In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 4 - Episode #5.4 - full transcript
Alf decides to earn some money by working for Mrs Carey as a window cleaner. He fails to get any wages but gets lots of free groceries after catching the milkman in a compromising position. Later Arthur wins the jackpot on the fruit machine at the British Legion but he and Alf decide to split it and keep quiet about it. Baffled by the presence of the groceries and informed by Alf that he has no money for her Mrs Hollingbery is not pleased when Fred tells everybody what really happened.
# Now my ol' darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# They've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# It won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer...
I'm poorer, that's a fact!
# ...Cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do"
(# Bridal March)
# In sickness and in health
I said "I do." #
- Here's your lunch.
- What is it?
- Cheese.
- Again?!
Always cheese in this house! Cheese
for breakfast, for dinner, for tea...
Cheese, cheese, cheese!
I'm not a bloody mouse, you know!
- It's a ploughman's lunch.
- I'm not a ploughman, neither!
I climb up ladders, clean windows!
Bloody ploughman don't have to do that.
Besides, a ploughman's lunch
is beer with it.
I can't even afford a cup of tea!
I haven't got any change, either.
Well, I'll have something hot for you
when you come home tonight.
You can ask for a sub for a cup of tea!
Well, aren't you goin'?
Oh, my hip... I don't know why
I'm expected to climb up ladders!
The one I'm replacing is not allowed to
cos he's having a hip operation!
What about my hip?
Some days, I can't walk on it properly.
I'm blinded with the pain of it.
How long is this supposed to go on for?
They passed you out, didn't they?
- What do they know?
- Why not go to Lourdes or somewhere?
- Because I'm not a Catholic, am I?
- You could join.
What, just for the trip, you mean?
I'm sure Lourdes could do a better job
on that leg than them doctors.
Can you go up Lourdes
on the National Health?
No, I think you have to go private.
But I'll ask Father Delaney.
If Lourdes is so good, I don't see why
we can't all go on the National Health.
They've had marvellous cures there,
miracles.
People the doctors have given up!
How much is it to join your lot?
- Nothing.
- With a trip to Lourdes thrown in?
Oh... The Church won't pay
for you to go to Lourdes.
No...well, they won't pay
for all of it, no...
But do they do special rates
for members?
What, a package, you mean?
- Like Butlins?
- Yeah.
Like Arthur went to Skegness.
That was a special.
-Lourdes isn't like Butlins!
- Well, I don't know, do I?!
They've got water there.
But that's holy water!
They don't boat and swim in it!
It's all sick people, is it?
Yes...cripples, lepers. People with
all sorts of things wrong with them.
- It's not jolly, then?
- Well...
...if someone gets cured,
they throw their crutches in the air
and everybody sings!
It's jolly enough then,
I should think.
'Ere, what about catching things?
All them sick people using the same
water - don't they get epidemics?
You have to have faith
when you go there.
I'd sooner have inoculation.
I suppose it's not that different
to going to hospital.
That's all sick people, innit?
Mind you, you don't have to share
the same bath water in hospital.
They must disinfect the water
up Lourdes, eh?
Take a few precautions.
All right, you see your Father Delaney.
If he can get me the necessary forms,
the DSS might chip in.
You tell him, if he can help me out,
I'm not ungrateful...
I'm willing to join up with your lot.
But tell him...
I'm an ordinary pensioner, so whatever
the subs are, I'm not a rich man.
Do you...want to become...
a Catholic?
Well, I wouldn't mind.
But I wouldn't want to leave me own lot.
Well, I'll speak to Father Delaney .
You'd have to take instruction, though.
That's all right, but you tell him
I'm Church of England, not a pagan.
You'd have to learn
the laws of the Church.
They do allow drinking, don't they?
Oh, yeah, 'course - I've seen them.
Straight out the church
and in the nearest boozer.
It's one of the best things
about your lot -
they know how to be happy
when they're being holy.
I don't mind joining.
I'll give it a go.
A little trip up the continent.
Yeah. .. I'll go and have a lay down
and rest it up a bit.
Get it ready, like. You fix things up.
- What about the window-cleaning?
- Och! Oh!
Mrs Carey's expecting you!
You'd drive me out there
if I was dying, wouldn't you?!
I'm not going out to work just to earn
money for you to spend up that pub!
(LOWERS VOICE) - Cow!
- What?
Here we are, Mr Garnett.
- You pedal it to start it.
- Yes!
Most bikes you do, my dear.
Ah, but this has got an engine.
Eh?
Have you drove engine before?
- I had a licence durin®' the war.
- Oh.._.had a car, did you?
No, just a licence.
- How d'you start it?
