Gossip Girl (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Gossip Girl - full transcript

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We all
want to be in control

of how the world sees us.

Sometimes
we're tactful

about what we show others.

And
sometimes we are tactless.

There
are times we wish

we could have shown
ourselves differently.

And then there are times
when the world sees us

exactly how we want.

No one believes
me, but it's better in the oven.

They're turkey. Shan's off
pork and Gwen's off nitrates.



And I was fasting.

That's new.

Who among us
hasn't tried to escape our lives

from time to time?

Or buried
our heads in the sand

to run from an
uncomfortable reality?

You're gonna be late.

Not if I don't go.

- Your friends miss you, and...
- Who needs friends, or school,

or clothes?

Can't we just do this forever?

Obie, no...

That's
why I'm here.

To drag you kicking
and screaming



into the harsh light of day

until you finally
accept the truth.

Your image is something
you'll never have power over.

Show any face you want, but
know I'll expose them all.

There's no hiding from me.

"The inevitable death of..."

I got the granola you like.
And the pistachio milk.

Did you know this is
made in Fort Greene?

You didn't have to do that.

I know you're still reeling
from the other night.

And while I can't condone how
you two handled yourselves,

I can't imagine how shocking
it must have been finding out

Monet invited your dad.

Actually, that was the
most believable thing

that happened that night, lol.

I assume this means war?

I'm gonna
try something more radical...

letting it go.

Please impart this
newfound wisdom

onto your sister,

who's miraculously still asleep.

- I'll go check...
- Oh, um, I'll go get her.

I think I'd like a bagel,
actually.

Bread on a weekday?
You have changed!

I'll get one going.

Mm.

Mm.

Good morning.

Up late again?

Finishing a paper
on Catch-22.

Ever since Christmas it's like
you're your old self again.

Even
better, am I right?

What do you think
about cooking tonight?

We could each do a course?

Yeah, yeah, I'm in.

Me too.

By the way, Sis,

did you notice you're all
over the socials today?

Monet! What the fuck?
Did you invite my dad?

Why would you do that?

You ruined it. Like
you ruined everything.

Stop!

Oh, I'm actually
not that hungry.

That's the second day in a row.

Maybe she already ate?

You're still not dressed?

No. I'm not going.

Look, why don't you
just move in, all right?

Your tutor can move in too.

We can all be
homeschooled together.

In our free
period, we can, uh...

Why don't you wanna go? Julien?

No, of course not. No, it's...

Everyone.

You know, they're just... I
mean, did you even read about

what happened last weekend?
And that's not even, like, bad

from where they're concerned.

Yeah, I don't think
you give them enough credit.

A lot of introspection seemed
to be happening over New Year's.

Maybe they've changed.
Give it a day?

Tomorrow is a day.

My driver's downstairs.
How about we pick up Audrey

and Aki on the way?

Find out whose house they're at?

Okay.

Sam Francis sketch was a gift
from your mother, correct?

A gift to me, before
we were married.

- Okay, another one for you.
- Is that a dig?

Not a dig. Just an observation.

Maxy? Honey,
could you do me a favor

and grab me a water?

You don't wanna
hear this next bit.

I'm gonna have to
pretend to put up a fight

for pops's Nick Brandts

so that he'll let
me keep the Haring.

Yeah, sure.

- Hey!
- Audrey,

Aki, Obie, what a nice surprise.

And you are...

Grace Byron. My
pronouns are she/her.

- And yours?
- Ah, fuck.

He/him, and
thank you for asking.

Thank you so
much for having us.

So, she ambushed us on
our way to come get you.

Looks
like you had a rough night.

Yeah. Yeah, well, you said
to keep up the appearance

I'm single, so
I'm keeping it up.

Which probably means

I won't be able
to free you later.

Well, better than
the word getting out

that you're suddenly celibate.

That would raise
too many alarms.

We have some
mutual friends, right?

- Do we?
- Iris Lefferts?

You're kidding.

I'm dead serious. Iris
Lefferts and my mother

are in the DAR together!

The what?

Uh, Daughters of the
American Revolution, it's...

Words you probably
shouldn't say anymore?

- It's an organization.
- For rich WASPs. Like Congress.

Um, remember when I told
you they were meeting people

to redesign Gramercy Park?

Well, I was trying
to find a way in.

Grace's mom's friend
is on the board.

- Uh, Iris is notoriously...
- Particular?

She warms up once
you get to know her,

but let me put in a good word!
Forward me your proposal?

Well, thank you.

Otto, you found yourself
a good one here.

Yeah.

"Gossip Girl's meteoric
rise was fueled

by its unflinching finger on
the pulse of high society,

but she appears
to have flatlined.

The tell-all source
told us nothing

about the biggest showdown
since Nicki v. Cardi.

Has GG left the scene, or
has the scene left her?"

I miss one
scuffle and it's over?

All good things must
come to an end, right?

And surprisingly, without
a suspension or a subpoena!

But you're not really
buying this, right?

I mean, it's nothing.
It's The Spectator,

for God's sake. The amount of
tips I got this week alone...

You accomplished what
you set out to do!

Julien is a kinder, gentler,
albeit disgraced young woman

who is off social media
and considering college.

