Glee (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Glee - full transcript

A new foreign exchange student, Rory Flanagan, enrolls at McKinley and crashes with Brittany S. Pierce, who thinks he's a leprechaun. Meanwhile, Mercedes attempts to recruit new members to join Shelby Corcoran's newly formed Glee club and Sue's congressional campaign heats up.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Here's what you missed on Glee:
Shelby's back with Beth,

and she's starting her own
show choir at McKinley.

Mercedes is on board
because she's tired

of Rachel and the Glee Club.
I've outgrown you.

But Quinn's only playing nice

so she and Puck
can get the baby back.

Kurt, Rachel and Brittany
are all

running for senior class

and Sue's running
for Congress so she

can cut funding
for glee clubs everywhere.

And that's what you missed
on Glee.

Top o' the mornin', Brittany.

Okay, first of all,
you look magical and amazing,

but I don't understand
what you're saying.

So if you want
to make it in this land,

you really need
to speak English.

How's your first day
of school? It's grand.

Hey, Irish.

Wait. Other people can see you?

But only because you
let them see you.

That's right.

I've thought
about it a lot,

and I know what I want
as my first wish.

Your magical race,

they make my favorite
cereal, Lucky Charms.

I really wish
that you

would make me a box
of Lucky Charms

with all marshmallows.
You're in luck.

Lucky the Leprechaun
happens to be my cousin.

And he lives two
toadstools down.

Thank you.

Though I don't understand
most of what you just said.

Work on it.

Go back to Mexico.


Hi. We got you something.

Concealer? To help with the bags.

Don't get us wrong,
Ms. Corcoran.

I mean, you are still

the most tappable teacher
at McKinley, by far.

You've been
looking tired.

Which makes sense.
You're a single mother.

You've relocated.
You have a new job.

It's no wonder
you've stopped working out.

Let us babysit Beth
for a couple of hours,

any night your choosing,
for some me time.

Have you ever
babysat before?

Mmm. Ask Mr. Shue.

We took care of

his sister-in-law's
three demon spawn,

and they were
practically purring

by the end
of the night.


You said you wanted us
to get to know Beth.

I got a bee in my bonnet,

and that bee's name
is government waste.

Earlier today,
I saw a state employee

in the person
of one Verna the lunch lady

throw away 300 pounds of
precious, expired turkey gravy

simply because Uncle Sam said

there were too many
weevils in it.

Well, you know what
has no expiration date, voters?

My rage.

I have in my hand the budget

for the McKinley High production
of West Side Story,

a musical about a race war
that glorifies gang violence,

yet still seems
extraordinarily gay.

This is a top secret
document, Ohio,

and we're opening it up tonight.

$2,004, Ohio.

That's a year's salary
for a public school math teacher

wasted on fake switchblades

and the soft packing
of teen dance belts.

If this nation wants to impress
its future Chinese overlords,

we need to get
our priorities straight.

And that's why I encourage
every Ohioan

to call McKinley High School
and sing them this song.

"I'm fed up and angry, too,

and I agree with Candidate Sue. "

And that's how Sue... sees it.

McKinley High.
Please hold.

McKinley High. Please hold.
McKinley High. Please hold.

You can't just cut the musical.

Sue's pom-pom budget
is $4,000 a month.

Can't put a price
on cheer, William.

I really expected more
from you, Figgins.

I thought you
were a friend of the arts.

William, I'm caught
between a rock and a different,

yet equally hard, rock.

Just this morning,

I was assaulted
in the parking lot.

You! My son can't read,

and you want him
to sing and dance?

The Clinton years are over.

We're in a
recession, William,

that's about to double-dip
into a piping hot

Crock-Pot of voter fury.

And if this school doesn't
learn some priorities,

well, come November,

the voters will gladly
teach you some.

What if I can get
the money myself?

Ha. Good luck with
that, William.

The arts are going down.

Today the musical,

tomorrow the Glee Club.

Next week, NPR and opera
and brunch and Tom Bergeron.

Hi, Santana.

How many solos did you get
in Glee Club last year?

A few.

One: "Valerie. "

And I loved it.

I was also the lips
in Rocky Horror.

Listen, if you and I
were in Shelby's group,

we'd get all the
solos and the duets.

Our voices sound
amazing together.

Plus, it's an all-girl group.

Why would I care about all-girl?

