House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 9 - House of Lies - full transcript

Doug and Clyde are summoned to testify in a legal deposition for their role in a wrongful death suit filed against a big telecommunications company. Casino king Michael Carlson slows ...

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Previously on House of Lies...

I'm out. I'm gonna
start my own shop.

Is that Marty on the line?

Remind him
that I own his ass.

I own your ass,
motherfucker!

(grunting)

I got into an altercation
with the cops.

I'm moving forward.
I'm happy.

I wish you could
move forward, too.

Are you sure that you're okay
with him living with Monica?

I mean, she fine,
but cuckoo crazy.



Oh, God.

You put together six months
of sobriety,

and I'll vanish.

ROSCOE:
Dad, I've been thinking.

I'd like to move back home.

You gonna move back in with me?

Clyde hit on you?

If anything, I would've thought
there was something

going on between
you and Marty.

So, what does this mean?
It means, as far as I'm concerned,

my marriage is over.

TAMARA:
Mmm, good morning.

I see you, um, broke out
some new moves in there.

Very nice.
You've been married ten years, girl.



Everything's a
new move to you.

You shouldn't have been
avoiding me in "B" school.

Oh, I wasn't-- there was
actually a time when I was...

I was gonna give you some.

When?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Before you started
fucking the Antichrist. No.

You were way
into Kevin back then.

You were all
in love and shit.

(Tamara laughs)

MARTY:
Yeah. Hey, listen.

Um, I want you
to meet Roscoe.

He's-he's moving
back in today.

And I'm always
so... I'm not...

I'm trying to be
a little more... I understand.

You know what I mean?
I just think I need

a little bit of time
to think about that.

I'm not sure I'm ready
for you to meet my kids.

Kevin's in town.

Oh.
That could....

that could be a mess, I mean...

Oh, no, I get it.

You sure?
Yeah, I get it.

I'm gonna go find my panties.

(whispering):
I want you to meet Roscoe.

Shut the fuck up.

Barry, hey.

Yeah, how's it going?

Look, thanks for getting back
to me on a Sunday.

Yeah, uh, the message
was cryptic, I know.

Here's the thing, man.

I am going out on my own.

Yes.

Yeah, I know. I-I want you
to move all my assets.

I know it's a big investment.
That's...

(wind chimes tinkling,
dog barking)

L-Larry, hold on. Hold on.

I got to call you back, man.

Fuck.

(juicer whirring)

You're really getting
the hang of this.

Do not patronize me.

I'm not.

I mean it.

You've been really great
with Roscoe.

I mean, it's great.
It's surprising. Who knew?

I know.

Keep it up, Mo, okay?

He really needs this.

The magnanimous winner.

That's what this is, right?

Let's not forget that
he was here because

you fucked up.

He came running to me.

(sighs)
Monica, let's not kid ourselves, all right?

We always knew
this was just a detour.

And I can't compete with
a police beat-down to guilt him

into staying, can I?

Roscoe feels like
he has to move back.

This is pity, Marty.

Flash the applause sign.

(indistinct chatter in distance)

What do you think you have?

I don't know.
It's proof.

This is just... (scoffs)

It's theater, Monica.

It's fake.

Ah.

(laughing):
That's...

That's beautiful.

You want to fuck my shit up?

I will fuck yours up, too.

Come on, Roscoe.
Let's go, buddy.

ROSCOE:
I'm coming. Hey, baby.

I made your favorite.

Here you go.
Thank you.

Oh, my God,
you are getting so good

at the eyeliner.

It's all in the wrist.

MONICA:
When your dad

messes up again,
you can come back here, okay?

MARTY:
Really?

Seriously, Monica,
you want to do this right now?

Guys...
It's fine, Tessa.

Same old shit.

It's not scarring at all.

(sighing):
Okay.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, too.

(laughs)

MARTY: Come on,
let's go, buddy.

(laughs)

(wind chimes tinkling)

You okay, babe?

Fuck.

(engine revving)

(car driving away)

MARTY:
...hurt so much.

TAMARA:
Ooh. You didn't?

MARTY (chuckling):
No. TAMARA: Well, see...

