House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 4, Episode 1 - House of Lies - full transcript

Marty is eager to grow the business; there is a new normal at Kaan and Associates.

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My name is Marty Kaan, and
I'm a management consultant.

We need to get them on
the tit. That's what we do.

Suck, motherfucker, suck.
We share a little Intel,

- play both companies against the middle.
- So illegal.

Not the way we're gonna do it.

Hey, Chantelle.

What in the...?

Grandpa's new friend.

I want to do something

really fucking stupid.

I love you.



Who the fuck let the feds

in on this thing in the first place?

I told her about the books.

- Why?
- Because I wanted the DOJ gig.

Jeannie, you're in the clear.
They're letting you skate.

I guess I taught you well, huh, Jeannie?

You out-martied Marty Kaan.

Marty, I never meant to...

All I want...

Is what?

You.

I'm done with this bullshit.

Fuck it.

So, the whole enlightenment
thing wasn't for me.



At least not in the traditional sense.

Some people believe in the
Dharma of non-attachment.

Some people believe in the
Dharma of loving kindness.

Uh...

But I've come to realize

that I believe in the
Dharma of search and destroy.

I believe in the Dharma
of take no prisoners.

I believe in the Dharma of kicking ass.

And yet, at the end of
the day, reality wins.

Okay, listen,

we're just gonna show up, pay our respects.

No big deal. Just...

Let's be there to keep the
vultures away. Claim our guy.

And we know for a fact he's coming?

That is the word on the street.

Look, I bought a card. From all of us.

"Sorry for your loss," et cetera.

Uh, problem is I think that
the prose is a little florid.

Then maybe we don't do a card
because it's fucking business.

- Also, no card. Definitely no card.
- No card, Doug. Ever.

We need to deal with this rat man situation

because he... he left me,
like, 15 messages yesterday.

No, we have set that meeting. He
is just being incredibly needy.

Why does he only ever call Jeannie?

Oh, I don't know. Her boobs.

Mm. Or maybe it's because
I'm brilliant and capable

and exude an air of quiet confidence.

No, I'm sorry. It's because
you got big old boobs.

- You sure? That's why?
- Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. And, by the way,

you have a meeting on the
books. But I think we should run

a couple more models.

- Because if we show the hours.
- I agree.

We can bill for the hours.

- This guy's got a lot of money.
- Oh, of course.

And I plan to take a lot of
his money. In order for him

- to make more money to pay us more money.
- Mmm.

So we can make more money.

I just love it when you talk about money.

Okay. Let's go.

I think you're gonna regret the card.

Yo! Martin Luther Kaan!

What up, my nigga?!

Kelsey,

hey.

I forgot to tell you.

Your tattoo artist called this morning.

He was like, "I am so sorry."

He wants to give you all
your money back. He was

actually crying on the phone.

Hey, dude. Um, next time,

just say, "I hate all women."

"But I'm especially
threatened by strong women

who see how broken I am."

Looks like someone's been
reading Clyde's diary.

That would be more honest. Um,
and, my friend, a little tip,

I would be nicer to them. Really.

Because they're gonna be stupid rich

- when their stupid app launches.
- The fact that we have to share

a space with those douchy
proto-fascist mavericks

makes me want to strap a bomb to my chest.

How 'bout you just focus on
getting your numbers up, okay?

Then we can kick 'em out or... kill 'em.

- Don't all fucking jump at once.
- Look at dum-dum.

- don't point to me, and
- Pick up the phone.

don't call me dum-dum.

- I get it all the time. You get it, Clyde.
- Fuck you!

- Pick up the phone, Doug!
- Excuse me. No, you never say

- what you're supposed to say anyway.
- There's no way I'm saying

"Good morning. Kaan and
associates management"

"and media consultants. This
is Clyde Oberholt speaking."

- How may I direct your call?"
- Why not?! That was perfect!

- It works!
- It's so long! Then show me!

