Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 7 - Gomer Pyle: USMC - full transcript

While taking a tour of the White House Gomer gets separated from the tour group and wanders into the oval office.

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Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

I'm still cutting you off.

I got an idea.

Joey, why don't you and Lester

get down there in the
front on your knees,

and that way everybody
else can squeeze in real tight.

That's a lot better.

You know what'd be nice?

If all of you put your
arms around each other,

like marine buddies...
You know, gung ho.

Hey, that's it.

Now I got everybody.
Everybody ready?

Say cheese.

I got it!

Just a moment, Pyle,

that picture isn't
going to come out.

You forget the flash attachment.

Oh, it wouldn't
come out anyways,

I don't have any
film in the camera.

We went through
all that for nothing?

Well, I just bought this
brand-new six-dollar camera

and I was just trying it out
to get used to all the features.

You are certainly a
busy little bee, Pyle.

Checking out your
camera, buying guidebooks.

Do you think you'll
have much time

for sightseeing in Washington?

Well, I sure hope so.

However, that Navy Relief
Show is real important

and I imagine I'll be
rehearsing most of the time.

I never have sung in front
of that many people before.

As soon as we get to Washington,

I'll lose him.

How can you lose him?

Your assignment calls for
you to get him to Washington

and to stay with
him for three weeks

right up to that Navy show.

All right.

I'll take care of
him part of the time,

but there's somebody else

that needs taking
care of in Washington.

Who's that?

Rose Pilcheck.

Rose Pilcheck?

Who's that?


Does that answer your question?

Yeah, but you still
didn't tell me, who is she?

She was Miss Armored
Division of 1961,

and she was still growing.

I get the picture.

She's a waitress now.

She dropped out
of nursing school.

Well, how'd you get to meet her?

Well, when I was stationed

back there a few years ago,

she was going with this
sergeant in Chemical Warfare.

Then I came along,

I was like a
breath of fresh air.

Well, how are you gonna be
able to get away from Pyle?

After all, you're gonna
be rooming together.

Rooming together?

Boyle, I am an NCO.

He is a private.

That means separate quarters.

Once we get to town,

he'll be outta my way
and I'll be on my own.

See? And you didn't want to go.

You thought you'd be stuck
with Pyle for three weeks.

Well, that's the way I operate.

I turn every defeat
into a victory.

That's my horoscope.

I'm a Scorpio.

I always land on my feet,

or should I say, my claws.

'Scuse me, Sergeant.

Have you got a minute before
you close up your sea bag?

Sure, Pyle, what is it?

Well, I was just wondering

which guidebooks
you're taking along?


Well, if you take the
one for Washington,

then I'll take the
one for Virginia.

And that way, we
don't have to worry

about using up
good baggage space

for two of the same thing.

Yeah, well, you take
whichever one you like

and I'll borrow from you, okay?

Excuse me, Sergeant, the
jeep is here for the airport.

All right, Pyle, let's go.

I'll get your gear, Sarge.

Do you know where I think
we ought to go through first?

Mount Vernon. I've
seen all the pictures.

Hey, Gomer, I brought your bag.

Hey, thank you.

Well, so long, Sarge.

Have a ball.

Give my best to Rose Poopcheck.

Pilcheck! Pilcheck!

All right, you guys,
watch your feet.

Come on, let's go. GOMER: Bye!


Bye, bye, Pyle.

And don't forget to say
"Hey" to the president for us.


Ain't that something, Sergeant?

There is more marble
per square mile here

than any other city in
the world except Rome.

And twice as much as
Paris and Seattle together.

Yeah, fascinating.

Sergeant Vincent
Carter checking in.

I was told that
Marine Corps Billeting

requisitioned a room for me.

Oh, yes, Sergeant.

If you'll just sign
here, please.

My, my.

That will be Room 816.

Golly, Sergeant,

do you know how many
cross-tiles there are

in that underground
railway between the Senate

and the Congressional building?

There are 3,200 and... Yes, sir?

And what can I do for you?

Private First Class
Gomer Pyle, sir.

I wonder where
Sergeant Carter went?

Here you are, sir.