Fire in the hole.
Carlson's here.

Oh, yeah, I know that.

He's been blowing up
my e-mail all weekend.

Yeah, at 3:00
in the goddamn morning.

Can you please tell me again
why we're even putting up

with this ADD
Asperger-hole?

This has...
Is a Facebook deal of Vegas.

You've got to put your name
and stank on this, Marty.

Come on.
Uh...

Is that a marmoset?

(chittering,
door opening) DOUG:

Marty, meet Ferret Marty.

He-he's...

a cute little guy, huh?

CARLSON:
So...

(clears throat)

Who approved
this, uh,

phonics for business school shit

you call an offer?

The international language
is whack.

You approved it, Mr. Carlson.

During our six-hour
conference call last week, sir.

Marty, Marty... go potty.

You know what? I'm getting
a little sick and tired...

Watch this.
(chittering)

Go ahead. Go, go, go.
(gasps) Oh.

JEANNIE:
Oh, this Marty

does tricks.

(laughing)

Good boy, Marty.

Oh.
(gasps)

Oh.

Good boy.

Oh, Marty knows shit
when he smells it.

Come here, Marty.

Come on, Marty.
Good boy, Marty.

Good boy.
(chittering)

Look, I want that shit
structured like a deal

I did a few months ago,

so call my office,
get the particulars

on my Dubai deal.

No problem. We'll have Jeannie
and Tamara work on it this week.

Listen, why can't you work
on it, Marty?

I've been subpoenaed
to be deposed in Nebraska

this week.

Uh, the P&G Telecom
subcontractor case?

You might have seen it
on the news.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know.

Some guy fell off a cell tower,

and he's trying
to hold P&G liable.

It's corporate rape.

Look, I don't give a shit

about some Mickey Mouse
subpoena, Marty.

Don't offend me.

You stay.

It's my legal obligation.

It's your choice.

Or it's

my legal obligation.

Or it's your choice.

Mmm.
Uh, this is...

Mmm.
It is...

(chittering)

(laughing):
So...

Well, we leave
in about an hour,

so, uh, how about I just
call you when we land?

Yeah, you, too.

All right, bye, lover.

(sighs)

Okay. What?

What what?

What what?
Yeah.

The Sarah thing you do.

Every time I talk about
Sarah, or talk to Sarah,

you do a thing.
What thing? What are you talking about?

I was sitting here.
I just saw it, just then as I was walking past.

You went, "Aah!"
That. That thing. That's what I do?

This... Aah!
Yes. You just did it then before.

I've never in my life done that.
You've been doing it for weeks.

In my entire life,
I've never done that.

You have been doing it for
weeks, and I'm sick of it.

Oh, my...
No, I'm not. You have. No.

What you are right now,
honestly, is insanely sensitive.

Say, Jeannie, could
you please tell Clyde

that I'm-I'm not
talking to him anymore?

Oh, thank you for that gift.
I hate when you talk.

JEANNIE:
Clyde, Clyde, please just

apologize to Doug
for whatever, being a dick,

so we can focus
on more important things,

like that fact that

I'm gonna be stuck
working with Tamara.

Also, Marty's hitting it.
It's confirmed.

CLYDE:
He's just living it.

Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.

Who's hitting...
who's hitting the what?

Oh, my God.
Are you being serious?

It's the thing we've been
speculating for the past week.

You don't
remember this, Doug?

Marty. Okay, that's interesting.

So, Tamara and Sarah
got along really well

at the retreat, I thought.

Didn't you think?
CLYDE: No, no, no. Doug,

Marty's never gonna go
on a double date

with you and fucking Girl Doug.

Is somebody talking?
Is somebody talking?

I can't hear anything.

(indistinct chatter,
phones ringing)

Marty motherfucking

Kaan.

(laughs)
Hey, man.

Hey.
(clears throat) Long time.

Shit. It's been a lifetime.

Yeah.

What are you...
what are you doing here?

Looking for Tamara?

(sighs) I tried to take
my wife to lunch,

but she turned me down.
Ah.

"You show up like my job's
not important, motherfucker."