- You pedal it. I just told you. Then,
when you get speed,
you pull this little lever here...
No, it might be that one there,
or it might be...
Anyway, it's one of 'em.
Yeah, but what about the wheels?
- Well...they go round.
- I know that!
But, I mean, you know...are they solid?
Solid enough.
I can't see the pump.
He never mentioned nothing about that.
That's all very well,
but say you get a flat?
He's never had one.
He keeps air in them.
But, I mean...
- ...you need a pump for that.
- This is the ladder.
You couldn't sub us a bit o' money
for a cup of tea, could yer?
No, no, I ain't got no change.
And besides, you won't have
no time for drinkin' tea.
- You got a lot of windows to clean.
- I'm entitled to a lunch break!
I don't want you sittin' about
in caffs all day.
I've got sandwiches, missus.
Sandwiches!
That's a good business that my Harry
built up - I don't want you spoiling it.
If it rains, they'll get wet.
- Mr Garnett?
- What?
There's water in that bucket.
Bloody 'ell ! Whoa! Whoa!
Right. Oh... (WINCES)
(GRUNTS) Come on!
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
Come on!
- (ENGINE REVS)
- Come on, engine!
- (ENGINE STARTS)
- Whoahh!
Get out of me way!
I can't stop! I can't stop!
What are you doing?!
Get out of it!
- I wanna go that way!
- I can't find the brake! Found it!
Whoooah!
(CRASHING)
Blimey!
Wotcher, Alf, how you doin'?
All right. I ain't cleaned any windows.
I can't find the bloody streets.
-You need an A to Z.
- I want to have me lunch first.
You got any change
for a cup of tea, Arthur?
I got no change, Alf, sorry.
'Ere, look...
Here you are, Father.
All me punters have agreed to contribute
to your Help the Children Fund.
Bless you, my son.
- Fancy anything in the 2.30?
- Well...
That's Mrs Hollingbery's holy Father
collecting his winnings, look!
He's been gambling
with the church takings!
Supposed to be holy?!
Blimey, people pay in, Arthur,
an' he gambles it!
I was thinking of join in' his lot.
- What, become a Catholic?
- Just for the trip to Lourdes.
D'you think he gets inside information?
They say God is everywhere -
he must get some hot tips.
Might be worth a visit to that church,
become a Catholic
if the Father shares his tips.
That ought not to be allowed, Arthur.
He's supposed to be
spreadin' Christianity,
not hanging around betting shops!
They don't have enough to do.
All they do is say a few prayers,
marry a few people, christen a few...
Bury a few people.
That's the trouble with Christianity.
I don't blame the Lord, Arthur.
It's the people He employs.
They don't work hard enough at it.
That's the trouble.
I mean, it can't be economical,
employing all them vicars an' priests.
They're not seven days a week -
they only work Sundays.
They do confessions Saturday, Catholics.
All right, two days.
Give 'em a couple of days.
A couple of days a week.
When they put in for a wage increase,
link it to higher productivity
like they do with the rest of us.
Privatise 'em!
Subject your Christianity
to market forces.
Might be a bit more efficient that way.
An' then the poor people,
people like us,
the ones the Lord loves.
Well, we might get a bit out of it,
instead of goin' down the DSS.
That Roman religion, they're very rich.
Richer than Marks & Spencer,
they are.
More branches.
More branches than McDonalds.
Someone ought to write to the Pope,
let him know the sort of lab our
he's employing.
If that was a bank manager
picking up his pile of winnings,
his employers would want to know
what he was up to,
especially knowin' he liked a drink.
You like a drink.
Not on duty, Arthur.
Not if I was a bank manager.
There are certain jobs, Arthur,
if you want to do them,
certain rules apply.
The bank manager can't
roll into his bank drunk.
I don't suppose the Father goes
rolling into his church drunk.
They have drink in there, Arthur.
Mrs Hollingbery told me.
Pour themselves out a glass of wine
while they're working.
A bank manager can't do that.
People soon start talking.
- They entertain their customers.
- Nobody's ever entertained me.
Well, you haven't got a bank account.
I got money in the post office.
They don't entertain me.
Never bought me a drink.
- Look out, here he comes.
- Who?
Mrs Hollingbery's Father.
He's probably got
a numbered account in there.
Makes your blood boil, don't it?
Mrs Hollingbery saves money
out of her pension to give to him.
That's money we could spend, Arthur.
I bet what she's earning now,
she'd give something to Aim .
She wouldn't give me the price
of a drink, an ounce of tobacco even.
But the holy Father...
Him, who don't even need it!
She'll give money to him!
If I was God, I'd sack the lot of 'em!
