In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 8 - Episode #5.8 - full transcript

(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)

# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.

#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do"...

(# Bridal March)

# ...In sickness and in health,
I said "I do.” #



Four only.

0i, just a minute, just a minute!
I was in front of them.

I was queuing for them.

You can't queue for other people,
my dear. You only queue for yourself.

We always do it. I queue for them,
and they queue for me.

And I queue for me,
and I was in front of them!

Tell him, Fred.
We always do it, don't we?

You'll have to catch the next one, mate.

I've only got room for four,
and these girls were in front of you.

Girls?

Girls? Blimey! It's a few years
since she was a girl! Any of 'em!

Sorry, Maisie. Look, I've got
to take him. I can take three of you...

It's all right, Fred,
we'll wait for the next bus.

We want to stay together.



Right, where are you going?

And you'd better have the exact money,
cos I've got no change.

I don't need money, do I?
I've got a bus pass.

- Hurry up, then.
- Wait a minute.

- Maisie?
- Look, wait a minute, will you?

- I've got a bus pass here!
- Where is it?

I can't bloody find it,
but look, I'm entitled!

Anyone can say that.

You can see I'm entitled, can't you?

You can see I'm old, can't you?
What do you want, glasses?

Cor blimey, if your eyes are that bad
you can't see

that I'm entitled to a bus pass,

you shouldn't be driving a bus
in the first place!

- Come on, girls.
- I'm not getting off! I'm not...

Are you going to throw me off?

Are you?

Look, up the Labour Exchange, they can
tell I'm too old for a job easy enough.

So why can't you tell
I'm too old to pay on a bus? Eh?

You don't like bus passes, do you? No.

You want cash, don't you?
So you can work your own little fiddle.

A bit for the company, a bit for you.
That's your game, I know.

Blimey, I've known
a few bus conductors in my time.

Making a fortune, they are!

Same as the ticket collectors
on the train.

All them excess fares, boom boom,
straight in their own pocket, innit?

Eh? I know. I'm not green, mate.

I wasn't born yesterday. I've seen
the big houses you lot live in!

That's why there's only the one of you,
innit, eh?

You got greedy, didn't want
to share with your mate, did you? No.

You're little berks, the lot of you.

- Are you getting off this bus?
- No!

I'll have you, mate!
I'll bloody have you!

Swine! Let me on! Come 'ere!

I order you, come back 'ere!

I'll 'ave you. I'll 'ave you, mate.

- Oh, it's you.
- Yes, mate, it's me!

And I've got me bus pass, ain't I, eh?
Hey-hey!

We've all got our bus passes.
Come on, everyone!

Show the nice, kind bus driver
your bus passes!

- Where are you taking them?
- Just giving them a run out.

Run out? They want to go somewhere,
you know.

They just don't want to sit on a bus.

I'm just taking 'em for a blow, that's
all. Give 'em a breath of fresh air.

- Put that pipe out for a start.
- Why? It's not the Tube.

MRS HOLLINGBERY:
They want to go somewhere!

ALF: They will, they will go somewhere.

- Where's this bus go, mate?
- Mortlake.

There you are, that'll do us.
Mortlake, everyone, all right?

- WOMAN: Yeah, we like Mortlake.
- Yeah?

Has it got a beach?

- Did he say "Lake"?
- Yes.

Is it the Lake District?

South end! Tell him to go to South end!

Southend's not Lake District!

A nice trip to South end.

You won't get
all them wheelchairs on here.

That's all right.

There's no room.

Well, there should be room, mate. It's a
big bus, there should be plenty of room.

One or two
of them wheelchairs I can take.

That's all I can take on here.

They're not fair to us!

- Look, I don't make the rules.
- Oh, yeah?

That's what they said at Nuremberg, mate,
all them Nazis.

What are you talking about, Nazis?

They call me a bloody Communist
down the depot.

You're not behaving like a Communist.

If you was a Communist, mate,
you'd want to share your bus with us.

Perestroika, glasnost - everyone
will have their own bus out there soon.

Good! Then we won't have to stand around
in the rain for hours,

waiting for your bloody lot, will we?

Oh, yeah, privatise the buses, eh?
One of them, are you?

We was a bloody sight better off before
your lot nationalised 'em, weren't we?

Oh, blimey! In them days, you could
go up West, have a skinful,

bowl of jellied eels,

bottle of whisky on the bus coming home,
see the crack of the morning,

and it still cost you less than
a bus fare up the corner would today!

