In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 10 - Episode #5.10 - full transcript

(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)

# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.

#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #

(# Bridal March)

#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #



Mr Garnett?
You've come for religious instruction?

That's right.
I'm marrying Mrs Hollingbery.

- I'm Church of England, and she's...
- Roman Catholic, yes.

- I was just looking at them.
- Yes, the Stations of the Cross.

- That's Our Lord on His way to Calvary.
- They gave Him a hard time, didn't they?

If I was God and that was
a son of mine they'd treated like that,

I'd have given them a harder time,
I tell you.

Wouldn't have got away with that
if I was God and I was His father.

And where was His mates, eh?! His
12 apostles. Look like they've scarpered.

They're nowhere to be seen, are they?
Not in them pictures.

- Shall we go over here?
- What's this?

That's the confessional box.

Um, them pictures you've got there
of the Lord...

Yes?



They're not painted from real life,
are they?

No, no, no, they're artistic impressions.

Well, I'll be honest with you, Father.

I'm not much of an expert on art me self,
but I'm sure... It's...

I mean, the way they painted that lad!

I mean, He don't look a bit like
you imagine the Son of God to look.

Oh, ta. I mean, long hair, hippy shirt.

I'm sure His father
wouldn't send Him out looking like that.

I mean, I wouldn't send a son of mine out
looking like that.

It was the costume of the day.

As tradition,
all priests still wear the cassock.

I can't believe that God
would go around looking like that,

not a man in His position.

What do you suppose He'd wear?
A bowler hat?

I'd be very surprised to see Him walking
about in a nightshirt with long hair.

How would you imagine God?

What, if He... If He sort of, like,
made a personal appearance, like...

like outside of Parliament
or on the balcony at Buck House? Well...

Dunno. I mean...

A bit like Winston Churchill,
I suppose, you know. Big cigar...

Not looking like a bloody Hare Krishna,
that's for sure.

'Souse the language, Father.

Um...

Get a lot of sinners in here, do you?

Well, I suppose we have our share.

Give 'em a hard time, do you?

Eh?

What's she done, the old lady there?

I mean, she's been on her knees
since I come in here.

I believe you've come to see me
about your marriage to Mrs Hollingbery.

Oh, yeah. That's right.
Well, the thing is, I'm Church of England.

Well, I don't know much about your lot.

So I thought, you know...

...if you could, er...

give us a bit of instruction

so's I'll know when to kneel down,
when to stand up...

and when it's all right
to sit down again...

Oh, sorry.

You know, and when to take me hat off.

Well, there's a bit more to it than that.

What I would say to you
in this situation...

One of you is a Protestant,
one is a Catholic,

and you've both got to encourage one
another in your own respective religions.

Yeah, see, what I want to know, Father,

is when we get up there to heaven,
me and Mrs Hollingbery,

do I go into the Protestant heaven

and does she have
to go into the Catholic heaven,

and are they far away,
for visiting, that sort of thing?

Not too far for a day out
to see her, like.

You both go into the same heaven.

Oh... Well, look, do I have to join up
with my first wife when I die,

or do I have to join up
with Mrs Hollingbery?

- It's a good point.
- Worries me.

What I would say to you is this...
The wife who had seven husbands,

and the question put to Our Lord was,

at the Resurrection,
whose wife was she going to be?

And Our Lord's answer is, "Ah,
in the heavens, there is no marriage."

You mean,
they're all living in sin up there?

Oh, I dunno about that.

I've never lived in sin down here.

But, I mean, what about, you know,

reproduction?

I mean, don't they do any of it up there?

No, no, no.

No, I've never been all that
enthusiastic about it down here.

What age are you up there? If you
go up there young, do you stay young?

If you're old when you get up there,
do you stay old?

And what happens if you meet your mum
and dad? Are they the same age as you?

It doesn't matter.
You become an immortal soul.

Yeah, but, see, this immortal soul,
has it got a face?

It must have, cos otherwise
you wouldn't know each other, would you?

Well, as to what you'd look like,

the answer is

the concept of heaven
is perfect beatitude.

Perfect happiness.

How are you going to be perfectly happy?

That's easy, innit?

If West Ham did the double
and win the European Cup

and I got plenty of booze to celebrate it.

No, no.

Go back to the theological side of it.

If you're going to be perfectly happy,

it's going to be you at your most perfect.

- Whatever that was.
- That is hard to say.

Modern biology will tell you. Genetics.

We have got tremendous potential

which has never been fulfilled
in this life. Never.

