Hap and Leonard (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Hap and Leonard - full transcript

Hap and Leonard go on a wild goose chase across the town as new evidence surfaces.

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Previously on Hap and Leonard...















1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7,

8, 9, 10, 11...



You're supposed to count
to 100, Jezebel.

I know!

Start all over,
all the way to 100.

- I will!
- No peeking!

1...

...2, 3, 4...

...5, 6, 7, 8,

9, 10,

- 11, 12...
- Daisy. Daisy! Daisy, get the children!

- 13, 14...
- Let's go. Come on, hurry up, now.

- Go!
- Come on.

Hurry, children, let's go.

- ...26, 27...
- Come on, babies. Come on.

...28, 29...



30, 31, 32...

Come on, children. Let's go.

Let's go. Come on.

Come on.

Where's Jezzy?

Where's Jezzy?

...98, 99, 100!

1...

2...

3...

4...

5...

6...

7...

She ain't for you
is all I'm sayin'.

Woman looks at me
like I'm James Garner.

She black.

Yeah.

Black and beautiful.

And you ain't.

Never stopped me and you.

Me and you ain't
you and her.

Somethin' ain't right.

You didn't think Krazzee Judy
was right for me, either,

as I recall.

Oh, please.
I told you she is crazy.

No, you told me
her name is crazy.

You didn't tell me she was
a contortionist.

Name one contortionist
that ain't crazy.

How many contortionists
you know?

One, and she's crazy.

She used to do this thing
with... with her legs

where...

Damn.

Len.

There goes your alibi.

Who in the hell wanna kill
a old man?

Maybe it was an accident.

You drive into the pond
by accident, you get out.

Well, maybe he had
a heart attack.

Maybe the seat belt broke.

Maybe it wasn't an accident.
I don't know.

Either way, the end result
gon' be the same...

my black ass goin' to jail.

Yeah, come on.
Help me get him outta here.

Oh, hell no. I ain't touching
no dead. That's bad mojo.

Man, I thought you didn't
believe in that shit.

I don't. He did.

I tell you
what's worse mojo is

leaving him here
and not calling the cops.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

Hmm.

Sheriff Valentine?

This is Leonard Pine
and Hap Collins.

We want to report
another dead body.

Mm-hmm, we the last ones
see him alive.

No, sir,
we ain't got no alibi.

Just two Samaritans don't know

whether to check they ass
or scratch they watch.

Have a nice day.

That was good.
You make that up?

I watch a lot of TV.

Come on, I got an idea.

- Push!
- Goddamn it! My sciatica acting up!

Come on, push!

Keep going.

Keep going.

Go.

Go.

Wanna say a few words?

Nah, I'm good.

Aah! Ow!

Ah! Somethin' down here.

Hey.

Ow.

The hell is this?
Give me a hand here.

- Yeah, take...
- Hold on, hold on.

- Wait, wait. You got it?
- Yeah.

Okay.

I got it.

Pull it up now.

That's it.

I don't remember a damn thing
in Chester's lunchbox

about no gate.

At least now we know what
happened to the hands.

I'll ask Florida
to take another look.

She made copies
of everythin'.

Why?

Why'd she make copies?

Or why should I ask her
to take another look?

- Either/or.
- Well, she's our lawyer.

She's my lawyer, Hap.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- What?

Illium's dead,

and this gate is the only thing
standin' between me and jail.

I don't need your lil' pecker
gettin' in the way of that.

Howdy.

Dare I hope this is
a social call, Miss Grange?

I'd like you to recuse yourself
from the Leonard Pine case.

Now why on earth would
I do that?

Because you are not an impartial
judicial authority on the case.

What say now?

40 years is a long time.

Most people don't remember what
they were doin' 40 years ago.

Hell, most people
don't remember

what they were doin'
40 minutes ago.

But I guess...

if your daddy was run over
by some drunk-ass teenager,

40 years might feel like
40 minutes.

And you're implying that
I can't preside over
this case without bias.

Yes, sir, I am.

With respect.

Let me be honest,
Miss Grange.

I don't think about that night
very much.

You need to recuse. Judge.

You need to remember
who I am.

Counselor.

Can I get ya somethin',
Miss Grange?

She was just leavin'.

Thank you, Miriam.

In fact, I am just leavin'.

You believe in reincarnation, Judge?

Why?

'Cause next life,
I'm comin' back as her.

If you gon' be out there
in them streets actin' grown,

you best know how
to feed yourself.

Your grandma teach you
how to cook?

Nah.

My Uncle Chester did that.

He was the best cook
on the block next to MeMaw.

He couldn't touch her pies.

But then again,

she couldn't mess with
his ribs, either.

- Put that on the table for me.
- Okay.

Hey, hey!
Unh-unh-unh-unh, that's mine!

Look, the rule is that

you don't cook,
you don't eat in this house.

Final.

Go on!

And after you make
your breakfast,

you're gon' tell me what's in
this little box o' yours.

We have a warrant
to search the premises.

Can't nothin' them cops do
that Florida can't undo.

You might as well sit still
till she come here.

I tell you, MeMaw.

It was easier for me
being black in Vietnam

than it is
in my own damn country.

Now why you think
Chester paid

for that girl to go
to school?

So she could learn to fight
the white man like a white man,

in they courts.

Old Chester paid
for Florida's law school

after he kicked me out, huh?

I'll be damned.

Now, honey, if you gon'
blame a dead man

for the way things turned out,
you might as well turn in.

You and Leonard need to go talk
to Illium.

I know I told you yesterday
that he'd do the right thing.

But now? I'm...

I-I'm not so sure.

I think we're gonna have
to come up with something else.

- We don't have anything else.
- Well, we'll find something.

- You and Leonard?
- Yeah.

Ugh.
Don't do anything stupid.

Oh, now, that hurt.
That... that... that... ugh.

Anything. You hear me?

Nothin'.

Yes, ma'am.

Dirty old man.

Evening, all.

- Thanks.
- Apples from Florida's tree.

Oh, my, my.

Oh, put them gorgeous things
in the kitchen.

I'm-a make us a apple pie.

I'm taking you for lunch
in Cooperstown.

What's in Cooperstown?

Answers, I hope.

Calm down, Miss Grange.

We got a search warrant.

An anonymous tip, I suppose.

Best kind.

What is Sneed doing here?

Doing his job.

He assaulted my client
while in custody.

I suppose he was just doing
his job then, too?

Miss Grange, I'm sure
you got some other work
you could be doin'.

I think we can finish up things
around here.

Illium Moon was
Chester's associate,

not Leonard.

I can prove it.

So, why haven't you?

Because Illium is afraid
to talk to you.

I wonder why.

Counselor, we're not all
like him.

Lord, I wish that were true.

Let me finish what
I'm doing here,

then you can show me
what you got.

Bobby Babbit.
Charles Brooks.

Bunt Jackson.
Brantley Jermaine House.

The only four whose first
or last names start with "B."

And they all lived
in Cooperstown.

- Cooperstown?
- Mm.

Thought maybe we could start
by talking to their mothers,

look for fences missing a gate.

That's your bright idea, huh?

Just drive around town,

lookin' for a gate
that ain't there no more.

Might as well just put that damn
noose around my neck myself.

- What the...
- Goddamn!

The hell you doing in my truck,
you little piece of shit?!

I was cleanin' it,
and then I fell asleep.

Cleanin' my truck? With what,
that nappy head o' yours?

- Hey, Leonard...
- Hap, this...

this... this spook ain't got
no business in our business.

I know where that gate
came from.

Wait a minute.

What, this gate?

Mm-hmm.

Come on!

Go on.

We can walk from here.

Boy, you better not
be shittin' me!

I ain't shittin' you.

Illium?

Illium.

Illium Moon, it's Florida,
Chester's friend.

Hey, I left him a note.
I told him to call me.

Yeah, well, somethin' tells me
it's a call he's not gonna make.

Breechelle, Turquoise.
Look out your window.

Two men following behind a boy

like they got somethin'
on they mind.

Where's he goin' now?

I'm tellin' you,
this is bullshit.

Well, think of it as a...

as a walk in the country,
like golf.

We never played
no damn golf.

Ah, I played miniature golf
with Trudy once.

You did a lot of things with
Trudy you shouldn't've done.

- Thanks for reminding me.
- Oh, you welcome.

Dawnisha, Breechelle.

They comin' your way right now.

Mm-hmm. I got 'em.

They comin' 'round back,
Leelanee.

Told ya I could find it.

What the hell is this?

The gate.

No. That ain't the gate!

Hey, that is the gate.

Ohh.

"Oh," nothin'.
Boy, get over here.

Listen, from now on,
he's Starsky, and I'm Hutch.

Looky here.
And you Huggy Bear.

Huggy Bear don't do nothin',
all right?

He just do what he told.

- You got that?
- Mm-hmm.

Hap,
where's Chester's map?

We got to find us some mothers
to talk to.

Follow me.

Round up the girls, Dawnisha.

Oh, shit.

Hello.

Come on, now.

Hand over that boy, right now.

Come over here, child.

You good?

We takin' you to Stella.

Look like a coupla perverts
to me.

Oh, no, no, ma'am.
We're... we're detectives.

Uh, yeah.
Uh, private investigators.

We... we're... we're working
on this...

The only thing
that's keeping you

from getting your ass
Jheri-curled up in here is me.

So how about speaking some truth
to Stella?

I-I know, ma'am.
See, we...

Here... here it is.
Uh, we're looking for this.

See, uh...

the dead boy who was found
under the house?

We think he may have been
tied to that gate.

I've seen this.

You have? Where?

Hmm.

Um...

Uh-oh.
- Mm-hmm.

Come on. I'll show you.

My grandparents
on their wedding day.

You know where
this was taken, ma'am?

- That picture?
- Mm-hmm.

No. They're all dead now.

Oh.

- The whole generation of them.
- Mm-hmm.

And my Boomer, too.

Your Boomer?

My son. Boomer.

He's dead.

I know he is.

Oh, Miss Stella.

We can't promise nothin',

but we gon' be lookin' for
all the lost boys around here.

And if your boy
but one of 'em,

we'll do our best
to find him.

Okay?

Okay.

Oh, hey, come here.

Okay.

Hey, next time you wanna play private detective,

do me a favor
and leave me out of it.

I almost got my face
raked off

while you feelin' up on
that old midget.

Well, it worked, didn't it?

Gate came from a church.

We didn't know that
this mornin'.

Church ain't tell us
who them bones is.

Damn sure ain't tell us
where the killa at.

Uh, how do you know that?
We haven't found the church yet.

- Tomorrow.
- Yeah.

- I'm hungry.
- Stop your bellyaching. You'll eat soon enough.

You need to be
with your own people.

I thought you were
my people.

Yeah, well,
you thought wrong.

Raul said
you'd take care of me.

That ain't mean forever.

I ain't gon' be here
forever.

You got kicked out
or you ran away?

Tell me the truth.

Kicked out.

Bullshit.

You ran away, and probably just
sayin' that 'cause it's easier.

Am I right?

Am I right?

I'm telling you right now,
that running away shit,

it follows you
like a goddamn shadow,

sometimes in the front,
sometimes in the back.

No matter what...

it's the first thing people see
when you come in,

and the last thing they see
when you goin'.

Damn shadow,
tell the whole story,

no matter what lie you run and
tell yourself in your own head.

Ain't no runnin' from
your shadow.

You need to think on that.

Mm-hmm.

Hang on.

Hey!

Fill it up and check the oil.

All right, what was you saying?

Good enough.
We'll talk tomorrow.

A'ight. All right, bye.

Hey.

You know what's at the bottom
of an abandoned quarry,

under all that water?

Rocks...

that nobody wants.

I don't give a shit about
Leonard Pine.

I don't give a shit
about you.

I don't give a shit about
your lawyer.

You poke me...

You got it?

I got it.

Good.

Hurry it up, then.

Have a good evening, Judge.

What the...

Hey, hey!

Right here, asshole!

You call a tow truck,
Judge?

Yeah. I did. Moron.

You've been drinkin'.

Just fix it!

Some people learn
the hard way, Judge.

And others?

The hardest.

You oughta know that by now.

Boy...

me and you fixin' to mix.

Goddamn! What did you do
to my car?!

My ca... Ow!

Ow!

Ow, ow!

Ow! G... Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

You're makin' a big mistake.

