Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 20 - Gomer Pyle: USMC - full transcript

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Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

As you were.

Okay, now here's something

you're all gonna be glad
to hear, so listen up good.

Headquarters has
instructed me to inform you

that this coming Saturday has
been designated "Open House"

for this base.

Open house?

Now, for those of you

who don't know what
Open House means,

let me explain.

In the interests
of good relations

with the American taxpayer,

Headquarters is anxious

for you men to
invite your loved ones

here to see your base.

And that means, your mothers,
fathers, sisters, brothers,

anyone close to you

that you'd like to invite
here to take a look around.

Now... Excuse me, Sergeant?

What is it, Pyle?

What if you don't have a sister?

Well, that's tough.

Talk to your father about
it. That's his problem.

Now, what do you want to know?

Should you invite
your Aunt Betsy,

your Uncle Wilfred,
your old dog, Tray?!

No, sir. I was just wondering

if you'd consider a
cousin a loved one?

Anybody, Pyle, anybody!

You can invite anybody
you want, loved or unloved!

Just as long as they're
part of the general public.

That means your mothers,

fathers, sisters,
brothers, cousins...

I don't have a sister.

I know that!

That's the reason I
asked you about cousins.


This particular cousin
is just like a sister.

Knock it off! Yes, sir.

All right, now, one more thing.

I'm supposed to tell
you that the windup

of this open house will
be a dance Saturday night.

(all talking)

And you can also invite
your guest to that dance.

Yes, Pyle, you
can invite a cousin.

Right, Sergeant, or a sister.

I thought you said
you didn't have a sister.

I don't, but if I did have
one, I could ask her.

See, that's why I asked
you about cousins.

I do have a cousin,
and I was gonna...

And that's who I was gonna
invite down was my cousin.

Who you gonna invite
down to open house, Duke?

A girl. Who else?

Did I say a girl?

Excuse me, fellas. A goddess.

What about you, Gomer?

Who's this cousin
you're talking about?

My cousin, Bridey
Pyle, up in Stockton.

She's one kin that I
hadn't seen in just ages,

and I know she'd like to
come down here and visit,

and Stockton ain't very far.

I wonder who Sergeant
Carter's gonna invite down

to the open house.

I know he hasn't got
any kin living close by.

My heart bleeds for him.

Shame on you, Duke.

There ain't nothing lonelier
than a man in uniform

that's been left all to his
self on a big family weekend.

No, I wouldn't worry
about it, Gomer.

Of course!

That was the reason that
the sergeant was irritated

when I was asking
him them questions.

He didn't have nobody to
invite, and he felt real bad.

Forget it, Gomer.

You know something?

We ought to put
our heads together

and get him somebody
to keep company with.

I think that's what
we ought to do.

Are you kidding?

No. I think it'd be a
kindly charitable act,

and I think one of
us ought to do it.

The reason I didn't ask
you over in the barracks is

that it was a
personal matter, and

I was just wondering,

do you have any plans?


Well, w-what I mean is,

you being so busy and all,

you probably hadn't had a
chance to think of yourself

and invite somebody
special down for the weekend.

Well, I don't see how that's
any of your business, Pyle.

Well, you're right, Sergeant.

It's none of my business,

but, well, if you hadn't
invited somebody down...

Go on, Pyle.

I'm hanging on every word.

I've invited my cousin, Bridey
Pyle, down from Stockton.

And? I just thought
you might like

to know that I'd consider
it an honor and a privilege

if you'd join me and my cousin
for the weekend festivities.

Join you and your cousin?

Uh-huh, just for companionship

and to have somebody to
go to the dance with later on.

No, Pyle, I don't think so.

Well, she's a real nice
girl, my cousin Bridey.

She's smart and a lot of fun.

I remember once
when we was kids,

she found out I was
ticklish right there.

Well, from then on... No, Pyle.

I'm really not interested.

She's a real good
talker, too, Sergeant.

She used to be on
the debating team

in high school, but
she had to give it up.

She broke out every time
she had to speak in public.

Pyle, I said no.
Now knock it off!

She knows a little
bit about military life.

She was in the Girl Scouts.

Out, out!