Come on.
I wish I worked for God, Arthur.
He's a good employer, God is.
He don't sack you when you're 65
and make you redundant
and throw you on the mercies
of the State,
forced to live on a lousy, rotten pension.
No, he lets you stay on -
well looked after, too.
- You've got a job now.
- Not like the holy Father.
- You have to have a vocation for that.
- I could find a vocation for it.
Don't you worry!
“The Lord Saves"!
While His Holy Father
gambles with His money.
- Hello... 50p!
- I saw it too!
Eh, Lord?
We ain't got enough for a drink,
Arthur. It's 50p, that's all.
I'll spin you for it.
- No! Give me my half for a cup of tea.
-We'll put it in here.
- No!
- Come on, have a gamble!
Half of that's mine!
Go on, then. Have a go.
It's five goes for 50p.
- Get mine out again!
- It's a bit late now. (CHUCKLES)
I told you not to put it in.
It's a waste!
This is the time.
Bloody mad, you are.
We find some money
and you throw it away!
I could've bought a cup of tea!
-For 25p?
- I didn't want to gamble, did I?!
You never win on these bloody things.
(COINS CLATTER)
Blimey! The jackpot!
(CHEERS)
I...believe you wanted
your 25p back.
- That was one of my turns you won.
- We'll go half.
- Don't let on about this to anyone.
- Who?
Well...Mrs Hollingbery, the DSS...
Them people can turn very nasty.
- Mrs Hollingbery?
- Yeah, well, she'll want her share.
And you don't want your missus
to find out, do ya?
- No bloody fear!
- Well, mum's the word then.
- Right.
Ho ho ho! Look at that!
- Yeah, get a bag or something.
- Put it in your pocket.
Oh!
Danger money I ought to be gettin".
Why can't they lean out and clean
the bloody upstairs windows themselves?!
One good turn deserves another,
don't it, eh? Know what I mean?
Eh? Know what I mean?
'Course, there'll be more. Follow me?
Got a bit of paper?
Ta.
Pencil?
That's my address.
I could do with a new milkman.
Know what I mean?
- You ready to pay in then?
- I've got nothing to pay in, have I?
Yes! Your window-cleaning money.
I didn't clean no windows, did I?
Well, one. I cleaned one.
Only one? You've been out hours
with this bike.
I couldn't find the houses, could I?
But it was all written down
in that book I gave you.
No, it's just the names and
the names of the streets and people's...
I mean, look at that.
"The Sullivans. Young one every week,
old one once a fortnight."
"Mrs Haggerty. Knock first,
see if she wants it."
Blimey, this looks like
the milkman's book, don't it?
ALF: "Mrs Jones. Front window only."
"Mrs Carmichael. Do not
clean windows if she's out.
"She won't pay
unless she sees you do 'em."
I mean, what good is it?
My Harry, he sat up two nights writing
this out. He thought it would help you.
Why didn't he put the numbers in then?
What numbers?
- Where they all live!
- He knows where they all live.
Yes, but I don't, do I?!
There's only one number in that book.
Carlisle Street, number 47.
And I got a feeling she wasn't expecting
her windows to be done today.
Oh!
- So, you did take money then?
- Yeah, I... No, I told you.
Well, what's this then?
- That's mine.
- What, all of it? I don't believe you.
You didn't have no money
when you left here this morning.
- You wanted to borrow money off of me.
- That was this morning.
Since then, I've come into
a bit of good fortune, didn't I?
- What good fortune?
- That's nothing to do with you, is it?
Oh, yeah, I see
you've been shopping an' all.
Well, I said I'd take some things in
for Mrs Hollingbery.
You know, don't you, that you could be
sent to prison for stealing.
- You what?
- Look, give me the money
an' I'll say no more. I'll deduct them
groceries as wages, but you are sacked.
I'm sure my Harry don't want
nobody dishonest working for him.
- Give me the money!
- Gerroff!
- Gimme!
- No!
- Thief!
- Mugger!
Ooh! Ooh! I'll have the police on you.
Yeah? You're the ones who'll have
the police on 'em, my dear. Oh, blimey.
That ladder's not safe,
and that bike wouldn't pass the MOT.
We're not goin' in for the MOT!
Cor! Ho ho ho!
I dunno. Where'd you get the money?
I've been working, ain't I? Breadwinner.
- Window cleaning?
- You saw me go. You cut my sandwiches.
Mrs Carey said
she never paid you any money.
All right, believe her.
Believe her, then.
Call me a bloody liar.
No, I wanna believe you,
but I can't get any sense out of you.
I mean, why buy all this milk?
Well, you're always complaining
we're short of milk.
