House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 3, Episode 9 - House of Lies - full transcript

Kaan and associates are back trying to fix Dolla Hyde. Roscoe figures out what his dad has been talking about all the time, himself.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Previously on House of Lies...

Why are you taking fashion advice

from Boys Don't Cry in there?
Dad, I think that he

is the first person
who's ever really gotten me.

Which one of you stole
my fucking drugs?

Nobody stole your fucking drugs.
Okay? I'm out. Have a good life.

You're mine forever.

They think they can just
get rid of me?

I was the linchpin behind

that shit show.
Whoa, whoa.

- She got fired.
- Our guys are looking to trade

their hard-earned credibility
for a big ol' payday.

Little wrinkle here: they
started on a street corner.

Drug dealers.

Lukas is all,
"DollaHyde my baby."

I want him out.

Lukas knows Dre is trying
to push him out of the company.

If we're gonna make a move
to win him over, Marty,

we gotta do it now.

Call Marty.

Tell him that...

you'll sign away DollaHyde but
only under the follow condition.

Lukas is going to be asking

for $150 million.

Lukas is gone as soon
as he gets the cash.

Cash that Dre doesn't have.

Then I guess
you're Lukas's bitch.

- Continue to roll.
- We need B-roll.

Lukas, it's not cute.
No. It's not cute. Exactly. Stop.

No, no, no.
Continue to roll.

- Turn this...
- Shut it off.

Hey. This is gold. Keep rolling.
Goddamn it.

Turn this fucking thing off!


So what are you saying, Marty?
I'm saying

that many places... well,

how 'bout just every
fucking bank in the world...

does not want to make this loan
with your boy Lukas.

He's had fucking felonies, man.

His drug ties, his goddamn gun-running.
Right. But what about

your client, uh,
uh, U.S. National?

You told me you had 'em all in your pocket.
Yeah, well, uh...

turns out this deal is way too
black for them. That motherfucker

has poisoned the whole goddamn
universe against DollaHyde.

Listen, the universe
is huge, okay?

We just need to find some...


You know, I didn't want to
have to make this play,

but I've been thinking on it.

I got the guy.



He don't sound like a local.

Not exactly.
He's out of Guanzhou.

Oh, great. Right back
to fucking China.

Oh, no, no, no.
This is a solo trip.

Zhang, he doesn't dig strangers,

so I'm going in alone.
He's offered

to be a silent partner, he's offered
loans, manufacturing partnerships...

the man knows

we're sitting on a gold mine
with DollaHyde.

You really think
he can get this money?

I mean the whole nut.

I think, if I go to him...

and kiss his ass just right,

I can get this goddamn money,

even if I'm not...
thrilled about his terms.

Well, smooch, smooch.


I'll get on a plane today.

In the meantime, why don't you
grab a driver out of that bag

and I can show you
how to hit a real golf ball.


All right, Grandpa.
I'm here. Huh?

Oh, my God, look...
What? What?

Oh, oh. Yeah. Okay,
I'm cool, I'm cool.


Take care, man.
I'll see you. Bye, Chantelle.

Hey, Gramps.

What it is?
Well, hey,

Lex. Beautiful day, huh?

Hadn't noticed.

Hey, Roscoe.

"Hey, Roscoe."

Hey, Lex.
Hey, Coltrane.

So, they're, uh... they're
doing the 818 again tonight,

that krumping thing in the
Valley I was telling you about.

It's pretty sick.
You should come by.

You could throw down some moves
if you want.

Yeah... Sounds super edgy, Jazz Hands.
Wouldn't miss it.

I was talking to Roscoe, Lex.
Yeah, Coltrane, yeah, we'll come down.

We'll check it out.
I'm gonna wear my clown makeup.

- It's not like that.
- It's just...

It's labbing, trying new stuff,
throwing down.

'Cause you two have
something to krump about?

Whatever. See you, Roscoe.

- See you, Coltrane.
- See you, Roscoe.

I am so glad

I'm not 14 anymore.

You're close, though.

Oh, you did... Come on!

You're on my side, man!

Ms. Talbot. Ms. Talbot!



Excuse me. Um...

Hey, where the fuck is Marty

and why have I been waiting
for ten minutes?

Hi, Ms. Talbot.

You're adorable.

Thank you.
Now, where the fuck is Marty?

As a top-tier

you know all about putting out
fires at the highest level.

This morning, Marty had
a five-alarm predawn fire.

And he is just finishing

that up right now, and he
should be back any minute.

I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm Caitlin Hobart.

I'm one of the junior analysts
here at Kaan and Associates.

