Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 22 - Gomer Pyle: USMC - full transcript

(theme song playing)

♪ ♪

Hey, Gomer, a package
just came for you.

It's outside the rec hall.

A package for me?

Yeah, a real big one.

You don't say. How big?

It's about this
high and this wide.

Well, if it's that big,

it couldn't be just
a friendship gift.

I wonder what in
the world it could be.

Why don't we go
over and open it up,

and then we'll know?
Yeah, come on.

PYLE: Is it really that big?

There it is!

Gosh, it is big, ain't it?

You want to use
my knife to open it?

What are you doing, Pyle?

I was just checking to see
if I could hear any breathing.

"Breathing"?

Uh-huh, last time I heard

from Grandma Pyle,

she said she might send
me one of Gertrude's pigs.

Gertrude had a litter of seven

and she thought I might
like to have one here with me.

That don't look like a pig
package to me, Gomer.

It's such a neat carton.

Well, Grandma
would've wrapped it nice.

Outside of the fact

that there are no
airholes in this carton,

I think I can safely say
there's no pig in here.

This happens to be from
Belmont's Department store,

and the last I heard, they
don't have a pig department.

Belmont's Department store?

Now, what in the world
could they have sent me?

I've never even
been in that place.

Gomer, will you open this thing?

Here. All right.

Be careful there. Tipping it.

Don't break it.

Rip it.

I'll get it.

Well, for goodness sakes!

It's a baby buggy!

Well, that's what
it is, all right.

How come you got this?

Well, I don't know.

It's a mistake.

Well, it has your name on it.

"G. Pyle, Marine Barracks."

Plain as day.

Well, I tell you,
it's a mistake.

That's the only
answer there could be.

Hello?

Uh, this is Private
First Class Gomer Pyle,

United States Marine Corps.

And I'm stationed out
here at Camp Henderson,

and your store sent me

this baby buggy
by mistake and...

Oh. Well, all right.

She's connecting me
to customer service.

Hello?

This is Private First
Class Gomer Pyle,

the United States Marine Corps.

And I'm stationed out
here at Camp Henderson,

and your store sent me
a baby buggy by mistake.

And I'd like somebody
to stop by and...

Oh, yes, ma'am, I'll hang on.

She's switching me to
the shipping department.

Hello? Uh, this is

Private First Class Gomer
Pyle, the United States

Marine Corps.

And I'm stationed out
here at Camp Henderson.

And your store sent me a
baby buggy by mistake and...

Oh, well, okay.

He says I want the
infant's department.

Oh, brother, you
should've made a recording.

GOMER: Hello?

This is Private First
Class Gomer Pyle,

the United States Marine Corps.

And I'm stationed out
here at Camp Henderson,

and your store sent me a
baby buggy by mistake, and...

Adjustment department?

Joey, what'd you do that for?

'Cause you're not wasting any
more time with those characters.

They'll keep you on
the phone all day long,

switching you from one
department to another.

If I were you, I'd just forget
the whole thing. I agree,

Pyle, you did your best.

I guess the only
thing for me to do

is to take it back
down there to them.

Take it back to them?

Are you serious?

Well, yeah, don't you see?

Somewhere there's
a mother with a baby

waiting on this baby carriage.

And I'm going to
see that she gets it.

Pyle!

Pyle!

What have you got there, Pyle?

It's just a baby carriage.

Well, I know that.

I mean, what are
you doing with it?

Well, actually I was
taking it back to town.

Pyle, is there something
you haven't told me?

Something I ought to know?

You can level with me,
that's what sergeants are for.

Golly, Sergeant, there
ain't nothing to tell.

Belmont's Department Store
sent me this baby carriage

by mistake and I
was just taking it back.

It's not yours?

Shoot, no.

What would I be doing
with a baby carriage?

It's just a mix-up.

One of them strange things
that happen now and then.

Yeah, one of them strange things

that can only happen to you.

Look, why don't
you call the store

and tell them to pick it up?

Well, I did call
them up, Sergeant.

But they kept switching me

from one department to another.

I never did get no satisfaction.

Okay, then just leave
it here and forget it.

Forget it?

That's right.

You gave them their
chance and they blew it.

Let them worry about it.

But, Sergeant...