Yeah, but not that short, ten pints.
What are we going to do with ten pints?
The milkman comes every day.
An' all this butter and eggs...
All right, that's it.
I won't go shopping for you no more.
No, it's good of you to get it, I know.
But why buy this amount at one time?
What is it, four pounds of butter,
two dozen eggs, tea...
It all comes in handy, I know,
but why buy so much at one time?
We drink a lot of tea, don't we?
Yes, and we'll be having to
eat a lot of eggs
and put a lot of butter on our bread.
'Cept you never got any bread.
I suppose I can cancel the milk
for the rest of the week.
Oh... What, off our own milkman,
you mean?
- What other milkman?
- Well, er, different milkmen come.
- Yes.
Well, they could. They might.
No, we've had our milkman years.
Yeah, but if a new milkman does come,
you'll let me know, eh?
Let me handle it.
Let you handle it?
Blimey, we could open our own dairy.
What I don't understand is
her saying that
you stole a bag of money off her,
a bag of pound coins.
It's all in her mind. Where would I get
a bag of pound coins, eh?
Blimey, they can search me
if they like. Any of 'em.
- Yes, they might search the house.
- Who?
- The police.
- It's none of their business!
No, but they'll make it their business
if she tells them that you stole it.
- I ain't stole nothing!
- Are you sure?
- Are you accusing me?
- No, I just want to make sure.
How many more times have I got to
tell you? There is no bag of money!
I swear it! On your life I swear it.
On my life?
All right, on my life. On God's life.
All right, if you say so. I believe you.
But if you didn't, where'd you get
the money to buy all these groceries?
Four pounds of butter,
two dozen eggs, tea...
I'll bloody throttle her!
Oh, Gawd, here comes
another fog warning.
There you are, over there.
- Good evening.
- Hello there.
- Is this your good lady?
- That's right.
- That's my spouse over there.
- Oh, yeah?
What a lovely man, eh? One of the best.
Here, I'll have some nice bacon
for you tomorrow.
We carry it on the cart now.
I'll drop you off a pound or so, eh?
No, thank you. We're only pensioners.
We couldn't afford pounds of bacon.
You don't have to worry
about that, missus.
There's no charge for
His Highness here! Not this gentleman.
I've known him since 47.
Eh? Know what I mean?
I know what you mean.
Carlisle, weren't it? Eh?
- Yeah, 47.
- 47!
- Let me get you good people a drink.
- Yeah, right!
Mr Garnett!
You haven't cleaned many windows,
have you?
One. I've cleaned one, Harry.
That was enough!
Not enough for me. You're sacked.
You can't do that, Sonny Jim.
I'll take you up in front of the tribunal.
You've got to give me a fortnight's
notice or the money in lieu of.
I'll give you in lieu of!
You've give me a verbal contract. I've got
a witness. You're a witness, Arthur.
- Right.
- Here you are then. One week.
You wouldn't last two weeks in any job.
Think yourself lucky.
Bloody expensive for one window.
Bloody expensive!
There we are. Cheers. Good health.
- I'm not drinking in here.
- Thief!
You've had a good day, Alf.
Glorious day, Arthur. The sort of day
you...pray for, you know?
Let's hope nothing turns up to spoil it.
Nah, He's on my side now!
Congratulations you two, eh?
You lucky sods!
I've heard you've won the jackpot
up at the British Legion.
100 sovs, was it?
Was it 50 sovs each?
And never bought nobody a drink, eh?
You never spent a penny of it.
You're meant to bung a bit. Etiquette.
Have a big winner.
You said there wasn't any money.
Yeah, I was just trying to
keep it dark, you know.
You swore there was no money!
You don't tell every Tom,
Dick and Harry that sort of thing.
You've got to keep it to yourself.
The DSS, if them people find out...
You swore! On your life!
On my life at first!
Blimey, I could have dropped dead!
- You swore to me there was no money!
- Look...
- Stick your money!
- Oh, Gawd.
Now look what you've done!
She'll come round.
Are you going to get me a drink?
Sod off.
I'll buy you a drink.
I've got to buy one for me self.
Don't worry, Mr Garnett. Think about
your winnings. 100 sovs, was it?
What am I going to tell her?
Er, tell her the truth.
- What truth?
- Er, that you lied!
Shut up!
(BANGING ON DOOR)
ALF: Mrs Hollingbery! Mrs Hollingbery!
Open this door!
D'you hear me?!
You've no right to lock me out,
we ain't married yet!
Do you hear me?!
You'll be sorry!
I'm warning you!
If you don't open this door,
I'll break it down!
Do you hear me?!