I don't care if you're bouncing
up and down on Marty's cock.

I want to know why he's not here

right now.

I am paying full freight for Kaan
and Associates for this consult.

Not Associates,
Kaan and Associates.

Certainly not junior

fucking associates.
Right. Understandable.

Um... So, I thought that you
and I could just start by

just chunking out
a journey line and...

Look into my eyes.

What do you see?

I see...

You see a woman who was stabbed

by her junior analyst.

You see a woman
who will never be stabbed again.

Do you know why?

I'm so sorry.

Because I will stab first.

What'd I miss?

Well, hey, Tiger Woods.
What's up?

Was it a golf fire?

Come on.

Oh, keep walking, coward.

Hey, Mon?

You're on the clock, so, uh...

what do you got?

This right here

is gonna make me fucking rich.

Is it full of magic beans?

No. It's full of...


Stands for
"Wholesome Organic Nutrition."


like Monica just WON
the lottery.

Or Monica just WON
a $20 million payday.

But also like it is the one,

the only thing you ever have
to eat or drink for the rest

of your fucking days.

And since you no longer have

to cook or eat,

you are free to spend more time
blogging about your...

meaningless life.

That's a great pitch.
Mm-hmm, insofar as it sounds like,

well, every other protein
powder on the market,

I think. Yeah.
As far as I can tell,

it is.
But it doesn't matter

because the fucking Millennials
are gobbling this shit up.

Oh, but Millennials
don't gobble anything up.

Hmm. Well, maybe we should
just take a look at this shit.


There's no way that...

This looks like gobbling to me.


I have achieved wood.

Oh, my God, he's not kidding.

Monica, did you make
these numbers up?

I mean, does anything up
there even resemble reality?

Oh, this is vetted.

This is so vetted I have
deferred my normal fee,

and I am taking
some massive stock options.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, kiddies,

can you please tell Monica the
number one rule in consulting?

No freebies.
No freebies.

No inappropriate touching.

No... freebies.
No freebies.

I'm the big-dicked bitch
that made up the rules, Marty,

and I am telling you...

...this is a grand slam.

I just need your team to
get me to that IPO and...

Let me just...


Just try... I mean, those
numbers are, uh, compelling.

I'll give it right back.
Sure. No, you can keep that one.

My God.

Come on.
She's not that bad.

She's not that bad?

I have looked the fucking
Medusa in her face.

She's not that fucking bad.
Well, what do you care?

I mean, you've got your Special
Lady, huh? Y-your big account.

Do me a favor. Don't call her
my "Special Lady."

Why? But, yeah, no, you know what?
Things are going

actually pretty good.
All right.

And things are going very well

in the old "throw my sausage
into her vagina" department.

Oh, yeah, tell me less.
I can't.

I told you everything there is. Yeah,
I know... it was too much, it was too much.

Okay, that's my fault. Yeah, she's kind
of cute and all, if you're cool with, uh,

tying yourself down.
"Tying yourself down"?

Yeah. You know, just because
you fucked things up

with a girl who actually wanted
to marry you

and... even more shocking... was
willing to have sex with you

doesn't mean I should send Marissa packing.
Do you remember

when you were single and
Doug the Gugg was your wingman

and the two of us got...

Doug the Gugg
was never my wingman.

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

Don't. Don't, pl...

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

There's the Puss 'N Goots.

I don't want to talk
to Puss 'N Goots.

No, he doesn't hunt alone.

Nuh-uh. He's looking
for Claude Oberholt.

Where is he?
Claude Oberholt. Yes.

And he's talking about
his right paw man

looking for little
chicks to hunt and kill.

What? Is this really you,
Pussy 'N Goots?

Going around look for pussy.
We're gonna look for some shit.

What do you do

when you see a big pussy?
What do you do when you see

a big dick?

What do you do
when you see a pussy?

Oh, yeah, there it is.
It's ol' Cats. He's back, baby.

He's back.

What-what would you do
if Lukas Frye was around?

This is Puss 'N Goots, man.

Lukas Frye don't scare
Puss 'N Goots.

Uh-uh. He can
kiss my Rum Tum

Tugger ass.
He can? Just like that?

Puss 'N Goots only cares
about pussy,

not pussies, like Lukas Frye.

Huh? God!

Hey, man.

Uh, I'm sorry. You...

This is what we pay you to do?

You should see your face.

You're lucky
I got a sense of humor.

I pegged you for a Cats fan.

Am-am I right?
So, I was...

I was, um, uh, Rum Tug Tugger.

Mm. And he was a character
based on Mick Jagger.

Jesus Christ.
Do you have any idea

how much you're
digging your own grave?