What else do you want?

Once GG gets footage
of Camille admitting

that she bribed Burton,
talk about front page news.

It'll make The Spectator
look like a Substack.

Do you really think
that Motorcycle Mike

will give it to you?

Even if he does, the
second it's on GG,

he'll know how it got there.

And why was he even in the room?

Maybe he's a spy for Pfizer
in some sort of intricate game

- of corporate espionage? Or...
- Or I could just ask him.

Hey!

- So, uh, about the other night...
- Let me guess.

You want a cut of
the blackmail money?

- Depends on how much it is.
- Look, that sabbatical I took?

It was 'cause I reached
a breaking point

with the corruption here.
I'd hoped post-Covid

it would've subsided, but no,
I... I can still get a table

at Lilia at a moment's notice.

Hmm. The true New
York superpower.

Yeah, granted to
me by supervillains.

Someone needs to hold
these people accountable

before we're all
bought and paid for.

You might be the first person

who could actually take
out Camille de Haan.

She's just a victim
of a systemic disease

that's been plaguing
these schools for years.

What we heard the other night,
not even a tip of the iceberg.

So, why not send it
in to Gossip Girl

- and Titanic her ass?
- Well, from what I've read,

Gossip Girl is more
the Titanic these days.

Well, I believe so fully
in your mission statement,

and I want in.

Thanks, but I'd hate for
you to get caught up in this

and get fired.

I trust you'll keep
this between us?

- You won't tell Gossip Girl?
- Mm, of course not!

Keller.

I starred a bunch
of people who tapped you

who I think you'd like.

Also I realized you
were incognito mode,

so I switched your settings.

It's
because I'm exhausted.

Can we please not
do this anymore?

You said you understood
we need time.

Yeah. Also, it's
not just about us.

See, my mom, she's up

for this big design
job at J Crew.

So, a scandal could
overshadow that.

Yeah, and my mom's throwing
a big Welcome-to-New-York party

for former Princess Mako,
and I don't want that

- to be overshadowed either.
- Yeah.

Look, just pick three
that you like, okay?

If you're too tired
to chat them up,

then I'd be more than happy
to do so on your behalf.

You know, I'm so glad to see
you guys all so happy together.

Wasn't really sure
how things were left

after New Year's, you know.

- You and Max are...
- Uh, no...

Yeah.

That was kinda just for fun.

Yeah, and it wasn't
even that fun.

- Right. Yeah.
- Seriously.

Oh, my God, look, it's
Julien with paparazzi?

Will you take
me with you, please?

One day, you promised.

I'll be here to pick you
up after school like a mom.

I know.

And now something else to
talk about with my analyst!

Bye.

Julien, come
on, give us a little smile.

Good, babe.

Beautiful.
Come on, Julien.

Right the...
Yes, right there, okay.

Right, I
love that look. Yes!

Oh, thank God you're here.
They followed me onto the M86!

I don't know that equation.

The bus, Luna. They were
outside Zoya's house

and now they're still here!

It's because you're
trending again,

from Discord to Douyin.

Who knew what everyone wanted
was to see a bunch of rich girls

in white dresses
tear each other apart

like it was the next
Ari Aster movie?

That's the last thing
I want to be known for.

Mm, second to last. Let me
remind you, this is good.

Your dad may have been
there, but he's not on here.

You're on your way
to being you again.

Maybe infamous this
time instead of famous,

but that's so much better.

The Spectator called.
They're doing a spread

for their Sunday magazine

on the world's most
influential teens,

and they're hoping I can
sway you to be the center.

Well, what does that entail?

You basically host
a luxe dinner party

for six of your besties
for them to shoot

and write about.

If you don't do it, they're
gonna call Monet, Jules.

It's you or her.

Stop trying to pit us
against each other!

There's no versus,
there's no war.

What happened at the deb
ball blew up in her face.

She's probably somewhere with
her tail between her legs.

Kate...

right?

Hi.

Uh...

Ms. Keller. Uh, since
when do you two...

Complete strangers
to us.

Are you students here?

Pippa Sykes.

- And Bianca Br...
- Transfer students, as of today.

Um, so the teachers' entrance

is just gonna be
around the back.

That hasn't been
enforced since the 1940s.

And again today.

- I'm not a teacher.
- Your hair is.

And your clothes.

In ten years, you're gonna
be digging through the racks

at Screaming Mimi's praying
you find all of this.

In ten years my EA might.

Vintage on 14th street?

If I wasn't
intermittent fasting,

I'd literally be
throwing up in my mouth.

Intermittent fasting is just
a rebranded eating disorder!

Ever had a 300-dollar
heirloom carrot?

- Can't say that I have.
- Well, you're in luck.

Dan Barber is making room for
us at the Blue Hill upstate,

so there's a seat at
that farm-to-table

with your name on it. You in?

Um...

Yeah. My
dad says we should have fun.

Ooh.

On the grid, I see?

Still pent-up after
leaving me high

and very dry last night?

If you're not into this,
just tell me. I can take it.

Rex, I
told you, anticipation...

Is only worth it in the end?

This bottom is free first period

and so are you.

That was last year.
Maybe another time.

