Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 4, Episode 15 - Fool for Love - full transcript

Ma and Jen hardly notice the mustache Alex grows for the homecoming speech as former valedictorian in Harding High-school. Skippy hopes Mal just uses Nick to make him jealous, but of course she refuses to go with him to the homecoming dance; the sweet pup is heart-broken but convinces Alex to find him a blind date, any human female will do- it's Dr. Sylvia Wagner, a divorced psychiatrist who is researching adolescent social life and sees him as a voluntary study subject, even for him no catch but they go, hoping absurdly to make Mallory a bit jealous. Nick hates anything involving ties or school, the ball is both. Alex's speech refers repeatedly to facial hair. After vague encouragement from Sylvia, Skippy picks a fight with patient Nick for Mallory, who rejects him since 18 years; grumpy principal Bidney blames both and Alex, who only tried to separate them...

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there
ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Stretch. Stretch. Stre...

Come on, Jen,
You're not stretching.

Mom, I can't stretch any more.
I'm not Gumby.

Look, you're not getting out
of this.

You are my running partner
when your dad's out of town.

Well, can't I just drive
alongside you?

Let's just go.


- Hi, hon.
- Hi.

Hey, Alex, you have some food
or something on your lip.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do.
It looks like a little smudge.

Let me wipe it off for you.

No, mom.

Mom, it's not a smudge.

It's a moustache.

Uh, no, it's not.
Let me wipe it off.

No, mom!
Mom, mom, mom.

It's a moust...
Look. Look, see?

Wait a second.

Oh, yeah. I-I think
I do see a couple of hairs.


See. See, look it.
There's one right there.

Jennifer, would you
get out of my light?

Come on.

Mr. Bidney, the principal
of the high school,

asked me to deliver
this year's homecoming address

at the dance next week.

And I just thought, as an older,

more mature
graduate of the school,

I should look the part.

That's all.

We didn't mean to make you
feel self-conscious.

Uh, actually, uh,
I think your moustache looks...

Looks nice.

It's amazing, isn't it?

I think
it's my body's way of saying,

"congratulations, Alex,
you're a man.

A hairy man."

- Oh, hello there, Alex.
- Hey, Skip.

I've got some great news.

You've, uh, got some dirt there
on your lip.

Skip, Skip, it's not dirt.

It's a moustache.

Oh, wow.
Where'd you get it?

Never mind. Okay?
Never mind.

Now, w-what was your, uh...
What was your great news?

Oh. Uh, after, uh, much thought
and serious deliberation,

I've decided to ask Mallory
to the homecoming dance.

What about Nick?

Nah, I think
I like Mallory better.

Come on, Skippy,
why do you torture yourself?

Mallory's not gonna go to
the homecoming dance with you.

She's in love with Nick.

No, no, no, Alex. Mallory
isn't really in love with Nick.

She's just using him
to make me jealous.

I love you, Nick.

Need I say more?

Hello there, Mallory.

Oh, hi.

Uh, hello, Nick.

How you doing there, buddy, huh?


- I'm sorry. You all right?
- It's okay, it's okay.

My mother can sew this arm
right back on.

I got to go, babe.
I'll see you later.

- Okay.
- Bye.


Uh, Mallory, wait a minute.

I'd like to ask you something.


Will you go to the homecoming
dance with me next week?

No, I won't go to the homecoming
dance with you next week.

Thanks for getting back to me
so fast.

And so, Harding seniors,

I stand before you
as a former graduate,

older and hairier.

No, no, that's no good.

Older, wiser...

And hairier.

Mom, do I have to go with you?

Honey, your father
is out of town.

I need your help.
You've got to fill in.

Mom, I don't know
how to play bridge.

Neither does your dad.

Okay, okay.
All right.

What... what is so funny?

Nothing. Nothing.

It has nothing to do
with your moustache.


Okay, okay. I don't know what
you're snickering about.

This moustache is flourishing.

As a matter of fact,
I think it needs a trim.

Oh, no. Please, you'll get hair
all over the place.

Hey, Skippy, Skippy.
Listen, I'm glad you're here.

I'm working on my speech,
and I think I got a joke here.

Let me bounce this off you.

Uh, since I graduated Harding,

I have grown older,

more mature,

and a moustache.

What do you think?


Okay, I'm not saying
it doesn't need work.

Oh, Alex, I'm sorry. I'm just...
I'm not in a laughing mood.

What's the matter, Skip?

Well, yesterday's tragedy
is weighing heavily on me.