Out, out, out, out, out, out!


Did you hear that?

That knucklehead actually
wants to fix me up with his cousin.

Can you believe it?

No kidding?

Yeah. Can you imagine
what she looks like?

I wonder if she wears shoes.

Ah, don't laugh, Sarge.

Sometimes guys that look
like Pyle have beautiful relatives.

Yeah, I can see it.

There's only one thing
worse than Pyle as a man.

That's Pyle as a woman.

And with no shoes.


Hey, Duke.

Oh, Gomer, am I glad to see you.

Listen, pal, you got to help me.

What's the matter? Plenty!

Remember that luscious
little bundle of heaven

I was telling you about?

The one I invited down
to open house tomorrow?

The one from Phoenix?

The one that's growing
out of all her clothes

in that picture you showed me?

Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

Only she's not in Phoenix.

She's in town right
now a day early.

And I'm pulling
guard duty tonight.

Oh, that's a shame, Duke. Gomer,

if I ever needed a pal
like you, it's right now.

Well, gosh, Duke, I'd be
glad to take guard duty for you,

but you know the sergeant
won't let us switch our turns.

I know, I know!

So that only leaves
the next best thing.

Gomer, you got to look
after Francine for me tonight.

Will you? Please, huh?

Well, golly, Duke, I don't know.

Please, Gomer, you got to!

I can't let that poor
girl just sit around

all night with nothing to do.

It wouldn't be right.

Well, gee, Duke, I
understand, but why me?

Because you're the only
guy in this outfit I can trust.

That's why. Aw...
No, no. I mean it.

With all these wolves
around here, I'd lose her

in ten seconds if I
didn't have somebody

like you around
protecting my interests.

Well, golly, Duke,
what'll I do with her,

me being a perfect
stranger and everything?

Gomer, believe me, she's a doll.

You'll be proud being seen
with her wherever you go.

Well, what'll we talk about?

I never have even
been to Phoenix.

Talk about anything.

Take her out. She's
a real good dancer.

Do you think she might
like to go to a movie?

Perfect. Take her to a movie.

It's a Godzilla movie.
Does she scare easy?

No, no, no. That's
great, just great.

A movie couldn't
be more perfect.

Okay, then it's all set.

I'll go phone
Francine at the hotel

and set it up, huh?

Thanks, Gomer.
You're a real pal.

Okay, Duke.

To tell you the truth,
I wasn't too keen

on seeing this particular
Godzilla movie alone anyway.


(music playing,
silverware clattering)


How'd you like the
movie, Miss Francine?

Well, I thought it
was entertaining.

How about you?

Oh, I liked it.

Wasn't as scary as I
thought it'd be, though.

Either I'm getting older,

or them Godzilla
movies just ain't

as scary as they used to be.

(chuckling): Well, I enjoyed it.

Mm. Listen, I want to thank
you for filling in for Duke tonight.

I don't see how I
could have made

such a silly mistake
and come a day too early.

Oh, we're glad to
have you, ma'am.

Well, thank you.

Where do you
want to sit, Vince...

In a booth or at the counter?

Oh, I don't care.

Let's just sit over
here at the counter.

What's the matter?

Over there. You see what I see?

Do you think that's...?

No, it couldn't be,
it just couldn't be.

Pyle's cousin.

Who else?

Oh, maybe it's a date.

Are you kidding?

Pyle with a date like that?

No, you were right.

You guessed he'd
have a relative like that.

And you were wondering
if she wore shoes.

She's got shoes and
stockings and a dress.


And they all fit so nice.


How do you like that?

You know what I am? A boob.

A prize-winning boob.

One look at the law of
averages should have told me

Pyle had to come
up with a winner.

It never fails, does it?
I should have known.

A family is entitled
to only one Gomer.

Everybody else has
to be good-looking.

Well, there's your
proof right over there.

It figured. It just figured.

When I think of
how he stood there

pleading with you to
take her out, and you...

Yeah, yeah. Don't rub it in.

Okay, so nothing's lost.

Why don't you go over there
and introduce yourself to her?

I'm sure Pyle still
wants you to meet her.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Well, what's the matter?

That's the way you'd do it, huh?

