Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 3, Episode 22 - Cold Storage - full transcript

Alex wants to come along visiting grandma because she lives close to Lisa Tobin, Jennifer because she has cable TV. Elyse makes Steven first drop by for a 'reunion' with another couple which has twins, and gets more visitors with -to the others' regret- or without -to their own regret- crying babies. Mallory stayed home to work on a paper on the Louisiana Purchase (not about shopping, to her disappointment). Alex gave her permission to consult his 'archives' in the basement, but the trunk is too heavy, so Skippy comes down to help, but accidentally lets the door lock (he takes her word for that), so they're trapped (her vision) or joined (his version) together all weekend. They finally come closer together, realizing they are both (birdbrain) outsiders...

♪ I'll bet
We've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I'll bet
We'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Ooh, it's like
I started breathin' ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't
No nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love
Each other through ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la ♪

Alex, I got a problem.

You mean, you've
narrowed it down to one?

Oh, come on. You know
I have to do that paper

on the Louisiana Purchase.

I thought it was about
shopping in Louisiana.

Can you help me out?

Mallory, you know that I'm...
I'm willing

to help those less fortunate
than myself,

and you certainly fall
into that category.

But, uh, we gotta go
to Grandma's in a few minutes.

So catch me
when I got a spare decade.

Thanks, Alex.

I wish we could
just go straight to Grandma's.

I wish we could talk Mom and Dad
out of going

to their Lamaze reunion.

I don't think so, Jen.

But they said we're just gonna
stay for a few minutes.

I am as anxious as you are
to get to Grandma's.

I mean, I-I love that woman.

We got a very special

Can't wait to go to her house.

That's only because Lisa Tobin
lives next door to Grandma.

I have no interest

in Lisa Tobin.

Anyway, she lives two doors down.

Anyway, Jen, you're only
anxious to get to Grandma's

'cause she's got cable TV.

That's not true.

I love Grandma.

If she happens
to have 136 channels,

so be it.

Okay, everyone,
we're ready to go.

We have everything! Heh.

Pictures of the baby,
the baby's diapers,

the baby's seat,
the baby's food.

Where's the baby?

Well, he should
be along any moment.

I better go hurry him up.

Mom, you'll be sure to tell
Grandma why I can't come?

Now, you sure
you don't wanna come with us?

No, I'll be fine.

Yeah, Mom,
we better get going, huh?

I don't want
to disappoint Lisa... Grandma.

Can't we just go straight
to Grandma's?

Do we have to go
to this reunion?

We don't have to go,
we want to.

We have a lot in common
with these people.

We went through natural
childbirth classes with them.

Your father and I are really
looking forward to it.

Elyse, do we really have to go
to this reunion?

Why don't we just go
to your mother's?

We'll have a great time, Steven.

Okay, let's go.

Uh, Mal, you're sure
you'll be okay?

I'll be fine.

Well, we're very proud of you

for putting
your schoolwork first.

That's right, Mal.

Your pursuit
of passing grades,

no matter how futile,

is entirely commendable.

And to reward you,
I'm gonna let you use

the Alex P. Keaton archives,

located in
the Alex P. Keaton trunk

in the, uh,
Alex P. Keaton basement.

Okay. Let's go!

Have a great time.
Say hello to Lisa for me.



Who's Lisa?

to popular belief,

the Louisiana Purchase is not
about shopping in Louisiana. "


I, uh, came in the back door.
I thought I'd surprise you.

Are you surprised?

what do you want?

Someone to talk to.

A friendly face.

Well, there's no one
like that here.

Please leave.

I have some
studying to do.

Well, can I watch?

Oh, please, please?
I- I'll be quiet.

You... You won't even
hear me breathe.

I won't breathe.

Skippy, knock it off.

Wait, there is something
you can do for me.

Oh, name it. Anything.

Okay, there's something
I need out of the basement.

There's a big,
heavy trunk there.

It's dusty, and it's covered
with cobwebs.

