Hap and Leonard (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Hap and Leonard - full transcript

Hap and Leonard find themselves under investigation for a crime they didn't commit, and their sharp new lawyer Florida Grange may be their only chance to set things right.

(announcer) Previously,
on "Hap and Leonard".

(Leonard Pine) Here comes trouble.

Hap, my love, I need your help.

Let's do this.

I used to wipe your black ass, boy.

All right, Chester, just lay off.

We get through this, I'll
never leave you again.

I don't know how I let you
talk me into these things.

(gun firing, glass shattering)


See you on the flip side, sugar.



[Insects chirping]

[Vehicle approaching]

[Engine idling]


[Engine turns off]

[Truck door shuts]


[Metallic thud]


[Metal rattling]





[Crickets chirping]


[Wind whistling]

[Birds chirping]




[Insects chirping]



[Man grunts]

[Dramatic music playing]



[Typewriter keys clacking]

[Deep exhale, typewriter bell dings]

[Carriage returns, clacking continues]



Thank you.





[Car door creaks]


[Car door creaks, closes]

[Engine starts]


[Gears shift]


[Crow cawing]


♪ Well, I've been lovin' you

♪ All the time I've been lookin' ♪


♪ I don't remember when it all started ♪

[Rattling, clanking]

- Hey! God!
- [Tools clatter]

Damn! Damn it!


- Ah!
- [Turns off radio]

- [Wheelchair whirring]
- [Groans]

What was that? You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, Fern.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah. It's...

my ex-wife.

Even though we weren't together anymore,

I always knew she was
out there somewhere.


Now she's in that damn box, and...

Little hard to wrap my head around.

[Insects buzzing]

[Grunting, groaning]


Why you gotta do it so hard?

It's called therapy, Leonard. [Groans]

I know.

Thought you were gonna
fix this place up.

We... Well, you could
do so much with it.

I got it just the way I want it.

It's a little depressing.

I feel like Uncle Chester
haunts this place.

Yeah, well, maybe he do.

Can we watch the damn movie?

Man: But I'm not gonna be quite so...
You know he's gay, right?

Who? [Scoffs]

Randolph Scott. Bullshit.

[Man speaks indistinctly]

See how he looks at that other man?

Randolph Scott ain't gay. He a cowboy.

I'm talking about the actor.
I couldn't care

if he sucked all the dick in Hollywood

and wore his grandmama's panties.

Can we get back to watching the movie?

Someone's pissy. I'm not pissy!

Made me apologize.
Man: Apologize to her?


Oh, there he go doing that shit again.

No. No, no. Easy. Raul, get up off me!

Mnh-mnh. Hell, no.

Hey, Melton! [Hip-hop music plays]

You call that a dick, Melton? Huh?!

I done sucked on pinky toes
bigger than that shit.

Stop pissing on my rose bush, boy!


Call when you cool down.

I am cool. This damn fool
stop pissing on my property!

This ain't your litter box, pig!

Man: Ooh! Man: Oh, no.

[Scooter engine starts]

Leonard: Call you later.


I don't bother y'all, right?

I mind my business.

Whatever happened to live and let live?

Hold onto this.

Hold on. Let me give you something.

[Grunts] Man: Oh!

Oh, shit.

Man: Ohh.

[Unzips jeans]

[Urinating] Pretty, ain't it?

Man: Come on, don't just stand there!

Hey, MeMaw! How you doing today?

Yeah, I am great! [Laughs]


Hey, looky here, I'mma leave
that cane here with him,

in case he might need
it when he come to.



♪ Rat-a-tat-tat, with a quack,
quack, waddle, waddle ♪

♪ Yo, that shit is wacky


Man: You ain't do nothing either!

Man on TV: What do you want?

Man: Just a little of your time...
about 20 years.

[Song continues playing]

I don't know what you're talking about.

You need a little
grease in that skillet.

[Turns off TV]


[Floorboard cracks] Uhh!

Aw, shit!

[Breathing heavily]


Oh, hell, no.

D.O.C.: lower than that, Dre. Drop it!

["Let the Bass Go" playing]

Nah, it's gotta go even lower than that.

You know why? Dr. Dre: Why?

♪ You've been denied,
although you've tried ♪

♪ So I've been a ving to
make you fall like a tide ♪

♪ No disappointment

♪ 'Cause my beat will
soothe like an ointment ♪

♪ Suckers with static approach
and get smoked like a joint ♪

♪ Phlegm ignites the flame, I
mean I burn like a lighter ♪

♪ Roll with the hip-hop
groove 'cause I'm a writer ♪

♪ The hero of great, take
a stand and we'll see ♪

♪ Eat in chronological
order starting with me ♪

♪ A rap introduction, the
suckers destruction ♪

♪ Yeah, are all involved
when I started conducting ♪

♪ The lyrics are the maximum,
I stated for facts in them ♪

♪ Chumps never try to break
knowing I'd wax them ♪

♪ Murder in the first degree

♪ Occurs only when dealing
with the D-O to the C ♪

♪ I'm like a whirlwind pyramid
and I'm letting you know ♪

[Car door creaks]

♪ When the bass go

[Car door creaks]

You said it was important. What's up?

Was Randolph Scott gay?

Is that what you called
me over here for?


[Train whistle blowing in distance]

What's in the box?

Oh. Well... Trudy.

Trudy? Well, what's left of her.

What you walkin' around
with her for, Hap?

I don't know. I mean...

don't seem right leaving her in the car.

You need to leave her home.

I just came from work.

You got her doing oil
changes for you now?


That bitch almost got me killed.

She ain't coming in here.

[Song continues in distance]

You need to bury her, Hap.

I know. I know.

- It's just...
- [Car door creaks]

I don't know what she
would have wanted. Ah!

The dead don't give a shit
what happen to 'em, Hap.

They're dead. [Grunts]

It's fools like us left behind
got to deal with this shit!

- It's bad, Hap. Real bad.
- [Door closes]

That's not so bad.

Yeah, slap a new board
down on that in no time.

I'm not talking 'bout the hole, Hap.

I'm talking about what's
inside the hole. Look.

Oh, hell, no.


You never smelled anything funny?

It's an old man's house, Hap.
Everything smells funny.

[Both grunting]

One, two, three.

[Boards clatter]

[Panting] Oh.

[Whispers] Oh. It's a kid.

What the hell is Chester
doing with a dead kid's body

under his house? I don't know.

Maybe... maybe... maybe he
didn't know it was here.

He been here for 40 years.

Body ain't been here that long, Hap.

Look at the damn sneakers.



Put it down! Put it down!
What?! What?! What?!

It's a crime scene, Leonard.

You already got your prints
all over the damn shoe.

[Grunts] What's the matter with you?
Hold up! I'm going first!

What kind of Marine were you?!
I'm going first!

[Coughs] Come on.

That goddamn sicko.


He left me a house with
a dead body under it.

Maybe it's not like it looks.

How is it not what it
look like, Hap? Huh?

He upstairs here, teaching
me how to tie a fishing fly,

tucking me into bed at night,
reading me bedtime stories.

And we got a dead body
rotting under our feet.

Right under our feet!

We're gonna have to
report it to the cops.

Aw, shit. Hell, no. Hell, no.

Hey, okay, we'll just... just
leave it, fix the floor.

Huh? If your uncle did it,
he's beyond punishment now.

No one's gonna know about it,

and he ain't gonna hurt
anybody else, so pssh.

[Train whistle blowing in distance]

You don't mean that.

[Sighs] No, I don't.

Yeah, a-a small, sad
part of me means it.

[Glass shatters, laughter, cheers]

The hell? Hey!

Hey! Oh, you better...

No, hey, that's... that's my wife! Hey!

Man: Take off on him! Cut him off!

Take off on him! Hey, come on!

Go get it, white boy!
Go get it, white boy!

[Man shouts indistinctly, laughter]

[Car door closes, engine starts]

[Tires peal]


Woman: Oh!


Get! Ow! Damn!

- [Fence rattles]
- [Hap grunts]

Woman: Don't y'all come
back in this house!


- [Fence rattles]
- [Grunts]



Damn... it.


I just saw your dumb ass.


[Officer speaks indistinctly]
[Siren whoops]



- Gotcha.
- [Engine revs]

[Tires screech]

[Thud] Hey, no!

No! Trudy!

No, come back!

Oh, no, no, no, man!

God... damn!


[Tires peal]

What... Why did you... What...

[Mutters] Oh, God.

[Tires squeal]

[Engine turns off]

[Car door creaks]


Melton: You get him? You get him?

Why'd he have to break the window?

The door was open. You slow.

Man: Why don't you go take a nap?


[Indistinct conversations]

[Exhales sharply]

[Shifts gears]

[Engine turns off]

[Car door creaks]

[Rap music playing]

[Car door closes] Son
of a bitch is fast.

You just old and slow, is all.

[Continues panting]



What do I do now?

Hell, I lost her.

She gone.


No, she not.


Oh. Oh!

Oh, thanks, man.

I owe you.

She's dead, and I'm still
cleaning up her damn mess.

[Brakes squeal, engine turns off]

[Police radio chatter]

Caught Casper here
running down the street.

He steal something of yours, huh?

No, sir, officer.

[Dog barking in distance]

[Police radio chatter continues]

Let him go.

Get outta here, creepy little shit.


Go ahead.

Hey, officer?

Something we should show you.


[Front door opens]


[Police radio chatter]


Just like Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.

[Police radio chatter]


MeMaw: Shit, 't believe it for a minute.

I don't care if they found
babies in his toilet.

Chester didn't murder
and saw up no children.

Yeah, well, we don't know what
Chester did or didn't do.

Now, Leonard,

your uncle was bitter and
black as burnt coffee.

Everybody in the neighborhood know that.

But being mean don't make you no killer.


[Rap music playing]

[Engine starts]

Guess they already decided
that Chester did it.

That's what I'm afraid of, too.

[Rap music playing loudly] Look.

[Indistinct conversations]

Man: Hey, Melton, what's up?

Leonard, you watch
yourself around them boys.

Bad things happen in that house.

Yes, ma'am.

Melton already ain't none too pleased

you peed on his head. [Laughs]

Wait, what?

I'll talk to you about that later.

Every little child you see go
in that house and come out,

they done sold them some drugs.

[Lighter clicks]

Killin' they own.

You peed on his head?

I'll talk to you about it later! Damn.

[Siren wailing]

[Engine turns off]

[Rap music continues]

[Indistinct conversations,
car door closes]

[Train whistle blowing in distance]


How you doin', Miss MeMaw?

Finish your pie, boys. We
gonna take a little trip

down to the station.

- What?
- Don't worry, Leonard.

The Lord watches over the righteous.


Man: We got you right over here.
Come on.

[Rap music continues]


[Engines start]



[Glass bottles clinking]


[Van door closes]

[Door creaks]

[Floorboard creaks]


[Camera shutter clicking]


[Camera shutter clicks]

So tell me about Chester.

He like kids?


Chester ain't like nobody,
far as I rememba.

Hmm. Might have liked you, though.

Kinda remind me of him,

all that Southern charm you oozin'.

You ever, uh,

see any kids over at that place?

Mm, just the ones next door.

He didn't seem to like 'em
much, believe it or not.

Mm, understandable.

They don't exactly light
up the neighborhood.

You're gonna, uh,

you're gonna interrogate
them, too, though, huh?

Yeah? Hmm?

I'll ask the questions
here, you don't mind.

So what happened between
you and Chester, anyway?

I grew up.

He found out about my
nature and threw me out.

Now, you people, you like
little boys, too, don't ya?

"You people"?


I thought you was my people.

I like little boys as much
as you like little girls...


It says here, uh, Leonard was a...
war hero?


I was in 'Nam myself. How about you?

Conscientious objector.

[Whispers] Yeah.

You did, uh... two years for it?

Was it worth it?

I wasn't in 'Nam.

You tell me.

Probably was.

Ya know, ya uncle came
down to the station

more than once,

talkin' about missing kids.

Hell, maybe even a child murder.

Why ain't you lookin' into it, then?

I mean, that is what y'all
do 'round here, ain't it?

You wanna talk about what
happened at Leonard's place

about three months back?

A real, uh, bloodbath,
according to my report.

We got mixed up with a
bad bunch of people.

Mm-hmm, and they got dead. Lot of 'em.

Including my ex-wife.

Yeah, she was, uh...

some kind of anarchist, I hear.

She was a waitress.

You ever lose someone
you love, Detective?

'Cause I see where you're headin' here.
Let me...

Let me help you get there.

I didn't kill nobody.

Last time Chester came
in here, he said that

him and his associate said
that they was gonna prove

that something was happening
and who was doing it,

if we'd give him a little bit of help.

"Associate"? Yeah.

Well, why ain't y'all
out talkin' to him?

How do I know I'm not?

Hap: You identify the body yet?

Well, it's a little
hard to identify a body

when it's that far gone.

Leonard: What about the shoes?

The shoes? The red sneakers?

Mnh-mnh, body have no feet.

Oh, come on.

The body had feet, all right,
and the feet had sneakers.

We both saw 'em.

No hands, no feet, no sneakers.

You tellin' us we missed somethin'?

[Heels clacking]



Don't say another word.

I'm-a get you outta here.

Gentlemen, a word outside, please?


Yeah. Who the hell is that?

Think that's my lawyer.

[Door closes]

Maybe I need to get me a lawyer, too.

[Speaking inaudibly]

Close your mouth, Hap. You're droolin'.

Hmm? Oh. Okay.

Have you ever had the Armadillo
deluxe burger, Miss Grange?

It's beef, not armadillo,

if that's what you're worried about.

[Indistinct conversation]


Something wrong?

No, no, no, sorry. I was just, uh,

Don't underestimate me because
I'm beautiful, Mr. Collins.

Hi, Miriam. Florida.

What can I get y'all folks?

Florida: Uh, usual for me.

And I'll have the armadillo
chicken-fried steak.

And you, sir?

You got anything without the
armadillo in front of it?


Okay. Uh, I'll take
the armadillo burger.

Hold the fries.


So Detective Hanson said

that Chester claims to
have had an associate.

Told me the same thing.

I ain't like the way he looked
at me when he said it, though.

You shouldn't. This is the East Side.

Cops bring in a black man,
they don't look much further.

Look, I found a dead body
under Chester's floor.

I called the cops and reported it.

I did the right thing.

It's not Chester's floor. It's yours.

And pissin' on your neighbor's head

is not exactly Boy Scout behavior.

Oh, yeah. [Clicks tongue]

You heard about that, huh?

Miss Miriam, did you hear
about Leonard and Melton?

[Laughs] Lord, yes.

Dessert's on the house.

Pissed on his head.

That's a good one. [Laughs]

Don't worry about it.

I think you scored some points
with Charlie and Hanson.

[Sighs] Yeah, they should
be investigating them.

Melton's selling drugs all
hours of the night to kids.

They aren't and they won't.

Where does that leave him?

[Mouth full] Mm, out of
jail for now, but...

that boy doesn't turn out to be black,

it's gonna get much worse.


Find a dead kid, and we
gotta hope he's black, huh?

They're gonna pin this
on Chester and drop it.

All you gotta do, keep out of trouble

and don't piss on anyone's head.
Can you do that?

MeMaw: It's a pleasure having
boys in the house again.

All I got left at home now TJ.

That's quite a collection of
photos you got there, MeMaw.

There's one of Chester and
Leonard up there somewhere.

I took it when Leonard was
just a-a wee slip of a boy.


Oh, he talked about you a lot,

'specially near the end.

Bet there was a whole
lotta cursing involved.

He was proud of you, Leonard,
for serving your country.

Kinda sad and sorry

the way things went
down between you two.

[Toilet flushes]

Yeah, well, might've said somethin'.

Well, I believe he would

if you'd come 'round once in a while.

I'm TJ!

Hey, hi. I-I'm Hap.

This... this is Leonard.

How you doin'?

You wash your hand, boy?

That boy got squirrel turds for brains,

but he got a gentle heart. [Chuckles]

If the meek do inherit the Earth,

that boy got a big cut coming.

Leonard: Good night now.

I'll take the first shift.


[Sighs deeply]



You gotta bury her, Hap.

She's dead.

[Sighs heavily]

The world's full of Floridas.



Beautiful women who don't
want to be with me.


You are some comfort.

[Laughs] TJ on top!

[Under breath] Top, my ass.


- [Groans]
- [Bedframe creaks]

[Springs clank] Oh.


You really think that...

Chester might have done it?

I don't know, Hap.

Either way, I'm-a find out, though.

Good night, Leonard.

Night, Hap.

[Springs creak]

Good night, Leonard.

[Springs creak] Night, TJ.

Good night, white man.

Good night, TJ.


TJ, that's enough!

You gonna get a tapeworm.

That boy would eat a whole
bowl of sugar if I let him.

Hey. Hey, morning.

Morning. Oh, Hap.

This my other grandson.

MeMaw: James. Leonard: Fitzgerald.
Local pastor.

Well, nice to meet you, sir.

Mm. Likewise.

Uh, Leonard and I were just sharing

some memories of his uncle.

He and I used to have some
interesting discussions

about, uh, God and religion.

Oh? He seemed bothered
by the subject, too.

Now, see, if I recall... [Chewing]

it was hypocrisy he had a
problem with, not religion.

Play nice.

Hap, go fix you a plate.

Yes, ma'am.

I was just reminding Leonard of
the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.

You familiar with it?

Hap is very familiar with them
ol' Baptist queer allegories,

ain't you, Hap? Mm-hmm.

He especially like the
one about, uh, Lot,

when his wife turned
into a pillar of salt

right before his eyes. Hmm.

I was actually referring to the part

where Lot takes the
angels into his house

and finds it surrounded by homosexuals

who want to know them.

Funny how you skipped the part

where Lot tries to protect the angels

by offering up his daughters
to the Sodomites instead.

Lot's poor choice.

Oh, see, that's the part I like.

"Look here, we got some guests
that the homos want to screw."

Hmm? "But they ain't finished with
they chicken-fried steak yet,

"so we gonna offer y'all up to 'em.

Shuck them panties and hit the porch!"

Now that's enough!

No more talkin' about
religion or panties

at this breakfast table.

Yes, ma'am. These boys had a long night.

Let 'em eat, James.

Yes, ma'am.

I can see we're not gonna

come to an understanding
on this, anyway.

Oh, I think we understand
each other just fine, sir.

[Laughs] "Shuck them panties"!

Don't talk with food in your mouth.

I taught you better than that.

Enjoy your breakfast.

I'm gonna finish my run.

Yeah, you do that. Uh-huh.

You take care of yourself now, MeMaw.

Have a good day now.


Oh! [Laughs] Don't mind James.

He forgets that he's not
always at the pulpit.

He stays in shape, though,
doesn't he, MeMaw?

He was a Golden Glove
boxer when he was a boy.


I'm-a go check on what's
left of my house.

All right, Mama, love ya.

Thanks for breakfast.

[Door creaks]


[Door creaks closed]


Boy, what's wrong witchu?!

That's a surefire way to get
your butt shot smooth off!

Breakin' into people's house like this!


[Thud] Hey!

Hey. Come here.


[Woman speaking indistinctly over PA]

[Sighs deeply] His name's Ivan.

Well, at least that's
what he says it is.

How is he?

Good thing you brought him
in as quick as you did.

He OD'd. Damn Melton.

Got them kids coming in and
out all hours of the night.

I know.

We haven't been able to track
down his parents, so...


I need you to sign right there.

It says you're his uncle. Uncle Leonard.

[Chuckles] You're crazy, boy. Leonard...

You're crazy. Leonard, Leonard, please.

Help me keep him out of the
system, please. [Sighs]

Please. At least until
I find his parents.

Look, if you wanna be his
family, go right ahead.

What I know about raising a kid?

What did Uncle Chester
know about raising a kid

when he took you in, hmm? What?

If it wasn't for him,

you would have ended up just
like that kid out there.


That boy is not my responsibility.

Well, maybe he should be, Leonard.

Thank you.

[Woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.]

[Country music playing on radio]

[Engine turns off]


[Car door slams]


How's it goin'?

It's goin'.


My wife's ashes.

Trying to figure out
what to do with her.

Yep, mine says I should quit smokin'.

Wants to call a marriage counselor

every time I flick a match.

- I wanted to, uh...
- [Match strikes]


Wanted to ask you somethin'.

These kids' sneakers,
you sure you saw 'em?

Yeah, I saw 'em. They were red.

High top, low top? Canvas, leather?

High top, canvas.

What about brand?

You'd have to ask Leonard. I don't know.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Jigs sure know their sneakers.

Good for tap dancing, too.

Everyone should have one.

Well, now, I didn't mean it that way.

How you mean it?


we're two white guys, right?

I know I am.

You know how it is.

Black kids go missin', they
generally stay missin'.

Except this one didn't stay missin'.

And now you're telling me
he was wearing sneakers

when my people tell me he had no feet.

That don't add up.

Maybe Leonard knows something
he ain't telling you.

Something about his uncle?

Maybe nobody cares about
that, it bein' a...

darky problem.

[Whispers] Oh, Jesus.


[Tools clattering]

Hanson care, and so do I.

I'll alert the media.

[Wheels rolling]

[Tools clattering]


[Birds chirping]


[Screams] God! No!

No! No! Aah! Don't! No!

Stop! Ah!

Oh, damn.

Oh, shit, and God.













There you go.

There you go.


[Leaves crunching]


[Hammer pounding]

[Car door creaks]


[Engine starts]


[Door creaks]


Goddamn, boy. Your feet stink.


[Knock on door]

[Sneakers clatter]

[Switch clicks]

[Police radio chatter]


[Door creaks]

Leonard Pine?



[Police radio chatter]


[Engine starts]