Glee (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 2 - Glee - full transcript

It's Tina's time to shine.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
So how does it work
with gay marriage,

you take his last name
or does he take yours,

or ***?

Right now, I'm honestly just
excited that Kurt said yes.

Hey, are you looking
forward to prom?

I fell asleep last night

while Tina was texting me
about her prom dress.

(sighs) It's really nice

that you're going
with her, by the way.

Yeah, I guess so.

I don't know, I just...
you know, it's my senior prom,

so I kind of wish
I was going with somebody

I really care about.

Damn, I have seriously
been unlucky in love.

Come on, guys,
we're back with the Beatles!

(students whooping)

We're leaving
the mop-tops behind

and moving into
their experimental years.

Now, the Rubber Soul album
marked a turning point

for the group, where they
literally and figuratively

let their hair down.
Now, the Beatles

were the biggest
musical act in the world.

They could have remained
in their comfort zones,

but instead,
they risked everything

to explore new musical worlds.

They had something
important to say,

and they weren't going to let
something as silly as

the fear of failure
get in their way.

SUE (over P.A.):
Good afternoon, McKinley High.

This year, the proms

are being fused into
one giant Brundleprom.

What's a Brundleprom?
I don't get that reference.

That's from The Fly.

And now for the moment

that will crush 99%
of your misguided views

about your own popularity.

Here are your nominees

for Prom King and Queen.

First, here are your nominees
for Prom King:

Blaine Anderson...


...Mohamed Omar,

Artie Abrams...


... "Stoner" Brett Bukowski.

Wait, I-I really didn't get
nominated for king?

And now onto the Queen.

Please let it be me God,

please let it be me Yahweh,

please let it be me.

Kitty Wilde...

But I'm a sophomore.

...Aimee Ryan...


...Jordan Stern.

And, inexplicably,

Tina Cohen-Chang.

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, yes!

Six of you will be disappointed.
Yes! Yeah!

Yeah! Yes!
Tina. Wow!

Even though I'm not nominated,
it's such an honor

to be going to prom
with a potential queen.


Sorry, Sam.

It was so nice of you to offer

to go with me,
but I'm going to have

to decline your invitation.

But you already accepted.

Yeah, Tina, this
is very uncool.

Losing is uncool.

I need to maximize my odds
of taking the crown,

so I think I'm going to go
with a group of single gals

to corner the dejected
wallflower vote.

And I am going for it.

This is my chance
to be bigger than Jesus.

So can I count on
all your votes?


You've got mine.


I've got more shots
at Prom Queen.

It's Tina's time.

I agree. Hit it!

(playing The Beatles'

♪ You say you want
a revolution ♪

♪ Well, you know

♪ We all want
to change the world... ♪

(school bell ringing)

(music stops)



Congratulations, Tina.


Uh, do you have...

That's it.

My dreams of playing
Fanny Brice are over.

I'm sure it isn't over.

If I got it,
I would've heard by now.

Okay? And-and-and
the thing is,

is that I wasn't just
auditioning for this for myself.

I was auditioning
for everyone at McKinley.

Okay? I wanted to show
that we're talented enough

to make it in this
insane business.

Okay, well, one of us
sort of already did.

I booked a commercial.

It's a little embarrassing,

because it was for that
yeast infection medication,


But they sent me a rough cut.

Do you want to see?


Let's face it.

There are good kinds of yeast,

and bad kinds of yeast.

But bad yeast goes scat
with Yeast-I-Stat.

Burns and itch are
a thing of the past.

And Yeast-I-Stat's
Seven Easy-Step Application

makes feeling fresh a breeze.

I like my yeast in my bagel...

but not in my muffin.

♪ Did you hear the news?

♪ Let's have a chat

♪ Bad yeast goes scat

♪ With Yeast-I-Stat.

I'm free!


that's great.

Honestly, if it
were anyone else,

I'd be so jealous,

but I'm-I'm-I'm...
really proud of you.

Thank you.
Thank you.


Oh, hi, Kitty.

Could I talk to you
for a second?

I was so psyched
that a fellow Cheerio!

Was nominated for Prom Queen.

Thanks, Bree.

And then I heard
that you weren't

going to campaign for it,

and instead you were
throwing your support

to that Asian girl
from Glee Club

because you thought
it was "her turn."

Now, if that's true,

you might want to tie
yourself down,

because this is gonna
be a rough ride.

