House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 4, Episode 5 - House of Lies - full transcript

Jeannie opposes Marty's plan when things between Ellis and Maya boil over; Clyde develops feelings.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Stop it! Stop it!

Okay, let's rally.

Previously, on House of Lies:

Who's the best engineer
that's ever worked here?

Maya Lindholm.
Boom. There it is.

"Gage Cofounders Reunite
in Historic Partnership."

Now we just have to get
them to officially come to terms.

I have an idea for an app.
It's basically Uber,

but with doctors.
With doctors.

Kind of brilliant, Kelse.

What if I came on board?


I made a solemn vow, like,
six months ago not to date

any assholes for a year,
so... mark your calendar.

With this Gage account
coming in, all this attention,

we're gonna be fucking huge.

When are you gonna
rape and pillage my company?

I think I'm gonna stick
to raping and pillaging you.

? Up in San Francisco ?

? Where the forest
meets the bridge ?

? I thought I saw you
standing there ?

? And then you fell ?

? Into the well ?

? But that was many years ago ?

? I am so much older now ?

? My brother is a soldier now ?

? I can't see... ?


I want you all to be sure
to thank Auntie Denna

for sponsoring our table today.

Thank you, Auntie Denna.

That was a little creepy,
but you're welcome.

Hey, uh, any chance
of Auntie Denna bidding

on that Aspen ski trip
in the silent auction

for destitute little Dougie?

No. That's too far.
I get it. I'm sorry.

You know, we should be
holding a fundraiser for us.

No. We'll be fine.

As soon as this merger
goes through,

we will be back
to buying our own caviar

in support
of starving children everywhere.

I'm eating for two now, asshole.

Two what?

Hey, Marty, you made it.

And you brought Denna Altshuler.

Wow, I am impressed.

Any chance you'll be donating

some of last year's
crude oil earnings to the kids?

Ah, gosh, kind of got
that money earmarked

for this giant blood diamond

that caught my eye,
but... we'll see.


wow, you are absolutely glowing.

I'm a bloated sack of meat

stuffed into a cocktail dress,
but thank you.


You know, I envy you.

Becoming a mother for
the very first time.

Wow, your heart is just
about to open right up.

It-it makes you

in the most...
beautiful ways

you never dreamed possible.

Num num!
Hey, sweetheart!

All righty!


Good job! There you go.

Some num nums.

That's nice.

it is.

Speaking of selfless,
where the fuck is Ellis?

I thought I made it clear
I expected his support today.

Oh, you did, you did, and, uh,

I assure you Ellis is

fully supportive.

Well, Ellis saying
he supports me

is one thing, but actually

showing up is quite another.
Hey, Jeannie, can you...

Yeah, I'm gonna make
a phone call right now.

Uh, excuse me.

I hope nothing bad happened to him.

Trust me, it hasn't.

Oh, I'm sure he's on the way.

And if things

don't work out with Ellis, maybe
you can find me another one

of your prison buddies
to partner with.

Okay, Maya.


Earth Mother's got fangs.

Nice tits, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just thinking that.

No way around that.

Hey, Ellis, it's Jeannie again.

Please give me a call
when you get this.

It's very important. Thanks.


Let me call from your phone.

I guess I did slap him around
pretty good.

You think?

Yeah, I, uh,
meant to mention that to you.

You do understand that's not

an acceptable
parenting technique, right?

Didn't you hear Maya?

My heart is about
to open right up.


Marty, you need
to call off your dogs.

Ellis, it's the dog.

Listen, we're all at
Maya's charity event.

Yeah, I'm not coming to that.

Kind of swamped with work.

Well, we talked about this.

Maya really wants you here.

And I want to be able
to run my company

without her interference,
but that's not happening.

I'm letting her come back,
so I think I've done enough.

If anything,
she's the one who should be

bending over backwards
to support my charities.

You don't have any charities.

That's because philanthropy
is bullshit.

Ever heard of H.L. Mencken?

He said,
"The urge to save humanity

is almost always a false front
for the urge to rule."

Ok... oh, listen, Ellis,
that's not anything...

No, you listen!
I've done enough

Maya ass-kissing
for one lifetime.

If anyone's ass here deserves
to be kissed, it's mine.

Not her ass.

My ass. Mine!

You know what, your ass is
not gonna be kissed, Ellis.

It's not. Do you know why?

Because there is a crisis
of confidence at Gage.

Maya is the solution.

Do you have any idea
what would happen

if she decides not to go through
with this merger?

Your stock prices will plummet,

your board will revolt,

and you will be voted
out of your own company.

Because, as much
as your fragile fucking ego

hates to admit it,

you've never been
more successful

than when the two of you
have worked together.

