Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - Mein Coming Out - full transcript

Jane, this brunch is amazing.

Oh, please. I was just
reading some cooking blogs

and got a little epicurious
and decided to just, you know,

throw together whatever
looked fun. Candied walnut?

These are fantastic.
Did you make 'em yourself?

Couldn't have been easier.

You just crack 'em, hole 'em,
toast 'em,

brush 'em with a little bit
of olive oil,

then rub 'em with
cayenne pepper, some turmeric

and some cinnamon sugar,
and you put 'em in the oven

for a quick roast,
flipping them every five minutes



- for... an hour and a half.
- Are you crying?

A little bit.
I am just so tired.

Guys, I hate to be the girl
that, like,

makes every conversation
about her,

- but let's be honest.
- You are.

Yeah, I am. I'm going
on a blind date tonight

with the most amah-zing
sounding guy, Roger.

Are people still named Roger?

You gotta cancel it. You have
a date tonight with me.

My parents are in town.

You're my girlfriend
of three years.

Oh, my God.
I totally forgot they were coming.

I'm so sorry.
I can't be your beard.

You're telling me that one
single date with some stranger



is more important to you
than what we fake have?

Yeah, and honestly,
I'm sick of being your beard.

I mean, for someone who behaves
nothing like a gay guy,

you have even less of an idea
how to act like a straight guy.

How about these things, huh?
Can't get enough of these.

Am I right? Yeah!

And then you followed it with
"and don't even get me started

- "with what's going on down there."
- So what am I gonna do?

- Maybe you should come out. - Ugh.
Coming out is so gay. And why should I?

My parents only visit,
like, once every two years.

Hey, wait. I can be your beard,
but I wanna be named Larissa,

- and I'm a... Sculptress.
- Jane, will you do it?

- Why me?
- Why not me?

- Please, you're my only hope.
- I just offered.

Jane, there is no one else
that can do this.

Wait. Can nobody hear me?
Am I ghost? - Yes.

It's nothing personal.
I just personally feel

- that Jane would be better at it.
- How is that not personal?

It's true.
I'd be an awesome beard.

- Parents love me.
- So you'll do it.

No, Max. It's time
for you to come out.

- Jane's right.
- Look, I hear you guys.

Alex, will you do it?

No! I offered three times
and you insulted me to my face.

It's only 'cause I thought
I had someone better.

I mean...

So I don't know where
I'm gonna find a perfect girl

- to play a beard by 7:00.
- Hey, I got a crazy thought.

Put you in a dress and lipstick
like sexy bugs bunny? - Idiot.

Come out to your parents.
It won't be that bad.

They're sweet liberal Jews.

First of all, you never know
how they're gonna react.

Second of all, they're obsessed
with grandkids.

How bad are they gonna freak
when I tell 'em

- I can't have kids?
- You can still have kids.

- Ugh! I don't want kids.
- Max, these are just excuses. All right?

I know it's hard, but come on.
You should tell 'em tonight.

- I'll come with you for moral support.
- You'd do that for me?

Of course I would, buddy,
'cause I love ya.

Plus you know my dad's
gonna pay for dinner.

Yeah, I'm gonna get two apps
and probably a steak.

- Yeah, crab mashed potatoes.
- Love me some crab mash-up.

Unbelievable.
I spent three hours,

and nobody even noticed
the homemade napkin rings

- made from rickrack.
- I noticed.

Really? Can you point to them
on this table?

Why you gotta do that?

Was it wrong that
I didn't wanna be Max's beard?

I just think
he'd be so much happier

if he were honest with his parents.

Yeah, totally.
Just curious. Didn't it take you,

like, six months,
before you told your parents

- you were living with a black guy?
- That had nothing to do with race.

My parents don't see color.

They just see sleeping
with their daughter.

Oh, I sleep the sleep out of that.

I know you do. Anyway,
I just needed to tell them

- in my own time.
- As opposed to Max,

who has to tell his parents
he's gay tonight

because his straight friends
think he should?

- No, that is totally different.
- How?

Why you gotta do that?

♪

Excuse me. Are you Sarah?

No. Oh. And I'm guessing
you're not Roger.

Is it too late to say that I am?

Is it too early to say,
"how do you like your eggs?"

I'm sorry.
Oh, when I get nervous,

I turn into Blanche
from "The Golden Girls."

I'm a Sophia man myself.

- Oh.
- I'm Doug.

Hi. Penny. Uh, so you're waiting
for a blind date, too?

I was, but I've been here,
like, a half an hour.

- I think I've been stood up.
- Penny? Penny Hartz?

Penny Hartz?

Penny Hartz?

And it looks like
I've been stood up, too, so...

Did you wanna give him
another minute?

- I'm good.
- You sure?

- Yeah.
- Okay. You want a drink?

- Yes, please.
- All right.

Okay.

- Oh, Max! Maxie!
- Hey, Max. We're here.

- Over here?
- You see us?

- We're here! - No, they're
not here. Let's go.

Hey, it's gonna be all right.

Now man up and tell 'em
you like dudes.

Get over here now!

Hey, mom.

- Hello, sweetheart.
- Hey, hey.

- Hi, honey.
- Good to see ya.

- Are you warm enough?
- Yes, I'm warm enough.

Hi, dad. How are you?

Oh, and Dave, too. Mwah! Dave,
this is such a nice surprise.

Where's Penny? We were
soexcited to see her.

Oh, she couldn't make it.

Why?

- She's busy.
- They broke up.

Well, which is it...
busy? Broke up?

Ooh, you know,
breakups are still a bit

- of a hot-button issue for this guy.
- Dave, honey, do you wanna talk about it?

- Actually, Max is the one who really...
- 'cause from what Max has told us,

that Alex girl leaving you...
that was the best thing

- that could have happened.
- That's what I've been saying.

Now you're free to be
who you are. - Exactly.

And find happiness with men.

Yes! Wait. What's that
with the men thing?

Could you give us
a quick second?

I'm gonna order one more drink.

Quick sidebar... my parents
think you're gay. = What?

- Like, super gay.
- Why?

Maybe the Ellen haircut. Look,
in college, my parents found

my porn underneath my mattress,
and I panicked.

- I said it was yours. - Why would
my porn be under your mattress?

I panicked again, and I said
that you used to lie in my bed

- and were obsessed with me.
- You are not good under pressure.

- Don't you think I know that?
- We are clearing this up once and for all.

Howard, Pauline,
Max has something

he's been meaning to tell you
for a long, long time.

Uh... this is, uh,
kinda tough to say,

but, um, Dave's gay.

- Oh, honey, we knew that.
- Yeah, it's pretty obvious.

Max.

The reason I'm not dating
Penny anymore is 'cause...

I'm, um...

Hey, boo!
So sorry I'm late. Hi.

- Hi.
- I'm dating Jane now.

- Ah.
- Hmm?

Get a load of these. Huh?

- I love... lady parts.
- Do you?

Yes.

I can't believe
we just met.

- You're so easy to talk to.
- You, too.

And usually on first dates,
I feel so much pressure

- to pretend I read.
- I know. I hate reading.

- Ugh.
- Here you go.

- Oh, no, let me get this.
- So sweet.

Penny?

Penny Hartz?

Penny.

Hey. Can I take you
to dinner tomorrow night?

This bar's fine
for a blind date,

but you deserve to be taken
somewhere exceptional.

Wow. How are you
still single?

I could ask the same thing
about you.

Excuse me for a second.

Oh, black card. Are you
enjoying your reward points,

mister...

"Hitler"?

Mom, dad, I'm so happy you get
to meet my new girlfriend,

and, honey, so glad
you got to make it.

- I am gonna grab a chair.
- I'll help you with that chair. Jane?

So... You don't wanna
help with your own chair?

Hi.

- That must be quite a chair.
- Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I thought we agreed Max
is gonna come out tonight.

I thought about it,

and I decided it is not up to us
to push him if he is not ready.

So you're gonna let him
live a lie? That sucks.

Hey! You don't talk
to my girlfriend like that!

Listen, Jane,
if you're gonna do this,

there's a lot of backstory
that you need to know.

Don't worry.
I am gonna crush this.

I am parent heroin, okay?

Pauline, Howard, it is so great
to finally meet you.

I have
an awesome weekend planned.

Pauline, tomorrow morning,
you, me, outlet malls,

and then at noon, Howard and I
are gonna tee off, and bring

your wallet, 'cause I am not
gonna go easy on you, okay?