Yeah, probably.

What do you want?

I wanna tell you a story,
Judge.

I want you to pay attention.

A long time ago

lived an old man,

and he had a dog.

Yeah, everybody said that
that dog was sour.

And the old man should
have him put down.

But...

old man loved that dog,

hard as it was to love.

And then one day...

a little boy...

walked past the old man's house
on his way to school,

and the old man's crazy dog
jumped up,

bit him.

Right here.

Did you know a...

a dog bite

could... break a boy's heart?

Well...

from then on,

every time that boy
walked past the house...

He told himself somethin'.

"Someday," he said...

He said, "Someday...

"I'm gonna go past his house,

and that dog..."

"...that dog is gonna be
all by hisself."

Anything else I can get you,
Miss Grange?

A chill pill'd be nice.

How 'bout a slice
of cherry pie, instead?

Even better.

- Thank you.
- Sheriff...

what can I get you?

Oh, just some coffee.

Whoop. Whoop, whoop.
There you go.

Thank you, ma'am.

Vermont maple syrup,
just to sweeten it up a bit.

How good of a judge
is my son Beau?

Say, on a scale of 1 to 10,
would you say?

2. If I'm being generous.

Well, then how good of a lawyer
are you? Same scale.

- 8.
- Mm.

Ahh. And me?

We all pay for our crimes,
Miss Grange,

and our misdemeanors.

Leonard Pine pays.

Hap Collins pays.

You. Me. My son.

Even the innocent
we can't really protect.

Well...

Ahh.

Y'all be careful, huh?

Unh-unh-unh!

Surefire way to get
your pecker blown off.

- How'd you get in here?
- Boy, didn't nobody tell you?

Ain't safe to leave your door
open in a white neighborhood.

What are you doing?

Salt increases
the, uh, conductivity.

So when you go...

...you go real quick.

You gon' go.

Uhh!

Where's Ivan?

Valentine tell you to snatch him?

He told us, all the cops,

to nail you, make it stick.

Even if the case
against Chester didn't make,

he wanted you.

That boy ain't nothin'
but a kid.

- He ain't got nothin' to do with this!
- I know. I know.

I-I went to Melton.

I took some bones. You know,
like trophies. It was my idea.

I-I told Melton I'd shut him
down if he didn't help me.

He got the kid to do it...

...to plant 'em
in Chester's house.

Only the kid didn't do it.

- Where is Ivan?!
- Aah!

I'm about to rip this thing right off!

I took him to Melton's.

That's the truth.

Boy, don't matter what you wash
or how hard you wash it.

You ain't gon' never be clean.

Please, no! No, don't!

Copper Top.

Best battery you could buy.

Who next?!

Y'all got 5 seconds to get outta
here. And don't come back!

Now, look out! Look out!

You heard me.

I ain't gon' say it again.

You keep on smilin'.

I'll shoot them teeth
out your head!

Oh. Oh, shit.

MeMaw! MeMaw!

Open the door!

Oh. I'm about to have
a duck fit.

What are you doin'?

What you gon' do?

Something I shoulda done
a long time ago.

I just had coffee
with King Valentine.

Oh?

Do you want your friend
to go to jail?

Because he will.

As good as I am, as weak as
their case is...

You keep harassing the judge,

Valentine will see to it
Leonard goes to jail.

Three cops called me
this evening to tell me

what an asshole you are.

I got my hands full
with Leonard.

I-I don't need to worry
about you, too.

You're worried about me?

What I need

is you to be honest
with me.

About everything.

No problem.

Total honesty.

Absolutely.

Where's Illium?

Dead.

I know.

We found him
at the bottom of his pond,

Hanson and I.

Oh, you told Hanson
about Illium?

Well, he's trying to solve
this case.

No, he... he... he's trying
to frame Leonard.

Tell me you and Leonard had
nothing to do

with Illium's death.

We found him

in the van, in...

in the pond.

But... but he was...

he was dead
when we got there.

And you what, sunk the van?

Yeah...

Thinking through
our options, it...

that seemed the most reasonable
thing to do at the time.

And... and this was before

we knew about our...
our new best friend Hanson.

Okay.

Okay what?

4...

and 5...

And 6...

And 7...

8...

9...

10.