And as soon as you bring it up
here, you got to leave.

Thanks, Mal.

I knew you'd come around.

Oh, is it
yucky in here.

Look at all
these cobwebs.

These, uh, webs,
they remind me

of the web that you've spun
around my heart, Mallory.

Uh, let's get the trunk.

Come on.

What's in here?

Uh, it's just
Alex's old papers.

He must have
used heavy ink.

What's going on?
Open the door.

I'm trying, Mallory.

Well, just reach around
and flip the latch.

What latch?

You mean, you shut the door
all the way?

Yeah. Is that bad?

Oh, Skippy,

we're locked down here now.

And my family's
out all day,

and then they're staying
overnight at my grandmother's!

You mean, we're gonna be
locked down here all night?


Darn the luck.

Hi, how are you?

Leonard, how you doing?
Good to see you again.

This is Andrew.

You remember
Jennifer and Alex.

Oh, he's very cute.

Uh, thanks, Marge.
Got a new haircut.

Where's your baby?

Ah, this is Louis.

And this is Lois.


Oh, that's great.

That's right,
you had twins!

Oh, I don't know what
I'd do if I had twins.

That must be an awful lot
of work, isn't it?

Yes, it is
a lot of work,

but we're very happy.

Hi, Jennifer.

Oh, it's good to see you again,
Alex, I'm glad you could come.

Oh, no problem.

Our grandmother lives near here,

so we're just gonna
spend the night there.

She has cable TV.

Yeah, and if she gets a VCR,

we may spend Christmas with her.

We have cable TV too.
63 stations.


Len, Leonard, Len,

do you, uh...
Do you by any chance

get, uh, Channel 31?

The Playboy channel!

Yes, we do!


Is that what that is?

I thought it was
religious programming.

Alex, I asked him first
about the cable TV,

and I want to watch
the hockey game.

Well, that's on Channel 28.
It's in the den.

Jen, hockey's overrated.

Jen, they're all men.

Oh, hey, hey.

I guess this, um...

This crying is a little...
A little contagious.

Oh, I'll get that.

Oh, hey!

How are you?

Hi, everybody.

Hey, nice place.

You brought your babies?

I told you we were supposed
to bring Larry Jr., Suzie.

Well, I'm sorry, Larry.

I misunderstood
the invitation.

Wait a second,
wait a second.

Two couples,

three babies.

Hey, Suzie, someone
brought an extra.

No... Heh.

No, no, M-Marge and Leonard
had twins.

Oh, twins.

Oh, that's great.

And if Larry Jr. were here,

you'd see that
he's a really great baby too.

Yeah, he really is.

Well, maybe we should
run home and get Larry Jr.

We could be back
in two hours.

Don't be ridiculous, Suzie.

We're already here,
without Larry Jr.,

thanks to you.

Dad, Alex won't let me
watch the hockey game.

Look, that's not true,
it's between periods.

And I-I just wanted
to watch

a few minutes
of Congress in session.

I've never seen naked
congressmen before, Alex.

I'm so proud
to be an American.

Will you two knock it off?

Well, tell him to give me back
the remote control!

Marge, Lois won't
stop crying.

Well, what do you
want me to do, Leonard?

Reason with her?

A sea of babies,
we're the only ones without one.

Show them
the pictures, Larry.

Pictures aren't the same thing
as a real baby.

Well, what do you want me
to do?

Come on. Honey...

give me a hand here.

Come on. Jennifer! Come on.

Now, honey, please.
Come on. Please!

We should do this
more often.


I felt something give
that time.

It might have been
my shoulder.

Don't worry about that, Skippy.

Just keep going.


No, Mallory, it's no use.

Do you happen to have
any explosives on you?

I can't believe that
we're locked in the basement.

We could run out of air.

try not to think of it
as a basement.

Think of this...

as a dungeon.

Oh, okay,

I feel better now.

You see,
I have been sent

by the noble house
of Handleman

to rescue you.