I just wanted to remind you

that a Cheerio!
Has not won Prom Queen

for several years now.

We've had Prom Queens
from Glee Club,

including the Jewish girl
and a gay dude.

And if we're not careful,

I swear to God we're gonna have
a black transsexual

named Unique as Prom Queen

before we have a Cheerio!
As Prom Queen.

Now, I know you're
thinking to yourself:

"But O.M.G., Bree,

I love the Asian girl
from Glee Club."

Well, punch yourself in the face
so I don't have to.

I do not give a flying fart,

and the Cheerios!
Do not give a flying fart,

about how much you love
your sisters from Glee Club.

You have 51 weeks
out of the year

to love your sisters
from Glee Club,

and this week is not...

I repeat, not...
one of them.

This week is about winning
Prom Queen for the Cheerios!,

and that's not gonna happen
if you're off campaigning

for Kimchi Cohen-Barf
or whoever.

Are you an idiot, Kitty?

That's not
a rhetorical question.

I literally want you to tell me
if you're mentally slow,

so I can be sure
you're not nominated

for future prom courts.

Sam. I didn't know
you were gonna be in here.

Oh. Hey, Mr. Shue.

(chuckles) Yeah.

You know, a lot of people
say the Beatles were the,

like, the best
band ever, right?

That's right.

Well, what if I told you that

the Beatles wrote
exactly zero songs

about what it feels like

when you tell a girl
that you don't think is hot

you'll go to prom with her
because you feel bad,

and then you think you're gonna

get nominated for Prom King
and then you don't,

and the not-hot girl says,
"I don't want to go

to prom with you anymore."

Would you still say they were
the greatest band ever?

Hey there, Buttchin.

Ah, Samgelina Jolie.

Oh, I hate to interrupt

the blatantly
homoerotic overtones

of whatever the two of you are
on the verge of crying about,

so I will be brief.

Now, seeing as
how your students

in the glee club come and
go for weeks at a time

with no explanation whatsoever,

I'm sure that it will not
come to you as a surprise

that we have an abysmal
attendance record

at this school due to illness.

Therefore, I am instituting

mandatory vaccinations
at this school,

starting with your
pansexual orgy

of future patient zeroes,
the glee club.

When you say vaccinations,
do you mean shots?

That's right, Imbecile
Homeless Teen Drifter.

And we will begin
with the polio vaccine.

Sue, polio was all but

eradicated in the 1950s.

Or so they'd have us believe.

I saw a documentary
last night on FDR,

and it made me very suspicious

about that glee kid
in the wheelchair.

Artie? He was in a car accident
when he was a kid.

Fact: there is a meningitis
outbreak in Los Angeles.

Fact: Mercedes Jones

recently returned
from Los Angeles...

Wait, I cannot
get a vaccination.

Needles totally freak me out.
Sue, I'm all about keeping

the kids in this school healthy,
but this is ridiculous.

Hey, I would watch
your tone with me

if I were you,
Busted Timberfake.

I'm not your coworker anymore.

I'm your boss.

And what I say goes.

And if you and Nipples

the Strippin' Clown
don't get your shots

by the end of the week,
you're fired.

(school bell ringing)

(several pianos
playing different music)

What's going on in here?

Carmen Tibideaux
needed volunteers

for the annual
NYADA piano tuning.

So, did you hear about
Santana's good news?

That she doesn't have
a yeast infection?

I'm really happy for her.

Okay, what's wrong with you?

Because the Rachel I know
would be furious at Santana

for breezing into town

and beating us at
booking the first gig.

You have lost your mojo
obsessing over this part.

We can't let our
feelings of self-worth

be determined by
some part in a play.

That's easy for you to say;
you just got engaged.

True, but I'm not pinning
all my future happiness on it.

I'm telling you, you have
got to get your mojo back.

Right here, right now.

This second.

♪ Jo Jo was a man
who thought he was a loner ♪

♪ But he knew it couldn't last

♪ Jo Jo left his home
in Tucson, Arizona ♪

♪ For some California grass

♪ Get back

♪ Get back...

♪ Get back to where
you once belonged ♪

♪ Get back

♪ Get back...

♪ Get back to where
you once belonged ♪

♪ Get back, Jo Jo

♪ Ah, ah, ah

♪ Ooh...

♪ Yeah

♪ Go home!