Get an all-day ticket for a penny then.

Right, they had horses pulling them!

And they was a bloody sight faster
than your lot!

Look, just a minute,
no more wheelchairs.

I'm sorry, but you're going to have
to wait for another bus.

Look, mate, we're a party here.
All for one and one for all!

ALL: All for one and one for all!

Here's the beer, lads.

Just a minute, you're not
bringing that on 'ere!

Look, we've paid in for that!
That's the kitty.

You tell 'em they can't have it on here!

All for one and one for all!

Look, mate, this is not a private bus.
This is public transport.

This is the public! And we have got
our constitutional rights!

Not to drink on my bus, you ain't.

You want to drink on a bus,
you've got to hire one.

- How can I hire a bus?
- You said you're a party.

We're a poor party.

Then hire a cheap bus.

Cos if you're a party, mate,
you have to hire your own bus.

Cos this bus ain't for parties. A party,
you have to write in to Head Office...

Don't tell me the dictionary.
I know what a party is.

A party, my friend,
is a person or persons...

- A coalition.
- ...of a person or persons...

It's a block, and block bookings
are done by Head Office.

And public means open to everyone,
to the civic people as a 'ole...

Yeah, and I wish
you'd disappear down it.

Oh, very funny.

Look, this is a scheduled route,
and you are making me late.

No, mate, you're the one
who's making you late.

You want to learn to think of others.

No, you're the one who ought
to learn to think of others.

(THEY CHEER)

- What's going on here?
- It's him.

He don't want us on his bus.

Why not? Are you causing trouble?

Trouble? Do they look like
trouble, officer?

I mean, do they like soccer 'ooligans?

So what's the problem?

I don't want to sound cruel or hard.

I mean, I've got sympathy
for the old 'uns.

I know it's rotten for 'em, but look!

I mean, it's more like an 'ospital bus!

I'm not even qualified
for this sort of thing.

See? Just because we're old!

You'll be old one day, mate!

See how you like it! See how you like
getting turfed off a bus

because you're too old. Anyway, there's
no law that says how old or young

you've got to be
before you get on a bus!

Look, I'm talking about the wheelchairs
and all. You're blocking the gangway.

Excuse me, there's no law that says
you can't bring a wheelchair onto a bus!

Say one of them is taken ill.

Oh, yeah? What do you want them to do?

Have a medical before they get on
your bleeding bus?! There's no law...

- Let me decide what the law says, eh?
- Quite right, officer.

That is your perojative. You tell him
that there's no law says

you've got to have a medical
before you get on the bus!

Although I agree people with diseases
shouldn't be allowed on 'em,

breathing their germs all over you.

I see they've stopped 'em
spitting on buses now.

You still do it.

- Look...
- And not only on buses.

Listen...

You spit in your own house and then
rub it into the floor with your foot.

Look...

Your carpet's got all shiny patches
where you do it.

Will you listen?

The footballers, they're always
spitting on your television.

Did you see that World Cup?

Spitting all over the television,
they was.

Then one got sent off.
Here, officer, send him off.

Shut up! They don't spit on the telly,
do they?

They're spitting on the football pitch!

I see it on the telly, and West Ham are
the worst! They are disgusting!

- That's on the pitch!
- You're spraying me with it now!

All right, all right! What's this beer?

It's just a little, you know,
keep the blood circulating.

Let them know they're alive still.

Would you like one, officer,
while nobody's watching?

Drinking's not allowed on a bus!

Oh, they're not driving.
No-one's driving on this bus!

I am!

But you're not drinking, are you, mate?
Well, not our beer, anyway.

(BRAYING LAUGH)

I don't know why you bought that.

The money they collected
in the pub for them,

you could probably have hired a cheap bus
and taken them all to South end.

This ls a cheap bus, my dear.
And what's so special about South end?

There wasn't enough money
for both the booze and a coach.

That's right. A lot of fun that'd be,
wouldn't it -

- sitting on a bus without a drink?
- You speak for yourself!

It's them I'm thinking of. They want
to enjoy theirs elves, don't they?

Want a bit of a knees-up, don't you?

Bit of a singsong.

Can't do that without a drink, can you?

You can't do anything without a drink.

You can't do much with one, either.

They'd have all been happy
just with a day by the sea.

ALF: Day by the sea?
What are they gonna do by the sea!?

- Have a paddle.
- A paddle?