See, you're the beautiful
damsel in distress.

And I am a knight.

You are an idiot.

Well, what about
that window?

It leads to the backyard,
doesn't it?

Yeah, it's nailed shut.

Well, at least no one
can break in.

We're stranded here and no one's
gonna be here till the morning.

We don't even have
anything to eat!

Oh, but that's where
you're wrong, Mallory.

Look at this.

What is that?

It's a package of Cup-a-Soup.

Skippy, you're a real dope.
Where's the cup?

Right here.

Where's the hot water?

I never tried it that way.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here, huh?

A hot-water heater.


you're a genius.


This is terrific!

Uh, w-we've got heat,

we've got hot water,
we've got soup.

We could live here.

Just make the soup,

All right, uh...

Stand back.

This is my first wet cup
of Cup-a-Soup.

Let's see here.



Well, if you want
my professional opinion,

I busted it.

Oh, great,
now we have no heat!

Well, uh, don't worry now.

It's, uh...

It's probably just
a fuse.

Fuse? Do you know anything
about fuses?

Are you kidding?

Mallory, they don't call me
Handy Handleman for nothing.

Okay. Now, stand back.

Let's see here.

Uh-huh, ah,
here's the culprit.

Here's the culprit. Ah!


Nice going, Handy.

Now, we've got no heat

and no light.

But we've got
each other, Mallory.


I- I've almost got this
figured out.

All I need is one more thing.


An electrician.

Here, let me...
Let me take a look at it.

See, if this were
my hair dryer,

what would I do?

You'd be drying your hair
with a fuse box.

Wait, what if I took
this one out of here...

Uh, Mallory, I...
I wouldn't do that!

... and put it into here.

That's very nice.

We can see
each other again.

I'm so grateful.

Skippy, look, the only way

we're gonna get out of here
is the window.

There must be some way
to open it.

All right, all right, let me,
uh, have a look at it now.

Move this.

Stand back.


this may be the last time
we ever see each other.


Here I go.

Uh, okay.

All right.

I got it open.
Oh, boy.

Well, there's plenty
of snow here if we need it.


Can you get out, Skippy?

No, I'm sorry.

There's no way I can fit
through the bars.

Maybe if I buttered myself.


Oh, great!
Now the window's stuck open.

We're gonna freeze to death!

What are we doing?

Jumping jacks.

Oh, good idea.

It's very important that we be
in top physical condition

when we die.

Skippy, I'm just trying
to keep warm.

Where you going?

What are you doing?

Why... Ow!

Ah! Ooh!

What's wrong?

It's my ankle.

It's an old Cub Scout injury.

Here, come on.
Sit down.

Come on.

Mallory, I'm sorry.

This is all my fault.

I- I got us locked down here

and I goofed up the window

and now I hurt myself.

Right when you need me the most.

Skippy, just relax.

I can't relax, Mallory.

I'm supposed
to be your knight.

Now, I've got to find something
to keep my damsel warm.

There's gotta be something...

What...? What did you say
was in this trunk?

Uh, it's just
Alex's old junk.


there are clothes in here.

We can put them on
and be warm.

Oh, great, Skippy.
Nice going.

Oh, don't thank me.

That's what
us knights are for.

It's too bad the babies
are still asleep. Mmm.

I wonder
if Larry Jr. is asleep.

He looks so cute
when he's sleeping.

Remember, Suzie?

Well, you know, it...
It is great

getting together
like this.

I... I was just, uh, saying
to Elyse on the drive over here

that we really don't know
each other that well.


I don't mean that she and I
don't know each other that well.

I, uh, meant all of us.


That's true, you know,
during the Lamaze classes,

we didn't have much
of a chance to socialize,

but... But now we can just
sit back and relax and talk.

That's right.

Hey, and talk about something
other than babies.

What a relief.

So, what'd you guys think
of that election? Oh.

Oh, boy, we're pretty upset,
let me tell you.

Who wants another four years
with that guy?