- Fine. Fine. Oh, God.
- Oh, God.

Here we go.

Good morning. Kaan and
associates management

and media consultants.

- Yeah, nice air!
- This is Doug Guggenheim speaking.

How may I direct your call?

Wait. H... hello?

Damn it.

Don't you guys feel like we're...

A group of crime fighters right now?

- Oh. Ooh, like the seven samurai.
- Not seven, obviously.

There's four of us. We're the four samurai.

Oh, I think we must look awesome.

Just dressed in black. I wish
we could get a picture of us.

That would be disrespectful,
but you know what I mean.

Maybe just a quick selfie.

Hey, we good, right, Marty?
We good, we good, but we bad.

Jeannie bean, right?

You fa-zeel me?

Guggenheim, you have
got to shut the fuck up.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Like reservoir dogs.

Yes, that's better. Reservoir dogs.

Oh, my god, it's him.

Step out.

Your hands.

Let's keep the AC running.

See if you can find me an Espresso, okay?

Hey, brother.

Look at you.

Oh, look at him.

He looks better than he
did when he was alive.

Aw.

You motherless count.

Who's in the coffin?

Who gives a fuck?

I'll tell you who it ain't,

our boy Ellis Gage hightower,

CEO of Gage motors, inventor,

bad boy, tax evader,

godhead of electric cars.

No, as you can see, he's very much alive.

And we are desperate
to close his crazy ass.

This piece of business is
not just millions in the bank.

No, it's... it's legitimacy.

Street cred, vindication.

Hell, it's salvation.

In other words, it's our
ticket out of the shit-shed.

And the loogie.

Eh, don't worry about that.

It's nothing personal.
He'd unload that thing

on any member of his board
of directors. You know why?

Because they don't understand his genius.

Wah. Don't you hate that?

When they don't understand your genius?

Bruce.

You guys know Bruce Karp, my number two.

Hey, buddy. You look good.

You lost weight.

No, I didn't.

No, I guess not.

So, the rollout structure
on the new product,

it cost me a lot to get that
Fedex'd from prison, and...

You know what I was just thinking...

Excuse me. I haven't heard from you.

Yeah, that's right. Because
it was all about you.

The whole thing.

What?

When have I ever put
myself ahead of the work?

Ever since you started
reading your own press.

And campaigning for the nobel prize.

The whole thing

is about positioning the
release of the Phoenix

with your prison release. What
about the integrity of our product?

- I am the product. I am the brand.
- Oh, you're the product.

You're the brand.

How's your new house in
Brentwood, you fat fuck ?

Oh... boy.

You remember the one you earned
by slithering to the mailbox

like Jabba the Hutt to collect
the... unbelievable profits

that were the result of my
groundbreaking design work

on lithium technologies,
which, by the way, will garner

the nobel prize. So don't......

You know what, middle-aged boy genius?

I am sick of your horse shit.

- We're not finished.
- Unbelievable, this guy.

Bruce, you don't just walk
away from me like that.

Uh, this is bad, Marty.

Yeah it's bad, so bad.

Bad is good.

Good is bad.

Come on, if it's a love fest

and it's all harmonious in the
business, we're fucking fired.

But if the is coming down from the sky

- in golf ball-size chunks.
- Which it is.

Oh, that's a good day for us.

'Cause we get to swoop in and
put a band-aid on the booboo.

Make it all better.

Chaos, entropy, ka-ching.

Keep going.

Marty,

rat man has officially gone nuts.

I have 29 new messages.

I think he likes you.

Where is this asshole?

It's fucking hack work.

We're the hottest exterminator company

in Southern California,
but what I'm getting

from Kaan and associates is shit.

It lacks real vision. Your...

Your expansion models
are lackluster at best.

Okay.

So how could we take it
to the next level for you?

Because a company like

Rathman the rat man deserves real vision

to be truly appreciated.

- Absolutely. So please just don't spray us.
- Yeah.