(laughs)
Shit. Ouch.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, have a seat, Kevin.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah.
Thanks.

So...
(clears throat)

...how is life?
Mmm.

Uh, how's New York?
Ugh!

Commute is kicking my ass,
getting back here to see

my girls. You know,
I thought T would have

changed her mind by now,
but she is so fucking stubborn.

Yeah.
(laughs)

I don't even own keys
to my goddamn house.

She changed the locks
on a brother.

Oh. Trying to get back
in the house, huh?

It's still my fucking house.
Yeah.

(laughing)
True that.

Yeah, man.
True that.

Hey. I know you have
the inside scoop.

You've always
been a...

good friend.

And lately, T's been...

Fucking me.

I'm sorry. What?

I'm sleeping with your wife.

(inhales, exhales)

That's what I like
about you, Marty.

You shoot straight.

Yeah. Well...
So do I.

Not really.

I mean, this little
bullshit conversation,

uh, impromptu reunion,
i-it's recon, Kevin.

So let me
just give you

the full format, okay?

I am... sleeping with Tamara.

I... I like
sleeping with Tamara.

I'm gonna sleep...

keep... sleeping with Tamara.

Uh-huh.

And that is kind of it.

Unless you want the details.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm-I'm good.
Me, too.

(chuckling): Oh, yeah,
I'm sure. I'm sure.

So, uh, I have got
to catch a plane.

A plane?
Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess I'll be out,
leave you to your...

Work.
stuff. (laughs loudly)

Work.
Yeah.

Fucking my wife.

See you later, Marty.

Good talk, homeboy,
good talk.

So, the guy who fell
off the cell tower...

Yeah, the vic's name
is, uh, Ray Marburger.

Yeah, I wouldn't call
him "vic," Doug.

It means, uh...
it means "victim."

I understand what
the fuck it means.

Yeah. He worked for one of P&G's
bush-league subcontractors.

And they're trying to prove
that the subcontracting model

was put in place
to avoid liability...

Right.
Which, of course, it was.

Of course it was.
I'm the one who pitched it, remember?

Oh, God, I was
kind of "the man"

after that P&G consult-- but
you probably knew that, right?

Yeah, look,
we all remember it, Clyde.

That was when your mom
sent us that tin of cookies.

(laughing): If you could
even call them that. Do not talk

about my mom's cookies.
Well, how about I call them

"dog biscuits," 'cause
that's what they tasted like.

Doug, you know what, my mom
worked a 60-hour work week,

so I'm sorry if her cookies
didn't meet the standards

of your fucking
dog-biscuit-eating palate.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that a bit below the belt?

Well, so was hitting
on my girlfriend, asshole.

MARTY:
Oh! Doug's balls dropped. DOUG: Well, the love

of a good woman
will do that to a man.

Am I right, Ta-Marty?

Huh? Tamara-Marty?

(chuckles) It's one
of those uninames.

Like Kimye or Brangelina.

No.
I thought of that.

Hey, you know,
Sara and I have been,

uh, looking for a couple
to hang out with. Oh, my God.

Thinking this trip
might be a good chance

for the two of us
to bond or something.

Just two guys
loving love. Yeah? (laughs)

And here's where Clyde says...
Shut the fuck up, Doug.

That's what he says.
Nope, can't hear him, can't hear a thing.

Yeah, I heard that.

Yeah.
You did hear that, huh?

Yeah, but not that.
Oh, really?

I'll give it to you
one more time.

♪ Shut the fuck up
♪ No, I'm not listening ♪

♪ Shut the fuck up...
♪ To you, not listening... ♪

(horns honking)

Here you go.
Cup of joe.

Oh.
(laughs)

Kind of--
but thank you.

That's fine.
Ugh, yuck.

Do you know,
if we lived here,

that would count
as quality ass? That.

Clyde thinking he's better
than everyone else yet again.

Not everybody.

But her, yes.
Why?

That woman is not
an indication

of everyone in Omaha.

Kid, wait one second.
I got to ask you a question.

What do the girls
look like in your class?

They're all
kind of gross.

"They're all kind of gross."

He got a bad class; big deal.

Listen to me-- you
should move to L.A.