I'm warning you!
I won't say it again!
I'm warning you!
Right! Right! On your own head be it!
No, on your head be it!
# Now, my old darling
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# They've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# But I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do” ...
(# Bridal March)
# ...In sickness and in health
I said, "Ida". #
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# They've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# It won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer...
I'm poorer, that's a fact!
# ...Cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do"
(# Bridal March)
# In sickness and in health
I said "I do." #
- Here's your lunch.
- What is it?
- Cheese.
- Again?!
Always cheese in this house! Cheese
for breakfast, for dinner, for tea...
Cheese, cheese, cheese!
I'm not a bloody mouse, you know!
- It's a ploughman's lunch.
- I'm not a ploughman, neither!
I climb up ladders, clean windows!
Bloody ploughman don't have to do that.
Besides, a ploughman's lunch
is beer with it.
I can't even afford a cup of tea!
I haven't got any change, either.
Well, I'll have something hot for you
when you come home tonight.
You can ask for a sub for a cup of tea!
Well, aren't you goin'?
Oh, my hip... I don't know why
I'm expected to climb up ladders!
The one I'm replacing is not allowed to
cos he's having a hip operation!
What about my hip?
Some days, I can't walk on it properly.
I'm blinded with the pain of it.
How long is this supposed to go on for?
They passed you out, didn't they?
- What do they know?
- Why not go to Lourdes or somewhere?
- Because I'm not a Catholic, am I?
- You could join.
What, just for the trip, you mean?
I'm sure Lourdes could do a better job
on that leg than them doctors.
Can you go up Lourdes
on the National Health?
No, I think you have to go private.
But I'll ask Father Delaney.
If Lourdes is so good, I don't see why
we can't all go on the National Health.
They've had marvellous cures there,
miracles.
People the doctors have given up!
How much is it to join your lot?
- Nothing.
- With a trip to Lourdes thrown in?
Oh... The Church won't pay
for you to go to Lourdes.
No...well, they won't pay
for all of it, no...
But do they do special rates
for members?
What, a package, you mean?
- Like Butlins?
- Yeah.
Like Arthur went to Skegness.
That was a special.
-Lourdes isn't like Butlins!
- Well, I don't know, do I?!
They've got water there.
But that's holy water!
They don't boat and swim in it!
It's all sick people, is it?
Yes...cripples, lepers. People with
all sorts of things wrong with them.
- It's not jolly, then?
- Well...
...if someone gets cured,
they throw their crutches in the air
and everybody sings!
It's jolly enough then,
I should think.
'Ere, what about catching things?
All them sick people using the same
water - don't they get epidemics?
You have to have faith
when you go there.
I'd sooner have inoculation.
I suppose it's not that different
to going to hospital.
That's all sick people, innit?
Mind you, you don't have to share
the same bath water in hospital.
They must disinfect the water
up Lourdes, eh?
Take a few precautions.
All right, you see your Father Delaney.
If he can get me the necessary forms,
the DSS might chip in.
You tell him, if he can help me out,
I'm not ungrateful...
I'm willing to join up with your lot.
But tell him...
I'm an ordinary pensioner, so whatever
the subs are, I'm not a rich man.
Do you...want to become...
a Catholic?
Well, I wouldn't mind.
But I wouldn't want to leave me own lot.
Well, I'll speak to Father Delaney .
You'd have to take instruction, though.
That's all right, but you tell him
I'm Church of England, not a pagan.
You'd have to learn
the laws of the Church.
They do allow drinking, don't they?
Oh, yeah, 'course - I've seen them.
Straight out the church
and in the nearest boozer.
It's one of the best things
about your lot -
they know how to be happy
when they're being holy.
I don't mind joining.
I'll give it a go.
A little trip up the continent.
Yeah. .. I'll go and have a lay down
and rest it up a bit.
Get it ready, like. You fix things up.
- What about the window-cleaning?
- Och! Oh!
Mrs Carey's expecting you!
You'd drive me out there
if I was dying, wouldn't you?!
I'm not going out to work just to earn
money for you to spend up that pub!
(LOWERS VOICE) - Cow!
- What?
Here we are, Mr Garnett.
- You pedal it to start it.
- Yes!
Most bikes you do, my dear.
Ah, but this has got an engine.
Eh?
Have you drove engine before?
- I had a licence durin®' the war.
- Oh.._.had a car, did you?
No, just a licence.
- How d'you start it?
- You pedal it. I just told you. Then,
when you get speed,
you pull this little lever here...
No, it might be that one there,
or it might be...
Anyway, it's one of 'em.
Yeah, but what about the wheels?
- Well...they go round.
- I know that!
