Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 3, Episode 21 - Bringing Up Baby - full transcript

Another row between Alex and Jen over the phone and another about Mallory abusing Alex's shirt make Steven and Elyse realize they desperately need more quality time. A restaurant dinner fails, neither can stop thinking about Andy and babies in general, she even burps the waiter...

♪ I'll bet
We've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I'll bet
We'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Ooh, it's like
I started breathin' ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't
No nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love
Each other through ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la ♪

I know, he's so cute.

Do you really think
he likes me?

Look, Jennifer, please,
get off the phone, okay?

I was staring at him
all through lunch.

He caught me looking at him
through a piece of Swiss cheese.

that's adorable.

Get off the phone,

or I'll force-feed you
the receiver.

Don't force-feed her
the receiver, Alex.

Just kidding, Dad.

Where's your mother?

She's upstairs
with the baby.

I'm home, Elyse.
Ready to go?

I'm coming.

Do you really think
he's too shy to ask me?

Or maybe I should ask him?

I'm askin' you.
Please get off the phone.


Almost finished, Dad.

So, anyway, let me tell you
everything that happened.

Sounds like
she's wrapping it up.

I wish your mom
would get down here.

You know, between my work
and her working again now,

we barely even seeing
each other the past few weeks.

Hardly remember
what she looks like.

This is her, Dad,
the big one.

Hello, stranger.
Long time, no see.

Well, howdy, ma'am.

Pleased to make your
acquaintance once again.

How long has it been?
Five years? Ten?

Well, it feels like that long.

How'd you like
to mosey over to my lips?

Mm, reckon I will.


Even for you guys,
this is embarrassing.

Let's go, Elyse.

Uh, we don't
have much time.

I can't believe
you guys are

takin' more pictures
of the baby.

We're taking Andy
to see his first sunset.

That's right.
That's right.

He's been talkin'
about it all day.

Do you wanna come with us
to see the sunset?

No, thanks.
I don't know,

I've gone this long
without seein' one.

Aw, listen to him.

What does he know?

Oh, Mallory,

I got to admit,
Jennifer has gotten

even more aggravating
than you are.

I know, but he's got
a great personality.

Got a nice style,
still not perfect though.

Now, see how she's cradling
the receiver?

Her hand will cramp
any minute now.

Hey. Hey, Mallory,
you're wearin' my shirt.

I am?
Yeah, you are.

Look, what do you think
the "APK" stands for?

A pompous klown?

Now, hurry up, Elyse.
We're runnin' out of time here.

I want that shirt,

and, Jennifer,
I want that phone.

Alex, my happiness
as a woman

depends on
this phone call.

Jennifer, your survival
as a human being

depends on you
hanging up.

I'll call you back,
okay, Chrissie?

Mom, Dad, did you just
hear what Alex said?

I'm sorry. I couldn't
take it anymore.

Kids, we have to go.

Well, you can't leave now.
What should I do?

Should I wait for Adam
to ask me out,

or should I ask him out?

Jennifer, we'll talk
about this later.

We will talk later.

We don't wanna
miss the sunset.

We'll see you guys later.
Come on.

Elyse, the sun
has already set.

Just s-stay where you are.

There'll be
another one tomorrow.

Oh, listen, Gus,

Elyse and I
haven't been able

to spend any time
together lately,

so I wanna take the morning off,
spend it with her.

Keep an eye on the place
till I get there.


Well, let me make it
worth your while.

Uh, you can sit
at my desk,

eat my mints...

...make believe you're me.

That's not funny, Gus.

I get the phone when Dad's off.
No, come on.

I said I get to make
the next call.

Kids, please.
You did not.

I did so.
I'll see you later, Gus.

Now, listen, I will not
tolerate this kind of behavior

when I'm on the phone.

Sorry, Dad.
Sorry, Dad.

I, uh, was hoping
for something more sincere.

Sorry, Dad.
Sorry, Dad.


Now, come on, now,
one time with feeling,

say it with me.

Sorry, Dad.

That's better.

Now, come on, let's
make this a pleasant day.

I've arranged to take
most of the day off

to spend
with your mother.

It's a surprise for her
and I don't want it ruined

by you kids acting like infants,
okay, Jennifer?


