Hancock's Half Hour (1956–1960): Season 4, Episode 1 - Ericson the Viking - full transcript
Hancock is cast in the title role of Sid's TV pilot Ericson the Viking. The budget and production values are so low Hancock's career as a thespian is threatened.
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---
BBC Television
presents Tony Hancock In...
Hancock's Half Hour.
(Laughs)
(Sid blows whistle)
Don't hang about.
You've got the pudding to come yet.
- I don't want any. You've put me off'.
- Don't want any? All that lovely grub?
What an exhibition.
Sheer unadulterated piggery.
What a way to abuse a cakehole.
How you can stuff like that on Boxing
Day after all you shovelled yesterday
Is beyond my comprehension.
It's Christmas, the festive season.
Eat, drink and be merry,
cos tomorrow we snuff it.
Come on. Liven yourself up a bit.
If you do that again,
I shall ram It straight down your throat.
What's the matter with you? What a
misery you are. Why not go for a walk?
- Too cold.
- Wear the scarf I gave you.
- I don't like It.
- Go to the pub, then.
- It's too late.
- GO to bed.
It's too early.
- I'm going to have some pudding.
- Good luck to you.
- Want some?
- No, thank you.
Go on. Have some.
It's not the same. I made It.
Well? Have a little. If I do It on my own, It
spoils the fun of looking for the tanners.
- Have a little.
- Oh, as you wish.
That's It. There we are.
Shall we see who's got the most, then?
- Found any?
- No, nothing yet.
Oh, well. Let's see how lucky I am.
How much does the Jackpot stand at
this year?
Four nicker exactly.
That's a bit of luck, Innit?
A bit of luck?
He cooks It, sits up half the night
segregating It, and says, "A bit of luck.”
Well, there's not much point
In excavating this any more, Is there?
No?
- Marvellous.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
- What's the matter with you?
- You know perfectly well. I'm worried.
You sit there enjoying yourself. Have you
no feelings? No charity In your soul?
- What are you worried about?
- Today's Boxing Day.
Tonight at 8:16 my career will be In ruins,
shattered beyond recognition,
lying at my feet a tangled ma:
of childhood hopes and dreams.
- And all you can do Is stuff.
- It's not as bad as that, boy.
It Is. Tonight's the first programme In
my series. We know how bad that'll be.
- Don't be silly. It'll go like a bomb.
- It's horrible and you know It.
Why I ever let you talk me Into filming It,
I'll never know.
"Don't give It to the BBC," he says.
"We'll do It on the cheap and flog It."
I should hang on to the four quid you got
out of the pudding If I were you.
You will make a lot of loot, boy.
You're doing 14 of 'em.
I'm not sure. You have to see
what the viewers think of tonight's.
The verdict Is theirs.
Personally, I think It's going to be
thumbs down and Into the crocodile pit.
I think we did the right thing.
It was time to do something different.
You had to give up comedy sometime.
Neither of us were any good at It.
- I had my moments.
- You never made me laugh, son.
You couldn't go on giving them
the same thing year after year.
It's only a matter of time
before the public jellies to you.
You couldn't build a career on Hancock's
Half Hour, wearing a funny hat and coat.
It's not enough, kid.
Oh, that': me, I: It?
That's a complete assessment
of my talents, Is it?
A funny hat, a funny coat
and Hancock's Half Hour.
- Thank you very much.
- Let's face It. There's not much else.
A bit of padding here and there but take
that away and there's not much left.
Not much left? How dare you?
What about the funny faces?
Number one...
Number two.
And that one. What about that one?
Eh?
And all the dialects I used to do.
(Yokel accent) How are you gettin' on,
then, George? How's the farm?
(Cockney) Oi-oi. Just come down the
frog and toad, up the apples and pears.
Hoy-hoy, hoy-hoy.
(Welsh) Ooh, Mrs Jenkins!
Have you finished your knittin',
have you?
And the Impressions.
What about the Impressions?
(As Charles Laughton) Mr Christian,
you'll hang from the highest yard.
Eh? And here's one
you don't see every day.
The Iron Duke, George Arliss.
And your favourite,
Edward Everett Horton.
Oh, dear. Oh, really? Oh, really? Hmm...
You have the audacity to say nothing's
left? I haven't scraped the surface.
There's a huge reservoir of talent
that hasn't been touched.
I've done you a favour, mate.
After tonight, you'll be bigger than ever.
There's a new career opening up.
You wanted to do something different.
- You've done .
- I've done It all right.
Walt. Let me show you something.
What's the biggest thing on TV today?
Let me show you this.
Adventure series, costume dramas.
A different one every night.
There'll all making fortunes.
Robin Hood. Ivanhoe. The Buccaneers.
William Tell, Long John Sliver. And
starting tonight, the greatest of them all.
Anthony Hancock starring as
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
What a load of rubbish.
Chase the Saxon dogs Into the sea.
Pillage the village. Save the
blonde wench for me! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oh, Sid, we should never have done lit.
- Has my Judgment ever been wrong?
- Oh, please.
I'll grant you that, but not this time.
This time we'll click.
Tonight, at quarter past eight, when King
Of The Vikings sails down that fiord,
a new star Is gonna be born.
They'll put plastic mode is of you In
cornflake packets before the week's out.
Stop worrying about It. See you later.
I'll be back In time for the show.
Oh? Where are you going, then?
Round to me mum's.
I'm having dinner there.
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
What have I done?
What's the time?
I could leave the country.
I could be In the Isle of Wight
by ten o'clock.
Change my name and get a new start.
It': my own fault. I saw the way things
were going on the first day's filming.
I should have got out then.
I should never have stayed.
Without a doubt, that was the tattiest film
studio I've ever seen In all my life.
All right. Everybody on the set.
Time Is money. What are you doing?
Lighting the first scene.
Viking Camp - Exterior - Day.
I just saw the electricity hill. The scene
I: now Exterior - Night. Switch it oil'.
You've got to light the set
or you won't see anybody on the film.
Stoke up the fire.
See what you can do with the glow.
What about the actors?
Come on, let's have you.
On the set In 30 seconds or you lose half
a day's pay. Let's have some action.
- What do you want?
- We are withdrawing our services.
- What are you rabbiting about?
- We are on strike.
How can you when you haven't even
started yet? Who are you?
I, sir, am Humphrey Clanger,
King Ethelred of the Saxons,
King of Mercia, Wessex, East Anglia,
exercising power
from Thanet to The Wash,
and Equity shop steward on this film.
- Trade Unionist, then, eh?
- To the core, sir.
1 and my fellow thespians had a meeting
and decided to withdraw our labour
pending a satisfactory settlement
oi' our grievances.
- All right. What are your grievances?
- No dressing rooms.
You have never had one
In your life, mate.
How dare you, sir? They didn't treat me
like this In Ivanhoe.
- |I was only a serf In that.
- I'll sling up a few tents. What else?
We haven't had a contract yet.
I'm paying the Vikings four shillings
and thruppence an hour,
plus half a dollar dirty money. For the
battle scenes, thruppence a bruise.
And for the er...Saxon king, double rates,
double time on Saturday
and five and a tanner an hour,
If he doesn't make any more trouble,
all right?
Most satisfactory. All right, men,
he's agreed. Back to work.
Thank you. Now let's get cracking,
please. We've only got two days left.
The scene opens with the Saxon king -
that's you, baldy - as a hostage.
Tie him up there. The Viking army,
you three, are standing guard over him,
awaiting the arrival at camp
of your king, Ericson of the Vikings.
Let's have the king of the Vikings
on the set, please.
Oi, you, king of the Vikings.
On the set, pronto.
Chop, chop. Get a wiggle on.
What are you supposed to be,
a Viking or a rhinoceros?
Watch It, mate. I'll have you
over my shoulder In a minute.
It's your own fault,
you and your cheap costumes.
There's still time. Let's make It a comedy.
No. This Is going to be a true portrait of
Saxon England under the Viking hordes.
But this Is ridiculous.
How can you make...
Who's this lot, then?
It's the Viking army.
They're what I've conquered
the whole of England with, are they?
Well, I'll hire another couple
for the battle scenes.
It says In the script, “3,000 screaming
savages locked In mortal combat.”
All right, I'll do It In sections.
We'll have to Jump them about a bit.
- They're all we're gonna have?
- That's all we can afford.
Look at "'em.
Fearless pagans from the frozen north.
All you need Is Bernard Bresslaw
and you've got another army.
And I'm turning it In now.
All right, men. Disband.
You're all demobbed.
-We're all going home.
- {Gang) Walt a minute!
You can't send them home. They're on
four shillings and thruppence an hour.
- You wanna pay their money?
- Well, no...
- Shut up, then, and come over here.
- Where do I stand, then?
Now, then. This Is your camp.
The Saxon king here Is your prisoner.
Now, then.
You are returning,
after a hunting expedition, to your camp,
to have a feast to give thanks to the
gods for helping you beat the Saxons.
You make your entrance
through the shrubbery.
Stand by. Sound.
- Sound on.
- Camera?
- Cameras ready.
- All right. Lights. Mark It.
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
Scene five, take one.
Quiet, please. Action.
Enter the king of the Vikings.
- Ho, there.
- Hold It. Shoot It. Got It?
-Yes.
- Good boy. Next shot. Left arm down.
Right arm up a bit. Hold lit. Shoot It.
Got it? Good boy.
Next shot. Left arm down a bit.
Right arm up. Right leg up a bit.
Hold 1. Hold it.
Shoot It. That's lovely, Hancock.
You're giving a lovely little performance
here. Right.
Right leg forward a bit. Right arm back.
Walt a minute, Walt a minute.
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but didn't I hear a rumour
a few years ago about movie cameras?
You know, cameras with reels of film so
you can move about and walk and run?
And have trains going by? And when you
shut It, everything moves about?
We ain't got one.
- This Is supposed to be a proper studio.
- We can't afford one.
But It's going to take four years
to do It like this.
How can you make a film
taking all separate photographs?
You stick "em together
and drill little holes along the edges.
Stick "em all together
and drill little holes... He's right.
1 suppose It'll work. I don't see why
It shouldn't. Of course It won't work.
I'm sure Cecil B DeMille
doesn't approach It like that.
It's bad enough as It Is without this mob
Jumping about like Noddy and Big Ears.
Hello, Big Ears. Have you seen Mr Plod
the policeman today?
- He's not having half an hour of that.
- People won't notice the difference.
Suppose I want to throw my spear. How
will you get It going through the air?
All you've got to do
Is move It, shoot It, move lit, shoot It.
- Move It, shoot It.
- Yes, yes.
Very Ingenious, but I'm not doing It
- I demand you get me a movie camera.
- I dunno, mate. They cost money.
I'll pay for It. My career Is at stake.
If we're going to carry on with this farce,
might as well do It properly.
How much does one cost?
The latest super deluxe model camera
would cost 50 nicker.
All right. I'll pay for It. Go and get one.
There we are.
- Have you had this here all the time?
- Certainly.
- Why haven't we used It?
- I've been waiting for you to pay for It.
Property
of the National Science Museum.
A Mack Sennett mark one.
It works. What more do you want?
Strike that. Come over here.
Places, everyone. Places.
You follow Hancock around like that,
will ya?
- Are you running?
-Yes.
Mark It.
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
Scene six, take one.
Quiet, everybody. Action.
Ho, there, Vikings, good strong men
and true. It Is I, your King Ericson.
(All, flatly) Hooray... Hooray... Hooray...
Enough. Conserve your energies
for the forthcoming battle.
What news hast thou, Wolfgang?
Crazy, man. Crazy.
We're having ourselves a ball.
We found this limey bum casing
the Joint so we took him In. Ten-four.
What's all this
"cool, crazy, ten-four” stuff?
- For the Americans market.
- Well, I'm not doing It.
I'm British and proud of it.
It's our language. I'm not ashamed of It.
Cost you 100,000 nicker.
- Er... 21-60.
- Check!
- And a 98-40 and a 32-80.
- Roger!
Very good. Now get on with It.
Ah! So we meet at last,
you proud Saxon dog.
King Ethelred, I presume,
the cruellest despot In Europa.
Your time has come. I will avenge
your thousand Innocent victims.
What dost thou say to that?
It's 11 o'clock. Tea break, union rules.
- Oh, look...
- (Sid) Cut!
Back In five minutes.
Oh, come back. You can't go so soon.
This Is the mid die of my big scene.
- We'll shoot It after tea.
- I'll never do It as well as that again.
That was It. I had It then. I've lost It now.
You can't Just switch It on and off.
Taut as a violin string, I was there.
I wonder if Richard Greene had this
trouble with the Sheriff of Nottingham.
I think I'll have my tea as well.
I think I'll have a piece of toast.
All right. You've all had your tea.
Let's have you on set for the last scene.
This scene concerns
the beautiful captive Saxon princess
and Ericson, king of the Vikings.
Let's have "em.
I said to Fred at the time. I said, "You
can't keep me chained to the kitchen."
I've got my career.
I've got my career to think of.
- Of course you have. Art comes first.
- Yeah, well, that's what I told him.
- Keep your head up.
- Sorry, dear.
Ta. Then he said, "Well, who's gonna
look after the kids?" So I said he was.
Laurence Olivier doesn't expect
Vivian Leigh to stay In and do the spuds.
Exactly. I told him, I said, "Here, I'm a film
star. I can't be a housewife as well.”
He does the housework better than what
I do. He chucked a saucepan at me.
- Yeah, I did laugh.
- Excuse me, Sarah Bernhardt.
Can we have you on the set?
We're ready.
- Of course, Sidney. Thank you, love.
- (Hancock) Pleasure, dear. Any time.
Over here, please. Now, then. You are
a beautiful captive Saxon princess
and you hate him because he's a Viking.
But In spite of yourself, you can't help it.
You are In love with him.
That's very touching.
That'll be a beautiful moment, that will.
The Saxons are going to make one last
desperate attempt to rescue her.
Right. Stand by. Mark It.
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
Scene 24, Take one.
- Very up-to-date, this.
- (Sid) Get on with It. Action.
All right.
No, this could never be Boadicea.
After all, I am a Viking king.
And you, you are merely a Saxon.