But then, I'm sure
it's depressing you too, huh?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, it sure is, Skip.

What tragedy
are you referring to?

The one where Mallory won't go
to the homecoming dance with me.

Oh, yeah.
That tragedy.


Can't seem to get that
out of my mind.

I don't understand it.
I can't understand it.

What could Mallory possibly see
in Nick?

I-i mean, what could she see
besides what I see in Nick,

which is a fine, young, decent,

potentially lethal fellow.

Hey, uh, Skippy,

Mallory tells me you asked her
to the homecoming dance.

No. No, no, no, I...

I asked her for directions
to the homecoming dance.

Please, Nick,
y-you got to believe me.

Well, you know, I wouldn't have
minded if she said yes.

I mean, then that way I wouldn't
have to take her to this thing.

Come on, Nick.
We're gonna have a great time.

Oh, come on, Mallory, this dance
involves three things

I can't stand.

School, wearing a tie,

and school.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Alex, this is not fair.
I've known her longer.

I've loved her longer.

I live close.
I'm more convenient!

Women are funny that way, Skip.

I'll ask someone else
to the dance.

I mean, when Mallory sees me
with another girl,

she'll be so jealous she'll beg
me to come back to her.

That's a foolproof plan.

I don't see any flaws in it.

Do you think I'll be able to get
someone else

to go to the dance with me?

It's not mathematically

Look, Skip, there's a whole
world of women out there

just waiting
for a guy like you.


Find me one.


Come on, you just said there was
a whole world of women out there

waiting for a guy like me.

Not our world.

Come on, Alex, please.

Come on, I need your help here.

All right, Skip. Okay.
I'll help you with this one

but don't expect any miracles,
all right?

I don't, I don't.

All I ask is that she be female
and a human.

You're kind of
tying my hands here, seriously.

- Hey, Skip.
- Hey, Alex.

Hey, what are you
all dressed up for?

I've got a big date and, well,
I'm meeting her here.

Well, you look great.
She must be pretty special.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, she's special, Mrs. Keaton.

What's her name?

I don't know.

Syl... Sylvia. Sylvia.

Um, it's kind of a blind date
I arranged for Skippy.

We'll probably get married.

Well, when it's right,
you know it.

Oh, boy, Alex,
I'm real excited about this.

I mean, Mallory's gonna see me
with another girl,

and she'll be mine.

Now, uh, she's real pretty, huh?

She's, uh...

Well, she's sort of...



- Hello, Sylvia.
- Hello, Alex.

- Can I take your coat?
- Oh, thank you.

this is Skippy Handelman.

Skippy Handelman,
Sylvia Bogner.

Hello, miss Bogner.

That's Mrs. Bogner.
I'm divorced.

Well, uh, all right.

Hello, Mrs. Sylvia Bogner.

- I'm a doctor.
- Okay.

- Uh, Mrs...
- Doctor.

- Dr. Mrs. Sylvia Bogner.
- Mrs. Sylvia Bogner.

Shall we sit down?


Testing, one, two.
Testing, one, two.

Handelman, case number one.

Sylvia's a psychiatrist.

Yes, I come from a long line
of psychiatrists.

Oh. Oh, that's a coincidence

because I-I come from
a long line of patients.

Well, it's great that you two
have so much in common.

Yes, it's really nice of you

to help me out
on my project, Skippy.

Oh, no problem.
W-what project is that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I assumed Alex had told you

I'm writing for the
National Psychiatric Journal.

A study
of adolescent social life.

Alex told me you volunteered to
let me use you as a case study.

Alex, can I talk to you
privately for a minute, please?

W-would you mind excusing us
for a moment, uh, Mrs...


- Uh, Dr. Mrs. Sylvia Bogner?
- Mrs. Sylvia Bogner.

While you two are talking,
do you mind if I use the phone?

No, no. Help yourself.
It's right over there.

Thank you.

I'd like to phone my babysitter

and make sure she puts
my children to bed by 11.

They get to stay up until 11?

Alex. Alex.

What is going on?

Look, Skip, I'm sorry.

I didn't get a chance to
give you all the information.

All the information?

Alex, you've got me going
to the homecoming dance

with a divorced mother

who's studying me
for a psychology experiment.

I mean, it's...
It's not exactly a dream date.

Skip, you're not
the easiest guy in the world

to get a date for, okay?

T-the only other person
that I could find

was in the biology department,

and she wanted to dissect you
after the dance.

Thank you, alex.
Shall we go, Skippy?

Um, yeah, yes.

