Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 21 - Gomer Pyle: USMC - full transcript

The Marines send Carter's and Hacker's platoons to maneuvers. Hacker tricks Gomer into giving the location of Carter's tents, so they have to move in the middle of the night. Carter accidentally raids a girl scout camp, due to faulty information from Pyle. Carter sends Pyle back to the base. Pyle is captured by Hacker, and then escapes. Pyle visits the girl scouts, Hacker's platoon raids. Carter platoon right behind them, capturing Hacker platoon. Hacker back at the base, pays the $50 lost the bet. A surprise twist at the end leaves Gomer smiling, and both Sargeants disappointed.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Now, we'll be stationed
right here in this area,

about 200 yards
behind the front lines.

Now, we'll be up close

because we're going to
be the scouting platoon.

I want you people to remember

that the enemy is
Headquarters Company,

a bunch of office clerks
and maintenance people,

so there shouldn't be
one chance in a million

of them beating us
like they did last year.

Now, also, I want
you to remember

that certain members
of this platoon

had better be on their
toes, and not goof things up.

Do you hear me, Pyle?

Oh, yes, sir, Sergeant.

I hear you clearly.

What did I say?

You said certain
members of this platoon

better be on their toes
and not goof things up.

I'm talking about you, Pyle!

Oh, you are?

That's right, so pay attention.

Now, we will assemble
in the morning at 0300,

march to the maneuver
area and set up our bivouac.

Now, I need not tell you that
anything that you've heard

in this barracks
is absolute secret!

Okay, Vince, what do you say?

You want to make it the
same as last year? 25 bucks?

Why? What are you going to do?

Have them file clerks tie
us up with typewriter ribbon?


I think you're scared, Vince,

'cause we got
brains on our side,

and brains will beat
muscle any day of the week.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll tell you what
I'm going to do, Hacker.

If you got the guts, I'll
make that bet an even $50.

What do you say to that?

It's a bet.

Okay. And, after I win,
I'm going to buy you a beer

just to show you
there's no hard feelings.


Just remember what I said, pal.

Brains over muscle anytime.

Well, I'll be seeing you, Vince,

right in the middle
of my gun sight.


(mocking laugh)


Well, here he is, Sarge.

Oh, thanks, Nelson.

That will be all for now.

You fellas can take a break.

Hiya, Pyle. Sergeant Hacker.

I just thought you
might be interested

in seeing some of the stuff

I'm making for
maneuvers tomorrow.

Golly! Sure smells good.

Yeah. Lamb stew
for tomorrow night.

Hee... Chicken
for the next night.

Sounds like an
awful lot of food.

Well, I got to feed
all you guys, don't I?

An army travels on
its stomach, you know.

That's right, I guess.

Yeah. Come on over here, Pyle.

Try one of those.

Well, thank you.

How is it?

Delicious. Absolutely delicious!

Well, well, well, well.

Well, I suppose
you got your boots

and long underwear
all packed, huh?

It'll probably be pretty damp

down in that low ground
where you'll be tomorrow.

Oh, we're not going
to be on low ground.

You're not?

I thought you guys
were going to be down

in that south sector
near the marsh.

Oh, no. We're not going
to be down there at all.

Oh, of course. That's right.

Sergeant Fine is
going to be down there.

(laughing): I got mixed up.

Try one of these, Pyle.

One of the crumb kind.

Well, I haven't even
finished this one yet.

Ah. Well, then, take your time.

Eat slow. Enjoy yourself.

As a matter of fact,

why don't you come over
here, sit down, and relax?

Well, thank you.

Well, you fellas will be up in
the hills tomorrow, then, huh?

Actually, Sergeant Hacker,

I'm not supposed to tell
you where we're going to be.

Sergeant Carter
says it's a secret.

And he's right.

He is absolutely right.

I mean, if you start giving
away things like that,

then what's the use of
having maneuvers, right?

Try one of these. One
of the chocolate ones.

I don't know
whether I can or not.

Chocolate is my favorite.

Oh, take it.

(laughing): I'll tell you this.

I don't envy you fellas

carrying all that
radio equipment

up into the hills tomorrow.