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Sweet Loretta Martin

♪ Thought she was a woman

♪ But she was another man

♪ All the girls around her
say she's got it coming ♪

♪ But she gets it
while she can ♪

♪ Oh, get back

♪ Get back

♪ Get back to where
you once belonged ♪

♪ Get back

♪ Get back...

♪ Get back to where
you once belonged ♪

♪ Get back, brother!

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Back to where
you once belonged ♪

♪ Oh...

♪ Oh, get back ♪ I'll get back

♪ Yeah, get back
♪ Yeah, get back

♪ Get back to where
you once belonged ♪

♪ Yeah, get back
♪ Yeah, get back

♪ Get back

♪ Get back to where
you once belonged ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh...

♪ Oh!


No, no...


- Hello?
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Oh!

Are you here for your
polio/meningitis cocktail?

I wasn't sure if
I should call it

polingitus or meningiolio.

I like the second one;
it sounds like Italian food.

(imitating Marlon Brando): I'm going
to give him a shot he can't refuse.


Anyways, yes, I am
here for my shot.

To be honest,

I'm kind of freaked
out by needles,

and even if I wasn't,
I'd kind of be freaked out

by you with a needle.

I saw you kill that sausage.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that, I know.

I had kind of a...
an extended panic attack

during the two weeks we studied
injections last semester.

Wait, are you not a real nurse?

I'm a sophomore in college.

This is kind of an internship

to help me get
into nursing school.

Okay. Ready for our shot?

Is that the same needle
you put in that sausage?

Good eye.

You know what?
I'm-I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna come
back later, okay?

It was cool meeting you.


Penny Owen.

Sam Evans.

(school bell ringing)

Here are the latest
prom poll numbers.

And your 3:00 coffee.

I said no caffeine until prom.

I can't afford to look tired
like some sad, anemic dishrag.

(girl gasps) Oh, my God!

What is with these numbers?

There's been a sudden spike
in Kitty's popularity.


This is unbelievable!


Tina, I didn't put these up.
That's not even me.

That's my head photoshopped

onto Olivia Munn.

Oh, please.
I should've known

that when you weirdly
said you'd support me,

it was just some
classic backstabby,

gaslighty Kitty mind game.

Hey, uh, what's with
these posters?

I thought you were
supporting Tina.

And why is
your head photoshopped

onto Olivia Munn's body
from February 2011?

What? I read Maxim.

Don't worry, Tina.
Come on.

This is Tina's one big chance
to finally get what she wants.

Why does no one believe me?

Oh, right.

The habitual lying.


I dig your name.

So, do you think
that your parents,

like, knew that you were gonna
grow up to be a lesbian

giving you a boy name?

I'm a not a lesbian.
Oh, uh...

You just wear so much
eyeliner... I don't...

I'm totally kidding.
I love lady parts.

Dani is short for Danielle.

And, no, I don't
think they knew.

My parents are actually
kind of d-bags.

They caught me making out
with a girl in the basement

and all hell broke loose.

I grabbed my guitar,

and never looked back.

What about you?

My parents were pretty cool.

Grandma not so much.

I had a girlfriend.

And she was bi.

Any chance of you guys
getting back together?

I love her, but, um, it's over.

It's probably for the best.

I think you need

a 100% Sapphic goddess.

Um... I think I'm gonna
go get the salt...

the salt sh-shakers.

(silverware rattles) Shakers...

Oh, my, God, I am sensing

some serious energy exchanges
happening over there.

No, no, help me, okay?

(nervous laugh)

I'm getting that stinky
panic sweat under my boobs.

Why? She's cute, she's sweet,
she's gay, ask her out.

Okay, I've never been
with an actual lesbian.

It's been all bisexuals
like Brittany

or college girls trying
to experiment.

You're scared.

I've never seen you
scared before.

It's so cute!

You tell no one of this.

I think that I might like her,
and it is terrifying.


She seems like
a really smart girl.

And if she's a smart girl,

then she's not gonna miss out
on an opportunity

to be with someone
as amazing as you.

You're right.

She's smart.
Okay, go clean up.


Mmm, mm-mm.

Hey, Sam, we're gonna go pick up
our tux rentals.

You coming? Uh, could you
guys grab mine for me?

I need to, uh...

go to the nurse's office...
snake bite.

That looks like a human bite.

From a really big mouth.

You sure you didn't
bite yourself

and pretend it was a snake?

Why would I do that?

Oh, I don't know, maybe...

maybe for the same exact reason
why you left math

to get a Band-Aid
for your hangnail?

