Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 13 - Gomer Pyle: USMC - full transcript

Friendly Freddy who sells fake goods accidentally sells Gomer a real ring and tries to break-up the relationship between Lou-Ann and Gomer to get the ring back.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Ah, thank you, madam.

Good afternoon, sir.

May I help you? You sure can.

I had in mind getting a present
for this young lady I know.

Tomorrow will be a whole
full year since we met,

and I thought it might be nice
to sort of remember the date.

Just what did you have in mind?

Well, I thought a
friendship ring might be nice.

And maybe we could
inscribe some initials on it.

"G.P. to L.A.P."

That's Lou Ann
Poovie, that's her name.

And in case you're interested,

the "G.P." stands
for Gomer Pyle.

That's me.


Well, if you'll step
over this way, sir.

Have a seat.

I think we can help you.


suppose we start
off with one of these.

Ooh... that's the prettiest
thing I ever did see.

Golly, I don't know how
I'm ever gonna be able

to choose the right one.

Then might I suggest...

this has a classic simplicity

and it's suitable
for all occasions.

Oh, shazam.

If that don't take a
feller's breath away.

Well, how much is it?

Only 550... plus tax, of course.

550... Well, I don't know.

Of course it's only a token.

But I wouldn't want Lou
Ann to think I was cheap.

Do you have anything
a little more expensive?

Yes, certainly.

Now, let me see... Oh.

How about this one?

It's an exquisite
import from Italy.

And it's only 750.


I'll take it.



You're paying cash, sir?

Yes, sir, I always do.

Here you go.

But it's ten dollars.

That's right, 750 plus tax.

That should cover
it, shouldn't it?

"750" means $750.


The only thing we have here
for $7.50 is one of our calendars.

Well, $750 is...

just a little bit more
than I wanted to spend.

If it wouldn't hurt
your feelings, sir,

would you mind if I looked
around somewhere's else?

Oh, not at all, sir.

Well, that's very kind of you.

I know how terrible you
must feel losing a customer.

Oh, don't mention it.

Well, good-bye.

And if I ever need a
calendar, I'll come back.

And I'll be sure to ask for you.


Hey, you, Marine.

You speaking to me? Yeah.

Don't tell me, I'm telling you.

You didn't find what
you want in there, right?

Golly, how'd you know?

Simple, everything
in there is overpriced.

So, I want you to
listen to something.

Know what that is?

You're knocking on the hood.

Wrong, that's not me
knocking, that's opportunity.

I think I know you. Huh?

Of course, you're
Friendly Freddy.

I remember.

I'm Gomer Pyle. Do
you remember me?

We've done business before.

We have?

Nice talking to you,
fella. See you around.

Don't you remember?
You sold me a wristwatch.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm
only the middleman.

You better take your complaint
to the manufacturer, Lyle.

It's Pyle, and I'm
not complaining.

It was a pretty good
watch while it lasted.

And besides, it
wasn't a total loss.

It wasn't?

No, I'm still using the written
guarantee as a bookmark.

Good thinking, Homer.

It's Gomer.

Yeah, Gomer.

Tell me, Gomer, what were
you doing in Fairchild's?

Oh, well, I was looking
to buy a friendship ring

for my girl, Lou Ann Poovie.

Did you say "friendship ring"?

Yeah, why?

Is that a coincidence?
That's how I got my name.

Friendly Freddy,

the friendship ring specialist.

Come over here, I want
to show you something.

Just step into my showroom, huh?

Look at this.

Anything your
little heart desires...

Radios, clocks,
perfumes... Here...

here's an imported perfume.

The whole quart
for only four dollars.

Well, I was only interested
in friendship rings.

That's right, friendship rings.

Friendship rings... Here we are.

Genuine pearl in a
white gold handmade set.

And notice, I didn't
say "cultured,"

I said "genuine" pearl.

Golly, that must
really be expensive.

In there it's expensive.

You know why?

Plush carpets, fancy
fixtures, astronomical rent...

That all adds up.

Now you take me,
on the other hand,

I just put a dime in the
meter and I'm set for the day.

Which is why I can
let you have this ring

at a considerable reduction.