Pyle, just leave this
carriage here and walk away.

But, Sarge... Walk away, Pyle.

Yes, sir.

And don't look back,
Pyle, don't look back.

Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four and halt!

Right face!

Dismissed!

Using it for a woodshed.

They ought to be ashamed.

Well, that does it.

That just does it.

Excuse me, ma'am,

could I talk to you
for just a minute?

Just a moment, I'll be
with you in a second.

Here is your credit slip, madam.

Now, if you'll just
take it to Adjustment

on the fifth floor, they'll
give you your refund.

Yes, now, what can I do for you?

Well, I'm Private First
Class Gomer Pyle,

United States Marine Corps.

And I'm stationed out
here at Camp Henderson.

And your store sent
me this baby buggy

by mistake... Oh, no,
not another return?

Well, yes, ma'am.

I guess so.

I did want to return it.

Well, what's the matter?

Doesn't it work?

Oh, no, ma'am, it works fine.

Well, what is it?

You changed you mind?

You'd like something else, huh?

Oh, no, ma'am, I don't
want anything else.

You want credit?

No, ma'am, I don't
want credit neither.

You just want your money back?

No, ma'am, you
see, it's like this.

I don't want to exchange it,

and I don't want credit, and
I don't want my money back.

I just want to
return it. Uh-huh.

Is something the matter, ma'am?

Do you have a
headache? No, I'm all right.

I just shouldn't have
come to work today.

Oh. It's just one of those days.

Nothing is going right.

And the silly part
is it was right there

in black and white in
the paper this morning.

I just didn't have sense
enough to believe it.

I don't understand, ma'am.

I'm Sagittarius.

Work and commerce
are poison to me today.

Poison.

If you'll just wait a moment,

I'll get the assistant manager.

The marine with the buggy.

I'll handle it.

Could I help you, sir?

I'm Mr. Kendall, the
Assistant Manager.

Uh, yes, sir.

I'm Private First
Class Gomer Pyle,

United States Marine
Corps, and... Yes, yes, yes.

Miss Becket tells
me you'd like to return

this carriage to us.

No refund or
exchange or anything.

You just want to return it.

Well, that's right. Yes.

This carriage has
been used. What?

Well, look at how
dusty the wheels are.

Oh, it's been used.

Well, I had to wheel
it a bit to get it here.

And what's this splotch
on the side? Mud?

Oh, that must've
happened out in front.

There was this mud puddle
and a truck passed by.

But it's just a speck.

Yes.

Well, we can't accept
merchandise in this condition.

I mean put yourself
in our place.

A baby has to sleep in here.

You do understand,
don't you, sir?

Oh, sure, but don't you see?

I never bought this buggy.

I don't care who... I
don't care who bought it.

We can't accept
filthy merchandise.

Put yourself in our place.

Well, what am I
going to do with it?

I don't know, you might
take it to a thrift shop.

But even there, you'll
have to clean it up.

I don't see why they should
accept filthy merchandise.

I'm not going to
take it anywhere.

It don't belong to
me, don't you see?

Look, um... I've got an idea.

Now, this is strictly
off the record,

but this carriage
was delivered to you

at your address? Yes.

Then why not just keep it?

I mean, a store of this size,

they'll never miss it.

Never in a million years.

You mean steal it?

I never said that.

I never used that word.

Well, it's the same thing.

If it don't belong to me...
Sir, I didn't say anything...

Sir, please keep your
voice... All I'm trying to do is...

Anything wrong
here? Any trouble?

Oh, no. No, Mr. Johnson.

I was just trying to
help this customer.

This is Mr. Johnson,
our department head.

(nervous chuckle)

Quite a confused situation.

He's trying to return
this filthy carriage.

It's been used, but he
insists we take it back.

Oh, I see.

And he says I ought to steal it.

Why that's not true.

I never said that at all.

But that's what it amounts to.

I didn't buy it, it
don't belong to me.

And but you said I ought
to keep it, ain't that stealing?

He said a store of this
size never would miss it.

Is that true, Mr. Kendall?
Is that what you told him?

Why, no, not in so many words.

You think you're
going to get ahead

in the department
that way, Mr. Kendall?

No, now, really, I...

I want to speak
to you privately.