All most of them can manage
on their own is to sit!

Well, they can sit on the sand.

Get their wheelchairs stuck
in the sand, more like.

You can't paddle in the water
at South end no more.

It's polluted.
You could have a foot drop off.

It's not Lourdes.

There is raw sewage
floating about in there.

That's right. Go in swimming,
come out smoking a cigar? Very nice(!)

Look, what they've got here is sitting -

what they're good at -
sitting and drinking.

What you're good at!

I've got 'em all the sights of London
coming up in a minute.

I've got 'em your Tower of London,
your Palace of Westminster...

Not on this route.

No-one's talking to you, Big Ears!

It's not one of the best routes, this.

You used to pass all the factories
with all the smells in the old days.

- Yeah.
- It's probably the drains causing it now.

All the bloody cutbacks.

- Infrastructure, as they call it.
- That's right.

It's true. It's decaying, innit?

I mean, you never find them
sweeping the roads now.

- That's true.
- Or washing them down.

That's right.

We'll probably have to have
another one of them Plagues of London,

- with crosses on the doors...
- Yeah!

...carts coming round collecting bodies
before they do anything about it.

ALF: Right. "Bring out your dead."

- That's what it boils down to.
- Right.

The thing is, I am more susceptible
to smells than most people,

- cos I'm taller.
- I never knew that.

- No, well, it rises...
- Really?

- ...and I get the full body of it.
- Ah!

I reckon that it's a lot of that
is the cause of my bad chest.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

I get more than my fair share of germs,
and that's not fair.

- Course it isn't.
- Cos my nostrils are bigger than most.

Yeah, they are!

Once them germs get straight up
your nostrils, that's it - whoosh!

I mean, shelter,
that's what it was in the first place.

Now, I mean, it's more like they build
their bloody homes up there!

Do you know,
I was reading in the paper the other day

that all these parasites
are living on and in us,

and they are causing
most of the trouble in the world.

I mean, I'm always going down
with something or the other because of it.

(COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)

(BLOWS NOSE)

That's made a few of 'em homeless!

WOMAN: He's going the wrong way!
South end isn't this way!

- Do you want to get off?
- She's bored.

Bored? We've only just started!

Her day is so full of action
normally, is it(?)

It's not the way
to the Lake District, either.

I know.
I was there when I was a little girl..

There was different ways to everywhere
when you was a little girl, my dear.

You don't want to keep going
to the same places all the time, do you?

I should think at your age,
you need a bit of a change.

Who needs a change? Who's she?

She's always changing!

I just get comfortable and she's,
"Oh, you need a change."

It's the dog. That dog comes in.

That's who wets the carpet.
It's the dogs.

ALF: Oi, Driver!
If you turn left down 'ere,

you'll come out by the Prospect of Whitby.

- ARTHUR: No, not here, Alf.
- DRIVER: It's not my route.

Driver, if you turn left just up there,
go through Rotherhithe Tunnel,

it's a good route in to Margate.

No. This bus is going to Mortlake.

You don't have to go to Mortlake now.

We've got all our passengers.

You can't get any more on...
and we're not getting off.

That's up to you, mate.
My job is to take this bus to Mortlake.

It's a much nicer ride
up through Ramsgate and Margate.

I like Margate.

So do I, missus,
but this bus is going to Mortlake.

MAN: Go to Margate if you like.
I don't mind. I'm easy.

Devon's nice.

- Cornwall's even nicer.
- Shut up!

- Come on, then, the bar's open.
- (CHEERING)

(THEY ALL SING) # My old man
Said “Follow the van

# "And don't dilly-dally
On the way.." #

- Did you know my Harry?
- No.

You are Mr Hopkins from number 34?

- No!
- I thought I recognised you.

You've changed. Wouldn't know you now.

- Would you know him?
- Oh, yes!

- Are you with us?
- Oi, who are you poking?

- Is he with us?
- I live above him.

Is it your dog
comes into my house?

Oh, she's sly, she is!
Makes out a dog comes in.

Wets, you know?

I have to bring this out for her,
just in case.

She's on a bus, tell her! Blimey!
They don't know they're out!

I don't know what might happen, see?

She suffers from frequency,
you know.

I don't like her being more than
a few minutes from a lavvy, really.

And of course she will drink.

She likes a drink.

She may be old, but she'll drink
her share of the kitty, don't you worry.

- Are you in charge of her?
- Yes.

