House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 5, Episode 8 - House of Lies - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
It's touchdown time. Come on!

- Previously on House of Lies...
- Does Tess really want

a D&D tutorial

or does she want a lover?

I can totally get you a TED Talk.


Looks like I'm gonna have
to press flesh with the fans.

- Excuse me. So...
- 'Cause you know

what billion-dollar clients
mean? Big, fat fucking zeroes

at the end of that fat-ass check

that Skip Galweather's
gonna cut to acquire K and A.

Assuming your ex-wife

- doesn't win the offer first.
- Correct.

We're gonna blow her
right out of the water.

- Jeannie, this...
- Oh, Seth Buckley, running for mayor.

Seems like you really don't

want me to go out with him.

What would make you...

Good, 'cause I'm gonna fuck his brains out.

A boy band.

A fucking boy band, Ron?

They're not just any
fucking boy band, okay?

They are D'ream Out Loud.

D'ream Out Loud is the biggest
band since One Direction.


Love them.

Celestial Music Group is having a hard time

getting the band to re-sign.

And when I pitched us as
closers, they were very excited.

CMG knows all about the cruise deal

and your spike with suboptimal engagements.

So word of our Dushkin
whispering has spread,

and now they want us to re-sign
these dickheads and then what?

We get to babysit

the Backstreet fuckin' Boys?

You whisper them into re-signing,

CMG is all over our

collective dick, and
are they ripe for reorg.

Yeah. Top down, extreme makeover.

Yeah, endless afterwork.
I get it. But I don't know.

A fucking boy band?

Monica's racking up all
these media properties,

and K and A is media light, okay?

She's one step ahead of us, Marty.

She's poised to win the big "enchi-layda"!


There's an apostrophe between
the "D" and the "ream"?

So it's "Dah-ream Out Loud"?

You don't hear the apostrophe, man.

You just say "dream."

- Say "dream." Dream.
- Dream.

No, no, no, you see, the...
One more time... dream.

- Dream.
- See, I'm... I can still hear the apostrophe.

Are you fucking with me, Ron?

Yes, I am.

- Please leave my office.
- I'm leaving.

Yeah. Right out the do'or.

All right.

Mrs. Buckley, so nice to meet you.

- Oh, I'm not...
- Hey, listen, you are...

you are doing great. Uh, you
want any pancakes? You hungry?

Uh, actually, I have to get to work.

Oh, okay, all right, well,
have a good day, all right?

Um, I'll see you tonight for
the Silicon Beach fund-raiser?

- Fantastic.
- Yeah? Okay.

Oh, oh, very good.

Oh, wow. Come on.

Oh, my God, what?

- What are we laughing at?
- I'm... I...

some of my new TED Talk fans.

I'm sorry, fa... You said "fans"?

- That's right, fans. But, yeah.
- Oh, shit, I didn't know.

Tell me, tell me. I
want to know everything.

- They're tweeting me the funniest things.
- Cool.

- Well, more sweet than funny, I guess.
- Oh.

Like, uh, "You changed my life,"

there, "You're an inspiration."

- Oh, yeah.
- God, it's overwhelming,

but in a good way, you know?

No, I don't. Quick question:

How many Twitter followers did
you have before the TED Talk?

- Wow, that takes me back.
- Sure.

Uh... 125.

- And you have... 136 now.
- Yeah.

- 11 new fans.
- Yeah, that's right.

Have you considered extra security?

It's not about quantity,
Clyde, it's about quality.

- So sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Eight are women.

And, uh, some even show

quite a bit of cleav in
the old Twitter avatar.


But you don't care about that...
you got a girlfriend, right?

No, Clyde, the pressures of fame are many.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, sure, a lot of people enjoyed the content

of my TED Talk, but I
also took off my shirt.

So... secret's out.

Tess understands that I'm a
lot of women's hall pass now.

(A): It was completely unnecessary for you

- to go shirtless in your TED Talk.
- Oh, I disagree.

(And B): You're telling me that
Tess went up to you and said,

"I know that women are
gonna want to fuck you now"?

Those were her exact words to you?

Well, no. I haven't actually had a chance

to speak with her since the TED Talk.

- Wow, that was over a week ago, right?
- Was it?

- Yeah.
- Oh, wow, time flies in a whirlwind, huh?

- You guys seem rock solid.
- Yeah.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

I'm happy you're figuring it out.

- Yeah, we'll be fine. Yeah.
- Uh.

- You'll be-you'll be fine.
- I think so.

- Jeannie Beans.
- Hey.

How was the meet and greet?

You have pancakes or
waffles or did you do both?

You can't have pancakes and waffles, Clyde.

Are you fucking crazy?

- It was fine.
- Ah.

I have to admit, I was a
little bit nervous about

you and Seth getting together.

Really? I hadn't picked up on that.

But I'm clearly out of
touch with the electorate,

because, honestly, people have
been really responding to you

at these campaign events...
I mean, fucking you.

- Jeannie? Really?
- I know!

Fuck you both. I'm a delight.


- Oh, Douglas.
- Hmm?

Your fantasy is finally coming true.

We are gonna meet with a boy band.

Very funny.

Not even close. No, no, no.

No, the puerile sounds of boy
bands are poison to my ears,

and the only antidote is Steely Dan.

Ah. You like yacht rock.

- Mm-hmm.
- Shocker.

D'ream Out Loud has been an
unparalleled success for CMG.

You might have heard

their song "Summertime Girl."

It was on the radio, like,
every second of every day.

I don't think so.

♪ In your eyes ♪

♪ Took me to paradise ♪

♪ Sun-kissed skin and
the tide was high ♪

♪ I'll never say good-bye ♪

♪ 'Cause... ♪

♪ You're my summertime girl ♪

♪ Let me take you for a whirl ♪

♪ Let me take you
for a whirl... ♪

I had no idea I knew all
the words to that song.

Sorry, tell me again why we're
chasing the pale imitation

of New Kids on the Block?

Oh, because since 2012, D'ream Out Loud

has racked up 50 million in record sales,

- 19 number ones worldwide,
- Oof.

and over 7.5 million
in concert tickets sold.


But the real star of the group

is that guy, Conner Sanders.

He's the newer, shinier
version of Harry Styles.

He's no Jordan Knight.

Yeah, definitely tell him that.

Look, their new contracts
have been sitting on

their lawyer's desk for ten months.

Apparently, they're sitting out

their current deals so
they can be free to do

whatever the fuck it is
retired teen idols do.

I can tell you what Joey Fatone did.

- Ruined My Big Fat...
- My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

We got it, Doug. Jesus Christ.

- Shut up about that.
- Well, he did.

Listen, D'ream Out Loud
may sound like bullshit,

literally and figuratively,

but we are gonna go after
them like any other client.

We get D'ream Out Loud, we get CMG.

When I was in fourth grade,
somebody ripped down my poster

of Jordan Knight from my cubbie.

And I knew Erin Hart had
something to do with it.

She was such a fucking bitch.


Uh, re-sign them and get rich. Yeah.

Welcome back. Good.

♪ You're my summertime
girl, let me... ♪

♪ Let me take you for a... ♪

I'm not... I don't need to... Get out.

- Yeah.
- Get out.

♪ Let me take you
for a whirl... ♪

- Get out!
- Yep.

Wining and dining

a bunch of haircuts at Dave & Busters.

- This is new.
- I don't get it.

They have millions of dollars in the bank.

They couldn't have chosen
a place with tablecloths?

Hey, they love it here, so we love it here.

There's Conner!

Three of these things

is not like the other.

Well, Conner's the linchpin.

There's Conner!

So if we take down the alpha,

the rest shall follow.


Well, what do you think?

Welcome to paradise, homies.

It's like the dah-ream come true.

Who's up for air hockey, yo?


Conner, over here! Come!

Should we do

Us against glasses and Jew-fro.

Wow, can't pass that up.

Conner! Conner!

D'ream Out Loud!

So, uh, what is better,

the Tie-Dye Snow Cone or
the Ruby Red Mega Margarita?

I like the Strawberry Watermelon Margarita.

It's made with berry blocks.

Berry blocks?

Can we please have two of those right away?

Thank you.

So what's up, pimpin'?

Hear you, uh, are gonna go solo?

- Mm-hmm.
- Dope.

Look, I'll, um, I'll have a drink with you,

but let's-let's skip the whole thing

where you try to talk me into re-signing.


I had this whole audio/visual

presentation set up, too:

I was gonna have graphs and fireworks

and dancing girls and shit,
it was gonna be awesome.

You know what, Kori?

Let's just kill the PowerPoint.

So... what?

You're seriously not gonna
try to convince me to re-sign?

Sounds like you already
made up your mind, right?

Fuck it.

Oh, here we go.

Okay, so what do you want to drink to?

Uh... No, I got it.

We will drink to

your last two weeks of financial security.

What? What-what are you talking about?

Oh, my God, that's delicious.

Well, I looked at your financials.

Mm. And...


I'm not gonna try to sell you.

Forget it.

Y-You're... you're doing great.

I mean, you're gonna be Justin Timberlake.

Fuck it, you're gonna be
bigger than Justin Timberlake.

But you know what I am gonna do?

I'm gonna go work on my jumper.

You got this, right, playboy?

Sure. Okay.

Damn, girl, why you dressed like

we're at a business meeting or something?

Oh. Because we're at a business meeting.

Yeah, you need some bling.

I'm gonna win you a necklace.

You don't have to w...


You know, I don't think I
could do what you're doing.

Risking it all.

It's like we sing in the
song "Follow Your Heart."

You've go to follow your heart.

- Oh, those are the lyrics.
- Oh, is that what it means?

Plus, D'ream Out Loud
can be a drag sometimes.

Yeah. I mean, having millions of dollars

and an endless supply of women

sounds like a real nightmare.

Conner gets paid more than us.

We should be getting equal pay,

closing that wage gap and shit.

Ooh! Eat it, bitch!

- The hell was that, Clyde?
- Are you serious?

Gotta get your head in the game.

You're on defense.


So, uh...

my business manager says I'm set.

Oh, word? Yeah, word. Word.


Yeah. Says even if I never
sell a single solo album,

which is, like, basically impossible,

Joel assures me I have enough
money to last two lifetimes.

Oh, Joel assured you. Yeah.

Well, I'm sure he has your
best interests at heart.

I mean...

he is a business manager in
the music industry, after all.

I knew you were
bullshitting me before, man.

- What, what?
- You're trying to scare me.

That's what you're trying to do.

Yeah, I'm the boogeyman.

Let me tell you what the
boogeyman sees, Conner.

A kid who is spending $650,000 a month

on expenses...

That's a huge fucking nut, buddy.

Well, I have investments.

Yeah, like your $11 million dollar house

that you bought at the height
of the real estate bubble?

We'll see.

Next time you talk to Joel,

ask him about his private offshore account,

how it just keeps mysteriously growing.

My guess is that

he isn't paying your taxes.

Let me see... you also have

a six-month
non-compete clause,

if you don't re-sign.

I don't know, man.

Think your fans are gonna wait that long?

I mean, teenage girls have
the attention span of...

well, a teenage girl.

But, hey!

You are Conner Sanders,

lead singer of D'ream Out Loud,

king of the fuckin' world.

Nothing scares you, right?

- Conner...
- I love you!

Hey, Conner!


Over here!

All right, well, after she falls asleep,

will you wash the rest of the bottles?


Okay, thank you.

Oh, my God, you actually won it.


Yo, that claw machine is hella hard,

but I got it on the 15th try.

That's a personal best, all right?

Well, if you stay in the band,

you'll keep being able to
spend hundreds of dollars

on claw machine necklaces.

It's not about the money.

Everyone says it's not about the money

until they don't have the money.

Thank you.

You know, honestly, I never even
wanted to be in D'ream Out Loud.

Conner convinced me it was
gonna be cool, you know,

and then I-I made him swear

that we were always
gonna be tight and then...

Conner went full asshole.

But that does not change the fact

that you are in the
most successful boy band

on the planet,

and that is a lot to walk away from.

What's the point of being rich
and famous if I'm not happy?

Feel me?


I feel you.

Whoa, damn, your shit's blowing up.

Sorry. Just let me...

No, no, no, it's good.

What the fuck?

- Look over...
- Hi!

I see the struggles of
Angelenos every single day.

I myself am currently dating
a single mother... Jeannie...

but she works incredibly hard

to put food on the table
for her infant daughter.

Some days, she's
even out of the house

before her baby wakes up.

By the time she's back home,
her baby's already asleep.

Watching her face these challenges,

it reminds me every single day

how this great city
is full of heroes

just like Jeannie.

So the question voters will...

What the fuck was that?

I'm sorry, am I...

am I some sort of crazy
crack whore charity case?

Shit, that dude's your boyfriend?

Yeah. Oh, total douche move.

I thought we were casually
dating, but apparently, to him,

I'm the poster child for single motherhood.

And I'm co-parenting,

by the way. Yeah.

Not to mention, you
know he expects me to go

to every single one of
these fucking events.

Showing up and smiling
when you don't feel like it.

Being a part of-of some
story that you didn't write.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

I would never do that to you.

I'd treat you like a queen.

- Mm, no tongue. I... no.
- No?

Ahem. Jeannie.

Marty wants to talk.

Shut up, Doug.

Guys, why do we have to
be in the women's room?

So the boys can't get in.

Ah, I'm so sorry, you
gotta get out of here.

- I'm building something.
- I have to go!

Okay, I think I got Conner.

- I'm just gonna have to give him a push.
- Mm-hmm.

So where you at with your guys?

Uh, Hunter and Ryder want parity.

- I guess we can make that work.
- Sadly,

Sam thinks Conner is the
biggest asshole on the planet

and he's dead set on leaving the band.

Do these guys not realize

that they are nothing but very lucky,

glorified fucking backup dancers?

Look, I think if we can get

Conner to agree to
parity, then we have three.

- Yeah.
- I think we can sell that to CMG.

Fuck that.

Look out.

Or we could fuck that.

I guess we're gonna fuck that.

I'm with Conner.


Need to talk to you for a second.

You already fucked with my head enough.

Can you leave me alone?

I think you're gonna want to hear this,

unless, of course, you
don't want to go solo.

Conner! Conner!

Seth is calling.

You gonna pick it up?


No? You have 11 missed calls.

You have to fuckin' talk to him.

Do I, Clyde?

Yes, you do, Jeannie.

Yes, you do.

Hey, Seth, what's going on?

Yeah. She's right here.

I don't know.

Must be broken.

Phone for you, Jeannie.

Are you fucking serious?

Sorry, I'm such a butterfingers.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Jeannie?

Are you ghosting him?

I might be.

Tell me what it is and
I'll tell you if I am.

It's when you break up with somebody

just by never talking to them again.

It's cold as shit.

It's what Charlize did to Sean Penn.

I mean, she was all,

"I'm a ghost, bitch."

Hey, do you have any dry rice?

No, but we have spicy Thai peanut noodles.

No, I... Nope, I don't...

Nope, I don't want that.

How long do you... do you,
do you not talk to someone

before it's ghosting?

I'd say, like,

- five, maybe six days.
- Yeah.

- That's cool. Yeah. That's cool.
- Douglas...

- Hmm?
- How long has it been since your last Tess Talk?

Eight-eight days.

- You're being ghosted.
- You been ghosted.

- Yeah. - For sure.
- Boo, man.

Damn it.

Yo. I'm, uh, I'm taking off.

Conner, come on. Don't do that.

Just tell 'em what you told me.

It's gonna be great. Go ahead, tell 'em.

I've been an asshole

and I'm sorry. Okay?

Yeah, you've been a real fucking asshole.

Yeah. Yeah, I know, you're
totally right, but...

you're my bro, bro.

You're all my bros.

Honestly, I appreciate
you saying all this, but...

Yeah, no, I get it, man,
I get it, words are cheap.

But I think we can get
back to the way things were.

When we had fun.

Yo, honestly, that's all we wanted.

And equal pay.

Absolutely. Equal pay.


What do you say?

Yeah, okay.

- ♪ Dre... ♪
- ♪ Dre... ♪

♪ Dre... ♪

♪ D'ream... ♪

Out Loud!


Stuck the landing!

- Nice!
- Okay, goose bumps.

Feel great!

I mean...

band's back together, stronger than ever.


Old wounds healed, rifts
just... just mended.


We're just fucking over
the backup dancers, right?

Yeah, I guess another way
you could look at it is,

we gonna win that fucking consult.

By rallying around the alpha,

everyone else be damned, huh?

What's wrong with that?

Jeannie kissed Sam.

She 100% did. She did what?

- Right. I saw it.
- 100% yes.

It was totally...

almost totally chaste.

- Well, I think there's only one thing left to do.
- Huh?

- Huh?
- ♪ Kaan... ♪

- ♪ Kaan ♪
- ♪ Kaan ♪

- Now Jeannie says it with us.
- ♪ Kaan... ♪

♪ Kaan... ♪

...and Associates!

That's it for me.

- That's it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Are we all stopping?
- Yeah.

I actually think I-I can do
one... I can do one better.

- Just, just come on.
- Let it go, Doug.

♪ Kaan... ♪
You guys are out? Okay.



Jeannie, Jeannie.

What's going on? Why
haven't you called me back?

I'd love to talk about this,

but I'm on my way to
pick up my food stamps.

What... Come on.

You're overreacting, okay?

Look, I'm-I'm sorry if
you didn't understand

- what I was saying.
- I understood.

My life is being pulled in a
ton of different directions,

and I need to make it easier.

Okay. Well, let's-let's
take a weekend away.

That's why I think we should break up.

Wait... What?!

Wait, hold on, hold on.

If this, if this is
about the speech, don't...

If I'm being honest,

I just don't like you enough.

Everybody likes me.

Mm... not everybody, apparently.

Look, Jeannie, you're wrong, okay?

You-you-you just don't
know how you feel.

What are you doing? Y-You can't
just never talk to me again.

Actually, I can.

I'm a ghost, bitch.

Oh, shit!

Ya got burnt, son.

Shit, man, were you guys
fighting because we kissed?

'Cause, like, she was just, like,

really upset about what you said, dawg.

- What?!
- Hey, hey!

- Whoa, whoa!
- Keep your hands off my boy, man!



Long time, no talk.


I was fucking pissed.

You were a jerk at the TED Talk...

I know.

...after all of the support I gave you,

after I basically handed the TED
Talk to you on a golden platter.

Ooh, I wouldn't say "handed it to me..."

Whatever, Doug.

I just came in person to
tell you that we're over.

Hey, hey.


We still have your business, right?

God damn.


I cannot believe I never
saw what a dick you are.

You know what, Doug?

Fuck you.


You can keep my business on one condition.

What? Anything.

Make me Dungeon Master

or I'll leave K and A.

No, but seriously...

I'm deadly serious.

Well, bad news.

We lost Tess's business.

The fuck are you talking about?

I'm as surprised as you are. Yeah.

Well, did she say why?

I don't know. A woman scorned?

She was unreasonable. I tried everything.

- I know you're lying...
- Hmm?

...I just don't know how.

Guys, let's just focus on this, okay?

- We're gonna crush this.
- Yeah.

- Then I'm gonna fuckin' crush you.
- What?

- Hey, hey!
- Hey!

- Hey...
- Look at all these happy faces.

Let's start by
congratulating D'ream Out Loud

on re-signing with CMG

for five more years!

All right!

Five more years!

- I'll drink to that.
- Five more years!

How 'bout we do this, fellas?

Show these guys what their next
five years looks like, Clyde.

Here we go.

The baseline pro forma,
if the band continues

on the same trajectory,
is a five-year CAGR of

14% with an NPV of $120 million.

I don't know what those "words" mean,

but $120 mil sounds dope.

That is very dope.

But you know what?

We can do even better.

Oh, well, then let's do better.

You got it.

All right, first things first.

Conner will announce that
he is leaving the band.

- What?
- Wait, what is...

You're leaving the band?
Leaving our band?

- That's not good.
- Guys. Guys. Guys.


Then the band will announce

that it is doing a Good-Bye Conner Tour.

That Good-Bye Conner
Tour raises year one NPV

to $170 million.

Conner will then record a solo album

featuring a duet with CMG

recording artist Katy Perry and a tour.

We can assume two charting singles

and sold-out intimate venues.

And, of course, there's
the solo Conner tour merch.

What have we got? Hoodies, posters...

yarmulkes, maybe, Conner?

- Think about it.
- That pulls in

a very conservative $62 million dollars,

raising the NPV to $230 million.

$230 million.

Meanwhile, DOL will continue to tour.

Then, after a year,

Conner will realize that

he can't live without the band.

He just misses his boys too much.

There will be a reunion tour.

The tour will be a marquee venue

global event with premium tiered pricing.

After tickets and other
ancillaries, we're looking at a

mid-range five year of $320 million.

That is almost

three times the baseline.

Just hang on a second.

You only apologized to us

so that we would resign?

No. I meant every word of what I said.

- You guys really are my brothers.
- Oh, yeah.

And equal pay was bullshit, too,

- or what? I mean...
- Now, no... - You...

Hold it. Everyone in DOL,

the four of you, will have parity.


They don't know what it means.

That means equal pay.

It's, everybody's gonna
make the same. Yeah.

- DO... Yes.
- Across the board, yes.

DOL will have equal pay. However, Conner

will have a separate solo contract.

But in D'ream Out Loud, we're equal.


- Oh, hell, yeah!
- Yeah.

Boom! My brother!

- There you go.
- Get that money, man.

Yeah, let's get the money.

- Yarmulkes.
- Yarmulkes.

- Bring it in, boys.
- Yeah.

Shots for everybody, yo!

You knew I wanted out.

You played me.

Before you get too upset,

you're about to make a
whole hell of a lot of money.

Yeah? Man, fuck you.

Fuck you!

Hey, you'll be okay.

- Douglas?
- Oh.

My office.

Ah, shit.

Hey, Jeannie?

Can I get that MALD, please?


- Thank you.
- That was shitty,

what we did in there.

Yeah, well, sorry that
your pop idol boyfriend

is mad at you, but look on the bright side.

You'll probably end up in a song.

Don't-don't give me the look, okay?

We have done worse than that.

You personally

have done far worse.

I know. I know. We screw people

over all the time, and I get it when

it's to build the business up for us,

but if we're just gonna
hand the whole thing over

to Skip Galweather...

I'm... what's the point?

The point is money, Jeannie.

We already have a lot of money, Marty.

And more money... isn't
gonna make you any happier.

You know what? Maybe you're right, okay?

But winning will.

Hey, I just want to say thanks so much

for all your fuckin' help.

I want to... How'd she help?

- Hey, hey, keep your hands off my boy, man.
- What's tha...

It's not funny.

- I'm just...
- It's not.

Okay. I'm just saying,
the dude's got my vote now.

You did amazing work.

Followed every lead, did everything right.

Nothing you could have done.

Nothing I could have done?


Lost the fucking CMG account, huh?

How does that happen, Ron?

We fucking killed that shit.

We got CMG.

Skip just called.

Told me that he and the Kohl
brothers are going with Monica.

'Cause we lost.


Well, you know what?

That doesn't give us a
whole lot of time, does it?

Uh, doesn't give us any time.

Did you hear what I just said?

Well, until they sign on that dotted line,

we can still win this thing.

We just got to bring the Kohl
brothers something fuckin' huge.

K and A can lasso another
company, I don't care how huge,

it's not gonna move the dial.

I-I didn't say "company."

What about a country?


You still have a connection in Cuba, right?

Your contact.

I don't know if Cuba's
ready for the Kohl brothers.

Let's make 'em ready.


Let's get fucking Cuba.

♪ Mm, mm, mm, ah, ah ♪

♪ Mm, mm-mm ♪

♪ The first moment
I saw you, I knew ♪

♪ I can never let you go ♪

♪ You came out of the water ♪

♪ Shimmer like no
diamond ever known ♪

♪ 'Cause you're my
summertime girl ♪