You don't think I hear the contempt
in your clever little comments?

Why don't you go back to
your pretentious downtown loft

and actually try to create

an original business plan for
once in your fucking lives?!

I'm cutting your fee in
half starting right now.

- You're doing what?
- Unless you want me

to walk across the street

to your hot ex-wife,

who's been calling, by the way.

And I got a feeling

that she'd throw me a bang
on top of everything else.

No wonder K&A is circling
the fucking drain!

K... what? Uh...

K&A is... is cir...

We're circling the fucking drain?

Marty, it's...

Marty, I don't think he
meant that K&A is actually

- circling an actual drain.
- Hey, you know what? It's fine, Doug.

You know, I... I agree with you.

K&A is circling the fucking drain.

That's right.

And you know how I know that?

Because we are standing next to

a termite-infested
house talking to an ugly,

rat-looking motherfucker,

- with a fifth grade education whose mommy...
- Marty.

Just probably taught him how to dress...

- Marty...
- this morning.

- No, Jeannie.
- Yes, Marty. Marty.

Jeannie, I told you I don't
want to see you now, okay?

Oh, would you please not be so girly?

I mean, I have showed up...

- Yeah.
- On your doorstep, Marty.

It's very late at night, I'm
not wearing any underwear.

Okay.

And it's 'cause I want to give
you something to think about

- while you're away.
- No, it's because you're drunk.

Oh, you're so girly.

- Jeannie, you got to go, okay?
- Hey.

The non-girly Marty would at
least throw me a revenge fuck.

- Am I right? Just one more.
- You got to get out.

Marty.

I'm not good with begging.

Please help me out here.

Jeannie, give me your hands.

Okay. Goo...

Okay. Okay.

- Now get out.
- No.

Mmm.

Jesus Christ. No.

No.

Marty?

You... you got to go.

Jeannie.

Marty.

Listen, Rob, is it okay if I call you Rob?

Sure.

Rob, I... have...

Nightmares about you.

God, no. Whoops.

You mean dreams.

No, they're nightmares
because I'm paralyzed

or tied up, and you're

sniffing up me on me like a rat on...

something... whatever it is rats like.

- Cheese. They love cheese.
- It's very...

disturbing, I've spent a decent
amount of time on it in therapy,

so I am also ready to tell you

to go fuck yourself
with your lousy business.

Yeah, not the first time

I've been compared unfavorably to a rat.

Your lousy business, which,

if you hired Shakespeare,

Dostoevsky and Jesus Christ...

Could never make it
sound like anything more

than the hot, steaming turd that it is.

Oh, you go, pregnant lady.

- I need a sandwich.
- She needs a fucking sandwich.

- And some ice cream.
- Ice cream.

And some fucking sweet potato fries.

Sweet potato fucking fries.

That was fantastic. You know I loved it.

But does it mean that we're
not gonna get paid again?

Are you crazy? You know we can't afford

to lose even this shitty account, right?

We're broke, completely broke.

We can fix this.

Why don't we go back, talk
to him? He'll understand.

You know, Jeannie's a crazy pregnant lady,

and Marty's an angry black man...

Douglas, why don't we stop right
there at misogyny and racism

unless you want to do the hat trick

and compliment Osama Bin Laden again?

- Hey, hey!
- Hey, hey!

I said he was a brilliant strategist!

- That's a hat trick.
- There is a difference.

Boys. Just go close him, Doug.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Can you do it by yourself?
- Go back.

- You trust me?
- Yes.

Yes, dude. Do it by yourself.

All right, you won't
ditch me? You'll stay here?

- Yes, of course.
- Nobody's ditching you.

Okay. All right, wish me luck.

- Hey, are you ditching me?
- Marty, that's leaving.

Well, I think this is going pretty well.

I mean, we're at least
getting the work done.

We'll have some billable hours this month.

What? I'm sorry.