It's all lady power
all the time.

I mean, Shelby's
a great teacher.

I'm... I'm hitting notes
I didn't even know existed.

She gets me-
what I have to give.

It feels good.

You know, honestly,
I wish I could, but...

somebody's got to look out
for Brittany.

I mean, that special place
where she lives,

yeah, it's
beautiful, but...

someone's got to help her
cross the street.

I could never
just leave her.

Get her to
come with you.

You know what,
girl Chang?

If you cry every time
someone gets a hangnail,

it kind of starts to lose
its effect.

It's not a hangnail.

Mercedes was one of Glee's
original members.

I feel naked in here without
her. Yeah, well, get used to it,

'cause without her
singing for us,

we're going to have
to perform naked

for the judges to vote for us
at Sectionals.

No. I will not let this setback
crush our spirits.

I mean, we have handled worse.

Than losing one
of our best singers?

Kind of hard not to blame you,
Mr. Shue.

Think you were too hard on her
at Booty Camp.

I blame Artie.

Why couldn't you have just
given Maria to Mercedes?

Because that would
have damaged

my integrity as an artist.

Sorry I am late.

I was putting up
posters for my...

for my campaign.

Did you airbrush out your jowls?

No. Look, let's stop it, everybody.

So we lost a singer.

So they canceled the musical.

Wait, what?
No, no, no, no.

You can't cancel my musical.

Sue cut the funding.

The point is, right now,
we shouldn't

be turning on each other.
I agree.

I can only speak from my
experience with the Warblers,

but no show choir is just
one person; it's a team.

When we lost a Warbler, we just
replaced him with another one.

Which is easy when your
waiting list has a waiting list.

Dude, I know you're
a big deal at Dalton

or whatever, but we don't
wear blazers here,

so have a seat-
I'm trying to give a pep talk.

Didn't you just say
something about us

not turning on each other?

No, you can't cancel my musical.

Okay? I was considering
changing my name to Maria.

The musical is not canceled.

As for Mercedes, yes,
that is a huge loss for us,

but we will deal
with replacing her later.

Right now, we need to focus
on putting on this musical.


We sell ads in the program.

I figure we
can get ten,

maybe 20 bucks
apiece for them.

So we'll only have
to sell about 200.

Well, I think it's
a brilliant idea.

And I volunteer myself
to spearhead the charge.

It'll give me a great
opportunity to, uh, bust out

my Banana Republic
Mad Men collection.

Okay. All right.
Let's break off

into smaller groups, figure out
who's going to canvass

which parts of the city.
And guys, I don't care

what Sue does or who leaves us-

everyone in this
group's dreams

are going to come
true this year.

Let's do it.
Hey, Santana.

Ready to help out the team?

Yeah, of course. Why?

Just checking.


Finn Hudson.
You know who I am?

I've seen you on YouTube,
losing Glee Club Nationals

after tongue-kissing
your girlfriend for ten minutes.

I'm a big, big fan.


At ease.

So... who are you?
Me name's Rory Flanagan.

I'm a foreign exchange
student from Ireland.

And I love everything
about America,

especially NASCAR,
your half-black president

and Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Yeah. Cool. Me, too.

I'm staying at the home
of Brittany S. Pierce,

and she thinks
I'm a leprechaun.

Yeah, she's kind of like
Rain Man with boobs.

She said if I grant her
three wishes,

I can get into
her pot of gold.

So I'm pretending to be
a leprechaun.

Her first wish was for
an all-marshmallow box

of Lucky Charms.

I really want to snog her.

I'm still a virgin.

Have you made any friends yet?

Not really,
except for Brittany.

I'm really lonely, you know?

I thought America was all about
different unique people

coming together
and accepting one another.

That's a pretty old
brochure, dude.

I could really use
some more friends.

Would you be my friend, Finn?

Whoa, whoa.
It would be an honor.

In America, dudes don't
ask dudes to be their friends.

Except on Facebook, but even
then, it can take years.


I'll be your friend.

But first, you
got to help me.

One of the best singers in
Glee Club quit recently,

and there's talk of
more defections.

You're staying at
Brit's house, right?

If you hear anything,
let me know.

I will.
All right.

No problem.

See you around.

Finn Hudson-
that's Irish, right?

Nah. Nah, my mom's from Toledo.

Okay, uh, I got my iPod,
my cell phone.