Okay, Alex?
All right.


You use that phone
as long as you want.

You got 30 seconds,

Hey, morning, Mom.

Guess you didn't
get much sleep, huh?

Thought I heard
Andrew cryin' all night.

Alex, I slept fine
from 3 to 3:15.

I'd be grumpy.

Alex, I'm sorry
for having worn your shirt

and in order
to make it up to you

I'm gonna wash it, okay?

No, no! Mallory, no.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Come on, look,
you don't even know how

to use the washing machine.

I do so.

Look, "Before using
this machine,

"make sure
it's been grounded

to avoid possible
electric shock. "

Show me how
to do that, Alex.

Don't tempt me, Mallory.

Where are
you goin', Mom?

Well, Andrew hasn't
been outside for a week

because of his cold,

so I thought I'd take him
on a walk before dark.

But it's 8
in the morning.

Well, then I have
no problem.

Yeah, I want to ask Adam
to the dance, Chrissie,

but what if he says no?

Well, then
what if he says yes?

All right, Jennifer,
your time's up.

You get off the phone now,
or I'll call Adam

and tell him you like him.

I'll call you right back,
okay, Chrissie?

That was
a dirty trick, Alex.

Say, Alex.
Yeah, Dad?

Have you seen your mother?
Yeah, she just left.

Left? What do
you mean, left?

Well, she went to take
Andrew for a walk.

If you hurry,
you can catch 'em.

Well, I can
certainly catch him.


Where's the baby?

Oh, I put him down
for a nap.

I thought you went out
for a walk.

Well, Andrew and I got
as far as the front sidewalk

and decided
we weren't alert enough

to be out on the streets.

Yeah, but Dad just
went out to find you.

Well, he'll be back.

look after Andrew for me,
will you, honey?

Oh, sure.

I don't see her
out there anywhere.

She just came back.
She went upstairs.

Honey, tell your dad that
I've gone up to go to sleep.

He just went upstairs
to look for you.

I'll meet him
up there, then.


I'm getting too old
to play these games, Elyse.

I guess I was just
in a playful mood.

I'm off till 3:00.


I thought we could spend a
few hours getting reacquainted.

Oh, well, yeah, as long as you
don't mind getting reacquainted

in front of Paul
and Barbara Esposito.

Well, that'll be fine.

Who are they?

Well, I-I'm designing
a guesthouse for them.

I promised I'd bring by
their plans this afternoon.

Well... How about now?

We could just
sit around and talk.

Oh, sweetheart, I have got
to go back to sleep.

Well, I'll come with you.
Maybe you'll talk in your sleep.

How about tonight?
I'm not doing anything.

We could get together
and go over old times.

I can't think of any flaws
in that plan.

I'll see you tonight.

So I guess I'll just,
uh, call Gus,

tell him
I'll be comin' in.

Oh, yeah.

Good luck gettin'
Jennifer off the pho...



I'm sorry I scared you.

Did you think
I was somebody else?

No. I knew it was you.

Oh, uh, these are...
Are for you.

Oh, Steven.
Thank you.

So how was your day?

Well, let's see.

First, the Espositos decided
they don't want a guesthouse,

they want
a greenhouse.

Seems they have
more plants than friends.

Then... Then I came home,
and Alex and Mallory

were still arguing
about some shirt,

and... And Jennifer was on
this six-hour phone-athon

with Chrissie.

I think the high point of my day
was when Andrew spit up on me.

Well, at least
we're alone now.


Oh, honey,
it's just so nice

to have a quiet moment
with you.


Uh, yes, she is.

Tell whoever it is
I'll call 'em back tomorrow.

Uh, Chrissie,

my wife will
call you back tomorrow.

Jennifer, telephone!

Thanks, Mom.
No, honey, get it downstairs.

But, Mom, Chrissie talked
to Adam Galardner today

and asked him
if he likes me.

I just have
to find that out.

Is there some reason why you
can't find that out downstairs?


Chrissie, call me
right back, okay?

I'm getting a lot
of static on this end.

Thank you.


I just wanted you to know
that Alex and I

have settled our argument
about the shirt.

