
thousand dollars worth of diamond.

Give it back, Al.

I didn't take it.

But for one bright shining moment I
held it right in the palm of this hand.

You weren't there to steal the diamond.
Now give it back.

That's what everybody kept telling me.
I didn't take it.

You were there to do one
thing and one thing only.

Now wait a minute.

No, I didn't take it.

Turn around.

No, believe me. I didn't take it.

Never mind. I'm sorry.

This is terrible.
You can't trust people like that.

You got me.

What is this?

That's what you sent me over to get.

Oh, you got it on film?

Yes, I got it on film.

Well, he's telling you the truth.

I was right there with him.

This is Ilsa. She was my contact.

I told her you'd take care
of refugee freedom fighters.

It would be my pleasure, miss.

Not this one.


Mr. Bain.

Mr. Noah Bain.

Colonel Mundy is one that's all about you.

Al. Al.

Beautiful airport where
we are so happy to work.

One at a time.

Wait a minute. One at a time.

Yes, I will try to slow it down.

But one at a time.



(upbeat music).