In the splendid state of perfection
which is heaven,

you could be anything.

Einstein, the great mathematician,

Van Gogh, the great painter,
Mozart, the great musician.

I'd like to be Alf Garnett, the great
centre forward for West Ham and England.

Mrs Hollingbery.

So she should, the way she treats me!

Stag night tonight, Alf!
Last night of freedom, eh?

I don't know why you want
to go all through it again.

I can hold my own with any woman,
don't you worry.

Not once you've put
that ring on her finger, you can't.

Once upon a time, Mr Garnett,

that ring would be a symbol
that she belonged to you.

Now it means you belong to her. She
might as well put it through your nose!

No, with my last wife, my Else,
God bless her,

as soon as she heard my key in the door,

she'd drop whatever she was doing
and place my dinner on the table.

And she wouldn't speak,
not utter a word, not until I finished,

and then only to ask if I'd had enough.

And do you expect Mrs Hollingbery
to do that?

I need looking after, don't I?
I need a housekeeper.

And where am I, Arthur, old age pensioner,

gonna find a housekeeper
for as cheap as a wife'll be?

Housekeeper?

Mine's no housekeeper.
More like a bloody landlady!

Eight o'clock in the morning, breakfast.

Ten minutes past eight, off!

One o'clock, dinner.

Ten minutes past one, no more service.

Kitchens are then closed
for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for that coffee stall
round the corner,

I would have died of malnutrition by now.

Won't she put your dinner
in the oven for you if you're late?

You're joking! Put my dinner in the oven?!

The only time she'll burn gas for me
is when my head was in the oven.

It's worse than being in lodgings.
Seaside lodgings!

I am out on the streets
more than the homeless.

I'm thinking of getting myself
a cardboard box.

At least it would be a place of me own.
Somewhere to come home to.

I won't have to be in by ten o'clock
every night!

But what about tonight, Arthur?
It's a stag do!

I put in for a late-night pass.

'Ere, look!

- I bought her a present.
- Yeah?

Yeah. There you are.

Well, what do you reckon?
It's good, innit?

How much d'you think that cost?

Go on, have a guess.

ALL: Five pounds.

How d'you know?

I saw the bloke selling 'em
down the market.

You got that for Mrs Hollingbery, did you?

Yeah, it's a wedding present.
And the ring.

Well, if I was you,
I'd keep them wrapped up.

I see what you mean -
keep it out of sight.

Don't want me collar felt.

What I mean is
if you get a bit of humidity on them,

they're gonna turn green!

What are you talking about? That's gold!

Gold?! (LAUGHS) Where are you from?

Where do you think you're gonna buy gold
in London for £5?

It's just his spiel! Tell 'em it's stolen,
every honest citizen will rush to buy.

Course. Listen...

You gonna marry Mrs Hollingbery
with that ring?

It's all right, looks all right.

I mean...
Look, I bought it as gold, didn't I?

She don't know much about gold, anyway.

She ain't seen that much gold.

Anyway, it's the thought that counts.

- Mr Garnett?
- What?

- Here's a little wedding present.
- Oh, ta.

- It's not much.
- Oh, very nice.

Well, it ain't much, is it?

What happens if somebody comes to dinner?

- Honestly.
- Alf...

- It's the thought what counts.
- Yeah, well...

Not much thought gone into that, is there?

'Ere, we do have afters in our house too,
you know!

A lot of thought went into that, Alf.

Well.

We're all poor people round here.

We didn't want you and Mrs Hollingbery
to have cheap, nasty, small presents.

So we all clubbed together

to get you a decent set of cutlery.

Well, bloody hell,
we've got knives and forks!

We thought it'd be a nice gift.

What d'you think we eat with now?
Fingers?!

- I said we wouldn't get much thanks.
- Look at that!

Look at that! Cor blimey!

I mean, there's only two of us, you know!

Oi! oi!

I don't know who buys this rubbish.

- We do.
- As costume jewellery, it's not bad.

£5 for six chains, a bangle and a ring.

Oh, yes, as long as people
aren't taken in by it, think it's gold.

Oh, come on!

What kind of daft fool
would think you could buy

six gold chains, a gold bangle
and a gold ring for £5?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

They say there's one born every minute.

And I think it's more than that
round here.

They'll look nice for the wedding, though.
All three of us wearing them.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it will.

Bride, maid of hon our, bridesmaid.
Oh, yes.

'Ere, but not them rings, though.

No.

Look. Just shows you
how thick you've got to be

if you're taken in by this rubbish.
'Ere, watch.

