House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 12 - House of Lies - full transcript

Doug pops the question to his girlfriend, Sarah, who plans a shotgun wedding in Las Vegas on the eve of the Pod closing a major business deal there. However, Marty's backhanded dealings lead to increased tension and unintended consequences for each member of the Pod.

Previously on House of lies...

I'm out,
I will start my own shop.

You want to fuck my shit up?
I will fuck

yours up, too.

I was thinking that
it was time for you

to run your own pod.

- I thought you were coming with me.
- I am.

- I can't do it. I'm calling Marty.
- No!

You're gonna go in there,

and you're gonna
do this yourself.

Because of my connections,

I'm gonna bring so much

after work casheesh
to this company.

I'm just saying that the Carlson
deal is not even closed yet.

Is something going on
with you and Marty?


Are you breaking up with me?

I don't think you should.

I'm sorry.

You fucked me over, okay?

You played me.

Let's go to Vegas.

Copy of the deal is sitting
on my desk.

I'll sign it when I get there.

You motherfucker!

Mr. pincus,
fucking over Mike Carlson?

That has got to be
pretty fucking exciting.

Kiddies, take
a good look around.

By this time tomorrow,
we don't work here anymore.

- Please come with me, sir.
- Please join them.

- All right.
- Photo time now?

Great. Perfect. All right, let's do it.

Here. All right.

Uh... give me
a little smile. You know,

pretend that you're enjoying
yourself. Well, no, no, no,

hold on, hold on. This is
not what we talked about.

And cue artsy bullshit.
What we talked about...

correct me if I'm wrong...
is a stark,

uninflected style, reminiscent
of late-career avedon.

You said you knew who that was.

I didn't.

Doug, no one gives a fuck.

- I give an "f," okay?
- You know,

why don't we just do bunny ears
and say "cheese"?

Why don't we just take
this goddamn fucking picture?

Everyone do bunny ears,
I'll do 'em on myself.

I am.
Well, you know, it's...

I still say you're an idiot.

- Jeannie / - Confirms
- Kids?

Five minutes, my office, guys.

"Five minutes,
my office." My God.

That might be the last time
we ever hear those words.

You think about that?
I'm pretty sure

he'll have an office
in the new shop, right?

So we're into some
endgame shit right now.

We got to finesse
this a little.

C-can I just suggest

that this might be a good time
to take a beat?

Do a really
deep drill-down

and verify that
the environmentals are even ripe

for a new shop, They may not be.

Douglas, did someone sprinkle
a little extra pussy

in your cereal this morning?

This move

is fucking epic,
we get it done now,

Okay. No.

All right.
So because

I'm approaching this very
significant event

with careful consideration,
I'm a pussy?

I was afraid you wouldn't
catch on, but...

Do you want to be uninvited
to the wedding?

Keep going like this, I will
snap my fingers and you're done.

That is the social
event of the season,

and I need to be there.

I've already rented my tuxedo.

Everybody who's everybody's gonna
be there. Take your tux back.

Us magazine, people
magazine... you're not coming.

Hey, team dipshit! Listen.

Okay, here it is.

Carlson is out, pincus is in.


We are pulling
the deal from Carlson,

and we are taking pincus
to the new shop.


Hold on, wait.
No, pincus was out.

The-the paperwork is going
to be finalized tomorrow,

maybe even tonight.

We're gonna keep it

business as usual.
We get on that plane,

take that flight to Vegas,

but instead of closing Carlson,
we close pincus.


And so Carlson...

Dead to us.


You knew about this?

Um... yeah.

As soon as that ink

is dry on that contract,


Buh-bye, galweather stearn.

- Are you excited?
- Yes!


You know what, buddy?
I'm gonna need you

to break that down for me...

How are you holding up?


You know, post-Tamara.

Oh. Fuck that.

Get your purse,
I want to show you something.

Here it is.

I don't have to say a word

when I show a
property like this,

because it's... I mean,
look at this view.

The light, the space...

it sells itself, really,
a space like this.

And the building...