And, kid,

it gets better.

"It gets better"?

You know that's a PSA
for gay teens?

A struggle is a struggle.
Doesn't matter what you say...

MAN:
Sorry to keep you.

Neil Savage, counsel for P&G.
Oh.

Doug Guggenheim.
Clyde Oberholt.

Would you like
a coffee? No, thanks.

(sighs) Mr. Kaan
is already being deposed.

Yeah.
I'm just here

to prep you for tomorrow.

Any questions?

Yeah. Like a million.

Uh, any
land mines I need

to watch out for?
I'm kind of nervous.

CLYDE:
Doug, we're not getting

water-boarded here--
I don't think

you have to worry
about land mines.

Oh. Uh...
Oh, shoot!

It got it on my folder
and everything.

Excuse me for a second.

(laughing):
I know. Goodness!

I apologize for my friend.

Well, I'll bring
you up to speed.

Uh, the guy's widow has a
pretty effective narrative.

Mm-hmm.
Works two jobs, single mom, she's been,

uh, sitting in on some
of the depositions,

and she's been educating herself
via the goddamn Internet.

(quiet chuckle)
She brought the kid, too.

Smart play.

So, Mr. Oberholt,

you came up with
the subcontractor

business model, right?
I did. That was me.

But to cut costs;
I'm not a safety expert.

Well, they're gonna try to put
you in the crosshairs on this.

That's crazy--
I didn't force this guy

to get a job climbing
cell phone towers.

And that's
P&G's position. Good.

These guys are adrenaline
junkies trying to get high

for minimum wage.

And even with
the so-called

questionable safety regs,
there's no way his wife

proves P&G was negligent.

P&G's tracks are covered,

thanks to your...
is "genius"

too big a word?
Uh, Neil, okay...

Brilliant,
what you've done.

CLYDE:
So, what's going to happen

to, um... her and the kid?

Ah, she hired some
high-profile local attorney,

but he's in over his head.
Yeah.

She's a single mom,
works at a Stop and Go.

There's a 25-grand
insurance payout

on the table.

That's more money
than she's ever seen.

It's business.

(quietly):
It's business.

JEANNIE:
How are the kids?

Oh, they're great.
They're up north

with my mom.

That's nice.

You know, we don't
always have to talk

about my kids
when we're alone.

We don't?

Whew!

(laughing):
Especially when I know that

that's not really what
you want to talk about.

You and Marty sleeping together
is none of my business.

You're right,
it's none of your business.

(chuckles)

But that's not what
I was talking about.

Oh.
(laughs) I was talking

about him opening up
his own shop.

He told you?

Because it was...

kind of my idea.

(laughs softly)

(laughs softly)
(giggles)

(clears throat)

So, are you leaving
Galweather, too?

To go with Marty?
(laughing)

That's funny,
apparently.

No, it's just, you know,

I'm-I'm not 14
chasing around some boy I like

just because.

Yeah, new firm, I don't know.

High risk, high reward, right?

Yeah, well,

you know Marty--
he's got nine lives.

I don't know how many I have.

(knocking)

Yo.

Hi.

(laughs)
Look what the cat dragged in.

What's up, little
brother? (laughs)

Oh. Roscoe was
looking for those.

Yeah. His music
sounds like shit

with those earbuds.

He's really into mixtapes now.

Yep. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Heard you were in town.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. (laughs)

Causing trouble,

I hope.

You know how I do.

You got the good stuff open.
Again.

You know how I do.
Ah!

(both laugh)

You know, I would
offer you something to eat.

Uh-huh.

I hear you're into
sushi these days,

but I'm fresh out.

(chuckles)
Yeah, I have had

a lot of sushi
lately, haven't I?

(clears throat)

Thank you.

Oh, it's really
good to see you.

(exhales)

You want to
know a secret?

Depends.

What if I told you

that I know you used
to masturbate to me

when you were younger.

(whispers):
Marty told me.

(laughs quietly)

(laughs)

Yeah.

You were in heavy rotation.

Yeah. What if I told you

that I used to think about you
and touch myself, too?

Shit, you should've
let a brother know.