So, please, stop being a pussy,

and put the bullshit of the past
behind you, and just get here.

And I promise
I won't hit you again.

I'd like to talk
to Marty, please.


Hey, hey, buddy.

Marty, what the fuck?

Okay, listen, listen.

That was Jeannie
with the bad news.

Now, are you ready
for the good news?

Because it is very good.

We are on the verge

of getting everything
that you want.

Everything that you deserve.

We just need to keep Maya happy

until those merger papers
are signed.

So please, just get down here.

Shake some hands.

Make a big, fat contribution.

And, you know,
just do what you do best.

Impress the hell
out of everybody.

I'll be there in 20.

Oh, he's-he's coming.


Let's just stay positive.

Oh, positive? He's coming!

He's coming! He's coming!

How much more positive
can that get?

So I'm gonna start
saying numbers,

and you tell me
when to stop, all right?

Clyde, I stopped breast-feeding
at an appropriate age,

so let's drop it.
Of course, of course, of course.

One? Two?

I'm not engaging in
this conversation.


Four? Doug, were you four?
I'm not...

I'm not engaging.

Were you breast-feeding at five years old?
Oh, my God.

Of course I wasn't
breast-feeding at five.

That's insane.
Of course.

So it was four.

Oh, my God!
I'm not engaging in this conversation.

I told you that.
That is so old.

That's ridiculous.
Hey, sorry I'm late.

Flight was delayed.
What'd I miss?

Bully just tricked
the gullible one

into admitting he breast-fed
till he was four.

I'm Kelsey.


That's a Chanel dress
you're wearing.

Least it used to be.

Why would you spend thousands

on a dress just
to cut holes in it?

I didn't spend thousands.
My mother did.


This dress really
cost thousands?


So, Denna...
Okay, Marty.

- Oh, my God. - You're probably wondering
what Kelsey is doing here.

Well, as you know, we're
exploring the possibility

of a telecommunications

Kelsey's here to help us secure
seed money for our start-up. Okay?

Why do you two idiots
keep bringing this shit up?

I'm not bringing it up.
I could give a fuck. Get out of here.

I got to talk to Denna privately. Go away.

Put that to bed.
Make it faster.

You're not doing it fast enough.

Sure. Sure.
Go away.

Okay, I found out something very
interesting on this consult.

Maya has given partial ownership
of her company

to the grad students
that work for her.

Aw, that's super sweet,

and profoundly stupid.

So stupid.

And I may need
to leverage that stupidity

to help this merger go through.

So, big oil magnates
in the Bay Area.

You got anybody like
that in your Rolodex?

Yeah, Cal Manchester.

Cal fucking Manchester?

Do you think Cal
would be interested

in coming on down here
to help these starving kids?

Depends on what's in it for him.

How about a major setback

in the mass production
of Maya's electric car?

Yeah, I think he'd like that.

Well, then, uh...

That was a phone sound.

I know. Shh, shh, shh.
That was... Yeah.

I will start us off,

get them hot
with some earning projections,

carried interest payouts,

then you, Kelsey,
you finish them off

with a little technical jargon
happy ending.


Who died and made you Marty?

I'm sorry, Douglas.

Do you have something to say?

Or do you want to stick with
the passive-aggressive mumbling?

Well, I was just wondering

if you've even considered
any alternatives.

Oh, my God, like what?

Have you pitch?

Well, I mean,

some people find
your presentation style

a little aggressive
and off-putting.

There, I said it.
Fuck you.

Oh, of course.
How foolish of me to worry.

"Of course.
How foolish of me to worry."

Hey, I have a lot riding
on this, Clyde.

You know I'm having
money issues.

Holy shit.

That's Danny Buckingham.

Who's Danny Buckingham?

"Who's Danny Buckingham?"

It's this Web site
that provides HTML

tutorials for tweens.
It sold for, like,

$65 million. One of you
should go talk to him.

I will go talk to him,
and do you know why?

Because, out of the three of us,
you're the most childish?

No. Because I can relate
to him in a way that you

never could. One child prodigy to another.

Excuse me.
God. Except you were never a child prodigy.

He was never a child prodigy.

That's okay. That's not
really Danny Buckingham.


Hey. Mr. Buckingham, hi.

My name is Doug Guggenheim,
and I would like to tell you

about a mobile app that's
going to revolutionize

the medical industry.

So, cool if I chill
with you for a sec?

Okay, terrific.

Hey, hey. There he is.

The bigger man.

The fuck is this?

What is this?
That's a bid sheet.

It's a clipboard.

Because nothing says
we're at the forefront

of cutting-edge innovation
like a fucking clipboard.

Maybe don't worry
so much about the clipboard.

Yeah, it's just
a clipboard, Ellis.

Yeah, it makes us look
antiquated by association,

but that's fine.

Perception's not really
important in our world.

One Child, One Spirit.

One gag reflex.

You hear what I said,
Marty? One gag reflex.

One gag...That's very funny. Very funny.

All right, let's get this
over with. Where's Maya?

She i...


Okay, look, let's just
go over and say hi.

I don't need a babysitter,
Marty. I can handle Maya.

Okay? I got this.

He's got this.


He don't got this. He don't

got this.
Where's he going?

It's... Just wants to...
He's excited.

...say a few words.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Ellis Hightower.

I'm the founder and CEO
of Gage Motors.

Thank you.

Today, I am writing a check
in the amount of $1 million

to Maya's
One Child, One Spirit charity.

- Hey, that's good, right? That's good.
- Yes.

Yes, who wouldn't feel compelled
to applaud that?

A great name for a great cause.

Fantastic. Now, just step away
from the mic, buddy.

You know, it was H.L. Mencken
who wrote...

Jesus Christ.

"The urge to save humanity

"is almost always a false front
for the urge to rule.

"Power is what all messiahs
really seek,

not the chance to serve."

So please, everyone,
raise your glass

in a toast-- to Maya.

Who may very well be
the exception to the rule.

To Maya.

To Maya.

To Maya.

Yeah, well, she seems happy.

And thirsty.

He is such a piece of shit.

Uber for Doctors. Okay.

Here's my concern:

A large percentage
of your market is seniors

who don't know how
to use their cell phones.

Yeah, well, Kelsey's
developed an algorithm

to make navigation
unbelievably simple.

Kelsey, hit him with it.

What it does is it calculates...

I just need to know
if the geriatrics

are a potential revenue source.

Absolutely. 100%.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Only takes a second
to walk you through it.

It's a pretty cool
algorithm, actually...

Yeah, I'm sure it's
a "pretty cool algorithm,"

but I'm good, sweetie.

Yeah, yeah,
you know what?

We're of course going after
the older demographic...

No, you're right.
It's a much better idea

to pour your money into something
that you don't understand.

It's super smart... sweetie.

Hey, you know what?
I have some projections

of start-up costs...
Actually, that's okay.

We're gonna pass.
I think will help out...come on...

You're gonna pass.

What do you mean?
You don't want my money?

You're an asshole,
so you don't get to invest.

That's a funny joke.

And you're being hilarious right now.

No, I'm not.

So thank you for your time.
You can go away now.

Nice dress.

Fuck off!

Come on!

We have a solid
business plan, right?

Yeah. And I'd like to get
some money to fund it.

Well, I know my algorithm
fucking rocks.

So we don't need to pander
to some rich asshole

who doesn't give a shit.

Let's pander to some
rich asshole who does.

So you're fucking crazy.

I mean, that's a given, right?

Oh, you're not even
gonna talk back.

Mr. Manchester,
over here, please.

Big oil's full of shit.


Okay, okay, that's enough.

Hey, and see if
some of those can't

find their way to the Internet.

Let 'em know Cal Manchester
loves starvin' kids.


Y-You know what I mean.

I could use some good press.


Swear to Christ, every
goddamn story about me

is all "ecological
nightmare" this

and "raper of the Earth" that.

Well, I am glad
to help you out with that.



What's that? Again.

Marty is the one who brought

Ellis and Maya together.

You're welcome.

Not so sure I want to
thank you for that

so much as rip your head off

and piss on your
bloody neck stump.

Hey, good to meet you, Billy.


Okay, so enlighten me, Marty.

How does a merger that
gives Maya the ability

to produce her electric car
for the masses help me?

Well, it doesn't.

Unless, of course,

producing an electric car
for the masses

isn't a part of Ellis's
vision for the future.

You saying it's not?

Ford or Ferrari--

who do you think
Ellis wants to be?

With this merger,

Maya's dream of mass production

is effectively neutralized.

Without it, however,

Maya is free to take her highly
sought-after technology anywhere.

And it will get made.
Yes, it will.

But the merger is happening.

The only question
is what part will you play

in making it happen.

Because what you don't know is

Maya is only a partial
owner of her company.

There you are.

So sorry to interrupt.

Can I talk to you
for one second?

Uh, you are interrupting.

It's kind of important.

All right, then.

Uh, excuse me?

So, Cal...

how have you been?

Uh, I could really use your help
with Ellis and Maya right now.

Jeannie, I was in the middle
of something back there...

Oh, yeah, I saw.
With, uh, Cal Manchester.

The president of Compass Oil.


So I guess we have a new plan?

Bully Maya into the merger
by having Cal threaten a buyout?

We are providing Maya
with a valuable life lesson.

You give partial
ownership of your company

to your fucking grad students,
you're gonna get fucked.

Wait, wait, wait--
I thought the goal here

was an amicable partnership.

If Maya and Ellis get along,

it makes our lives
that much easier going forward.

Jeannie, we tried
getting these...

Bullshit we tried.

They haven't even talked.

So, after everything
that's gone on

between the two of them,
you think getting them talking,

that's what's gonna help things?

No, probably better to take
the same slash and burn,

scorched earth approach you take

with everything else
in your life.

Cal is a contingency plan.

And it's a good one
to have in place.

If you were looking at
this thing objectively,

you would see that.

Okay... I'm gonna keep trying

to make our lives easier,

if you wouldn't mind waiting

to pull the pin on the
Cal Manchester grenade.


Good luck, Jeannie Bean.

I'll take a break on
the slashin' and burnin'.


Some exorbitant bids.

That-that's for a good cause.

But, uh, look, Danny, I really
would love to buy you something--

trust me-- but, uh...

well, the truth is...

I'm a little cash poor
at the moment.

Now, all that's gonna change,
once we get this app launched,

so, uh, have you given any more
thought to investing?

No pressure.

I'm still thinking.

It's a great opportunity, no doubt.

Yeah. No doubt.

No doubt.

Hey, how 'bout this--

how 'bout, instead of me
buying you something here,

I just write you a sweet
college recommendation?

What? Uh-huh. I put in
a good word at my alma mater.

It's a good school.

It's a great school, actually.

No, it's the Harvard
of the East, if you will.

It's Harvard.
I went to Harvard.

College is bullshit.

Ooh, not sure about that.

Yeah, okay, sure, it's bullshit.
It's total bullshit.

I want the basket.

But that's... alcohol.

I mean, I can't...

Danny, I can't buy you alcohol.

That's okay.
I get it.

You're broke,
and you've got all these

judgmental assholes everywhere.

Exactly. Yeah.

It's really more about
the judgmental assholes.

So here's what you do:

You go down to the liquor store,

buy me a couple bottles of vodka
and a pack of cigarettes.

It'll be our little secret.

Uh... no.

I mean, I can't, Danny.
I'm sorry.


I guess you don't want me
to fully fund your venture.

I... no, I...
That's fine.

Wait, Danny, Danny...


So what's your brand?

Anyway, I was in preschool

when I realized I was
destined for greatness.

I also realized in preschool

that my teacher was
trying to undermine me.

She didn't believe in me...
because she was a cunt.

Uh, Maya,

did Ellis tell you about
the, uh, daycare center

he has planned for the
employees at Gage?

A daycare center? Really?

Well, he felt
it was long overdue.

Didn't you, Ellis?

Uh, yep. Sure.

Uh, why don't you
let me hold him?

People say I have a
calming presence.

Her. It's a girl.

Are you sure?

You're asking if I know the sex
of my own child?

Well, adopted child.

You have so many, I thought
maybe you got confused.

Okay, just take her.

You're okay.

So, when does the
merger become official?

The documents will be
signed and ready on Monday.

And it can't come
soon enough, because,

while Maya built a great
little company for herself,

it's time for her to come
back to the big leagues

where she belongs.

make no mistake about it--

I plan to lead us

into the future, and the future

is coming faster
than anyone anticipated.


What is your problem?

My problem?
My problem is that

you are the same pompous,
dismissive, arrogant

prick that you've always been.

You just say these things
that are supposed

to be profound.

They mean absolutely nothing.

"The future is coming faster

than any of us
could have anticipated"?

Fuck you!

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Good luck.

Women, right, guys?



I understand how you feel.

Okay, believe me.

But he's here, you
know, and he's trying.

I am sure it looks
that way to you.

He just donated
a million dollars

to your charity.

We will never see
that money, Jeannie.

Just like there's never
gonna be a daycare center.

Ellis is the king of
making grandiose promises

and then never
following through.

Then why did you even
want him here?

I don't know. I guess maybe

I wanted to witness
the new humility

you said he had found.

I thought maybe he had changed.

He has changed.

And he will
write you that check.

It's not just about the check.

It's everything.

Soon as he opened up his mouth,
it all came flooding back.

Just how miserable I was
during the whole Ellis era.

Okay, well,
we have a deal in place that...

I realize this puts you
in a difficult situation,

and I am so sorry for that,

but I'm not signing those papers.


Please, please just hear me out.