Why didn't you leave her at 'ome?

There's no-one to look after her.

- What about you?/
- I like a day out, too, you know.

And if I come out,
I have to bring her with me.

- They ought to have toilets on the buses.
- Yeah.

- Oh, don't be daft!
- They have them on planes.

- They're high up!
- And trains.

It's bad enough having to step
over dogs' dos, without...

Shut up, you. You're stupid, you are!

Don't just drop out, does it?

It goes into a box, and chemicals
work on it and break it up, like.

Do you have to talk about
things like that?

I'm just telling you how it's done.

I don't want to know how it's done,
thank you!

They turn it into water, my dear -
pure water that you can drink.

Well, you drink it! I don't want it.

I've seen it done. They do it
on sewage farms. It comes out so pure...

And then they send it
back through the taps to us?!

What do you think they do with it?

They throw it out to sea at South end, like
Arthur says, where it can't do any harm.

And you want to go paddling in it?!

Did you bring your dog on?

Aw!

I told you not to drink anything
before you came out!

'Ere, look at that!

Cor blimey!

- You can't take 'em anywhere!
- You wait till you're like that!

I hope I'll have a bit more control
than that! It's a bloody flood!

ARTHUR: It's a long time since I've been
up here, Alf - the City, and all that.

You forget what it looks like.

ALF: I dunno. Not much changed
since I was last up 'ere.

A few new buildings, perhaps.

As Prince Charles says,

some of 'em look like a carbuncle
on a... Look at that!

That's like a bloody pudding basin!

ARTHUR: That's St Paul's, Alf.

Oh, yeah. That is, yeah. St Paul's.

I wouldn't like to live anywhere else,
would you?

What, another town, you mean?

- Yeah, Manchester, Birmingham...
- Oh, no.

I mean, you can't expect someone
who's born and bred in London

to go and live in a cultural desert
like that.

Culture?! Since when have you ever
availed yourself of all this culture?

Fortunately, my dear,
I haven't needed it, have I?

So where do you go for your culture?

I know where to look for it if I need it,
don't I? I know where to find it.

Blimey,
I've got a tongue in me head!

But that's what I mean about London.

You can easily find that sort of thing
if it's what you want.

Oh, I'm not saying
it's not easy to find it.

- I've just never seen Aim looking for it.
- It's there to be had.

Yes, for them as wants it(!)

Well, it's nice to know it's on tap
if you do, my dear.

ARTHUR: I stayed in Birmingham once
for a few days.

ALF: I wouldn't want to go and live
up Birmingham, Arthur, not at my age.

I wouldn't want all the bother learning
another language, not at my age.

WOMAN: What?! "Learn another language"?

- You have to if you want to talk to them.
- They speak English, Alf.

Get off! English?! Have you heard "em?

I can make more sense out of your
Pakistanis than I can out of them.

Your Pakistani, for all his being foreign,

he speaks a bloody sight better English
than most of your Northerners.

Or your Scots, or your Irish,
or your Welsh.

- Especially your bloody Irish!
- What?!

It was Irish poets
gave yo use the language!

Ye're nothin' but heathens, the lot
of you, and yer Queen's a German.

- Ooh!
- Get up! Get up! I'll knock you down!

ALF: Did you hear what he said?

What he said about Her Majesty the Queen?

You traitorious, blasphemious Irish git!

- You can't fight a man with crutches!
- Why not? I've got an artificial hip!

Don't stop him! I'll fight him!
Come on, I'll fight ye!

That's it.
If there's going to be fighting, all off!

Let go of me! You'll 'ave me over! What's
the matter with you? Oh, you bloody fool!

Sit down! Get him a drink.
Have a drink and be friends.

Come on, you don't want to fight, Alf.

Well, he'd better...he'd better...
shut up!

Or I'll take the law into my own hands.

I won't have him tellin' me, an Irishman,
I can't speak the Queen's English!

ALF: What's this about? Why have
we stopped? Why ain't we moving?

DRIVER: You picked the wrong day for
your outing, mate. I just remembered -

there's some foreign royal going
to Waterloo to be met by the Queen.

We could be here for hours.

Ain't it marvellous, eh(?)

Some bloody clapped-out foreign royal
wants a free trip up Buck House!

His missus wants a day up 'Arrods, he
wants a cheap nosh off the royal silver,

and we have to sit
in a bloody traffic jam!

It might be someone important.