Oh, Ericson. Take me with you. I will melt
that Icy northern blood of yours.
No, 'tis no life for a woman.
We roam the world robbing the rich
and giving to the poor
and fighting evil and crime.
Oh, Ericson.
You are a brave and a good man.
- I am true only to my God.
- I love you, Ericson. Take me with you.
No, no, It cannot be. Oh, God...
(Sid) Get on with It!
- Tell him to keep that thing up.
- I can't. It's making my arms ache.
I'll make your head ache
ll' you don't turn It away.
Ah, Boadicea, my English rose.
Wouldest
that I could stayest with youest.
Then stayest, and we will rule
over my people together.
No, no. It can't be'est.
One lasting break before...
One lasting break before I...
This Saxon chariot Is Indeed
an encumbrance. Ha-ha-ha!
(Sid) Get round here.
One more lasting break. One...
Oh, forget It. I'll see you down the boat.
1 shouldn't bother about It If I were you.
Lord Ericson.
Private Olaf reporting.
I have run many leagues.
I bring thee tidings of great...
- Magnitude.
- Yes, magnitude.
The Saxon hordes are... Er...
The Saxon hordes are...
The Saxon hordes are
bearing down fast on our camp.
1 beseech thee. Make haste.
Or before the moon crosses the sky,
we will be slaughtered.
Like pigs? No.
We will be slaughtered like pigs.
Yes, that's It.
We will be slaughtered like pigs.
That's the message.
Very good. I enjoyed that.
There I: some dried cod In the house.
Go eat thy fill.
- Hey. The Saxons are upon us, man.
- Oh, ten-four!
Oh, Ericson, we meet again. In different
circumstances this time. Seize him!
Not while I have the slayer of wolves
In this hand
and the moon and heavens In this.
- {Sid) Come on, then!
- I haven't got a sword.
(Sid) Well, try that one.
What's this, then?
(Sid) We haven't got any swords.
He's making the noises.
Oh...
We've stopped, mate.
Come on, then. Come on. Let's have lit.
Oh! I die, I die, 1 die! Oh!
- Hurry up. We're running out of film.
- Give us time.
I die.
1, Ericson, king of the Vikings,
have killed your leader.
Throw down your swords
and surrender to me.
- (Coughs)
- Oh, shut up.
Take to the boat, men. We all for home.
There's the northern light. We'll sail by
her light. We'll be In Norway by sunrise.
Pull hard. Take your cue from me.
In, out. One, out...
In, out, In, out...
- How's It going?
- Marvellous. We've got an epic here.
Walt till I've finished Joining It together.
I've had to cut a couple... Whoops.
I've had to cut a couple of bits out.
Yes, I was hoping you would have to.
- Sure you know what you're doing?
- Of course I know, son.
Don't remember that bit.
Never mind. It looks nice. Bung It In.
Here's the stuff we did on location.
1 tell you, within the week,
top of the Top 10, this. Not kidding.
Fancy putting my career
In the hands of a man like that.
It's nearly 8:16. It'll be on In a minute.
I wonder what sort of a mess
he's made of It.
I'll never be able to watch I, I know that.
- All set? I'm looking forward to this.
- Yes, I expect you are.
You enjoy seeing me
sit here and squirm, don't you?
Let's face It. You've never liked me.
Let's have It out here and now.
You've always had the knife Into me.
Oh, yes. I know.
Of course I like you. I want to see you
get on. Let's have a butcher's.
...and demanded a medical report
That's the end of the news headlines.
The time Is 8:15. Now the BBC present
the first of a historical adventure series,
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
(Trumpet fanfare)
# Ericson, Ericson, Ericson the good
# Ericson, Ericson,
nipping through the wood
# Killing's to his liking cos he Is a Viking
# Ericson, Ericson, Ericson
# Ole!
# Ericson, Ericson, Ericson the good
# Ericson, Ericson,
nipping through the wood
# Killing's to his liking cos he Is a Viking
# Ericson, Ericson, Ericson
# Ole! #
(Traffic noise)
(Horn beeps)
(Music slows and stops)
The BBC have decided not to continue
with Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
So until the next part of our programme,
the 84th showing
of the London to Brighton Run...
Well, that wasn't bad.
Quite entertaining, I thought.
I can get down to London Airport
and get out of the country.
- You realise you've ruined me?
- Don't blame me. It was an old camera.
- I'm off.
- Walt a minute. Tony, look.
- It': a good Idea. We'll just change It.
- I'm not listening.
- I have no wish to hear anything further.
- We can learn from our mistakes.
- I know exactly what to do now.
- Haven't you done enough damage?
This Is the greatest Idea I've had.
This has never been done before.
This'll be the biggest thing
that ever hit the screens.
Talk about American television.
I've got the Japs Interested In this.
Back, O sea. Back, I say.
Back, I command thee. Back.
The Adventures Of King Canute.
Back, I say. Get back.
Wil you get back? I... Get back.
Back... I'm going to sort you two out.
---
BBC Television
presents Tony Hancock In...
Hancock's Half Hour.
(Laughs)
(Sid blows whistle)
Don't hang about.
You've got the pudding to come yet.
- I don't want any. You've put me off'.
- Don't want any? All that lovely grub?
What an exhibition.
Sheer unadulterated piggery.
What a way to abuse a cakehole.
How you can stuff like that on Boxing
Day after all you shovelled yesterday
Is beyond my comprehension.
It's Christmas, the festive season.
Eat, drink and be merry,
cos tomorrow we snuff it.
Come on. Liven yourself up a bit.
If you do that again,
I shall ram It straight down your throat.
What's the matter with you? What a
misery you are. Why not go for a walk?
- Too cold.
- Wear the scarf I gave you.
- I don't like It.
- Go to the pub, then.
- It's too late.
- GO to bed.
It's too early.
- I'm going to have some pudding.
- Good luck to you.
- Want some?
- No, thank you.
Go on. Have some.
It's not the same. I made It.
Well? Have a little. If I do It on my own, It
spoils the fun of looking for the tanners.
- Have a little.
- Oh, as you wish.
That's It. There we are.
Shall we see who's got the most, then?
- Found any?
- No, nothing yet.
Oh, well. Let's see how lucky I am.
How much does the Jackpot stand at
this year?
Four nicker exactly.
That's a bit of luck, Innit?
A bit of luck?
He cooks It, sits up half the night
segregating It, and says, "A bit of luck.”
Well, there's not much point
In excavating this any more, Is there?
No?
- Marvellous.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
- What's the matter with you?
- You know perfectly well. I'm worried.
You sit there enjoying yourself. Have you
no feelings? No charity In your soul?
- What are you worried about?
- Today's Boxing Day.
Tonight at 8:16 my career will be In ruins,
shattered beyond recognition,
lying at my feet a tangled ma:
of childhood hopes and dreams.
- And all you can do Is stuff.
- It's not as bad as that, boy.
It Is. Tonight's the first programme In
my series. We know how bad that'll be.
- Don't be silly. It'll go like a bomb.
- It's horrible and you know It.
Why I ever let you talk me Into filming It,
I'll never know.
"Don't give It to the BBC," he says.
"We'll do It on the cheap and flog It."
I should hang on to the four quid you got
out of the pudding If I were you.
You will make a lot of loot, boy.
You're doing 14 of 'em.
I'm not sure. You have to see
what the viewers think of tonight's.
The verdict Is theirs.
Personally, I think It's going to be
thumbs down and Into the crocodile pit.
I think we did the right thing.
It was time to do something different.
You had to give up comedy sometime.
Neither of us were any good at It.
- I had my moments.
- You never made me laugh, son.
You couldn't go on giving them
the same thing year after year.
It's only a matter of time
before the public jellies to you.
You couldn't build a career on Hancock's
Half Hour, wearing a funny hat and coat.
It's not enough, kid.
Oh, that': me, I: It?
That's a complete assessment
of my talents, Is it?
A funny hat, a funny coat
and Hancock's Half Hour.
- Thank you very much.
- Let's face It. There's not much else.
A bit of padding here and there but take
that away and there's not much left.
Not much left? How dare you?
What about the funny faces?
Number one...
Number two.
And that one. What about that one?
Eh?
And all the dialects I used to do.
(Yokel accent) How are you gettin' on,
then, George? How's the farm?
(Cockney) Oi-oi. Just come down the
frog and toad, up the apples and pears.
Hoy-hoy, hoy-hoy.
(Welsh) Ooh, Mrs Jenkins!
Have you finished your knittin',
have you?
And the Impressions.
What about the Impressions?
(As Charles Laughton) Mr Christian,
you'll hang from the highest yard.
Eh? And here's one
you don't see every day.
The Iron Duke, George Arliss.
And your favourite,
Edward Everett Horton.
Oh, dear. Oh, really? Oh, really? Hmm...
You have the audacity to say nothing's
left? I haven't scraped the surface.
There's a huge reservoir of talent
that hasn't been touched.
I've done you a favour, mate.
After tonight, you'll be bigger than ever.
There's a new career opening up.
You wanted to do something different.
- You've done .
- I've done It all right.
Walt. Let me show you something.
What's the biggest thing on TV today?
Let me show you this.
Adventure series, costume dramas.
A different one every night.
There'll all making fortunes.
Robin Hood. Ivanhoe. The Buccaneers.
William Tell, Long John Sliver. And
starting tonight, the greatest of them all.
Anthony Hancock starring as
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
What a load of rubbish.
Chase the Saxon dogs Into the sea.
Pillage the village. Save the
blonde wench for me! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oh, Sid, we should never have done lit.
- Has my Judgment ever been wrong?
- Oh, please.
I'll grant you that, but not this time.
This time we'll click.
Tonight, at quarter past eight, when King
Of The Vikings sails down that fiord,
a new star Is gonna be born.
They'll put plastic mode is of you In
cornflake packets before the week's out.
Stop worrying about It. See you later.
I'll be back In time for the show.
Oh? Where are you going, then?
Round to me mum's.
I'm having dinner there.
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
What have I done?
What's the time?
I could leave the country.
I could be In the Isle of Wight
by ten o'clock.
Change my name and get a new start.
It': my own fault. I saw the way things
were going on the first day's filming.
I should have got out then.
I should never have stayed.
Without a doubt, that was the tattiest film
studio I've ever seen In all my life.
All right. Everybody on the set.
Time Is money. What are you doing?
Lighting the first scene.
Viking Camp - Exterior - Day.
I just saw the electricity hill. The scene
I: now Exterior - Night. Switch it oil'.
You've got to light the set
or you won't see anybody on the film.
Stoke up the fire.
See what you can do with the glow.
What about the actors?
Come on, let's have you.
On the set In 30 seconds or you lose half
a day's pay. Let's have some action.
- What do you want?
- We are withdrawing our services.
- What are you rabbiting about?
- We are on strike.
How can you when you haven't even
started yet? Who are you?
I, sir, am Humphrey Clanger,
King Ethelred of the Saxons,
King of Mercia, Wessex, East Anglia,
exercising power
from Thanet to The Wash,
and Equity shop steward on this film.
- Trade Unionist, then, eh?
- To the core, sir.
1 and my fellow thespians had a meeting
and decided to withdraw our labour
pending a satisfactory settlement
oi' our grievances.
- All right. What are your grievances?
- No dressing rooms.
You have never had one
In your life, mate.
How dare you, sir? They didn't treat me
like this In Ivanhoe.
- |I was only a serf In that.
- I'll sling up a few tents. What else?
We haven't had a contract yet.
I'm paying the Vikings four shillings
and thruppence an hour,
plus half a dollar dirty money. For the
battle scenes, thruppence a bruise.
And for the er...Saxon king, double rates,
double time on Saturday
and five and a tanner an hour,
If he doesn't make any more trouble,
all right?
Most satisfactory. All right, men,
he's agreed. Back to work.
Thank you. Now let's get cracking,
please. We've only got two days left.
The scene opens with the Saxon king -
that's you, baldy - as a hostage.
Tie him up there. The Viking army,
you three, are standing guard over him,
awaiting the arrival at camp
of your king, Ericson of the Vikings.
Let's have the king of the Vikings
on the set, please.
Oi, you, king of the Vikings.
On the set, pronto.
Chop, chop. Get a wiggle on.
What are you supposed to be,
a Viking or a rhinoceros?
Watch It, mate. I'll have you
over my shoulder In a minute.
It's your own fault,
you and your cheap costumes.
There's still time. Let's make It a comedy.
No. This Is going to be a true portrait of
Saxon England under the Viking hordes.
But this Is ridiculous.
How can you make...
Who's this lot, then?
It's the Viking army.
They're what I've conquered
the whole of England with, are they?
Well, I'll hire another couple
for the battle scenes.
It says In the script, “3,000 screaming
savages locked In mortal combat.”
All right, I'll do It In sections.
We'll have to Jump them about a bit.
- They're all we're gonna have?
- That's all we can afford.
Look at "'em.
Fearless pagans from the frozen north.
All you need Is Bernard Bresslaw
and you've got another army.
And I'm turning it In now.
All right, men. Disband.
You're all demobbed.
-We're all going home.
- {Gang) Walt a minute!
You can't send them home. They're on
four shillings and thruppence an hour.
- You wanna pay their money?
- Well, no...
- Shut up, then, and come over here.
- Where do I stand, then?
Now, then. This Is your camp.
The Saxon king here Is your prisoner.
Now, then.
You are returning,
after a hunting expedition, to your camp,
to have a feast to give thanks to the
gods for helping you beat the Saxons.
You make your entrance
through the shrubbery.
Stand by. Sound.
- Sound on.
- Camera?
- Cameras ready.
- All right. Lights. Mark It.
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
Scene five, take one.
Quiet, please. Action.
Enter the king of the Vikings.
- Ho, there.
- Hold It. Shoot It. Got It?
-Yes.
- Good boy. Next shot. Left arm down.
Right arm up a bit. Hold lit. Shoot It.
Got it? Good boy.
Next shot. Left arm down a bit.
Right arm up. Right leg up a bit.
Hold 1. Hold it.
Shoot It. That's lovely, Hancock.
You're giving a lovely little performance
here. Right.
Right leg forward a bit. Right arm back.
Walt a minute, Walt a minute.