Hmm? What radio equipment?

Well, you're in
Communications, aren't you?

No. Scouting.


Wait a minute.

I just wanted to make sure

that nobody was listening.

We can't be too
careful, you know, Pyle.

That's right.

Maybe we ought to whisper.

So you're in Scouting, huh?

Well, that means you'll be
about 200 yards behind the lines.

How did you know that?

It's my job to know.

You see, my only
problem is, Pyle,

I gotta deliver your
food out there tomorrow,

and I don't want to
leave it out in the sun.

If there was only
some shade nearby...

There's some trees close by.

Oh, yeah? You mean that big
bunch of big oak trees, right?

No. I think they're sycamores.

Oh, you'll be near that
grove of sycamore trees.

Fine. Well, that's where
I'll leave the food, then...

Right under them sycamores.

How are the tents
coming, Slater?

Almost ready, Sarge.

Well, hurry it up, will you?

We were supposed
to be set up by 0400.

I ought to have my
scouting parties out by now.

Hey, Duke, when is Sergeant
Hacker going to get here?

I'm kind of getting hungry.

Hacker? What are
you talking about?

Well, ain't he supposed
to bring our breakfast?

Are you kidding?

We got our own
mess sergeant, Gomer.

Hacker's on the other team.


Gomer, Hacker's the enemy.

Oh, my goodness!

What's wrong?

Well, I got a feeling
there's a chance

Sergeant Hacker might
be showing up here anyway.

How could he? He
don't know where we are.

Yes, he does. I
think I told him.

You what?!

Well, we was talking yesterday

in the mess hall,

and he didn't exactly know
where to bring our food,

so I thought... No!

Sarge, I got
something to tell you!

Pick up the tents!
Pick up the tents!

Pick up the tents!

Pack up the whole
platoon, march four miles,

unpack the whole platoon.

We've lost over an hour, Pyle,

and we traded a good
position for a rotten position.

And it's all your fault,

because you couldn't
keep your big mouth shut!

I'm sorry as I can be, Sergeant.

Okay. One more goof,
and back you go to the base!

And you're out of the maneuvers!

I won't make any more mistakes.

Believe me, Sergeant, I'm
going to be as careful as I can be.

(shovel clangs, Carter screams)


Hey, Duke. Hey, Duke.

Over here.

What's up?


I wouldn't be a bit surprised

if that wasn't Sergeant
Hacker's platoon.


Well, he said they was going
to be having lamb stew tonight,

and I'm almost positive that's
lamb stew they got cooking.

Are you sure?

Well, you see, the sergeant uses

a little garlic and
some bay leaf.

Sometimes, I think he
uses too much bay leaf.

Good work, Gomer.

Boy, the sarge is really
going to be be happy with you.

You sure about this?
You actually saw the tents?

Yeah, Sarge.

Well, Gomer saw them first,
and then he showed them to me.

How do you know it's Hacker?
Gomer smelled their cooking.

PYLE: You see, Sergeant Hacker
said they was having lamb stew

the first night, and I
smelled lamb stew cooking.

And there's no mistake,
'cause Sergeant Hacker

uses garlic and
a little bay leaf.

Yeah, yeah.

Gomer's got a nose just
like a bird dog, Sarge.

Yeah, and a brain like one, too.

Get the squad leaders
together and bring them here.

We'll work out our plans
down to the last detail,

and surprise them at
the first crack of dawn.


They're still in their sacks.

What a surprise
they're going to get.

Now, I want this thing
to go off like clockwork.

You all know your assignments.

Slater goes in from the south,
Johnson from the northwest,

Smith from the east
behind them tress.

Let's check our watches.

I got 0601, coming
up on 30 seconds.


Now, as soon as you
get to your positions,

you give this signal:

(double-note whistle)

At 0608, I'll give this signal:

(triple-note whistle)

And then we go in.

And just remember one thing:
stay away from that big tent.

That's Hacker,
and he's all mine!

All right, all you
guys except Pyle

get to your
positions. Good luck.

Pyle, I'm keeping you with
me so I can keep an eye on you.

This is a 50-buck attack,

and I don't want
you fouling it up.