I thought you weren't
gonna say a word.

Didn't he say there's
gonna be no words,

And then words just

I like it.

Do you?

Me, too.

I'm just wondering,

is it a bit big for us?

Well, honey, it's not
just gonna be us forever.

Oh, honey.

I mean, we got to think
about the little ones.

Are you saying
what I think you're saying?



Oh, my God,
those are the exact names.

I picked out!


- I mean...
- You remember?

She turned to me and said,
"you ever leave me,

I'll kill myself."

I said,
"I'll kill you."

Is that what it was?

You do like me, huh?

If I could say a few words,
if that's fine?


All right, shoot.

Well, first of all,

I think after Sarah
got over her intense

attraction to me...

She did really well,

settling for her second choice,

Doug guggenheim.

Thank you.

about my unbelievable

except to say to the ladies
that I am single

and available
for one night only, tonight.

Molly? Okay? Okay.

I'll see you there.
Start stretching now.


I'll get on track, I'm sorry.

Doug guggenheim...

Doug guggenheim is
my best friend.

Fuck. I hate to admit it,
but it's true, man.

And even harder to admit is...
That I admire him.

I'm gonna throw up.

You okay? Ugh, I can feel it

coming up a little bit.

I might really throw up.

I just have never said
those words out loud before.

But you know what?
It's true.

All of that is true.

I absolutely admire him.

I mean, in this horrible,
cynical, dying world,

Doug's utter lack of irony

and his complete
and total devotion to Sarah,

his unwillingness
to let his fear of the future

topple the love
and desire he has to spend

the rest of his life
with someone

that he truly cares about...
someone that he truly loves...

I mean, that is
something that is completely

foreign to me.

And heroic.

And I'm really,
really happy for him.

I'm happy for both of you.


Uh, let's go.

Put your alcohol in your hand,

raise it, elevate it...

All right. Here we go.

To my best friend Doug

and his beautiful wife Sarah. Aw.



Doug and Sarah.

Oh, wow. Well...

I wish you'd told me...



Can I talk to you for a sec?

Uh, yeah.


Give me a little smile.

You know, pretend that you're
enjoying yourself.

Why don't we just do bunny ears
and say "cheese"?

Why don't we just take this
goddamn fucking picture?

Everyone do bunny ears,
I'll do 'em on myself.

You know what?

And, of course,
Marty is amazing.

You know, he's Marty kaan.

He's-he's the man.

He's the-the...
Kaan man.

You know,
he's got the-the magic,

the-the touch.

He's got the killer body,
you know.

Honey... I just feel
like I'm making such

traction at galweather.

Yesterday, I had the most
fantastic conversation

with julianne...
As I brought in her cappuccino.

But maybe I should stay
with the pod, you know?

We're on such a hot
streak right now.

It's almost like we're
the fantastic four.

You know?

What am I saying?

It's exactly like
we're the fantastic four.

God, think about it.

Marty's Reed Richards,
of course, you know?

I'm Johnny storm. "Flame on."
That's classic Doug.

And Jeannie's sue storm, so...

They're brother and sister,

so nothing going on there.

And-and, you know, Clyde is
obviously the thing, Ben grimm.

And our superpowers

all complement one another.

So I guess that's an argument
for going with Marty.

God, to break that up
would be a tragedy.

Mm. Right? There's no fantastic three.

I mean, for alliteration
sake alone...

You know what, sweetheart...

I know, I know. I...

Superheroes aren't real,
most of them.

Oh, actually...

Excuse me, is dessert included?

Oh, my God!


Uh! Yes!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!


Oh. Mm, mm!

Oh, my...
It's beautiful.

It's perfect.

Ooh, just...

Let's do it tomorrow. Huh?

Let's just do this.

Let's get married
in Vegas, tomorrow,

on your trip,
because I want to be.

Mrs. Doug guggenheim...


Let's do it!

Let's just... do you...

You want to just
do this, right?

Let me get this straight.

You did not intend
to propose to Sarah,

yet you left the restaurant
with another girl's ring?