I was just saying, um, working together...

I thought it was going
to be harder, uh, after

everything and especially

given the fact that I'm pregnant.

And all the obvious
awkwardness between you and I.

I was saying that I think
that it's going pretty well.

Yeah, not really.

Well, not business-wise, but
I think, between you and I...

I don't think that's really
going too good at all.

I need you... for now,

but I can't really get over
everything that's happened.

I mean, I'd like to,
I'm trying to, but, uh,

it's not happening.

And I don't mean to sound like
a pussy about this, but I think...

I was gonna say, 'cause you
kind of sound like a pussy.

We need to just get
through this transition,

and then you should leave for good.

Wait. As in... leave... the company?

Yeah.

Our company that I own

- 50% of?
- Yup.

That I built with you,
and that I kept running

- while you were indisposed?
- And... and that... that

you burnt down in a fucking spectacular way

with your lies and deceit.

- And your bullshit.
- Marty, I have told you I never...

- That you somehow got away scot-free.
- You were not intended to be

in the middle.

What the fuck your
intentions were, Jeannie?

Your actions trumped them.

So, what, I'm just supposed
to walk into the marketplace,

um, eight months pregnant?

Look, uh...

Edgar... Ed... what's... Edwin?

- Edwin. Still.
- Yeah. Let him take care of you.

That's mean.

Dude's a lawyer, right?

He doesn't make enough money to fucking

- take care of...? I don't...
- You know, I... I'm...

not planning on dropping
everything that I have

- and becoming dependent on a man.
- Okay.

- You know what? Uh, I...
- Just because... by the way,

- who you...
- Okay, okay.

I'm sorry. That's none of my business.

That's okay.

This is what it's gonna be like.

I mean, you think

it's ever gonna be any
different than this?

Than what? Than... than this.

We're gonna be able to
work together for a minute,

and then we're gonna hurt each other.

And then we'll get over it,

and we'll be able to work together,

and we're gonna hurt each other again.

It's cyclical. Come on.

It's like a...

A wound just heals just enough,

and then we rip the scab
off of the fucking thing.

It didn't have to go this way, Marty.

- I mean, I really wanted to...
- No, but it did.

Oh, I'm so kicking your ass right now.

And I am so getting ripped

while you're kicking my ass.

Ooh. Curls for the girls, huh?

Hmm? Oh. Yeah, I guess. Whatever.

No, I'm not...

You know, it doesn't matter
who you're doing the curls for.

- It just looks like you're getting
- Dad, dad...

little jacked up, and I...

I heard the saying before. It's okay.

Hey, I texted you a
couple times last night.

Uh, never heard anything back.

I have, like, 260 unread texts.

260? That's entirely too many.

Wanted to see if you wanted to go

catch a movie or something, but

what did you end up doing?

Um, just hung out.

With?

Uh, Greggo, Skyler, Tom-Tom and Ethan.

Wait a minute.

Are you guys playing the new Xbox?

500 gig and surround.

The one we talked about you
might get for your birthday?

Yeah, totally.

It's pretty awesome.

Yeah, did grandpa...?

Is this because...?

I'm gonna go meditate.

No, no. Meditate on the answer.

- We talked about it. That's why...
- No, dad, dad.

- I... I didn't...
- Dad, no, grandpa hates it.

I had some money left over
from mom's Christmas money.

I bought it.

That's a lot of leftovers.

Yeah, she's trying
to, like, buy my love,

even though she's not
even sure she wants it.

It's what you call...

a hedge,

if you didn't know.

Roscoe, why don't you give our
family the benefit of the doubt?

Hey, man, you know, I try,

but sometimes it just is what it is.

What's that supposed to mean?

Would you like me to state it

more obviously for you, dad?

- Yeah, I think you better.
- Roscoe,

why don't we get off of
the hurtful stuff, huh?

Grandpa'll make everybody
some cappuccino, okay?

That is a great idea.

He's getting really good with the foam.

Grandpa, you can't just shuffle
around here with your girlfriend.

- And try to make shit out of bon app?tit.
- Hey, hey,

- Hey, hey, hey. That's it, okay? Enough.
- Enough?

And then what, dad?

What, is it getting too real for you?

Is it reminding you of, like, hard times?

I'm about to make it very real for you

- if you don't knock it off.
- Okay,

okay, s... okay, okay, that's enough, now.

Back up.

Roscoe.

Look, I... I know you're upset

about everything that happened...

- Dad...
- last year, and I'm really...

Yeah. I'm sorry.

- Okay?
- I'm... I'm sorry, too. That's what I'm...

We're all good, Marty. You
don't have to worry about me.

Stop calling me Marty.

Crap.

Got to go.

You got... where are you going?

I told Ethan that I would

study with him for AP U.S.

You told Ethan?

- Yeah, I told Ethan.
- Did you ask me?

Okay.

Hey, dad. Is it okay with
you if I go study with...

- Man, get out of here.
- Thank you.

Stop worrying. Seriously.

- Call me when you get to Ethan's.
- Wouldn't that be

so cool if I actually did that?

So, was I that bad?

No. Much worse.

Much, much worse.

Jeannie Bean.

Marty Kaan.

Sweet prison wear.

Why, thank you.

Wow.

- Sorry.
- Don't.

I'm not gonna cry.

- Good.
- You don't need all my...

- On top of... everything else.
- I know. I really don't, Jeannie.

- I really don't.
- Okay.

I just feel like... because
it's all my fault... that...

Listen, look,

I don't really want to go down the regrets

and recriminations route today, all right?

Okay.

I took the plea deal

so that I could get back to work faster.

I did this. This is my responsibility.

This part of it, anyway. The rest of it...

You can keep.

So let's just go through
the financials, okay?

I'm pregnant, Marty.

Are you telling me that we're...

It's not...

No. Um, after...

Everything between us, after I

showed up at your house

like a drunken idiot, I rekindled something

with an old college beau... Edwin.

Um... Ed... Edwin?

Please don't start.

He's a really decent guy. We're gonna try

to make something work even though he lives

- in New York, and...
- Wow.

I know.

And I'm definitely...

going to keep the baby.

Mm.

Which is not something I ever thought

I would hear myself saying,
because I did have all of this

mapped out... I had my eggs frozen,

I was gonna find the perfect sperm, and

it would have all the
characteristics that I lacked,

so that all my faults and imperfections

would be erased in my child, and then

I was gonna raise said child on my own,

with no one else. I had it all mapped out

that it would be me and this baby,

and we'd go to the, you know,

beach and the park and
then fishing and camping and

stuff that I don't do,
but I would do with her.

We'd have long talks about
important... and I would be

all over the stuff

my parents never were. But then...

there was...

Edwin.

I wasn't gonna have the abortion.

And he was willing, so...

I guess I wanted a baby more than

I wanted some perfect,
hermetically sealed life.

Okay.

Obviously, we will figure something out...

- Edwin and I... as it gets closer.
- Oh, you know, Jeannie...

No, it's...

It's none of my business, really.

I know it's none of your business, Marty,

but could you have a
feeling about it, at least?

Congratulations.

- That's it?
- Jeannie, don't push it.

- I'm in fucking prison.
- Okay, all right, sorry.

Is that Ellis Hightower?

The electric car guy?

Yeah, I guess it is.

What do I have to do to get in here?

Commit a felony, grow a penis.

Wait a minute, I think you
already did one of those.

Well, I'm gonna work on that penis.

I know you don't want
to talk about anything

- specifically. And that's fine. I just...
- Oh, my God. I really don't

- want to talk ab...
- I need you to hear me say

that I'm sorry, Marty.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

I think that should be updated.

- These are the quarterlies?
- Yeah.

Fuck you.

Fuck you!