Well, what's wrong?

You know what you
don't have, Boyle?

You don't have any
shrewd about you.

If I went over there now,

even a knucklehead like
Pyle would see through me

like a window.

I'd be exposed as a hypocrite.

So, we got to play
it with a little shrewd.


Yeah. I don't approach him now.

I wait until tomorrow like
I never saw his cousin.



I must admit, that
has more finesse.

What's that?

Finesse? Uh, shrewd.

Yeah. Yeah!

Tomorrow, I'll call
Pyle into the Duty Hut,

and then I'll say, "Pyle...

I've been thinking.

Well, what about, Sergeant?

You know.

About what you said yesterday

about wanting me
to meet your cousin

and join you for the open house.

You have?


And you know what, Pyle?

You touched me.

You touched me right here.

I mean, it ain't every guy

that thinks enough
of his top-kick

that he wants him to
meet his loved ones.

And I meant every word
of it, Sergeant, honest I did.

Yes, sir. There was a
lot to what you said, Pyle.

I mean, the more of your
relatives I get to know,

the more I'll know about you,

and that's my job
as a platoon leader...

To learn as much as I can

about each and every
one of my men, huh?

GOMER: Golly.

That's a wonderful
thought, Sergeant.

It's just that I was so busy
with my work yesterday,

I really didn't have time
to give it any thought.

Oh, that's all right,
Sergeant. I understand.

I'm glad, Pyle. Real glad.

Because the fact
of the matter is,

I would like to
meet your cousin,

just like you suggested.

You would?! In fact,

I feel obligated, that
is, if it ain't too late.

Oh, no, it ain't
too late, Sergeant.

We'd enjoy having you join us.

That's good.

That's good.


I'll tell you what, Sergeant.

At the big dance tonight,

I'll bring Cousin
Bridey over to you

and make all the introductions.

Oh, uh, the dance, tonight, huh?

Yeah, well, um, I
think I can make it.

PYLE: Well, it'd be an honor
and a privilege if you do.

You know, I really
should spend time

with the relatives
of all my men,

but at least let me
start with your cousin.

Uh, by the way, uh,
what does she look like?

Well, she's... No,
no, no, don't tell me.

Let it be a surprise.

(Carter laughs)

Anyway, what
difference does it make

what she looks like?

Right, Sergeant.

Yes, uh, okay, Pyle, you're on.

And, remember, I ain't
making no other plans.

Okay, Sergeant, and thank you.




Huh? Shrewd.


(instrumental '60s
rock music plays)

(indistinct crowd chatter)

How do I look, Boyle?

Everything in order?

How are the creases holding up?

A-okay, Sarge.

All conditions are go.

You'll knock her
dead. Naturally.

Hey, you look just right
for a guy who's gonna learn

about one of his
men from a cousin.

Huh? Huh?

Oh. Yeah.



Vince, hey, Vince. Huh?

There she is. She just came in.


Even better than last night.

She's a goddess.

And she's Pyle's cousin.

Don't remind me.

Say, where is he, anyway?

You don't suppose
she came alone?

Oh, no, he'll be in.

He's probably checking her coat.

Look, we'll wait
right here, and...

How do you like that?!

He let Slater take his
cousin out instead of me.

Can you believe it?

Well, it doesn't
sound like Pyle.

It sounds, it sounds!

He double-crossed me is what.

Hey, Slater!

Over here.

You... here!

What's wrong?

It's my sarge.

What does he want?

I don't know,

but I'd better get
over there and find out.

Be right back.


What's up, Sarge?

You tell me,
Slater, you tell me.

I want to know what
you're doing with that girl.

That's my date.

Yeah? And how much finagling
did you have to do with Pyle

to get him to turn
her over to you?

Pyle? What's he got
to do with it, Sarge?

Don't play dumb, Slater.

That's Pyle's cousin.

What are you doing horning in?

Well, Sarge, there must
be some mistake here.

That gal is Francine Gorsky,
an old gal friend of mine.


Yeah. I paid her carfare

all the way from Phoenix.

She's, She's my date
for the open house.

But I saw Pyle out
with her last night.

What was he doing out with her?