Yes, sir.

(double-note whistle)

(double-note whistle)

Right on the nose.

Four, three, two, one.

(triple-note whistle)

Let's go, Pyle!

CARTER: Boys, go get 'em!

Cover me, Pyle.

I'm going to get Hacker.

All right, get out of
that sack, you big ape!

We've got you surrounded!

I'm sorry, ma'am.

What? What are you doing here,

coming into my tent like that?!

What are you, a maniac?!

I'm sorry, ma'am. I
guess we made a mistake.

It's just that... well, your
tent... it looks just like...

Army surplus!

What is going on?!

Sarge, these are Girl Scouts!

This is a Girl Scout camp!

I'm terribly sorry, ma'am.

It's all a mistake,

and I know whose fault it was.

Pyle, you knucklehead!

(all yelling)

I'm sorry, ma'am.
I'm terribly sorry.

Pyle, I'm telling you...!

I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm sorry.

Garlic and a little
bay leaf, huh?

Garlic and a little bay leaf.

Pyle, do you know
what you've done to me?

Well, Sarge, all I can figure

is that lady must cook lamb stew

just like Sergeant Hacker does.

Maybe they got ahold
of the same recipe.

Pyle, I don't care
how she cooks.

What I'm saying is,

you completely fouled
up these maneuvers!

First, you let Hacker get
our location out of you,

and now you get me in a spot

that could make me the
laughingstock of the Marine Corps.

Well, Sergeant, I...

What do you suppose
he's going to do

if he finds out about this?

Well, I'd never tell him.

He'll give you a
couple of cookies

and you'll spill your guts!

Sergeant, I wish there
was something I could say

to make you feel better.

Pyle, you are an albatross!

An albatross?

Yeah. One of them big ugly birds

that follows people
around bringing doom!

That's what you been doing
to me for the last five years:

following me around dooming me!

If there's anything I
can do, Sergeant...

There is, Pyle.

You can get your stuff together,

get out of here, and
get back to the base!

You mean I'm out
of the maneuvers?

That's right, Pyle. You're out!

Now, beat it before you
pull some other stupid stunt

and completely lose
the exercise for us.

How will I get back?

You can fly, Pyle.

You're an albatross. Remember?

Miss Beasterfeldt, we're hungry!

Keep calm, girls.

I'm working on it.

Are you having trouble, ma'am?

Oh, you startled me.

You're not one of those men

who came into our camp
this morning, are you?

Yes, ma'am. I'm Gomer Pyle.

You probably heard
my name mentioned.

The sergeant repeated
it several times.

What seems to be the matter?

I'm having trouble with the car.

It stopped and it
just won't start again.

Well, let me have a look.

I used to work
in a filling station.

Oh, here's your trouble, ma'am.

One of the wires came
loose from the distributor there.

Let me put it back on.

It should work all right now.

Why don't you get in and try it.

There we go.

(engine starts)


Well, thank you very, very much.

You're very welcome, ma'am.

And I'm awful sorry about
what happened this morning.

It was all my fault.

Oh, no, no, it was partly mine.

An officer came
by later and said

we were camped in the wrong
place; it was a maneuver area.

So we're moving, just
over that hill over there.

Can we give you a lift?

Well, no, thank you, ma'am.
I'm going the other way.

I see.

Well, thanks again.

Oh, if you happen
to come by the camp,

do stop in for a cup of coffee.

Well, thank you, ma'am,

but I don't think
I'll be able to.

Well, good-bye.

KIDS: Bye!




All right, hold it right there
and put up your hands.

Well, Sergeant Hacker.

Well, well, well, if
it ain't Gomer Pyle.

I'm real happy to see you, Pyle.

Because you're
my first prisoner.


But I can't be no prisoner.

See, I'm on my
way... Never mind that.

Just start walking this way.

I'm taking you back to camp.

All right, keep
them up there, Pyle.

Gomer Pyle, PFC 2252594

Come on, Pyle, you
might as well talk.

We'll get it out of
you sooner or later.

Yeah, and we'll keep
you right here until we do.

Gomer Pyle, PFC 2252594.

And that's all I'm gonna say.

Furthermore, I'm still angry
with you, Sergeant Hacker.

Oh, yeah? Why is that, Pyle?

Well, because of the
mean trick you played on me

and I ain't gonna
let it happen again.

Fool me once, shame on you,
fool me twice, shame on me.

What are you
talking about, Pyle?

You were pretty tricky yourself.

I mean, we went over to where you
said you'd be and you weren't there.

I ought be sore at
you, don't you think?

Gomer Pyle, PFC 2252594.

And that's all I'm gonna say.

I don't care how many doughnuts
and cookies you give me.

I'm locking my lips and
throwing away the key.

Step outside a minute,
will you, Nelson?


you're not gonna be able
to get anything out of him.

Why don't you forget it?

Listen, I know this guy.

I know how his mind works.

If you can call it a mind.

And I got kind of an angle.

What is it?

I'll tell you
later, if it works.

Now you stay here, I want to
take a crack at him alone, okay?


Pyle, I want to
apologize to you.

I mean, that was
a pretty dirty trick

I played on you the other day,

and I'm sorry.

Will you forgive me?

I just want to tell
you why I did that.

I want to explain something
to you, man-to-man.

So you'll know and
understand, okay?

You know how long I
been in the marines, Pyle?

18 years, next month.

18 years in the kitchen.


Oh, sure, I'm a good
cook, as cooks go.

You are, Sergeant.

I mean, your bacon's
always nice and crisp

and I've never tasted
better lemon cupcakes.

Thanks, Pyle.

But how much
military satisfaction

can you get out of a cupcake?

I mean, when my kids
come to me and say,

“Dad, what did you
do in the service?"

What am I gonna tell 'em?

I made great cupcakes?

Well, Sergeant, I really think

you can take pride...

I'm sitting out on the porch
in that old rocking chair,

what am I gonna use for memories

to give me that nice, warm
feeling in my last years,

huh, Pyle, huh?

Well, I don't know.

It's something that would mean
that much to a guy like Carter

or most of the other sergeants,

but to me, it'd make
my whole life worthwhile.

Do you understand, Pyle?

Well, I think I do.

I mean, it's in your power

to make or break
a man's whole life.

I know it's a lot to ask,

but at this point, Pyle,

I don't mind telling you,

I'm just a little bit desperate.

Sergeant Hacker...

You're not crying, are you?

No, it's all right.

I'll be okay in a minute.

Okay, Pyle, what's your answer?

What do you mean?

Will you help me?

Will you tell me
where your platoon is?

Gomer Pyle, PFC
225... Okay, Pyle!

That's way you want it, huh?!

You play tough,
we'll play tough!


You sit right there, Pyle.

He wouldn't crack, huh? No.

Here's what I want you to do.

A couple of hours from
now just before it gets dark,

I want you to move him into
the tent right next to mine.

But before you put him in there,

I want you to slit the
back of the tent, huh?

About this much, you got it?

But he'll get out, Sarge.

Yeah, and as soon as he does,

you let me know
and we'll follow him.

I get it, I get it. He'll
head straight for Carter,

we'll be right behind him.

Oh, you're pretty smart, Sarge.

How do you think
I got these stripes,

baking lemon cupcakes?

Sarge, wake up.


Hey, Nelson... Pyle escaped?

No, no, just stay right
where you are, Sarge.

What happened?

You remember that hole we
put in the back of Pyle's tent?

Yeah. He sewed it up.

He what?!

He must've had a
sewing kit in his pack.

Why, that stupid knucklehead.

I know it's hard to believe.
I couldn't believe it myself.

How can you outsmart
a guy that has no brains?

Pyle, don't you
know the first duty

of a captured
marine is to escape?

Well, I suppose I do.

Well, I certainly hope

if you get another
chance to escape,

you'll take it, and get
right back to our outfit.

Well, I can't do that.

Why can't you?

Sergeant Carter won't let me.

See, he's kinda angry with
me about something I did.

And he was sending
me back to the base.

I'm not in the games anymore.

(stammering): He can't do that.

He can't?

Why, no.

Article 24, section three:

"A man cannot be sent
back from battle lines

for making a little mistake”"

Why, Carter actually
violated regulations.

If the referees
find out about this,

he could lose the
whole exercise.

Golly, I sure wouldn't
want that to happen.

Well, neither would I.

I mean, I want to win,
but not on a technicality.

I'll tell you what, Pyle,

here, why don't you
take all your equipment

and get right
back to your outfit

before anybody
finds out about it.

Now, if you hurry, you'll probably
be back in time for breakfast.

Well, all right.

But I'd just like to say one
thing, Sergeant Hacker,

you're a nice fella,
and I really appreciate it.

Oh, forget it, Pyle.

After all, what's fair is fair.




Round up the guys.

I just conned the boob
into taking us to Carter.

No! Yeah.

I'll go in close, you guys
come in from behind.

And we'll keep in touch
on the walkie-talkie.

Go. Right, Sarge.

He's about 50 yards ahead
of me, heading southwest.

Do you have me in sight?


Stick with him, Sarge.

For goodness sakes.

Hello down there!

I think this it, Nelson.
Get over here.

Come on, let's go.


Hey, there's Gomer going
down that hill over there.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

And there's somebody behind him.

It's Hacker... and
his whole platoon.

Come on, let's
go tell the Sarge.

Miss Beasterfeldt!

Miss Beasterfeldt,
it's me, Gomer.

Gomer, so you did come by.

Come in and have some coffee.

Don't mind if I do.

He just went into Carter's tent.

We're moving in, boys.

But lay off Carter, he's mine.

Okay, Carter,
come on out of there.

It's all over, and you owe
me 50 bucks, you big, dumb...

Oh, oh, oh, I...
I'm sorry, ma'am.

Now, listen.

I'm getting sick of
these sunrise raids.

These girls have a right
to their sleep, and so do I.

That officer told me it was
all right for us to be here.

Girls, start packing,
we're moving.

You'll hear from me.

I'm gonna write to
Washington about this.

But... but... but...

Pyle! What are you doing here?

What's going on?

Where are the other
guys? Where's Carter?

Here I am, Hacker,
right behind you.

We got you surrounded.

(Carter cackling)

Pretty, clever, Vince.

Pretty clever. Huh?

Having the dumbest
guy in the Marine Corps

eat my cookies, sew up my
tent and lead me into a trap.

Oh, pretty clever!

You know what we
call that, Hacker?

Strategy, just plain strategy.

(laughs) Right, Pyle?

You mean you really weren't
angry with me, Sergeant?

And when you sent me back,

you knew all the
time I was gonna

get captured and
refuse to escape,

and then lead Sergeant
Hacker and his men

down here to Miss
Beasterfeldt and the girls?

Golly, that is strategy!

Yeah... yeah, yeah.


Hiya, Vince.

Well, well, well.

If it ain't the
"Cupcake Commando."

Okay, let's have it.

One lost maneuvers, 50 bucks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.


Ten, 20, 30, 40, 50. Oh...

PYLE: Sergeant
Carter? What is it, Pyle?

You remember Miss
Beasterfeldt, don't you?

CARTER: Huh? Oh, yeah.

Hi there.

Sergeant Carter,
Sergeant Hacker.

How do you do, gentlemen?

I just ran into Miss
Beasterfeldt at the PX,

and, well, I was just wondering

if you'd collected the $50
you won on the maneuver.


Uh, why, Pyle?

Well, I had an idea,

and see if you don't like this.

Uh, since Miss
Beasterfeldt and the girls

kind of helped you win that bet,

well, I thought it might be nice

if you'd buy some of
their Girl Scout cookies.


Oh, uh, yeah.

How much are they?

Just 50 cents a box, Sergeant.

Oh, fine.

Why don't you and
me split a box, Charlie?

PYLE: Well, actually,

Sergeant, I kind of
promised Miss Beasterfeldt

you'd buy enough
for both platoons,

which would be about 100 boxes.

100 boxes?

This ought to
just about cover it.

Here you are, Pyle.

And there you are,
Miss Beasterfeldt.

thank you, Sergeant.

PYLE: Golly!

This is just like one
of them fairy tales.

It's got a nice happy ending!