But, I mean, you know...are they solid?
Solid enough.
I can't see the pump.
He never mentioned nothing about that.
That's all very well,
but say you get a flat?
He's never had one.
He keeps air in them.
But, I mean...
- ...you need a pump for that.
- This is the ladder.
You couldn't sub us a bit o' money
for a cup of tea, could yer?
No, no, I ain't got no change.
And besides, you won't have
no time for drinkin' tea.
- You got a lot of windows to clean.
- I'm entitled to a lunch break!
I don't want you sittin' about
in caffs all day.
I've got sandwiches, missus.
Sandwiches!
That's a good business that my Harry
built up - I don't want you spoiling it.
If it rains, they'll get wet.
- Mr Garnett?
- What?
There's water in that bucket.
Bloody 'ell ! Whoa! Whoa!
Right. Oh... (WINCES)
(GRUNTS) Come on!
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
Come on!
- (ENGINE REVS)
- Come on, engine!
- (ENGINE STARTS)
- Whoahh!
Get out of me way!
I can't stop! I can't stop!
What are you doing?!
Get out of it!
- I wanna go that way!
- I can't find the brake! Found it!
Whoooah!
(CRASHING)
Blimey!
Wotcher, Alf, how you doin'?
All right. I ain't cleaned any windows.
I can't find the bloody streets.
-You need an A to Z.
- I want to have me lunch first.
You got any change
for a cup of tea, Arthur?
I got no change, Alf, sorry.
'Ere, look...
Here you are, Father.
All me punters have agreed to contribute
to your Help the Children Fund.
Bless you, my son.
- Fancy anything in the 2.30?
- Well...
That's Mrs Hollingbery's holy Father
collecting his winnings, look!
He's been gambling
with the church takings!
Supposed to be holy?!
Blimey, people pay in, Arthur,
an' he gambles it!
I was thinking of join in' his lot.
- What, become a Catholic?
- Just for the trip to Lourdes.
D'you think he gets inside information?
They say God is everywhere -
he must get some hot tips.
Might be worth a visit to that church,
become a Catholic
if the Father shares his tips.
That ought not to be allowed, Arthur.
He's supposed to be
spreadin' Christianity,
not hanging around betting shops!
They don't have enough to do.
All they do is say a few prayers,
marry a few people, christen a few...
Bury a few people.
That's the trouble with Christianity.
I don't blame the Lord, Arthur.
It's the people He employs.
They don't work hard enough at it.
That's the trouble.
I mean, it can't be economical,
employing all them vicars an' priests.
They're not seven days a week -
they only work Sundays.
They do confessions Saturday, Catholics.
All right, two days.
Give 'em a couple of days.
A couple of days a week.
When they put in for a wage increase,
link it to higher productivity
like they do with the rest of us.
Privatise 'em!
Subject your Christianity
to market forces.
Might be a bit more efficient that way.
An' then the poor people,
people like us,
the ones the Lord loves.
Well, we might get a bit out of it,
instead of goin' down the DSS.
That Roman religion, they're very rich.
Richer than Marks & Spencer,
they are.
More branches.
More branches than McDonalds.
Someone ought to write to the Pope,
let him know the sort of lab our
he's employing.
If that was a bank manager
picking up his pile of winnings,
his employers would want to know
what he was up to,
especially knowin' he liked a drink.
You like a drink.
Not on duty, Arthur.
Not if I was a bank manager.
There are certain jobs, Arthur,
if you want to do them,
certain rules apply.
The bank manager can't
roll into his bank drunk.
I don't suppose the Father goes
rolling into his church drunk.
They have drink in there, Arthur.
Mrs Hollingbery told me.
Pour themselves out a glass of wine
while they're working.
A bank manager can't do that.
People soon start talking.
- They entertain their customers.
- Nobody's ever entertained me.
Well, you haven't got a bank account.
I got money in the post office.
They don't entertain me.
Never bought me a drink.
- Look out, here he comes.
- Who?
Mrs Hollingbery's Father.
He's probably got
a numbered account in there.
Makes your blood boil, don't it?
Mrs Hollingbery saves money
out of her pension to give to him.
That's money we could spend, Arthur.
I bet what she's earning now,
she'd give something to Aim .
She wouldn't give me the price
of a drink, an ounce of tobacco even.
But the holy Father...
Him, who don't even need it!
She'll give money to him!
If I was God, I'd sack the lot of 'em!
Come on.
I wish I worked for God, Arthur.
He's a good employer, God is.
He don't sack you when you're 65
and make you redundant
and throw you on the mercies
of the State,
forced to live on a lousy, rotten pension.