Really? That is so great.
You're not too busy?

No, I would do anything
for the two people

that made this guy possible.

- Right, honey?
- Yeah.

- Come here.
- What?

- Come here. Mm.
- Okay.

Dave, don't be jealous.

You'll meet your knight
in shining armor.

I'm not jealous,
'cause I'm not gay.

Okay, two scotches,
ahd here's your daiquiri.

Really, guy, that's your timing?

You know, that's an interesting
name... Hyte-ler.

It's Hitler. Oh, it's not
pronounced "hyte-ler"?

- No.
- Could it be?

This always happens.

Whenever girls hear my name,
all they can think is,

"Is he related
to that Hitler?"

I am not thinking that.
Are you?

No, of course not.
There's no relation at all.

And your family never
considered changing the name?

Okay, here it is.

The American Hitlers came
to this country 200 years ago.

We were regular solid citizens.

My cousin, Ron Hitler,
owns the second largest

mattress chain in the midwest.

Does he sell a lot of
"mein kampforters"?

That's good. Look,
you seem great, and I swear,

I am normal, so can we go back
to when you were just Penny,

and I was just Doug,
a guy hoping that you'd have

dinner with him tomorrow night?

Yes, yes, I would love
to have dinner with you,

Doug Hi... Doug.

Takes some getting used to,
huh?

Yes. Yes, it does.

So...

They loved me.

Knew they would.

I mean, I'm not surprised.

I was funny, warm, affectionate.

That's great, babe.

- How affectionate?
- Oh, you know, we held hands,

some light nuzzling, kissed once
or twice. - You kissed Max?

Well, I had to sell it.
I mean, I was on fire.

I mean, I worked
in some yiddish,

- a little golf talk...
- was there tongue?

Why are you being so weird
about this? He's gay.

Is he now? Seems convenient.

Is this really bothering you?

No. Not really jealous.
I know I'm your only boo-boo.

Oh.

Hey, boo. It's Max. So?

You nailed it.

Yes! I knew it! I knew it!
I'm parent heroin.

They have got a Jane addiction,
and it's bad.

I'm talking "shaking at
a bus stop, willing to do

downstairs stuff for a nickle
bag of me" bad.

So should I pick your mom up
at 9:00 tomorrow, or...

That's kinda what
I was calling about.

You see, my dad has this
business thing that came up,

and they're on, like,
a 6:00 A.M. flight.

- Oh, that's too bad.
- Yeah, they're bummed.

But operation beard
was a huge success.

I owe you big-time.

If you ever wanna get
into a country club

and you're looking for, like,
a fake white husband,

I'm your guy.

They're leaving early.

God, I was so looking forward
to hanging out with them.

Oh.

No. Feels dirty now.

I had the weirdest date
last night.

Okay, I made out with Max in
front of his parents last night,

so you might not wanna play
weird date poker with me.

You decided to go? How was it?

Nailed it.
They loved me. They had to leave early,

but Max said
they were devastated

they didn't get to spend
more time with me.

Really? 'Cause they look like
they're doing okay to me.

Oh, uh... I...

Hello, Max.

- I'm sorry. Did I startle you?
- You're not sorry.

You're sitting alone
in my apartment in the dark.

- Pretty sure you meant to do that.
- I just wanted to come by,

make sure your parents
got off okay.

Yeah. It's great. Fine.

You sure?
No long lines at the terminal?

No delays?

No, it was smooth.
You know...

Oh, good.

Good, good, good, 'cause there
can be such a long wait

for a table at Emma's.

Yeah, well, since that review
came out, you know, and...

All right, fine.
They're still here.

They're not leaving
till tonight.

Why did you tell me they were leaving?
They loved me. - Uh...

They didn't love me?

- Uh...
- But I killed.

I don't think you understand
what "killed" means

in this context.

So the other night, Maxie and I
got in our first fight,

and I tried to stay mad at him,
but look at this punim.

How could you stay mad
at this punim? How could ya?

Ooh, give me this punim.

Oh.

But you know. You know, since
he gets it from this guy.

Huh? Ooh, look at you.

Oh. This shiksa's gotta pish.

- She's even learning yiddish.
- Boy, she's a keeper.

- Yes, I am.
- I know, I know, I know.

- I can't stand that woman.
- What? I thought you liked her.

What did you think we liked?

The bizarre amount of time
she French-kissed you in public?

- on the anti-semitic.
- That girl is so...

- Hey! Forgot my purse.
- Hey.

We're gonna have
to put a bell on you.

Oh! Ding, ding, ding.
Come here.

But I though it was doing
you a mitzvah.

Enough with the yiddish.

Okay, this one or this one?

You know what? I think
you should wear pants.

You know? It'll give you
more freedom to goose-step.

I can't find that funny.

Oh, come on.

I wiki'd "World War II"
just for this conversation.

So what are you and Hitler
gonna do tonight?

- Movie? Dinner? Invade Poland?
- Are you done?

I got one more.
I hope he's Mr. Reich.

Glad we waited for that one.

Do you think I'm crazy,
going out with him?

I mean, if we got married,
okay, this is my future...

Penny Hitler,
Doug and Penny Hitler.

Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Hitler?

Ooh, the "Douglas" helps
a little.

Look, why don't you just
keep "Penny Hartz"?

Or you can hyphenate it.
Penny Hartz-Hitler.

Yeah, that's a winner.

Come on.
If this guy's last name

is the worst thing about him,
that's not so bad.

I mean, he sounds like
a pretty great guy.

You know, you're right.
You are right!

What does a name even matter?
I mean, who cares, right?

I dated that turkish guy,
Ahneed Jirnutz.

Oh, I liked A.J.

What went wrong with that?

Hey, Max.

Is this Alex, or is this
Larissa the sculptress

with the sultry voice?

- What happened to Jane?
- She tanked.

You were right. Please, Al.
I really need your help on this.

That's all I needed to hear.

Just give me the deets,
and Larissa is on her way.

8:30, okay..

Thank you so much Oh, could you do me
a favor? Go easy on the Jewish stuff.

Jane tried it...
not well received.

Got it.

- I am gonna be Max's beard.
- So weird you wanna do that.

Have fun with Hitler tonight.

Make sure he doesn't get
in your panzer. What? Boom!

Dude, why do you need
another beard?

Your parents already
think you're straight.

Yeah, my mom is Jewish.

If I don't find a girl
that she likes soon,

she's gonna start setting me up

with all her friends'
"fun" single daughters.

Then why not just come out?

I mean, your parents are cool
with me being gay.

Your dad can't stop telling me
how much he loves "Mamma Mia."

Well, you're not their son, Ok?
They're here for 4 more hours.

It's just easier this way.

Really? 'Cause it seems
like a lot of work.

Work? You ever been
on a 6-hour architectural tour

with Miriam Schecter's
daughter Chuchel?

Chuchel Schecter's Jewish?

Only in the face.

How could they not like me?

Well, I like you
and that's all that matters.

- I know what happened.
- Here we go.

I tried too hard.
Probably came off a little needy.

I should go over there and show
them easy, breezy Jane.

There's an easy, breezy Jane?

- Should I wear pearls?
- Don't do this.

You're right. You're right.
No pearls. Keep it simple.

Babe, you did your job.
His parents think he's straight.

Don't go over there.
It's not about you.

You're right. It's not about me.

Now let's go upstairs.

Why don't you lose all of that?

Whoa.

And let's make it
all about you.

Okay.
It's all about me!

What time is it? Sex o'clock.

Damn it! Jane? Don't do...

aah!

- Hi.
- Hey. Come on in.

- Thank you. Wow, you look great.
- Oh, thank you.

So, Penny, I am really
glad you decided to go out with me.

Me, too. It was silly.
I-I really honestly...

I don't have a problem
with your name.

In fact, I kinda like it.
Doug Hitler.

I'm gonna go grab my bag 'cause
I'm going on a date with Hitler.

- Sound good to you, Hitler?
- Uh, sure.

Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

So I made us a reservation
at this cute, little, uh...

Is there something wrong?

What's... this?

Uh, nothing.

Are you obsessed with me
or something? - What? No. Unh-unh.

No, no,
I was just testing it out

to see if I could get
on board with your name.

Oh, well, you seem a little
too on board with it.

Yeah, I was just trying to
imagine how it would be

- in the future.
- After one drink?