Well, I don't care
what the reduction is,

I'm still sure I
can't afford it.

Believe me, Pyle,
you can afford it.

Why guess how
little it'll cost you.

Just guess.

I'm afraid to guess,

'cause if it's more
than $12... Good guess.

You mean I can get

a real genuine
pearl ring for $12?

Okay, okay, don't
take my word for it.

Take it into that fancy
store, let them tell you.

I'll wait right here.
I mean if there's

any question about my honesty...

Oh, it's not that,
Mr. Freddy, believe me.

It's just that I know
nobody can make a living

selling a genuine
real pearl ring for $12.

Believe me, Pyle, I can
make a living doing it.

And just to show you my
heart's in the right place,

I'll take this used
floor sample back

and let you have this
brand-new identical ring

at no increase in price.


Well, I don't know how

I'll ever be able to
thank you, Mr. Freddy.

Oh, you, uh...
you just did, Pyle.

Uh, P-Pyle... if
you still want that

perfume for your
girl for Christmas,

I'll hold it for you.

It'll keep.

It'll keep.

You shouldn't have.

You absolutely shouldn't have.

It's the first time in my life

I've ever gotten a friendship
ring, the very first time.

And it's beautiful,
Gomer, just beautiful.

And it fits perfectly.

Actually, pearls
are my very favorite.

And now to think I have
a pearl ring all my own.

I never dreamed I'd
get anything like this.

Wait till I tell the
girls in the store.

They'll die, they'll
just simply die.

Oh, Gomer!

Words fail me.

Do you like it, Lou Ann?

Oh, I do.

I just hope you didn't
spend too much money for it.

Oh, don't worry about that.
I got a real good buy on it.

And it's a genuine pearl.


Yes, ma'am, a
real genuine pearl.

And it's brand-new, not one
of those used floor samples.

Oh, Gomer!

I just don't know
how to thank you.

Golly, Lou Ann.

Your friendship's all the
thanks that I'll ever need.

Well, Gomer, this ring will
forever cement our friendship.

And I promise you, nothing
will ever make me take it off.

Just nothing.

I tell you, Harry,
it's a bull market...

Watches, transistor radios...

selling like hotcakes.

Which reminds me, you
better order another dozen

of them pearl rings.

12 more pearl rings, huh?

Oh, I forget which
model you had.

Let me see the sample, huh?

Maybe you better
make it two dozen.

I'm considering
running a fire sale.

Wait a minute, Freddy.

This ain't the sample.

What are you talking about?

The sample, stupid,

the real thing we
use as a come-on.

This ain't it.

It's one of them
two-buck phonies

you palm off on the suckers.

You got to be kidding, Harry.

Freddy, baby, when
it comes to money,

I don't kid nobody.

You must've sold the wrong ring.

But-But that's impossible.

I-I-I-I couldn't make
a mistake like that.

Sweetheart, take my word for it.

You made a mistake like that.

The only question
is "Who'd I sell it to?"

Now wait a minute.

When we met yesterday,
you had the real McCoy.

How many of these rings
have you sold since then?

Just one.

To Pyle.

Well, then, whoever
this Pyle character is,

he's got the legit piece.

Oh, Freddy, baby, you
made an expensive mistake.

For a few measly bucks,
you sold a $500 ring

that don't even belong to you.

No sweat, Freddy.

You meet me here
Thursday with the 500,

the boss will call
everything even.

But, Harry, I haven't got 500.

I don't know where I can get it.

Well, in that case, we
go to alternate plan B.

The boss comes up
with a small loan...

to pay for a very cheap funeral.

Pyle! Hey, Pyle!

Well, hey, Mr. Freddy, what
brings you way out here?

Pyle, there's no place
in this whole wide world

too far for me when there's a
mission of mercy to perform.

Mission of mercy? Yeah.

Will you quit marching and
stand still so I can explain?

Sorry, Mr. Freddy, I'm on duty.

And if I stop, I'd get
in real big trouble.

Oh, in that case,
don't quit marching,

I'll just move along with you.

Uh, Pyle, something's happened.

It's about that ring I
sold to your girl, Sue Ann.