Oh, wait a minute, Sarge.

Francine was with
Gomer last night,

but he was just looking
after my investment for me

while I walking guard duty.

But that's my date.

Cute, huh, Sarge?

Then where's Pyle's cousin?

I suddenly got a
kind of sick feeling.

I'm getting a feeling

that Pyle's cousin is gonna
be just like I thought she was

from the very beginning.

Looking like him.

And with no shoes.


What are you going to do, Vince?

Stick around and
wait for Pyle's cousin?

Are you kidding?

I'm leaving.

Wait a minute, Sarge.

What about the theory?

Remember the law
of averages? Forget it.

The only law I want to
remember right now is

the first law of nature...
Survival of the fittest.

Yeah, but suppose
the theory is right.

Suppose Pyle's cousin turns out

to be a winner after all?

Why run? Wait and see.


Maybe you're right.

The least I can do
is give it a chance.

Why not? Yeah.

I can just keep a sharp
lookout from over here.

If she turns out to
be what I think she is,

then I can leave.

Hey, there, Roger.

Hey, what do you say, Pyle?

You haven't seen Sergeant
Carter around, have you?

No, I'm afraid not.

Oh, by the way, Pyle,
this is my sister Cynthia.

How do you do?

I'm pleased to know you, ma'am.

Now, you just
stand fast, sister,

I'll go check your coat. Okay.

Everybody's really
having a fine time.

I think this open house
was a real fine idea.

Just a real fine idea.

Here you are, Vince,
a little refreshment.

Aw, thanks, Boyle.

I'm gonna need all
the energy I can get.

I'm speechless.

100% deaf, dumb and speechless.

Holy smoke!

Well, what do you think
of the theory now, huh?


That's Pyle's cousin.

And that's more like it.

Hey, hey, Sergeant Carter!

Excuse me, ma'am.

There's my sergeant and I've
been looking all over for him.

Holy suffering.

I'll never survive
the introduction.

I got to get out of here!

Excuse me, Corporal.

Didn't I just see you
talking to the Sergeant?

Uh... uh, yeah, yeah,
but he had to go.

Well, do you happen
to know where he went?

Hmm? Well, he, uh...

suddenly remembered he
wanted to check the area.

Yeah, that's it.

He wanted to check the area.

Well, is he coming back?

Uh... well, uh, I
don't know, Pyle.

He might and then
again he might not.

Well, that's too bad.

I wanted to tell him
that my cousin's bus

from Stockton was
gonna be a little late.

You mean she isn't here yet?

Well, that's what I
wanted to tell the Sergeant.

That her bus was
gonna be delayed.

But that girl I saw
you standing with,

over by the entrance,
who was that?

Oh, that's Private
Morrissey's sister.

Her name's Cynthia.

She's real nice, too.

Oh, yeah, real nice.

Well, I'd better go see
if I can find the sergeant

and see if he's coming back.

He'll really be disappointed

if he don't get to
meet cousin, Bridey.




Sergeant Carter, you out here?

Sergeant? Sergeant Carter?


Sergeant Carter?

You back there, Sergeant?

I wonder what's
happened to Cousin Bridey.

She should've been here by now.

Don't worry, Gomer.
She'll show up.

And she'll have
a lovely time, too.

Sergeant or no Sergeant.

Well, I sure hope so.

Well, I'd better go
stand by the door

so she can recognize me better.

Last time she seen
me I wasn't fully grown.

Honey, what'd you
say we have another go

at the light fantastic? Love to.

(crickets chirping)

BOYLE: Vince!

Hey, Vince, it's me, Boyle.

Oh, it's you.

For a minute I
thought it was Pyle.

He's been chasing
me all over the place.

Well, you can quit running.

That girl wasn't
his cousin after all.

Huh? No.

She's Morrissey's sister.

Pyle was just trying to tell you

that his cousin's bus was late.

You're pulling my leg.

So help me, Vince.
She ain't here.

In fact, she may
not even come at all.

Say, uh, what are you doing?

Where were you going just now?

Just thought I'd go
into town for a while.

You know what?

Now it's beginning to bug me.

I'm curious. Huh?

What does Pyle's
cousin look like.