Sure, Mrs. Bogner.


Oh, uh, Mallory,
I'd like you to meet somebody.

- Oh.
- This is Mrs. Bogner,

and she's with me.

Um, I think we met before.

You're, uh...
You're Skippy's aunt.

Uh, no.

She's my date.

Oh, well, nice to meet you.

Listen, I got to make my speech

at the dance tonight,
and I can't find my notes.

Have you seen them?

Maybe they're hidden
in your moustache.

I-it's filling in nicely, honey.

Maybe I should just give up
on this.

Oh, Alex, you just need
to give it more time.

Yeah, h-how long have you
been growing it now?

Eight months.

- Hi, Nick.
- Hey. Can I come in?

I don't want anybody I know
to see me wearing this tie.

Get inside.

Hey, Alex. Hey.

Got some kind of insect
on your upper lip there.

- Here, let me kill it.
- No!

No, Nick. It's not...

It's not an insect.
It's a moustache.

Hey, can I kill it anyway?

I'll let Mallory know
you're here.


Hey. Come on in.

Where are the Keatons?

They'll be back.

What have you done to them?

They're all upstairs.

I see.

Listen, um, I want to talk
to you about Mallory.

I never touched her, Nick.
I swear.

We're just neighbors.
We're not even close neighbors.

Look, you can't even see
my house from here.

Take it easy, Skippy.

Okay. Uh...


I'm very relaxed now.

I swear.

You and her are good friends,


I am.
She hates me.


No, no, no, no.
I-I wouldn't say that's true.

Listen, you and her have had

some good times together,
haven't you?

A few.

I used to like it

when she would babysit for me
when I was little.

It was great.

She'd let me watch TV,
read me stories.

She'd let me stay up late.

Hey, I thought you two
were the same age.

We are.

So look, you know, um,

I get the idea
you kind of like Mallory.

All right, look, Nick,

maybe I used to like Mallory
a little bit.

But, uh, now I'm very much
in love with Mrs. Bogner.


Well, you know, uh,
just the same,

I hope the fact that Mallory
and I go out together

hasn't caused you any, um,
bad feelings or nothing.

Not a bit.

That's good, you know,
'cause I like you.

You're a good guy.

Okay, Mallory, come on down.

Oh, Mallory, you look...

Just okay, I guess.

Well, Nick, what do you think?

I think you are gonna be
the best looking girl

in the place tonight.

Let's get a picture.

Oh, no, no. Then I've got to
take this tie off.

No, don't.

Oh, I'll get it.
I'll get it.

Ah. Hello, Sylvia.

Good evening, Alex.

Hello, Mrs. Bogner.

You're looking ravishing
this evening.

Why, thank you, Skippy.

Shall we go?

- I have a car waiting.
- Oh.

My dad's gonna drive us.


♪ always on my mind

Can I have your attention,

Well, welcome to homecoming.

And to begin the festivities,

I take great pleasure
in introducing

the salutatorian
of the class of 1984,

our homecoming speaker,

Alex P. Keaton.

Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Bidney.

You know, uh, as I made my way
here this evening,

I was reflecting on how much
has changed in our world

since I left Harding.

Mostly in my face.

Are you having a good time,

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I really am.

No, I'm not.
I'm miserable.

Wide mood swings.

Look over there.

Look at...
Look at Mallory and Nick.

He's got his arm around her.
She's whispering in his ear.

They're having a great time.

Isn't that nice?

Mrs. Bogner,
I'm in love with Mallory.

I-I've been in love with her
ever since I was 6 months old.

Sure, some of you may ask,

"why a moustache?

"why not a beard?

"a goatee?

Or perhaps some outrageous,
eye-catching sideburns?"

Mrs. Bogner, please.
You got to help me.

You study
adolescent social behavior.

Well, what would an adolescent
do in this situation?

Skippy, you are an adolescent.

I know. But I'm still
in the middle of adolescence.

You know how it turns out.

All I can tell you, Skippy,

is don't deny the feelings
you have.

Don't be afraid
to act on them.

Act on my feelings?

That makes a lot of sense.

Thank you.

Oh, it's been my pleasure,

You've been
a fascinating subject.

So much nicer than those
white mice I usually work with.

Thank you.

Sure, facial hair
may not be the answer... all the world's problems,

but we must start somewhere.

Thank you.

I'm cutting in.

I said, I'm cutting in, Nick.

Nick, now.


Skippy, what are you doing?

Nick, Mallory is my girl,

And I'm willing
to fight for her.

'Cause I've known her
longer than you.

And if it wasn't for you, she'd
be with me here at this dance.

Now, these are my feelings,
and I'm acting on them.

The psychiatric community's
going to back me up on on this.

Hey. Hey, hey.
Come on, now, Skippy.

- Skippy, I don't want to fight.
- Yeah, but I do. I do.

Just relax.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Nick, Skippy. What's going on?

I don't know. I think
he really wants to dance.

Skip, whoa, Skippy.

I got him, Nick.


Here. What's happening here?
Break this up!

Break this up!
Break it up. Break it up.

Come on.

Handelman, for a man
with four overdue library books,

you're treading
on very thin ice.

Keaton. Not you?

I'm sorry, sir.
I don't know what got into me.

Must be the moustache.

Your dad always lets me win.

All right, okay,
that's the last time I go

anywhere near you, you,
or Skippy.

What happened?

One minute, I'm talking
to Mr. Bidney,

and the next minute
I'm refereeing a fight

between Skippy and Nick.

What was the fight about?

It was over Mallory.
Can you believe that?

- Are you and Skippy okay, Nick?
- Yeah, we're all right.

Luckily, we fell on top of Alex

or somebody could have
gotten hurt.

Well, I'm glad I could be
of service.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go upstairs

and shave this moustache off.

Ah, see?
I told you it was a moustache.

Can we at least take a photo
of it before I shave it off?

Oh, good idea.
I'll go get the zoom lens.

What could Skippy
have been thinking?

I never thought
he'd do something like that.

Hey, don't be so hard
on the guy, Mal.

I mean, he almost got himself
killed tonight

because he cares about you.

You know, he's nice,
in an annoying way.

So you do like him.

You know,
you should tell him that.


It's kind of comforting
to have him around, you know?

He's like an old sock.

Ah, you see? You know,
I think he'd like to hear that.


Hi, Nick.


Look, I'm sorry about tonight.

I hope I didn't hurt you
too badly.

Hey, hey, hey,
no hard feelings.

Look, um, I'm gonna go
in the other room

so you two can talk alone.


That's very nice of you, Nick.
Thank you.


Um, Mallory, did you have
a good time at the dance?

Great. Um...

Where's Mrs. Bogner?

Well, she was getting a little
hung up on me so I had to, uh,

cut her loose.

I'm sorry.

No, Mallory,
I'm the one who's sorry.

You've been rejecting me
for 18 years.

And I just keep on making a fool
of myself,

hoping something's gonna change.

Has it been that long?

And it's time I grew up.

I'm glad
this happened tonight.

It made me realize that I've
been living in a dream world.

D-do you know that I used to sit
around just thinking about

what it would be like
if we got married?

- Married?
- Yeah!

Yeah, I had the whole thing
planned out.

A big ceremony at night,
under a big tent.

Like a circus.


But instead of walking down
the aisle,

I get shot out of a cannon
toward the altar.

And then, uh,
we'd go on our honeymoon.

We'd go to Paris,

where we'd spend our evenings
dining alone

on the banks of the Nile.


The Nile's in London.


And then we'd come back
and buy a house

with all the money I'd make from
my job as a seat-belt tester.

Skippy, did you ever
stop to think

that maybe I'm not the one
for you?

I mean, I'm really not as
wonderful as you think I am.

In fact, I think I've been

pretty mean to you
over the years.

Hey, remember that time
when we were 2 years old?

I tried to glue you
to your playhouse door?

Do I remember?

Mallory, that was the greatest
thing that ever happened to me.

I mean, don't you understand?

When you pay attention to me,
it shows me that you care.

Skippy, I do care.
But come on, we're 18 years old.

If you and I are gonna continue
to be friends,

I think we have to start dealing
with each other like adults.

You're absolutely right.
I know.

Look, Skippy,

let's make an agreement, okay?

I promise to stop being mean
to you

if you promise
to stop treating me

in this silly, childish,
romantic way, okay?

From now on we'll just have
normal conversations.

Yeah, sure.
I'll give it a shot.

Okay, let's try right now.

Hello, Skippy.
How are you?

I'm very fine.

Thank you for asking, Mallory.

Um, how are your parents?

They're very well, and...

Will you marry me?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I just...

I need more practice.

I'm not very good
at being normal.

Mallory, you... You got to
give me more time.

I will. If you promise
you'll keep trying.

I will.

I promise.

But occasionally,
just for old times' sake,

would it be all right
if I came by and bugged you

and you glued me to something?

Wouldn't have it any other way.