What was I supposed to do?

Oh, my God!
Oh, I don't know, tell her?

You don't understand.

There were people
clapping and applauding.

There was nothing I could do.

That was it. That
Oh, my God.

I just figured it out.

You cheap motherfucker!

You didn't tell Sarah

because you got a free ring
out of the deal! Doug...

What?! No!


Absolutely not...


Not entirely.
No. No.

Oh, shit.
That is...

You know, she's already invited
all her friends.

That's it. That's done.

And she's in Vegas, right now,
taking care of everything.

It's-it's... I...

God, it's just moving so fast.

And I love her, you know that.

And I want to marry her. Yes. Of course.

And you got a free
ring out of the deal.

I did. I did,
and that's nice.

I still say you're an idiot.


"Five minutes, my office." My God.

That might be the last time

we ever hear those words.
You think about that?

I'm pretty sure he'll have an
office in the new shop, right?

Oh, shit, actually... Marty!
Hey, Marty!

Marty. Marty.
I'm sorry.

Just, uh, about tonight...

I would be honored

if you would do a
reading in my wedding.

Think kahlil gibran, you know?

I even had a passage
picked out.

"Even as the strings
of the lute are alone

"though they quiver
with the same

music, it..."
Think about it.

So... okay.

With this ring,

I do commit myself to you

as your everlasting lover.

May it encircle your finger

the way I will encircle you.

Here you go. Yeah, just...

Hey, Sarah, when this is all
over, can I talk to you more

about this work thing?
Doug, we need to talk.

Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have
talked about work.

I'm sorry, so stupid.
No, no, no...

Would you just give us a minute.

Sure, yes.

I just to talk to you...
I said I was sorry, I...

It's okay, cold feet sometimes.

Are... are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey, can you please stop taking
the-the photos, sir, please?


Doug, I lied.

Oh, shit... Clyde was right.

What did Clyde say?

Well, that you probably

have a rap sheet
and at least two kids.

Oh... no, but that's
good to know.

Oh, my God, I was worried.


Well, the proposal?


It wasn't exactly fate.

I orchestrated it.


Wait, you bought the ring?


Oh, my... and it's paid for?


It is.

I just didn't want to be

the girl who gets bitter
while she's sitting around

waiting for a proposal,
but then I realized

this is not really the best...

That's pretty bat-shit
crazy, Sarah.

I know that it is.

I'm crazy.

You don't have
to marry me tonight,

but I really, really
need you to forgive me,

because I don't...

I don't know what I would do
if I lost you.

Well, no one's ever been scared
of losing me before.

Of course I'll marry you.


With this ring,

I marry this
smoking hot motherfucker.

Now by the power

vested in me excuse me.

By the state of Nevada,
I now pronounce you husband

and wife. You may
kiss the bride.

Give me a little smile,
you know,

pretend that you're
enjoying yourself.

Why don't we just do bunny ears
and say "cheese"?

Why don't we just take
this goddamn fucking picture?

I'll do 'em on myself, okay?

Buh-bye, Carlson.

Buh-bye, galweather stearn.


You know what, buddy,
I'm gonna need you

to break that down for me.

Carlson is what? That Carlson
deal was every bit as much mine

as it was that motherfucker's.

How does he have the right
to fucking steal it

right from underneath me?

Right, every bit as much yours?

No, I mean, yeah, every
bit as much yours.

Everything is fucked up.

The dushkins twins...
that's gonna be fucked up.

The bank that I make
off that fucking deal...

that's gonna be fucked up.

This was supposed to be
a game-changer for me, and

he just does whatever the fuck
he wants without even thinking.

Anytime he wants, he just pulls
the fucking rip cord.

He doesn't even...

And I thought
my thing with Marty

was just on a whole
nother level, man.

I thought as friends, as equals.

But it turns out,

I'm a fucking idiot.

He doesn't give a fuck about me.

I know, classic Marty, huh?

No, yeah, he's an asshole.

- See you guys in a minute.
- See you guys.