She's gonna be
at the prom chaperoning.

You can always just take it
slow and ask her for a dance.

She'll stop liking me, okay?
The key for me is to only spend

a few minutes with a girl
and then get away.

My personality is like
a radioactive asteroid.

Spend too much time with it

and it could kill you.
That's insane.

You have an amazing personality.

You have all of your...

And-and all of your...


I was thinking of doing
my Denzel impression for her.

(imitating Denzel Washington):
All right, all right.

I'm coming for you
and when I do,

she didn't drink the vodka,
I drank the vodka.

Remember those Titans.
All right, training day.

You better come correct
'cause I'm coming

for you and when I do,

it's your day to train.

Training day is here.

My man, all right.

Embrace the Beatles mantra.

"Charge forth fearlessly."

You may get hurt.

Some girls are worth it.

And I have a feeling
you think she is.

Go get them, Denzel.

(The Beatles'
"Something" begins)

♪ Something in the way
she moves ♪

♪ Attracts me like
no other lover ♪

♪ Something in the way

♪ She woos me

♪ I don't want
to leave her now ♪

♪ You know I believe and how

♪ Somewhere in her smile

♪ She knows

♪ That I don't need

♪ No other lover

♪ Something in her style

♪ That shows me

♪ I don't want
to leave her now ♪

♪ You know I believe and how

♪ You're asking me
will my love grow ♪

♪ I don't know, I don't know

♪ You stick around now,
it may show ♪

♪ I don't know, I don't know

♪ Something in the way
she knows ♪

♪ And all I have to do
is think of her ♪

♪ Something in the things

♪ She shows me

♪ I don't want
to leave you now ♪

♪ You know I believe and how.

(music fades)

Why are you packing up
your things?

Sue fired me for incompetence.

I was giving one
of her Cheerios!

A urine test
and another one a vaccination,

and I got my vials all mixed up,

and, well...

you can guess what happened.

Well, y-you can't leave.


Because we only

hung out once so far.

And-and it wasn't
for long, but, you know,

I had a great time with you.

And you're, like, almost
totally normal and cool.


All right.
I want you to give me my shot.

If you can get me
to take this shot,

Sue will have to see how great
of a nurse you are and keep you.

One of these days,
I'm gonna get this right.

Might as well be today.


You can't fire her.


Nurse Penny.
You can't get rid of her.

I mean, I've been terrified
of needles my entire life.

And she just used her impressive

nursing skills
and nurturing bedside manner

to give me a meningitis shot
in my butt.

I'm sorry, but your mouth
is incredibly distracting.

Please put a pair of
white cotton panties

over your head and cover up

that horizontal
talking moose knuckle.

Just promise me
Penny still has a job here.


I believe someone's
got a little crush.

No, I don't. I don't have...

Fine. You've convinced me.

Nurse Bumble McQuirkypoops
will remain at McKinley High.

I could use a new plaything.

You know, yesterday, I
asked her for two aspirin,

and she accidentally
gave me steroids.

(laughs) Which means
I can finally

finally stop buying
from Mark McGwire.


He always wants to hang out,

and I just want to get
the hell out of his house.

Why are you still here?

Get the hell out of my office.

(school bell ringing)

Tina for Prom Queen.
Don't be racist.

Vote for Tina.

Vote for Tina.
Don't be racist.

If you don't vote for Tina,

you're a racist.

Are you doing okay, Dottie?

How do you know my name?

Come on.

Everyone knows Dottie Kazatori.

Tina Cohen-Chang's
personal slave.

Break it down.

You hate Tina, don't you?

I do wish she'd hurry up
and graduate.

How would you like
to be on the Cheerios!?

That's, like, my life's dream.

BREE: That's why
you're perfect

for our little plan.


Mazel, Berry.
Looks like you're gonna make it

through your first graveyard
shift without collapsing.

What is that?

The latest edition
of Backstage.

Hot off the presses.

"Hot off the presses"?

What does that mean? I'm
over my fear of rejection.

And I'm no longer
afraid of failing.

I'm auditioning for everything
I'm remotely right for.

Including but not limited
to the role of Bottom

at the Cape Cod Players
production of Midsummer,

and also Annie Sullivan's
landlady in The Miracle Worker

now casting at the New Jersey
Theater for the Deaf.

Where do you think you're going?

You still have ten minutes

and two dozen
sugar caddies to caddy.

See, I thought that
that was something

that you and Dani
could do alone.

