Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 4, Episode 4 - Designated Hitter - full transcript

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there
ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Okay, Andy. You ready?


This is him.

This is the guy
I've been telling you about.

74 years old,
he still has his own teeth.

I mean, this is everything
you'd want in a president.


Put this away.
You'll frighten him.

Well, there you go again, dad.


Waiting for Adam?

Adam who?

Adam Galardner, the boy you've
been walking to school with

every day
for the past week.

Oh, him. Yeah.

I think Adam's
a wonderful boy.

Yeah, well, he's really nice
and smart and funny.

And he likes baseball
as much as I do.

He's the boy I've been
looking for my whole life.

Only shorter.

We're going to the sixth-grade
dance together.

That's terrific, honey.

Yeah, well, it was really
romantic how it happened.

We were playing softball, and he
was catcher for the other team,

and I was on third.

I tried to score
on a ground ball,

but he was blocking
the plate.

I barreled into him,
and I asked him to the dance

as soon as he regained

That's how I met
your dad.

Come on, Alex, stop.

Come on, just help me out here,
will you?

Mom, dad,
make Alex leave me alone.

What's the problem?

There's no problem.

Look, I have to write
a paper on I.Q. tests

for my Psych class.

Now, I have to submit
two examples.

Now, I got
a smart example,

and now I need another one
for contrast.

I don't understand.

See? You'd be perfect.

Alex, I.Q. tests
are not an accurate measure

of a person's

Elyse, you and I took I.Q. tests
in college, remember?

I vaguely recall
I scored...

7 1/2 points
higher than you did.

As I said,
they're not accurate.

Mom, I, uh -
I sincerely beg to differ.

Statistics show that this new
Cosgrove-Roget I.Q. test

is accurate
to within five points.

I myself scored 137,

which is within a few points
of genius level.

This being an example
of the five-point variability.

Alex, I don't want to take
your stupid test.

It's not a stupid test,

It's an intelligence test.

if it were a stupid test,
you'd do well on it.

Look, there's no way
I'm gonna do this.

All right,
I'll give you 10 bucks.

Well, okay.
All right.

Give you the test after school,

Where is he?

Waiting for Adam?

Adam who?

Jen, come on, we all know
he's your boyfriend.

You got nothing to hide
from us.

We're family.
We support one another.

It's not - it's not like
we're gonna make fun of you

or anything.

Okay, I guess he's
sort of my boyfriend.


♪ Jennifer's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ Jennifer's got a boyfriend ♪

Alex, stop tormenting
your sister.

Mom, I just started.

Hi, Adam. Come on in.
Hey, Adam.

Hi, Adam.
Hi, everybody.

Uh, I got you
this new reds hat.

Oh, thanks.
That was very nice of you.


You ready to go,

Yep. Come on.

Pardon me.
Just, uh, drop by anytime, Adam.

Have fun.



Okay, get it out
of your systems.

Together: Aww!

He's so cute.
He's nice. Great height.

He's a perfect...

So, who do you think
is the best first baseman?

Uh, Steve Garvey.

Well, who do you think
is the best shortstop?


Jennifer Keaton.

In the Major Leagues.

Any league.

You excited about the dance,

Yeah. Are you?

I guess so.

what's the matter?

I'm just not a very good dancer,
that's all.

Neither am I.

What are we gonna do?

Let's bring our baseball mitts,
just in case.

Okay. But we have to
take them off before we dance.

Hey, kiddy.

I have a great idea.

Let's finish eating our lunches

We can't eat outside.

then let's just skip lunch.

what's wrong with you?

I've just suddenly
lost my appetite.


Hey, Galardner.

Just leave me alone,

Knock it off, Rick.

Hey, who's this, Galardner?
Your mother?

Very funny.

Let's go, Jennifer.

Where're you going,

Not scared of me,
are you?

Is that why you're never in
the same places I am, Galardner?

I asked you a question.

Oh, nice hat.

Let me see it.

All right, yeah?

Together: yeah.

I'm warning you, Rick.
Leave him alone.


Hey, tell your girlfriend
to get out of my way, Galardner.

Hold it right there.

Come on, Alex.

That's the fifth time
you've gone over my test.

I couldn't have done
that bad.

Mal -
Mallory, look, I'm -

I just got to go over these
figures one more time, okay?

Something must be wrong here.
My calculator must be broken.

All right, okay,
I'm gonna go upstairs

and go over these
one more time.