What's going on?

"New rules, or new
school, up to you."

What
fresh hell is this?

Oh, she's
gone full Chairman Mao-net!

And on real paper, not an email!

Bonus points, but
still terrifying.

Nope, exactly what I need.

Monet wants to take
Constance pre-me, good.

Maybe it will remind Mike that
the apple doesn't fall far

from the tree.

Greetings, followers.

It's a new day, a new dawn,

a new life, and
I'm feeling greedy.

So many
tips coming my way,

you'd think it
was last semester.

Though
Max Wolfe looks like

he's on the prowl, it
appears he's on pause.

Everyone he dates,
he ducks out on.

What of Zoya Lott,
caught sneaking

into her apartment the
third day in a row?

Where has she been
sleeping, and who with?

Oh, I really hope
Dad doesn't see this.

I warned you about doormen.

But does
it even matter anymore?

A new era may soon be upon us,
with Attila de Haan at the helm.

A play for back doors, dress
codes, and hierarchies.

This revolution will
be live-streamed.

Uh! I'm sorry, you're
not on the list.

- Uh...
- Let her pass.

A formal dress code?
Assigned seating on the steps

and imported minions?
Is this your way

of trying to make
Constance a caste system?

Back
when you “mattered,”

- this school had no hierarchy.
- Which is a good thing.

Until it led to anarchy
like Zoya and...

...Gossip Girl.

You know, people crave
order. That's what I deliver.

You were soft, benevolent.
Switzerland. I'm North Korea.

Though it may be the
size of a postage stamp,

the whole world shudders when
it does so much as speak.

The peasants of Constance
falling into line

is only the
beginning.

Next, legions of followers,
all bowing down to me.

This war you tried to start
is between me and you.

- Don't take it out on everyone.
- No. They love it.

It gives them purpose,
rewards their potential,

and it provides someone
to aspire to. Hmm.

And after my
piece in The Spectator

where I am named

one of the world's most
influential whatevers,

everyone...

will be under my influence.

What's funny?

- They offered it to me first.
- Sure they did, bb.

Yeah, and I happily declined.

You be
happy. I'll be powerful.

Just remember, no
adornments moving forward?

You're...
enough as you are.

Um, come.

I want that.

Oh, Cartier.

You're not
in on this, right?

Hell no. My parents sent me
here to escape dictatorship.

People won't just fall in line.

Said every
democracy before it fell.

Hey, Dad.

If you haven't been sleeping
at home, where have you been?

- Listen...
- I know where you've been.

I can't believe I
thought you were better

than all these rich,
self-absorbed snobs.

What other kind of people
would let you stay over there

without checking with me first?

The kind that trust their kids.
You know, maybe if I thought

- that you trusted me...
- Why would I? You'd lie.

You even lied about where
you were at New Year's.

- I called Shan's mom...
- You called her?

And she said you were there
that night, too.

- Did you even go to Hudson?
- Dad, I...

Prepare closing
arguments at home.

You'll be there for a while
because you're grounded.

And I don't want Shan
coming over again, either.

Shan didn't even know
that I lied to you!

Be home within
30 minutes of last bell

or you won't be seeing daylight
again for the rest of the year.

No carrots for Zoya?

Why didn't you tell me
you hadn't told him?

I didn't want you to feel bad
when he said that I couldn't.

I was having so much fun,
I didn't want it to end.

And truthfully, hanging
out with your family

just reminded me what
things were like before.

When life was simpler and my
dad and I actually talked.

What's his beef with us anyways?
He hasn't even met my fam.

His beef is with anybody that
can easily afford a place

in Manhattan.

And now I can't see you
for who knows how long.

You've been faking
it this whole time?

Uh, I made out with
them, I just...

I just never made it into them.

What? With one person,
fine, but three?

Even Gossip Girl
knows something's up.

Yeah, look, I know you
guys are not ready,

and I'm sorry that
GG caught on, okay?

But look, maybe this
is more of a sign

that we should be ourselves.

Aki and I have been
talking, and honestly,

this thing between us?

Why should it be
anyone else's business?

I mean, my college counselor's
been going on non-stop

about avoiding scandal,
and the only way to do that

is to keep this between us.

W... never come out?
What, am I to be trapped

in your closets forever?

No, thinking about
this as "in vs. out...”

It feels so binary, dude.

Like, this is about us
not opening ourselves

up to public discourse
and judgment.

Look, see, all we have
to do is one more thing

to get GG off our backs, and
we can be us again. Alone.

Let me guess. You have a plan?

Your dad's going to a
show tonight, right?

So, invite a group
over for a little romp

and circumstance, and
once they're in your bed,

we'll bust in, snap a photo,
and show GG that Max Wolfe

is still up to it, three
little pigs and all.

Just not us three.

- They got you too?
- Barricaded the front door

with freshmen like it
was a human Les Mis.

That's your “victim's” daughter.

Oh, Keller, thinking small.

I'm after a bigger fish.

The headmistress?

Who better? You may
be focused on Camille,

but I think the source of
a river is more interesting

than the tiny stream
we stumbled upon.

When something's for sale,
there are multiple bidders.

Which is why I'm having
dinner with her tonight.

She likes me, I know opera.

After a couple
bottles of Bordeaux,

she'll be singing an aria.

Or fifty.

You want more than
just one name.

Or maybe I wanna
see how much I cost.

That's one secret
I'll never tell.

Um, okay, that's
enough, handmaids.

My place at 7:00?

I need my arrival live streamed,

and no one knows my
angles like you do.

Mistaking me for
one of your minions?

No, just outsourcing.

You... you and I
were wasting our time

in those roles for too long.

It's time we see
ourselves at the top.

There is no "we" in this.

This is all you,
to do it this way.

Come on, Lune, okay?

You know I've always
wanted my own influence.

Julien just got there first.

And now that she's
squandered hers,

it's my time.

And unlike Julien,

I want my subjects
to quake in fear,

never forgetting
who's in charge.

Hmm?

Oh, good, it's my
first banishment!

Um, Pips, accidentally trip,
as you bring her to me,

so she skins her
knees? Oh, my gosh!

Hey!

Monet actually expects people
to use tickets to enter

- the bathroom?
- It's a power move,

- it won't stick.
- Gossip Girl says different.

"Another January insurrection?
This Constance coup is brewing.

What's your role gonna be,
JC? Savior, or subordinate?"

- Down. Lower.
- Down. Down.

I mean, I know she
has to be stopped,

but why does it have to be me?

Because you created her.
Years of inattentiveness

to her wants and desires
has made her your Brutus.

As my tío used to say,
"You cause the problem,

you fix the problem."

And there's an
easy way to do it.

Sabotage The Spectator spread.

That would only incite her more.

Not if she can't
prove it was you.

You do it from the inside,
making it silently fall apart,

like Neiman's, or Florence
Pugh and that old guy.

Monet'll look
desperate trying to pin

the blame on you with
nothing to back it up,

and while she tries
to put out the fires,

you appear as the smoke clears.

Lady Liberty after
a foggy morning.

Constant, reliable,
strong as ever.

Hi, this is Luna La
calling for Zelda Wengrod?

Did you really think
this would work?

Spotted.

Noble O in less
than noble company.

- Are you kidding me? -
GOSSIP GIRL: Is he playing for a...

Are you kidding me?

Honestly, Roy, if this is
about the Le Sidaner again...

No, it actually worked! Grace
Byron got me an audience

with the Gramercy Park
gorgon for tonight.

Well, I'm glad for you?

Yes, well, I need a little...

Favor.

I don't understand. From me?

And there's a catch.

Let me guess. She doesn't
like queer people.

Historically speaking,
no, she doesn't,

but she is willing
to meet, so...

- Maybe I was wrong.
- About what?

Tonight.

She turns out to
be so much bigger

than I ever could have imagined.

This is ridiculous! You can't
hide from your life like this,

and you can't run
from your friends.

It's not running if
they're not chasing

or... or even noticing.

I'm not following.

How do you feel about
being a plus one?

To what?

Dinner tonight. You,
me, your friends.

Let them remind you
why you love them.

I'm still waiting for the catch?

Well, she thinks we're married.

- What's going on here?
- Uh, nothing.

It's not a big deal. We
could just pretend, right?

Like old times.

Like nothing happened? What
exactly are you telling me?

I need to have dinner
with Nancy fucking Reagan

and pretend like
we're still together?

Or that maybe our life is
a little more conventional

than one of us is?

Shouldn't you be on
your way to Tarrytown?

- Change of plans.
- People do not do these things, Roy!

This is the real world,
not The Birdcage!

He says while clearly clutching
his pearls at this very moment?

Audrey, Aki, would you wanna have
dinner with Obie and me tonight?

At your house? Sorry,
did you miss the part

where my dad said I can't
see you or your family?

Just... just two hours,
Gideon. I promise.

Two hours? That's it?

Just know I won't
take no for an answer.

An answer to what now?

That dinner she requested
is at our house.

He just needs to see
it with his own eyes.

- See what?
- My taste?

It's three. You
think I have time to cook

and redecorate?

Dinner. You, us.

Me, my fam. Which is
why Gwen and Garrett

have invited the both of you
over tonight, and I told them

to tone down the
whole rich thing

so he can see just
how wrong he is.

The answer is yes! Uh,
anything for my boy Obes.

We just have an errand
at, like, six. Six?

Seven.

Seven, and then we're all yours.

Max, would you want to join?

- No, he's busy.
- He's busy.

Yeah, that.

- Do you have an appointment?
- We both do.

That Spectator spread's about
to get a whole lot bigger.

Why be influential alone

when you can be
referential together?

I can't wait to see
you shine, bitch!

Wait, what are you saying?

Get
Nicky and get dressed.

Tonight, you're eating
Barnes-to-table.

- That's right! I'm coming to dinner!
- See you there.

Julia Child once said...

“The dinner hour is
a sacred time.” -

But she
didn't live in New York.

Hope you're hungry, followers,

because tonight,
mayhem is on the menu,

and devastation is for dessert.

I left my boyfriend at home
for Victorian-era cosplay?

No good sex happens here.

Yeah, Wolfe, what's this about?

Since you all seem dissatisfied
by my previous performance,

perhaps a group activity
might do the trick?

Uh, we have the whole house to
ourselves and I will not stop

until you are all
deeply, fully satisfied.

But I am gonna course it
out, you know, like a...

like a five-star meal.

Okay, my room is on
the fourth floor.

That's strange.
It's not locked.

Uh, Maxy must've
forgotten on his way out.

Get dinner going

and I'll make everything
less Oscar Wilde.

Oh... Cunty Continental
or Country Club?

If they serve it on
Gilded Age, we're good.

Okay.

Oh, Keith, I'm so sorry
to do this to you.

And together.

Of course she's late.
They won't seat us

until the full party is
here. She better show.

She wouldn't wanna
sabotage this one, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- It's good for her, too.

Pippa, I can feel you
breathing on my shoulder.

Swap with Bianca,
hmm? Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Is there a problem?
Are we early?

Okay, only one way
to say it, I lied.

Burton is having dinner
tonight. Just not with us.

Uh...

At least, not yet.

Hey!

Mr. Shubin. And Ms. Keller.
Did something happen at school?

I saw dinner on your calendar,
I thought I missed an email. Uh.

- It's not a faculty event?
- No, it's not.

- Huh.
- Darn it! Uh.

Well, I even brought a rare
Callas. Proch Variations!

Featuring two high F's!

You can put your
coats in my bedroom.

- You sure?
- Up the stairs

- and off to the left, yeah.
- Okay.

- Thank you. So sorry.
- Thank you.

Oh. Door's just open?

I guess the butler
has the night off.

Okay, you said you'd
give them a chance.

I'm here, aren't I?

Hey,
Mister L!

We don't shake
hands in this house!

Oh, okay.

Mm.

Nick, right?

Sorry we're late.
Delay on the two.

Uh. Love your coat.
Where is it from?

Um. Men's Wearhouse.

Oh, and you brought
wine, how thoughtful.

The store recommended it.

Skin contact, I think.

- Never seen this before. Seems
fancy. -

Well, I mean it is
a special occasion,

our families finally
meeting.

Come on in.

This is more boring than
a Wes Anderson movie.

And you reading all of
Rimbaud was bad enough.

Maybe I should go.

No, no, no. You just...
You just need to get

into the spirit of the build-up.

I mean, the foreplay makes
the field play so much better.

And I wanna be here

the whole damn night.

Uh. No. What...
Uh. One kiss per item.

Iris, uh,
welcome to our...

Humble home.

Mr. Wolfe, nice to meet you.

Is this a, uh,
shoes-off household?

It is... n't.

Thank G-O-D.

Someone's disgusting
bare feet on your flooring

has never made sense to me.

This is nice. Might as
well be on the park.

But, of course, it isn't.

Not a fan of
the wallpaper.

Mrs. Lefferts, would
you like a cocktail?

And you have staff!
How wonderful.

Oh! Yes, please.

Dearie, gin, neat and
only Navy Strength.

It's a wig
from when Annette Bening

made everyone come
as her to her 60th.

Jules! You
missed the sunset photo.

Oh, that's okay. I'll just
get them to Photoshop me in.

Hunter! I didn't know you
were going to be doing

this piece, it's so
great to see you!

You look amazing.
Who are you wearing?

Theophilio.

Um, I'm Monet, and
Dolce. Vintage.

I'll make that note.

Are you ready to be seated?

The first course
is about to begin.

Oh, yes. I am so excited
to try their flute course,

- I can't contain myself.
- Um. My paper was informed

that this was to
be a vegan meal.

Vegan? No one here is vegan.

I'm sorry. It's
already prepared.

- Follow me.
- Did you know

that meat production
is one of the biggest

- causes of climate change?
- No, I...

definitely do not care.

Even just going vegan
for lunch can do so much.

You know, perhaps
it's all these lights,

but suddenly the room
feels full of hot air.

I need food before I faint,
even if it's a vegetable, okay?

Come on.

This is a parents' night?

Donor dinner. I saw a
note in Burton's cal.

Well...

Don't get all "you" about this

when we've cracked
the inner circle.

I guess a dinner is better
than crouching in a closet.

And a hell of a lot nicer.

- What are you doing?
- It's FAO Schwarz

for rich spinsters.

This hand-painted wallpaper,
it's a thousand dollars a panel.

And this townhouse, it's
bought and paid for,

I checked. Seven mil.

I... She
probably makes, what?

No more than a couple hundred
grand a year, at most?

We know she's on the take.
Now, we just have to note down

everyone who shows up to pay.

I think I need a...

I think I need a moment
to catch my breath.

You boy, do something in
the meantime I might like?

I'm... very gay.

Then you
should be better at it.

Enough stalling.

Either I'm sliding in
you or into GG's DMs

telling her you've gone ace.

What'll it be?

We'll just
be one minute.

Okay, we'll wait here.

Yeah, we
could probably...

What?

Mr. Sachs? What
are you doing here?

Uh. Max isn't home.

Of course he isn't.
Gideon, is that you?

Oh, she's joking
because it's just been so long

- since we've...
- Who is this random child?

These are our son's friends.

- I didn't know you had a son.
- Uh. Yes, we do and, uh,

he's at Andover. He's a...
he's top of his class,

he... he even rows crew.