Oh. I see what this is.

You're one of
those Hitler freaks.

And I'm the ultimate piece
of memorabilia. - Wait. What?

You weirdos always find me.
So, what, you wanna take me

to some rally,
show me off or something?

No, okay, this is not
what it looks like.

Honestly, can we just
start fresh?

No. That's gonna be hard
to explain.

Yeah.

Where is Alex?
She's, like, 20 minutes late.

It's better this way, you know?

This dinner can be about
you coming out and me coming in.

Max, darling, wanna talk
to you a minute.

So, Maxie, honey,

I know that technically
you're still with Jane,

but Barry Schkolnick's niece
Carrie Schkolnick,

just graduated Brandeis
and is looking for someone

- to show her around.
- Just as friends. But who knows?

Ooh, thanks, Dave.
Your next daiquiri is on me.

Thanks. Stop that.

Max, don't you have
something you wanna tell them?

Uh... yeah, I do have
something to tell you...

Pauline, Howard, you need
to give me a second chance.

You gotta give Jane a second chance.
I'm in love with her. Max.

Look, Jane, you're
only gonna make things wor...

Dude! What the freak, man?
Stop sucking my wife's face.

You're married? How could you?
Who is this man?

- Max. - All right, I'm not in
love with Jane. That was a lie.

But the truth is...
It's... it's kinda hard to say.

Why, sweetie?
What could be so hard?

Guys, babe, I am so sorry
I'm late.

- I had a problem sculptressing.
- This is my new girlfriend.

- Max.
- You called Alex?

- Who's Alex? I'm Larissa.
- Alex.

This is Alex... the
Alex who left you? - Yes.

So you're cheating
on your married girlfriend

with your best friend's
ex-fiancée

' that's why she left him?
' Well, and also 'cause he's gay.

Oh, this is so strange.
You know, Max,

you should have stayed
with that Penny.

- She was a nice, normal girl.
- Hey, guys, guess what?

I finally decide
I'm into Hitler,

and it turns out I'm too much
of a Nazi for him.

What?

Oh, hey, Mr. and Mrs. blum.

Two sluts and a Nazi?
What are you into, Max?

Uh, dudes.

- I'm into guys.
- What did he say?

I'm gay.

You're...
You're gay?

Ohh.

Yeah, I-I...
I wanted to tell you sooner.

I just... I didn't know
how you were gonna react,

and I... I was scared.

So...

You're not dating
any of these women.

I'm not, no.

- Oh, thank God.
- What a relief.

- Oh, what a relief.
- Okay.

What? You're not upset?

Sweetheart, you never need
to be scared to tell us anything.

What matters to us
is that you're happy

and that you're surrounded
by people who love you.

And I love you, Max.

I'm so sorry I was such
a terrible beard.

I'm not gonna lie.
You sucked.

But you did get me here,
so thank you.

- Come here, tataleh.
- Ohh!

- Not you.
- All right.

You.

Aw.

- Aw.
- Yay.

I told you coming out
would be gay.

Oh, you know who's gay,
is Rhoda Kaplan's son.

And he owns a Discotheque.

Oh, and Irma Schaefer's son
just came out.

He has three kids.
Howie, we'd have grandchildren.

Actually, he's spoken for.

I knew it.

Aw!

I appreciate
what you're doing,

but you're not my type.

Aw. Aw. Mm.

So we reviewed your application.

It seems like you're perfect
for Glenoaks Country Club,

Mr. and Mrs. Williams.

Please, call me Bradford,

and call her intellectually
inferior, am I right? That's funny.

Uh, Bradford,
your application says

you like to sail.
I don't like it, sir. I love it.

- Mm. - The sea breeze flowing
through my chest hair.

- All right. - The way my bare
feet feel on the deck.

Mm-hmm. - The seagulls whizzing
by and speaking to one another,

- in their bird language.
- Getting immature. Getting immature.

- Caw! Caw you!
- Mm.

- Caw you, girl!
- Audio.

So tell me, what Marina
do you dock in?

Um, well... the...

Honey, the... there's the...

- the Dennis marina.
- De... nnis.

That was founded by...
Dennis Franz, actually,

in a weird twist.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.

Get a load of these, huh?
Oh, here we go.

There they are.

So...
You'll keep us on file?