Is she pretty, ugly?

What? Yeah.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going back to that
dance and find out.

The law of averages?

Who knows?

But this time I'm
going to play it safe.

Real safe.

Vince. Hey, Vince.

Huh? What?

Is she here?

No. I just wanted to make
sure you were still there.

I'm here. I'm here.
Where's Pyle?

Oh, he's still standing
over there by the door.

Gomer, I just can't get over
how much you've changed!

Golly, you've changed, too.

You've really changed.

And just think just a
few short years ago

you was getting into the picture
show with me for half price.


Tell me I'm dreaming, Boyle.

Tell me it's one
of them mirages.

How about that?

The law of averages
worked after all.

Isn't that something?

Come on.

Give me a hand on the double.

Hey, that theory really worked.

Yeah, but I'm still
glad I played it safe.

You never know about them things

until the last minute.

Oh, boy.

It's good to see
you. It really is.

Oh, and it's good to
see you, too, Gomer.

You look marvelous.

Pyle, I've been looking
all over for you, Pyle.

Oh, hi, Sarge. You
been looking for me?

Well, I been looking for you.

You have?

Well, I been right around here

all the time. Where
did you look?

Well... Aren't you
gonna introduce me

to your cousin?

This is your cousin. My cousin?

Oh, no, this ain't my cousin.

This is Flora Bedemeyer,
my cousin's best friend.


She come all the way
down from Stockton

with my cousin
Bridey just to see me.

Ain't that some surprise?

Yeah, it sure is.

I didn't even know
she was up in Stockton,

and she decided to come
down with Cousin Bridey,

that's who you're gonna meet.


Where is Cousin Bridey?

Oh, she'll be right back.

She just went to the powder room

to freshen up a bit. Oh.

Here she is now!

Gomer. Bridey!

(Bridey laughing)

Come here.

I want you to meet my
sergeant, Sergeant Carter.

He's really been looking
forward to meeting you.

How do you do?

I wrote Cousin Bridey
all about you, Sergeant,

so she knows exactly
what a fine person you are,

just like you was old friends.

That's nice of you, Pyle.

Real nice.

So, you're Gomer's sergeant.

He's a lot shorter
than I thought he'd be.

Just listen to me
spouting off here

like I was a regular
matchmaker or something,

when I ought to be letting
you acquainted out there

on the dance floor.

Go on, Sergeant.

That was when I was 14.

When I was 15, we
moved to Stockton.

Daddy bought a farm there.

Well, I didn't think I was
gonna like it there, but I did.

(weak chuckle)

Of course, high school,
that was the most fun.

In my second year, I was
elected President of the 4-H Club.

Well, we just had all
these projects to do.

And you know what I
picked as my project?

Excuse me, Bridey.

What do you say I get us
some more punch, huh?

I'm just dying of thirst,

what with the smoke and all.

(forced chuckle)

Hey, Vince. Where are you going?

I got to get out of here.

Look, Chuck, do me a favor.

Go over to Pyle's table

and tell them I just
got an emergency call.

Huh? Tell them
headquarters called.

Anything, just get
me off the hook!

Vince, you can't do that.

Oh, can't I? Just watch me.

Sergeant! Wait a minute!

Oh, look, Pyle, I'm sorry,

but I just got an
emergency call.

Top priority.

I gotta get right
back to the Duty Hut.

I ain't got a moment to lose.

That's too bad.
Yeah, I know, Pyle.

But that's the service for you.

Work before pleasure.


And being that I hadn't spent
any time with Cousin Bridey alone

to catch up on
the family's doings.

I was hoping you might switch

and spend some time
with Miss Flora here.

You hadn't hardly spent
any time with her at all.


Well, gee, I...

And I was really looking
forward to it, too, Sergeant.

But if you have
work... Well, I...

GOMER: You've got
work to do, Sergeant,

you just go right
ahead and do it.

The corporal here will
be glad to take your place,

won't you, Corporal Boyle?


Y'all go on and
dance and have fun.

Uh, but, uh...

If you've got work
to do, Sergeant,

you just go right
ahead and do it.

And don't worry.

Like you said.
That's the service.