You have my number?

You wrote it on my hand.

Okay. Okay.

All right, honey.
I'm going to go.

I'll be back soon, okay?
Give Mama a kiss.

If she gets upset,
you just do a little

"Itsy Bitsy Spider. "
She loves that.

It's okay, boo-boo.

It's okay.

Mommy will be
right back, okay?

It's okay. She'll stop
as soon as I leave.

I know she'll
stop, okay?

So don't worry.
Thank you guys so much.

Okay. I really
appreciate it.

Have a good run.

"Itsy Bitsy Spider," guys.
It's okay.

Here. Let me take her.

She likes me.

It's okay. Big Daddy's got you.

What are you doing?

Proving that Shelby
is an unfit mother.

First we plant the stuff,
then we call child services.

Starting in
the bathroom.

Let's put you down.

Baby botulism.

Saw this lady on TV who
made her kid's forehead

as smooth as his butt.

People practically
lynched her.

You don't think she's
going to notice?

She's only sleeping
four hours a night.

She barely knows her name.

Baby sacrifice makes me sad.

What's wrong with Shelby
eating Mexican?

Is that, like,
a boob milk thing?

It's illegal to give hot sauce
to babies.

This mom used to put a drop

on her kid's tongue
when he was bad.

She went to jail for a year.

Jail seems a little extreme.

Shelby's a good mom.

Do you want our baby back
or not?

Yeah, I do.

Hey, Dad.

I wanted to show
you my program

for McKinley's production
of West Side Story.

It's inspired by my
favorite 1920s musicals.

Sounds great, Kurt.

Some reason you're showing this
to me right now?

I was hoping that you
might be interested

in purchasing some ad space
to help save the show.

Save the show?
We lost the funding.

We're hoping to sell
enough ad space

to cover the cost
of the show.

They're only ten dollars each.

And I've already talked
to the Lima Mortuary Society

about buying a couple, and
we... we need about 200.

You fund
Sue's cheerleading squad,

but you can't find
a couple grand for the musical?

Figgins, allow me
to introduce you

to some friends of mine
down at the Rotary Club.

These are the owners of
Lima's three funeral parlors.

Well, strictly speaking,
mine is a pet funeral parlor.

And mine is a crematorium.

So we also bake and deliver
delicious brick oven pizza.

These three businessmen
wrote a check today

to fund West Side Story
in completion,

and are now assured
full-page ads

in the program for the musical.

I'm a big fan of the show,

just because there are
so many deaths in it.

So, Will, unless I'm mistaken,

I think this means
the show is back on.

Burt, I think
you're right.

Gentlemen, thank
you so much.

Appreciate it. Really
appreciate your generosity.

All right, thank you.
Thank you.

Burt, I can't
thank you enough.

Hey. Sue!

Just thought I'd let you know
we got the money,

so the musical's back on.

Why, if it isn't
Porcelain's dad,

who may or may not
have a baboon heart.

I thought I smelled blue collar.

Just so you know,
after the musical's done,

I'm going to organize
as much money as I can

to make sure
you don't get elected.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold up there,

cheese grits.

You mess with me,
I will Temple of Doom

my fist through
your chest

and pull out your still-pumping
artificial heart

which I will then
hook up to my car,

power us down
to the lumberjack convention

for some deep discounts on
the Midwest's largest selection

of ill-fitting

Bullies don't have
a very good track record

of messing with the Hummels.

I heard, and I am literally
horny with fear.

You know, you might want
to sneak a handful of

Will Schuester's patented
Butter-Flavored Follicle Cream,

put some on your melon.

That way, you don't have to keep

wearing those baseball caps that
are fooling absolutely no one.

Don't know how she does it.

I would just like to see
that woman lose, just once.

No, Mummy, America's wonderful.

I've made a ton of friends.

No, I haven't met
Colin Farrell yet, Ma.


One all-marshmallow box
of Lucky Charms, as requested.

This is magic.

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much,
Rory Leprechaun.

You know, now
you're only, like,

two wishes away
from getting my pot of gold.

I have another
story to tell you.

Every night, I feed Lord
Tubbington nougat and sprinkles,

and then I rub his belly seven
times with glitter sticks,

but so far
nothing works.

You do that because...?

I want Lord Tubbington
to poop candy bars.

What? Does everybody
wish for that or something?