I do, yeah.
So go get Marty.

Yes. Okay, okay.
All right, hold up, man. Now don't go.

I'll be back. Stay right there.
Nobody move.

Uh, Lukas. Hold on.

Um, Lukas?

Lukas, Lukas,
ah, let me explain.

Hold on. Hold on.

The fuck...?
Will, handle this, please.

Copy that.

I'm more of Mungojerrie or Rumpleteazer
man myself. What did I tell you?

You get that? You get that?
What is this?

- What the fuck is this?
- Quite a little show you brought

in here today. You forget we had a meeting
on the books today?

No, I-I didn't forget.

I just figured you'd
be back at DollaHyde,

you know, holding your company
hostage, bleeding it dry.

Mm. One
of the few things

I like about you, Marty...
you have a sense of humor.

Oh, you got a sense
of humor, too.

I mean, you took time
out of your busy day

to come all the way down here

and just shit all
over my company.

You are mighty angry for
a super-white black dude.

You know that?

But to answer your question,

it's because
I'm paying for all this.

I figure we'd keep
the meeting today,

and I can introduce you to my

documentarist, Shane Boorstein.

Oh, that's great.

Shake-cam, and...

All right.

Hey, man,
we are gonna win the shit

out of Sundance
with this shit, man.

Congratulations in advance.

Oh, this is fucking awesome.

Marty, Shawty, see this?

This whole world you
got here with this shit...

this is bullshit.

It is fictitious,
it lacks substance.

It's not real.
It's not me.

You getting all this?
I mean,

Jesus Christ, Denzel, go.

I know Dre is in China
grinding on Zhang for the money.

Fish much?

My shit goes deep throat,
Marty Kaan.

Just try to assume
that I know everything.

But relax.

Y'all are still repping
DollaHyde, correct?

Yeah, that's correct.

So, why is it
that you meet with Dre,

you conspire with Dre,
you hold hands

and skip around
in his wine cellar together,

but you don't know who we are?

I know who you are.

How? From growing up on the
mean streets of Hancock Park?

That how you know?

Your little boyfriend
is out of the country,

so let's take this
as an opportunity

to show you where it get real.

See what I'm doing
with my people in my hood.

Bring your Armani
asses to Compton,

we'll settle this shit once
and for all in my house.

Um, but your house
is in Beverly Hills.

Man, shut the fuck up, Doug!

Hey, man,
cut that part out, man.

Since the idea
of coming to Compton

got your ass
all shook up, man...

No, no, no, Lukas,
we would love to see what

you are up to
in the neighborhood.

We-We would?
Yes, we would.

Would we?
Let's-let's go.

Let's go.
Right now?

Well, I'm gonna text
you the address on MapQuest.

Have fun.
Let's go, Doug.

Goddamn it. Hey.

Oh, my God.


This is fucking awesome.

Uh, you know what? I'm just
gonna go ahead and shoot myself,

save someone the trouble.

Or I can shoot you.

I mean, it's been
on my bucket list forever.

I just want to kill you.

Yeah, this isn't cool.

Guys, just relax, oaky?

This is all a part of
Lukas's passion play.

He wants to put us in danger,
then he gets to come save us.

Okay, or he won't,
and we'll all die out here.

Shut up, Doug.

Shit. Get down!

It's a Mercedes, you idiot.

See y'all finally made it.

You see right here?

This where I met Dre.

Ten years old,
already corner boys.

A'ight, man,
first of many things to see.

Let's go.

You're not gonna kill us
in here, are you?

Nah. I don't want
to mess up my seats.

See, I brought you
here 'cause I wanted

to show you motherfuckers
what's real... to me.

And this is it.


All the rest of the bullshit,
man... it's just an illusion.

Just like a shot of
heroin, you know?

Makes your world all pretty,

make you feel much
better for a minute.

Then, after that, goes away.

It's over with;

You're back to your reality.

You lose sight of that,
you lose everything.


This is where we from.

A'ight, man, let's go.

This is it.

It's where I'm from.

It's where your new BFF
is from, too, Marty.

Whether he chooses
to acknowledge it or not.

This is where it began.

And this is where it should end.

In here, we have
the largest hip-hop clothing

manufacturing plant
in the United States.

Well, that is,
up until about seven years ago,

when Dre just up and decided

he wanted to move all of our
production overseas and shit.

I still keep a few hundred
people on payroll, man.

You know what I'm saying? Just
to make sure they can have jobs

and health care and whatnot.

Fill a few orders
every now and again.

I got to. If not me,

who else gonna do it?

Why would I want to do
some shit like that

when I could just sell
for $50 million

and run off to Barney's?

Hey, man, what's going on?

He's amazing.

What, does this guy feed
and clothe the hungry?

Yeah, and heal the sick.

This is a financial
sinkhole, man.

Doug, is this place for real?

Uh, yeah.
It's on the DollaHyde books.

Hey, well, hey, man,
I got to run, man.

Them dollars ain't gonna
hop in my pocket.

Y'all take it light.
Another thing.

Do you know
that Dre's motherfucking ass

has not been to this place
since we moved production?

Not once. What kind of guy
would do a thing like that

to all these people?

In his defense,
he's probably just busy,

off in China trying
to save his ass

from Mr. Zhang and shit, right?

You keep saying
that fucking name.

I... What are you
talking about?

That sense of humor gig.

Come on, everybody
get in the car, man.

Come on, man.

Get in, get in.
Come one, come all, man.

I'm a consultant, as well,

so, any bullshit
that you feed me,

I've already fed
to someone else.

I know what you're going to say

before it even comes out of your

Does that make sense?

You got it, Monica.

We'll start grinding
on these models.

And certainly Jeffrey

and I can start with a white
paper and just brain-dump...

What did I just say...?



That was bullshit.
Good boy.

Thank you.


Can I talk to you for a second?

I think she's nice.

And hey, hey, that's Bludso's

right there, man.

That's where we came up with

the name DollaHyde.

There was this guy, man.

His name was Douglas Dollarhide.

He became the first black mayor
of Compton.

So we get to printing up
our little logos

on the T-shirts and shit,
start selling 'em

out the trunk of my car
right there in the front.

All of 'em smelled
like barbeque.


That probably why we couldn't

print enough of them

This corner right there.

Ooh, I was walking
with the homies, man.

I think it was, uh, me,

Dre and-and Ronnie,

and Ronnie's going on
about how one day,

the Clippers are gonna
be a great team.

This nigger was funny
as shit, man. I'm talking,

fuck-Richard-Pryor funny, man.

Way, way out in the distance,
we hear, "Pah!"

Ronnie dropped to the ground.

I look at him, and I say,

"Man, look at you.
You just spilled soda

all over yourself trying
to motherfucking get a laugh."

Man, and then,
we turned around again,

and seen Ronnie wasn't
getting up.

Ronnie had been shot.

In the hood, it's as simple as,

one minute you talking
to your friend,

and then, the next minute,

all the jokes stop


A'ight, man. We here.

Where is "here?"
Come on.

Stick close to me,
try not to get shot.

What's up, G?

Hey, they with me.

One and all, please, this way.

Last but not least
on our trip down memory lane.

What's happening, guy?

It bring me a great
honor and pleasure

to introduce you

to Ronjon's Lounge.

Now, for our first
couple years, this...

thing of beauty that you see
before you right now

was the DollaHyde office.
It's amazing.

- It's nice.
- It's where it all began.

Can we get the fuck
out of here, please?

Man, cool it.
I mean, I know

real can get real scary for you

when you, you know, had those

bougie academics
for parents, Marty.

Well, an orthopedist
and a teacher.

I'm scared, too.

No, real is when you're
not full of shit.

Okay? Whatever
theatrical this is,

it's over. We're done.
Uh, no,

Let's just finish, please, Go.

what we came here to do.

You are
an intelligent man, Lukas.

Tell us what the play is here?

You've been dancing
around it all day, man.

Just tell us what
the fuck is going on.

That is the sound

of my heart breaking.

Here I am, trying to bond,

trying to share, being sincere.

Well, I tell you what.

You may as well pull up
a seat and have a drink.

Get you some popcorn.

Because this movie of mine

is about to reach the
motherfucking climax.

Come on, man.
Round of Hennessy for everybody.

No cups, out the bottle.
Like the old times.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- We're civilized.

I'll just get a Pimm's and soda.

Uh, I mean,
you're buying, right?

I'm asking.

Oh, you're so gonna die.

No, you're gonna die.

What do you care if I'm a
guy or a girl, douche bag?

You're probably some
old pervert, anyway.

Do they have any
idea we're even here?

Oh, no.
Total immersion.


Smoked your ass, pervert.

So you want to check out that

whole 818 thing tonight?

Um, let me think. No.

Sounds pretty cool, actually.

Well, yeah, if you're into that

drama geek shit.

Honey, I'll be
right back. Hmm?


I'll drive you,
you can Uber back.

I didn't even say we were going.

Yeah, I know you didn't.

I did. Huh?
Come on.


Thanks, Grandpa.

Let's go, y'all, back this way.

Hey, walk, y'all. Shit.

You know, I figured you all
wanted to meet Mr. Zhang,

since he'll be such a big part
of your lives and all,

so I took the liberty
of digging us a hole

in the back.
We're gonna go to China.

Hey, make sure the cameras
and shit get in here, too.

The fuck you doing here?

What the fuck?
You know,

you are one low-down
piece of shit.

Excuse me, I'm being rude,
I'm sorry.

Ladies, gentlemen...
Mr. Zhang.

Wait a minute, so,

so this guy's Chinese
on his mother's side?

Marty, listen.
Marty, this here's Lovey.

Lovey is the man in the hood
you come to when you need money.

Lukas, why don't you

and your bitch-ass lawyers...

get the fuck out of here so I can
finish up my business. I'm sorry, OG,

excuse me, but I can't
do that, please forgive me.

Let's keep this rolling.
And keep it real.

Whoa, what the fuck is all this?

What's going on
with these cameras?

Get that fucking camera out my face.

call when you get
this shit settled, a'ight?

Let's go!
Lovey. Come on, man.

Look, I'm-a call you

a little bit later, all right?
This is just some bullshit.

You got to be kidding me.
It's unbelievable. That's what I'm saying.

What the fuck did we talk about? You just
made it dirtier. What you talking about?

I expect this dude to be a clown.
Get that fucking camera

out of here. You come down to the gutter
to get the money?

You're supposed to be in China right now.
And what was you gonna do

about it? I came to you, you said all of
your resources are exhausted, right?

Dre, you just made it worse.
So I got to get it the way...

What the fuck care for, anyway?
You just made it worse.

Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys. Come on, man.

Oh, this your first fight.

I feel personally
responsible, I'm sorry.

If it's any consolation
to you, Marty, dig it.

Never gonna sell.

Under no circumstances.

Ever. Okay?

I just wanted to see
my guy run around the hood

begging for money
like a little junkie.

And to see Marty Kaan
scrambling to save

his assimilated black ass.

- Priceless.
- Well...

there's no fucking way you guys
make it to an IPO now.

There's no way you can go public
with either one of you

being the face of the company.
Yeah, now you're stuck with each other.

This is gonna be
fine, all right?

We've had CEOs who hate each other
more than you two.

This is the worst... fuck it,
this is the absolute worst.

But we can make it work because
you don't have any other choice.

Making it work...

Not a problem for me.

So, Andre here,
we got to worry about.

No. You ain't
got to worry about Andre.

It is what it is, right?
We'll get it done.

But I know one thing's for sure,

we not gonna be the...

blood brothers on the corners
that we once were.

We damn sure ain't
brothers no more.

I told you there was a method
to my madness, now, see?

Yeah, it was amazing.
Thank you.

That the end of the excursion?

That was pretty much my finale.

Okay, fantastic.
Great, great.

You got us, Martin Scorsese.

We got Punk'd! Okay?

Now cut the thing off.
No, no, no, no, no, no, continue to roll.

We need B-roll.

No, it's-it's not cute.
No. It's not cute, exactly. Stop.

Stop tou... Stop touching the camera.
No, no, continue to roll.

Turn this fucking...
Shut it off.

Ow! Fuck! My face!

Hey, hey. This is gold.
Keep rolling.

Marty! Find his weak spot.
I got to get... get...

Give it to him.

Give it to me.

Turn it off.

Get the fucking camera.

Son of a bitch.

Look into the fucking camera.

Damn it.

Fuck off.

Turn that mother left.

To the left.

Turn that fucking thing off!

Pretty sick, right?

Yeah, amazing.

Can't believe how good
they even are.

You're good enough to do this.


What's he gonna krump about?
His "bwoken" home?

You get up there, you're
gonna be just another biter.

I'm not a biter.
I have my own moves.

All right.

What do you all think?

Rich little 14-year-old over
here thinks he got the moves.


I don't see you up there, Lex.

Go fuck yourself, Jazz Hands.

You know what?
I want to go.

I said I'm going.

Hey, Marty.

Hey, Chantelle.

Where's Pop?

Oh, he went to sleep
a little while ago.

Insert age-difference
joke here.

No, I'm good.

I'll... I'll get you later.

You want some?


Are you okay?

Seem a little shook up.

Oh, I won't shrink you,
I promise.

It's just been a rough day.

Well, you should probably know

that Roscoe went out
with Lex tonight.

Fuckin' perfect.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I think your dad's plan is to
let him play it out on his own.


No, no, no, no.

Come here, man.
Come here.

Listen, I don't care what
your grandpa said, all right?

When I tell you
to do something, you...