Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 3, Episode 2 - Here We Go Again - full transcript

Dad Steven was looking forward to a weekend camping with the kids, although only Jennifer volunteers to forgo urban comforts, Alex can't be bothered and Mallory can't live without, well, her whole room-content. Ma Elyse stays home, she's behind with work and feels miserable but just got a clean bill of health after a medical. Skippy turns up, having been invited for dinner by wicked Mallory and manages to stay for breakfast. Then her doctor rings with vital news she had presumed impossible: Elyse is as thrilled as surprised, but isn't looking forward to telling Steven he's going to be a dad again; to make it even harder, the camping trip fell trough in heavy rain as Mallory chucked out the tent for her make up-table, so his mood is thundery, yet he soon warms to the idea. Now the parents-to-be-again must tell the children, who have a dauntingly realistic view of the practical price they'll all pay and various objections, while neither gender wants another sibling of the other...

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Okay, Dad, I'm ready.

I got the ground cloth,
tent, and canteen.

I've got the tackle box,
the lantern, the stove.

The stove? I thought we were
really gonna rough it,

live off the land,
cook on an open fire.

Well, if it were up to me,
Jennifer, we would,

but let's face it,

I don't think your
brother or your sister

share our enthusiasm
for the great outdoors.

All right,
let's get this over with.

We're going to be camping,
Alex, not gathering honey.

Why limit ourselves, Dad?

Can one of you fit this
in your backpack for me?

I don't have any more room
in here.

What are you going to do
with the hair dryer, Mallory?

We're going to be out
in the middle of nowhere.

Where are you gonna
plug it in?

Aren't we bringing
any outlets?

Uh, why don't you kids start
getting the car packed?

Hey, why don't you bring every
article of clothing you own?

You know,
we can move out of the tent.

You can use it as a closet.

You'd do that for me?

Oh, I'm glad you're still here.

I was afraid
I was gonna miss you.

You're sure to don't want
to come with us?

Oh, honey, I can't.

I got to get this
project finished by Monday.

I've been so tired lately,
I wouldn't be much fun anyway.

I don't know what's wrong.

I just haven't had
my normal energy for weeks.

Maybe the kids and I should stay
home this weekend.

Oh, come on. I... I'm fine.

You guys have been looking
forward to this for a long time.

Well, I would hate
to break Alex's heart.

He does so love the woods.

You go have a good time.

There's nothing to worry about.
I saw Dr. Carlson yesterday,

and she gave me
every test there is.

She said I'm a perfectly
healthy human specimen

at the peak of my womanhood.

My sentiments precisely.

I feel like a piece
of day-old liver.

Don't go getting me
all excited, Elyse.

I've got to take
the kids camping.

Okay, Dad, let's go.
I'm not getting any younger.

All right, I'm ready.

We'll grab some breakfast
on the road.

You sure you can't
come with us, Mom?

Oh, I've got too much
work to do.

All right, well, it's not going
to be the same without you.

Who's gonna chop
the firewood?

I will, as usual.

I just want everyone to see

that in the spirit
of getting back to nature,

I've decided to go
with a clear nail polish.

Hello, Mrs. Keaton.

I hope I'm not too late.


Mallory invited me
to lunch today.

Oh, Mallory's not here.
She's gone camping.


I see.

This is this Saturday,
isn't it?

Well, Mallory's been planning
on going camping for weeks.

That explains why she invited

Well, it's all right.

I don't need lunch.

Of course,
I didn't have any breakfast.

You know, breakfast, the most
important meal of the day,

which, of course, lunch becomes

if you haven't eaten
any breakfast,

which I haven't.

How does peanut butter
and jelly sound?

Well, my mother always says
I should have a hot lunch.

I'll heat it for you.

Great. It's really lonely
at my house.

My parents went to Dayton
for a symposium on aging:

"Making the most
of your twilight years. "

I can see why you choose
not to join them.

Yeah. I think I got all I could

out of the first two
in the series.

Make yourself at home, Skippy.

Yeah, actually,

I'm kind of glad you dropped by.

It was getting a little
lonely here for me

with everybody gone.

Well, Mrs. Keaton,
don't you worry,

I'll make you
an excellent companion.

Would you care for a game of jacks? No.

Or perhaps some yo-yo tricks?


Oh, hi, Dr. Carlson.
How are you?

Oh, you do.
Okay, yeah, go ahead.


What? No.

No, I-I don't believe you.


Doctor, wait a minute,

I don't believe this.

Y- y-you said it was
virtually impossible...

We did.

I am.



Okay, okay.


What is it, Mrs. Keaton?

Why do you ask?

No reason.

Steve. Steven.

I've got to call Steven.

He's in a tent.
He's in the woods.

Didn't take a phone
in the tent.

I don't believe this.
This is incredible.

There must be some mistake.

She's a doctor.

She knows what
she's talking about.

Mrs. Keaton, are you sick?

No. I feel fine.

That's great.

Skippy, you're not
gonna believe this.


We're going to have a baby.

We are?

Gitchee, gitchee, gitchee,
gitchee, gitchee.