It's so weird,
'cause I've never

been attracted to a girl like
this before, but Kelsey's great.

You know?

Smart, funny,
knows exactly what she wants.

My main concern is
the physical attraction

in the long term.

You know, sometimes, I think
I hear this slight clinking,

like, "clink, clink, clink"

clinking noise
every time she walks.

I'm afraid there might be
multiple clitoral piercings.


Yeah. I'm almost certain of it.

But, like, what's the best
situation out of all this?

We get together.
Then what? We break up.

Now it's weird because
we're in business together.

So, I don't go out with her,
I do not ask her out.

It's that easy.

Ah, but I do think
she's cute, man.

I mean, I don't know.

What do you think?

You think I should probably stop
being such a pussy, huh?

Is that what you're giving me?

Fuck it.

You're right.

I'm going for it.

I'm gonna get it.


So, give it to me.

So, we will do it your way.

Jeannie, you're about to make
a horrible old man very happy.

Oh, Cal.

You were right, Marty.


Thank you.

You want me to see
if they're serving crow?

Thank you.

Who was that?

The whitest man in
the world, or...?

Uh, yeah.

Also, a guy who wants
to put up our seed money.

Are you fucking
ser...? All of it?

That's amazing.

Yeah, I, uh, managed
to find a rich investor

in the Bay Area who's
interested in technology.

Mind blown. Uh, anyway,
he wants to talk details

after this thing wraps up.
Yeah. Great.

And then after that, we should
go someplace nice to celebrate.

Just you and I should.

And we're not inviting
Doug 'cause he's broke?

Listen, I know, um, we've been
doing this little dance,

but the truth is,

I like you.

Like, I feel like there's
something special here

and we should really
see where it goes...


Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


Yeah, no.

Okay. I heard you
the first time.

I say go for it.

And you saw the part
where she said...

Just the noes.
You saw the noes.

I'll be back
from London next week.

See you then?

Can't wait.

I should say
good-bye to Cal.



Yeah, he's a little busy.

I'll tell him you
said good-bye.

It was a pleasure
watching you work today, Marty.

Thank you.

Jeannie, nice meeting you.

But I didn't get you anything.

I was about to give that
to a 15-year-old boy

to secure our seed money.
Now I'm not. Do you know why?

Because you don't trust
yourself around him?

No, because that's not really
Danny Buckingham.

Oh, my God.

Thank God I looked him up
on the cab ride back here,

- or else...
- Sorry, Doug.

I meant to tell you
before. It just...

No. Hey, it's my fault for being
the gullible one, right?

You trust people.
I like that about you.

In fact, it's one of the things
I like most about you.

Not that there's much
to choose from.

Clyde switched back
to full asshole mode

now that I won't
go out with him.

- Really?
- No.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

So she rejected you.

No, she didn't reject me.

I asked her out as a goof.

She knew I was kidding,
so she said no.

That's the only reason.
She didn't reject me.

I absolutely believe you, Clyde.

Excuse me, everyone.

So, it is time to announce

the winners
of the silent auction.

Are you fucking kid...

That's fine. That's fine.

So, it seems
that Ellis Hightower

is the highest bidder
on every item.

Of course he is.


payment is expected
by the end of the evening,

so if you were the second
highest bidder on anything,

I'd say you probably
still have a chance, so...

Here we go.

So, what's this,
a $10,000 table?

Cheap fucks.

Here, let me
reimburse you for that.

You know, I gave my
students a piece

of the company to motivate them.

You used that generosity
to fuck me over.

Hey. Come on.

Such pessimism.

Listen, maybe your students
will be immune

to the lure of Cal Manchester's

bottomless fucking pockets.

I mean, if history's
taught us anything,

it's that socialism
really works, right?

Merge with Ellis or be overtaken
by a giant oil conglomerate.

I have to hand it to all of you.

You managed to make
Ellis Hightower

the lesser of two evils.

Great fucking job.

Oh. And, Jeannie,

I wouldn't worry too much
about motherhood changing you.

People like you don't change.

Hey, fuck her.

Yeah, fuck her.

Thank you. Thank you.

One Child, One Spirit.

One high bidder.

Thank you, everybody.

Sorry about the whole
clipboard fiasco.

Next year, we're going to do
electronic bidding,

I can promise you that.

But wow, what a day
for hungry children.

Huh? Yeah.

Let's hear it. That's right.

You're welcome.

? On the Judgment Day ?

? What you gonna do ?

? On the Judgment Day? ?

? You cannot rock and roll
all the day ?

? All you gotta do
is kneel and pray ?

? What you gonna do ?

? On the Judgment Day? ?