You know, I washed it for him
and everything's fine now.

We won't be
bothering you anymore.

Thank you
for not bothering us.

No problem.

Feel free
to drop in any time.

Oh, I can stay.

No, you can't.

Well, I'll leave
you two alone.

I just thought that you'd
be able to relax and everything

now that Alex and I
settled our argument.


Mal... Mallory.

What is wrong...

with this picture?

You're in it.

Kids, don't take this
the wrong way,

but get out of here now.

Oh, that's for me!

Um, Mom, can I take it
in here?

I forgot to go downstairs.

Hi, Chrissie.

He wasn't home?

Why not?

Adam Galardner's
getting braces.

Okay, that's it. That...

Get out of here. Now. Out.
And then a retainer?

This changes everything,

I'll go.
I'll go.

After all,
we've been together now

for a full,
uh, 15 seconds.

We don't want
to get into a rut.

Oh, good.
You're done talking.

Uh, yeah. We're, uh...
We're all talked out.

Keep in touch.


Look, I...
I ironed your shirt.

Mallory, look.
Come here.

This can no longer
be considered a shirt.

At best, it's a...

It's a flag for
some underdeveloped nation.

Okay, guys.

Your mom and I will be at
the Garden Restaurant tonight,

I wrote the number down
along with

a few others numbers
you might need.

The Olbachs, police department,
Dr. Rappaport,

Senator Metzenbaum?

Only if you can't
reach Dr. Rappaport.

We'll be fine, just go out
and enjoy yourself.

You're right. You know, I should
just go out for the evening,

forget we even had
a baby and relax,

but I... I can't help
feeling maternal.

I'm a father.

Whoa, Mom.
You look hot.

Whoa. Hot is
not the word, Mom.

You're sizzling.

Yeah. Well,
maybe we should go

before the smoke alarm
goes off.

Oh, bye, Mom.
Bye, Dad.

Honey, now,
Andrew's feeling better,

but he still needs some
medicine before he goes bed.

We know, Mom.


Well, let me
just say goodbye.

Here you go.

Okay, sweetheart,
don't you wait up for us,

you be a good boy for your
brother and sisters, okay?

Good night, baby.

Oh, oh,
goodbye, Andrew.

Your mom I and will be
at the Garden Restaurant

if you need us.

The number is 473...

Dad, Dad, come on.

We'll fill him in.

Yeah, okay.
Here you go, Jennifer.

There you go.

Oh, d-don't
take him away yet.

Mom, he's not
goin' off to jail.

Well, I wanna s...
I wanna give him another hug.

Well, you hug Dad,
and I'll hug Andrew.

and I'll hug Jennifer.

Right, and I'll,
uh, supervise.

I can't believe
we're here.

I can't either.

They're all grownups.

I never thought I'd be in a room
full of grownups again.

Oh, it's nice,
isn't it?


Odds are we won't have
to tell any of them

to get off
the phone.

Or settle an argument
between 'em.

None of them look like they
need to be burped either.

Our waiter looks like
he could use a bur...

Honey. Honey.

Sorry. It's none
of my business.

Yeah. I-I am really
glad we're here,

and I'm not worried
about Andrew.

I mean, after all,
he's over his cold...

Come on, Elyse.

Let's not talk about
the baby tonight.

Let's talk about us.

Forget we even
have a baby.

What baby?

Excuse me.
Are you ready to order?

Oh, yes. I'll have
the baby lamb chops,

um, the baby Lima beans,

and the little
baby snow peas.

Would you like to see
our children's menu?

Uh, no. We'll have
the grownup lamb chops

and whatever grownup food
goes with it.

Right. Two orders,
grownup chops.

Thank you very much.

Oh, here.

Thank you.

Where were we?

I don't remember,

but we weren't talking
about the baby.

No baby talk tonight.

I mean, uh...

No baby talk tonight.

Oh, Steven,
what a cute...



You are a cutie. Hey.




Uh, are you with him?

He met us here.

Oh, he sneezed.

I know. I think he's
comin' down with a cold.

Oh, uh,

our son has a cold too.

Well, here.

Let me show you
some pictures of our boy.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, he is beautiful.