We think
he's doing a fine job.

That's right.

I, uh...

Well, I don't
follow politics. Heh.

Heh. Then why did you
bring it up, Larry?

Oh, I was just trying
to make conversation.

I mean, let's face it,
this party's dying.

Are you sure
this goes on this way?

I'm positive.


I certainly am warm
now, huh?

We're lucky that your parents

like to get dressed up
like chipmunks.

Skippy, I told you
it was for a Halloween party.

It's a good thing
they didn't go as nudists.

I can't believe this.

I don't mind freezing
to death

half as much
as the thought

of being found
looking like this.

What are you doing?

I'm looking
for something to eat.

I have a sudden craving
for chestnuts.

"My Summer Vacation
by Alex P. Keaton,

"age 6.

"This summer,
I went to the zoo.

"It only cost 50 cents
because I am a minor.

"It cost my parents $1
because they are majors.

"One day, I'd like
to run the zoo

and charge $2 to get in
with no discounts for anybody. "

Maybe we could warm up
by setting this on fire.


That Alex! I... Ouch! Ah!

What is it?
It's my ankle again.

It really hurts.


I think I'm gonna need
an ankle transplant.

Why don't you sit down
or something.

All right.

I, uh, didn't know
you were so highly-trained

for medical emergencies.

Why don't you
put some ice on it.



which paw is it?

This one.

There. How's that?

Much better.

You know, Mallory,

you'd make a good veterinarian.

Fat chance of me

ever being
anything important.

Well, you're not exactly
dressed for success.

What's that?

I- I found it
in Alex's trunk.

It's a picture
of your 7th birthday party.


Here, take a look at this.

There's your parents,

and there's Alex,
and there's Jennifer,

and there's me.

Where am I?

You're the one in the corner

sticking your tongue
out at me.

Oh, yeah.
I remember that party.

You had to leave early 'cause
you swallowed a party favor.


we've had a lot
of good times, Mallory.

Yeah, a lot of water
under the bridge.

I- I know what you mean.

In fact, I guess we all consider
you kind of an honorary Keaton.

You mean it?

Yeah, I'm used to you,

Even though
you're very annoying,

when you're not around,
I kind of miss you.

You do?

I didn't know that.

I- I...

I always feel
like an outsider,

wherever I am.

You wouldn't know what
I'm talking about, would you?

Well, don't be so sure.

See, sometimes I don't feel
like I belong anywhere.

You know,
Alex is real smart,

and Jennifer is great
at sports.

Andrew's cute, and...

I don't know.
I'm nothing special.

I'm... I'm just me.

you got to be kidding.

I mean, you are
the most special person

in the whole world.

Thanks, Skippy.

You're kind of special
in your own way.


because of this kiss,

I shall never wash
my face again.

Then you'll never be
kissed again.

Oh, Steven, come on.

They're down here
in the basement.

Let's try to imagine

what series of events
led to this point.

I'd rather not, Dad.

Oh, thank God you're home!


What happened?

Oh, we came down here
to get Alex's trunk,

and Skippy shut the door
and locked us in.

And then the heater broke,
we almost froze to death.

Aren't you gonna ask us
how our day was?

Skippy, wake up.


Oh, you should have
let me sleep.

I was having
the nicest dream.

I dreamt that I was in this
big barrel of macadamia nuts.

Let... Let me a-ask
you kids something.

Were you in chipmunk costumes
when you came down here, or...

No, no, Dad,
we found them down here.

We put them on to keep warm.
We almost froze to death.

Mallory, you'll do anything
to get out of writing a paper.

Yeah, right.

Oh, no!
You shut the door!

Yeah, why?

Well, that's how
we got stuck in here.

It locks

No, no, no, no,
it doesn't.

All you do is this,

and you're out.

Come on. Let's get
out of here.

Before hunting season starts.

Hey, Mallory.

I'm really sorry.
I didn't know.

I know this was
a terrible night for you.

Well, it...

...wasn't so bad.