ALF: Don't talk daft.
If it was someone important,

they wouldn't have time to waste
on all that royal paraphernalia.

- If it was President Bush, he'd fly in.
- Yeah.

He's too busy running the world, looking
after the American empire, to go by train.

Oh, look! You can see her! There she is!

- Oh, doesn't she look lovely?
- Oh, yes!

Is it Her Majesty?

Yes! Isn't it exciting?

Oh, I've never seen her
in the flesh before.

Which one is her?

In that car there,
the one wearing the glasses.

She ain't got her crown on, then?

It's not like a hat, Alf.
She don't wear it all the time.

But...But she's the Queen, Arthur.

I know, but you don't expect her to wear
that great heavy crown all day long.

It's only for state occasions.

I mean, she don't wear it in bed
or when she nips over to Harrods!

Come on, everybody!
It's Her Majesty the Queen!

It's the Queen! At ten-shun!

# God save our gracious Queen... #

Sing up!

I'm not sing in" it!
She's not my queen!

I'll sing me own anthem!

# Soldiers are we... #

Shut him up or I'll take the law
into my own hands!

If you don't like it here, Paddy,
why don't you go back to Ireland?

Twill, Twill!
I wouldn't stay here in this country!

You've already been here 40 years!

Yeah, but I wouldn't stay here!

And 30 years of that
you've spent on the bleedin' dole!

But that's political.

I'm destroying your economy, making
yo use bankrupt, that's what I'm doing!

# Soldiers are we... #

(THEY SING "RULE BRITANNIA"
AND IRISH NATIONAL ANTHEM)

ALF: I told you this would be better
than South end, didn't I?!

- Tell your ladies to hurry up, will you?
- They can't go any faster.

We're running out of beer.
We've got to get to the pub, stock up.

- They have to wait, don't they?
- What for?! I thought they was busting.

They haven't got the conveniences
you men have got, have they?

All you have to do is stand there and...
We have to wait for a cubicle.

- They've got to sit down, haven't they?
- Everything's made easier for men.

You don't have to piddle
all over your shoes, do you?

No, look, we've got plenty
of cubicles in there, my dear.

They could... Hey, ladies! Come on!

No need to queue.
You can use the gents'.

Come on, no need to wait.
Gentlemen, the ladies are coming through!

All right... Oh, just a minute, officer,
you can't go in there!

- There's ladies in there.
-Eh?

It's all right, they're our ladies.
Perfectly respectable.

No...! Oh, I see, I see -
you're busting. Hold on a minute.

Ladies and gentlemen, policeman coming
through. Same as a doctor, innit, eh?

All right?

Another satisfied customer.

Oi! What's going on in there?!

It's all right, they all know each other.
It's a party.

A party?! Hey, just a minute.
What have you been doing in there?

What have I been doing!?
My business!

Just a minute! Did she say "business"!?

- Yeah.
- At her age?!

- I don't believe it. What are you lot?!
- It's a pensioners' outing.

We were only having a bit of fun,
that's all. We're all together.

What, in the men's toilets?!

There wasn't no room in the ladies'.
All the seats were taken.

"Seats"?!

They was just relieving themselves!
Blimey, they were bustin'.

What did you think they were...?
Oh, blimey! Officer!

Gordon Bennett, your mind!

What did you think they were doing?

They're old age pensioners!
Most of 'em are married!

Don't want to get up to that sort of thing
when they've got homes of their own.

They don't have to come out
to a public toilet and do it!

What do you think they are?
Perverts? Members of Parliament?

I had a crowd this morning.
All oldies. Gawd!

I've got nothing against old people,
but they can be a nuisance.

Never mind, rush hour's over. Be an easy
run back with just a few theatre crowds.

Yeah. Foot down all the way.

- Stop for no-one.
- Except those that want to get off.

And no picking up at request stops.
Straight past, can't see them in the dark.

That's the ticket. Bloody nuisance,
them requests. Too many of 'em.

- Yeah. Well, see you back at the depot.
- Yeah.

- Order me a pint.
- Will do.

(TIPSY SINGING)

Oh, no!

(DRUNKEN SHOUTING)

(THEY SING: "Knees Up, Mother Brown")

Hey! 'Ere you are, look!

Got me bus pass!

Up the 'Ammers !

Got me bus pass!

(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)

# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer, that's a fact!

# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do” #

(# Bridal March)

# ...In sickness and in health
I said "I do. "#