Well, I'm... I'm pretty sure
he's upstairs, not at Andover.

Oh, he means home
for the weekend,

but he's out, Mr. Menzies,

- I promise you.
- Menzies. As in Roger Menzies?

He's my dad.

It is a pleasure to meet
you! Come and sit down.

Your father and my late husband
were once in business together

at the National Review!

Uh. Th... this is not
at all what I expected,

- and I'm so glad!
- Ah!

You don't need to stay.

It's going to take more than
maitake to ruin this for her.

- Your first course.
- Don't worry, I've got this.

Now, for a candid conversation
with our guests of honors

and the topics of interest
that they provided.

Be warned. I give great
banter.

Ms. De Haan, what
are your thoughts

on Ukraine joining NATO?

Uh, there must be some mistake.
Um, the topics that I requested

were pop culture, celebrities,
"Why would you wear that?"

These are the topics
my team received.

It says here that you
also wanted to discuss

"De Haan Pharmaceuticals'
controversial decision

to hike prices for
their patent-protected

Alzheimer's medication"?

- No, I... that's um... I...
- Monet is very passionate

about making medication
accessible for all.

Remember, Monet? Freshman year,
she sold samples to any student

who wanted them for half price.

Julien's kidding.

Um. Why don't you
ask her one of hers?

Julien, what are your thoughts
on life after cancellation?

- Ooh, cancellation.
- Um.

I think of it as a
questioning, not canceling.

Who are we when we're
at our lowest point

and what do we do
with the wisdom

that we gain from being there?

- Maybe...
- Uh, my turn, my turn.

Apparently, you
have a “hot take”

to share on Israel
building settlements

in Palestine's Area C?

Maybe Zoya will treat
us to piano later?

She has quite the gift.

Piano? She took lessons
when she was younger.

But... I didn't know
you still played.

She's like
Alicia Keys!

She's also a
master at Dutch Blitz.

- And she's a killer at Uno.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I am.

All these things I'm
learning about my daughter.

I guess I should come
here more often.

So, the... Employment law.

It... must keep you
pretty busy these days?

It pays the bills.

Dad, actually, just
recently got a promotion.

And not only was he able
to keep the apartment,

but he can now do
some very much needed

renovations around the house.

It's nothing, it's
nothing, just touch-ups.

Uh, we've been wanting to
do some renos ourselves.

But we don't have the budget
for the scope of what we want.

I guess we're stuck for now.

Worse places to be stuck.

Of course. We're very lucky.

Where are the real glasses?

Yeah, does anybody
wants some more ranch?

I'll get it.

I need a break.

Come on. Is
this edging or evading?

He clearly
doesn't wanna do this.

Max,

- what's it gonna be?
- What? No! No, no, no. Uh. I...

I am stalling because I may
or may not have ordered us...

some molly!

Well, where the
fuck is she then?

Young lady, it's not polite
to have your phone at dinner.

But A... Audrey knows

we're a no-phones-at-the-table
household.

We're very traditional that way.

Traditions are like clichés,

they exist because
there's proven value

- to them. Don't you agree?
- Oh. Yes.

That must be Max. Down
from Massachusetts.

Uh. Roy, tell
Iris your inspired idea

about adding terraced
flower beds in the park.

Uh. Right, right. Well, I
would start with azaleas.

Azaleas!

And then throw
them... right out.

I'm just listing the
things I don't like first.

What are
you two doing here?

We're just waiting for
Aki and Audrey. Um...

- Why are you dressed like that?
- Gracie, is that you?

Ms. Lefferts, how are you?

How's the DAR? Gran
says you're headed down

- to Baltimore next week.
- Young lady,

you may not respect me,
but I sincerely hope

you respect our gracious
hosts and their rules!

You know what? I'll
see if Rocky, uh,

can get us some more setups.

Everybody, uh, please
come in and take a seat.

That's the Newhouses. God,
who isn't at this party?

What... what are
you looking for?

Payments, but seems
like it's just gifts.

You can't really
prove anything that way.

Or...

Oh, just a, uh, stack
of old love letters.

These are from Leonard
Cohen to Marianne Ihlen!

They were auctioned
off for 800 grand!

Is someone in here?

Headmistress! This, uh,
is exactly what you think!

That's right. We are dating.

No, we're not.

- It was a cover.
- Well, we don't need a cover!

We know about the
bribes, Vivian.

Yeah, we know
that Camille de Haan

has been paying you to
improve Monet's grades.

And that everyone else
here is doing it too.

Oh, my God! Is she
going to kill us?

Well, thank God. My
secret's finally out.

Excuse me?

Anyone for a refill?

I thought you never
tried skin contact.

Uh. Yeah. This was
just laying around,

it was a gift, I think.

Yeah.

A gift with a price still on it.

Is something wrong, Nick?

You know, Zoya said you
canceled dinner at Blue Hill for this.

So, just a little surprised
about the paper plates

with the wings and the pizza,

especially when you have your
china right there.

I thought I raised you
to not surround yourself

with anyone who
thought less of you.

This is all my fault.

If we offended
you, we are sorry,

but we definitely do
not think less of you.

Maybe you don't realize
it, but you definitely do.

Hey, what the hell
are you saying?

- Babe...
- No, we've only ever tried

to be supportive
of your daughter.

She doesn't need your
support. She has mine.

Or had, before she
started coming here.

Dad! What is wrong with you?

I know you're behind this.

If by “this” you mean
you, looking amazing,

and coming off great,
then yeah, I am,

a hundred percent!

Okay, well, there's something
that you didn't know about,

so you couldn't screw it
up. And this thing is all

but going to get
us on the cover.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

I got Solange to give
us an intimate concert

over dessert. She's
right over there

behind that screen.

What?

I'm sorry. Hunter
was called away,

and there was some
miscommunication

with Solange's manager.

Someone told her
the event was off?

But what about my spread?

I think it's best we regroup

and potentially try
again next year?

One second. Um. Excuse me,
maybe there's something

that we can do, um...

I knew there was still
a queen in there.

And when word of
what you did hits,

the world will know it's you.

This wasn't for the
world. This was for Monet,

to check her power trip.
And she can't pin it on me.

Okay, but I don't... I mean...

Spotted.
Looks like when it came

to Queen D's big moment,

JC couldn't stand to
be just a spectator.

She decided to write
her own headline.

And it was only
one word, sabotage.

What the hell?

Aren't
you just so glad

we've lived long enough

to see the Supreme Court
come to its senses?

- You can't use your phone.
- You can't use your phone.

Um. Iris, uh, I'd really
like to reintroduce

native species to the park.
You know, maybe in an element

that's, uh, viewable
from the street.

The public is on us
about more accessibility.

Well, I think we can all agree
that... ...the city park

should be accessible
to everyone.

Well, maybe not everyone.

I appreciate
understated elegance.

Things that are not flashy
or attention-seeking.

A simple privet
hedge, clean lines.

- Sure.
- Yes,

and none of the
namby-pamby softness

that one sees
everywhere these days.

You know, I worried
that I would see it here

but thankfully, I do not.

- I'll get it.
- No, let me. Please.

Hello. I'm letting myself in.

And I think there's
somebody here for Max.

Oh, my gosh! I can't wait to
see these gowns on... you.

- Mom?
- Yeah, I'm coming,

I'm coming.

Knocked over my
clogs, so clunky.

Oh, don't tell me that
you took them off.

Iris, this is my
dearest friend Kiki

and she is a designer

and she's brought some
of her latest creations.

- Yes.
- Um, which have been inspired

- by...
- Uh. The... The park.

- The park.
- I love the park.

That's actually
who I was texting,

I felt I wasn't properly
dressed for your company.

- Where's Max?
- Are the goods for this party?

- Oh, God.
- Oh, oh, my...

Uh. Oh, you must
be from Instacart

with the baking
powder for Rocky.

Do you think I'm a rube?

It's obviously
confectioners' sugar!

Enough of this time wasting.
Let me have molly and let's go!

You didn't tell
me it was an orgy.

Of delights.

Where are your clothes,
young lady?

Here, they're just right here.
'Cause I was bringing them

to her and her name is...

- Valeria!
- Va... Valeria.

Valeria! I've seen
you at the ballet.

- Yeah, that's right.
- You are terrible.

- Valeria!
- Let's go.

We know when we're not wanted.

Speak for yourself,
this is a first for me.

No, no, no, no. Guys!
Guys! Guys! Please.

Why is everyone undressed?

Uh. Y... Rowing
team on the crew.

They... They're working
out in our home gym.

This is what I
was talking about.

I thought your
dads were divorced.

Divorced?

Dinner is served.

I don't expect you
to understand...

but I felt like I had no choice.

They kept plying me
with these things

and they made it very
clear that if I said no,

I would be removed.

So, I said yes.

And spent my life in a
constant state of fear...

that
I would be found out...

as I just was.

But Jesus.

What a relief.

A relief...

This is not my home...

it's a gilded cage.

Report me.

Please.

I knew we shouldn't
have come here.

Okay, why did you
treat them like that?

Treat them? Were we
even at the same table?

Dad, they were just
trying to be nice.

Playing poor isn't
nice. It's patronizing.

I was hoping to find out
why you've been lying to me,

but all I saw is
what they think of us

and now, I understand it
even less. Where's your coat?

I'm not coming with you.

- I'm staying.
- No, you're not.

- Z!
- Everything okay?

Mone, I'm sure you're
upset with me. I get it.

But look, you just went too far.

I can't let you
destroy the school.

I'm sorry.

Ew. What are you doing?

You're not supposed
to apologize.

Excuse me?

You're supposed to fight
back. That was the plan.

And you did it.

The plan?

I put everything into place
so that you would come for me,

and you played
into it perfectly.

While Pippa and Bianca
caught it on camera.

This was a setup?

I told you that I'd find
a way to start the war.

What better way than leaning
into the antiquated fetish

of pitting two women
against each other?

I can't be Blair without
a Serena.

Fuck the spread, we're
gonna make the cover.

- Push me in.
- I don't want a cover!

I want you to stop making
other people's lives miserable.

This isn't about other people.

This is about you losing to me...

and not being able
to stomach it.

So, you schemed and
manipulated to get your way.

You're doing exactly
what I'm doing.

Hmm. I should know, I
learned it from you.

You're right. I'm a hypocrite.

But not anymore.
I'm not doing this.

But what are you doing?
You can't walk away.

Did you see that?
Julien pushed Monet!

Finally, we can start our party...

Please. Roy is so passionate
about this opportunity.

And he just... He wanted to
make the right impression.

I've gotten the
right impression.

I don't stand for being
tricked.

And how could I expect
respect from two men who...

don't even value the promise
they made to one another?

Hmm, okay.

Uh. Well, with all due respect,

uh, my dads, married
or not, are a model

of a supportive relationship.
My dad cares so much

about my pops that
he was willing

to sacrifice his
comfort...

to appeal to someone like you.

That was the true
deception tonight.

And you are an expert at, uh,

some kind of healthy relationship?

Max is an amazing boyfriend

who's willing to
sacrifice his own comfort

for the people he
cares about, too.

Oh! I... I'm confused,
whose... whose boyfriend is he?

- He's mine.
- And mine. Both of us.

The moral
decline in this house.

You know, the only moral
decline in this house is yours.

You know, I don't want
to have anything to do

with, um, "your park,"
if it means dealing

with small-minded
bigots like you, Iris.

of what you think,
this is a sex-positive,

gender-fluid,
flashy as fuck home.

And I won't let it be anything
less than that ever again.

Good night, Iris.

Well... that was bleak.

Or a success. You got all
the evidence you need.

Are you going to send the
recording to the board?

Or, uh, if you want to
keep your hands clean,

- Gossip Girl?
- She's miserable.

And it isn't even her fault.
We'd just get her fired

for some replacement to come
in, do the same? Maybe worse?

I don't want that small victory.
I don't think you do either.

You don't have to
do that, sweetheart.

No. It's the least I can do

after the show my
dad just put on.

God, I mean, you
open your home to him

and he just does
nothing but judge you.

I... I'm so sorry.

Your dad is hurt.
I mean, it's one thing to lie

about leaving a party
that you're supposed

- to be at, but to lie...
- ...to spend time

with another family?

The type of family
that he wasn't able

to provide you?

And Garrett and I, we...

we really wanted to
make a good impression,

but your dad wasn't wrong.

We chose to present
ourselves in a way

that we thought would
make him more comfortable,

instead of being ourselves.

We pushed him away.

Don't do the same.

I, uh, I'm sorry about all that.

No, it's us who should be sorry.

And I never want you to hide
who you are for someone else.

Especially if those
people are us.

I know, there's just...
There's so much uncertainty

about what this is,
and maybe people,

or colleges, or who knows

who will be weird
about it, but...

But we said all for
all or none for none.

It's time we made good on that.

Do you want to tell
GG, or should I?

Well...

I knew you three
were experimenting,

but I...

I didn't expect a relationship.

How does it work?

Have you ever seen
Bertolucci's The Dreamers?

Oh, no, babe!

That does not help.

Maybe we should talk about
this on our way home.

Let's go.

Okay.

Something
I've been wanting

to do all night.

There.

Yeah, that's...

That's much better.

I'm sorry about the park.

Oh, I don't care
about that park.

I should never have
asked you to do this.

It's okay. It was one night.

No, no, it wasn't.
I've been asking you

to dim your light
for a long time.

And you...
...Gideon Wolfe,

are meant to shine
at full wattage.

I should never have asked for
it to be any other way. Hey!

I'm sorry.

Wait.

Control
is an illusion.

Although
it might feel like

we have the power
to effect change...

I'm really sorry that you had
to witness all that last night.

Stop apologizing. I don't think
you understand how important

that dinner was for
me to be a part of.

For you, they may be
messy, but for me,

I saw what I've always wanted.

What's that?

Openness.

Your friends just
lay everything out

on the table, no
matter how complicated.

My family...
we stay quiet.

We don't go anywhere
uncomfortable.

Your friends care so
much about each other.

About you. You can't
just... leave that behind

because it's messy.

Embrace the mess, Obie,
because you're messy too.

The truth
is, what we really need

is a guiding hand.

Looks like it's official.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Fine. I'll beat you next time.

A strong,
supportive hand to hold

as you march off into war.

What's going on?

Burton's been suspended
until further notice.

They launched an investigation
after the Gossip Girl post.

It's you.

You sent the post
to Gossip Girl.

Why? We decided against it.

Burton's a hydra,
you cut off one head

- and two more will appear.
- This isn't Greek mythology.

It's war. Every war
has collateral damage

and Burton has to be ours.

But
war is never pretty.

And it's time to pick a side...

Before any of you say
anything, I did not push Monet

in the fountain. What is it?

Oh, my God.

Did she really convince everyone

to follow her dress code?

What did I say?
Only whispers in this hall.

Anything above 30
decibels and you're out.

Is she serious?
We can't let her

- get away with this.
- I'd push her in the fountain.

- Or down the stairs.
- You unleashed a monster.

She's got
too much power now.

She won't
stop unless you stop her.

You need to do
something, Jules. It's time.

Because this
war has only just begun.