Brittany, I was wondering

if maybe you'd like
to do dinner tonight?

Oh, I can't.

I have plans
with a friend.

And you're not supposed
to eat anything

but four-leaf clovers
anyways, so...


♪ It's not that easy
being green ♪

♪ Having to spend each day
the color of the leaves ♪

♪ When I think
it could be nicer ♪

♪ Being red or yellow or gold ♪

♪ Or something much more
colorful like that ♪

♪ It's not that easy
being green ♪

♪ It seems you blend in with
so many other ordinary things ♪

♪ And people
tend to pass you over ♪

♪ 'Cause you're not standing out
like flashy sparkles ♪

♪ In the water
or stars in the sky ♪

♪ But green's the color
of spring ♪

♪ And green can be cool
and friendly-like ♪

♪ And green can be big
like an ocean ♪

♪ Or important like a mountain
or tall like a tree ♪

♪ When green is
all there is to be ♪

♪ It could make you wonder ♪

♪ But why wonder, why wonder? ♪

♪ I'm green and it'll do fine ♪

♪ And it's beautiful ♪

♪ And I think
it's what I want to be. ♪


I want to talk
about, um,

you know, that thing
that we never talk about.

What, that Sour Patch Kids
are just

Gummi Bears
that turned to drugs?

Are we dating, or what?

Wait, isn't this a date?

Aren't you paying?
'Cause I ordered shrimp.

Wasn't last week when we were
taking a bath together,

wasn't that a date?

Are you crying?

It's just that I'm really happy.

Well, I told you last year

that if I'm single
and you're single,

that we'd mingle.

And if there's any controversy
that interferes

with my presidential campaign,
then I'll use

one of my leprechaun wishes
to win the election.

You-You think that Great Gazoo
kid is a leprechaun?

Well, yeah. Rory's from Ireland.

That means he's, like,
made of magic.

Don't you have any wishes

that you really, really
want to come true?

Yeah, I do.

I'm thinking of joining
Shelby's new show choir.

If I did, would
you join me?

I'm so sick of always being
backup to Rachel Berry.

I want to shine and be seen
as the star that I am.

But I won't join without you.

I don't really want
to be known as a quitter.

Doesn't my presidential campaign
need continuity?

Can I think about it
for, like, a day?


No, totally. I understand.

Yeah, just think about it.

But in the meantime,

I do have one more wish.


I wish you'd hold my hand.

But, like, under
the napkin.

Global warming is awesome.

All those melting ice caps keep
my pool cleaning business open

from March
through Thanksgiving.

I do my part by
revving my truck's engine

every day and never
getting a smog check.

Business is booming.

I've gone from
three pools to ten.

I've even got an assistant now.

I found a quarter
and a dead raccoon.

Nice work, Pony.

You can keep the raccoon.


And then there's the ladies.

I like them
in all shapes and sizes.

And, yeah, that sometimes
includes extra large.

But what really makes my nipple
ring twitch are the cougars.

That sun-kissed leathery skin
means that

they've done the nasty
in all sorts of exotic places

like Florida or New Mexico.


why don't you ditch the kid

and come on back?

I need some help
with a clogged pipe.

Sure thing,
Mrs. Figler.

Oh, hey, did I show you
a picture of my baby?

She's so cute.

You know what?

Why don't you just
send Pony in?

No problem.

Yeah, I live large
and dream big.

But the problem with dreams
is there's always some naysayer

ready to crap all over them.

How many pools
are there in Lima?

I don't know- 25, 30?

You need to quit messing around
and get a real job.

Do you have any idea how much
it costs to raise a child?

I called Child Protective
Services, and they're backed up,

but we should have our baby back
within, like. two weeks.

Holy crap, I can't believe
you actually called them.

Everybody has their big plans-

colleges, New York,

even you have your stupid
pool cleaning business.

I mean, what do I have?

Beth is perfect.

She's my perfect thing.

Something even
I can't screw up.

Do you know how hard it is
to do something perfectly?

I'll never get the chance again.

So even if I never leave this
town or accomplish anything...

I'll have her to call mine.

Puck. Hi.


I was talking to
my condo manager,

and he's looking
for a pool boy.

It's an indoor pool,
so it could be a year-round job.

If you're interested,
I could give you a card.


Thanks, Shelby.

You're welcome.