No. No, listen.
Hey, Alex.

I appreciate you trying
to spare my feelings.

But I want to know
my score.

Well, Mallory, you know,

I really don't think
you should torture yourself.



I got a 139!
You got a 137!

I'm two points smarter
than you are.

Now, Mallory,
don't jump to -

I mean,
you can't possib...

♪ I'm smarter than Alex

Mallory, give me…
No! What's the matter, Alex?

Afraid of my being
your intellectual superior?

Who wouldn't be, Mallory?

Mallory, give me that.

Hey, what's going on?

Look, mom, my I.Q. is
two points higher than Alex's.

No, it's not.

Don't pay any attention
to that.

I got to get to a phone.

No, not the phone!

No! Mallory.

Mallory, um,
I just…

I just didn't add up the figures

Poor math skills.

Mallory scored two points higher
than Alex on an I.Q. test.


What do you make of this,

Well, I guess
Mallory's brighter

than her grades at school
would indicate.

I always knew
she had my brain.

What do you mean,
your brain?

I-I meant our brain.

Our brain?

our collective brain.

Of which
you have custody.

Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

Hi, darling.

Listen, I have something
to tell you guys.

What is it?

I sort of got in trouble
at school today.

I sort of punched a guy
in the stomach.

And that's when you
sort of got into trouble?

Sort of.

Uh, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

The principal gave me this note
to take home.

He was in a bad mood
when he wrote that,

so take it
with a grain of salt.

Why did you hit
this boy?

he was a big creep.

And because he was
about to beat up Adam.

Well, you should've
known better, Jen.

You should have called
a teacher.

There weren't any around.


It says here you'll
have to stay a half an hour

after school
every day this week.

Why don't you go up
to your room?

We'll talk about this

And I'm sorry.

But he was a big jerk.

He had it coming.

Well - hm.

I hope she understands

the extreme gravity
of this situation.

Oh, I'm sure she does.

I wish I'd been there
to see it.

Hope she really decked
that creep.

It was wrong.
Oh, yeah.

All of that.
Yeah. Yeah.

Quite wrong.

Adam. Come on in.

I can't stay,
Mrs. Keaton.

May I speak
with Jennifer?

Yeah - Jennifer!
Come on down.

Hi, Adam.
Adam: Hi.

Hi, Adam.

Listen, you don't
have to thank me or anything.

I mean, it's over.

Let's just put this thing
behind us.

I just came by to tell you

to get someone else
to go to the dance with you,

'cause I never want to
see you again.

Y-yes, yes, I am quite sure
I administered

your Cosgrove-Roget test
correctly, sir.

Well, no, the purpose
of my call, sir, is this...

My sister...

Is a moron.

Yet your test labels her
as a genius.

Now, I would like to speak
to the head of your company.




The intelligence business
is full of idiots.

How you doing?
Just, uh, one more to go.



if you do well on this,

it'll prove the test
has no credibility.

All right.
Let's prove it.

According to this, Skip,

you have no I.Q.

Well, it's better than I did
the last time.

I don't know. Maybe I'm making
too much of this.

I mean, the test
is obviously incorrect, right?

I mean,
Mallory must realize that.

She's probably forgotten
about the whole thing by now.

Where'd you get that stuff,
Mallory, brains 'r' us?

Oh, Alexander.

Your, uh, quasi-clever remarks
are simply wasted

on someone
of my smartitude.


I need your advice.
I have boy troubles.

Adam still won't converse
with you?


Look, Jennifer,
maybe if you acted

more like the girl
he expects you to be,

he'd get over it sooner.

Well, how do I do that?

Well, here.

Oh, no.

You dropped your book.

Thank you.

don't mention it.

See, Jennifer.

That's all you have to do
to get Adam's attention.


The male species is enamored
by this kind of behavior.

It gives them
an exaggerated sense

of their own...

I've always felt
that way.

Mallory is totally wrong.

Now, perhaps her methods
of obvious manipulation

would work on somebody
of Skippy's intelligence.

Thank you.

But they won't work
on Adam.

Now, guys like Adam
and I -

"Adam and me."

Adam and me...

Know all about these silly games
that women play,

and we just humor them
to keep them happy.

Now, my advice to you

is just don't play games
and be yourself.

what you have here

are a couple
of conflicting opinions.

And I suggest you take the one
which emanated

from the more intelligent

Okay, all right.
That's it.

That is the last straw,

I challenge you to
an I.Q.-test rematch tomorrow

after school,
right here, 5:00.

I accept.

You know,
I could beat you

with one brain
tied behind my back.

Yeah, you and what army?

I want you, Mallory.

I want you!

Hi, Adam.

Long time no speak.


You dropped your books.


Come on, Adam.
This is ridiculous.

How could you do that
to me, Jennifer?

Everyone in the school
thinks I need a girl

to do my fighting for me.

Look, Adam, I know
how you feel.

But I wasn't trying
to make you look bad.

I just wanted to help you.

I mean, just because
I'm a fighter and you're not

doesn't mean
you should feel embarrassed.

I admire you
for being above violence.

I wish I was.

Hey, Galardner.

I see you got your bodyguard
with you.

She's not so tough now that
you're ready for her, Rick.

You said it.

Did I say you could go anywhere,

See, I don't like wimps
who have their girlfriends

do their fighting
for them.

I think you need somebody
to teach you a lesson.

You're not gonna hit me.

Oh? And why is that?

Because if you hit me,
you'll get in trouble

with the school
and your parents.

That'll make you
real mad,

and you'll probably
beat me up again

and get suspended,

maybe even sent
to reform school.

While you're there, you'll
probably try to escape.

They'll catch you
and put you away for life.

You could throw your whole life
away with just one punch.

You could still hit me.

But I don't think
you will.

You creep.

You'd better
hold her back.

I'm ready for her now,
and I'll kill her.

I'm not holding her back
for you.

I'm holding her back for me.

This is my fight.

Okay with me.
Let's go.

You're pretty tough,
aren't you, Rick?

Beating up girls and kids
that are smaller than you.

Kick any puppies
on your way to school?

A couple.

Go ahead.
Beat me up.

And if that doesn't satisfy you,
you can beat me up tomorrow

and the next day
and the day after that

till you get it out
of your stupid system.

Come on.
That's what you want, isn't it?

Aw, leave him alone,

Boy: come on,
he doesn't want to fight.


he's not worth my time.

Let's go, boys.


Just a minute.
Just a minute.

Okay. There.

add up the scores.

With pleasure.

Okay, Mallory, I assure you
this will prove to you,

once and for all,
who is the smartest.


I knew that.

Me knew that.

I knew that.



138 for me.


A hundred...and...


I got 140!

Hey, look. We took the test
again, and I did better again.


This can't be possible.

My world is crumbling around me.

It's no big deal, Alex.

You can adjust.

A person of, uh,
your intelligence

can still lead
a normal life.

He doesn't look good,

Lucky thing he's not
smart enough to know it.

Mom, dad.

I'm not...

Dumb, am I?


You're a nice boy, Alex.


Oh, cheer up, Jennifer.

What's there
to cheer up about?

I mean, Adam's
still not talking to me,

which means we're not going

to the sixth-grade dance

Well, I'm sorry
about that, honey,

but even so,
you should be happy for Adam.

He stood up
to those bullies.

Well, I guess so.

Okay, I'm not gonna
worry about it anymore.

I'm putting Adam Galardner
out of my mind once and for all.

It's Adam.

Hi, Adam. Come on in.

It's Adam. It's Adam.

Come on in, Adam.

Uh, Mrs. Keaton and I were
just going upstairs to, uh...

Install solar panels
on the roof.

The - the -
the roof.

Right. Right.

Uh, they didn't work very well
in the basement. Uh...

How you doing?
Oh, my, my, my.

Adam. Jennifer.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Look. Look.

I never got to thank you

for sticking up for me
the other day.

I mean, I know you only did it

You didn't want my face
to get smashed in.

But you stuck up for me
today, too.

I mean,
weren't you scared?


Yeah, a lot,

but I didn't want you
to know I was scared.

I couldn't tell.



Okay, I could tell.

But I don't care.


I like you, Adam.

Even if I'm not
a tough guy?

That's why I like you.

Look, if we're
gonna be friends,

we've got to get over
this boy-girl thing.

We can't get hung up
on this old-fashioned idea

of what a boy
is supposed to do

and what a girl
is supposed to do.

I agree.



I guess I'll see you


As - as long as we're speaking
to each other,

maybe we should celebrate
by going somewhere together.

You mean like the dance?

The dance -
what a nice idea.

That was so nice of you
to ask.

You always know
just what to say.