Step over here for a moment.

What am I going to do

about this baby carriage?

Adjustments, take
the elevator to five.

Oh, Mr. Johnson,
you're not going

to believe that
ridiculous story.

Boy or girl?

What, ma'am?

Is the baby a boy or a girl?

Oh, I don't have a baby.

Oh, just expecting, eh?

Well, you have a
lot to look forward to.

Oh, I should say so.

Just remember, don't
be afraid to handle it.

They're not that delicate.

You ought to take one of those

Red Cross courses
for expectant fathers.

They're very helpful.

Now, wait a minute, ma'am.

You see... Oh, he's embarrassed.

Isn't that cute?

Having a baby,
there's nothing to be

embarrassed about.

It's a perfectly natural thing.

I'm not embarrassed about that.

You don't understand.

I'm not even married.

WOMAN: I'm sorry, sir.

We can give you your
money back or a credit slip,

but you just
cannot leave it here.

Look, all I want to do is to
see that this baby carriage here

gets to the person
that ordered it.

Well, we're just not set up

for that sort of thing
here at Adjustment.

Why don't you put an ad
in the paper or something?

Well, I guess I might have to.

I'm sure not getting
any satisfaction here.

Well, I'm sorry.

Now, would you
mind stepping aside,

so I can take care
of the other people?

If I don't meet my
quota of refunds,

my boss is going to
start asking questions.

(indistinct chattering)

(elevator dings)

Uh, one moment there, sir.

Are you speaking to me?

Yeah, would you step
over to the side here?

Where are you going
with this baby carriage?

Well, I was taking it
back to the barracks.

I see. Could I see
your sales slip, please?

Sales slip? I don't have one.

Oh? Well then, you
better come with me?

And quietly, please.

No disturbance, eh?

All right, all right,
coming through!

I got a shoplifter here.

Coming through! Make room...

Now, I want you to understand,

it's not our policy
to accuse people.

We figure, a shoplifter is
innocent until proven guilty.

Shoplifter?

I'm not a shoplifter.

MAN: Well, you were leaving

the store with the baby carriage

and no sales slip, so
what goes, Mr. Pyle?

I told you, I got that
buggy by mistake,

and I was trying to return it.

(muffled scoff)
MAN: Why didn't you

telephone us and
have us pick it up?

PYLE: I tried that,

and they kept switching me

from one department to another.

Nobody wanted to talk to me.

Oh, come now.

Belmont's is well known

for its extreme courtesy
to its customers.

That's what I mean.

You-Your story
just doesn't jell.

I'm telling you the truth!

I'm telling you exactly
what happened.

Oh, I-I have to leave
for a few minutes.

I have a meeting.

You know how to handle
this, Leonard, right?

You bet, Mr. Wellman.

Go right ahead.

Leonard will explain how
we dispose of these matters.

You know, Pyle,

the only thing I can't figure
is, why a baby carriage?

You say you're not married,
you don't have any kids.

I told you, I got that
buggy by mistake.

Yeah.

You ever have a
psychiatric, Pyle?

A what?

I mean, you ever
talked to a shrink?

They do terrific
things nowadays.

I mean, you might find out
you really want to get married.

You want to have
kids. Now, look, mister...

Were you planning
on stealing a doll next?

Make believe that was the kid?

Will you please quit
using that word "steal"?

Yeah.

We had another
weird one a while back.

The guy took tropical fish.

Tropical fish?

Mm-hmm. Used a giant baggy.

Got all the good ones, too.

Angelfish and Neons.

Didn't get a drop
of water on the floor.

He knew what he
was doing, all right,

but he was a sick boy.

A very sick boy.

Mr. Leonard,
you're talking to me

like I was a thief, and I ain't,

so I'm not gonna stand here
and listen to any more of it.

Now, come here.
Take it easy, Pyle.

Just don't get excited.

Sit right down there.

Look, all you got to
do is sign this paper

saying you took the carriage,
and we won't even prosecute.

That is, if you never come
back in the store again.

What?!

Why, I never!

I won't sign any such thing!

Why don't you call Sergeant
Carter out at the base,

and he'll tell you
exactly what happened.

What do you want to drag
your sergeant into it for?

All you got to do
is sign this paper

and then go out
and get some help.

You need help! I ain't
gonna sign anything.

Listen, you can get help
most any place nowadays.

They got these clinics

where you can just
walk in off the street.

No!

Okay. Okay.

I'll call your sergeant.

You wait right here.

(lock clicking)

In case you get any
ideas about wandering off.

You're sick, Pyle,
and stubborn, too!

Hello?

Uh, this is Private
First Class Gomer Pyle,

United States Marine Corps,

and I'm stationed out at
Camp Henderson, and...

No, I'm not out at
Camp Henderson now.

That's what I'm calling about.

You see, I'm right
here in your store,

and I'm upstairs locked
up in one of your offices,

and that's the
reason I was calling,

to see if somebody
could... What?

You're going to switch
me to Maintenance?

Oh, never mind.

(sighs)

Oh, sir? Sir!

I'm mad at you!

Sergeant Carter?

(rapping at glass) Pyle!

Boy, am I glad to see
you. What's going on?

They called and told me
they were holding you.

What did you do?

Nothing. I tried to
return that baby carriage,

and now they think I
was trying to steal it.

Huh? I could have told you.

You try to do something good,

and you get kicked
right in the teeth!

Well, I was just trying
to do the right thing.

Yeah. And look what happened.

Well, come on out of there.

This whole thing is ridiculous.

Well, I can't.

That officer told
me to stay here,

and besides, I think
he locked the door.

Huh?

Boy, have they got their nerve!

Well, climb over.

I'll give you a
hand on this side.

But, Sergeant... Climb up!

Climb up! They got no
right to keep you here.

Now come on!

Come on, let's get out of here.

But, Sergeant, what
about the buggy?

The buggy?

Yeah. The rightful owner
is probably still waiting for it,

and the store don't care, so
I thought I might run an ad.

I don't believe it.

After what's happened,
you still haven't learned?

You're still playing Boy Scout?

Well, I don't feel right
about leaving it here.

Pyle, did it ever creep
into that thick head of yours,

if the people don't
get the carriage,

all they got to do
is call up the store

and ask 'em to send
out another one?

I don't know, Sergeant.

As much trouble as I've had,
they'll probably never get it.

Pyle, I don't have time
to stand around here

and continue this
stupid argument.

If you don't get the
message by now,

you'll never get it.

So you can do what you
want, I'm getting out of here.

But...

(bell dinging, crowd chatter)

Hey!

Pardon me, lady. Hey!

Hey, Sergeant, wait a minute.

Oh, brother!

Hey, you guys, stop!

Oh, my goodness!

It's Mr. Leonard,
the store detective.

Come on, Pyle! Run!

Stop! Stop!

Hey, you guys... stop!

I really don't understand
this, Sergeant Carter.

Leonard called you to come
out to talk to us about Pyle,

and then he catches
the two of you

running down the street
with the baby carriage.

Yeah, well, the whole
thing is ridiculous!

In the first place, the carriage
don't even belong to Pyle.

Yes, we assumed that.

Yeah, you don't
have to tell us that.

I was just trying to return it!

But, Mr. Pyle, you were
going in the wrong direction.

You were going out, not in.

Now, listen, will you?

And I suppose you were trying

to help him return
it, huh, Carter?

When you were
running down the street?

No, I wasn't trying
to help him return it.

You know, Mr. Wellman,

these fellas might be
part of a Marine gang.

Have you thought of that?

A Marine gang?!

Listen, you stupid flatfoot,

I ought to punch
you right in the nose!

Don't do that, Leonard.

In fact, why don't you
just go back on duty?

I think I can handle this alone.

Yeah? You sure, Mr. Wellman?

Yes, positive.

Well, okay.

But I won't be far away.

Nobody's gonna punch
me in the nose, believe me!

That'll be the day when
somebody punches me in the nose.

Don't worry about it.

Well, now, gentlemen,

let's see if we can't
straighten this out.

Sure, I'm gonna
straighten it out.

I'm gonna sue this
store for false arrest!

That's what I'm gonna do!

But nobody's been
arrested, Sergeant Carter.

We're only trying to
find out what happened.

(knocking)

WELLMAN: Come in.

Mr. Wellman?

Oh, yes, Miss Becket, come in.

Hello.

Um, Mr. Wellman,
I feel just terrible.

Why? What's wrong?

Well, I checked on that
baby buggy, like you asked,

and I found the order form,

and I feel just
terrible, Mr. Wellman.

Uh, but it was my mistake.

CARTER: Aha!

See? See?

It was supposed to
go to a Mrs. G. Peale

on Marine Avenue,

and, well, I must
have been in a hurry,

and, uh, I probably scribbled,

and the delivery
department typed it up wrong.

A Marine gang, huh?!

Oh. I see.

Well, thank you, Miss Becket.

That'll be all.

Oh, wait. Would you leave
that order form with me?

I'll take care of this
matter personally.

Of course, Mr. Wellman.

I'm so sorry!

Well, I guess I owe
you boys an apology.

Oh, that's all right.
Now, wait a minute, Pyle.

It's not all right.

I'm still not sure whether

I'm going to sue
you guys or not!

Please, Sergeant.

Believe me, I feel
terrible about this.

Look, why don't you
select a nice gift for yourself

anywhere in the store?

Well... WELLMAN: Please.

I'll feel much better
if you take something.

Wait. Here, how about
this little portable TV?

Just came in this week.

I was trying it out.

It's a great little gadget.

Aw.

Boy, that's real cute, Sergeant.

It'd look real nice
in the duty hut.

Come on, Sergeant.

Well, okay.

Good.

Just like that?

Oh, wait.

If you're worried about
getting out of the store

without a sales slip,

I'll write you a
personal note, okay?

Now you can watch the fights

without going over to Bunny's.

Yeah.

Now, here, you see?

The controls are all right
down the side right here, see?

Oh, yeah. That's great.

Well, come on, Pyle.

Let's get out of here.

Pick up the note, will you?

Good-bye, boys. And thank you.

You know, I never have
been in this store before,

but I'll probably do a lot of
shopping from here on in.

Let's go, Pyle.

Good-bye.

You see, Sergeant?

Everything turned
out all right after all.

Yeah, if you call a
big mess all right.

Wait a second.

You want to have some fun?

How you mean? Look.

Let's shake the baboon
up a little, huh? Come on.

Well, what are you
going to do, Sergeant?

Never mind. Just follow me.

(coughing)

Hey, you guys!

Where you going with that?!

(laughing): Is there
something I can do for you?

All right. All right. Where's
the sales slip on this TV?

You hear that, Pyle?

He wants to know
where the sales slip is.

What's the matter, Dick
Tracy, don't you trust us?

The slip, the slip!

Okay, Pyle, show him the note.

How do you like them
apples, wise guy?

This is not a
sales slip on a TV.

This is an order form
for a baby carriage.

Okay, you guys,
you're coming with me.

And nice and quiet, huh?

No disturbance.

Pyle, you picked
up the wrong paper!

All right, coming through.

Coming through!

We have a couple
of shoplifters here.

Just remember, Pyle,

this TV set don't make
up for what happened.

We were pushed
around pretty good,

and it just proves my point.

People don't appreciate it
when you try to be a nice guy.

Oh, I think they do, Sergeant.

"Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you."

I think more people should
follow the golden rule.

Yeah?

You saw how they did unto you

in that store, didn't you?

Excuse me, Sergeant, but
this lady is here to see Pyle.

Oh?

This is Private Pyle, ma'am.

Oh, thank you.

Private, I'm Mrs. Peale.

The baby buggy!

Yes. I just had to come

and thank you in
person for what you did.

You know, when
it wasn't delivered,

I could have
ordered another one,

but my heart was set
on this particular one,

and this was the
only one they had left.

So thank you very
much for returning it.

Golly, ma'am, I'm just
happy everything worked out.

Well, it isn't often these
days that people take

the time and trouble to
do something nice like this,

and I did want you to know

how very, very much
I did appreciate it.

Thank you. That's all.

I just had to tell you.

A real pleasure meeting you.

Well, mine, too, ma'am.

Bye.

Good-bye, and happy wheeling.

Well, wasn't that
nice, Sergeant?

She came all the way
out here to thank us.

And did you hear what she said?

She appreciated it.

You see, Sergeant?
She appreciated it.

Pyle, why don't you
go do something?

Like unto others.