In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript
At the local old time dance afternoon Alf is challenged to fight ageing Lothario Fancy Fred by two merry widows who end up fighting each other but Alf has his chance to threaten Fred when Fred parks his van on the pavement outside the house. However when Alf gets his legs wedged on the window ledge as he tries to clean the window Arthur and Winston see Fred's van as a means of escape. Fred has other ideas though and Alf has a landing of a different sort.
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
(LIGHT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)
ALF: Look at that. Pillock.
ARTHUR: Who?
ALF: Him. Fancy Fred.
She's no better, the one with him,
the merry widow.
-Lives down our road, she does.
-Good dancers.
Not all she's good at.
Oh? Bit lively, is she?
Drain you dry.
Yeah? Goes all the way, does she?
She's had more jolly than
you've had hot dinners, I'll tell you.
I'll have to learn to tango, then,
won't I?
-Hey, Alf.
-What?
Look at her down there, look.
The ginger one.
Do you know her?
-No. Do I?
-I do.
I've walked her home
after the last dance a good few times.
God, it takes me back, seeing her there.
Takes me right back.
I walked her a few miles in the old days
just for a bit of, uh, you know...
-Yeah.
-God, dear, look at her now.
She was a beauty.
A real beauty. She was a real goer.
She had these great, enormous knockers
in them days.
-She still has, Arthur.
-Yeah, I know.
But in them days, they was, um...
-Different shape?
-Everything was, Alf.
And in a different position.
I remember the first time
I had them out.
-What, her...?
-Yeah.
Back row of the Troxy.
Had both of them in me hands.
And she had her hand...
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, memories.
Innocence, Alf. It was all innocence.
Yeah, sounds like it.
It was.
We just sat there for hours.
Didn't know what else to do.
Just sat there watching the film,
holding each other.
Couldn't stop.
Didn't know how to proceed.
Well, I didn't.
I think, looking back on it now,
she did.
You know, the first time we done it,
it wasn't easy.
I didn't find it easy.
I felt a bit silly, you know,
with all the talk, like.
I got used to it.
And after a time, well,
I was a dab hand at it.
But I'll always remember
that first time.
I felt a bit ashamed
seeing her afterwards, you know,
after her letting me do
what she let me do.
(SIGHING)
Not the sort of girl
you take home to your mother, is it?
No.
It's funny, you know, but I didn't like
to be seen out in the street with her.
I didn't like her holding me arm
or touching me.
Not in public, like.
I felt that... That everybody knew
the sort of girl she was,
and that they knew what we'd been doing.
And I thought it's obvious that...
They must know that
she's one of them, I thought.
Mind you, I didn't mind
meeting her in here.
I wouldn't let her go
once I met her in here,
'cause they was all after her
in here, you know.
She was a bit of hot stuff, she was.
Oh, and they knew it.
Yeah, it's rotten seeing her now.
Wish I hadn't recognised her now.
I've often thought of her, but I've
always seen her as she was then.
Hmm. Oh, I don't know.
Time don't improve things, does it?
No.
(I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE PLAYING)
-Cheers, Arthur.
-Cheers, Alf.
You gonna dance, Alf?
Not with none of this lot, I ain't.
-You can dance, can't you?
-Can dance? Hah, blimey!
I only danced at Wapping, that's all.
Get off.
-Evening Star Ballroom Championships.
-Yeah?
-I was asked to turn professional.
-Yeah?
They begged me.
Excuse me, this is a lady's invitation.
-Aren't you...
-No, he's a ballroom champion.
He'll dance with you.
-No, I ain't.
-Go on.
Give her a touch of the old slow, slow,
quick, quick, slow. Go on.
-Think of Wapping.
-Come on, then.
You'll enjoy that.
Not funny.
Ah, here! Look where you're going!
You want to watch
where you're going, mate.
-Are you blind or something?
-You keep banging into us.
Look, if you knew anything about
the rules of dancing,
you'd know that it's all one way.
We all go the one way.
Don't keep starting and stopping
and dashing off
here, there and every-bloody-where.
Just try and follow the band.
If you must change lanes, indicate.
Stick your hand out.
Let people know of your intentions.
-Ignore him.
-Don't ignore me, missus.
If anyone's going to be ignored,
it's you.
I'm the one who'll do the ignoring.
And I'll ignore you, 'cause
I know a thing or two about you.
-What do you know about me?
-Never you mind.
-I want to know.
-Yeah, I'll bet you would.
-I bet they all would.
-Here, what are you insinuating?
Never you mind.
What I am insinuating is
between her and me.