He knows about my leprechaun.

Okay, everyone, I have
some very exciting news.

Due to the collective spirit
of this club- particularly

the hard ad sales work of Kurt
and the generosity

of the entire
Hummel-Hudson household-

it's my pleasure to announce
that we have raised the money

to do West Side Story this year.

All right!

Good job, everyone.
Great job.

Thank you and
thank you.

Blaine, you actually had
something you wanted to say,

Yes, I did.

I just wanted to acknowledge
that we've all had

a really rough week,
what with Mercedes leaving.

So I prepared a little something

to show what Mr.
Shue just said-

that the magic is still here.

So this is to remind us

of what Glee is all about,
which is just fun.

♪ There's a stranger in my bed,
there's a pounding in my head ♪

♪ Glitter all over the room,
pink flamingos in the pool ♪

♪ I smell like a minibar,
DJ's passed out in the yard ♪

♪ Barbie's on the barbecue,
this a hickey or a bruise? ♪

♪ Pictures of last night
ended up online ♪

♪ I'm screwed ♪

♪ Oh, well ♪

♪ It's a blacked-out blur ♪

♪ But I'm pretty sure it ruled ♪

♪ Damn ♪

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, we danced on tabletops ♪

♪ And we took too many shots ♪

♪ Think we kissed,
but I forgot ♪

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, we maxed
our credit cards ♪

♪ And got kicked out
of the bar ♪

♪ So we hit the boulevard,
last Friday night ♪

♪ We went streaking in the park,
skinny-dipping in the dark ♪

♪ Then had a ménage à trois,
last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, I think
we broke the law ♪

♪ Always say
we're gonna stop, whoa ♪

♪ This Friday night ♪

♪ Do it all again ♪

♪ This Friday night ♪

♪ Do it all again ♪

♪ Do it all again ♪


♪ TGIF, whoo! ♪

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, we danced on tabletops
and we took too many shots ♪

♪ Think we kissed
but I forgot ♪

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, we maxed
our credit cards ♪

♪ And got kicked
out of the bar ♪

♪ So we hit the boulevard ♪

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ We went streaking
in the park ♪

♪ Skinny-dipping in the dark ♪

♪ Then had a ménage à trois ♪

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, I think
we broke the law ♪

♪ Always say we're gonna stop ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ This Friday night ♪

♪ Do it all again. ♪

You guys, that song is amazing.

I think we should do
it for Sectionals!

So... no concerns about
showcasing any other voices

this year at the competition?

Oh, come on, Santana.

You were featured last
year at Sectionals.

Yeah, I know. And we won.

Oh! No, you know what?
I get it.

Since Mercedes is gone
this year, it's going to be

the Blaine and Rachel show.

Yay! You all
know it's true.

Good to know.

Thank you, Santana.

Do not even think about talking

for the next
30 seconds, okay?

Nod so I know
you understand me.

Good. Here's the deal,

You've got a crush
on my girl Brittany.

I understand.

She's beautiful,
she's innocent,

she's everything that's good

in this miserable, stinking
world- do you agree?

Nod. Good.

Also, she thinks you're
a spritely, green

mythological creature,

but I know you're a
potato-eating poser,

but since Brittany likes
having a pet Irish,

I'm not gonna explode you.
Here's what's gonna go down.

Leprechaun, starring
a young Jen Aniston,

is my favorite movie.
It learned me two things:

One: leprechauns like fixing

shoe buckles because
they're gay.

And two: they grant wishes.

So you're gonna
grant me a wish.

What are you doing?


What are you doing?

Lord Tubbington snuck out,
and I found him at Arby's.

How did you get into my room? I blinked.


I made your wish come true.


Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!
You did it, leprechaun!


Which means...

I'm just one wish away from
your pot of gold. Right?



Lord Tubbington's poops
are crispy and delicious.

Brittany, I've got
something to tell you.

You're not the only one who
knows about me. What do you mean?

Santana found out
about my secret,

and she only had one wish.

Okay, what was it?

She wished for you to
leave the New Directions

and join the all-new
girls' singing group.

I don't know what to do.
I love the Glee Club,

and I don't want to
abandon my friends, but...

if you wish on a leprechaun,
it has to come true.

And with just one wish, it
definitely has to come true.

Why couldn't she have
just wished for

Lord Tubbington
to quit smoking?

That's it, then. I have to
leave the New Directions.

Hey, Burt?

Hey, Schuester.


Finally came in to
get that muffler fixed?

Uh, no. It's kind of my
signature piece.

Listen, I really want to

thank you for what you
did for the musical.

It's about time
someone stood up to Sue.

You came all the way down here to
tell me that? I got a phone, you know.

You are an impressive guy, Burt.

Sue is winning votes

by feeding off all
the anger and the fear

in the country right now.
What do you want, Schuester?

Someone needs to
run against her.

Why don't you do it?

Because I promised the kids
that I would be there

for them all year.

Besides, if an art
teacher runs against her

it looks like I'm just
trying to protect my job.

We need someone who is
a man of the people,

a working man who
voters can relate to.

When that guy says the
arts are worth saving,

people might listen.

That guy sounds like a good
dude. I'd vote for him.

I'm talking about you.

I'm way ahead of you.

I had Carole check out
the election rules.

I'm too late to
get on the ballot,

but I can still run as
a write-in candidate.

Yeah, some chick
in Alaska won

doing it last year. Her name was
way harder to spell than Hummel.

Wait, are you serious?

I mean, you- you
really want to do this?

Your Glee Club saved
my kid's life. All right?

I mean, turns out art
can do that, you know?

And whether it's through
singing or dancing

or painting
a freaking picture...

I want to be your
campaign manager.

Well, Kurt already
claimed the gig,

but I guess he's gonna need
some adult supervision, so...

welcome aboard.

That's right.


Come on, baby...

Shh, shh, shh, shh...

It's okay.

There you go.

Hold on, baby.

What is it, Puck?

Um, I just wanted to
come by and say thank you,

for recommending me for the
pool cleaning job. I got it.

Oh. That's great.

Not a lot of people
believe in me, and...

Means a lot to me that you do.

Okay, not a problem. Just...

It's just really
bad timing right now.

Okay, baby.

You mind if I
utilize your commode?

My tank's on full,
if you know what I mean.


It's okay, baby.

Okay, honey.

All right.
It's okay.

I know. I know
you're tired. I know.

I know.
You're so tired.

Okay, honey. Okay.

Okay, okay.
No, no, no, Puck.

You know, I, just, I know
you're trying to help,

but I'm really overwhelmed right
now, could you just-just...

you have to go, okay?

She's really into me.

Look. You'll see.

♪ So long ♪

♪ I've been looking too hard ♪

♪ I've been waiting too long ♪

♪ Sometimes I don't know ♪

♪ What I will find ♪

♪ I only know
it's a matter of time ♪

♪ When you love someone... ♪

♪ Maybe I'm wrong ♪

♪ Won't you tell me if
I'm coming on too strong? ♪

♪ This heart of mine
has been hurt before ♪

♪ This time I wanna be sure ♪

♪ I've been waiting ♪

♪ For a girl like you ♪

♪ To come into my life ♪

♪ I've been waiting ♪

♪ For a girl like you ♪

♪ And a love that will survive ♪

♪ Yeah, waiting ♪

♪ For a girl like you ♪

♪ To come into my life... ♪

It's everything I wanted.

To be a mom.


it's just so
damn hard.

Hard to do it alone.

The mess, the stickiness,

the... the crying...

Books about ducks wearing
yellow rubber boots...

it's all of it
by myself, you know?

But the hardest part
isn't any of that stuff.

It's when the amazing
things happen.

It's when Beth first stood.

I just wanted to be
able to look over, and...

and share that moment with
someone that loves her

just as much as I do.

But... no one's there.


If you ever need any help...

I'm here for you.


Finn! I've got top-secret intel,
and you're not gonna like it.

Is it true?
No. Of course not.

You're not leaving
New Directions?

Oh. I thought you
were talking about

the Selena Gomez
pregnancy rumors.

Uh... yes. I'm quitting
Glee Club. We need you!

We're like a big family, and
this is our year to win it all!

That's right, Double-Stuffed-

We are just one, big,
happy-happy family.

Santana, stay out of this...

You are such a
bacon-wrapped-bugeyed hypocrite.

It's freaking hilarious how
jealous of Blaine you are.

Every time he opens his
dreamboat acapella mouth,

you're just itching to kick
him right in the Warblers.

Brittany, we can't survive
any more defections.

And I know you
don't want to leave.

No, I know.
It's just that Santana,

she made a wish on
Rory my leprechaun...

Brittany, there's no such
thing as leprechauns.

And all that stuff about
Santa being real last year

was cute, but this
leprechaun crap?

I mean, at some point you just gotta
grow up and stop being such an idiot.

What did you just call me? Brittany,
I didn't mean it... like that...

Yeah. All the guys in
Glee Club call me that.

And you're the leader, so that
makes you the worst of them all.

You cannot call your
future president an idiot.

It's mean, it's bullying,
and I won't accept it.

Hey, Mercedes, wait up!


Okay. So who else is in this
girl group besides us?

Okay! All finished.

You are nowhere
near finished.

You made me look 26. I asked
you to make me look 22.

Uh, excuse me, sweetie.

Susan, we have a problem.

You're a candidate for office,
so campaign law says

we have to give your new
opponent equal time.

What new opponent?

Hi, folks.

My name is Burt Hummel, and
I want to be your congressman.

Now, Sue Sylvester, she's
gotten a lot of mileage,

coming on this show and
scaring you into thinking

that a high school
putting on a musical

is the reason why your
neighbor's house got

foreclosed on. Now, what
she doesn't tell you is how

she spends twice the entire
McKinley High School Arts budget

on things like leg-warmers
for her Cheerios.

She wants you to think that
the arts are a luxury

we just can't afford,
but she's got it backwards.

You know, in this economy, art,
music, theatre, dance,

these are things we can't afford
to lose.

Now, Sue Sylvester thinks that
fostering a student's creativity

is a waste of money.

I think it's the way you invest
in this country's future.

We all need to get creative.

You got an idea how we can boost
jobs in this district?

I want to hear it.

You send it to Hummel Tires
and Lube- Lima, Ohio.

And if you think I'd make
a better representative

for this community
than Sue Sylvester,

write in Burt Hummel.

Just don't let Sue
shortchange our kids.

My name is Burt Hummel.

And that's how I see it.

Motta Mia.

Tomato, To-Motta.


Awesome, more back-up for me.

Oh, okay, you know what? I did
not just leave one diva-driven

Glee Club to join another.

So let me write you a reality
check, Richie Bitch.

I've seen what you can do,
and what you can do is

stand in the back, sway,
and sing very, very quietly.

I, um... just wanted to be
on the winning team for once.

Then turn down the 'tude,
and you will be.

Ladies. Welcome.

We were just brainstorming
names for our new group.

Hot Bitches.

Or Hot Messes.
Free Beer.

Uh, okay, I was thinking
something that more captured

our essence, sums up who we
want to be, who we really are.

What we are is trouble
for the other groups.

The Troubletones... I like it.

That's good.

I like that, too.

♪ Tarzan and Jane were swingin'
on a vine ♪

♪ Candyman, Candyman ♪

♪ Sippin' from a bottle of vodka
double wine ♪

♪ Sweet... sugar... candy man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, yeah ♪

♪ I met him out for dinner
on a Friday night ♪

♪ He really had me working up
an appetite ♪

♪ He had tattoos up and down
his arm ♪

♪ There's nothing more dangerous
than a boy with charm ♪

♪ He's a one-stop shop,
makes the panties drop ♪

♪ He's a sweet-talkin',
sugar-coated candy man ♪

♪ Sweet... sugar... candy man ♪

♪ He's a one-stop, gotcha-hot,
making all the panties drop ♪

♪ Sweet... sugar... candy man ♪

♪ He's a one-stop, got me hot,
making my... uhh-uhh ♪

♪ Sweet... sugar... candy man ♪

♪ He's a one-stop, get it while
it's hot, baby, don't stop ♪

♪ Sweet... sugar... ♪

♪ He had those lips
like sugar cane ♪

♪ Good things come for boys
who wait ♪

♪ He's a one-stop shop,
with a real big... uhh... ♪

♪ He's a sweet-talkin',
sugar-coated candy man ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Candy man ♪

♪ Candy man ♪

♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Candy man ♪

♪ Candy man! ♪

Now that's what
I'm talking about.

Man, this is trouble.

Big trouble.

Seriously, Sectionals should just give us the trophy;
you know it's ours.


I saw you guys perform,
and it was incredible.

I don't want it to
be this way, but...

I understand. I just... want
what's best for all of you.

Brit, I need to apologize.

What I said wasn't cool.

I don't want to ruin
our friendship.

Any of our friendships.

I accept your apology.


Um... I guess I'll see
you guys around.


Bye, Finn.

Be nice.

Brittany, Brittany.

Your third wish has come true.

You wished that by quitting Glee Club,
you wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings,

and Finn was all
happy and smiling.


I'm ready for my pot of gold.

Okay, no, my wish
didn't come true.

He wasn't smiling
because he was happy.

He was heartbroken.

Leprechauns don't exist;
I realize this now.

It would be really cool
if they did, but they don't.

Oh, I have one final wish,

Would you do this whole school
a favor, and just disappear?

So, anyways, I know this
happened really fast, I figured

you might have some questions.
I mean, I got some questions...

Yeah. Um, if we
win, what happens?

Do we just move
to Washington?

Well, it'd be, you know,
maybe, half and half.

But you know, Kurt's gonna
be in college and you know,

you're gonna be...
technically an adult, too.

You know, on a football
scholarship or... I don't know.

I'm going to need a lot of
help at the tire shop.

Like... running it?

Only if that's something
you want.

This should be good for all of
us, not just for Burt and me.

But for now, we need
to support your dad.

Pretty quiet over there.

I want you to do this, Dad.
But think about the stress.

You were just in the
hospital, almost dead.

And Sue's going to make your life
a living hell. I know she will.

She's gonna have a field day with
this whole having a gay son thing.

I'm proud of you, Kurt.
Don't care who knows it.

And yeah. I almost died.

But a thing like that makes
you really realize what matters.

And when things are in the dumps like
this, you gotta stand up and fight.

Right? You understand.
You taught me that.

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt
family time.

I just wanted to welcome you
to the race.

And in celebration, I brought
you a Breadstix classic:

The Gutbuster Extreme.

It's on me. You know,
I really need to thank you.

Your Burt's Corner last night
was a real wake-up call.

You know, I'd
lost track of why

I wanted to run
in the first place.

And it wasn't about the arts.

It was about my sister.

So... you... you're not
cutting the arts program?

Sweet Porcelain, so naive.
Of course I'm cutting the arts.

You know what public school program
is the first to go in a recession?

Special Education.

There are special needs
kids at McKinley,

yet there's no special ed
classes, no special ed teacher.

I think that might be a better
use of school funds than flying

the Glee Club to New York
without a set list, only to lose

at Nationals with a song they
made up the night before.

Have a good aneurism.

Anyone mind if
I just dig in?

Say U2's over-rated. Say it. Never!

Hey! Leave him alone.

Or what, Pigskin? You're gonna
run crying to Mr. Shue?

Oh, I'm shakin'.

No. Not Mr. Shue.

Coach Beiste.

Thanks, Finn Hudson. I've
got no reason to expect you

to be nice to me after
I ruined your Glee Club.

I get it. You were just
trying to make friends.

I know it's not easy being the new kid
around school, not fitting in anywhere.

And when no one stood up for you,
I should have stood up for you.

Look, I'll tell you what: I
know you're not a leprechaun,

so, I'll grant you a wish.

Awful lot of empty chairs
in here. This is a disaster.

This is not the way that senior
year of Glee Club was supposed to be.

Look, guys, I know this is
gonna be hard.

This isn't how I pictured
starting out this year, either.

Then I guess we've got our work
cut out for us.

What happens when the pope dies?

Heaven, you'd think.

You get a new pope.

There's always new
talent to be found.

Always a new voice,
right, Mr. Shue?

Well, everybody, I'd like to
introduce my friend

Rory Flanagan. He's interested
in joining Glee Club.

Can this kid even sing?

I sing at Mass every Sunday,
and I love American music.

If you don't mind, I'd like to
dedicate this song

to my family,
who I miss so much.

♪ It's time for us to part ♪

♪ Yeah, it's best
for us to part ♪

♪ Oh, but I love you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Take care of yourself ♪

♪ I'll miss you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And no more tears to cry ♪

♪ I'm out of good-byes ♪

He's magical.

♪ It's time for us to part ♪

♪ Although it breaks my heart ♪

♪ Oh, 'cause I love you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Take care of yourself ♪

♪ Take care
of yourself ♪

♪ Take care of yourself ♪

♪ I love you. ♪

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