I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Quiz Show - full transcript

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( lighthearted music plays)

( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)

( theme song ending)

Good morning, Lucy.

Fortunately, I'm not
the sensitive type.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ethel.

I'm so terribly busy.

You know what day
this is, don't you?

What day is it?

This is the day Ricky goes
over my household accounts.

Well, so long.



Oh, now, Ethel, don't go.

I need your moral support.

I don't think I'll ever
get it figured out.

I know I'm a fool to ask this,

but what are you doing?

This is my system
for paying bills.

See, I throw them
all up in the air,

and those that land
face up are the winners.

By the winners, you
mean the ones you pay?

Uh-huh.

Well, what happens if
they all land face up?

Well, then I just switch.

I only pay the ones
that land facedown.

That figures.



Oh, what's the use?

I can't afford to pay
any bills this month.

RICKY: Honey!

Yes, dear.

Are your books
ready for me to see?

Yes.

Let me know how you come out.

All right.

Okay, let's see what shape
your accounts are in this month.

I'm afraid...

Well, honey, if you're
too busy this morning...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I wouldn't miss this

for all the money in the world.

And that's probably
what it'll cost me.

Hmm...

Hmm...

Is it interesting?

Very.

50 cents for the newsboy.

39 cents for toothpaste.

15 cents for nail polish.

$245 for miscellaneous.

Miscellaneous?

Yeah, miscellaneous.

Would you mind telling me

what comes under miscellaneous?

Oh, you know, rent, groceries,
telephone, electric, gas...

Stuff like that.

Oh, that kind of miscellaneous.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm glad to see
you paid this month's bills.

Well, they're not
exactly this month's bills.

Oh? They're last month's?

No, they're not
last month's either.

You don't mean they're
the month before last?

No, but you're getting warmer.

What month's bills
are you paying now?

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun
it is to ride... ♪

Wait, wait, wait.

Morbid curiosity makes
me want to see more.

The lights have not been paid.

The water hasn't been paid.

The phone hasn't been paid.

Why they haven't been
turned off, I don't know.

Well, I've been going
around stalling our creditors.

Huh?

I jollied them out of it.

Oh, you did.

Yeah, except that this month,

I'm afraid they're going to
want more money and less jolly.

Lucy, this is
absolutely fantastic.

It's just unbelievable.

I would like a lowgical
'splanation of it.

Well, I'd like a "lowgical
'splanation" of it, too.

I make good money.

I bring it home and
it, it, it disappears.

Now, what have you
been doing with it?

I sank it all in a
phony gold mine.

( forced laughter)

( sarcastically imitates laugh)

That's very funny.

I thought you'd like it.

Yeah. Well, I got something
very funny to tell you, too.

Oh, you have? Yes, I have.

You know, you've
used up your allowance

until next February.

And you're not going to get

any more money until then.

But, Ricky...

And not only that, but you can't
have any more charge accounts.

I will handle all the money

and pay all the bills.

Now, isn't that funny?

But, Ricky, you
can't do that to me.

Well, now, honey, I know that this
seems very harsh to you right now,

but we got to get
our finances in order

and teach you a lesson

and this is the only way.

But, Ricky, you're so smart.

Can't you think of another way?

No!

( wailing)

Look, if you can
get the bills paid

we'll go back to
the old arrangement.

Until then, it's
got to be this way.

Now, come on, come on.

Give me a kiss.

Hmm, salty but nice.

See you later.

How'd it go?

Oh, just awful.

He did something
he's never done before.

What?

He cut off my charge-a-plate.

No!

Yes, and it hurt, too.

Aw, you poor little thing.

Hey, I'm on my way to a
radio show and I got two tickets.

Why don't you come go with me?

It'll take your mind
off your troubles.

No.

Oh, come on, it's the
Freddie Filmore Show.

You know, the one called
Females Are Fabulous.

I just came from a show
called "Husbands Are Horrible."

Come on, put your coat on.

No, if there's one thing I
don't feel like doing today,

it's going to a radio show.

But you might win a prize.

Well, you go ahead, Ethel.

The first prize is
a thousand dollars.