No, he lets you stay on -
well looked after, too.
- You've got a job now.
- Not like the holy Father.
- You have to have a vocation for that.
- I could find a vocation for it.
Don't you worry!
“The Lord Saves"!
While His Holy Father
gambles with His money.
- Hello... 50p!
- I saw it too!
Eh, Lord?
We ain't got enough for a drink,
Arthur. It's 50p, that's all.
I'll spin you for it.
- No! Give me my half for a cup of tea.
-We'll put it in here.
- No!
- Come on, have a gamble!
Half of that's mine!
Go on, then. Have a go.
It's five goes for 50p.
- Get mine out again!
- It's a bit late now. (CHUCKLES)
I told you not to put it in.
It's a waste!
This is the time.
Bloody mad, you are.
We find some money
and you throw it away!
I could've bought a cup of tea!
-For 25p?
- I didn't want to gamble, did I?!
You never win on these bloody things.
(COINS CLATTER)
Blimey! The jackpot!
(CHEERS)
I...believe you wanted
your 25p back.
- That was one of my turns you won.
- We'll go half.
- Don't let on about this to anyone.
- Who?
Well...Mrs Hollingbery, the DSS...
Them people can turn very nasty.
- Mrs Hollingbery?
- Yeah, well, she'll want her share.
And you don't want your missus
to find out, do ya?
- No bloody fear!
- Well, mum's the word then.
- Right.
Ho ho ho! Look at that!
- Yeah, get a bag or something.
- Put it in your pocket.
Oh!
Danger money I ought to be gettin".
Why can't they lean out and clean
the bloody upstairs windows themselves?!
One good turn deserves another,
don't it, eh? Know what I mean?
Eh? Know what I mean?
'Course, there'll be more. Follow me?
Got a bit of paper?
Ta.
Pencil?
That's my address.
I could do with a new milkman.
Know what I mean?
- You ready to pay in then?
- I've got nothing to pay in, have I?
Yes! Your window-cleaning money.
I didn't clean no windows, did I?
Well, one. I cleaned one.
Only one? You've been out hours
with this bike.
I couldn't find the houses, could I?
But it was all written down
in that book I gave you.
No, it's just the names and
the names of the streets and people's...
I mean, look at that.
"The Sullivans. Young one every week,
old one once a fortnight."
"Mrs Haggerty. Knock first,
see if she wants it."
Blimey, this looks like
the milkman's book, don't it?
ALF: "Mrs Jones. Front window only."
"Mrs Carmichael. Do not
clean windows if she's out.
"She won't pay
unless she sees you do 'em."
I mean, what good is it?
My Harry, he sat up two nights writing
this out. He thought it would help you.
Why didn't he put the numbers in then?
What numbers?
- Where they all live!
- He knows where they all live.
Yes, but I don't, do I?!
There's only one number in that book.
Carlisle Street, number 47.
And I got a feeling she wasn't expecting
her windows to be done today.
Oh!
- So, you did take money then?
- Yeah, I... No, I told you.
Well, what's this then?
- That's mine.
- What, all of it? I don't believe you.
You didn't have no money
when you left here this morning.
- You wanted to borrow money off of me.
- That was this morning.
Since then, I've come into
a bit of good fortune, didn't I?
- What good fortune?
- That's nothing to do with you, is it?
Oh, yeah, I see
you've been shopping an' all.
Well, I said I'd take some things in
for Mrs Hollingbery.
You know, don't you, that you could be
sent to prison for stealing.
- You what?
- Look, give me the money
an' I'll say no more. I'll deduct them
groceries as wages, but you are sacked.
I'm sure my Harry don't want
nobody dishonest working for him.
- Give me the money!
- Gerroff!
- Gimme!
- No!
- Thief!
- Mugger!
Ooh! Ooh! I'll have the police on you.
Yeah? You're the ones who'll have
the police on 'em, my dear. Oh, blimey.
That ladder's not safe,
and that bike wouldn't pass the MOT.
We're not goin' in for the MOT!
Cor! Ho ho ho!
I dunno. Where'd you get the money?
I've been working, ain't I? Breadwinner.
- Window cleaning?
- You saw me go. You cut my sandwiches.
Mrs Carey said
she never paid you any money.
All right, believe her.
Believe her, then.
Call me a bloody liar.
No, I wanna believe you,
but I can't get any sense out of you.
I mean, why buy all this milk?
Well, you're always complaining
we're short of milk.
Yeah, but not that short, ten pints.
What are we going to do with ten pints?
The milkman comes every day.
An' all this butter and eggs...
All right, that's it.
I won't go shopping for you no more.
No, it's good of you to get it, I know.