Lou Ann. Yeah.

Well, I, only an hour ago,

learned that it ain't
what I told you it was.

I'm grieved to say
that ring is worthless.

It is? Yeah.

I'm afraid so.

What should've been
at least a $500 pearl

turns out to be worth
maybe two bucks at the most.

Well, how could that be?

I just learned from my importer

there's been an epidemic
in the South Seas

and it's affecting
all the oysters.

It is? Yeah.

They think it's the bomb,
but they're not sure.

Anyway, it's a kind of
deep sea kidney trouble.

Instead of producing
the genuine article,

all they come up with
is pearl-colored stones.

Well, that's a shame.

Those poor oysters,
all that work for nothing.

Oh, don't worry about them,
Pyle, they're fast healers.

I'm worried about you.

You are a victim of... of an
unfortunate mistake of nature

and I ain't gonna
let that happen.

Oh, foot, Mr. Freddy.

I don't feel like a
victim of nothing.

That ring's still the prettiest
thing I ever did see, honest.

It ain't prettier than this one.

And I insist you take it and
give me the other one back.

This is a pre-epidemic
pearl from a healthy kidney.

I wouldn't think of it.

You know what Lou Ann said?

She said nothing'd ever make
her take that off her finger.

Pyle, please, if I
don't get the ring back,

I won't be able to
live... uh... with myself.

Mr. Freddy, friendship rings
ain't like other kinds of rings.

Once you put it on your finger,
why, if you was to take it off,

it might bring bad luck.

Pyle, please, why don't
we meet later, huh?

Like when you're off duty?

I mean, carrying that
heavy rifle in all this hot sun.

You just don't know
what you're saying.

Why, we can meet
anyplace you like.

There ain't a soul on this earth

that could ever force
me to give that ring back.

I take that back.

There is one person.

But I don't see why
he'd ever ask me.

Who? Who? Who? Who is it?

My sergeant, Sergeant Carter.

You mean you'd do it if
your sergeant asked you?

I suppose, but...

I don't see why he ever would.

Not a thing like this.

What'd you say the name
of your sergeant was?

Sergeant Carter.

You remember him.

You sold him a fur piece
last year for his girlfriend.

I don't think he was too
satisfied with it, though.

It kind of fell apart.

Oh, that Sergeant Carter.

Mr. Freddy, what are
you doing up there?

I'm breaking into a
military reservation.

Shoot me.

End it all, shoot me.

Eh, eh... Sergeant Carter?

Yeah? What can I do for you?

Well, uh, you don't know me,

but I, uh, am here
about one of your men,

Paul, Gomer Paul?


Yeah. Well, there's
been a terrible

mistake, and in the
interest of fair play, I thought

maybe you might help
me straighten it out.

Say, do I know you
from someplace?

No, I never been
there. Let me explain.

I met Pyle on the
street yesterday...

It's funny, I could swear
you look familiar to me.

A lot of people say that.

I guess I-I got
that kind of face.

And Pyle... You!

Ha-Have we met, Sergeant?

"Have we met?" he
says. What's the matter?

You sell so many phony furs

you forget who
your customers are?!


Yeah, that's right,
Mr. Friendly Freddy, fox furs.

The kind that fall
apart on the dance floor

30 minutes after you
give 'em to your best girl.

Believe me, I'm
an innocent victim.

There was an epidemic
among foxes. What a year.

You never saw so
many bald foxes.

Boy, you'll never
know how bad I felt.

I'll bet. And how about
that $50 refund you gave me

that turned out
to be counterfeit?

That was counterfeit?!


How do you like that?

It must have been a
bad year for $50 bills, too.

See? It can even
happen to the government.

Ah, get out of here!

No, no, wait a minute, Sarge.

Really, only yesterday I
sold Pyle the wrong ring.

I gave him a two-dollar ring

and charged him 12.

I begged him to let
me make it up to him,

but he wouldn't let me.

Sure, you did.

Oh, it's the truth,
Sarge, honest.

I couldn't sleep all night
knowing what I did to that boy;

a Marine serving his country
losing hard-earned money.

Oh, if he'd only let
me make it up to him.