I was a huge part
of making that deal happen,

and Marty did
an end run around me,

totally fucking me over
with those guys.

Their name is douchebag?

That is...

That is unfortunate.

Their last name is dushkin.
We call them douchebags because...

I don't care.

The headline of this is
just Marty's total

lack of gratitude for
the hard work that I put in

every fucking day,
his absence of reciprocity...

All right, Mrs. Robinson,
what's up?

You could be very soon.


I am so bored right now.

I did not agree to this lunch

to play shrinky-mommy to
your man-crush on Marty kaan.

He breaks hearts,
you know that.

Stop being such a little bitch.

I don't think I'm being
a bitch right now.

Your so-called instrumental
role in this deal...

at the end of the day,
what was it really?

If I hadn't introduced him
to the douchebags,

he would've never met Carlson.

Come on. You don't think
he just would've found

another way to Carlson?

But he didn't.

Why should he
take you seriously?

Better yet... why should I?

Because I'm about
to make you mountains of cash.

Give me a little smile,
you know, pretend that

you're enjoying yourself.
Why don't we just

do bunny ears and say "cheese"?

Why don't we just take this
goddamn fucking picture?

Everyone, do bunny ears.

Hi, Marty.

Hey, julianne.

Oh, I left

my car parked...

Ah, come hither.

Come on, come on.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Not too bad.


God, you know, I just...

I just had the most interesting
conversation with Mike Carlson.

He said you two went hunting.


Apparently you made quite
an impression on him.

You know, okay, he
said... and I'm...

I'm gonna quote here...
he is looking forward to

"loads more playtime
with Marty."


Here's what I'm thinking.

I think that Carlson

is gonna keep galweather
on to handle

the after-work on the
online casino acquisition.

That's what I'm thinking.

I think...

That Mike Carlson is as crazy
as a shit-house rat

and he's willing to pay
top dollar to toy

with me for his own
fucked-up amusement.

As long as we get paid, right?

You know what?



Goon! Oh.



Oh, Tammy.

That's for you.


This is travel for Vegas.

You can read.
Can you fuck off for a second?

Thank you.
Marty, I'm not

going to Vegas after you
fucked me on the Carlson deal.

So you can get one
of your lackeys to carry

your goddamn briefcase.

Oh, baby girl, not only
are you gonna go to Vegas,

but you're gonna wear
a big fucking smile

while you're holding
my briefcase

or I will blow up
your goddamn deal at demark.


See you in Vegas.

I still say you're

an idiot... Jeannie?

Kids? Five minutes
in my office, please?

Okay. "Five minutes, my office."
My God.

That might be the last time
we ever hear those words.

You think about that? I'm pretty
sure he'll have an office...

What, another one?

What else do you have
up your sleeve?

Come on.


Oh, my God.
Oh, good.

Oh, my God. Look
at the detailing!

That's where I aced
risk and statistical analysis.

It's perfect.
You're perfect.


That's fucking Harvard.

Sarah got a cake made
in the shape of Harvard.

- I wouldn't have done that.
- And look at

the bobble heads.
They act just like them.

As long as it's not lemon,
I don't give a rat's ass.

Everyone say "Harvard."



Harvard. All right.

Come on, Mrs. guggenheim.

We're celebrating this.

So what's up with
the pincus deal... you close?

It's looking good.

I'm waiting for a call
from the lawyers.

We're close.
When have you ever waited, okay?

Can you chill out?
I'm gone...

Chill out.
Yeah, but it's...



Room service.


Real fucking cute telling
julianne about the deal.

I don't know what you're
talking about. You don't...?

Don't bullshit me, Tamara.

My fucking e-mails are gone,
my account has been wiped out.

I can't get back
on the server, the...

My phone doesn't even work.

But you can bet your
ass I'll borrow

a phone and call demark.

Marty, why would I
ever do that to you?

Don't fucking
play with... oh.

Ain't this about a bitch.
Hey, Marty.

Hey, Kevin.

Yeah, little lovers' getaway?

Hey, man, you made
her come to Vegas

for this bullshit,
so all that attitude,

you can probably lose it.