Well, what would I do
with a thousand dol...

A thousand dollars?!

Uh-huh. Well, come on,
what are we waiting for?

Well!

Females are Fabulous.

( applause)

Welcome to another session

of Females Are Fabulous,

our very outstanding
program based on the theory

that any woman is willing

to make an idiot out of herself

in order to win a prize.

( applause)

Now, our first contestant
today, a lovely little lady

who's going to try for our
thousand dollar jackpot,

Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

Come on out here, Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, we're going
to have a lot of fun

aren't we, Mrs. Ricardo?

Yeah.

Tell me, how would you like to
go to the beach this afternoon?

Oh, I'd like that.
You'd like that.

Well, of course, we
can't go to the beach

so we're going to do
the next best thing:

we're going to bring
the beach to you.

Bring the beach
in here, fellows.

Come on, get it right in here.

That's it, set it
right down there.

Oh, isn't that a
beautiful beach?

Come on, right onto the beach.

That's it, Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, look at that sand.

Isn't that beautiful?

Hey, why don't you
take off your shoes

so you can wiggle
your toes in the sand?

Don't you always do that
when you're down at the beach?

Yes. So do I. It's
a lot of fun, isn't it?

Get it on her,
boys, get it on her.

That's it.

Oh, say, isn't that beautiful?

I tell you, that really
does something for you.

Long bathing suit.

( chuckles): Yes, sir.

Oh, and then, too,

we've got a beach umbrella here.

You know, we wouldn't
want you to get sunburned.

The sun's awfully bright
down here at the beach

and we do want you to feel...

Oh, that's real
fetching, that is. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, that really
does something for you.

You all ready for
our little game now?

Well, I'll tell you what
we want you to do.

You know the song "My
Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"?

Uh, yeah.

You do? Lovely
little song, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, what we want you
to do is sing that song,

and every time you
mention something

that has to do with water,

we're going to do our
best to make you feel

that you're right
down at the beach.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Okay, you go ahead.

♪ My... My bonnie
lies over the ocean... ♪

♪ My bonnie lies
over the sea... ♪

♪ My bonnie lies
over the ocean... ♪

♪ Oh, bring back
my bonnie to me. ♪

Oh, no, now that time,
you see, I didn't squirt you

because the last line had
nothing to do with water.

Now, do you get the
idea of our little game?

Yes, I see.

Sea!

Listen, I've got a notion...

An ocean!

Oh, that was
wonderful, Mrs. Ricardo.

Yes, sir.

How about giving
her a big hand, folks?

Oh, naughty, naughty,
naughty, Mrs. Ricardo.

Well, where's my
thousand dollars?

Oh, no, no, you don't get
the thousand dollars for this.

This was just a little test

to see if you qualify
for the thousand dollars.

And she does qualify,
doesn't she, audience?

Yes, sir.

Now, in just a minute,
I'm going to tell you

the simple little
thing you have to do

in order to actually win
the thousand dollars.

But first we want to present
a check for a thousand dollars

to the winner of last week's
jackpot, Mrs. Peterson.

Come right on in
here, Mrs. Peterson.

Well, now, Mrs. Peterson,

it wasn't so tough
going over Niagara Falls

in a barrel, was it?

Well, here's your check.

She seems to be
a little shaken up.

Yeah, well, I'll be seeing you.

Oh, no, no, Mrs. Ricardo,
now you stay right here.

This next little
stunt is very simple.

It is? Oh, yes, yes.

I take it you're married?

Yes.

Never been married before?

No.

You've never been
married before.

Well, now, I'll tell you
what's going to happen.

We're going to send a
man out to your house,

and you introduce
him to your husband.

Where's the catch?

Catch?

The gimmick.

Oh, I did forget one
simple little thing, yes sirree.

You're to introduce this
man to your husband

as your long-lost first husband.

My long-lost first what?

You don't seem
to get the picture.

Now, look, you're sitting
at home at 8:00 tonight,

this man comes and
knocks on the door.

You open the door, you greet
him with tears in your eyes,

you pull him into the room,

and you introduce him
to your present husband

as your first husband

whom you thought
had disappeared.

But what will my husband say?

( chortles gleefully)

That's what we want to know,

isn't it, audience?

( applause)

Yes, sir, now, Mrs. Ricardo

if you can keep up
this little masquerade

until midnight tonight,

our man is going to
give you this $1,000.

$1,000? How about it?

How about letting me go over
Niagara Falls in a paper bag?

Ah, no.

Now, you have
exactly three seconds

to make up your mind.

One... two... three!

I'll do it!

I knew you would

because I always say
"Females Are Fabulous"!

Give her a big
hand, folks! Come on!

Well, that takes care of
everything on today's program

except Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

Here's her address.

Now, let me get this straight.

I show up there at 8:00 tonight,

And she'll introduce
me as her first husband.

That's right.

Now, here's the
thousand dollars.

She keeps up the
pretense until midnight,

you give her the money. Got it.

Good luck.

I'll need it.

What a way to make a living.

( sputtering)

( banging)

I'll get it.

Get what?

Somebody knocked.

I was trying to make
the lighter work.

Oh.

Why, are you expecting someone?

Who, me?

Who would I be expecting

at this time of night?

( laughs forcedly)

Lucy, you seem
awfully nervous tonight.

Me, nervous?

Why, I was never
calmer in my life.

Thank you.

Are you sure there's
nothing wrong?

No, of course not, dear.

( phone rings)

I'll get it.

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, you
have the wrong number.

Lucy, I never seen
you act so jittery.

Are you sure
everything's all right?

Of course, dear.

Well, why don't
you do something?

Yeah, I'll do something.

You haven't finished those...

You haven't finished
those socks for me yet.

Oh.

Why don't you knit for a while?

Yeah, that's what
I wanted to do.

Yes?

Madam, can you spare
a bit of sustenance

for a deserving human who
has met with a terrible accident?

No!

Any odd jobs for an
honest, able-bodied man?

No, and we don't allow
bums in this building.

Bums!

I think it only fair to
warn you, Madame,

that you are laying
yourself open for a libel suit.

You get out of here, you good-for-nothing
tramp, or I'll call the police.

Aha! I thought you'd
change your tune.

Change my tune...

Well, it'll do you no good.

I'm leaving.

Not up there.

The street's that way.

What deplorable manners.

Lucy.

What?!

I just want to know

how you're coming
along with my socks.

Oh, just fine, dear.

I'm almost finished, see?

I guess I got carried away.

( doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

Ah, good evening.

I wonder...

Darling, after all these years,

you've come back.

I have?

Yes, it's so good to see you.

Well, it's, uh, good
to see you, too.

I, um...

I beg your pardon.

Oh, no, don't go.

I want you to meet Ricky.

Ricky, I don't know
exactly how to say this,

but I want you to
meet my first husband.

How do you...

Your first what?

Husband.

Husband? What kind of...

Now, Ricky, Ricky,
don't get excited.

Let's all sit down

and talk about this calmly.

Yes, let's all sit down.

Sit down, Ricky.

I don't feel like sitting down.

Now, listen, you,

what kind of a gag is this?

Well, it's really nothing, dear.

Nothing?

Well, it's just that
a long time ago...

Before I met you...
I was friends with...

You were not friends.
You were married.

Yeah, just a little bit.

A little bit?

Well, all right, I
was married to...

Harold. Sam.

Sam. Harold.

All right, all right,
so you were married

to Harold, Sam, Julius
or whichever his name is.

Julius!?

You stay out of this.

How long were you married?

Well, it was just
a matter of weeks.

Really, it's not worth
talking about, Ricky.

Not worth talking about?

Ha!

Well, we were married
for a very short time

and then Harold
had to join the service

and then I learned he
was missing in action.

Aw... oh, oh!

It was for the battle
of the Argonne Woods.

The Kaiser's troops
were all about us,

and Blackjack Sherman Pershing
put his hand on my shoulder

and said to me, "Sam"...

He always called
me by my nickname...

"Sam," he said,
"gather about you..."

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Look, the battle of
the Argonne Woods

was in the first world war.

Yes...

That was 33 years ago.

Ewww...

How old were you
when you got married?

I-I was very young.

Yeah. As a matter of
fact, how old are you now?

65.

What do you think, I'm
a dope or something?

You couldn't possibly be 65.

I couldn't?

Of course not, look at you.

55 yes, but not 65.

Don't you care what
he says, dollface

you still look good to me.

A tu te calla la boca

y no le digas a mi
senora "dollface".

LUCY: Ricky, Ricky,
now don't get excited!

I was married to Harold,
and that's all there is to it.

Well, that's true... I
know it must come

as a horrible and
surprising disclosure...

but the children are entitled

to their true father.

The children?

Yes, my little darlings.

Where are they?

Don't you have them?

You've misplaced them again.

You always were forgetful,

weren't you, uh, uh...?

What's her name?

Well, I always called her Red.

Now, Ricky.

You stay out of this.

What's her name?

Ricky.

Lucy, I told you...

Ah...

the forgetful little Lucy.

How well I remember the first
time I heard that lilting name.

It seems like yesterday.

In fact, it seems like today.

Now, look, am I going
crazy or something?

Neither one of you
is telling the truth.

Now, why would
you want me to think

that she's married to
you in the first place?

Well, uh...

Lucy, I want the truth.

The truth?

Yes. Were you or were
you not married to... him?

Yes.

Well, that does it, I'm packing.

Packing?

Of course. If we
are not married,

you can't expect
me to stay here.

Besides, you want to be
alone with, uh, your husband.

But, Ricky...

ETHEL: Psst!

Did that man from
the program get here?

Yeah, he's here.

I don't want to take
up any of your time.

I just wanted to find
how you were making out.

Okay. Can I take a peek at him?

Yeah, go ahead.

( gasps)

What's that bum doing in there?

What bum?

That tramp... he
was down at my door

not ten minutes ago
asking for a handout.

He's not the man
from the program.

Oh!

Take your hand
out of that drawer.

The honeymoon is over.

What do you mean
going on up those stairs

when I told you the
street was the other way?

Good-bye, Lucy.

Good-bye, Ricky.

Wait a minute, come back here.

Now, now, now, I resent
this intrusion upon my person.

Those are my life's savings
you're taking from me.

On your way.

There is no need
seeing me to the door.

Mother told me to
expect days like this.

Get out!

The nerve of some bums.

Now, Mrs. Ricardo,
if you don't mind,

I think that I am entitled

to a little bit of
an explanation

of what is going on here!

Oh!

Uh... Oh, Ethel,
would you excuse us?

I have a little
explaining to do to Ricky.

You sure have, dear. Good night.

Now, now, Ricky, sit down, dear.

Sit down.

Wait till you hear.

It's so funny and
it's so simple.

Well, what is it?

Well, you know this morning

when we had that
discussion about money.

Well, Ethel and I...

( doorbell rings)

Oh, I'll get it.

No, no... I'll get it.

Is this the Ricardo residence?

Yes.

Darling, don't you recognize me?

It's Arnold.

Well?

Ricky, I want you to meet
my second first husband.

Now, Ricky, listen to me.

Please listen to me.

That's what they asked me
to do at the radio program

in order to win that
thousand dollars,

and I came home
and I tried to do it,

and I don't know
who that first man was,

but I was never married to him

and this is the man
from the program

and he's my real first husband,

but I was never
married to him either

and that's the
truth, so help me.

Now, if you don't believe
me, you can leave.

That is the most
ridiculous story

I've ever heard
in my whole life.

But it's true, Mr. Ricardo,

and your wife didn't start
explaining until after midnight,

so she wins the
thousand dollars.

Congratulations, Mrs. Ricardo,

and thanks for a
very pleasant evening.

Thank you.

Good night.

Good night.

You give me that, Ricky Ricardo.

That belongs to me. Let's see.

Rent, $250...

groceries, $100...

charge account, $575...

utilities, $74.50.

Well, you got some
change coming.

Well, I should hope so.

There you are.

Ricky!

( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)

The part of Harold was
played by Mr. John Emery.

The part of Freddy Fillmore
was played by Mr. Frank Nelson.