Here's your air-conditioning

control, your bathroom.

Over here's your closet.

And we hope you enjoy
your stay in Washington.

Nice. Very nice.

Here you are, son.

Oh, boy.

Hey, what's all that?

I already got all my gear.

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!


Ain't that something, Sergeant?

Looks like we're gonna be
sharing the same room. Huh?

That's what the clerk
downstairs said, room 816.


Actually, it's just as well.

That way we don't have
to run from room to room

when we make out our
sightseeing schedule.


Uh, this is Sergeant
Carter in room 816.

I think there's
been a little mistake.

You sent a Private First
Class Pyle to my room,

this is Sergeant Vincent Carter,

and the man you sent to my
room was Private First Class Pyle,

and I assumed... I understand.

Okay, Pyle, but I get the
bunk nearest the window.

I don't blame you, Sergeant,

seeing what a fine view
you got from over there.


If you look way
over to the left here,

you can just see the
dome of the Capitol!


Can you believe it, Sergeant?

That is the capitol of our
entire nation under that dome.

555 rooms to be exact.

I wonder what's going
on right this minute

in them 555 rooms.

I'll bet... Look, Pyle,
we can talk later.

After you take a
nice, long hot shower.

I mean, now that
we're gonna be roomies,

we gotta work out a
shower arrangement, right?

So why don't you
start scrubbing up first?

I will just as fast
as I can, Sergeant.

Take your time,
Pyle, take your time.


Uh, would you give
me National 83097.

Thanks for the cab ride, Pyle.

I'm sorry I can't go
along with you sightseeing

but you know how it is,

old friend of the
family and all that.

Maybe next time.

I sure hope so, Sergeant.

It'd be a shame if you
missed all them sights.

Yeah, well, I'll
tell you what, Pyle.

You can keep me posted, okay?

Whenever you see
something that really grabs you,

you can fill me in on it
just in case I don't make it.

How's that sound?
Fine, Sergeant.

I'll do that. That's
just what I'll do.

Right, Pyle.

You just go along and have fun.


Started in the year 1883,

the Washington Monument
was finally completed

after many delays
in the year 1885.

Uh, yes? A question?

'Scuse me, sir, but
if I ain't mistaken,

the building part was
actually completed

on December 6,
1884, ain't that right?

Uh, yes, that's quite right.

But although
completed in late 1884,

it was formally dedicated
in February of 1885,

but not opened to the public

until three years
later in the year 1888.

That's right.

That's exactly right.

Thank you.

Now, if I may continue.

The, um,

monument is
actually a giant obelisk

rising to the spectacular height

of 555 feet...

And five and one-eighth inches.

That is, if you wanna be exact.

If you want to be... yeah.

I gotta tell you, Rosie,

you ain't changed
a bit, not a bit.

Except for maybe
going back to brunette.

Yeah? Well, I found out

brunettes have as
much fun as anybody.

Yeah, don't we though, huh?

Uh-oh! The manager!

I better get back to work.

You want another beer
or something, honey?

Uh, no, I'll wait
till you get off duty.

Excuse me, are
you Sergeant Carter?

Yeah. Well, you're
wanted on the phone.

Uh, you can take it at the bar.

I wonder who that can be.

Sergeant Carter here.

Hey, Sergeant? It's me, Gomer.


It's just a good thing I
remembered the name

of the place I dropped you
off at so I could reach you.

I'm filling you in just
like you told me to.

Sergeant, it has been
thrilling, really thrilling.

Now look, Pyle...

Are you sure you
can't break away?

The tour's getting more
exciting by the minute.

One of our stops is going to
be the Department of Agriculture,

and they've promised
everybody seeds.

No, Pyle.

As much as I'd like
to, I gotta get off.

I got six people
breathing down my neck

waiting to get on the phone.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I didn't realize.

But no reason I
can't fill you in later,

since you ain't gonna
be able to get away.

Uh, right, Pyle.

You do that little thing.

♪ ♪

And here it is,
ladies and gentlemen,

Charles A. Lindberg's
famous Spirit of St. Louis.

This is the actual plane

in which Mr. Lindberg

made the first
transatlantic flight

on May 20, 1927.