But why buy this amount at one time?
What is it, four pounds of butter,
two dozen eggs, tea...
It all comes in handy, I know,
but why buy so much at one time?
We drink a lot of tea, don't we?
Yes, and we'll be having to
eat a lot of eggs
and put a lot of butter on our bread.
'Cept you never got any bread.
I suppose I can cancel the milk
for the rest of the week.
Oh... What, off our own milkman,
you mean?
- What other milkman?
- Well, er, different milkmen come.
- Yes.
Well, they could. They might.
No, we've had our milkman years.
Yeah, but if a new milkman does come,
you'll let me know, eh?
Let me handle it.
Let you handle it?
Blimey, we could open our own dairy.
What I don't understand is
her saying that
you stole a bag of money off her,
a bag of pound coins.
It's all in her mind. Where would I get
a bag of pound coins, eh?
Blimey, they can search me
if they like. Any of 'em.
- Yes, they might search the house.
- Who?
- The police.
- It's none of their business!
No, but they'll make it their business
if she tells them that you stole it.
- I ain't stole nothing!
- Are you sure?
- Are you accusing me?
- No, I just want to make sure.
How many more times have I got to
tell you? There is no bag of money!
I swear it! On your life I swear it.
On my life?
All right, on my life. On God's life.
All right, if you say so. I believe you.
But if you didn't, where'd you get
the money to buy all these groceries?
Four pounds of butter,
two dozen eggs, tea...
I'll bloody throttle her!
Oh, Gawd, here comes
another fog warning.
There you are, over there.
- Good evening.
- Hello there.
- Is this your good lady?
- That's right.
- That's my spouse over there.
- Oh, yeah?
What a lovely man, eh? One of the best.
Here, I'll have some nice bacon
for you tomorrow.
We carry it on the cart now.
I'll drop you off a pound or so, eh?
No, thank you. We're only pensioners.
We couldn't afford pounds of bacon.
You don't have to worry
about that, missus.
There's no charge for
His Highness here! Not this gentleman.
I've known him since 47.
Eh? Know what I mean?
I know what you mean.
Carlisle, weren't it? Eh?
- Yeah, 47.
- 47!
- Let me get you good people a drink.
- Yeah, right!
Mr Garnett!
You haven't cleaned many windows,
have you?
One. I've cleaned one, Harry.
That was enough!
Not enough for me. You're sacked.
You can't do that, Sonny Jim.
I'll take you up in front of the tribunal.
You've got to give me a fortnight's
notice or the money in lieu of.
I'll give you in lieu of!
You've give me a verbal contract. I've got
a witness. You're a witness, Arthur.
- Right.
- Here you are then. One week.
You wouldn't last two weeks in any job.
Think yourself lucky.
Bloody expensive for one window.
Bloody expensive!
There we are. Cheers. Good health.
- I'm not drinking in here.
- Thief!
You've had a good day, Alf.
Glorious day, Arthur. The sort of day
you...pray for, you know?
Let's hope nothing turns up to spoil it.
Nah, He's on my side now!
Congratulations you two, eh?
You lucky sods!
I've heard you've won the jackpot
up at the British Legion.
100 sovs, was it?
Was it 50 sovs each?
And never bought nobody a drink, eh?
You never spent a penny of it.
You're meant to bung a bit. Etiquette.
Have a big winner.
You said there wasn't any money.
Yeah, I was just trying to
keep it dark, you know.
You swore there was no money!
You don't tell every Tom,
Dick and Harry that sort of thing.
You've got to keep it to yourself.
The DSS, if them people find out...
You swore! On your life!
On my life at first!
Blimey, I could have dropped dead!
- You swore to me there was no money!
- Look...
- Stick your money!
- Oh, Gawd.
Now look what you've done!
She'll come round.
Are you going to get me a drink?
Sod off.
I'll buy you a drink.
I've got to buy one for me self.
Don't worry, Mr Garnett. Think about
your winnings. 100 sovs, was it?
What am I going to tell her?
Er, tell her the truth.
- What truth?
- Er, that you lied!
Shut up!
(BANGING ON DOOR)
ALF: Mrs Hollingbery! Mrs Hollingbery!
Open this door!
D'you hear me?!
You've no right to lock me out,
we ain't married yet!
Do you hear me?!
You'll be sorry!
I'm warning you!
If you don't open this door,
I'll break it down!
Do you hear me?!
I'm warning you!
I won't say it again!
I'm warning you!
Right! Right! On your own head be it!
No, on your head be it!
# Now, my old darling
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# They've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# But I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do” ...
(# Bridal March)
# ...In sickness and in health
I said, "Ida". #