Oh, you're breaking my heart.

Sarge, would I come
to you hat in hand

if I was lying?

I want to give Pyle something,

not sell him.

And I was hoping
that you would help me

get that worthless ring back.

Okay, you sold him a
two-dollar ring for ten bucks?

Then give me the
ten-dollar difference

and I'll see that he gets it.

Uh, I'm a little flat
right now, Sarge.

How about merchandise?
You got any rings?

Huh? Rings,

like the one that you sold Pyle.

If they're worth two dollars,
then give me five of 'em,

and you'll be square.

Listen, Sarge... Five of 'em.

You go try to be
nice to people...

Oh, how wrong my mother was.

Oh, Gomer, this
is just all too much

First, my beautiful ring, and
then tonight the Jade Club.

And it ain't exactly
over with yet.

There's one more
teensy-weensy little surprise.

Oh, Gomer, what can I say?

You certainly know how
to sweep a girl off her feet.

Well, make a wish quick.

Let's dance.

So, that's the whole scam.

I got till tomorrow
at 12:00 noon

to get the 500 bucks
or you can start looking

for a new boyfriend, Stella.

Gee, Freddy, honey, are you sure

they really mean business?

Stella, these boys
are big league.

You don't walk around
owing them money

and walk around for long.

What if we just not
even talk about it, huh?

Why don't we have
ourselves a big ball tonight

and let's not even
think about it?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Tomorrow I die, so
today, nothing's too good.

Two beers.

♪ ♪

Freddy, honey, what is it?

You look like you saw a ghost.

Not a ghost, baby. A chance
for me to bail out of this mess.


Forget it, forget it.

Look, I got to get
that ring back, right?

Well, I'm gonna
need your help to do it.

But Freddy, honey, I don't
know what you're talking about.

Stella, yours is
not to reason why,

yours is but to
shut up and listen.

Oh, excuse me. I
didn't see where I was...

No, I don't believe it!

If it isn't my old friend and
customer Gomer Peele.

Hi. Hey, Mr. Freddy.

Lou Ann, this is the gentleman
I bought the ring from.

Mr. Freddy, this is...

Don't, don't, don't
tell me. Let me guess.

From her obvious
grace and charm,

this has to be the
special young lady

you were raving
about... Jo Anne?

Lou Ann.

Sure, Lou Ann. I always
get a little tongue-tied

when I'm in the presence
of such outstanding beauty.

Would you mind if I

steal her away
for a little dance?

Well, go right ahead.

It's fine with me if you
don't mind, Lou Ann.

Oh, I don't mind at all, Gomer.

♪ ♪

Enjoying your first
anniversary party?

This is just about the
happiest night of my entire life.

No wonder.

That ring looks
just beautiful on you.

But I must say...

Gomer's taste in
jewelry is second only

to his taste in beautiful girls.

Why, thank you.

Did you say "girls,"
like in the plural sense?

Yeah. Why?

Oh, just a slip of the tongue.

You know, you, uh,
you're a little different

than I pictured you.

I am?

Yeah, when Gomer
bought this ring

and said it was for
you, I, I don't know,

I thought you'd be a
brunette, like the others.


Wha-wha-what'd I say?

Well, you said "others."

What did you mean by that?

Oh, nothing,
nothing, believe me.


Besides, what Gomer
does with the rings he buys

is none of my business.

You said "rings," like in
the plural sense again.

Just what are you insinuating?

Oh, now, miss, there's a code

in the jewelry business.

The relationship between
customer and salesman

is sacred, like between
a doctor and a patient.

Well, if you don't mind,

I have had quite
enough dancing for now,

and I've also had
enough idle gossip

because I don't
believe a word you said.

Go to it, baby.

How was the dance?

Oh, it was all right.

Gomer, baby. Hey!

If you ain't a sight
for sore eyes.

Ma'am, I don't think
I've had the pleasure.

It's me, Stella.
Don't you remember?

Now do you remember?

No, ma'am. Fact is, I've
never laid eyes on you

before in my whole life.

Okay, have it your own way.

You don't know me.

And I suppose you
never gave me this either.

Gomer, that ring, it's just
like the one you gave me.