It's got nothing to do with you.
-You mind your business.
-You mind your business, too.
-Oh!
-I don't know what he's talking about.
-Ah, they all say that, don't they?
-Hey, listen, you...
Don't you poke me!
I'm not poking you. I'm leaving a gap.
I said, don't you...
why? What are you going to do?
Just tell him to be careful.
That's all I'm saying.
You don't scare him.
-He will in a minute.
-Why? What's he going to do?
Well, if I was you, I'd take him home
before he gets hurt.
-He'll do what?
-You heard me.
He'll mark him for life
if you don't watch out.
-He'll kick his head in.
-He'll have his guts for garters.
-He'll chop his spine off.
-He'll tear his arms out.
He'll cut his knackers off.
And I shall make earrings of them.
-He'll kick his teeth in.
-He'll tear his ears off.
He'll hammer him into the ground.
And I shall eat him for breakfast.
Here, take your coat off.
I'll hold your coat. Give me your coat.
Come on, then.
Come on, take it off. Pay him.
Go on, pay him.
-Go on. Go on, then.
-Hit him! Hit him!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Go on, hit him! Hit him!
-Go on, hit him!
-Don't you hit me!
Go on, you hit him!
Here, you hold this.
Bitch!
-You gonna be long with that?
-Why? You want to use it?
(CHUCKLING)
Get off of me!
What's the matter with you?
That's burning electric.
I suppose you know that.
Oh, yes, I have learned.
You put the switch down
to burn electric.
And you put the switch up
to turn it off, funny-cuts.
Very clever at switching things on,
ain't you?
Not so clever at turning them off,
are you?
-Now look what you've done.
-It's not me!
It's a van parked
right outside the window.
Bloody cheek!
He's blocked all our light out.
I can't see.
I'll turn the light on.
You won't. I'm not burning
more electric. He'll move it.
I'll move him.
Come on, move this! Move this!
Sod off!
You are parked outside of my house!
You don't move this,
I'll let your tyres down.
I know my rights!
This is a public street,
not a private street.
Don't tell me what this is!
I pay rates! I live here!
I pay road tax.
That don't entitle you
to park outside of my house!
Arseholes!
I'll give you arseholes in a minute
for blocking out my light!
I'll have you for that. Ancient lights!
Come on, I'm going to count to three.
You don't move this,
I'll let your tyres down.
Right! I'm counting!
Ready?
Right! I'm counting now! One!
I'm starting to count!
One, two, three!
Here, you leave those tyres alone,
or I'll...
It's you!
It's you!
I thought it was some idiot like you.
Don't you touch me!
Don't you lay your hands on me.
(CHUCKLING)
Need another seeing to, do we?
Right. Right, I've been
waiting for you, mate.
Come on, then. Come on.
There's no one to stop us now.
Right. Come on, then.
-I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm...
-Yes.
-I'm ready.
-Oh, yeah? I've done a bit, mate.
-I can handle myself. I'm warning you.
-Yeah, and I'm a black belt.
Black belt? I don't care
if you've got yellow braces, mate.
-I've had 'em twice your size.
-Stop it!
Don't just stand there grinning!
Stop it!
Stop what?
It's not funny, two grown men fighting.
It's not nice!
All right, all right, I'm sorry.
Come on, tiger.
No, no, no, don't do that.
No, no, don't. Don't spoil it.
-Kill him!
-Don't spoil it.
There, you see, let them fight.
If there's bad blood,
there's only one way to end bad blood.
You've got to get it spilled.
Let me go! Let me go!
He pinched our ball, he did.
-You shut up, you little...
-Take him inside!
-Get out of it.
-You shouldn't encourage them.
No, he started on him.
The man just parked his van
and he come out and let his tyres down.
I mean, what sort of street is this?
Used to be decent round here once.
He parked outside of my window!
How would you like it
if he parked outside of your window?
Oh, come on, Mr Garnett. Come on inside.
Yes, and move it, hmm?
How would you like to go back
where you come from?
What did you say?
Nothing.
Haven't you ever wondered
where you might have come from, hmm?
-You is rude and disgusting!
-well!
I'm never... I'm never coming
to park in this street again.
There!
Has he gone?
Is he gone? 'Cause if he ain't,
I'll go out there and...
What's come over you lately?
You never used to be like this.
Well, not as bad as this.
He's going demented.
You're behaving like a child.
I'm ashamed of you.
Getting yourself in the local papers,
brawling in the dance hall.
What's come over you?
I'm ashamed to call you my landlord.
Living here, what do you expect, eh?
You live among animals, you go...
You've got to stand up for yourself!
You'd better get the doctor
to take a look at him.
I don't need no bloody doctors.
You need something.
Perhaps some tablets.
It's probably your time of life.
-Menopause.
-I'll menopause you in a minute.
(LORRY STARTING)
Here...
He's moved it.
I got him to move it! Ha!
He'll think twice
before he parks down here again.
The bloody dago swine.
Oh, yeah? The old Falklands spirit, eh?
whop 'em? Hmm!
Gone up there to see that merry widow,
that's where he's gone.
He goes up there to give her one.
We all know what goes on up there.
Someone says there's been a fight.
Mr Garnett was fighting.
-Are you hurt?
-I'm all right.
But he was lucky, though.
He was very, very lucky, he was.
He's lucky Mrs Johnson was here
to stop it, I'll tell you.
'Cause... I'm still strong.
I can still be a handful, I can.
(SNORTING)
Nobody takes liberties with me,
I tell you.
Nobody pushes me around
and gets away with it!
Ooh!
I caught a few out there,
but I could always
take a punch, you know. Ooh.
I'll go down the pub,
and I'll get you a brandy.
He's still up there
with the merry widow. Yeah.
His van's parked on the corner,
down the bottom.
Down the bottom of the street,
he's parked.
-You know what?
-What?
-I think you're jealous.
-What!
I think you fancy
giving her one yourself.
You're foul-mouthed, you are.
Well, that's what the fight was over
at the tea dance.
You was fighting over her, wasn't you?
Two stags with their horns locked.
You'd better wash your mouth out!
-Where you going with that bucket?
-None of your business!
I'm a bit fussy, I am.
I'm a bit careful about
what I do with myself.
I don't want to get AIDS.
Hal
I'll be upstairs
if anybody rings or knocks.
You crafty old Lochinvar.
Go on, tiger!
(GROWLING)
I'm going upstairs to clean
the outside of her windows.
I don't lay about on my arse all day,
like some people I could mention.
Making you work for it, is she?
No, she's making me a meat pudding
for it if you must know.
-Oh, good, well, save me some.
-No!
I'm cleaning the outside
of her windows for that.
If there's any left over,
I'm having that, too.
How can you reach the outside
of her windows?
You haven't got a ladder.
By using my nut, something you wouldn't
know much about, jungle boy.
(MIMICKING TARZAN'S CALL)
Me Tarzan, you Jane?
All right, that's one done.
-You be careful now.
-Don't you worry about me.
(SNIFFING)
Cor blimey, I can smell it.
Oh, that smells marvellous, that does.
It's making me mouth water, that is.
How long will it be?
Oh, I'm ready to dish up now.
But you be careful.
Don't you worry about me, missus.
Cor blimey, heights don't worry me.
I've been up higher places than this
when I was in the army.
In the docks. I've been up
in a ship's crow's nest, I have.
I won't be a jiff.
-Oh, mind my floor!
-Oh, sorry.
Well, that's all right.
Right, then.
There we go.
# I go window cleaning
to earn an honest bob
# For a nosy Parker it's interesting #
Hey, Mr Kittel! Raining!
Eh, Marigold?
Who needs bleeding ladders, eh?
# Blushing bride, she looks divine
# The bride to be is doing fine
# My brother Edward's got the wine
# I love cleaning windows... #
-All right?
-Yes, lovely.
Ooh, yummy, yummy!
It's stuck!
It won't open!
Oh, dear!
Don't bloody stand there!
Go get Marigold!
Silly great puddin'!
(GRUNTING)
-I'll break the glass.
-You won't!
If I break the glass, I can get a saw
and I can saw through the frame.
Oh, yes? Who's going to pay
for a new one?
He's got no money.
Oh, I'll fix something.
The first thing to do is to get him out.
Is it? You leave that window alone.
I'm not sitting in here with no window.
He can't sit there forever.
Oh, serve him right if he had to.
I should never have agreed
to let him clean my windows.
I might have known. Mmm.
He spoils everything!
Go down the council.
You know them down there.
I don't want him sitting there
staring at me all day.
I don't want to have to sit
and look at him all day.
I mean, I told him, be careful.
But no!
He's been up in ships' bird's nests!
You wally!
I'll phone.
(CHATTERING ON PHONE)
Oh, God, a crossed line.
Excuse me, I'm trying to make
a very important phone call here.
Yeah, but this is an emergency.
Oh, it's true!
There's a man stuck in a window here.
It's true.
Look, will you just get off the line?
But this is an emergency!
-We've got a crossed line.
-Oh, we've always got them.
-It's two women.
-Oh, they're always on there.
Hang on! I'm going to go and get help!
Hold on tight! Don't fall backwards!
Oh, yes, fall backwards, why don't you?
Cause more trouble.
You all right, Alf?
Do I look all right?
What's he doing up there?
-He's stuck up there.
-Is he?
Are you stuck up there, are you?
You picked a nice day for it.
We want someone to phone
the fire brigade.
Yeah? Well, he's got a phone, hasn't he?
It's a crossed line.
You can't keep them off talking.
-Yeah?
-You've got a phone.
There's a call box round the corner.
We've tried. It's not working.
Will you phone them?
I'm just going out.
Well, it won't take a minute.
It's a 999, emergency.
You can't call out the fire brigade
for a thing like that.
They're busy people.
You can't drag them out just 'cause
some silly old sod's got himself
stuck in a window.
You need a carpenter.
No, when I come back,
I'll have a look in the Yellow Pages.
You just stay there, Mr Garnett.
Fresh air will do you good.
(LAUGHING)
His phone'll be free in a minute.
You want to phone the fire brigade?
well, they won't thank you.
Is he all right? He don't look
too happy out there, do he?
He's lucky it's summer.
Lucky it's not raining.
I don't know, though.
It don't look too bright up there.
It looks like rain. It might hold off.
It might hold off!
You'd better have this.
That's Alf's, isn't it?
His reward for cleaning my windows.
It's the meat pudding I cooked him
for cleaning my windows.
Would you like it?
Shame to see it go to waste, I suppose.
Shame to waste it.
Shame to waste it!
-And this is his beer.
-Oh, thanks.
Well, you eat it before it gets cold.
I feel a bit guilty with him watching.
Well, he can't eat it.
No, well, it's...
Well, I mean, it's a shame to waste it,
isn't it?
You know, it's...
Oh, that's good. That's nice.
He'd have enjoyed this.
You would have enjoyed this!
It's a bit hard,
him watching while I'm eating.
I feel guilty.
Shall I pull the blind?
Look a bit rotten, that.
Wouldn't it? Shutting him out?
No, you can't.
Can you?
Yes, I can.
(KNOCKING AT WINDOW)
She shouldn't have done that.
Oh, raining?
I thought it would. I said it would.
It won't be much, though.
I think you're gonna be lucky.
Won't be much. Just a shower.
Oh, it's raining!
Yes, so Alf just said.
It won't be much, though.
With a bit of luck, it won't be much.
-He don't deserve this.
-What?
Here you are.
Oh, give us it in here!
You are like a child!
Like a child!
Here.
You stupid, bloody...
You all right, Alf?
He looks peaceful enough.
He's asleep! Christ, wake him up!
He mustn't fall asleep!
Mr Garnett, wake up!
Don't fall... You must not fall asleep!
You've got to keep awake, Alf. Sing!
# I'm forever blowing bubbles
# Pretty bubbles in the... #
Sing, Alf.
# They fly so high
Just like my dreams... #
I want to go to the lavvy!
Oh, dear.
What do you want to do...
Number ones or number twos?
I want to do a jimmy!
I'll get him a bucket.
Bear up, Mr Garnett! Try to bear up!
We went through worse than this
in the Blitz, eh?
Remember old Jerry? Oh, sorry.
He tried to get us down!
# We're going to hang out the washing
on the Siegfried Line #
I can't hold it!
Oh, hold on tight!
The bucket will be here in a minute!
Tie a knot in it!
Here you are. That's it.
-Arthur!
-What?
I can't...
-Can you...
-Eh?
-No, Alf. Winston...
-No!
-You're a social worker.
-No!
Mind, I'll do it.
Too late.
I'll get me hairdryer.
(CHILDREN MUTTERING)
Clear... Get off!
Just missed him!
You don't clear off, I'll tip
this bleeding bucket over you.
Get off!
Hey, somebody! Clear off!
-What's the matter?
-Bloody kids slinging balls. Clear off!
Oi, clear off!
See you later!
(SHOUTING)
That's supposed to be lucky.
I should have bought shares in it.
Jesus!
We got help! They're bringing a van up,
climb on the top of that
and we can get to him.
Right.
All right.
it'll be all right, Mr Garnett.
we'll soon have you down.
Here you are, Marigold. Up you go.
-All right.
-There you go.
Right, now lift up your bum.
How can I lift up me bum?
One cheek at a time.
Come on...
That's it, come on.
It's him! I'm not helping him.
What? No, wait.
Let us get him down first.
He can bloody stay there forever
for all I care!
Don't let him leave me up here!
Hey! Oh, wait!
I'm going! I'm going!
Oh, help!
I said you was lucky!
Don't wait up!
(LAUGHING)
Don't wait up!
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
(LIGHT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)
ALF: Look at that. Pillock.
ARTHUR: Who?
ALF: Him. Fancy Fred.
She's no better, the one with him,
the merry widow.
-Lives down our road, she does.
-Good dancers.
Not all she's good at.
Oh? Bit lively, is she?
Drain you dry.
Yeah? Goes all the way, does she?
She's had more jolly than
you've had hot dinners, I'll tell you.
I'll have to learn to tango, then,
won't I?
-Hey, Alf.
-What?
Look at her down there, look.
The ginger one.
Do you know her?
-No. Do I?
-I do.
I've walked her home
after the last dance a good few times.
God, it takes me back, seeing her there.
Takes me right back.
I walked her a few miles in the old days
just for a bit of, uh, you know...
-Yeah.
-God, dear, look at her now.
She was a beauty.
A real beauty. She was a real goer.
She had these great, enormous knockers
in them days.
-She still has, Arthur.
-Yeah, I know.
But in them days, they was, um...
-Different shape?
-Everything was, Alf.
And in a different position.
I remember the first time
I had them out.
-What, her...?
-Yeah.
Back row of the Troxy.
Had both of them in me hands.
And she had her hand...
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, memories.
Innocence, Alf. It was all innocence.
Yeah, sounds like it.
It was.
We just sat there for hours.
Didn't know what else to do.
Just sat there watching the film,
holding each other.
Couldn't stop.
Didn't know how to proceed.
Well, I didn't.
I think, looking back on it now,
she did.
You know, the first time we done it,
it wasn't easy.
I didn't find it easy.
I felt a bit silly, you know,
with all the talk, like.
I got used to it.
And after a time, well,
I was a dab hand at it.
But I'll always remember
that first time.
I felt a bit ashamed
seeing her afterwards, you know,
after her letting me do
what she let me do.
(SIGHING)
Not the sort of girl
you take home to your mother, is it?
No.
It's funny, you know, but I didn't like
to be seen out in the street with her.
I didn't like her holding me arm
or touching me.
Not in public, like.
I felt that... That everybody knew
the sort of girl she was,
and that they knew what we'd been doing.
And I thought it's obvious that...
They must know that
she's one of them, I thought.
Mind you, I didn't mind
meeting her in here.
I wouldn't let her go
once I met her in here,
'cause they was all after her
in here, you know.
She was a bit of hot stuff, she was.
Oh, and they knew it.
Yeah, it's rotten seeing her now.
Wish I hadn't recognised her now.
I've often thought of her, but I've
always seen her as she was then.
Hmm. Oh, I don't know.
Time don't improve things, does it?
No.
(I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE PLAYING)
-Cheers, Arthur.
-Cheers, Alf.
You gonna dance, Alf?
Not with none of this lot, I ain't.
-You can dance, can't you?
-Can dance? Hah, blimey!
I only danced at Wapping, that's all.
Get off.
-Evening Star Ballroom Championships.
-Yeah?
-I was asked to turn professional.
-Yeah?
They begged me.
Excuse me, this is a lady's invitation.
-Aren't you...
-No, he's a ballroom champion.
He'll dance with you.
-No, I ain't.
-Go on.
Give her a touch of the old slow, slow,
quick, quick, slow. Go on.
-Think of Wapping.
-Come on, then.
You'll enjoy that.
Not funny.
Ah, here! Look where you're going!
You want to watch
where you're going, mate.
-Are you blind or something?
-You keep banging into us.
Look, if you knew anything about
the rules of dancing,
you'd know that it's all one way.
We all go the one way.
Don't keep starting and stopping
and dashing off
here, there and every-bloody-where.
Just try and follow the band.
If you must change lanes, indicate.
Stick your hand out.
Let people know of your intentions.
-Ignore him.
-Don't ignore me, missus.
If anyone's going to be ignored,
it's you.
I'm the one who'll do the ignoring.
And I'll ignore you, 'cause
I know a thing or two about you.
-What do you know about me?
-Never you mind.
-I want to know.
-Yeah, I'll bet you would.
-I bet they all would.
-Here, what are you insinuating?
Never you mind.
What I am insinuating is
between her and me.
It's got nothing to do with you.
-You mind your business.
-You mind your business, too.
-Oh!
-I don't know what he's talking about.
-Ah, they all say that, don't they?
-Hey, listen, you...
Don't you poke me!
I'm not poking you. I'm leaving a gap.
I said, don't you...
why? What are you going to do?
Just tell him to be careful.
That's all I'm saying.
You don't scare him.
-He will in a minute.
-Why? What's he going to do?
Well, if I was you, I'd take him home
before he gets hurt.
-He'll do what?
-You heard me.
He'll mark him for life
if you don't watch out.
-He'll kick his head in.
-He'll have his guts for garters.
-He'll chop his spine off.
-He'll tear his arms out.
He'll cut his knackers off.
And I shall make earrings of them.
-He'll kick his teeth in.
-He'll tear his ears off.
He'll hammer him into the ground.
And I shall eat him for breakfast.
Here, take your coat off.
I'll hold your coat. Give me your coat.
Come on, then.
Come on, take it off. Pay him.
Go on, pay him.
-Go on. Go on, then.
-Hit him! Hit him!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Go on, hit him! Hit him!
-Go on, hit him!
-Don't you hit me!
Go on, you hit him!
Here, you hold this.
Bitch!
-You gonna be long with that?
-Why? You want to use it?
(CHUCKLING)
Get off of me!
What's the matter with you?
That's burning electric.
I suppose you know that.
Oh, yes, I have learned.
You put the switch down
to burn electric.
And you put the switch up
to turn it off, funny-cuts.
Very clever at switching things on,
ain't you?
Not so clever at turning them off,
are you?
-Now look what you've done.
-It's not me!
It's a van parked
right outside the window.
Bloody cheek!
He's blocked all our light out.
I can't see.
I'll turn the light on.
You won't. I'm not burning
more electric. He'll move it.
I'll move him.
Come on, move this! Move this!
Sod off!
You are parked outside of my house!
You don't move this,
I'll let your tyres down.
I know my rights!
This is a public street,
not a private street.
Don't tell me what this is!
I pay rates! I live here!
I pay road tax.
That don't entitle you
to park outside of my house!
Arseholes!
I'll give you arseholes in a minute
for blocking out my light!
I'll have you for that. Ancient lights!
Come on, I'm going to count to three.
You don't move this,
I'll let your tyres down.
Right! I'm counting!
Ready?
Right! I'm counting now! One!
I'm starting to count!
One, two, three!
Here, you leave those tyres alone,
or I'll...
It's you!
It's you!
I thought it was some idiot like you.
Don't you touch me!
Don't you lay your hands on me.
(CHUCKLING)
Need another seeing to, do we?
Right. Right, I've been
waiting for you, mate.
Come on, then. Come on.
There's no one to stop us now.
Right. Come on, then.
-I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm...
-Yes.
-I'm ready.
-Oh, yeah? I've done a bit, mate.
-I can handle myself. I'm warning you.
-Yeah, and I'm a black belt.
Black belt? I don't care
if you've got yellow braces, mate.
-I've had 'em twice your size.
-Stop it!
Don't just stand there grinning!
Stop it!
Stop what?
It's not funny, two grown men fighting.
It's not nice!
All right, all right, I'm sorry.
Come on, tiger.
No, no, no, don't do that.
No, no, don't. Don't spoil it.
-Kill him!
-Don't spoil it.
There, you see, let them fight.
If there's bad blood,
there's only one way to end bad blood.
You've got to get it spilled.
Let me go! Let me go!
He pinched our ball, he did.
-You shut up, you little...
-Take him inside!
-Get out of it.
-You shouldn't encourage them.
No, he started on him.
The man just parked his van
and he come out and let his tyres down.
I mean, what sort of street is this?
Used to be decent round here once.
He parked outside of my window!
How would you like it
if he parked outside of your window?
Oh, come on, Mr Garnett. Come on inside.
Yes, and move it, hmm?
How would you like to go back
where you come from?
What did you say?
Nothing.
Haven't you ever wondered
where you might have come from, hmm?
-You is rude and disgusting!
-well!
I'm never... I'm never coming
to park in this street again.
There!
Has he gone?
Is he gone? 'Cause if he ain't,
I'll go out there and...
What's come over you lately?
You never used to be like this.
Well, not as bad as this.
He's going demented.
You're behaving like a child.
I'm ashamed of you.
Getting yourself in the local papers,
brawling in the dance hall.
What's come over you?
I'm ashamed to call you my landlord.
Living here, what do you expect, eh?
You live among animals, you go...
You've got to stand up for yourself!
You'd better get the doctor
to take a look at him.
I don't need no bloody doctors.
You need something.
Perhaps some tablets.
It's probably your time of life.
-Menopause.
-I'll menopause you in a minute.
(LORRY STARTING)
Here...
He's moved it.
I got him to move it! Ha!
He'll think twice
before he parks down here again.
The bloody dago swine.
Oh, yeah? The old Falklands spirit, eh?
whop 'em? Hmm!
Gone up there to see that merry widow,
that's where he's gone.
He goes up there to give her one.
We all know what goes on up there.
Someone says there's been a fight.
Mr Garnett was fighting.
-Are you hurt?
-I'm all right.
But he was lucky, though.
He was very, very lucky, he was.
He's lucky Mrs Johnson was here
to stop it, I'll tell you.
'Cause... I'm still strong.
I can still be a handful, I can.
(SNORTING)
Nobody takes liberties with me,
I tell you.
Nobody pushes me around
and gets away with it!
Ooh!
I caught a few out there,
but I could always
take a punch, you know. Ooh.
I'll go down the pub,
and I'll get you a brandy.
He's still up there
with the merry widow. Yeah.
His van's parked on the corner,
down the bottom.
Down the bottom of the street,
he's parked.
-You know what?
-What?
-I think you're jealous.
-What!
I think you fancy
giving her one yourself.
You're foul-mouthed, you are.
Well, that's what the fight was over
at the tea dance.
You was fighting over her, wasn't you?
Two stags with their horns locked.
You'd better wash your mouth out!
-Where you going with that bucket?
-None of your business!
I'm a bit fussy, I am.
I'm a bit careful about
what I do with myself.
I don't want to get AIDS.
Hal
I'll be upstairs
if anybody rings or knocks.
You crafty old Lochinvar.
Go on, tiger!
(GROWLING)
I'm going upstairs to clean
the outside of her windows.
I don't lay about on my arse all day,
like some people I could mention.
Making you work for it, is she?
No, she's making me a meat pudding
for it if you must know.
-Oh, good, well, save me some.
-No!
I'm cleaning the outside
of her windows for that.
If there's any left over,
I'm having that, too.
How can you reach the outside
of her windows?
You haven't got a ladder.
By using my nut, something you wouldn't
know much about, jungle boy.
(MIMICKING TARZAN'S CALL)
Me Tarzan, you Jane?
All right, that's one done.
-You be careful now.
-Don't you worry about me.
(SNIFFING)
Cor blimey, I can smell it.
Oh, that smells marvellous, that does.
It's making me mouth water, that is.
How long will it be?
Oh, I'm ready to dish up now.
But you be careful.
Don't you worry about me, missus.
Cor blimey, heights don't worry me.
I've been up higher places than this
when I was in the army.
In the docks. I've been up
in a ship's crow's nest, I have.
I won't be a jiff.
-Oh, mind my floor!
-Oh, sorry.
Well, that's all right.
Right, then.
There we go.
# I go window cleaning
to earn an honest bob
# For a nosy Parker it's interesting #
Hey, Mr Kittel! Raining!
Eh, Marigold?
Who needs bleeding ladders, eh?
# Blushing bride, she looks divine
# The bride to be is doing fine
# My brother Edward's got the wine
# I love cleaning windows... #
-All right?
-Yes, lovely.
Ooh, yummy, yummy!
It's stuck!
It won't open!
Oh, dear!
Don't bloody stand there!
Go get Marigold!
Silly great puddin'!
(GRUNTING)
-I'll break the glass.
-You won't!
If I break the glass, I can get a saw
and I can saw through the frame.
Oh, yes? Who's going to pay
for a new one?
He's got no money.
Oh, I'll fix something.
The first thing to do is to get him out.
Is it? You leave that window alone.
I'm not sitting in here with no window.
He can't sit there forever.
Oh, serve him right if he had to.
I should never have agreed
to let him clean my windows.
I might have known. Mmm.
He spoils everything!
Go down the council.
You know them down there.
I don't want him sitting there
staring at me all day.
I don't want to have to sit
and look at him all day.
I mean, I told him, be careful.
But no!
He's been up in ships' bird's nests!
You wally!
I'll phone.
(CHATTERING ON PHONE)
Oh, God, a crossed line.
Excuse me, I'm trying to make
a very important phone call here.
Yeah, but this is an emergency.
Oh, it's true!
There's a man stuck in a window here.
It's true.
Look, will you just get off the line?
But this is an emergency!
-We've got a crossed line.
-Oh, we've always got them.
-It's two women.
-Oh, they're always on there.
Hang on! I'm going to go and get help!
Hold on tight! Don't fall backwards!
Oh, yes, fall backwards, why don't you?
Cause more trouble.
You all right, Alf?
Do I look all right?
What's he doing up there?
-He's stuck up there.
-Is he?
Are you stuck up there, are you?
You picked a nice day for it.
We want someone to phone
the fire brigade.
Yeah? Well, he's got a phone, hasn't he?
It's a crossed line.
You can't keep them off talking.
-Yeah?
-You've got a phone.
There's a call box round the corner.
We've tried. It's not working.
Will you phone them?
I'm just going out.
Well, it won't take a minute.
It's a 999, emergency.
You can't call out the fire brigade
for a thing like that.
They're busy people.
You can't drag them out just 'cause
some silly old sod's got himself
stuck in a window.
You need a carpenter.
No, when I come back,
I'll have a look in the Yellow Pages.
You just stay there, Mr Garnett.
Fresh air will do you good.
(LAUGHING)
His phone'll be free in a minute.
You want to phone the fire brigade?
well, they won't thank you.
Is he all right? He don't look
too happy out there, do he?
He's lucky it's summer.
Lucky it's not raining.
I don't know, though.
It don't look too bright up there.
It looks like rain. It might hold off.
It might hold off!
You'd better have this.
That's Alf's, isn't it?
His reward for cleaning my windows.
It's the meat pudding I cooked him
for cleaning my windows.
Would you like it?
Shame to see it go to waste, I suppose.
Shame to waste it.
Shame to waste it!
-And this is his beer.
-Oh, thanks.
Well, you eat it before it gets cold.
I feel a bit guilty with him watching.
Well, he can't eat it.
No, well, it's...
Well, I mean, it's a shame to waste it,
isn't it?
You know, it's...
Oh, that's good. That's nice.
He'd have enjoyed this.
You would have enjoyed this!
It's a bit hard,
him watching while I'm eating.
I feel guilty.
Shall I pull the blind?
Look a bit rotten, that.
Wouldn't it? Shutting him out?
No, you can't.
Can you?
Yes, I can.
(KNOCKING AT WINDOW)
She shouldn't have done that.
Oh, raining?
I thought it would. I said it would.
It won't be much, though.
I think you're gonna be lucky.
Won't be much. Just a shower.
Oh, it's raining!
Yes, so Alf just said.
It won't be much, though.
With a bit of luck, it won't be much.
-He don't deserve this.
-What?
Here you are.
Oh, give us it in here!
You are like a child!
Like a child!
Here.
You stupid, bloody...
You all right, Alf?
He looks peaceful enough.
He's asleep! Christ, wake him up!
He mustn't fall asleep!
Mr Garnett, wake up!
Don't fall... You must not fall asleep!
You've got to keep awake, Alf. Sing!
# I'm forever blowing bubbles
# Pretty bubbles in the... #
Sing, Alf.
# They fly so high
Just like my dreams... #
I want to go to the lavvy!
Oh, dear.
What do you want to do...
Number ones or number twos?
I want to do a jimmy!
I'll get him a bucket.
Bear up, Mr Garnett! Try to bear up!
We went through worse than this
in the Blitz, eh?
Remember old Jerry? Oh, sorry.
He tried to get us down!
# We're going to hang out the washing
on the Siegfried Line #
I can't hold it!
Oh, hold on tight!
The bucket will be here in a minute!
Tie a knot in it!
Here you are. That's it.
-Arthur!
-What?
I can't...
-Can you...
-Eh?
-No, Alf. Winston...
-No!
-You're a social worker.
-No!
Mind, I'll do it.
Too late.
I'll get me hairdryer.
(CHILDREN MUTTERING)
Clear... Get off!
Just missed him!
You don't clear off, I'll tip
this bleeding bucket over you.
Get off!
Hey, somebody! Clear off!
-What's the matter?
-Bloody kids slinging balls. Clear off!
Oi, clear off!
See you later!
(SHOUTING)
That's supposed to be lucky.
I should have bought shares in it.
Jesus!
We got help! They're bringing a van up,
climb on the top of that
and we can get to him.
Right.
All right.
it'll be all right, Mr Garnett.
we'll soon have you down.
Here you are, Marigold. Up you go.
-All right.
-There you go.
Right, now lift up your bum.
How can I lift up me bum?
One cheek at a time.
Come on...
That's it, come on.
It's him! I'm not helping him.
What? No, wait.
Let us get him down first.
He can bloody stay there forever
for all I care!
Don't let him leave me up here!
Hey! Oh, wait!
I'm going! I'm going!
Oh, help!
I said you was lucky!
Don't wait up!
(LAUGHING)
Don't wait up!
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #