How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 19 - Shady Parker - full transcript
Jesse tricks the gang into helping him pack his stuff in the apartment.
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Previously on
How I Met Your Father...
- Wonderful news.
It's lost and found day!
- Snip and Save: A Complete
Guide to Home Haircuts.
- Oh, actually, that's mine.
- This lame-ass book is all mine...
This receipt has a love song
written on it. About Sophie.
- Yes, I still have
feelings for Sophie.
- So what are you gonna do?
- I mean, it was a complete
disaster the first time around.
It would probably be a disaster
again, and I just need to move on.
♪ And I'm making it a habit ♪
♪ Reaching out to you ♪
Wait! Wait for me!
♪ Actin' like a fool... ♪
♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
- You know, kiddo, life isn't
always blue skies and sunshine.
Sometimes, things
can get stormy.
Oh, I
get it. You're doing a metaphor
about trouble brewing
with your friends, right?
- Ugh! No!
I'm talking about an
actual storm. A hurricane.
- Hurricane Marcy
is headed north,
and it's gonna be a doozy!
I'm Sandy Rivers, recently
demoted to weekend weatherman
as a result of my record-setting
47 still unproven allegations.
Thanks a lot, Ronan Farrow.
- Okay, how long do hurricanes last?
'Cause Hannah's moving back Monday,
and my boo does not like
flying through turbulence.
- Wow. What a unique
woman you married.
- How does she feel about war?
- Okay, Hannah will be fine.
You see, weather warnings are just
hype to scare you into buying supplies.
Big Umbrella is real.
- Hey! Hey, hey,
guess what? Good news.
Your number-one boy just
found a new place to live!
- I asked Jesse to move in with me.
- Ha, ha!
Wow! ELLEN: Wow!
That is so great, and not
shockingly fast at all.
- I know, I know.
It's a little crazy,
but the loft I'm renting is
way too expensive for just me.
- Yeah, and the only place that I could
afford was an illegal 12th-floor walkup,
and the stairs would've
been great for my butt...
- Your butt is perfect!
- Oh!
- Agree to disagree.
- I think it's great!
Best wishes to you and yours.
- Um, thank you, Sophie.
So, I was thinking maybe
we could have a little hang
at our place later to
celebrate my last night.
- What do you mean "last night"?
You're moving out tomorrow?
- Yeah. We're excited. Why wait?
I guess. I mean, Parker's
great, but can she...
open a beer bottle with
another beer bottle?
Excuse me. I need new pants.
- Well, I'll be there.
May this season of your lives
bring you peace and joy.
- Uh, cool.
Can we
talk for a second, weirdo?
You're still into Jesse.
- What?
No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
You're talking like
a Hallmark card,
and you only do that when
you're emotionally devastated.
- One Shamrock Shake, please.
- Sorry, machine's broken.
- Wishing you the luck of the Irish
on this blessed St. Patrick's Day.
Fine! I'm still into Jesse.
Everything about him. His
eyes and his smile and his...
unreasonably loud voice.
- Soph, you need to tell
him how you feel. Soon.
Before he gets in too deep
with this Parker girl.
- He is already in too deep.
They're moving in together!
Soon, they're gonna be
peeing in front of each other
and showering in
front of each other
and peeing in the shower
in front of each other!
- Is that what you
think relationships are?
- Look. He's... happy,
and I need to be supportive.
In fact, I'm gonna be the
most goddamn supportive person
you've ever seen in your life.
I'm gonna be like the human
version of a jockstrap.
J-J-Just keeping
Jesse... supported.
- Ew.
Val really believed
that we belonged together.
She just needed to show me that
he felt the same way I did.
- Where the hell
are those lyrics?
- Didn't see a lot of rain out
there. You know what I did see?
A lot of umbrellas. And ponchos.
The conspiracy is real, guys.
- I thought this was a
party. Where's the music?
The passed apps? A bouquet of
balloons that lets me know,
"Okay, I'm gonna have
a good time tonight"?
- Hey, guys!
- Oh, this isn't a
moving-out party.
It's a help-you-pack trap!
- That's right, suckers! And
you fell right into it! Ha, ha!
- It was Jesse's idea,
I swear. I bought beer.
And ordered pizza. And
said we should hire movers.
Please like me.
- Jesse? Why'd you
pack our crêpe maker?
- Uh, didn't you give
me that for my birthday?
- Yeah, for us to
make crêpes together.
Like, we were gonna call
ourselves the Nutella Fellas.
Well, we'll bust it out when we have
you over for brunch.
- Yeah, I spent a summer apprenticing
at a crêperie in Montreal,
and what we made
was tres delicieuse.
- That means three delicious-es.
- Does it?
- No, that can't be right.
- Check it out.
Human jockstrap going in.
Hey, girl! Hey. I
just wanted to say
that I'm so excited
for you and Jesse.
What a milestone. Can I hug
you? Yeah, I'm gonna hug you.
Aw! Thanks.
I am so lucky that Jesse
has such great friends.
All mine are still
back in Nevada.
- Oh, yeah? Well, moving here
mid-school year must have been tough.
- It was. Yeah, but I just
needed to get out of there.
- Really? How come?
- Oh, it's a long story.
I don't really
wanna get into it.
- That was weird, right?
- You hugging her? Extremely.
- No. What gym teacher leaves
her job mid-school year
and moves across the country,
and "doesn't wanna get into it"?
Like, who
was even asking?
- You were!
- Bingo! Something's off.
- Good God, how many
chinos can one man own?
Hey, guys! ELLEN: Hey.
- So, that lost and found
night we had a while back.
That was pretty fun, wasn't it?
- Sure.
It was aight. Why do you ask?
- You didn't happen to take
anything that night, did you?
Something that wasn't yours...
- No.
- Of course not!
No, the only thing
that Ellen and I steal
is ourselves to take on
life's big challenges.
- Mm-hmm! Okay, bye.
- Well, if you happen to
remember anything else...
you have my number.
- Sure thing, Detective Nerd.
Someone send
Valentina back to the kitchen
'cause she got
burned.
Oh, pizza's here!
No need to chip in for tip.
It is also on me.
Remember! Like me!
- Sid.
Check out the name
on this credit card.
Timothy Mansfield?
That's not her name.
That's a boy's name.
You gotta admit, that
is sketchy as hell.
- It is indeed.
Looks like Lady Parker
just became Shady Parker.
- So, who do you think
Timothy Mansfield is?
- She must be some
sort of a con woman.
- Oh, my God, yes.
Like in those articles
that become podcasts that
become limited series.
That become podcasts that
recap the limited series!
- Exactly! This
is what she does.
She seduces a guy,
moves in with him,
butters up his friends
with pizza, and then...
- She strangles them?
- No! That was a real pepperoni.
No. She takes them for
everything they have,
flees to the next
city, does it again.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
- Like evil shampoo.
Poor Jesse. He's just
so sweet and trusting.
Oh God, she already has him eating
outta the palm of her hand. Look.
Mm!
Just when I thought pistachios
couldn't taste any better!
- We have to tell him.
- No! Not yet, Sophie.
He'll never believe us. We
need more hard evidence.
- Let's go through her purse. Oh,
I bet it's chock full of secrets.
- Ooh, that is good. But
But how do we get it
without her noticing?
- We do the old
distract and extract.
I literally just
came up with that.
- Well, may I just
confess I am impressed?
- Mine was better.
- I know.
Hey, girl.
- I mean...
what up, my sister from
a different mister?
- Uh, you know, my zipper is
stuck, and I really need to pee.
Can you come into the
bathroom and help me?
- Can't I just unzip it here?
- Don't make this any more
difficult than it needs to be. Walk.
Val, I can't find the
caterpillar you asked me to save.
Hopefully, she became
a butterfly, and...
There was no
caterpillar, was there?
- I know you two took it.
- Okay, fine! I took it!
- We're dirty thieves.
- But it was for everyone's own good.
Do you really want
this out in the world,
destroying people's lives?
- Just. Go. Get. It.
- Fine! But! Don't!
Clap! At! Me!
- Well... good.
Luck. Out. There.
- You ready? I'll
distract. You extract.
Whoa! Parker! Strong much?
- Oh! Yeah.
Yeah, I used to be a
competitive arm wrestler.
- That's so crazy!
I used to
arm wrestle, too!
You did? SOPHIE: Yeah.
Used to be a member of the...
Women's Arm Wrestling
of New England.
You know... WAWONE?
- Well, what was your move?
Top roller, flop, press, hook?
- Yeah. All of 'em.
You wanna tangle?
Alright. Hoo! It's on!
It's on!
- Okay. Okay.
- Um, what's going on?
- Uh, nothing. Just...
two alpha females vying for
supremacy via arm wrestling.
- Prepare for the challenge of...
- Three, two, one, wrestle!
- Oh! I'm so sorry. I have
a Tide stick in my purse...
- No need! I want a rematch.
Yeah. I just wasn't
ready yet. Oh!
'Cause in WAWONE, we say, uh, we
say, "Three, two, one, wrestle now!"
Okay...
Yeah. SOPHIE: Yeah.
Three, two, one... wrestle now!
- Is Sophie mouthing,
"I think I can, I think I can"?
- Yeah, it's her favorite book.
- Anything?
- Um, more like everything.
Three bottles of prescription
painkillers in someone else's name.
Timothy Mansfield?
- Nope. Another name.
Rachel Whitmore.
- She seduces women, too?
Oh, my God.
She's a hot con woman
who swings both ways.
This is totally article-turned-podcast
turned-limited-series material.
- Mm-hmm.
Why do you think Parker's
got all these pills?
- She's probably a drug dealer.
- Or she's a drug lord.
- What's the difference?
- A drug lord is a dealer
who works really hard
and gets promoted.
- Whoa.
- I think we have enough
to bring to Jesse.
- No, no, no! No,
we need more proof.
Something that makes our
case against her rock solid.
- We could run a
background check on her.
- You can't just run a
background check on someone!
They have to agree to it.
You know, like when
you're applying for a job.
Or auditioning for
Naked and Afraid.
What's up, Naked and Afraid?
My name is Sid. I'm 5'11".
I am not scared of mosquitoes.
No problem whatsoever...
- What the hell are you doing? You
don't have to be naked for the audition!
- I told you to stay in your room!
- Fine! Fine!
- Oh, my God, Sid...
- I know! I got robbed!
- No! Not that. No. We
know the guy who hired her.
- Hi, Sophie! Thanks
for the invite.
I love a packing party.
I brought my label maker.
Ooh.
- Drew? What are you doing here?
- Uh, Sophie invited me.
- Oh. Uh...
Cool. Well, hey, listen,
it's so nice of you
to drop everything you were doing
to come help a colleague pack.
- Come on, man. I don't
see you as a colleague.
You're my employee. Ooh.
Sweet, 'za.
Eh, tell
me you got-a the pepperoni!
I studied
abroad in Italy.
- What? He's my friend.
- Gah!
- Hey.
Hi, guys. SOPHIE: So, um...
Parker's pretty great, huh?
- Oh, P-Kitty? Yeah,
she's the best.
I call her that 'cause one
time in the teacher's lounge,
she fell asleep in a sunbeam.
Aw.
So what was the
hiring process like?
Interview? Background check?
- Oh, great interview. I asked her
to describe herself in three words,
and she said, "really
bad at counting."
It's four words.
- Got it. She's a riot.
- Yeah.
- So did you ever talk to anyone
who worked with her before?
- Um, didn't have to.
Yeah, I got a glowing letter from
the principal at her last school.
- What school was that?
- Um...
Washington Middle
School in Reno. Why?
- Oh, I like to know, um,
all my friends' employment
history. What was your first job?
- Panera Bread. But "job"
isn't the word for it.
We were really
more like a family.
- Hurri-cane? More
like hurri-tame.
Oh, damn it, no. Pretend I said
"hurri-lame." Hurri-lame! Damn it.
- Did you get it?
This is Jesse's lame
self-haircut book.
- And I'm so sorry I took it.
I remember the moment you pulled
it out of the lost and found box
like it was yesterday.
- Snip and Save: A Complete
Guide to Home Haircuts.
- Oh, actually, that's mine.
I thought everyone was
going to say what I was thinking.
That this was the most badass
book of all time. But then...
Wow. That is so sad.
I didn't wanna
be the odd one out,
so I piled on with one of
my classic Ellen burns.
Sweetie, we get it. Do
you need to borrow money?
But the truth was, I always
dreamt of doing my own hair.
So, later that night,
I made my move.
Luckily, your girl Ellie
is smooth as jelly.
I gotta go.
I'm beat. Oh. Oh, my...
I got home and got to cutting.
They say the first
cut is the deepest,
but, in my case...
it was the dumbest.
- It's okay, darling. It's
alright. It's okay. I can fix this.
Um...
Okay...
- So earlier, when you said what you stole
could hurt a lot of people, you meant...
- Destroy their 'dos!
Maim their manes!
Turn their haircuts
into scare cuts!
- But what's the big deal?
Your hair grew back fine.
- Did it, Valentina? Did it!?
Ah!
Wait, so you've
been wearing that...
- Since lost and found night!
And if you were wondering
if it itches, it does!
- Uh, well, uh,
sorry for the confusion.
The wig looks great, though.
I never suspected a thing.
Wait.
What was she looking for?
- Doesn't matter. What matters is
that she couldn't even tell, okay?
Which is exactly what Raffa at
the wig shop said would happen.
Oh.
- Okay. I'm gonna call the middle school
and prove that Parker never worked there,
and you are gonna soak up every
detail for the Netflix pitch.
- What? We're going to Netflix?
Sophie, we'll get lost
in a sea of content.
- Do you think that Sarah
Paulson would play me?
'Cause I feel like she would just nail
my layered innocence.
- Shh. It's ringing.
- Mm.
This is Principal Harris. SOPHIE
Good afternoon, Principal.
I was calling to get a
recommendation for a teacher
that worked for
you. Parker James?
- I actually don't
recognize the name.
- Ha! Case closed! Yes!
We're not gonna mention that
during the Netflix pitch.
- Mm-hmm.
- You almost got
away with it, Parker!
- Or should we say Drug Lord...
Parker?
- Jesse and Parker are in Jesse's
room. Do you want me to go get them?
- Yes!
Please.
Thank you!
- Hey. What's going on?
- Jesse, we hate
to break it to you,
but your friend here
isn't who she says she is.
- Parker James...
is a con artist.
- We'd like to tell you a little
story about a girl named Parker.
She rolls into town.
She fakes her way
into a wholesome job.
She finds herself a
sweet, gullible dope
and takes him for
all he's worth.
- And she also does...
- the drug stuff.
- Oh, we're talking lord level.
- Jesse, that's not true. I...
- Of course. it's not true.
This is what I get
for not hiring movers.
- If it's not true, then why
does Parker have a credit card
belonging to someone
named Timothy Mansfield?
- Yeah, and Rachel Whitmore's
prescription pills?
- I'm digging this 'cause it's really
taking the heat off my wig situation.
- Oh yeah. Oh, you
are sliding a bit.
- Oh, my God, did
I hire a criminal?
Was I blinded by comedy gold?
Really bad at counting.
- Drew, Parker didn't even work
at Washington Middle School!
- Yes, I did!
- Oh, you wanna do this the hard way?
Fine.
This Principal Harris. SOPHIE
Hi, Principal.
This is Sophie. I called
before about Parker James.
- Yes, I remember. You yelled
"case closed" and hung up on me.
I was going to say that I
didn't recognize Parker's name
because I just
started working here.
- Oh. Is that... so?
But I confirmed
with faculty and students alike
that Ms. James was a
phenomenal gym teacher.
You're breaking up! Uh, bye, now!
But what about the credit card?
And the prescription pills?
And moving across the country
for mysterious reasons?
- You don't need to answer.
- No, no, it, it's fine.
The credit card
belongs to my brother
and the pills belong to my mom.
- But they're all
different last names.
- My mom kept her maiden name
because she's a feminist.
My brother took his wife's name
because he's also a feminist.
- The future is female!
- My mom's recovering from a
really bad rock climbing accident.
- Or is she?
- Sophie. Uh-uh.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It sounds like she is.
- I have my brother's credit card
because we split her medical bills.
- Parker dropped everything and
moved here to take care of her mom.
- Is she gonna be okay?
- Yes. Yeah, the doctor said she
had a one-in-a-million chance
to ever walk again. Well,
guess what? She's the one.
- Hoo! Yeah. Netflix just reached
out about buying her life rights.
- Sarah Paulson's interested.
The
Sarah Paulson. It's cool.
It's very cool.
- I am so sorry, Parker. I...
I think I just had an insane reaction
to Jesse moving out tomorrow,
and it's just that we've been roommates
since... before we could drink.
And
now, all we do is drink.
- Sid, you're
being ridiculous...
Are you crying?
Don't cry. You know I can't
handle it when you cry...
Oh, good.
So this is what
I've signed up for.
You can hug him if you want.
- Thank you.
I'm
so sorry, man!
I forgive you, man.
- Get in here,
Parker! Get in here.
- That was so crazy...
- Not you!
- Oh, not there
yet. Got it. Yeah.
Parker. I'm sorry, too.
- I think the real reason that
I was so crazy tonight is, um...
I guess I just, um...
I want what's best for Jesse.
And I think what's
best for Jesse is...
you.
- Thank you. Guess
you're just a...
terrifyingly protective
friend.
Okay. I'm gonna head out.
Gotta drop off my mom's meds.
Then I'm gonna...
hit the docks and make
sure none of my lieutenants
are skimming off the top.
- See you soon.
- Bye, Parker.
♪ No Rain by Rolipso
& Brenzy playing ♪
- This is by far one of the
weirdest parties I've ever been to.
And I've been to an
adult man's bris.
It was mine.
You okay?
- Yeah, I-I'm fine. I was...
looking for something
tonight, but it's gone.
- Hm. Funny.
♪ But it's not sane ♪
I feel like tonight I found
exactly what I was looking for.
♪ It's not sane ♪
- Hey.
So I haven't been much
help packing tonight.
Hit me with a box.
- I don't know why you did what you
did, but that's not what a friend does.
Okay, fine.
It's a hurricane.
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ Why I sleep all day ♪
♪ And I start to complain ♪
♪ That there's no rain ♪
♪ All I can do ♪
♪ Is read a book to stay awake ♪
♪ And it rips my life away ♪
♪ But it's a great escape ♪
♪ Escape ♪
---
Previously on
How I Met Your Father...
- Wonderful news.
It's lost and found day!
- Snip and Save: A Complete
Guide to Home Haircuts.
- Oh, actually, that's mine.
- This lame-ass book is all mine...
This receipt has a love song
written on it. About Sophie.
- Yes, I still have
feelings for Sophie.
- So what are you gonna do?
- I mean, it was a complete
disaster the first time around.
It would probably be a disaster
again, and I just need to move on.
♪ And I'm making it a habit ♪
♪ Reaching out to you ♪
Wait! Wait for me!
♪ Actin' like a fool... ♪
♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
- You know, kiddo, life isn't
always blue skies and sunshine.
Sometimes, things
can get stormy.
Oh, I
get it. You're doing a metaphor
about trouble brewing
with your friends, right?
- Ugh! No!
I'm talking about an
actual storm. A hurricane.
- Hurricane Marcy
is headed north,
and it's gonna be a doozy!
I'm Sandy Rivers, recently
demoted to weekend weatherman
as a result of my record-setting
47 still unproven allegations.
Thanks a lot, Ronan Farrow.
- Okay, how long do hurricanes last?
'Cause Hannah's moving back Monday,
and my boo does not like
flying through turbulence.
- Wow. What a unique
woman you married.
- How does she feel about war?
- Okay, Hannah will be fine.
You see, weather warnings are just
hype to scare you into buying supplies.
Big Umbrella is real.
- Hey! Hey, hey,
guess what? Good news.
Your number-one boy just
found a new place to live!
- I asked Jesse to move in with me.
- Ha, ha!
Wow! ELLEN: Wow!
That is so great, and not
shockingly fast at all.
- I know, I know.
It's a little crazy,
but the loft I'm renting is
way too expensive for just me.
- Yeah, and the only place that I could
afford was an illegal 12th-floor walkup,
and the stairs would've
been great for my butt...
- Your butt is perfect!
- Oh!
- Agree to disagree.
- I think it's great!
Best wishes to you and yours.
- Um, thank you, Sophie.
So, I was thinking maybe
we could have a little hang
at our place later to
celebrate my last night.
- What do you mean "last night"?
You're moving out tomorrow?
- Yeah. We're excited. Why wait?
I guess. I mean, Parker's
great, but can she...
open a beer bottle with
another beer bottle?
Excuse me. I need new pants.
- Well, I'll be there.
May this season of your lives
bring you peace and joy.
- Uh, cool.
Can we
talk for a second, weirdo?
You're still into Jesse.
- What?
No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
You're talking like
a Hallmark card,
and you only do that when
you're emotionally devastated.
- One Shamrock Shake, please.
- Sorry, machine's broken.
- Wishing you the luck of the Irish
on this blessed St. Patrick's Day.
Fine! I'm still into Jesse.
Everything about him. His
eyes and his smile and his...
unreasonably loud voice.
- Soph, you need to tell
him how you feel. Soon.
Before he gets in too deep
with this Parker girl.
- He is already in too deep.
They're moving in together!
Soon, they're gonna be
peeing in front of each other
and showering in
front of each other
and peeing in the shower
in front of each other!
- Is that what you
think relationships are?
- Look. He's... happy,
and I need to be supportive.
In fact, I'm gonna be the
most goddamn supportive person
you've ever seen in your life.
I'm gonna be like the human
version of a jockstrap.
J-J-Just keeping
Jesse... supported.
- Ew.
Val really believed
that we belonged together.
She just needed to show me that
he felt the same way I did.
- Where the hell
are those lyrics?
- Didn't see a lot of rain out
there. You know what I did see?
A lot of umbrellas. And ponchos.
The conspiracy is real, guys.
- I thought this was a
party. Where's the music?
The passed apps? A bouquet of
balloons that lets me know,
"Okay, I'm gonna have
a good time tonight"?
- Hey, guys!
- Oh, this isn't a
moving-out party.
It's a help-you-pack trap!
- That's right, suckers! And
you fell right into it! Ha, ha!
- It was Jesse's idea,
I swear. I bought beer.
And ordered pizza. And
said we should hire movers.
Please like me.
- Jesse? Why'd you
pack our crêpe maker?
- Uh, didn't you give
me that for my birthday?
- Yeah, for us to
make crêpes together.
Like, we were gonna call
ourselves the Nutella Fellas.
Well, we'll bust it out when we have
you over for brunch.
- Yeah, I spent a summer apprenticing
at a crêperie in Montreal,
and what we made
was tres delicieuse.
- That means three delicious-es.
- Does it?
- No, that can't be right.
- Check it out.
Human jockstrap going in.
Hey, girl! Hey. I
just wanted to say
that I'm so excited
for you and Jesse.
What a milestone. Can I hug
you? Yeah, I'm gonna hug you.
Aw! Thanks.
I am so lucky that Jesse
has such great friends.
All mine are still
back in Nevada.
- Oh, yeah? Well, moving here
mid-school year must have been tough.
- It was. Yeah, but I just
needed to get out of there.
- Really? How come?
- Oh, it's a long story.
I don't really
wanna get into it.
- That was weird, right?
- You hugging her? Extremely.
- No. What gym teacher leaves
her job mid-school year
and moves across the country,
and "doesn't wanna get into it"?
Like, who
was even asking?
- You were!
- Bingo! Something's off.
- Good God, how many
chinos can one man own?
Hey, guys! ELLEN: Hey.
- So, that lost and found
night we had a while back.
That was pretty fun, wasn't it?
- Sure.
It was aight. Why do you ask?
- You didn't happen to take
anything that night, did you?
Something that wasn't yours...
- No.
- Of course not!
No, the only thing
that Ellen and I steal
is ourselves to take on
life's big challenges.
- Mm-hmm! Okay, bye.
- Well, if you happen to
remember anything else...
you have my number.
- Sure thing, Detective Nerd.
Someone send
Valentina back to the kitchen
'cause she got
burned.
Oh, pizza's here!
No need to chip in for tip.
It is also on me.
Remember! Like me!
- Sid.
Check out the name
on this credit card.
Timothy Mansfield?
That's not her name.
That's a boy's name.
You gotta admit, that
is sketchy as hell.
- It is indeed.
Looks like Lady Parker
just became Shady Parker.
- So, who do you think
Timothy Mansfield is?
- She must be some
sort of a con woman.
- Oh, my God, yes.
Like in those articles
that become podcasts that
become limited series.
That become podcasts that
recap the limited series!
- Exactly! This
is what she does.
She seduces a guy,
moves in with him,
butters up his friends
with pizza, and then...
- She strangles them?
- No! That was a real pepperoni.
No. She takes them for
everything they have,
flees to the next
city, does it again.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
- Like evil shampoo.
Poor Jesse. He's just
so sweet and trusting.
Oh God, she already has him eating
outta the palm of her hand. Look.
Mm!
Just when I thought pistachios
couldn't taste any better!
- We have to tell him.
- No! Not yet, Sophie.
He'll never believe us. We
need more hard evidence.
- Let's go through her purse. Oh,
I bet it's chock full of secrets.
- Ooh, that is good. But
But how do we get it
without her noticing?
- We do the old
distract and extract.
I literally just
came up with that.
- Well, may I just
confess I am impressed?
- Mine was better.
- I know.
Hey, girl.
- I mean...
what up, my sister from
a different mister?
- Uh, you know, my zipper is
stuck, and I really need to pee.
Can you come into the
bathroom and help me?
- Can't I just unzip it here?
- Don't make this any more
difficult than it needs to be. Walk.
Val, I can't find the
caterpillar you asked me to save.
Hopefully, she became
a butterfly, and...
There was no
caterpillar, was there?
- I know you two took it.
- Okay, fine! I took it!
- We're dirty thieves.
- But it was for everyone's own good.
Do you really want
this out in the world,
destroying people's lives?
- Just. Go. Get. It.
- Fine! But! Don't!
Clap! At! Me!
- Well... good.
Luck. Out. There.
- You ready? I'll
distract. You extract.
Whoa! Parker! Strong much?
- Oh! Yeah.
Yeah, I used to be a
competitive arm wrestler.
- That's so crazy!
I used to
arm wrestle, too!
You did? SOPHIE: Yeah.
Used to be a member of the...
Women's Arm Wrestling
of New England.
You know... WAWONE?
- Well, what was your move?
Top roller, flop, press, hook?
- Yeah. All of 'em.
You wanna tangle?
Alright. Hoo! It's on!
It's on!
- Okay. Okay.
- Um, what's going on?
- Uh, nothing. Just...
two alpha females vying for
supremacy via arm wrestling.
- Prepare for the challenge of...
- Three, two, one, wrestle!
- Oh! I'm so sorry. I have
a Tide stick in my purse...
- No need! I want a rematch.
Yeah. I just wasn't
ready yet. Oh!
'Cause in WAWONE, we say, uh, we
say, "Three, two, one, wrestle now!"
Okay...
Yeah. SOPHIE: Yeah.
Three, two, one... wrestle now!
- Is Sophie mouthing,
"I think I can, I think I can"?
- Yeah, it's her favorite book.
- Anything?
- Um, more like everything.
Three bottles of prescription
painkillers in someone else's name.
Timothy Mansfield?
- Nope. Another name.
Rachel Whitmore.
- She seduces women, too?
Oh, my God.
She's a hot con woman
who swings both ways.
This is totally article-turned-podcast
turned-limited-series material.
- Mm-hmm.
Why do you think Parker's
got all these pills?
- She's probably a drug dealer.
- Or she's a drug lord.
- What's the difference?
- A drug lord is a dealer
who works really hard
and gets promoted.
- Whoa.
- I think we have enough
to bring to Jesse.
- No, no, no! No,
we need more proof.
Something that makes our
case against her rock solid.
- We could run a
background check on her.
- You can't just run a
background check on someone!
They have to agree to it.
You know, like when
you're applying for a job.
Or auditioning for
Naked and Afraid.
What's up, Naked and Afraid?
My name is Sid. I'm 5'11".
I am not scared of mosquitoes.
No problem whatsoever...
- What the hell are you doing? You
don't have to be naked for the audition!
- I told you to stay in your room!
- Fine! Fine!
- Oh, my God, Sid...
- I know! I got robbed!
- No! Not that. No. We
know the guy who hired her.
- Hi, Sophie! Thanks
for the invite.
I love a packing party.
I brought my label maker.
Ooh.
- Drew? What are you doing here?
- Uh, Sophie invited me.
- Oh. Uh...
Cool. Well, hey, listen,
it's so nice of you
to drop everything you were doing
to come help a colleague pack.
- Come on, man. I don't
see you as a colleague.
You're my employee. Ooh.
Sweet, 'za.
Eh, tell
me you got-a the pepperoni!
I studied
abroad in Italy.
- What? He's my friend.
- Gah!
- Hey.
Hi, guys. SOPHIE: So, um...
Parker's pretty great, huh?
- Oh, P-Kitty? Yeah,
she's the best.
I call her that 'cause one
time in the teacher's lounge,
she fell asleep in a sunbeam.
Aw.
So what was the
hiring process like?
Interview? Background check?
- Oh, great interview. I asked her
to describe herself in three words,
and she said, "really
bad at counting."
It's four words.
- Got it. She's a riot.
- Yeah.
- So did you ever talk to anyone
who worked with her before?
- Um, didn't have to.
Yeah, I got a glowing letter from
the principal at her last school.
- What school was that?
- Um...
Washington Middle
School in Reno. Why?
- Oh, I like to know, um,
all my friends' employment
history. What was your first job?
- Panera Bread. But "job"
isn't the word for it.
We were really
more like a family.
- Hurri-cane? More
like hurri-tame.
Oh, damn it, no. Pretend I said
"hurri-lame." Hurri-lame! Damn it.
- Did you get it?
This is Jesse's lame
self-haircut book.
- And I'm so sorry I took it.
I remember the moment you pulled
it out of the lost and found box
like it was yesterday.
- Snip and Save: A Complete
Guide to Home Haircuts.
- Oh, actually, that's mine.
I thought everyone was
going to say what I was thinking.
That this was the most badass
book of all time. But then...
Wow. That is so sad.
I didn't wanna
be the odd one out,
so I piled on with one of
my classic Ellen burns.
Sweetie, we get it. Do
you need to borrow money?
But the truth was, I always
dreamt of doing my own hair.
So, later that night,
I made my move.
Luckily, your girl Ellie
is smooth as jelly.
I gotta go.
I'm beat. Oh. Oh, my...
I got home and got to cutting.
They say the first
cut is the deepest,
but, in my case...
it was the dumbest.
- It's okay, darling. It's
alright. It's okay. I can fix this.
Um...
Okay...
- So earlier, when you said what you stole
could hurt a lot of people, you meant...
- Destroy their 'dos!
Maim their manes!
Turn their haircuts
into scare cuts!
- But what's the big deal?
Your hair grew back fine.
- Did it, Valentina? Did it!?
Ah!
Wait, so you've
been wearing that...
- Since lost and found night!
And if you were wondering
if it itches, it does!
- Uh, well, uh,
sorry for the confusion.
The wig looks great, though.
I never suspected a thing.
Wait.
What was she looking for?
- Doesn't matter. What matters is
that she couldn't even tell, okay?
Which is exactly what Raffa at
the wig shop said would happen.
Oh.
- Okay. I'm gonna call the middle school
and prove that Parker never worked there,
and you are gonna soak up every
detail for the Netflix pitch.
- What? We're going to Netflix?
Sophie, we'll get lost
in a sea of content.
- Do you think that Sarah
Paulson would play me?
'Cause I feel like she would just nail
my layered innocence.
- Shh. It's ringing.
- Mm.
This is Principal Harris. SOPHIE
Good afternoon, Principal.
I was calling to get a
recommendation for a teacher
that worked for
you. Parker James?
- I actually don't
recognize the name.
- Ha! Case closed! Yes!
We're not gonna mention that
during the Netflix pitch.
- Mm-hmm.
- You almost got
away with it, Parker!
- Or should we say Drug Lord...
Parker?
- Jesse and Parker are in Jesse's
room. Do you want me to go get them?
- Yes!
Please.
Thank you!
- Hey. What's going on?
- Jesse, we hate
to break it to you,
but your friend here
isn't who she says she is.
- Parker James...
is a con artist.
- We'd like to tell you a little
story about a girl named Parker.
She rolls into town.
She fakes her way
into a wholesome job.
She finds herself a
sweet, gullible dope
and takes him for
all he's worth.
- And she also does...
- the drug stuff.
- Oh, we're talking lord level.
- Jesse, that's not true. I...
- Of course. it's not true.
This is what I get
for not hiring movers.
- If it's not true, then why
does Parker have a credit card
belonging to someone
named Timothy Mansfield?
- Yeah, and Rachel Whitmore's
prescription pills?
- I'm digging this 'cause it's really
taking the heat off my wig situation.
- Oh yeah. Oh, you
are sliding a bit.
- Oh, my God, did
I hire a criminal?
Was I blinded by comedy gold?
Really bad at counting.
- Drew, Parker didn't even work
at Washington Middle School!
- Yes, I did!
- Oh, you wanna do this the hard way?
Fine.
This Principal Harris. SOPHIE
Hi, Principal.
This is Sophie. I called
before about Parker James.
- Yes, I remember. You yelled
"case closed" and hung up on me.
I was going to say that I
didn't recognize Parker's name
because I just
started working here.
- Oh. Is that... so?
But I confirmed
with faculty and students alike
that Ms. James was a
phenomenal gym teacher.
You're breaking up! Uh, bye, now!
But what about the credit card?
And the prescription pills?
And moving across the country
for mysterious reasons?
- You don't need to answer.
- No, no, it, it's fine.
The credit card
belongs to my brother
and the pills belong to my mom.
- But they're all
different last names.
- My mom kept her maiden name
because she's a feminist.
My brother took his wife's name
because he's also a feminist.
- The future is female!
- My mom's recovering from a
really bad rock climbing accident.
- Or is she?
- Sophie. Uh-uh.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It sounds like she is.
- I have my brother's credit card
because we split her medical bills.
- Parker dropped everything and
moved here to take care of her mom.
- Is she gonna be okay?
- Yes. Yeah, the doctor said she
had a one-in-a-million chance
to ever walk again. Well,
guess what? She's the one.
- Hoo! Yeah. Netflix just reached
out about buying her life rights.
- Sarah Paulson's interested.
The
Sarah Paulson. It's cool.
It's very cool.
- I am so sorry, Parker. I...
I think I just had an insane reaction
to Jesse moving out tomorrow,
and it's just that we've been roommates
since... before we could drink.
And
now, all we do is drink.
- Sid, you're
being ridiculous...
Are you crying?
Don't cry. You know I can't
handle it when you cry...
Oh, good.
So this is what
I've signed up for.
You can hug him if you want.
- Thank you.
I'm
so sorry, man!
I forgive you, man.
- Get in here,
Parker! Get in here.
- That was so crazy...
- Not you!
- Oh, not there
yet. Got it. Yeah.
Parker. I'm sorry, too.
- I think the real reason that
I was so crazy tonight is, um...
I guess I just, um...
I want what's best for Jesse.
And I think what's
best for Jesse is...
you.
- Thank you. Guess
you're just a...
terrifyingly protective
friend.
Okay. I'm gonna head out.
Gotta drop off my mom's meds.
Then I'm gonna...
hit the docks and make
sure none of my lieutenants
are skimming off the top.
- See you soon.
- Bye, Parker.
♪ No Rain by Rolipso
& Brenzy playing ♪
- This is by far one of the
weirdest parties I've ever been to.
And I've been to an
adult man's bris.
It was mine.
You okay?
- Yeah, I-I'm fine. I was...
looking for something
tonight, but it's gone.
- Hm. Funny.
♪ But it's not sane ♪
I feel like tonight I found
exactly what I was looking for.
♪ It's not sane ♪
- Hey.
So I haven't been much
help packing tonight.
Hit me with a box.
- I don't know why you did what you
did, but that's not what a friend does.
Okay, fine.
It's a hurricane.
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ Why I sleep all day ♪
♪ And I start to complain ♪
♪ That there's no rain ♪
♪ All I can do ♪
♪ Is read a book to stay awake ♪
♪ And it rips my life away ♪
♪ But it's a great escape ♪
♪ Escape ♪