Oh, Steven.

Steven. Oh.

Uh, Steven.

Sit down for a second.
Let me tell you something.

Uh, do you remember that weekend

we spent at that
bed and breakfast place

and skipped breakfast?


Steven, how many people
do you think are in this room?


Steven, Steven,

do you remember
how you always said

that we have the three
most wonderful,

considerate children

in the whole world?

Those are the three
most selfish,

spoiled, inconsiderate
children in the world.

What happened? How come
you're home a day early?

Elyse, this is not my idea
of a relaxing drive

up into the mountains:


Alex, it's an honest mistake.

It could have
happened to anybody.

Not anybody who walks erect.

What happened?

Well, thanks to Mallory,

we went camping without a tent.

Wait a minute.
I saw your dad

put the tent
in the trunk himself.

Yeah, Mom, what you didn't see
was Mallory taking the tent

out of the trunk to make room
for her makeup table.

I didn't think
it was anything important.

I thought it was just
Alex's sleeping bag.

Where was I supposed to sleep,
Mallory, in a tree?

Where's Jennifer?

Well, I told her
to take our gear down

off the luggage rack.

Jennifer, leave the gear!

Just come inside!

Why did you tell
her to do that?

Dad, I knew she was disappointed
about the camping trip,

so I thought
this was a good way

for her to get some fresh air.

Look at those rosy cheeks.

I couldn't get
the sleeping bag untied.

They were up too high.

Hey, uh, the ladder is in
the garage, Jennifer.


Alex, you think you're
the boss over me.

He thinks he's the boss over
everybody, Jennifer.

Now what's the matter?

Hold it! Hold it!

Up to your rooms, now.

Uh, Dad,

I think I'm a little old

to be sent to my room.

You're also too old
to be whining in the car

the whole way back.

I wasn't whining.

Get up there.


Do you remember how these
camping trips used to be?

Just the two of us
up there in the woods,

with the stars, the moon,
a little fire going.


Oh, boy.
I miss those days.

I mean, I love the kids,
Elyse, you know that,

but I'll tell you, part of me
is really looking forward

to the day when
the kids are grown

and it'll be just
the two of us again.

Are you really?

I am tired,

I am cranky,

I am fed up.

Just do not mention
the word "kid" to me,

we'll be okay.


Okay, I'll try.

Did you...? Did you get
the test results

from your physical?

You're not making
it easy on me.

What did Dr. Carlson
have to say?

Well, my blood pressure's
a little low.

Nothing to worry about.

Uh, triglycerides,
never better.

I'm the perfect height
for someone my age.

Oh, I almost forgot,

I'm pregnant.


anything else happen
while I was gone?

Your suit came back
from the cleaners.

This is a big day.

Um, who else knows about this?

Only you and Skippy.

Oh, of course.

I- I thought you'd be happy.

I'm happy. I'm happy.

Don't I look happy?

You look shocked.

Uh, I am.

I'm shocked and happy.

I'm shappy.

You're babbling.

I am. I'm babbling

and I'm shocked and I'm happy.

I'm bashappy.

We always said
we'd welcome a new baby.

Well, I-I-I know.

I- I just didn't think
we'd get the chance to.

I mean, after Jennifer was born,

the doctor said,
uh, that was it.

I mean, the chances...

The chances of your getting
pregnant again were very slim.

But you do welcome this baby,
don't you?

I do. I do.
Of course I do.

It's just I'm, uh...


It's just beginning
to dawn on me.

A baby.

This is incredible.

This is... This is fantastic.

Uh, Dad, listen,

the three of us were talking

about all that car stuff,

and, well,
we're sorry, you know?

Did you hear that, Elyse?

You're the three most wonderful
children in the world.

Told you I didn't have to cry,

Kids, come on over here.

We got to tell you
something real important.

Come on, kids. Sit down.

Is something wrong, Mom?

Oh, no, honey.
Everything's fine.

It's just that, uh,

Well, I'm pregnant.


You mean...
You mean, like, with a baby?

I know, it's a shock.

Believe me, no one was
more surprised than I was.

Oh, no. Skippy was.

Skippy knows?

You mean,
people outside the house

are gonna know about this?

I'll have to drop out of school.

All right, uh,
let me get this straight.

You and Mom are gonna
have a baby?

That's right.

And you're pregnant?

You picked the right one.

I see. Uh.

Girls, Mom's pregnant.

Please leave the room.
This is not a topic for females.


I can't believe this.

Are you sure, Mom?

Well, that's what
the doctor said.

Well, aren't you kids excited?

Well, it's embarrassing.
You're parents.

You shouldn't
be having children.

Come on, you guys,
Mallory is right.

You're too old.

You're too kind.

I'm just being realistic, Mom.

You're not going to be able

to do the things that...
That younger parents do.

Who is, uh...?

Who is going to toss a football
with this kid?

Old Gramps here?

Alex, it might not be someone
who likes football,

it might even be a girl.

Wait a minute.

Nobody said anything
about having a girl.

No, sir, that is where
I draw the line.

I am definitely against
you having a girl.

This baby is gonna change
all our lives.

Just think they should have
asked us how we felt about it.

You know, we should try
and look at this thing

from their point of view.

They're not exactly a couple
of spring chickens, you know.

This is, uh... This is their
last grasp at youth.

It's their last chance

to feel like a functioning part
of nature's fertility cycle

before they shrivel up,
join bowling leagues.

I just can't help thinking
another brother or sister's

gonna upset the delicate balance
of give and take,

the balance of space we've
established in this family.

That's quite
an advanced thought, Mallory.

I, uh... I didn't know you had
such an understanding

of group dynamics.

I was talking
about closet space.

I don't know what you guys
are complaining about.

I'm the youngest.

I should feel
the most threatened.

You know, Jennifer is right.

Look, this thing is gonna be
hardest on her.

She's used to being
the baby of the family,

getting all the attention.


Now she's going to be ignored.

A virtual nobody.
One of the crowd.

A piece of driftwood.

Mere flotsam washed up
on the shores of life.

I get the point, Alex.

Okay, girls, you're just gonna
have to be mature about this.

Now, there is going to be
another member of this family,

and you're both going
to have to make sacrifices.

What about you?

I'm the oldest son.

There are certain inalienable
rights to that position.

You can't pull rank
on this one, Alex.

When the baby cries at 3:00
in the morning,

it's gonna wake everyone up.
Even the first-born son.

Can you imagine Alex
changing a diaper?

Or Alex going
gitchee, gitchee, goo?

I can go "gitchee,
gitchee, goo," Mallory.

I just don't think infants
should be spoken to

in that manner.

What would you say to the baby
if it were crying, Alex?

I would, uh...

I would walk over
to the edge of the crib,

and I would explain
to the infant

that crying is merely
an instinctive reaction

to transitory,
albeit unpleasant,

environmental stimuli.

Why does that
sound so familiar?

To which I would add,

uh, "gitchee, uh,
gitchee, goo. "

I just had a scary thought.

We could have another
little Alex on our hands.

You're making me
very nervous, Mallory.

Well, you should be nervous.

Think about all the negatives
to the situation.

Babies cry at night
when you're trying to sleep.

They have bad table manners.

They're bald.

They never pick up
after themselves.

They have runny noses.

When you stand them up,
they fall right over.

They can't hold their liquor.

Then again,
they cuddle up in your arms.

They smell good.

They gurgle and coo.

They idolize
their older brother.

Of course,
who could blame them?

You know, I can't recall
which of you girls

looked up to me more
when you were babies.

Or should I say worshipped?


Are you okay?

Hm? Oh, sure. I'm fine.

I just couldn't sleep.
I was so excited.

How you two feeling?


Fine, how are you?

I had a little
trouble sleeping.

I, uh... I can't stop thinking.

About what?

I mean, about what specifically?

Elyse, I'm 40 years old.

I'm about to become
a father again.

Last time I changed a diaper,
Richard Nixon was president.

Thought I'd seen
the last of both of them.

You know what I keep realizing?


We have to start watching
Sesame Streetagain.

Romper Room. Mister Rogers'.

I likeMister Rogers'.

Have to start going to the zoo.

Pony rides.

Birthday parties.

Sterilizing baby bottles.

Tripping over toys.

Before you know it,

the terrible twos
will be upon us.

Remember when Alex used to run
around the house all the time

going, "Mine! Mine!"?

He never really outgrew that,
did he?

Seems like such a long time ago.

I know. I've been doing
some calculations.

When the baby's 10,
I'll be 50.

When the baby's 20,
I'll be 60.

When the baby's 30,
I'll be 70.

70 is a little old to have
a baby, isn't it?

It won't be a baby
when it's 30.

I guess you're right.

When the baby's 40,
Jennifer will be 51.

Cut it out.

I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to the idea.

Neither am I.

It's a nice idea
to get used to, isn't it?

I wish the kids
were more excited.

Oh, they'll come around.

Who could not love
a beautiful newborn baby?

Besides, it gives us
someone else to pick on.

You know, uh,

there's one other thing
about this

we haven't mentioned.

It's gonna be real expensive.

I find this absolutely
the sexiest thing in the world.

Aw, hey, hey, hey. Come on.
Cut it out.

Don't you know that's how you
got into trouble

in the first place?

Alex, what are you doing up?

How am I supposed to sleep, Mom?

I'm about to become a brother
for the third time.

It's not gonna happen tonight,

It's not, is it, Elyse?

I can almost guarantee it.

What's in the package?

Oh, uh, it's something
I picked up for the little guy.

Oh, it's so cute.

Yeah, uh, pull the string.

I love Alex.


Isn't that sweet?

Oh, my...

Yeah, you know, I think I need
to get one of these for myself.

This is going to be
a long nine months.

We thought about having
a little brother or sister,

and we decided that
it could be a lot of fun.

Yeah, the family needs
a little shaking up anyway.

Thank you, honey.
This is beautiful.

Look at that.

Well, it's getting pretty late.

I think we'd better
call it a night, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Come on.