I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 4, Episode 2 - Jeannie and the Wild Pipchicks - full transcript
Magical candy is taken to NASA and it brings out the inner desires of anyone who eats it.
[♪]
Thank you. All right,
when I count three,
you let it down...
Uh, take it out.
Yes, master.
One, two...
Three.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh. I will get it.
No, no, no.
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Talk about air mail.
I think it's for you.
Oh!
It is from my mother.
I think I know what it is.
Uh, Jeannie.
Uh, Jeannie, do me a favor.
Would you ask your mother
to go through the normal
channels when she mails things?
I really don't think
my neighbors could understand
us getting parcels on...
On magic carpets.
Yes, master.
Ooh! I was right. Pipchicks.
Yeah?
Pipchicks.
My favorite candy.
[MOANS]
And no one can make them
like my mother does.
Mmm.
Try one, master.
No, thanks. If your mother made
them, I'd really rather not...
Oh, please, master.
Here, try one.
You'll adore them.
Mmph...
Well?
Well, good.
It's great.
What'd she put in 'em?
I do not know.
It is my mother's secret recipe.
She will not tell anyone.
You thank her
the next time you see her.
They're really sensational.
I will, master.
I am delighted you like them.
Well, there we are.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Is that all you're having
for lunch?
Yeah, I'm not terribly hungry.
Oh, what's the matter,
aren't you feeling well?
Ha, I never felt better
in my life.
I'm just making a note to send
Jeannie's mother
a little something.
I thought you two
hated each other.
How could you hate anybody
that makes these?
Look.
What are those?
Pipchicks.
Oh.
Uh, Roge, I'd rather
you didn't eat any.
They have kind of a strange
temporary side effect.
[CUTLERY SCRAPES
THEN CLATTERS]
[CUTLERY SCRAPES
THEN CLATTERS]
Then why are you eating it?
It's got a fantastic taste.
They're really sensational.
Hello, ah, Major Nelson,
Major Healey.
Mind if I join you?
Of course not, sir.
You know, uh,
about that inside report
that we had the other day.
I think we'll have to do
some more research. You see,
four pages would do it, if...
Mmmmm.
Delicious.
Simply delicious.
I've never tasted anything
quite like it.
Did you eat one of those, sir?
Yes.
Well, where can you buy them?
Uh, well, you... You can't, sir.
They're...
They're homemade.
Who made them?
Jeannie's mother.
[THUD, CLATTERING]
Oh. Sorry, Roge.
Um, I did, sir. I just kind
of whipped 'em up
in the kitchen.
Remarkable.
Well, then, uh, you won't mind
if I take this other piece.
That one's my last one, sir. I...
Oh, come, come, come, major.
You can always whip up
another batch.
Oh, uh, have some more coffee...
Extraordinary.
Absolutely extraordinary.
Extraordinary.
You know, this has
got to weigh 300 pounds.
Oh.
I feel absolutely marvelous.
Major, I don't know
what's in this,
but whatever it is,
I'm going to take it to the lab
to have it analyzed.
300 pounds. Extraordinary.
They're not making cafeterias
like they used to.
You're right, Roge. There's
nothing wrong with making candy.
I don't have anything
to worry about. Nothing...
Major Nelson,
do you know what you've done?
If it's what you found
in the pipchicks,
sir, I can explain about it.
I don't...
The Dietician Section
has finished
the analysis of your candy.
Colonel Finch is on the way
over now with the results.
Well, I'd better
be running along.
I can explain that. I know
exactly...
Don't any of you come
to attention
when a superior officer
enters the room?
I'm sorry, colonel.
I didn't, uh, see you.
And are you nearsighted too,
Dr. Bellows?
I beg your pardon?
Dr. Bellows.
I believe I became
a full colonel
four days before you,
so I outrank you.
Attention.
That's the trouble with you men.
You can't get used to women
in positions of authority.
All right, at ease.
Nelson.
Ma'am.
Come here.
Pick me up.
I didn't catch that, ma'am.
I said, pick me up.
Pick you up?
[WHEEZING]
Sorry, ma'am.
Mm.
When was the last time
you had a piece of your candy?
This morning, colonel.
That explains it.
The initial effects
wear off immediately.
It certainly does.
Ha-ha-ha!
Healey.
Yes, sir.
Come here.
Yes, sir.
Yes, colonel.
What...?
What is here, Colonel?
Put your hands over your head.
Yes, sir.
Now watch this.
Whoa.
BELLOWS:
Extraordinary.
[♪]
See, very simple.
There's nothing to it.
Well, I... I better be getting
back to my office. Excuse me.
Absolutely extraordinary.
I took a bite of the candy
just before I came in here.
Nelson, do you realize
what you've done?
I've created a monster.
You have single-handedly solved
the space capsule food problem.
You mean that
Major Nelson's homemade candy
could be used in space flights?
Oh, well, I don't think
it'd work, sir.
What I mean is,
it was an accident.
What is the recipe?
Oh, well, there's no recipe.
No, well, you know how
us old-fashioned cooks work.
A pinch of this,
a handful of that.
Do you mean
it's not written down?
No, sir. Well, that's what
I'm trying to tell you.
I... I'd never be able
to do it again.
That's where you're wrong,
Nelson.
You're going to do it again,
and you're going
to write it down.
Do you read me?
Yes, ma'am.
Doctor, I want this man
transferred
to the Dietician Section
immediately.
And he'll remain there
until these... These, um...
Eh, what do you call them,
major?
Pipchicks.
Until these pipchicks
have been duplicated exactly.
Well, ma'am, I can't do that.
I'm preparing for a mission.
Nelson.
This is much more important.
Why, this has worldwide
implications.
You don't seem to realize
what a breakthrough this is.
The Army may march
on its stomach, major,
but from now on,
the Air Force
will fly with pipchicks.
[♪]
But, Mama,
I must have the recipe.
It's for him, isn't it?
My poor baby.
My poor darling Jeannie,
always in trouble.
Always in trouble.
That bum.
Spending his time up in space.
What kind of a living is that
for a grown man?
Mama.
Aha-ha!
I knew it. I knew it.
Oh, my poor darling.
[SIGHS]
If you could just give me
the recipe?
Eh. Who uses a recipe?
A pinch of this,
a handful of that. I...
All right.
All right.
It is for him, isn't it?
Yes, Mama,
and he needs it desperately.
Hmmm.
And I'm going to give it to him.
[♪]
That's the recipe?
Yes, sir. Yeah. I...
It's very complicated, sir.
And there's no guarantee
that the pipchicks will come out
the same way.
It doesn't matter, major.
NASA has given this project
the highest priority.
The resources of the entire base
are at your disposal.
"Three heskils of dates"?
So, what's a heskil, major?
Four truckloads.
Four truckloads?
Why, major, are you planning
to make enough pipchicks
to feed the entire population
of India?
Oh, no, sir.
You see, this recipe
only makes about two dozen.
Sir, I...
I'd appreciate it
if you had a little talk
to Colonel Finch
about having me relieved
from this assignment.
I'm sorry, major.
You know how important
the space capsule
food program is.
Yeah.
"Three hipsibahs of oranges"?
Half an acre.
Half an acre?
Why, that's impossible, major.
Well, I know that, sir.
That's why I'd like you
to talk with Colonel Finch.
Well, I certainly will.
I never heard of anything so
ridiculous in my life.
A half an acre.
I'll have you relieved
immediately.
Were you looking for me, doctor?
Yes.
As a matter of fact,
I was, colonel.
Major Nelson was just showing me
the recipe
for the pipchicks.
A half an acre of oranges,
and I...
And?
And he'll report
to the kitchen immediately.
Good.
[♪]
Thanks for getting me assigned
as your assistant.
There's nothing I'd rather
do more than pit dates.
Well, men?
Roger...
How are we doing?
Well, I've never had so many
dates in my life. Ha-ha-ha!
Well, ahem,
that's the last one we needed.
What do we do with these now?
Throw 'em away.
We use the pits.
We can use the pits?
[GRUNTS]
[PANTING] I can't keep
this up much longer.
My back is breaking.
Oh, don't worry. I'll relieve
you in another five minutes.
[LAUGHING] Oh.
Good evening, master.
How is the...?
The little old candy maker?
Oh, just great.
Your mother can certainly
figure out
some wild recipes.
[LAUGHING] I tell you...
Oh, boy, I...
W-what's the matter?
Oh, it's my back.
It's breaking.
Oh, let me help you, master.
Oh.
What is that?
I don't know,
it's not in the recipe.
BELLOWS: Thank you.
Jeannie, get out.
Oh, yes, master, I am going.
You forgot the burro.
Jeannie?
A burro. What's that burro
doing in here?
Well, sir, the recipe called for
a burro to, uh, stir this mess,
so naturally, I got a burro.
This laboratory
is supposed to be
completely sterile
and antiseptic.
Now you get this beast
outta here.
I can't get him outta here, sir.
What seems to be
the problem, major?
Oh, a donkey.
Oh, I... I-I'm sorry
about this, colonel,
but, um, uh,
Major Nelson insists
that the pipchick mixture
be stirred by this burro.
I just insisted
that they get rid of it.
Negative.
If Nelson says it's to be
stirred by a burro,
it's to be stirred by a burro.
Look, I, uh, oh, uh, eh, yes.
Uh...
Ooh.
I'd prefer we test it
on something else. May...
[PHONE RINGS] Oh, excuse me.
Yes?
Oh, hello, Amanda.
What?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Uh...
The cat fell in the what?
Please, eh, sir, I'd rather
we test it on a dog, or...
Well, I don't care what kind
of detergent you're using.
No, no, no.
Cats don't shrink.
They only look shrunk
when they're wet.
Sir, couldn't we test it
on something...?
Major, will you stop this?
This is embarrassing and personal.
I know, but I...
I'll eat the pipchicks
when I'm ready,
in my own good time.
Now would you mind leaving,
please?
Yes, of course.
What?
No.
[CHUCKLING] No, no, no.
Colonel Finch?
Ah, colonel, I've just delivered
the pipchicks to Dr. Bellows.
Colonel?
FINCH:
Tony.
You can call me Abigail.
[♪]
Are...? A-are you...?
Are you feeling all right?
Never felt better.
♪ Boo-boo-pee-doo ♪
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
You... You... You ate one
of the pipchicks, right?
Nectar and ambrosia.
Oh.
Let's you and I
tango the night away, baby.
Oh, I think maybe
you ought to lie down.
Don't wanna lie down.
Wanna dance,
wanna sing, wanna live.
Colonel, remember,
you're a colonel.
Look, why don't you lie down,
and I'll go get.
Dr. Bellows, huh?
Can't catch me.
I'm a butterfly.
Now...
Now wait a minute, please.
Would you just
control yourself, please?
Kiss me, major.
That's a butterfly
giving you an order.
[STAMMERING]
Kiss me.
Tony.
Look, about this candy report
I did...
Oh, excuse me.
I didn't mean to butt in.
Roger, will you come back here?
It's Colonel Finch.
Col... Tony, you shouldn't be
doing that.
She outranks you.
Oh, so nice.
I'm sorry. Please.
Give me those lips.
Please, take it easy.
My back.
Give me those lips. Kiss me.
Yeah.
Tony.
She also outweighs me.
Would you give me a hand?
Miss...?
Thank you, ma'am.
That's right.
That's right, men.
Dominate me!
I've always wanted
to be dominated!
Oh, what happened to her?
She... What happened to her?
She ate one of pipchicks, that's
what happened to her.
She had some kind
of a wild reaction.
Now you hang onto her.
I'll get Dr. Bellows.
Excuse me, ma...
Dr. Bellows.
I gave Dr. Bellows
a pipchick.
I gave Dr. Bellows
a pipchick!
No!
Major.
Oh.
Major, I never realized
what beautiful blue
butterfly eyes you have.
Major. Major. Major.
Please. We're both officers.
Oh. Hi.
BELLOWS:
♪ Way, hey ♪
♪ Blow the man down ♪
Ahoy, there.
Come aboard, major.
Ha-ha-ha.
Come outta the water.
I beg your pardon?
The water.
Oh!
Did you eat the pipchicks, sir?
I certainly did.
Salt air
gives you a marvelous appetite.
Ready to come about.
Come aboard.
Look out for the boom, major.
The what, sir?
The boom!
Oh.
Oh, right, right.
Ah, sir, I... I really think
you ought to come with me.
Come with you? What for?
I'm finally doing something
I've always wanted to do.
Sailing a whaler to Alaska.
Mmm.
Looks like a sou'easter's
blowing up outta the nor'west.
Ah, you gotta watch out
for them sou'easters.
Perhaps we ought to go below
and put on
our foul-weather gear, sir.
Too late for that.
Lower the lifeboat.
[LAUGHING] The what?
The lifeboats, the lifeboats.
Oh.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ A-roving, a-roving ♪
♪ Since roving's been My ruin ♪
♪ I'll never go a-roving
With you, fair maid ♪
♪ A-roving, a-roving ♪
♪ Since roving's been My ruin ♪
♪ I'll never go a-roving
With you, fair maid ♪
Welcome aboard, commodore.
[WHISTLES]
Ahoy, there!
♪ When I was... ♪
[SINGING CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY]
Listen, I found out
what these pipchicks do to you.
They release your inhibitions.
They... They turn you on
to whatever you are
really deep down inside.
Look at... Look at Colonel Finch,
she wants to be a butterfly.
That's what she is.
She's a butterfly.
A-and Dr. Bellows.
He wants to be a sailor
hunting whales.
You understand?
You're sloppy, soldier.
The one thing I can't stand
is a sloppy soldier.
You should read
the Air Force manual more often.
35-M.
Roger, did you eat
one of those pipchicks?
Positive.
Proper diet is crucial
to an officer's efficiency.
Regulation 94R21.
Are there any more
of those things left?
You didn't eat all
of them, did you?
You didn't eat all
of these, did you?
Negative. Sent to General
Peterson's office for dispersal.
All superior officers
should be informed
on completions of new projects.
Regulation 94-21.
[METALLIC CLATTERING]
You sent 'em
to General Peterson?
You sent 'em
to General Peterson?!
Jeannie. Jeannie.
No, that's too slow.
Jeannie. Jeannie.
Jeannie. Argh!
I am here, master.
Are your pipchicks finished?
Are they finished?
I'm finished.
Look.
No dancing.
[BELLOWS SINGING]
The regulations book
says no dancing.
Oh, dear.
Yeah.
What went wrong?
I'll tell you what went wrong.
Your mother, that's what...
She did this deliberately.
W-would you please
blink them outta that?
Oh, of course,
master. Heh-heh.
[MAGIC BOINGS]
Well, go ahead.
[BELLOWS SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
Salute.
Always salute when rowing.
ROGER: Sir, you're out of uniform.
I said...
Oh, dear.
"Oh, dear"?
Listen. You go back
to your mother
and you ask her
what this is all about.
You find out what this is,
and you get an antidote.
I've gotta go
to General Peterson
before this whole base
goes berserk.
Yes, master.
Yeah.
And furthermore,
you tell your mother... Oh.
You mean, you ate
one of those things
and nothing happened?
Why, of course not, except I
never felt better in my life.
Why, you've done
a marvelous job, major.
Oh. Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Uh, what'd you do
with the rest of them?
I sent a dozen to Washington,
the president,
the vice president.
The joint chiefs of staff
would be most interested.
How did you send them, sir?
By the regular NASA mailbox.
What's the matter with you?
You look as if
you're about to collapse.
Sir, those pipchicks
have a very strange side effect.
People's inner personality
come to the surface.
Well, that ridiculous. They
haven't done anything to me.
I have Colonel Bellows,
Colonel Finch and Roger Healey
locked up
in the laboratory right now.
If the inner personalities of
the people in Washington
come to the surface...
Good heavens.
Get to the NASA mailbox, major.
I'll try to stop it from here.
Right, sir. I-I'm glad to see
they didn't have
any effect on you.
I'm all right.
Good, good.
Oh, hi.
Tony.
PETERSON:
Charge!
Indians.
Indians all over the place.
We gotta protect the fort.
That way, paleface.
Oh.
Charge! Get those Indians.
General, general.
Here, this way, sir.
Sitting Bull, I'm gonna get you
for what you did to Custer.
♪ A-roving, a-roving ♪
General, this way, sir.
Sitting Bull's
right in there, sir.
[SCREAMS]
[BUGLE CALL PLAYS]
Mailbox. Mailbox.
[WHIMPERING]
Oh!
Hello, master.
What has happened?
Oh, nothing much, Jeannie.
Let's see: Uh, Colonel Finch
is a butterfly,
Colonel Bellows
is out hunting Moby Dick,
General Peterson is trying
to revenge Custer,
and our swinger friend Roger
is Captain Bligh.
How's your mother?
Oh, she's just fine.
Thank you, master. Heh, heh.
Right, yeah.
But I am afraid
she gave you the wrong recipe.
No kidding, yeah. Listen,
there's a parcel of pipchicks
on its way to the Pentagon.
Pick it out of there.
Oh, that is easy, master.
No, not here, not here.
Well. Hi.
Jeannie? Jeannie.
Look, there's no time to play
games. Where are you, anyhow?
I am here, master.
In the mailbox.
[GROANS]
Look, find the package.
Get the package. The parcel.
Yes, master.
Oh!
No, no. Not... Not letters.
Not letters.
The package.
The parcel.
Yes, master.
I am looking. I am looking.
You will have to take
some of these, master.
I cannot see what I am doing.
[GRUNTS]
Oh.
Here it is, master.
Oh, it is all smashed.
Well, blink it out.
Oh, I could not do that, master.
After all, it is Mama's magic.
All right, well, then
hand 'em up one at a time.
Oh, master.
I told Mama you were
the most intelligent astronaut
of the whole group.
She did not believe me, but
I will convince her some day.
Jeannie, will you?
Oh, yes, master.
Right away, right away.
Look, uh, I haven't got all day.
Will you hurry it up, please?
Hi. How are you?
No... Yes,
as a matter of fact.
You know,
I've always admired you mailmen.
Through sleet and snow,
hail and rain,
the mail must meet
its appointed rounds.
And there...
Excuse me, I'm a little late.
Relax, take it easy.
You're in the service,
I'm in the service.
Maybe we chew the fat,
learn how each other operates.
Major, you're interfering
with U.S. mails.
[LAUGHS] Of course not.
I use the U.S. mails
all the time, watch.
I'll show you how easy it is.
JEANNIE:
Master.
There someone in there?
[LAUGHING] No, of course not.
You can't go around
mailing people.
Oh, sorry.
Jeannie, will you hurry it up?
Will...? Oh.
[♪]
[COUGHING] Major.
Are you all right,
major? Major?
[HOARSELY] I'm all right.
Thanks. Thanks.
What's going on here?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Let us out. Let us out.
Somebody unlock the door.
I still don't know
what I'm doing in here.
I don't even know how
we got here in the first place.
We... We must have been
attacked.
I can't think of any other
reason I'd be out of uniform.
Last thing I remember, Major
Nelson came into my office.
Of course.
Major Nelson.
He'd have an explanation, sir.
He always does.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Don't anybody panic.
Major Nelson.
Don't anybody panic.
Ladder Company Number 69
to the rescue.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[♪]
[♪]
Thank you. All right,
when I count three,
you let it down...
Uh, take it out.
Yes, master.
One, two...
Three.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh. I will get it.
No, no, no.
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Talk about air mail.
I think it's for you.
Oh!
It is from my mother.
I think I know what it is.
Uh, Jeannie.
Uh, Jeannie, do me a favor.
Would you ask your mother
to go through the normal
channels when she mails things?
I really don't think
my neighbors could understand
us getting parcels on...
On magic carpets.
Yes, master.
Ooh! I was right. Pipchicks.
Yeah?
Pipchicks.
My favorite candy.
[MOANS]
And no one can make them
like my mother does.
Mmm.
Try one, master.
No, thanks. If your mother made
them, I'd really rather not...
Oh, please, master.
Here, try one.
You'll adore them.
Mmph...
Well?
Well, good.
It's great.
What'd she put in 'em?
I do not know.
It is my mother's secret recipe.
She will not tell anyone.
You thank her
the next time you see her.
They're really sensational.
I will, master.
I am delighted you like them.
Well, there we are.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Is that all you're having
for lunch?
Yeah, I'm not terribly hungry.
Oh, what's the matter,
aren't you feeling well?
Ha, I never felt better
in my life.
I'm just making a note to send
Jeannie's mother
a little something.
I thought you two
hated each other.
How could you hate anybody
that makes these?
Look.
What are those?
Pipchicks.
Oh.
Uh, Roge, I'd rather
you didn't eat any.
They have kind of a strange
temporary side effect.
[CUTLERY SCRAPES
THEN CLATTERS]
[CUTLERY SCRAPES
THEN CLATTERS]
Then why are you eating it?
It's got a fantastic taste.
They're really sensational.
Hello, ah, Major Nelson,
Major Healey.
Mind if I join you?
Of course not, sir.
You know, uh,
about that inside report
that we had the other day.
I think we'll have to do
some more research. You see,
four pages would do it, if...
Mmmmm.
Delicious.
Simply delicious.
I've never tasted anything
quite like it.
Did you eat one of those, sir?
Yes.
Well, where can you buy them?
Uh, well, you... You can't, sir.
They're...
They're homemade.
Who made them?
Jeannie's mother.
[THUD, CLATTERING]
Oh. Sorry, Roge.
Um, I did, sir. I just kind
of whipped 'em up
in the kitchen.
Remarkable.
Well, then, uh, you won't mind
if I take this other piece.
That one's my last one, sir. I...
Oh, come, come, come, major.
You can always whip up
another batch.
Oh, uh, have some more coffee...
Extraordinary.
Absolutely extraordinary.
Extraordinary.
You know, this has
got to weigh 300 pounds.
Oh.
I feel absolutely marvelous.
Major, I don't know
what's in this,
but whatever it is,
I'm going to take it to the lab
to have it analyzed.
300 pounds. Extraordinary.
They're not making cafeterias
like they used to.
You're right, Roge. There's
nothing wrong with making candy.
I don't have anything
to worry about. Nothing...
Major Nelson,
do you know what you've done?
If it's what you found
in the pipchicks,
sir, I can explain about it.
I don't...
The Dietician Section
has finished
the analysis of your candy.
Colonel Finch is on the way
over now with the results.
Well, I'd better
be running along.
I can explain that. I know
exactly...
Don't any of you come
to attention
when a superior officer
enters the room?
I'm sorry, colonel.
I didn't, uh, see you.
And are you nearsighted too,
Dr. Bellows?
I beg your pardon?
Dr. Bellows.
I believe I became
a full colonel
four days before you,
so I outrank you.
Attention.
That's the trouble with you men.
You can't get used to women
in positions of authority.
All right, at ease.
Nelson.
Ma'am.
Come here.
Pick me up.
I didn't catch that, ma'am.
I said, pick me up.
Pick you up?
[WHEEZING]
Sorry, ma'am.
Mm.
When was the last time
you had a piece of your candy?
This morning, colonel.
That explains it.
The initial effects
wear off immediately.
It certainly does.
Ha-ha-ha!
Healey.
Yes, sir.
Come here.
Yes, sir.
Yes, colonel.
What...?
What is here, Colonel?
Put your hands over your head.
Yes, sir.
Now watch this.
Whoa.
BELLOWS:
Extraordinary.
[♪]
See, very simple.
There's nothing to it.
Well, I... I better be getting
back to my office. Excuse me.
Absolutely extraordinary.
I took a bite of the candy
just before I came in here.
Nelson, do you realize
what you've done?
I've created a monster.
You have single-handedly solved
the space capsule food problem.
You mean that
Major Nelson's homemade candy
could be used in space flights?
Oh, well, I don't think
it'd work, sir.
What I mean is,
it was an accident.
What is the recipe?
Oh, well, there's no recipe.
No, well, you know how
us old-fashioned cooks work.
A pinch of this,
a handful of that.
Do you mean
it's not written down?
No, sir. Well, that's what
I'm trying to tell you.
I... I'd never be able
to do it again.
That's where you're wrong,
Nelson.
You're going to do it again,
and you're going
to write it down.
Do you read me?
Yes, ma'am.
Doctor, I want this man
transferred
to the Dietician Section
immediately.
And he'll remain there
until these... These, um...
Eh, what do you call them,
major?
Pipchicks.
Until these pipchicks
have been duplicated exactly.
Well, ma'am, I can't do that.
I'm preparing for a mission.
Nelson.
This is much more important.
Why, this has worldwide
implications.
You don't seem to realize
what a breakthrough this is.
The Army may march
on its stomach, major,
but from now on,
the Air Force
will fly with pipchicks.
[♪]
But, Mama,
I must have the recipe.
It's for him, isn't it?
My poor baby.
My poor darling Jeannie,
always in trouble.
Always in trouble.
That bum.
Spending his time up in space.
What kind of a living is that
for a grown man?
Mama.
Aha-ha!
I knew it. I knew it.
Oh, my poor darling.
[SIGHS]
If you could just give me
the recipe?
Eh. Who uses a recipe?
A pinch of this,
a handful of that. I...
All right.
All right.
It is for him, isn't it?
Yes, Mama,
and he needs it desperately.
Hmmm.
And I'm going to give it to him.
[♪]
That's the recipe?
Yes, sir. Yeah. I...
It's very complicated, sir.
And there's no guarantee
that the pipchicks will come out
the same way.
It doesn't matter, major.
NASA has given this project
the highest priority.
The resources of the entire base
are at your disposal.
"Three heskils of dates"?
So, what's a heskil, major?
Four truckloads.
Four truckloads?
Why, major, are you planning
to make enough pipchicks
to feed the entire population
of India?
Oh, no, sir.
You see, this recipe
only makes about two dozen.
Sir, I...
I'd appreciate it
if you had a little talk
to Colonel Finch
about having me relieved
from this assignment.
I'm sorry, major.
You know how important
the space capsule
food program is.
Yeah.
"Three hipsibahs of oranges"?
Half an acre.
Half an acre?
Why, that's impossible, major.
Well, I know that, sir.
That's why I'd like you
to talk with Colonel Finch.
Well, I certainly will.
I never heard of anything so
ridiculous in my life.
A half an acre.
I'll have you relieved
immediately.
Were you looking for me, doctor?
Yes.
As a matter of fact,
I was, colonel.
Major Nelson was just showing me
the recipe
for the pipchicks.
A half an acre of oranges,
and I...
And?
And he'll report
to the kitchen immediately.
Good.
[♪]
Thanks for getting me assigned
as your assistant.
There's nothing I'd rather
do more than pit dates.
Well, men?
Roger...
How are we doing?
Well, I've never had so many
dates in my life. Ha-ha-ha!
Well, ahem,
that's the last one we needed.
What do we do with these now?
Throw 'em away.
We use the pits.
We can use the pits?
[GRUNTS]
[PANTING] I can't keep
this up much longer.
My back is breaking.
Oh, don't worry. I'll relieve
you in another five minutes.
[LAUGHING] Oh.
Good evening, master.
How is the...?
The little old candy maker?
Oh, just great.
Your mother can certainly
figure out
some wild recipes.
[LAUGHING] I tell you...
Oh, boy, I...
W-what's the matter?
Oh, it's my back.
It's breaking.
Oh, let me help you, master.
Oh.
What is that?
I don't know,
it's not in the recipe.
BELLOWS: Thank you.
Jeannie, get out.
Oh, yes, master, I am going.
You forgot the burro.
Jeannie?
A burro. What's that burro
doing in here?
Well, sir, the recipe called for
a burro to, uh, stir this mess,
so naturally, I got a burro.
This laboratory
is supposed to be
completely sterile
and antiseptic.
Now you get this beast
outta here.
I can't get him outta here, sir.
What seems to be
the problem, major?
Oh, a donkey.
Oh, I... I-I'm sorry
about this, colonel,
but, um, uh,
Major Nelson insists
that the pipchick mixture
be stirred by this burro.
I just insisted
that they get rid of it.
Negative.
If Nelson says it's to be
stirred by a burro,
it's to be stirred by a burro.
Look, I, uh, oh, uh, eh, yes.
Uh...
Ooh.
I'd prefer we test it
on something else. May...
[PHONE RINGS] Oh, excuse me.
Yes?
Oh, hello, Amanda.
What?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Uh...
The cat fell in the what?
Please, eh, sir, I'd rather
we test it on a dog, or...
Well, I don't care what kind
of detergent you're using.
No, no, no.
Cats don't shrink.
They only look shrunk
when they're wet.
Sir, couldn't we test it
on something...?
Major, will you stop this?
This is embarrassing and personal.
I know, but I...
I'll eat the pipchicks
when I'm ready,
in my own good time.
Now would you mind leaving,
please?
Yes, of course.
What?
No.
[CHUCKLING] No, no, no.
Colonel Finch?
Ah, colonel, I've just delivered
the pipchicks to Dr. Bellows.
Colonel?
FINCH:
Tony.
You can call me Abigail.
[♪]
Are...? A-are you...?
Are you feeling all right?
Never felt better.
♪ Boo-boo-pee-doo ♪
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
You... You... You ate one
of the pipchicks, right?
Nectar and ambrosia.
Oh.
Let's you and I
tango the night away, baby.
Oh, I think maybe
you ought to lie down.
Don't wanna lie down.
Wanna dance,
wanna sing, wanna live.
Colonel, remember,
you're a colonel.
Look, why don't you lie down,
and I'll go get.
Dr. Bellows, huh?
Can't catch me.
I'm a butterfly.
Now...
Now wait a minute, please.
Would you just
control yourself, please?
Kiss me, major.
That's a butterfly
giving you an order.
[STAMMERING]
Kiss me.
Tony.
Look, about this candy report
I did...
Oh, excuse me.
I didn't mean to butt in.
Roger, will you come back here?
It's Colonel Finch.
Col... Tony, you shouldn't be
doing that.
She outranks you.
Oh, so nice.
I'm sorry. Please.
Give me those lips.
Please, take it easy.
My back.
Give me those lips. Kiss me.
Yeah.
Tony.
She also outweighs me.
Would you give me a hand?
Miss...?
Thank you, ma'am.
That's right.
That's right, men.
Dominate me!
I've always wanted
to be dominated!
Oh, what happened to her?
She... What happened to her?
She ate one of pipchicks, that's
what happened to her.
She had some kind
of a wild reaction.
Now you hang onto her.
I'll get Dr. Bellows.
Excuse me, ma...
Dr. Bellows.
I gave Dr. Bellows
a pipchick.
I gave Dr. Bellows
a pipchick!
No!
Major.
Oh.
Major, I never realized
what beautiful blue
butterfly eyes you have.
Major. Major. Major.
Please. We're both officers.
Oh. Hi.
BELLOWS:
♪ Way, hey ♪
♪ Blow the man down ♪
Ahoy, there.
Come aboard, major.
Ha-ha-ha.
Come outta the water.
I beg your pardon?
The water.
Oh!
Did you eat the pipchicks, sir?
I certainly did.
Salt air
gives you a marvelous appetite.
Ready to come about.
Come aboard.
Look out for the boom, major.
The what, sir?
The boom!
Oh.
Oh, right, right.
Ah, sir, I... I really think
you ought to come with me.
Come with you? What for?
I'm finally doing something
I've always wanted to do.
Sailing a whaler to Alaska.
Mmm.
Looks like a sou'easter's
blowing up outta the nor'west.
Ah, you gotta watch out
for them sou'easters.
Perhaps we ought to go below
and put on
our foul-weather gear, sir.
Too late for that.
Lower the lifeboat.
[LAUGHING] The what?
The lifeboats, the lifeboats.
Oh.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ A-roving, a-roving ♪
♪ Since roving's been My ruin ♪
♪ I'll never go a-roving
With you, fair maid ♪
♪ A-roving, a-roving ♪
♪ Since roving's been My ruin ♪
♪ I'll never go a-roving
With you, fair maid ♪
Welcome aboard, commodore.
[WHISTLES]
Ahoy, there!
♪ When I was... ♪
[SINGING CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY]
Listen, I found out
what these pipchicks do to you.
They release your inhibitions.
They... They turn you on
to whatever you are
really deep down inside.
Look at... Look at Colonel Finch,
she wants to be a butterfly.
That's what she is.
She's a butterfly.
A-and Dr. Bellows.
He wants to be a sailor
hunting whales.
You understand?
You're sloppy, soldier.
The one thing I can't stand
is a sloppy soldier.
You should read
the Air Force manual more often.
35-M.
Roger, did you eat
one of those pipchicks?
Positive.
Proper diet is crucial
to an officer's efficiency.
Regulation 94R21.
Are there any more
of those things left?
You didn't eat all
of them, did you?
You didn't eat all
of these, did you?
Negative. Sent to General
Peterson's office for dispersal.
All superior officers
should be informed
on completions of new projects.
Regulation 94-21.
[METALLIC CLATTERING]
You sent 'em
to General Peterson?
You sent 'em
to General Peterson?!
Jeannie. Jeannie.
No, that's too slow.
Jeannie. Jeannie.
Jeannie. Argh!
I am here, master.
Are your pipchicks finished?
Are they finished?
I'm finished.
Look.
No dancing.
[BELLOWS SINGING]
The regulations book
says no dancing.
Oh, dear.
Yeah.
What went wrong?
I'll tell you what went wrong.
Your mother, that's what...
She did this deliberately.
W-would you please
blink them outta that?
Oh, of course,
master. Heh-heh.
[MAGIC BOINGS]
Well, go ahead.
[BELLOWS SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
Salute.
Always salute when rowing.
ROGER: Sir, you're out of uniform.
I said...
Oh, dear.
"Oh, dear"?
Listen. You go back
to your mother
and you ask her
what this is all about.
You find out what this is,
and you get an antidote.
I've gotta go
to General Peterson
before this whole base
goes berserk.
Yes, master.
Yeah.
And furthermore,
you tell your mother... Oh.
You mean, you ate
one of those things
and nothing happened?
Why, of course not, except I
never felt better in my life.
Why, you've done
a marvelous job, major.
Oh. Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Uh, what'd you do
with the rest of them?
I sent a dozen to Washington,
the president,
the vice president.
The joint chiefs of staff
would be most interested.
How did you send them, sir?
By the regular NASA mailbox.
What's the matter with you?
You look as if
you're about to collapse.
Sir, those pipchicks
have a very strange side effect.
People's inner personality
come to the surface.
Well, that ridiculous. They
haven't done anything to me.
I have Colonel Bellows,
Colonel Finch and Roger Healey
locked up
in the laboratory right now.
If the inner personalities of
the people in Washington
come to the surface...
Good heavens.
Get to the NASA mailbox, major.
I'll try to stop it from here.
Right, sir. I-I'm glad to see
they didn't have
any effect on you.
I'm all right.
Good, good.
Oh, hi.
Tony.
PETERSON:
Charge!
Indians.
Indians all over the place.
We gotta protect the fort.
That way, paleface.
Oh.
Charge! Get those Indians.
General, general.
Here, this way, sir.
Sitting Bull, I'm gonna get you
for what you did to Custer.
♪ A-roving, a-roving ♪
General, this way, sir.
Sitting Bull's
right in there, sir.
[SCREAMS]
[BUGLE CALL PLAYS]
Mailbox. Mailbox.
[WHIMPERING]
Oh!
Hello, master.
What has happened?
Oh, nothing much, Jeannie.
Let's see: Uh, Colonel Finch
is a butterfly,
Colonel Bellows
is out hunting Moby Dick,
General Peterson is trying
to revenge Custer,
and our swinger friend Roger
is Captain Bligh.
How's your mother?
Oh, she's just fine.
Thank you, master. Heh, heh.
Right, yeah.
But I am afraid
she gave you the wrong recipe.
No kidding, yeah. Listen,
there's a parcel of pipchicks
on its way to the Pentagon.
Pick it out of there.
Oh, that is easy, master.
No, not here, not here.
Well. Hi.
Jeannie? Jeannie.
Look, there's no time to play
games. Where are you, anyhow?
I am here, master.
In the mailbox.
[GROANS]
Look, find the package.
Get the package. The parcel.
Yes, master.
Oh!
No, no. Not... Not letters.
Not letters.
The package.
The parcel.
Yes, master.
I am looking. I am looking.
You will have to take
some of these, master.
I cannot see what I am doing.
[GRUNTS]
Oh.
Here it is, master.
Oh, it is all smashed.
Well, blink it out.
Oh, I could not do that, master.
After all, it is Mama's magic.
All right, well, then
hand 'em up one at a time.
Oh, master.
I told Mama you were
the most intelligent astronaut
of the whole group.
She did not believe me, but
I will convince her some day.
Jeannie, will you?
Oh, yes, master.
Right away, right away.
Look, uh, I haven't got all day.
Will you hurry it up, please?
Hi. How are you?
No... Yes,
as a matter of fact.
You know,
I've always admired you mailmen.
Through sleet and snow,
hail and rain,
the mail must meet
its appointed rounds.
And there...
Excuse me, I'm a little late.
Relax, take it easy.
You're in the service,
I'm in the service.
Maybe we chew the fat,
learn how each other operates.
Major, you're interfering
with U.S. mails.
[LAUGHS] Of course not.
I use the U.S. mails
all the time, watch.
I'll show you how easy it is.
JEANNIE:
Master.
There someone in there?
[LAUGHING] No, of course not.
You can't go around
mailing people.
Oh, sorry.
Jeannie, will you hurry it up?
Will...? Oh.
[♪]
[COUGHING] Major.
Are you all right,
major? Major?
[HOARSELY] I'm all right.
Thanks. Thanks.
What's going on here?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Let us out. Let us out.
Somebody unlock the door.
I still don't know
what I'm doing in here.
I don't even know how
we got here in the first place.
We... We must have been
attacked.
I can't think of any other
reason I'd be out of uniform.
Last thing I remember, Major
Nelson came into my office.
Of course.
Major Nelson.
He'd have an explanation, sir.
He always does.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Don't anybody panic.
Major Nelson.
Don't anybody panic.
Ladder Company Number 69
to the rescue.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[♪]
[♪]