How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 5, Episode 21 - How I Met Your Mother - full transcript

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OLDER TED: Kids, your Aunt Robin
had only been dating Don a short while,

when one evening, out of nowhere...

- Robin?
- Hmm.

Do you wanna move in?

(STUTTERING) Well, it's kind of soon, but,
sure, I would consider moving in here.

Just let me think about it.

No, I meant do you wanna move in
on the couch so I could sit down?

Yeah. That's what I meant, too.

Like I said, just let me think about it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Yeah. I'm okay with that.
- Okay.

But now that you mentioned it,

do you wanna move in?

So, what did you say?

- I'm considering it.
- You're considering it?

- Yeah.
- You barely know him.

Plus, the guy's a loser with a dead-end job.

We have the same job, Barney.

- And we couldn't be prouder of you, angel.
- Ugh.

Well, sweetie, this does seem kind of fast.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, maybe you're right.

Well, I think you should move in with him.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I see how happy you are.

And as much as I love you as a roommate,

- I want you to do what's right for you.
- Oh!

Are you trying to kick me out
because of the milk thing?

It's really annoying.

(SHOUTING) Robin!

No. I have a system.

I put the empty carton back in the fridge
to remind us to buy milk.

Okay, why don't you leave a full carton
to remind us we don't have to buy milk?

All right, all right.

As your ex, before you jump into anything,

I need to meet this guy.

I think it's kind of weird
that I haven't met him yet.

Totally weird. It's almost like someone

carefully orchestrated it that way
on purpose.

Fine. But you have to promise
to be on your best behavior.

I promise.

So, I'm banging
this Portuguese contortionist

and I swear, she is so flexible,

at one point she was on top of me
and underneath me.

Up top and down low!

One and two, bang!

- Who needs? Who needs? Who needs?
- I'm good. I'm good.

And that would be Barney.

He means well.

Well, actually, I'm not sure that's true.

I think he's awesome.

But I feel bad for any woman
with the kind of low self-esteem

who would actually date a guy like that.

OLDER TED: And that's when I realized

Robin never told Don
she had dated Barney.

I like you, Don.

We both love a good Scotch.

- We both enjoy my compelling stories.
- Yeah.

And we both dated Robin.

OLDER TED: Now he knew.

So, Barney's your ex
and you still hang out with him?

I got to say
I'm a little uncomfortable with that.

Oh, look, don't be. It's like we never dated.

Long story short,
this exchange student's arms gave out,

and we both fell, ass over sex swing.

Seriously,
I have not been able to find a girl

who can do that position since Robin.

Hey, Lily! Marshall!

How was your weekend away,
or any other topic?

- Awful.
- Terrible.

Twin beds?
We can't sleep in separate beds.

We should go complain.

Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna march
down there and demand another room.

Yeah, I'll go with you in just a sec.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MAID: Housekeeping.

Could you come back later?
We're taking a little catnap.

MAID: It's time to check out.

We slept for 18 hours.

- We missed four pre-paid meals.
- I lost 11 pounds.

Hey, Ted, do you think it's weird
that Robin is still friends with Barney?

I think it's weird
that we're all still friends with Barney.

I just don't know how I feel
about her hanging out

with one of her exes all the time.

OLDER TED: And that's when I realized
Robin had failed to tell Don

about another one of her exes, me.

No, hanging out with one ex is fine.
Even two, I'd give a pass.

Hell, two might be even better than one,

for some reason.

Yeah, but if you were dating someone

and he hung out with one of his exes
all the time...

Oh, wait, I'm sorry. "He"?

Yeah, and he was friends
with one of his exes...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, dude, dude, hold on.

Do you think I'm gay?

Well, yeah.

Why would you assume that?

- Hey.
- Hey, Ted, your calligraphy teacher called.

- And? And?
- Your ink is in.

Yes!

Hey, guys, I just wanna make sure
Project Runway is recording.

Did the Jets get new costumes?

Well, I guess we won't be having
creme brul?e tonight.

My browning torch is broken.

You know, when I heard your roommate
was a single guy,

I was a little jealous.
But now that I know he's gay, I'm okay.

Oh, Ted's not...

But we still got homemade lady fingers
and piping hot Darjeeling.

Awesome. Thank you.

Ted's not what?

Ted's not gonna be around a lot.

He's following Cher on tour.

Okay, don't get me wrong,
Cher puts on a hell of a show.

But I am not gay.

Hey, Lily, be honest.

Is it weird that Robin hangs out
with one of her exes all the time?

Well, Ted and Robin broke up years ago.
It's a non-issue.

Ted and Robin?

Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donny?

- Appletini for the gentleman.
- Thank you.

You dated Ted, too?

Robin, of the four people you consider
your best friends in New York,

you've slept with 50% of them.

- Don, they're just my friends.
- Yeah, but they're also your exes.

And you live with one of them.

Look, I'm sorry, I got to...
I got to think about all this.

- LILY: (SIGHING) Mmm.
- Mmm.

MARSHALL: My God,
she's a thousand degrees!

It's like putting my leg against a tailpipe.

LILY: Ow!
His toenails are like daggers.

MARSHALL: I'd love a sandwich,

but no eating in bed.

Stupid rule.

We have ants one time.

LILY: Great, and now he's falling asleep.

Cue the river of drool.

(GRUNTS)

MARSHALL: My knee itches.

Just one little scratch.

Marshall!

I think we should get separate beds.

Yes! A mini fridge and separate beds.

Deal!

- Don.
- Hi.

I came to apologize to all of you.
I overreacted.

Well, we owe you an apology, too, Don.

- We said some pretty hurtful things.
- No, you didn't.

Right, right, that was after you left.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth
in the first place.

No, I acted like a total drama queen.

That's not offensive, right?

- Still not gay.
- Sorry.

So, look, the point is you both
are clearly very important to Robin.

So, why don't we all
have dinner tomorrow night at my place?

Oh, that's great.

Looking forward to it, buddy.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- DON: You want to go?
- Yeah.

- See you guys.
- Bye.

Bye.

- Ted?
- Yeah?

I must have Robin back.

- You're kidding, right?
- No.

I don't know what it is,
but I want Robin back.

I know what it is.

You're like a little kid
who throws a toy away

and then wants it back the second
another kid starts playing with it.

Well, maybe I wasn't done playing with it.

Maybe I just set it down

'cause I wanted to play with
some other stuff for a second!

Okay.

You're ready.

Ready for what?

To read the letter.

OLDER TED: Kids,
the letter was a device I'd invented

to remind myself
why I'd broken up with somebody.

I'd been doing it for years.

"Dear Future Ted, never get back with
Karen because she's a pretentious snob.

"Oh, also, she cheated on you.

"I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

(CHUCKLES)

"See, we're already laughing about it."

"Dear Future Ted, stay away from Natalie,

"or any girl who can pin you to the ground

"and beat you senseless
in front of a cheering crowd.

"P.S. Please consult a therapist
about why that turned you on a little bit. "

"Dear Relationship Genius,

"Stella left you at the altar.

"You may never love again
and will probably die alone. "

Huh!

It doesn't look so sad
written in calligraphy.

OLDER TED: So, when Barney and Robin
broke up the previous fall...

Dating Robin was a huge mistake.

- Write that down.
- What?

Write yourself a letter.

That way, when you miss Robin,
and you will,

you can remind yourself why you broke up.

Gladly.

- "Dear Future Barney..."
- Ooh!

- This ink is cool.
- Right? Right?

"You and Robin..."

"Were a terrible couple.

"It just didn't work.
Sure, you'll always love Robin,

"but remember other women?

"More importantly,
remember other boobs?

"And all the
cool stuff you can do with boobs?

"Nuzzle, juggle, honka-honka.

"I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic."

Then there's just
a bunch of drawings of boobs.

- You get it now?
- Yeah, I get it.

I definitely want her back.

(SIGHS)

I don't think human beings were
ever meant to sleep in the same bed.

Somehow sex and sleep
got all jumbled together,

but they're two different things.

I know. I mean, I love you,
but I want this new bed

to be a sanctuary for sleep and sleep alone.

Me, too.
And some light snacking, but that's it.

Hey, you know what we should get?

We should get a third bed just for sex.

Yes! A sex bed! A dirty, dirty sex bed!

It's genius. That way each bed
would have a specific purpose.

Exactly.

We'll have two sleep beds, a sex bed,

and I'm thinking a bean bag chair,
just for special birthday stuff.

Baby, did we just revolutionize
modern marriage?

Damn straight!

(CLICKING TONGUE)

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Don.

I hope you like sushi.

How cool is it that Don makes sushi?
He learned while on assignment in Japan.

Ringworm-ilicious.

Barney, be nice. You only want her
'cause you can't have her.

It's like if I said you can sit anywhere
in this room except that chair.

Are you so petty that...

My chair! My chair!

Oh, spicy tuna with jalapeno! My favorite!

Mine, too. I love spicy food.
The hotter the better.

I love spicy stuff, too, guy.

Probably more than you do.

- Check it.
- Don't...

Super mild.

I'm not feeling it.

Hey, Lily, you won't believe it,
it's the craziest thing.

Don has twin beds, too.

Oh, my God! We just got twin beds.

Oh, Oh. Great, great.

Well, wait, that "great"
didn't sound so great.

Well, my ex-wife and I
thought they'd be a good idea,

but we just started to drift apart. So...

Yeah, but I bet you didn't have
another bed just for sex.

No, but she did
at her personal trainer's house.

This chili is like an ice cube in my mouth.

I will say this, though.

I'm gonna get a king-size bed
if Robin decides to move in.

Oh, I'd like that.

- Lf I move in.
- Lf you move in.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Tokyo Don,

you ever do this back in Japan?

- Wasabi!
- I wouldn't, Barney, no.

Hey. Oh, my God, Barney?

(EX CLAIMS)

- Awesome!
- Give him some milk!

Spit it out, Barney! Spit it out!

Oh, we're out of milk.

But thanks for the reminder, Robin.

(EX CLAIMING)

ROBIN: Oh, sweet.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Hey, I stand by what I did.

It was bold and romantic.

You soiled yourself
from both ends of your body.

Oh, come on! You have done
tons of stupid stuff to impress Robin.

Yeah, I did, but I don't anymore,
'cause I'm over her.

- Just like you are.
- You are not over her.

You want her back just as much as I do.

You just won't let yourself go there.

That is ridiculous. And I'll tell you why.

"For my biographer"?

Just... Just focus on the letter, okay?

"Dear Ted, Robin is the perfect girl for you.

"But she doesn't wanna be
in a serious relationship.

"You need someone
who wants to settle down,

"so until Robin's ready for that next step,
she's not your girl.

"Still, I'll always remember stealing her
the blue French horn,

"our first kiss,

"the look in her eye
when she told me she loved me."

Damn it.

Now I want her back.

OLDER TED: So, that night,
your Uncle Barney and I sat down

to have a calm, rational discussion,
about who deserved Robin more.

- No!
- I stole her a blue French horn!

I dated her for a year!

I wanted her to be
the mother of my children

and spend eternity in her arms.

See, I wanna have sex with her
at least one more time!

She is mine!

She's not yours!
And she's not mine, either.

- She's Don's.
- You're right.

- We got to get rid of that guy.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- You know, figuratively.

Of course.

Or literally.

Oh, my God, Ted, this is how it starts!

This is how it starts!
I'm scared, Teddy, I'm scared, Teddy!

(SHUSHING) Two guys talking.
Just two guys talking.

Okay. Okay.

Marshall, I'm worried.

I don't wanna get divorced.

Oh, baby.

Honey, that's Don. That's not us.

Our new sleeping arrangement
is only gonna bring us closer together.

Now get out of my bed.

Can we at least push them together?

Sure.

Oh, you meant the beds.
No, I don't wanna do that.

Why not?

Baby, I love you more than life itself.

But you're a million degrees.

Honestly, I'm surprised
your hourly pee breaks aren't just steam.

Well, you're no picnic in bed, either.

Oh, except for the food and the ants.

But, well, I still wanna be next to you.

Why? So you can kick me and slap me
all night?

I swear to God, the second you fall asleep,
it's like you grow extra limbs.

It's like spooning
with a Hindu deity, Ganesh!

Wanna push them together?

You still talking about the beds?

- Nope.
- Get over here.

- Robin Stinson!
- Robin Mosby!

Robin Stinson!

Ted Scherbatsky!
I'll take her name. I don't care.

Okay. Wait.
How about this? How about this?

We share her.

I'll take her until she's 40,

and then you can have her after that.

Okay, who are we kidding?
She's with Don now.

We just have to accept that, and move on.

You're right.

I'm gonna go to the...
I'm gonna go to the bathroom,

and then I'll skedaddle.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hey, Robin, it's Barn Door.
Guess what? I'm open.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Hey, Barn Door, hang on.
I'm getting another call.

Hello?

Hey, Robin, it's Teddy Bear.
Need a little honey?

(GROWLING)

- No. Ted, hang on.
- Okay.

Hey, Barney, I'm gonna have to
call you back.

Ted's on the other line,
and I think he's in trouble.

Ted's calling you? He's in trouble, all right!

Ted, what's up?

You have pretty hair. That's what's up.

And down your back.

(GROWLING SUGGESTIVELY)

(SCREAMING)

Wow.
We almost let that get out of control.

Agreed.

I'm gonna get out of here
before we do something we regret.

Robin! Robin, I love you!

- You son of a bitch!
- Robin!

Robin, I brought you the blue French horn!

I brought you the blue French horn!
Robin, Ted's just holding it for me.

Sorry, buddy, all's fair.

Oh, God. Guys, what are you doing?

Robin, I wanna win you back!

Hey, guys. Why don't you come upstairs?

Right.

All right, Don!

Let's settle this. You, me and Ted!

Yeah! A three-way.

Look, guys, Robin and I
have to go do our show,

so why don't you have a seat
on the couch, watch some television,

and we'll talk about this
when we get back, okay?

Wow, you give up easy. Game, set, match.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Where's...

Where's this TV
you've been bragging about?

It's right here.

(BOTH SIGH)

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- Good night, boys.
- Good night.

Night, night, Papa.

- That was nice.
- Yeah.

- Well, she gots to go.
- What?

Oh, I'm sorry. That was a blast.
And you're great.

But I have to be up early, so...

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Well, you're just kicking me out?

You knew what this was.

Lily, Lily, wait.

Don't forget your sweatshirt. Nice try.

Teddy Bear! Barn Door!

- Papa?
- Rise and shine, jackasses!

So, do you guys remember
anything from last night?

Yeah.

Boy, was Ted drunk. Embarrassing.

I'm really sorry. We both are.

We were drunk and stupid.

But we're gonna do anything we can

to make sure that Don feels
a part of the group.

Don's not gonna be a part of the group.

And neither am I.

At least for a while.

Guys, this thing with Don is real.

And I wanna see where it goes.

And I'll never be able to do that
if I keep hanging out

with my ex-boyfriends all the time.

It just won't work.

I'm moving in with Don.

(SINGING)
It should be boredom by now

I know the tricks

So, what's going on with Robin?

You were right. She was just mad.

It's been four days, she hasn't said
another word about moving out.

But listen, we can never
pull crap like that ever again.

Agreed. In fact, I even wrote myself
another letter.

"Dear Future Barney, you think you want
Robin back again, but you really don't.

"Let her go. Sincerely, Past Barney."

- Let me see that.
- Hey, hey, give it to me.

All right, all right,
"P.S. That top part was just for Ted.

"Did he buy it? Good.

"Now get back together with Robin.

"But don't mention your plan to Ted,
'cause he'll just screw it up again."

And then there's more drawings of boobs.

Okay, okay. In my defense,

how great are boobs?

- They're pretty great. They're pretty great.
- So?

(EX CLAIMS)

(SHOUTING) Robin!

Just like a heavy drinker

I go for it every time

Hook, line and sinker

ENGLISH - US - SDH