I'm all about family ties.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

Oh, God, you used
to be so hot...

in that JV uniform.
(whispers): What?

Go, Mustangs.
(chuckles)

(moans softly)

Oh, Monica.

Come here.
(moans)

Nope.

(moans)

No, no, no, listen.
No.

No way.

No.
Come on.

(moans, chuckles)

(both moaning)

Don't stop.

(glass breaking)

You like that?

Here's your key,
Mr. Guggenheim.

Oh.
And Mr. Oberholt.

And you're sure that's
it, only two rooms? Uh,

under the Galweather
corporate account,

uh, I don't see any Martin Kaan.

Oh, goodness.
Someone messed up.

Oh, goodness.

Uh, unfortunately,
we're fully committed,

and the city's booked.

Cornhusker Awards.
That's fantastic.

Somebody's gonna
have to bunk up. Yeah.

Somebody's gonna have
to do that.

(chuckles)

Um...

Oh, Doug, you
didn't have to. That's...

Actually, you did.
Right.

Happy bunking!
How about I throw in a free

continental breakfast for you?

Could you just check
one more time? Are you sure

there's no other rooms?

No, no.
CLYDE: And how many beds...

are in the room
that we have?

One elegant queen.

DOUG:
All right. What do we got here?

Come on.

Got to be
something. Ooh.

Jackpot. Yeah.

There's a Best Western
16.8 miles away.

Bet you they got rooms.

All right, man, if you want to
go, go. I don't give a fuck.

The room's
not for me, Clyde.

♪ If you should leave me,
I'd die ♪

♪ Lord knows the reason why

Good night, Clyde.
Shut up, Doug.

♪ What is this feeling
that you do ♪

♪ That makes me
so attracted to you? ♪

Nope. (chuckles)
No. Come on, buddy.

Be reasonable.
I need...

I need a little bit
of comfort, buddy.

Just give me a little bit.

Stop being a child.

I'm a fucking child?
Look how you're dressed,

you fucking idiot. Fuck it.
Give it to me.

Whatever. I'm not going
to sleep anyway.

Fine, that's
your prerogative.

Keep the lights on, okay?

The depo is at 7:00 a.m.!
I need seven hours' sleep,

and you know that.
I know what time

the goddamn deposition is, Doug.
Good night.

The lights are on.
Goddamn it! All right, fine.

You want to talk? We'll talk.
Here we go.

Let's nip this
in the bud right now.

Yes, I am happy.
Yes, I have a girlfriend.

Oh, my God!
And I apologize if that fucks with your sense

of how the world works.
This has nothing to do with you and Sarah!

What's it about, then?
You tell me. What is it?

The-the-the hotel room?
Stop. Shut the fuck up.

The duvet? What?
The-the deposition? No. No. The duvet?

(sighs)

The deposition?
It's...

Well, look,
I get it.

I-I know I put up a steely
front, but I'll admit it, buddy.

I'm-I'm kind of
a little freaked-out, too.

Oh, you're a little freaked-out?
Yes, I am.

Okay, tomorrow, I have to
defend myself on something

that I put into motion.
That's me. I did it.

And now we have
P&G, which just

covers us like a fucking
corporate veil.

That's a good thing.

No.
That's what we do.

Yeah, well, it's
fucked-up, okay?

We don't even think
about what happens

when we leave.
We don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck.

And honestly,
most of the time,

I'm fine with that.

Corporate downsizing.
People lose their jobs.

That's what fucking happens,

and everybody knows that's
the way the world works.

I can't stop that.
That's what it is.

Right.

But someone died
because I want to make partner

before I'm 35.
What?

No. No, that's not...
Yes.

That's what you... (sighs)
That... You can't...

No. That's a very
simplistic way of-of...

There were other factors
you're not thinking about.

Okay, yeah.

At the end of the day,
there's now a kid

that's going to grow up
without a father.

(sighs)

Okay.

You know, uh,
when I was sad,

my mom used to open up
the Doug-hug Emporium.

Doug-hug Emporium?
That's right.

I can't do this, Doug.
Yeah.

You buy one,
you get one free.

That's the emporium's
signature policy.