I know! I know!
Gold is supposed to be soft, but...

Not as soft as some people!

I bet you're looking forward to it now,
aren't you?

- Yes, in a way, I suppose.
- No second thoughts?

I've had more than second thoughts,
don't you worry.

Well, I was surprised, I must say,
when I heard you was gonna marry him.

I mean, Mr Garnett, of all people!

Oh... Well, yeah.

I know I can't talk...being married
to my Harry. I mean, fie's no catch.

Sort of thing you'd throw back
if you was fishing.

But all that was a long time ago.

- Did you have a big, white wedding?
- No. Very quiet.

I didn't want to draw attention to it.

Let's face it, marrying Harry,
it's nothing to boast about, is it?

Was you nervous on your wedding night?

- Nervous?
-Mm.

Disappointed.

No, well...

See, er...

Harry had always boasted...

...that he was...well-hung.

Fred's packs away quite neatly.

I didn't know much about sex
before I was married,

and...I didn't learn much
after I was married.

But, oh... When I seen it...

for the first time...

on our honeymoon...

I thought to me self,
"Well, if that's well-hung,

"it's not what I'd imagined
well-hung would mean.”

It hung...

...like an acorn between two crab apples.

I bet you was relieved.

Well, I was very fortunate
with my first marriage,

because he never bothered me
with things like that, no.

Well, he knew I wouldn't have allowed it.

I'll give him his due, he never persisted.
Not even if he'd been drinking.

So you're not keen
on that sort of thing, then?

No. I was brought up
to believe it was dirty.

And when I saw my late husband's...
you know,

I saw no reason to change my mind.

Fortunately, as my mother
always used to say,

"You don't get married for
that sort of thing, not if you're wise.

"If he had a good job," she always said,
“that was far more important.”

My Fred's provided a nice home,
I must say that. Although...

Well, most of the time, I would prefer
to share it with someone else.

- You've got a dream man.
- Only in my dreams.

Oh, my dreams!

I've woken up some nights

all hot and bothered, and panting...
with this...

with this feeling.

And my Fred's turned to me

and I've had to say, "No! No, not you!
Leave me alone! You'll spoil it!"

Then, of course, he gets all grumpy.

Mr Garnett says he's...

What?

- That...
- Well-hung?

I shouldn't think so.
Another acorn, I think.

(HECKLING)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You're in good form tonight!

Getting some lead in your pencil?

Yeah! You're gonna need some lead
in that old pencil of yours!

Mrs Hollingbery,
she's been without it for years!

She's gonna be hungry for it!

Been without it?! I bet she ain't,
not with that old ram about!

I bet he climbs up them old stairs
of a night, eh!

I don't know what we're laughing at.

Here's a man about to face his doom,
as they say.

You can have a laugh
and a drink at a wake, can't you?

A wake's better than this!

Here is a man getting banged up for life.

- Marriage is like an open prison.
- What's open about it?

I'm not a prisoner!

I can go out. I can go where I like.

But you have to take her with you.

Well, if you've got a dog,
you've gotta take it for a walk.

- I've had both, wife and a dog.
- He has, too. That's right.

Firm hand, right. Sit! Stay!

Down! Woof!

See, it's the training.

It's just like Barbara Woodhouse.
Breathe up their nostrils.

I don't breathe up their nostrils!
A firm hand, mate!

Pull that choke collar. Heel!

The trouble is, Mr Garnett,

a dog ain't entitled to half your house
if you want to kick it out.

A dog, you can have it put down.

And no questions asked.

But if you want to put a wife down,
that's more difficult.

That's not easy.

You've thought about it, have you, Arthur?

That's a crime, for a start.

That's right.
No extenuating circumstances.

- None at all.
- If a burglar breaks into your house

and steals half of what you've got

and you clobber him, lay him low,
finish him off, you've a chance there,

because it's your property.
Under the law, he's stealing.

But a wife, a woman, a con artist,

who comes to you with nothing,

promises to love and obey you,
and that's a lie, for a start!

I could count on one hand
the number of conjugal rights I've had.

I'd have been better off
with a whore and a housekeeper,

cos they've gotta serve you,
otherwise you don't have to pay 'em!

And you can say to them, "I didn't
like that. I was not happy with that."

But a wife, once she's wormed her way
into your affections, you're knackered!

(# DAVID ROSE: The Stripper)

Here comes the stripper!

She's got a bit of form!

(CHEERING)

You don't get many of them to the pound!