Okay, no, come on.

You are not playing Yente
the lesbian matchmaker.

I'm so tired.

I have to get home.
No, you're not. You have to...

Bye, Rachel.
See you tomorrow.

Good-bye, Dani.

Aren't you heading out, too?

No, not yet.

I like to watch the sun rise
over that building.

I just love how the diner goes
from being quiet and dark

to suddenly just... glowing.

I've never seen it.

Well, stick around.
We'll watch it together.


(The Beatles'
"Here Comes the Sun" playing)

♪ Here comes the sun

♪ Doo, doo-doo

♪ Here comes the sun

♪ And I say it's all right

♪ Mmm-mm

♪ Little darling

♪ It's been a long

♪ Cold, lonely winter

♪ Little darling

♪ It feels like years

♪ Since it's been here

♪ Here comes the sun

♪ Doo, doo-doo

♪ Here comes the sun, I say

♪ It's all right

♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da,
da-da-da, da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

♪ Ah-ah-ah

♪ Little darling

♪ The smiles
returning to their faces ♪

♪ Little darling,
it seems like years ♪

♪ Since it's been here

♪ Here comes the sun

♪ Doo, doo-doo

♪ Here comes the sun

♪ And I say it's all right

♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da,
da-da-da, da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

♪ Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

♪ Oh, oh-oh

♪ Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

♪ Ah... uh-huh
♪ Oh... oh...

♪ Uh-huh

♪ Ah-oh...

♪ Little darling

♪ I feel that ice
is slowly melting ♪

♪ Little darling

♪ It seems like years
since it's been clear ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Here comes the sun

♪ Doo, doo-doo

♪ Here comes the sun,
and I say ♪

♪ It's all right

♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da,
da-da-da, da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

♪ It's all right

♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da,
da-da-da, da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

♪ Sun, sun, sun,
here it comes. ♪

Well, this is where I get off.

So I guess that's good-bye?

For now.

See you around.

(crowd cheering)

(The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's
Lonely Hearts Club Band" plays)

♪ It was 20 years ago today

♪ Sergeant Pepper taught
the band to play ♪

♪ They've been going in
and out of style ♪

♪ But they're guaranteed
to raise a smile ♪

♪ So may I introduce to you

♪ The act you've known
for all these years ♪

♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely
Hearts Club Band ♪

Stick with me, dateless ladies,
and you'll have a great time.

Hope I got all your votes.

♪ We're Sergeant Pepper's
Lonely Hearts Club Band ♪

♪ We hope you will enjoy
the show ♪

♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely
Hearts Club Band ♪

♪ Sit back and let
the evening go ♪

♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely,
Sergeant Pepper's Lonely ♪

♪ Sergeant Pepper's
Lonely Hearts Club Band ♪

Oh, hey, didn't see you there.

It seems like someone
convinced Sue to un-fire me.

That person must
really like you.

Hey. Were you faking
being sick all week?

I even bit myself once.

♪ I don't really want
to stop the show ♪

♪ But I thought you might
like to know ♪

♪ That the singer's
gonna sing a song ♪

♪ And he wants you all
to sing along ♪

♪ So let me introduce to you

♪ The one and only
Billy Shears ♪

♪ Sergeant Pepper's
Lonely Hearts Club Band ♪

♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely
Hearts Club Band ♪

♪ Sergeant Pepper's
Lonely Hearts Club Band. ♪

(music ends, crowd cheering)

♪ Caught up in the moment...

You know you don't have
to just stand here, right?

You can...
Oh, I know.

But as a minor-league nurse,

I figured I should be
on standby

for any dancing-related

I'm the one who's
most likely to go out there

and hurt myself
on the dance floor,

so as a minor-league nurse,

it is kind of
your responsibility

to dance with me.

(chuckles) God, I don't know.

I bust moves, literally.


I'm taking those.


Oh, my God, Tina!
Your dress is so pretty!

Thank you so much.
It's designer.

I hope you guys voted for Tina.

You guys look beautiful.

Psst! Come here!

Everything set?


Did you add extra shards of ice?

Yes, and I bought the slushees
in Toledo

so no one could link me
to the crime.

Oh, my God, I just remembered,

I've got a viola lesson tonight.

Oh, I know you're not
backing out at the last minute.

I know you don't want to spend
the rest of your life

being a pathetic bottom-feeder.

Fact: you wet your bed
until seventh grade.


Stop, stop! Okay, I'll do it.

I'll do it.


SUE (over speakers): Congratulations, New
Directions, on accomplishing the impossible:

you've made me hate The Beatles.

Your nominations
for Prom King are:

Stoner Brett,

Blaine Anderson,

Artie Abrams,

and that Radical Cleric kid.

And now your nominees
for Prom Queen:

Neck-brace Cheerio!,

Asian number one,

Kitty I-forget-your-last-name,

and... some other chick.

And now here's the moment
you've all been waiting for

because your lives are
so devoid of meaning

something like this seems
very important.

This can't be right.

Okay, what the hell
do I care, huh?

Your Prom King
and Prom Queen are...

(drumroll plays)

Stoner Brett
and Tina Cohen-Chang.

(cymbal crash, crowd cheering)

(cheering continues)

(cheering continues)


(cheering stops)


What the hell?



TINA: This is my chance
to be bigger than Jesus.

This is my chance to be
bigger than Jesus.

This is my chance
to be bigger than Jesus.

(laughter continues)

We need to get you out of

those wet clothes
and into something dry.

Just leave me like this!

I swear, I just thought

for one lousy night of my life,

I could be that girl.

But who am I kidding?

I'm not that girl,

and I will never be that girl!

Tina, where are you going?

I'm going home, Sam!

Okay, Tina, stop.

You have two choices,

and whichever one you pick,
we will be supportive.

But we can either
drive you home,

or we can clean you up,

and you can go back out
there and own that prom.

This is your prom, Queen T.

I can't go back in there.

I don't even have a dress
to wear.

You can have mine.

Or mine.

Or mine.

Although it would be
a crime to break this look.

Come on, Tina.
We're all with you.

You want to be that girl?

Then go be that girl.


(The Beatles' "Hey, Jude" plays)

♪ Hey, Jude, don't make it bad

♪ Take a sad song
and make it better ♪

♪ Remember to let her
into your heart ♪

♪ And you can start
to make it better ♪

♪ Hey, Jude, don't be afraid

♪ You were made to
go out and get her ♪

♪ The minute you let her
under your skin ♪

♪ Then you begin
to make it better ♪

♪ So let it out and let it in

♪ Hey, Jude, begin

♪ You're waiting for someone
to perform with ♪

♪ And don't you know
that it's just you ♪

♪ Hey, Jude, you'll do

♪ The movement you need
is on your shoulder ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah-nah-nah-nah ♪

♪ Yeah...

♪ Hey, Jude,
don't make it bad ♪

♪ Take a sad song
and make it better ♪

♪ Remember to let her
under your skin ♪

♪ Then you'll begin

♪ To make it better

♪ Better, better, better,
better, better ♪

♪ Yeah!

♪ Nah, nah, nah,
nah-nah-nah, nah ♪

(applause, cheering)

♪ Nah-nah-nah, nah

♪ Hey, Jude

♪ Jude-Judey, Judey, Judey,
Judey, Judey! ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah,
nah-nah-nah, nah ♪

♪ Sing a sad song

♪ Nah-nah-nah, hey, Jude

♪ Jude, hey, Jude, yeah...

♪ Nah, nah, nah,
nah-nah-nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah-nah-nah, nah

♪ Hey, Jude

I'm Tina Cohen-Chang.
I accept your crown!

Long live prom!

♪ Nah, nah, nah,
nah-nah-nah, nah ♪

♪ Whoo, yeah-yeah!

♪ Nah-nah-nah, nah

♪ Hey, Jude.

(song ends)


Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, get in this office
and sit down!

Ow! Ow!

- Who is this?
- Bree.

This is the girl responsible

for the giant slushee bucket
at prom.

No, I mean, literally,
who is this?

She's in a
Cheerios! uniform,

but I swear
I've never seen her before.

You put me on the team.

Black Cheerio!...

you think I'd remember
a black Cheerio.

It's not like
we get a lot of them.

Sue Sylvester, this girl needs
to be punished.

Now, I'll admit that
when the bucket of goo

hit the Asian girl in the head,
it was hilarious.

Then the bucket itself fell

and hit the stoner
kid in the head,

knocked him
straight to the ground.


Top-notch entertainment.

But that does not change
the fact

that this girl right here
needs to understand

that pulling hilarious,
top-notch pranks

has consequences.

She should be suspended.


I'm promoting you
to captain of the Cheerios!

And buying you a Le Car.

ROZ: What?!

Chocolate Cheerio!, oh,

that evil glimmer in your eye

reminds me of a
young Sue Sylvester.

You found a brand-new way
to go after the glee club,

and I want you to keep at it.

ROZ: I thought
you said you wanted

the glee club to win nationals.

I do, but the glee club
needs an enemy.

The only time they
were any good

was when I was hell-bent
on destroying them.

Plus, I once sang onstage
with them in plaid pajamas,

and ever since, I don't think
they find me quite so scary.

I want you to go after the
glee club with all you've got.

I want it to get weird.

I want you to pull
something so psychotic

that they can't help but start
crying when they think about it

in the middle of the
inevitable Journey song

they'll sing to
win at nationals

after deciding on it
at the very last moment.

You got it?

I think I need an agent.

I guess those
contracts I signed

for those commercials said that
I waived my right to residuals

in exchange for a lifetime
supply of Yeast-I-Stat.

(scoffs) Though I don't
know whose toxic vagina

would need that
much of that stuff.

I mean, if you're
producing that much yeast,

you should probably
start a bakery.


Are you ready for me?

Sorry. What is Lady Hummel
doing here?

and I need some seed cash
to start my Madonna cover band.

You guys, this is so great.

I feel like I'm on Smash,
season one.

Well, enjoy it while it lasts,

because soon you'll be
dumping us to play Fanny Brice.

Oh, no, that ship has sailed.

If I got it,
I would have heard by now.

Rachel, be positive!

I am positive, okay?

My whole life,
I've been looking

to be a part of something
special to feel special,

but the truth is,
is that I am special, okay?

And I don't need producers
to tell me that.

I'm gonna play this part,
and if it's not

in this production,
then that is their loss.

Isn't it amazing
how life seems so easy

when you just don't give a fart?

I mean, look at this.

Hummel is getting married,

Berry is just
full of confidence,

and I finally have a girlfriend

who I don't have to worry about
straying for penis.

Then let's make a pledge:
we stay in this town together

for two years, all right?

For soaring success
or miserable failure.

None of us bail

until then, okay, no matter what.

Okay. Pinky swear.

Come on.

Put those long fingernails
in there.


(mimics explosion)

Someone in booth 14

is looking for the short one.


I take this.

Gunther, that's my Yeast-I-St...

What the hell?

Mr. Campion.

Do you have
any whole cakes, Rachel?

Just a whole cake?

Mm-hmm. I'd like one.


But I need you to write
something on it for me.

Can you do that?


I want you to write, mm...

"Congratulations, Rachel Berry.
You are Fanny Brice."

(voice breaks):
Are you serious?

Are you serious?!


Oh, my God! Really?!

Thank you so much! Thank you!

I got Fanny!

Oh, my God!
Thank you!

I got it!

I got it!
She got the part?

I got it! I got it!
Whoo! Whoo!



Thank you so much!
I got it! Yeah!

I can't wait to take this off!

(The Beatles'
"Let It Be" playing)

♪ When I find myself
in times of trouble ♪

♪ Mother Mary comes to me

♪ Speaking words of wisdom

♪ Let it be


♪ And in my hour of darkness

♪ She is standing
right in front of me ♪

♪ Speaking words of wisdom

♪ Let it be

♪ Let it be, let it be

♪ Let it be, let it be ♪

♪ Whisper words of wisdom

♪ Let it be

♪ And when
the brokenhearted people ♪

♪ Living in the world agree

♪ There will be an answer

♪ Let it be

♪ For though
they may be parted ♪

♪ There is still a chance
that they will see ♪

♪ There will be an answer

♪ Let it be...

♪ Let it be, let it be

♪ Let it be, yeah, let it be

♪ There will be an answer

♪ Let it be

♪ Let it be, let it be

♪ Let it be, yeah, let it be

♪ Whisper words of wisdom

♪ Let it be...

♪ Ooh...

♪ And when the night is cloudy

♪ There is still a light
that shines on me ♪

♪ Shine until tomorrow

♪ Let it be

♪ I wake up
to the sound of music ♪

♪ Mother Mary comes to me

♪ Speaking words of wisdom

♪ Let it be...

♪ Let it be, let it be

♪ Let it be, yeah, let it be

♪ There will be an answer

♪ Let it be...

♪ Let it be, let it be

♪ Let it be, yeah, let it be

♪ Whisper words of wisdom

♪ Let it be...

(song ends)

(all cheering)