Yeah, I did make her fucking
come... please, honey.

Babe, please.
It doesn't matter.

Yeah, it doesn't matter, kev.

Marty, I would never
do that to you.

We have way too much history.

I would never.

Have a great night.

Let's go, put your
alcohol in your hand, raise it,

All right, come on, yeah.

I could use this.

To my best friend Doug
and his beautiful wife Sarah.


I say cheers.


Wow, Clyde, that was, uh...

Oh, my God, if I'd known
it was gonna be like that...

Can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, yeah.

What's up?

I, um...

Not much.

Oh, okay, 'cause, Jeannie,

the shit's kind of hitting
the fan right now, so...

I broke up with Nate.

Dildo king?


So, no royal wedding?

No, I don't think so, no.

You drunk?

No, I'm not drunk enough.

Okay, so...?
Um, Marty,

that night...

The... you know, the night
the merger fell through,

and I blew the whistle
on the rainmaker? Yeah.

Yes, that night,

I said something to you.

I was totally wasted

and vulnerable and scared,
but I meant it, meant...

What I said, and I'm

now done minimizing it

and rationalizing and
thinking instead of feeling.

I love you.

I love you.

Jesus, Jeannie.

"Jesus, Jeannie."

That's all you've got?

Are you fucking kidding me?
You're gonna do this right now?

Julianne wiped out
all my fucking files,

pincus deal isn't closed yet,

and then you're gonna
pick right now

to tell me about
your schoolgirl crush?


That night, I...

You said you loved me back.

I know you were drunk, too,

but you meant it,
Marty, I know you did.

Don't just stand here
with your files erased

and no one caring when
you come home at night,

thinking that your
life is manageable.

Don't tell me, Marty,
that you don't know

that there's something here,
and that whatever it is,

just has you too scared
to move a muscle.

Jeannie, what do you want?

Just don't.
What do you want me to...

Don't. No.


Um, uh, hey, Marty,
I need to talk to you.

No, no, not now. This is
not a good time right now.

No, no, no, please don't tell me
it's not a good time.

And don't tell me to,
"shut the fuck up, Doug,"

okay, because this is
my wedding night

and I just need
a moment of your time.

Okay, go on.

Okay. Obviously,
you're my mentor...

Doug, I'm not your
fucking mentor.

No more jokes, okay?

No off-switch, this guy.
I'm serious.

It often comes as a blow
when a very special mentee

says, "hey, I'm gonna take
everything my sensei taught me,

spread my wings and move on."

Well, in my case, I have
decided to spread my wings

and stay at galweather.

That's great.

This was not an easy decision
for me to make, okay?

And I am super grateful
for everything you've taught me,

but this is something
I absolutely have to do.

I understand, Doug,
I understand.

God. Bring it in.
What are you doing?

Tuck it in. I don't want to tuck it in.

Mad love, Marty.

Doug, you got...
Let me.

I know you're hurting,
Marty. I know.


What are you doing?

I had a feeling julianne
would hit up all your files,

so I backed you up
on a zip drive.

I kept it with me.
It just slipped. There it is.

Just give it to me later,

I, um,

I really don't want
to see to you later.

Just take it.

Come on, jea...

Absolutely perfect,

because that's the way
that, um...

Hey-hey, you two.

Hey, Jeannie, I need
to get everyone

from galweather together
for a photo...

Marty, you're the last
piece of the puzzle.

I had problems with this. Okay.

I don't want to do the
same... what are you doing?

You know what? Can I just
get you to start it off?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Doug, Doug?

You have a phone?
Oh, Marty, of course.

It is the least I can do. Great.

Do you feel better?

I always feel better
after a good cry.

One second. I got it.

That is deep in the sporran.


Here, can you hold that
for just a second?

I don't need a tampon.
I really need a phone.

I'll get to the phone.

I don't need a tic tac
or a tampon.

Oh! Doug, are
you fucking kidding me?

No, no.
Give me your phone.

All right, great. Photo time.
This will be great.

I've been looking forward to
this all day. All right, give me a

little smile. You know, pretend
that you're enjoying yourself.

This is not what we talked
about. And cue artsy bullshit.

Doug, no one gives a fuck.
I give an "f."

Why don't we just do bunny ears
and say "cheese"?

Why don't we just take this
goddamn fucking picture?

Just smile, okay?!

Thought you could
fuck me on this deal?!

I did fuck you on this deal!

Who's your spy, Mike?!
Who's your fucking spy?!

I fucking told him.

I told julianne, too.

I'm taking Carlson
to kinsley with me.

Monica's gonna be so
happy, so why don't you

get the fuck off my client?
How about I fucking...

Fucking bring it!

No one move! Oh, my God!

I am so gonna fuck you up!

I am gonna fucking shit
all over your life!

I'm gonna make you
a motherfucking asterisk

on a pimple on the fucking ass
of management consulting!

I got the picture of the cake
before it was destroyed. No!

- Goddamn it!
- It's ruined.

I don't know why I expected

any fucking less
from these assholes.

Don't touch my doll!

I'm sorry, baby.

No, I'm... they should apologize
to us. Fucking assholes.

I told you. I knew
this would happen.

Hey, I told you to stop
taking photos and videos!

Now he's upset.
This is our wedding.

Ah, I got cake on my cape.

Let me see the cape.

The pincus deal closed.

Congratulations, Marty.

Thank you.



Look at you.

Cool digs, dad.

You can you afford this?

Let me see. I
have the world's

third-largest bank
as a client.

Um, hmm, what else?

Oh, yes, an historic
casino poised

to make a monster comeback...


Um, two very deep-stacked
hedge funds.

Oh, yeah, an artisanal

just in case your
boy get thirsty.

Stop it! Stop it!

So holla at ya boy.

Hey, let's do this.

Now you're talking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some of the good stuff.

Yeah. Stand back, son.
It's gonna pop.

All right.
It's gonna pop.

I can't wait for this, man.



Yes, sir.

What are we toasting to?

What do you think
we're toast to?

To kaan and associates.

Kaan and associates.
Kaan and associates.

That's it.

Mm-hmm, that's
the good stuff.


So, dad...

Where is sir Clyde's office
gonna be?

Uh, Clyde is actually
gonna go to work

for your mom.

That's weird.
Yeah, I know.

What about Doug the gug?


The gug is staying
at galweather stearn.

He got a good opportunity,
so he's gonna,

he's gonna stay there...
it's fine.

Jeannie's coming, right?
She's-she's gonna come.

Yeah, she's coming.

We're in, um, you know,

the final stages
of the contract.

It's standard back-and-forth

You know how that is.

Uh, but it should be done
by the end of,

uh, I don't know,
this week... soon.

Yeah, nobody can close
like Marty kaan.

Hey, say that again.

Nobody can close
like Marty kaan.

Look around, look around.

All right, all right.

I'm proud of you, son.

Thanks, pa.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are currently third in line
for takeoff

and are expected
to be in the air

in approximately
seven minutes' time.

We ask that you please fasten
your seatbelts at this time

and secure all baggage
underneath your seat

or in the overhead compartment.


Leave a message
and I'll call you back.


Hey, Jeannie, it's Marty.


Um, blowing you up.

In the new space. It's dope.

Just popped some champagne.

You should be here. Pop's here.

Roscoe's here asking about you.

Now you say...

I can't do this
without you, okay?

I can't any of it without you.

So stop, you know,
being, um... a baby.

You're a fucking idiot.

# Roar, roar,
the thunder and the roar #

# sumbitch is never coming
back here no more #

# moon in the window
and a bird on the pole #

# always find a millionaire
to shovel all the coal #

# clap hands #

# clap hands #

# shine, shine,
a Roosevelt dime #

# all the way to Baltimore
and running out of time #

# the salvation army seem
to wind up in the hole #

# they all went to heaven
in a little rowboat #

# clap hands #

# clap hands #

# clap hands, clap hands. #