Elyse, why don't we leave
these people to their dinner?

Oh, no, no.
No, that's fine, really.

Let me show you some pictures
of little Roger.

Wha...? Isn't he here?

Yeah, I know, but, uh,
he's a little grumpy.

Don't look at him. He looks
much better in the pictures.

Elyse, remember, we said
we weren't gonna talk...

You have that picture
of Andy in the baseball cap?

Oh, there it is.

Are you ready
to order?

No, thanks.
We've already ordered.


Oh, well, of course.
You haven't.

I'm sorry. Excuse me,
enjoy your dinner.

Here, take the pictures
with you.

You'll love 'em.

Hey, here. L-look at
the ones of Andy.

Oh, okay.

Sorry, Steven.

Now, listen, Elyse, this is
exactly the kind of thing

we said we were
not going to do.

You've gotta
control yourself.

You're right, sorry.
It's out of my system.

Well, I hope so.

Let's just enjoy
this time alone together.


Excuse me.

Where are you going?

Uh, to the men's room.
I'll be right back.


Hi, Jennifer.
It's me.

Your father.

Um, yeah, well... Dinner's
going fine. Thank you.


I don't care if you're
expecting an important call.

I will not keep it brief.

Listen, um,
how's Andrew?

Ooh, has he been sneezing
at all?

Well, are you sure?

Because if his cold's
acting up again,

we can come right home.

Look, why don't you
check on...?


No, I do not want
a free dance lesson,

and I'd appreciate it
if you wouldn't

interrupt my dinner
in the future.

I tried
to be a nice guy

by answering
a pay phone,

and look
what happens.

Why did you hang up?

I'm sorry. Did you want
a free dance lesson?

Well, how was Andrew?

He's fine.

Elyse, I think I figured out
what went wrong tonight.


Well, you see,
it's very simple, really.

See, we each have careers

which take up a lot
of our time and energy,

and we have three children
who are very wonderful,

but, uh, who are also
very loud and demanding.

And on top of that,
we have a baby

who is, uh,
very beautiful,

but also very loud
and demanding

and who occupies
every last moment

of our remaining time
and energy.

Tonight we tried
to escape all that.

It's impossible.

That's encouraging.

But it's true, Elyse.

Uh, we can, uh, remove
ourselves physically

from all this, but, uh...
But not emotionally.

This is our life.

We're trapped in it.

You make it sound like
a science-fiction film.

It's not such
a bad life, is it?

No, it's not.
It's a great life.

Oh. I-I think we just have
to accept the fact

that our life has changed,
that we're parents.

We have fo...
Four children,

and we enjoy it.

And we're not gonna have any fun
till Andrew goes to college.

I accept that.


I just wanted to apologize

for talking on the phone
so much lately.

It's okay, honey.

For some reason,
I find myself

talking about boys
a lot more than I used to.

In fact, I find myself
talking to boys

a lot more than I used to.

We've noticed.

I'm sure it's just a phase.
It'll pass.

I'm not getting that.

Uh, if it's for me,

tell whoever it is that I'll
see him at school tomorrow.


Well, no.
No, I'm sorry, Adam...

Dad, no!

Hi, uh, Adam?

Uh, can I call you
right back?



This is the last phone call
I will ever make

in my whole life. Please?

Good night.

Hey, hey.
How you doin'?

Oh, not bad.
Not bad.

Look, we know you guys
haven't been able

to spend a lot
of time together

and that we're probably
part of the reason why not.

Right. So, uh, we just wanted
to say we're sorry,

and, you know,
all that stuff.

Apology accepted,

and all that stuff.

And if Andrew cries tonight,
we'll take care of it.

Yeah. Yeah.
That's right.

If, uh...
If Andrew cries tonight,

Mallory will
take care of it.


It's too quiet,

Oh, come on, Elyse.

Let's enjoy this.

This is what
we wanted, isn't it?


What do you want to do?

I don't know.
What do you want to do?

Well, I have
a vague recollection

of you and me
being in bed together.

Oh, yeah, that.

I think I remember.

I think
we're falling asleep, Elyse.

We're definitely
falling asleep.

I knew there had
to be a catch.

I love you.

I love you too, honey.