And we are open
for business. Doug, I don't...

Come here.
Doug.

It's okay.

Here we go.
Doug, honestly, this is...

It's okay, buddy.
I don't want a hug.

It's okay.
You're all right. Shh.

Just, shh.
Jesus! You're so strong.

Yeah, I know. From
all that hugging. (chuckles)

(sighs)

Is that your dick
against me? What?

Are you hard right now?
From hugging me? No. No, no, no.

You got fucking hard?
I'm not... Calm down. It's a penlight.

Holy shit.
Just a penlight.

For-for nighttime emergencies.

Okay.
Well, don't forget you still have

one free hug
on your buy-one-get-one-free.

Take care, buddy.
Come on. No, they work better in pairs.

I'm telling you
right now, get off me

or I'll fucking kill you.
Okay. Okay. O-Okay.

I'll kill you.
Ow, ow. Okay.

Good night, Doug.
Good night.

(horn honks)

(sighs)
Hey.

How was the depo?
Oh, well, Douglas Guggenheim and I

shared an elegant queen.

You did not.
Yeah, we did.

How was Carlson?
Did you know that banging

your head against a wall
can burn up to

150 calories per hour?
DOUG: Oh, yeah? That bad, huh?

Yeah, well, at least
he finally agreed on a draft.

Which is pretty much the same
as the original draft.

Hi, guys. Where's Marty?

DOUG:
I don't know. Oh.

Tamara, Tamara, Tamara,
uh, speaking of Marty,

are you two interested
in coming

to the Comedy Connection
this weekend?

I have two extra tickets.

With you and Sarah?

No. No, no, no. No, not...

I mean, we might be
at the same table.

Maybe. I'll-I'll check
on the...

I-I'll put you down as a maybe.
Put her down as a maybe.

Put her down as a maybe.
That's a maybe. All right.

(scoffs)
Take one fucking week off.

What the fuck, Marty?

What...

You told Kevin
we're sleeping together?

Aw, poor Kevin.

You're unbelievable.

What are we doing?

I don't know,
but you're stepping all over

my goddamn boundaries.
I don't do well

with boundaries,

Tamara, but...

the question remains.
(sighs)

I don't know. I don't know.
You tell me.

Listen, I...

I'm...
(sighs)

(quietly):
I'm trying to have something... with you.

So you come in and
you blow up my spot?

I thought you were done
with that life.

What? Honey, it's
not that simple.

Shit, T.
It... it can be.

What, because you say so?

Yes.

Yes.

(chuckles)

I'm a simple man.
Like hell you are.

♪ You're dressed
in a memory... ♪

Mon!

Babe!
(laughs)

Not dead!

Yes, you... Great
surprise, thank you.

(sighs, chuckles)
Babe, it's cold out here.

Oh, no. I think
it feels amazing.

Oh, hello, my friends.

What shall
I have today? You?

No, you do...
What are you doing?

Oh, you want some? Oh!

Too slow!

(laughs)

(snorts, exhales)

So, what,
Roscoe decides to leave

and you go back to this shit?

After everything you did to
fix your relationship with him.

To fix yourself.
I'm unfixable.

You can ask Marty.
You can ask my mom.

That's not true.
You can ask... I don't know.

Who else can we ask?

I tried.

Okay? I tried.

I tried to be
a happy homemaker.

Healthy living. Live-in chef.

Mommy of the fucking year!

And I let you,

a sweet little kid,

a sweet, little naive
little baby

lick my pussy to prove it.

There it is.

It's out.

And now that I'm not
doing that anymore, actually,

you can be fired.

(scoffs)
You can't fire someone you're in a relationship with.

Oh, really?
'Cause I think I just did.

Boo-ya.
(laughs)

(man and woman laughing)

(whooping)

I fucking
missed you.

I haven't seen you forever.
(chuckles)

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm... I'm being as clear
as I possibly can.

Fuck you.

Oh, fuck me. Fuck me?

Fuck me. I'm fucking rich

and young and beautiful
and fucking single!

(sighing):
God.

Yes, I love my life.

♪ Take it off

♪ Take it off

♪ Take it off.

Meow.