But Lou Ann, there's
been a terrible mistake.

I'd never give a friendship
ring to anybody but you, honest.

Cigars, cigarettes.

See you Thursday night
as usual, Gomer sweetie.

Another one!

Honest, Lou Ann, I never seen

either of them ladies
before in my life.

You do believe me, don't you?

Gomer, I just don't
know what to believe.

But you just gotta.

And honest, I never bought
more than one friendship ring

to give away in my whole life.

Oh, hi, Pyle, Lou Ann.

Well, hey, Sergeant Carter.

I didn't know you was here.

Yeah, we just stopped
by for a couple of beers.

Well, I'll see ya.

Honest, Lou Ann.

Wait a minute.

Uh, keep it going,
honey. I'll be right back.

You know, I knew
there was something

I wanted to see you about.

I've been carrying these
around with me all day.

Here, these are for you.

Gosh, more friendship rings?

What in the world will
I ever do with them?

Well, easy.

Just find five more
friends and give 'em away.

Lou Ann, this is getting more
complicated by the minute.

I plain just don't
know what's going on.

Well, that makes two of us.

I'm just so confused
and humiliated

that I don't know what to think.

Until you come up with
some logical explanation,

I just have to give
you back your ring.


What's the matter, Pyle?
She giving the ring back?

Please, Lou Ann, I don't know

any more about this than you do.

May I help you, honey?

Freddy? Oh!

Big Harry said I'd
probably find you here.

Just one more
second. I'm that close.

I think we'd better
do this outside,

where it's nice and quiet.

Asylum! Can't I get
political asylum in this club?!

Stella, Stella you
got such a big mouth!

Now all of a
sudden you're quiet!

Scream a little!

Stella, scream a little!

Have a heart, buddy.

Another five seconds
and I would have had

this whole thing
straightened out.

Harry, don't shoot,
Harry. Don't shoot!

Who can shoot?

Hey, what's going on?

We're from the D.A.'s office.

We're taking you in
as a material witness.

You're gonna testify
against Big Harry.

Testify? What'd he do?

Nothing, except make suckers

out of a dozen other
guys like you in this town

with these rings.

You see, there never
were any genuine rings.

There was never any boss either.

Harry made the whole thing up,

just so he could
swindle you suckers

out of 500 bucks a crack.

Let's go.

I'm shocked!

Shocked and disappointed
that there could be

such dishonesty and conniving
among men of goodwill.

Get in the car, Freddy.

Lou Ann, please, wait
just a minute! Wait.

Mr. Freddy, please. I don't
know what went on in there,

but would you please
explain to Lou Ann

that I only bought the
one friendship ring?

I'll do better than that.

I'll tell the whole truth.

See, I thought that ring
was worth a lot more,

and I tried to get
you to give it back.

And that girl bit?
Ah, it was all an act.

Hey, I told the
truth. It feels good.

Hurts a little,
but it feels good.

The D.A.'s office.

Oh, Gomer, how could
I have ever thought

you'd give a ring like
this to anybody else?

Why, Lou Ann, that
came off just as easy.

It comes off easy
when you want it to.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Well, it's not the usual quality

that we're accustomed to
here at Fairchild's, but, uh...

it has a certain value.

I'd appraise it at roughly $25.


Well, that's a whole lot
more than I paid for it.

Appears we got
a bargain, after all.

I still don't care
what it cost, Gomer.

I just love it, no matter what.

Well, after all the confusion,

it's good to know
what it's really worth.

Thank you very much, sir.

And I haven't forgotten
about your calendars.

I'll keep 'em in mind. Bye.

Hi, there.

Well, hey.

Don't tell me you're
shopping again.

What is it you're
looking for this time,

an engagement ring?

No, we was just in there
having Lou Ann's ring appraised.

And do you know
it's worth a lot more

than the two dollars you said?

It's worth $25.


So it turns out you gave us

a real good deal, after all.

Thanks a lot, and
it's really been nice

doing business with you.

Wait a minute now. If you're
really looking for a bargain,

I got a ring that's
better than that one.

And I'd be willing to make an
even exchange, I tell you what...