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but didn't I hear a rumour
a few years ago about movie cameras?
You know, cameras with reels of film so
you can move about and walk and run?
And have trains going by? And when you
shut It, everything moves about?
We ain't got one.
- This Is supposed to be a proper studio.
- We can't afford one.
But It's going to take four years
to do It like this.
How can you make a film
taking all separate photographs?
You stick "em together
and drill little holes along the edges.
Stick "em all together
and drill little holes... He's right.
1 suppose It'll work. I don't see why
It shouldn't. Of course It won't work.
I'm sure Cecil B DeMille
doesn't approach It like that.
It's bad enough as It Is without this mob
Jumping about like Noddy and Big Ears.
Hello, Big Ears. Have you seen Mr Plod
the policeman today?
- He's not having half an hour of that.
- People won't notice the difference.
Suppose I want to throw my spear. How
will you get It going through the air?
All you've got to do
Is move It, shoot It, move lit, shoot It.
- Move It, shoot It.
- Yes, yes.
Very Ingenious, but I'm not doing It
- I demand you get me a movie camera.
- I dunno, mate. They cost money.
I'll pay for It. My career Is at stake.
If we're going to carry on with this farce,
might as well do It properly.
How much does one cost?
The latest super deluxe model camera
would cost 50 nicker.
All right. I'll pay for It. Go and get one.
There we are.
- Have you had this here all the time?
- Certainly.
- Why haven't we used It?
- I've been waiting for you to pay for It.
Property
of the National Science Museum.
A Mack Sennett mark one.
It works. What more do you want?
Strike that. Come over here.
Places, everyone. Places.
You follow Hancock around like that,
will ya?
- Are you running?
-Yes.
Mark It.
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
Scene six, take one.
Quiet, everybody. Action.
Ho, there, Vikings, good strong men
and true. It Is I, your King Ericson.
(All, flatly) Hooray... Hooray... Hooray...
Enough. Conserve your energies
for the forthcoming battle.
What news hast thou, Wolfgang?
Crazy, man. Crazy.
We're having ourselves a ball.
We found this limey bum casing
the Joint so we took him In. Ten-four.
What's all this
"cool, crazy, ten-four” stuff?
- For the Americans market.
- Well, I'm not doing It.
I'm British and proud of it.
It's our language. I'm not ashamed of It.
Cost you 100,000 nicker.
- Er... 21-60.
- Check!
- And a 98-40 and a 32-80.
- Roger!
Very good. Now get on with It.
Ah! So we meet at last,
you proud Saxon dog.
King Ethelred, I presume,
the cruellest despot In Europa.
Your time has come. I will avenge
your thousand Innocent victims.
What dost thou say to that?
It's 11 o'clock. Tea break, union rules.
- Oh, look...
- (Sid) Cut!
Back In five minutes.
Oh, come back. You can't go so soon.
This Is the mid die of my big scene.
- We'll shoot It after tea.
- I'll never do It as well as that again.
That was It. I had It then. I've lost It now.
You can't Just switch It on and off.
Taut as a violin string, I was there.
I wonder if Richard Greene had this
trouble with the Sheriff of Nottingham.
I think I'll have my tea as well.
I think I'll have a piece of toast.
All right. You've all had your tea.
Let's have you on set for the last scene.
This scene concerns
the beautiful captive Saxon princess
and Ericson, king of the Vikings.
Let's have "em.
I said to Fred at the time. I said, "You
can't keep me chained to the kitchen."
I've got my career.
I've got my career to think of.
- Of course you have. Art comes first.
- Yeah, well, that's what I told him.
- Keep your head up.
- Sorry, dear.
Ta. Then he said, "Well, who's gonna
look after the kids?" So I said he was.
Laurence Olivier doesn't expect
Vivian Leigh to stay In and do the spuds.
Exactly. I told him, I said, "Here, I'm a film
star. I can't be a housewife as well.”
He does the housework better than what
I do. He chucked a saucepan at me.
- Yeah, I did laugh.
- Excuse me, Sarah Bernhardt.
Can we have you on the set?
We're ready.
- Of course, Sidney. Thank you, love.
- (Hancock) Pleasure, dear. Any time.
Over here, please. Now, then. You are
a beautiful captive Saxon princess
and you hate him because he's a Viking.
But In spite of yourself, you can't help it.
You are In love with him.
That's very touching.
That'll be a beautiful moment, that will.
The Saxons are going to make one last
desperate attempt to rescue her.
Right. Stand by. Mark It.
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
Scene 24, Take one.
- Very up-to-date, this.
- (Sid) Get on with It. Action.
All right.
No, this could never be Boadicea.
After all, I am a Viking king.
And you, you are merely a Saxon.
Oh, Ericson. Take me with you. I will melt
that Icy northern blood of yours.
No, 'tis no life for a woman.
We roam the world robbing the rich
and giving to the poor
and fighting evil and crime.
Oh, Ericson.
You are a brave and a good man.
- I am true only to my God.
- I love you, Ericson. Take me with you.
No, no, It cannot be. Oh, God...
(Sid) Get on with It!
- Tell him to keep that thing up.
- I can't. It's making my arms ache.
I'll make your head ache
ll' you don't turn It away.
Ah, Boadicea, my English rose.
Wouldest
that I could stayest with youest.
Then stayest, and we will rule
over my people together.
No, no. It can't be'est.
One lasting break before...
One lasting break before I...
This Saxon chariot Is Indeed
an encumbrance. Ha-ha-ha!
(Sid) Get round here.
One more lasting break. One...
Oh, forget It. I'll see you down the boat.
1 shouldn't bother about It If I were you.
Lord Ericson.
Private Olaf reporting.
I have run many leagues.
I bring thee tidings of great...
- Magnitude.
- Yes, magnitude.
The Saxon hordes are... Er...
The Saxon hordes are...
The Saxon hordes are
bearing down fast on our camp.
1 beseech thee. Make haste.
Or before the moon crosses the sky,
we will be slaughtered.
Like pigs? No.
We will be slaughtered like pigs.
Yes, that's It.
We will be slaughtered like pigs.
That's the message.
Very good. I enjoyed that.
There I: some dried cod In the house.
Go eat thy fill.
- Hey. The Saxons are upon us, man.
- Oh, ten-four!
Oh, Ericson, we meet again. In different
circumstances this time. Seize him!
Not while I have the slayer of wolves
In this hand
and the moon and heavens In this.
- {Sid) Come on, then!
- I haven't got a sword.
(Sid) Well, try that one.
What's this, then?
(Sid) We haven't got any swords.
He's making the noises.
Oh...
We've stopped, mate.
Come on, then. Come on. Let's have lit.
Oh! I die, I die, 1 die! Oh!
- Hurry up. We're running out of film.
- Give us time.
I die.
1, Ericson, king of the Vikings,
have killed your leader.
Throw down your swords
and surrender to me.
- (Coughs)
- Oh, shut up.
Take to the boat, men. We all for home.
There's the northern light. We'll sail by
her light. We'll be In Norway by sunrise.
Pull hard. Take your cue from me.
In, out. One, out...
In, out, In, out...
- How's It going?
- Marvellous. We've got an epic here.
Walt till I've finished Joining It together.
I've had to cut a couple... Whoops.
I've had to cut a couple of bits out.
Yes, I was hoping you would have to.
- Sure you know what you're doing?
- Of course I know, son.
Don't remember that bit.
Never mind. It looks nice. Bung It In.
Here's the stuff we did on location.
1 tell you, within the week,
top of the Top 10, this. Not kidding.
Fancy putting my career
In the hands of a man like that.
It's nearly 8:16. It'll be on In a minute.
I wonder what sort of a mess
he's made of It.
I'll never be able to watch I, I know that.
- All set? I'm looking forward to this.
- Yes, I expect you are.
You enjoy seeing me
sit here and squirm, don't you?
Let's face It. You've never liked me.
Let's have It out here and now.
You've always had the knife Into me.
Oh, yes. I know.
Of course I like you. I want to see you
get on. Let's have a butcher's.
...and demanded a medical report
That's the end of the news headlines.
The time Is 8:15. Now the BBC present
the first of a historical adventure series,
Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
(Trumpet fanfare)
# Ericson, Ericson, Ericson the good
# Ericson, Ericson,
nipping through the wood
# Killing's to his liking cos he Is a Viking
# Ericson, Ericson, Ericson
# Ole!
# Ericson, Ericson, Ericson the good
# Ericson, Ericson,
nipping through the wood
# Killing's to his liking cos he Is a Viking
# Ericson, Ericson, Ericson
# Ole! #
(Traffic noise)
(Horn beeps)
(Music slows and stops)
The BBC have decided not to continue
with Ericson, King Of The Vikings.
So until the next part of our programme,
the 84th showing
of the London to Brighton Run...
Well, that wasn't bad.
Quite entertaining, I thought.
I can get down to London Airport
and get out of the country.
- You realise you've ruined me?
- Don't blame me. It was an old camera.
- I'm off.
- Walt a minute. Tony, look.
- It': a good Idea. We'll just change It.
- I'm not listening.
- I have no wish to hear anything further.
- We can learn from our mistakes.
- I know exactly what to do now.
- Haven't you done enough damage?
This Is the greatest Idea I've had.
This has never been done before.
This'll be the biggest thing
that ever hit the screens.
Talk about American television.
I've got the Japs Interested In this.
Back, O sea. Back, I say.
Back, I command thee. Back.
The Adventures Of King Canute.
Back, I say. Get back.
Wil you get back? I... Get back.
Back... I'm going to sort you two out.