Actually, it's a two-day flight.

He took off from
Roosevelt Field on May 20,

and landed 34 hours later,
right outside Paris, France.

I was just getting to that.

One man in that
little bitty plane,

and he flew over 3,000 miles
over the ocean all by himself.

And he didn't have no
comfortable reclining chairs

or no piping hot food
or anything like that.

Fact is,

he practically had to sit
on one of his gas tanks,

it was so crowded in
that little bitty cockpit.

But Lindy... that's what
everybody called him

later on in affection...

He had to be one
of the bravest men

that ever lived to try such
an amazing feat as that.

You know, I thought
about you a lot, Rose.

Every time they play
"The Beer Barrel Polka,"

I think of you.

Do you?

Uh, excuse me, Sergeant? Hmm?


You're wanted on
the phone again.

This better not be who
I think it's gonna be.


Hey, Sergeant,

I'm calling you back
later like you said.

I said that?

That's right, Sergeant.

And since the line wasn't busy,

I knew nobody was
waiting to use the phone,

and I could fill you in on
the Smithsonian Institution.

Now, look, Pyle...

Sergeant, you are
missing so much.

That's why I was thinking
that maybe you could bring

your old friend
of the family along

and meet me outside
the White House.

That's where I'm going
next, the White House.

Pyle, I can't. I'm all tied up.

Well, okay, Sergeant.

I just hope the president stops
and shakes hands with people

like he's always doing.

That way I can say "hey" to him

like all the fellas wanted
me to back at the base.

You want me to
say hey for you, too?

Yeah, Pyle, you do that.

Who was it?

A wrong number.

A wrong number since
the day he was born!

One of the most
famous of all the rooms

on the first floor
of the White House,

the Red Room is often used

for after dinner receptions.

And you'll notice
on the mantle shelf

the 17th Century
French musical clock

presented by
President Vincent Auriol

of France in 1952.

Now, if you'll just
step this way, please.

Excuse me, but ain't
you gonna tell 'em

about that chair over
there by the bookcase?

This one? Uh-huh.

I was talking to the
balloon salesman outside

when we was waiting in line,

and he was telling
me all about it.

It seems that way back in 1903,
Teddy Roosevelt's little nephew

stuck some chewing
gum up under it,

and none of the cleaning
people have ever noticed,

not even to this day.

Yes, well,

needless to say, you'll hear
many stories of that nature,

but I assure you,
they're only hearsay.

Now if you'll just
step this way please,

we'll move on to the
renowned East Room.

Now, for the East Room,

if you'll move right
this way, please.

"The East Room,
measuring 80 by 40 feet,

is used mostly for
public receptions."

Oh, my gosh.

Let's see.

The East Room.

Well, this must be it.

It's him.

Sir... I-I know I shouldn't

have walked in here like this...

For heaven's sakes,
how did you get in here?

Well, you see, ma'am,

I accidentally got
separated from my tour,

but by that time,
it was too late,

because I had my map
turned upside down,

and I didn't know where I was.

You see, what I thought
was the East Wing here

was actually the West Wing
upside down, so you see...



Guess I must have
interrupted her polishing.

The president's office!


I got to tell Sergeant Carter.

I got to tell him
right this minute.


Sergeant Carter?

Well, yes, he is.

It's for you, Vince.

Some guy.

Oh, for the love of... Hello?

Sergeant Carter,
guess where I am.

Guess where I am!


Pyle, how did you
get this number?

From the manager at the cafe.

I told him how important it was,

and so he told me
to try this number.


Are you ready? Are
you sitting down?

Now, look, Pyle...

I am standing
right in the middle

of the office of the President

of the United States!

The President of
the United States!

I can't get over it.

But it was so easy.

I just opened the
door, and there it was.

I would take some pictures,

but they took my
camera away from me.

Would you like me
to make a drawing?

Golly, I didn't do
nothing wrong, did I?

That's just what we
want to find out and fast.

Well, if you're worried about

how I got into the
president's office,

it was just an accident.

It's like I told
that cleaning lady

right after I interrupted
her polishing...

All right.

Now let's take it back

and start from the
beginning, shall we?

Like, who are you?

Well, first of all,
my name is Pyle.

Private First Class Gomer Pyle.

If you don't believe
me, you can call the fella

I was talking to on
the phone upstairs.

He's on orders with me,
and he knows all about me.

Hey... you know it's funny

how nothing changes
over the years.

You knucklehead!
You featherbrain!

I told you not to call me here!

I gave you orders.

Now I'm going to give you
another order... drop dead!

How was I supposed to
know it was the Secret Service?

Vince, what happened?
Where are they taking you?

I don't know! I swear,
honey, I don't know.

Now where did you go after
the Washington Monument?

The Smithsonian Institution.

That's right, I can
vouch for that, sir.

Have you ever been

to the Smithsonian
Institution, Mr. Parker?

Not lately.

Well, you owe it to
yourself to get over there.

Well, they've got the plane

that Charles A. Lindberg
flew over the Atlantic in.

Very interesting.

Now, roughly,
what time was that?

Well, I think May 20, 1927.

Why don't you listen
to the man, Pyle?

That ain't what he meant.

Here you are, Herb.

Just got positive identity.

Sergeant Carter and
PFC Pyle are both

on temporary assignment
to headquarters as indicated.

Fingerprints, dog tags
and photo ID all check out.

Immediate release approved.

Well, I guess it does it then.

You mean it's all
over now, we can go?

That's right.

Just watch the kind of
doors you open from now on.

Well, I'm sorry if we caused
you any inconvenience,

but you know, in
a situation like this,

we can't take any chances.

Oh, sure, sure, we
all got our jobs to do.

Actually, it was
no inconvenience.

It was real nice talking to you.

I don't think I ever met a
Secret Service man before.

Pyle, let's go.

Right, Sergeant.

And don't forget to go over

to the Smithsonian
Institution, you hear?

Ain't that always
the way, though?

You live in a city
for years and years,

you never do get to
see your own sights.

Pyle, will you come on?

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

You know what you got, Pyle?

Raw nerve.

Thinking anyone can just
walk in The White House

and say hello to the
president just like that.

You're right, Sergeant.

And then to drag me into it

out of a clear blue sky,
that really was too much!

I know, Sergeant,
and I'm... I'm sorry.

Pyle, when are you gonna learn?

When are you gonna learn?

You don't need a sergeant to
come to Washington with you,

you need a platoon,
a whole battalion

just to follow you around
every minute of the day

and see that you don't foul up,

because everything
you do do, Pyle,

every single thing that
you do always ends up in...

Pyle, watch out!

Are you all right?

Oh, I think so.

Just a little scared is all,

and maybe a few dirt
marks here and there.

It never touched me.

Well, you're sure now?

Oh, I'm fine, really I am.

Well, okay, if you say so.

He says he's all right, sir.


Hey, Mr. President!

I saw him, Sergeant!

I actually saw him!

And I said, "Hey,
Mr. President,"

just like the fellas
wanted me to!

Ain't that something, Sergeant?

I said "hey" to the president!

I thought we'd have
dinner here in the hotel

in the Embassy Room.

It's cozy, it's
intimate, it's dark,

and best of all,

there won't be any
phone calls to bug us.

Oh, it sounds swell, Vince.

Sergeant Carter!
Sergeant Carter!

Don't look back! Run!

Sergeant Carter, Sergeant
Carter, wait a minute!

Am I glad I found you!

Yeah, well, we were just
on our way to dinner, Pyle.

But, Sergeant, I have just had
the most frustrating experience.

I called the fellas back
at Camp Henderson

to tell 'em I said "hey"
to the president for 'em,

and they didn't believe me.

Yeah, that's
frustration, all right.

See ya, Pyle.

Wait a minute!

You saw the president?

Is that what you just said?

And you talked to him?

I was as close to
him as I am to you.

No kidding! Did
you hear that, Vince?

He talked to the president.

So, what did he
sound like anyway?

Come on in and
have dinner with us

and tell us all about it.

Well, I still can't
get over it myself.

It all happened on
account of a freak accident.

You see, I was standing there

in the driveway of
the White House...