You don't get many of them to the bucket!

It's half-price for pensioners!
Get up there!

Show her what you're gonna give
Mrs Hollingbery for a wedding present!

- (BANGING)
- Open this door, will you?!

- Bloody hell!
- I've locked him in.

Oh.

He mustn't see the bride
till they meet up at the church.

It's not just that. I don't want to see
him. He'll smell of drink still, I know.

The state he got himself into last night!

ALF: Will you let me out of here?!

- Did you have to put him to bed?
- No fear! I left him where he fell.

I put some newspapers under his head,
in case he was sick in the night.

'Ere, I'm going upstairs to have a bath
and get ready.

Perhaps one of you ladies
could let him out, once I'm upstairs.

Don't let him touch any of this drink,
will ya?

I don't want him coming
to the church drunk.

ALF: Let me out, will you? Let me out!

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, Gawd.

Well, what's going on?
Why have you locked me in there?

Well, you're not supposed to see the bride
until you meet at the church.

But how can I go to church
if I'm locked in there, eh?

Mrs Hollingbery says you've got to lay off
that stuff.

She don't want you arriving
up the church drunk.

It's the first today, innit?

I should hope so,
you've only just woken up.

Well, it's just a livener, that's all.

You'll make yourself ill,
drinking this early.

Ta mill.

Cor blimey, my head.

We had a skinful last night, didn't we?

- Disgusting!
- Shut up!

There's some breakfast cooked for you
in the oven.

No, a few of these'll do for me.
Don't worry.

How am I supposed to get ready
and dressed if I can't see the bride?

You'll use your bedroom, won't you,
I should think.

I might want to go to the bathroom!
I might want a wash.

I think I'LL pour me self
a Little something,

- now that the praying mantis has gone.
- Hold on. Here.

Give that to Mrs Hollingbery, will you?
It's my wedding present to her.

I'm sure she'll be pleased.

(ORGAN MUSIC)

It's a bit late.
D'you think she'll turn up?

Course she will!

- It's her big day, innit?
- Yeah.

Got her heart set on this.

It's her happy day.

She's been looking forward to this
for months, she has, Arth.

- Fancy a drop of that, Arth?
- Oh, not half!

- Harry?
- Cheers, Alf. Good luck.

- Oh, handsome!
- Slide it along to Mr Carey, will you?

Not half! Thirsty work, this waiting.

(COUGHS)
How about you, Father? Fancy a drop?

No.

It's all right. Nobody's watching.

Excuse me, Father. Can I borrow
an offering plate to make a collection?

Certainly.

- Thank you.
- Oh, it's not for you, Father.

It's a whip-round for booze.

But we'll take your collection
for you afterwards, if you like.

Pssst! The bride's coming now!

Right. Organ!

(# I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles)

She ain't coming down the aisle to that!

- She ain't coming down the aisle to that!
- I want Here Comes The Bride !

- She wants Here Comes The Bride!
- She wants Here Comes The Bride!

(# WAGNER: Bridal March from Lohengrin)

Alfred and Brigitte Bernadette Camille...

(ALF SNIGGERS)

...you have come together in this church

so that the Lord
may seal and strengthen your love

in the presence of the church's minister
and this community.

Christ abundantly blesses your love.

He has already consecrated you in baptism

and now He enriches and strengthens you
by a special sacrament

so you may assume the duties of marriage
in mutual and lasting fidelity.

And so, in the presence of the church,
I ask you to state your intentions.

I shall ask you to freely undertake
the obligations of marriage

and to state that there is
no legal impediment to your marriage...

- Are you ready?
- Sorry.

...freely and without reservation to give
yourselves to each other in marriage.

Excuse me, Father.

- I don't have to say "obey"?
- No, we don't have that now,

not in this ceremony.

- So I won't have to say "obey"?
- No.

She will!

-I won't!
- You will.

I won't!

If you're marrying me, my dear,
you will obey and you will say "I obey"!

I'd rather not marry you.

- Oh, yes, you will!
- Oh, no, I won't!

- MEN: Oh, yes, you will!
- WOMEN: Oh, no, she won't!

And you can have
your cheap jewellery back!

Arthur, give me the ring!

This is the sort of man he is, Father.

He was gonna marry me with this!

The cheapskate! Come on.

Don't be too upset, Mr Garnett.

It's a lucky escape.

"Don't be too upset"?!

I could've gone and watched
West Ham this afternoon!

(# Bridal March)

# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# They've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact

# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #

(# Bridal March)

#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #