In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
Alf decides to invest in his own phone but quickly finds himself at war with Mrs Hollingbery over its...
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
No, it's all right, Rita.
No, there's no hurry,
I'm not in a call box.
So, don't have to worry
about being cut off.
No, I'm using Mr Kittel's phone.
Yeah. In his shop.
No, he don't mind.
You don't mind, do you?
Of course you don't. No, he don't mind.
He's a good little john-john, isn't he?
He is. What's that? He is.
He is a very nice man. I'll tell him.
It's Rita. She says you are
a very nice man.
Do you want to talk to her?
No, I'm busy. And I'm expecting
phone call. Please hurry, huh?
-Yeah, all right.
-So how much have I spent?
-Two-forty.
-How much is that?
Two pounds, 40 pence.
I know that!
what, you think I can't count?
You think 75-years-old,
I can't count yet? what am I, dunce?
How much have I bought?
That's all?
I spent £2.40. That's all I got?
The old money went further.
And these tomatoes,
you are selling them too dear.
It's the price I have to pay.
Tomatoes shouldn't be so dear.
-These are English.
-Cheaper would be better.
I've got to stand up, darling.
Yeah. Would be better
if I had a chair, yeah.
She, uh, she thinks I ought to
have a chair, you know? Sit down.
Got this leg, you see.
It's... She worries.
I'm waiting use phone.
I thought you said they was phoning you.
Yes. I'm waiting and expecting
important phone call.
This is business phone. People phone me.
They make big mail orders.
Do you sell, uh...
I don't sell, he sells.
If I sold, I would sell better than him.
Do you sell, uh...
What do I want?
I don't know. Write it down.
You should write it down.
Yes, you do. You know,
it's one of them whatchamacallits.
They're letting them live too long.
What does she think I am, Paul Daniels?
I'll bet you wish you had his money, eh?
I'm waiting use phone. Hurry up.
Yeah, all right, all right. Shush!
-No, not you.
-Will you hurry up?
Look, I can't think straight
if you're both going to talk at once.
Hold on, I'll ask him.
She wants to know if
I can ring her back later.
No, no.
No, it might be a bit awkward.
Well, um...
what time do you shut?
-No. When I shut, I go home.
-Yeah.
No, it's gonna be
a bit difficult, I think.
Well... Can't... What time
they serve dinner there, then?
Can't you ask them to
put it in the oven for you?
What sort of a bloody hotel is that?
Look, I took the trouble
to phone you, didn't I?
What? I'm eating a sweet. No...
I can't use the pub phone.
He won't let me.
Well, I don't know why. Ask him!
Anyway, no hurry,
he's not shutting for half hour yet.
What time do you shut?
Now, now.
I'll ask.
What time do you open in the morning?
She wants to know
if I can ring her back tomorrow.
No. No. This phone costs money.
It's only me daughter.
Look, will you please go?
This cheese is good?
-Yes.
-Doesn't smell so good.
It's good cheese.
No.
You could get me a phone, couldn't you?
Get me a phone put on.
I shouldn't have to stand up
in shops and call boxes,
a man of my age. Fine son-in-law.
This sausage is good?
Yes.
Doesn't smell so good.
-It's good sausage.
-Is it kosher?
It's a sausage.
-I have a religion.
-I have a religion.
And you sell sausage like this?
How much?
-That piece?
-You got another piece?
You have handled that piece.
It's been handled?
No, not if it's been handled.
My father was right.
I should have stayed in Pakistan.
You should have all stayed in Pakistan.
Fathers are always right. I should know.
Who should know better? I'm a father.
-You're from Pakistan?
-Yes.
-You know what gives you away?
-I'm not trying to hide.
Fine son-in-law
he's going to turn out to be.
Can't even get me a bloody phone put on.
I'm not complaining, my dear.
But already he don't sound much better
than the other one, the scouse git.
Perhaps you do. Perhaps you do love him.
But it don't sound like
I'm gonna get much out of it, does it?
He what? Short of money? Get off it.
He's a bloody doctor,
they're rolling in it!
When Mr Williams was here,
he had a chair.
I used to sit in it
and talk to him for hours,
but you have no chair.
I have no chair.
If you don't mind my saying,
and I'm older than you...
This is today's?
Yes, they're all fresh today.
If you don't...
It looks a bit like yesterday's.
You should have a chair.
What is...
(SPEAKING YIDDISH)
Lies, lies.
(MUMBLING) Lies, lies.
(MUMBLING)
This is mostly lies.
You what? All right, I'll shut up.
I won't say nothing. No.
No, I'm just your father, that's all.
I don't know, I'll stay silent. No.
Look, I am not trying
to ruin your honeymoon.
"Honeymoon." Sounds more like
a dirty weekend to me.
Well, you're not married to him,
are you?
All right, all right. All right.
Don't involve me, that's all.
You want to ruin your life again,
my dear? You go ahead and do it.
Do it, do it!
I can't see why you can't be happy
just living with me.
I won't have it now.
What was that, madam?
What I come in for.
I don't want it, I've changed my mind.
(SIGHS) When Mr Williams was here
this place was a picture, a picture.
You could eat off the floor.
Now, it's gone off.
Since it changed hands, it's gone off.
why did they make these changes?
That's not Mr Williams?
No, he's from India.
Look closer, you can spot them.
You can spot them.
No, it's not Mr Williams.
And I am not from India.
Excuse me.
I think you will find that you are.
I am from Pakistan.
So, make me out a liar. For what?
What's difference?
-You play cricket?
-No.
Well, there you are.
When you coming home, then?
Well, you've been gone two days already.
-Where you phoning?
-I told you, it's me daughter, Rita.
No, no, no. Not who, where? Where?
-Spain.
-Where?
-Spain.
-Spain?
Spain!
(STUTTERING) But you've been on
that thing for half an hour.
Well, it's not my fault they had to
go and get off the beach, is it?
Spain! Spain!
-Shut up.
-Spain!
Well, Mr Garnett... Dad.
I'm not your dad yet.
-Well, for your age...
-What do you mean, for my age?
You're very fit for your age.
And I can't find anything
wrong with that leg.
Except, of course, that old trouble.
Oh, it's all in his mind, Doctor.
Not in my mind, missus,
in my trouser leg, innit?
Nothing wrong with my leg.
why is it every time... Ooh!
(GROANS)
You'll always have that trouble
unless you get your hip done.
What, with you bloody butchers?
Not likely.
Take no notice, Doctor.
Oh, you've got a lovely tan, Doctor.
Did you get that in Spain?
I thought you were one of Marigold's
friends when you knocked on the door.
Is it all over?
Well, I mean, you are brown.
Then, some people go browner
than others.
It's something in their past.
Touch of the tar brush if you ask me.
Always tell a true white man,
he turns pink in the sun.
-Yes. Well, I'll be off now.
-Yes.
-Are you happy with the phone?
-Oh, yes.
-Have you used it yet?
-No.
Rita decided to get you a cordless one.
It's more portable.
If either of you were sick or anything
you could take it into the bedroom.
Yes, well, I'll just
write the number down.
Write it down? why?
-I want to send it to my sister.
-That is my telephone!
Rita said that Mrs Hollingbery
should use it, too.
Oh, that's right. Yeah, let every
old Tom, Dick or Harry use it.
Here, here.
I'm not every old Tom, Dick and Harry.
Just the thin end of the wedge, innit?
That's what you are.
Not so thin, neither.
Only, I don't watch out, I'll have
the whole street in here using that.
People know you've got a telephone,
they'll take advantage.
-Will my name be in the book?
-No, it won't. Mine will.
I'm not talking to you.
Can I have my name in the book?
No, you can't. The only person who's
allowed to have their name in the book
is the person who's in charge
of the phone and that is me!
I will be the person
officially designated
in charge of that telephone. Not you!
I live here, too.
That's not the point.
So you might, my dearest.
It don't cut no ice with them.
Tour British Telecom
don't wanna know about
all the people living in the house.
All they want to know about
is who is in charge of that telephone.
This "who" is the person
they do business with.
They want to know who the person
will be officially designated
in charge of that telephone
and that's me!
Well, you're not
in charge of this house!
I am in charge of that phone
and I will give orders
as to who can use it
and who can't use it
for their own personal,
private phone calls.
You won't be giving me orders.
I will as far as
that telephone is concerned!
I shall use it when I want to.
Not when I'm using it, you won't!
I shall make all my own personal,
private phone calls when I'm using it!
Yes, and you can answer all your
own personal, private phone calls, too
because I ain't gonna answer
the bleeding phone for you.
I'm not running up and down
them stairs for you.
She'll ruin my leg, she will,
what's left of it. No!
If I'm out, you can answer
the bloody thing yourself.
-I'm not answering it for you.
-I won't take no messages for you.
No, and I won't take
none for you, either.
Don't worry.
Listen, I'm gonna let it ring and all.
One of you had better answer it.
Let her! She's the one doing
all the shouting about it.
Yeah, I'll answer it. I'll answer it.
Put my name in the book
and move it upstairs...
No! My name goes in the book
and that phone stays down here,
for crying out loud!
It was my daughter that put
that phone in. It was her idea.
My daughter! I am her father!
You are her husband.
Well, you're going to be. Worse luck.
You are my father-in-law!
-No, you are my father-in-law.
-Don't tell me what I am!
Well, I'll tell you what you are!
Cor, strewth! You're paying for it,
ain't you? Eh?
Who were you buying it for, her or me?
She's not even a relation.
That phone was put in for me
in case of emergency.
In case I get took ill.
Let her look after
her own bloody emergencies.
I mean, I am the one Rita worries about,
I am the one Rita loves and cares for.
Not her.
I mean, if anything happens to her,
well, it's hard luck, innit?
We'd all feel a bit sorry
and might shed a tear or two.
Wouldn't be the end of our world,
would it?
We'd get over it and soon I'd hope.
Take the phone out!
Take it, I don't want it!
I don't want to share a phone with him!
You don't have to share
nothing with me, missus!
You stay up in your own half
of the house
and I wouldn't have to see you...
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Let me have it!
-No!
-That is my telephone!
-No, I want to answer it!
-Make her give it to me!
-No, I'm going to answer it!
-You bought that phone for me!
Hello? Hello? No one there.
Press the talk button
and pull up the aerial.
See. She don't even know
how to use it. Give it us here.
No, I'll do it!
Hello? Ooh, hello. Yes.
(GIGGLES) Oh, yes!
Is that you? This is me!
-Who is it?
-Mind your own business.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah.
Yeah!
There you are. Look, you see?
-Well...
-Give me that!
-I'm taking it upstairs.
-Bring that back! There you are.
She's took it upstairs.
I told you she would. You see?
You let them use it,
they take advantage.
It's for you.
Hello? Hello!
-Nobody there.
-It was Rita.
Rita! Where'd she go?
She was in a telephone kiosk.
Her money ran out.
You!
Oh, crikey!
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Oh. I wonder who that is.
Some people. They just wait
till you get in the bath.
That thing hasn't rung all day. I just
get in the bath, bloody thing rings!
Sod it!
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
(TELEPHONE STOPS RINGING)
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Oh, now it's done it!
Hello?
Hello. Is that you?
Who's that?
It's me, Mr Garnett.
What do you want?
I don't want nothing.
I am just testing
my new cordless telephone.
I am round the corner in Tinto Road.
Am I getting through?
Are you receiving me?
Can you hear me? Over.
Of course I can bloody hear you!
Was that you who rang just now?
Yeah, I was in Murray Road. Murray.
Well, you come out of your door,
turn left, take the first...
Oh, you know it.
Well, I was in Murray Road,
but you wasn't answering
so I've come a bit nearer,
in case you can't hear me.
You can hear me all right now, can you?
(SCREAMS) Yes!
No need to shout.
You're coming through loud and clear.
I'm just testing the range, see?
Well, I'm going back to Murray Road
and what I want you to do,
I want you to tell me when you can't
hear me no more. All right?
I'm moving off now.
Left. Right. Left. Right. Left.
I am turning the corner.
Mary had a little lamb
whose fleece was...
It's my new cordless telephone, see?
No wires. Nothing.
Amazing, innit?
Have a talk on it if you like.
There's someone on the other end.
Hold on. Uh, there's a lady here...
Hello? Hello?
Must be out of range.
I'll try my friend Arthur.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Dor. Phone.
Dorothy. Telephone.
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Dorothy, where are you?
Get the telephone.
Hello.
Hello? Arthur?
It's Alf.
Oh, Christ, Alf. I was on the lav.
Oh, sorry.
Arthur, I am testing out
my new cordless telephone.
I'm in Murray Road. Murray.
Well, you come out of your... Um.
I mean, it's left
out of Johnson's, so...
You turn right...
The first...
Murray. Oh, you know it.
Well, I'm in Murray Road,
talking to you. Yeah.
There's a lady who would
like to say hello.
Well, she's never spoke
on a cordless telephone.
Just say hello.
Go on. Say something.
Hello?
Well, hold it.
Go ahead, it won't bite you.
Hello, can you hear me?
My name is Daphne Rowbottom.
Look. Now, just a minute, look...
-who's that?
-No one.
-What do you mean, no one?
-No one.
-I can hear talking.
-It's Alf, that's all.
Oh, is it? well, I don't want him
phoning here. Give me that.
It's a woman! Who is she?
-No one.
-Who is she?
Who are you?
-Speak up, I know you're there.
-It's Alf...
Shut up, you, I'll deal with you later.
Who are you? I don't care who you are.
If I catch you with my husband...
Arthur, stay here.
I'm not done with you.
Right. This is Mr Alfred Garnett.
Number 8, Ma it land Terrace, Newham.
Number 8. I've just told you,
number 8, number 8!
Oh, the phone number. Yeah.
It's 0-1...
Yes, I know it's London! But I don't
know if you know it's London, do I?
0-1... Hold on.
4-7-1-1-2-9-0.
Well, you should know.
You put the bloody thing in, didn't you?
What is my problem?
I'LL tell you my problem, my dear.
It's her upstairs,
that's my bloody problem, innit?
Look, I've just joined
your lot, see. And...
For crying out loud.
I've told the other girl all of this.
All right, I'll tell you.
I said I will tell you.
Are you English?
For crying out loud. Listen!
My son-in-law, he bought this phone
for me, for my exclusive use, right?
And that bloody thing upstairs...
It's him again, Mabel.
Oh, no. I just hung up on him.
He wants the supervisor.
I'll talk to him.
Hello, supervisor.
Just a moment.
He wants to report me to my superior.
I'll take it. Who is he?
Some lug who wants us to
tell the lady upstairs
that his phone is his own
private and personal property
and that she can't use it at all.
You sort it out.
Hello. Can I help you, sir?
(SCREAMING OVER PHONE)
Christ, what have you done to him?
Just a moment, sir.
You have the wrong department.
Just a moment, I'll transfer you.
Take this, will you, Janice?
Hello, operator.
What is your difficulty, sir?
(SCREAMING OVER PHONE)
I'm going for a smoke.
He'll keep till I get back.
(IMITATES PHONE RINGING)
I suppose you think that's funny.
You bloody bully!
Get off out of it.
Such a fool.
It's a pity you can't grow up.
(SCOFFS)
How do you get your underpants so dirty?
Don't tell me.
The washing powder hasn't been
invented yet to get rid of your stains.
Take them down the laundrette.
I beg your pardon.
Be seen taking these
down the laundrette?
Sit there and watch these
go round in a machine?
I'm very sorry, darling,
but I would be too ashamed.
If you was to get knocked down
by a bus, I don't what they'd think.
They'd think he's dirty, that's all.
-He sleeps in them, too.
-How do you know?
Why don't you buy yourself
some pyjamas, hmm?
Or at least a new pair of underpants.
No, I've got better things to do
with my pension
than waste it on getting
all dolled up to go to bed.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Telephone.
Hello? Hello?
Who's this? Who? Oh, yes.
who is it who wishes to speak with her?
Is that you, Glad?
Can't you see I'm on the telephone?
Do you mind?
Yes, I know who you are!
I know, you've already rung
four times today, ain't you?
-Can you hear me, Gladys?
-You're... Will you shut up?
You'll have to talk up a bit,
I've got some lunatic yelling in my ear.
Will you shut up?
Yes, I know you're her sister,
but you've rung four times
already today.
This happens to be my telephone.
I don't want people ringing here
any hour of the day or night
just when they feel like it.
It's not a toy, you know. Don't snatch!
Pig!
Hello. He shouldn't be allowed
to have a phone.
No, he shouldn't be allowed
to talk on one. I'll go upstairs.
Not with that phone, you don't.
Mind out of my way.
Not with that phone, you don't!
Are you going to stop me going upstairs?
I am not stopping you going anywhere.
You can get on your bloody broomstick
and buzz off to Timbuktu for all I care.
But the telephone stays down here!
I'm taking you upstairs, Gladys.
-Oh, no, you won't.
-Oh, yes, I will.
Oh, no, you won't, I say!
Oh, yes, I will, I say!
Oh, no, you won't!
Oh, yes, I will!
Oh, yes, she did!
You!
(IMITATES PHONE RINGING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Where is it? Where is it?
Are you sure you ain't had it?
And how would I have it?
I've just come in.
Is it down the side of the chair?
What'd it be doing down the side
of the chair? I've already looked.
Should be on the wall, in its thing,
where it's supposed to be.
Well, who had it last?
Blimey, why can't people put things back
where they found them, eh?
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Where is it? A place for everything
and everything in its place.
It's not hard.
Use it! Put it back!
-Oh, like you, you mean?
-I always put things back!
Well, if you always put things back,
why are we searching for it?
I ain't had it, have I?
Well, there is only you and her.
Has she got it upstairs, has she?
What, and let it ring?
why isn't she down here now?
She's only got to hear that thing start,
she's down here like a shot.
Like an elephant after a banana.
She sits on these bleeding stairs
waiting for it to ring!
She's out!
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
It's not up there.
How would you know? She always
locks her door when she goes out.
I've got a key, ain't I?
Well, you know,
just in case of emergency.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Who's that?
-What?
-Your telephone is ringing.
I know my telephone is ringing!
Christ almighty, I'm not deaf!
Where the bloody hell is she?
Well, why don't you try the pub?
You'll be going over there anyway.
Shut up! Shut up!
We can hear you!
We can't find your other piece!
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
The phone's ringing!
The bloody phone's ringing!
Oh, is it? I can't hear it.
Well, of course you can't hear it
over here, you silly, great lump!
Gawd strewth.
Hello? Hello?
Mrs Hollingbery speaking.
You can't use it over here.
You're daft as a brush, you are!
You can't use it here,
you're out of range!
Give it us here!
What's the matter with your eye?
That thing, that's what's the matter.
Your bloody phone.
Eh?
Mr Garnett.
(MUMBLING)
Who's that?
My Fred. Mr Garnett, Fred says...
Oh, I hope you don't mind
me saying this.
He says, "You're a bloody pest,
that's what you are."
He says, "Why don't you move?" he says.
What? Oh, just a minute.
(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)
"Why don't you..."
I can't read his writing.
"P-1" Is that an "S"?
(MUMBLING IN ANGER)
Oh, you mustn't be too hard
on Mr Garnett.
I'm sure he didn't mean it.
He didn't intend it.
Intend what?
Mr Garnett got Fred
out of the bath the other day.
Well, more than once, actually.
Fred gets himself into such paddies.
I've told him before. "You'll do
yourself an injury one day," I says.
And he has.
He gets himself into such a rage.
He used to bang his head against
the stairs. But he's over that now.
He just kicks them.
But getting out of the bath, see,
he had no shoes on.
I found him lying in a dead faint
with his foot through the stairs.
The doctor says he's broke
two toes and his ankle.
(MUMBLES IN ANGER)
Yeah. Well, I think it's more.
Well, it looks like more.
(STAMMERS) What's the matter with his...
All round.
That's another habit he's started.
Punching himself in the jaw.
Oh! He's doing it again.
He's doing it again.
Oh, you'll give yourself
such a headache.
Oi, Fred.
It's a pity you wasn't out
when I rung, innit?
And all these calls to Manchester.
That's her sister.
They talk for hours, they do.
I don't phone my sister. She phones me.
And reverses the charges.
And six calls to Jamaica.
I paid for those calls.
I gave you the money
to put in your telephone box.
What, this one?
That's the one.
Hmm. It's empty.
Yeah, well, I mean...
Bloke come around from the
Save the Children Fund and...
And then I didn't have the heart to...
I did! I did!
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
MRS HOLLINGBERY:
I preferred the other one.
ALF: You abused it.
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
No, it's all right, Rita.
No, there's no hurry,
I'm not in a call box.
So, don't have to worry
about being cut off.
No, I'm using Mr Kittel's phone.
Yeah. In his shop.
No, he don't mind.
You don't mind, do you?
Of course you don't. No, he don't mind.
He's a good little john-john, isn't he?
He is. What's that? He is.
He is a very nice man. I'll tell him.
It's Rita. She says you are
a very nice man.
Do you want to talk to her?
No, I'm busy. And I'm expecting
phone call. Please hurry, huh?
-Yeah, all right.
-So how much have I spent?
-Two-forty.
-How much is that?
Two pounds, 40 pence.
I know that!
what, you think I can't count?
You think 75-years-old,
I can't count yet? what am I, dunce?
How much have I bought?
That's all?
I spent £2.40. That's all I got?
The old money went further.
And these tomatoes,
you are selling them too dear.
It's the price I have to pay.
Tomatoes shouldn't be so dear.
-These are English.
-Cheaper would be better.
I've got to stand up, darling.
Yeah. Would be better
if I had a chair, yeah.
She, uh, she thinks I ought to
have a chair, you know? Sit down.
Got this leg, you see.
It's... She worries.
I'm waiting use phone.
I thought you said they was phoning you.
Yes. I'm waiting and expecting
important phone call.
This is business phone. People phone me.
They make big mail orders.
Do you sell, uh...
I don't sell, he sells.
If I sold, I would sell better than him.
Do you sell, uh...
What do I want?
I don't know. Write it down.
You should write it down.
Yes, you do. You know,
it's one of them whatchamacallits.
They're letting them live too long.
What does she think I am, Paul Daniels?
I'll bet you wish you had his money, eh?
I'm waiting use phone. Hurry up.
Yeah, all right, all right. Shush!
-No, not you.
-Will you hurry up?
Look, I can't think straight
if you're both going to talk at once.
Hold on, I'll ask him.
She wants to know if
I can ring her back later.
No, no.
No, it might be a bit awkward.
Well, um...
what time do you shut?
-No. When I shut, I go home.
-Yeah.
No, it's gonna be
a bit difficult, I think.
Well... Can't... What time
they serve dinner there, then?
Can't you ask them to
put it in the oven for you?
What sort of a bloody hotel is that?
Look, I took the trouble
to phone you, didn't I?
What? I'm eating a sweet. No...
I can't use the pub phone.
He won't let me.
Well, I don't know why. Ask him!
Anyway, no hurry,
he's not shutting for half hour yet.
What time do you shut?
Now, now.
I'll ask.
What time do you open in the morning?
She wants to know
if I can ring her back tomorrow.
No. No. This phone costs money.
It's only me daughter.
Look, will you please go?
This cheese is good?
-Yes.
-Doesn't smell so good.
It's good cheese.
No.
You could get me a phone, couldn't you?
Get me a phone put on.
I shouldn't have to stand up
in shops and call boxes,
a man of my age. Fine son-in-law.
This sausage is good?
Yes.
Doesn't smell so good.
-It's good sausage.
-Is it kosher?
It's a sausage.
-I have a religion.
-I have a religion.
And you sell sausage like this?
How much?
-That piece?
-You got another piece?
You have handled that piece.
It's been handled?
No, not if it's been handled.
My father was right.
I should have stayed in Pakistan.
You should have all stayed in Pakistan.
Fathers are always right. I should know.
Who should know better? I'm a father.
-You're from Pakistan?
-Yes.
-You know what gives you away?
-I'm not trying to hide.
Fine son-in-law
he's going to turn out to be.
Can't even get me a bloody phone put on.
I'm not complaining, my dear.
But already he don't sound much better
than the other one, the scouse git.
Perhaps you do. Perhaps you do love him.
But it don't sound like
I'm gonna get much out of it, does it?
He what? Short of money? Get off it.
He's a bloody doctor,
they're rolling in it!
When Mr Williams was here,
he had a chair.
I used to sit in it
and talk to him for hours,
but you have no chair.
I have no chair.
If you don't mind my saying,
and I'm older than you...
This is today's?
Yes, they're all fresh today.
If you don't...
It looks a bit like yesterday's.
You should have a chair.
What is...
(SPEAKING YIDDISH)
Lies, lies.
(MUMBLING) Lies, lies.
(MUMBLING)
This is mostly lies.
You what? All right, I'll shut up.
I won't say nothing. No.
No, I'm just your father, that's all.
I don't know, I'll stay silent. No.
Look, I am not trying
to ruin your honeymoon.
"Honeymoon." Sounds more like
a dirty weekend to me.
Well, you're not married to him,
are you?
All right, all right. All right.
Don't involve me, that's all.
You want to ruin your life again,
my dear? You go ahead and do it.
Do it, do it!
I can't see why you can't be happy
just living with me.
I won't have it now.
What was that, madam?
What I come in for.
I don't want it, I've changed my mind.
(SIGHS) When Mr Williams was here
this place was a picture, a picture.
You could eat off the floor.
Now, it's gone off.
Since it changed hands, it's gone off.
why did they make these changes?
That's not Mr Williams?
No, he's from India.
Look closer, you can spot them.
You can spot them.
No, it's not Mr Williams.
And I am not from India.
Excuse me.
I think you will find that you are.
I am from Pakistan.
So, make me out a liar. For what?
What's difference?
-You play cricket?
-No.
Well, there you are.
When you coming home, then?
Well, you've been gone two days already.
-Where you phoning?
-I told you, it's me daughter, Rita.
No, no, no. Not who, where? Where?
-Spain.
-Where?
-Spain.
-Spain?
Spain!
(STUTTERING) But you've been on
that thing for half an hour.
Well, it's not my fault they had to
go and get off the beach, is it?
Spain! Spain!
-Shut up.
-Spain!
Well, Mr Garnett... Dad.
I'm not your dad yet.
-Well, for your age...
-What do you mean, for my age?
You're very fit for your age.
And I can't find anything
wrong with that leg.
Except, of course, that old trouble.
Oh, it's all in his mind, Doctor.
Not in my mind, missus,
in my trouser leg, innit?
Nothing wrong with my leg.
why is it every time... Ooh!
(GROANS)
You'll always have that trouble
unless you get your hip done.
What, with you bloody butchers?
Not likely.
Take no notice, Doctor.
Oh, you've got a lovely tan, Doctor.
Did you get that in Spain?
I thought you were one of Marigold's
friends when you knocked on the door.
Is it all over?
Well, I mean, you are brown.
Then, some people go browner
than others.
It's something in their past.
Touch of the tar brush if you ask me.
Always tell a true white man,
he turns pink in the sun.
-Yes. Well, I'll be off now.
-Yes.
-Are you happy with the phone?
-Oh, yes.
-Have you used it yet?
-No.
Rita decided to get you a cordless one.
It's more portable.
If either of you were sick or anything
you could take it into the bedroom.
Yes, well, I'll just
write the number down.
Write it down? why?
-I want to send it to my sister.
-That is my telephone!
Rita said that Mrs Hollingbery
should use it, too.
Oh, that's right. Yeah, let every
old Tom, Dick or Harry use it.
Here, here.
I'm not every old Tom, Dick and Harry.
Just the thin end of the wedge, innit?
That's what you are.
Not so thin, neither.
Only, I don't watch out, I'll have
the whole street in here using that.
People know you've got a telephone,
they'll take advantage.
-Will my name be in the book?
-No, it won't. Mine will.
I'm not talking to you.
Can I have my name in the book?
No, you can't. The only person who's
allowed to have their name in the book
is the person who's in charge
of the phone and that is me!
I will be the person
officially designated
in charge of that telephone. Not you!
I live here, too.
That's not the point.
So you might, my dearest.
It don't cut no ice with them.
Tour British Telecom
don't wanna know about
all the people living in the house.
All they want to know about
is who is in charge of that telephone.
This "who" is the person
they do business with.
They want to know who the person
will be officially designated
in charge of that telephone
and that's me!
Well, you're not
in charge of this house!
I am in charge of that phone
and I will give orders
as to who can use it
and who can't use it
for their own personal,
private phone calls.
You won't be giving me orders.
I will as far as
that telephone is concerned!
I shall use it when I want to.
Not when I'm using it, you won't!
I shall make all my own personal,
private phone calls when I'm using it!
Yes, and you can answer all your
own personal, private phone calls, too
because I ain't gonna answer
the bleeding phone for you.
I'm not running up and down
them stairs for you.
She'll ruin my leg, she will,
what's left of it. No!
If I'm out, you can answer
the bloody thing yourself.
-I'm not answering it for you.
-I won't take no messages for you.
No, and I won't take
none for you, either.
Don't worry.
Listen, I'm gonna let it ring and all.
One of you had better answer it.
Let her! She's the one doing
all the shouting about it.
Yeah, I'll answer it. I'll answer it.
Put my name in the book
and move it upstairs...
No! My name goes in the book
and that phone stays down here,
for crying out loud!
It was my daughter that put
that phone in. It was her idea.
My daughter! I am her father!
You are her husband.
Well, you're going to be. Worse luck.
You are my father-in-law!
-No, you are my father-in-law.
-Don't tell me what I am!
Well, I'll tell you what you are!
Cor, strewth! You're paying for it,
ain't you? Eh?
Who were you buying it for, her or me?
She's not even a relation.
That phone was put in for me
in case of emergency.
In case I get took ill.
Let her look after
her own bloody emergencies.
I mean, I am the one Rita worries about,
I am the one Rita loves and cares for.
Not her.
I mean, if anything happens to her,
well, it's hard luck, innit?
We'd all feel a bit sorry
and might shed a tear or two.
Wouldn't be the end of our world,
would it?
We'd get over it and soon I'd hope.
Take the phone out!
Take it, I don't want it!
I don't want to share a phone with him!
You don't have to share
nothing with me, missus!
You stay up in your own half
of the house
and I wouldn't have to see you...
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Let me have it!
-No!
-That is my telephone!
-No, I want to answer it!
-Make her give it to me!
-No, I'm going to answer it!
-You bought that phone for me!
Hello? Hello? No one there.
Press the talk button
and pull up the aerial.
See. She don't even know
how to use it. Give it us here.
No, I'll do it!
Hello? Ooh, hello. Yes.
(GIGGLES) Oh, yes!
Is that you? This is me!
-Who is it?
-Mind your own business.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah.
Yeah!
There you are. Look, you see?
-Well...
-Give me that!
-I'm taking it upstairs.
-Bring that back! There you are.
She's took it upstairs.
I told you she would. You see?
You let them use it,
they take advantage.
It's for you.
Hello? Hello!
-Nobody there.
-It was Rita.
Rita! Where'd she go?
She was in a telephone kiosk.
Her money ran out.
You!
Oh, crikey!
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Oh. I wonder who that is.
Some people. They just wait
till you get in the bath.
That thing hasn't rung all day. I just
get in the bath, bloody thing rings!
Sod it!
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
(TELEPHONE STOPS RINGING)
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Oh, now it's done it!
Hello?
Hello. Is that you?
Who's that?
It's me, Mr Garnett.
What do you want?
I don't want nothing.
I am just testing
my new cordless telephone.
I am round the corner in Tinto Road.
Am I getting through?
Are you receiving me?
Can you hear me? Over.
Of course I can bloody hear you!
Was that you who rang just now?
Yeah, I was in Murray Road. Murray.
Well, you come out of your door,
turn left, take the first...
Oh, you know it.
Well, I was in Murray Road,
but you wasn't answering
so I've come a bit nearer,
in case you can't hear me.
You can hear me all right now, can you?
(SCREAMS) Yes!
No need to shout.
You're coming through loud and clear.
I'm just testing the range, see?
Well, I'm going back to Murray Road
and what I want you to do,
I want you to tell me when you can't
hear me no more. All right?
I'm moving off now.
Left. Right. Left. Right. Left.
I am turning the corner.
Mary had a little lamb
whose fleece was...
It's my new cordless telephone, see?
No wires. Nothing.
Amazing, innit?
Have a talk on it if you like.
There's someone on the other end.
Hold on. Uh, there's a lady here...
Hello? Hello?
Must be out of range.
I'll try my friend Arthur.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Dor. Phone.
Dorothy. Telephone.
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Dorothy, where are you?
Get the telephone.
Hello.
Hello? Arthur?
It's Alf.
Oh, Christ, Alf. I was on the lav.
Oh, sorry.
Arthur, I am testing out
my new cordless telephone.
I'm in Murray Road. Murray.
Well, you come out of your... Um.
I mean, it's left
out of Johnson's, so...
You turn right...
The first...
Murray. Oh, you know it.
Well, I'm in Murray Road,
talking to you. Yeah.
There's a lady who would
like to say hello.
Well, she's never spoke
on a cordless telephone.
Just say hello.
Go on. Say something.
Hello?
Well, hold it.
Go ahead, it won't bite you.
Hello, can you hear me?
My name is Daphne Rowbottom.
Look. Now, just a minute, look...
-who's that?
-No one.
-What do you mean, no one?
-No one.
-I can hear talking.
-It's Alf, that's all.
Oh, is it? well, I don't want him
phoning here. Give me that.
It's a woman! Who is she?
-No one.
-Who is she?
Who are you?
-Speak up, I know you're there.
-It's Alf...
Shut up, you, I'll deal with you later.
Who are you? I don't care who you are.
If I catch you with my husband...
Arthur, stay here.
I'm not done with you.
Right. This is Mr Alfred Garnett.
Number 8, Ma it land Terrace, Newham.
Number 8. I've just told you,
number 8, number 8!
Oh, the phone number. Yeah.
It's 0-1...
Yes, I know it's London! But I don't
know if you know it's London, do I?
0-1... Hold on.
4-7-1-1-2-9-0.
Well, you should know.
You put the bloody thing in, didn't you?
What is my problem?
I'LL tell you my problem, my dear.
It's her upstairs,
that's my bloody problem, innit?
Look, I've just joined
your lot, see. And...
For crying out loud.
I've told the other girl all of this.
All right, I'll tell you.
I said I will tell you.
Are you English?
For crying out loud. Listen!
My son-in-law, he bought this phone
for me, for my exclusive use, right?
And that bloody thing upstairs...
It's him again, Mabel.
Oh, no. I just hung up on him.
He wants the supervisor.
I'll talk to him.
Hello, supervisor.
Just a moment.
He wants to report me to my superior.
I'll take it. Who is he?
Some lug who wants us to
tell the lady upstairs
that his phone is his own
private and personal property
and that she can't use it at all.
You sort it out.
Hello. Can I help you, sir?
(SCREAMING OVER PHONE)
Christ, what have you done to him?
Just a moment, sir.
You have the wrong department.
Just a moment, I'll transfer you.
Take this, will you, Janice?
Hello, operator.
What is your difficulty, sir?
(SCREAMING OVER PHONE)
I'm going for a smoke.
He'll keep till I get back.
(IMITATES PHONE RINGING)
I suppose you think that's funny.
You bloody bully!
Get off out of it.
Such a fool.
It's a pity you can't grow up.
(SCOFFS)
How do you get your underpants so dirty?
Don't tell me.
The washing powder hasn't been
invented yet to get rid of your stains.
Take them down the laundrette.
I beg your pardon.
Be seen taking these
down the laundrette?
Sit there and watch these
go round in a machine?
I'm very sorry, darling,
but I would be too ashamed.
If you was to get knocked down
by a bus, I don't what they'd think.
They'd think he's dirty, that's all.
-He sleeps in them, too.
-How do you know?
Why don't you buy yourself
some pyjamas, hmm?
Or at least a new pair of underpants.
No, I've got better things to do
with my pension
than waste it on getting
all dolled up to go to bed.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Telephone.
Hello? Hello?
Who's this? Who? Oh, yes.
who is it who wishes to speak with her?
Is that you, Glad?
Can't you see I'm on the telephone?
Do you mind?
Yes, I know who you are!
I know, you've already rung
four times today, ain't you?
-Can you hear me, Gladys?
-You're... Will you shut up?
You'll have to talk up a bit,
I've got some lunatic yelling in my ear.
Will you shut up?
Yes, I know you're her sister,
but you've rung four times
already today.
This happens to be my telephone.
I don't want people ringing here
any hour of the day or night
just when they feel like it.
It's not a toy, you know. Don't snatch!
Pig!
Hello. He shouldn't be allowed
to have a phone.
No, he shouldn't be allowed
to talk on one. I'll go upstairs.
Not with that phone, you don't.
Mind out of my way.
Not with that phone, you don't!
Are you going to stop me going upstairs?
I am not stopping you going anywhere.
You can get on your bloody broomstick
and buzz off to Timbuktu for all I care.
But the telephone stays down here!
I'm taking you upstairs, Gladys.
-Oh, no, you won't.
-Oh, yes, I will.
Oh, no, you won't, I say!
Oh, yes, I will, I say!
Oh, no, you won't!
Oh, yes, I will!
Oh, yes, she did!
You!
(IMITATES PHONE RINGING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Where is it? Where is it?
Are you sure you ain't had it?
And how would I have it?
I've just come in.
Is it down the side of the chair?
What'd it be doing down the side
of the chair? I've already looked.
Should be on the wall, in its thing,
where it's supposed to be.
Well, who had it last?
Blimey, why can't people put things back
where they found them, eh?
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Where is it? A place for everything
and everything in its place.
It's not hard.
Use it! Put it back!
-Oh, like you, you mean?
-I always put things back!
Well, if you always put things back,
why are we searching for it?
I ain't had it, have I?
Well, there is only you and her.
Has she got it upstairs, has she?
What, and let it ring?
why isn't she down here now?
She's only got to hear that thing start,
she's down here like a shot.
Like an elephant after a banana.
She sits on these bleeding stairs
waiting for it to ring!
She's out!
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
It's not up there.
How would you know? She always
locks her door when she goes out.
I've got a key, ain't I?
Well, you know,
just in case of emergency.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Who's that?
-What?
-Your telephone is ringing.
I know my telephone is ringing!
Christ almighty, I'm not deaf!
Where the bloody hell is she?
Well, why don't you try the pub?
You'll be going over there anyway.
Shut up! Shut up!
We can hear you!
We can't find your other piece!
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
The phone's ringing!
The bloody phone's ringing!
Oh, is it? I can't hear it.
Well, of course you can't hear it
over here, you silly, great lump!
Gawd strewth.
Hello? Hello?
Mrs Hollingbery speaking.
You can't use it over here.
You're daft as a brush, you are!
You can't use it here,
you're out of range!
Give it us here!
What's the matter with your eye?
That thing, that's what's the matter.
Your bloody phone.
Eh?
Mr Garnett.
(MUMBLING)
Who's that?
My Fred. Mr Garnett, Fred says...
Oh, I hope you don't mind
me saying this.
He says, "You're a bloody pest,
that's what you are."
He says, "Why don't you move?" he says.
What? Oh, just a minute.
(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)
"Why don't you..."
I can't read his writing.
"P-1" Is that an "S"?
(MUMBLING IN ANGER)
Oh, you mustn't be too hard
on Mr Garnett.
I'm sure he didn't mean it.
He didn't intend it.
Intend what?
Mr Garnett got Fred
out of the bath the other day.
Well, more than once, actually.
Fred gets himself into such paddies.
I've told him before. "You'll do
yourself an injury one day," I says.
And he has.
He gets himself into such a rage.
He used to bang his head against
the stairs. But he's over that now.
He just kicks them.
But getting out of the bath, see,
he had no shoes on.
I found him lying in a dead faint
with his foot through the stairs.
The doctor says he's broke
two toes and his ankle.
(MUMBLES IN ANGER)
Yeah. Well, I think it's more.
Well, it looks like more.
(STAMMERS) What's the matter with his...
All round.
That's another habit he's started.
Punching himself in the jaw.
Oh! He's doing it again.
He's doing it again.
Oh, you'll give yourself
such a headache.
Oi, Fred.
It's a pity you wasn't out
when I rung, innit?
And all these calls to Manchester.
That's her sister.
They talk for hours, they do.
I don't phone my sister. She phones me.
And reverses the charges.
And six calls to Jamaica.
I paid for those calls.
I gave you the money
to put in your telephone box.
What, this one?
That's the one.
Hmm. It's empty.
Yeah, well, I mean...
Bloke come around from the
Save the Children Fund and...
And then I didn't have the heart to...
I did! I did!
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
MRS HOLLINGBERY:
I preferred the other one.
ALF: You abused it.
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #