Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 3, Episode 19 - Cry Baby - full transcript

Everybody else goes baby-crazy all the time, even Alex who can see the next Richard Nixon and Mickey Mantle rolled into one bassinet. Even losing her place in the center on family pictures makes Jen decide she hates 'rival' Andy and turns childish again, which Alex correctly calls regressive behavior. The kid has healthy longs, and a 'vocal volume' which keeps everybody awake, desperately trying to sing him to sleep. An attempt to make Jen the center of family attention again is professionally cried apart by Andy and baby-mania...

♪ I'll bet
We've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I'll bet
We'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Ooh, it's like
I started breathin' ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't
No nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love
Each other through ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la ♪

Oh, oh, I'm
telling you, Dad.

From this angle,
he is the spitting image.

I completely disagree,

Well, Dad, will you come over
to this side, take a look.

Alex, that's enough.

He does not look like
Richard Nixon.

Maybe someday.

He is a sweet-looking baby.

I can't wait to take some
pictures with this new camera.

I- I don't know, Dad.

I mean, uh, not so good
with cameras.

Alex, this talking camera is
the easiest camera in the world.

Tells you what to do
every step of the way.

It is foolproof.

Load film now.



Load film now.

Uh, you want me
to help you, Dad?

Alex, you're supposed to be
helping me with my homework.

It's important.

Baby pictures
are important too.

You know, my child psychology
professor says that,

without enough attention
from the family

your baby can grow up

even of subnormal intelligence.

My light bulb's out
in my bedroom.

What are we gonna do now?

Sometimes all three.

Oh, good. We're all here
for the pictures!

Mom, will you please
help me with my homework?

Uh, maybe later, honey.

Your dad has his new camera
and he's anxious to use it.

And it's all set
and ready to go.


First, we'll need, uh,
mother and baby.

Then, uh, big sister and baby.

Then, uh, mother, big sister
and baby by the sofa.

And then the sofa
by the bassinet.

Maybe by the window...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dad...

D- Dad, time-out, time-out.

Look, there are five regular
people here and one baby.

Now, the, uh,
possible permutations

of pictures
with the baby are 178.

With each piece of furniture,

the number's gonna go
into the millions.

Well, then we better
get going.

Um, so let's start
with mother and baby.

Oh, that's perfect!

Don't move!

Load film now.

Wait a second.

I... I know what's wrong.

You press this and...

that and that.

Film exposed.

Why you...

Whoa, Dad, whoa!

Break it up, you guys!

Come on,
break it up.

Look, Dad.
We'll talk to it, okay?

We'll make it understand.

It lied to me, Alex.

Will you three be quiet, please?
I'm trying to do my homework.

Okay, come on. Let's...
Let's get the group shot now.

Mother holding baby.

Come on, everybody,
take your places.

you're blocking the baby.

Well, this is where I always
stand for family pictures.

Where do you want me
to stand now?

W... Just... Just move over
to one side or the other,

it doesn't matter,

as long as that little guy's
in the middle.

Come on, Jen.
Come on. Over here.

Let's go,
let's get this over with.

Here we go.


Come on, Andrew.



Load film now.

Thank you for making breakfast
this morning, Mallory.

Andy kept me up
most of the night.

Yeah, I heard.

I'm sorry.
Did he wake you up too?

A little bit,
but I don't mind.

Out of all your sons,

he's the one
I'd rather hear babble.

Good morning, everybody.

Time for an empirical

of sensory influences
on infants.

See what I mean?

What are you doing
with that stuff, Alex?

Well, Mom, I just wanna
make sure that Andrew

has all the proper influences.

The earlier
he gets started,

the better athlete
he's gonna be.

Yo, Andy, listen up.
This big guy is a football.

This is what America
is all about.

Teamwork, competition,
shaving points,

bone-crushing tackles,
playing in pain,

spitting blood.

That's enough baby talk,

Where's Dad?

He promised to take me
to Chrissie's today.

He'll be back
in a few minutes.

He went to get
the baby pictures developed.

Dad promised to take me!

Well, he'll be back in a minute.

I don't want to wait a minute,
I want him now.

I'm tired of waiting.

He promised to take me.
He promised.

Take it easy, honey.
He will be here.

Yo! There he is! Hi, Dad.

Did you get the pictures, Dad? Yeah.

But I had to wait 15 minutes
for the store to open.

I've had it.

I'm turning this kitchen
into a darkroom.

No way. Let me see.
Let me see, let me see.

Whoa! Good shot.

Look at him. Look at him.

He's laughing.
Who's that, huh?

Who's that, huh?
Who's that?

Dad, you were supposed
to take me

to Chrissie's early today.

I have to study, remember?

Are you ready to go?

I don't think so.

I- I was so anxious to, uh...

To get the pictures,
I forgot to get dressed.

Um, I'll be down
in a minute, huh?

Yeah, I gotta
get dressed too.

Oh, this is great.

Oh, oh. I-I should put 'em
in the album.

We don't want to get
fingerprints on 'em.

Will you look after Andy
for a minute, honey.

Yeah, sure, Mom.

Give me a chance to quiz him
on the suicide blitz.

Alex, will you help me with
my math? I have a test today.

Come on, big guy.
Listen, I'll show ya.

Alex, will you stop talking
to the baby for two seconds!

Okay, okay, Jennifer.
Oh, great.

Look what the baby did
to my homework!

He spilled milk all over it.

Nice going!

Whoa, Jen...

Mommy, Daddy,
the baby spilled milk...

Jennifer, it's not
the baby's...

Mommy! Daddy!
... fault.

See, that's why
I'm glad you're a guy.

We don't get upset over
little things like spilled...





What are you doing?

I'm going in to get Andrew.

Steven, that'll
be the fifth time

you've picked him up
since midnight.

Elyse, he's crying.

Honey, we've been
through this before.

If you pick Andrew up
every time he cries,

he's never gonna
stop crying.

Does that mean when he's 30,
he'll still cry in his crib?

Not if we bring him up

Elyse, how can you
be so cruel?

He's only been alone
for four minutes.

Four minutes is a big chunk
of his life, Elyse.

We're not gonna spoil
this baby, Steven.

Come on,
let's go back to bed.

Boy, has this kid got lungs.

Andrew, Andrew.


Where you going?

I was gonna straighten
this picture.


Well, he's still crying, honey.

I thought you didn't
want to spoil him.

I don't, but I can't
bear to hear him cry.

He stopped crying.


Is Andrew up again?

We can't get him
to go to sleep.

Oh, look, maybe we should sing
to him.

Dad, we want him to sleep,
not try and escape.

We should try singing.
We should try anything.

I've got to get to sleep.

We'll sing, we'll sing.

Wait a minute.
What are we gonna sing?

Something for a baby.

Hey, do you know
"Let's Get Crazy" by Prince?

It was our wedding song.

Come on, come on.

No, come on. I'm not singing
anything by Prince.

Come on!
I'm tired, let's just...!

♪ Down by the old millstream ♪

♪ Where I first met you ♪

♪ You were 16 ♪

♪ You were 16 ♪

♪ My village queen ♪

♪ My village queen ♪

♪ Down by the old ♪

♪ Millstream ♪

Good night.


Look, we can work this out.
We can work it out.

I know we can.

Now, what has stopped him
from crying so far?

When we went in there to sing,
he stopped crying.

Go in there to sing,
stopped crying.

When I brought him
out here before,

he stopped crying.

Bring him out here,
stopped cry...

Okay, I've got it.
Come on.

What are we gonna do?

Shh, shh.

What are you doing?

Take it easy.

That's my boy.

Don't you wake up, boy.

Little baby.

♪ Down by the old mill... ♪

♪... stream ♪

Nice try, Dad.

What's going on
out here?

Andrew's having
trouble sleeping.

Yeah, well, so am I,

and I have to get up early

to finish the homework
that he ruined.

Honey, we're doing
the best we can.

I have to get to sleep!

But Andrew's just a baby.

He's not keeping you up
on purpose.

Oh, I'm not so sure.

You know,
I live here too!

Why can't you understand that?

All you ever think about
is yourself!

I hate you! I wish
Mom and Dad never had you!


Hey, the French toast is up.

Come and get it.


maybe you could, uh,
bring it over here.

Yeah, sure thing, Dad.





French toast.

Vive la France!

No, Elyse,
not a French toast.

French toast.
You might as well...

You might as well eat it.
I can't reach it.

Oh, sure.
Oh, come on.

Honey, honey, honey,

maybe you should take a sip
of this coffee.

Um, Mallory made it.
I think it'll perk you up.


I used five times
the regular amount of beans.

Where's Jennifer?

Oh, I saw her upstairs before.
She looked pretty upset.

She thinks
we've forgotten about her.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

We haven't forgotten
about her.

As soon as, uh...

Jennifer. Jennifer gets down here,

we're going to have
a talk with her.

Well, if you ask me,
I think she's showing

all the classic symptoms
of regression syndrome.

You know, in order
to compete with Andy,

she's acting much younger
than she really is.

Did Alex regress
when I was born?

Well, let's see,
he was 2...

Oh, yeah. For a couple of weeks,
he refused to tie his own tie.

I wonder if I'll regress at all
now that Andrew's born.

You're at ground zero now,

You regress any more,
you're gonna disappear.

We have a problem and we're
gonna have to deal with it.

Look, face the facts, Mom.

When one has
a baby late in life,

there's a tendency to become
obsessed with said infant.

Oh, come on, I don't think
we're obsessed with said infant.

What do you think,


Good morning, everyone.
Oh, hi, Jenny.

Hi, honey.
How are you feeling?

Fine. Fine.

Um, Jennifer,

I- let's discuss what
happened last night.

What happened
last night?

When you got mad
and yelled at the baby.

Oh, that.

I was just tired,
that's all.

I'll see you guys later.

I'm gonna go eat breakfast
over at Chrissie's house.


Very interesting.

She's a fascinating subject,
isn't she?

She's not a subject.
She's your sister.

Look, I'm just trying to keep
a detached professionalism

about this, Mr. Keaton.

Hate to admit it,
but maybe Alex has a point.

I mean, she didn't even peek
at Andrew when she came in here.

All right, well,
when she comes home today,

then we'll just sit her down
and have a talk.

Well, I don't know, Elyse.

This whole thing
could blow over.

We could do more harm
than good by having

a whole big discussion
about it.

Absolutely. All that's required
here is a gesture of love.

Slip her 100 bucks.

You can't show love
by giving someone money.

Uh, give her leg warmers.

Yeah, maybe we should pay
more attention to her. You...

Make her feel more special.

Hey, hey.

Remember how she felt

when we threw her
that big birthday party?

Maybe we could do
something like that.

Make her feel good again.

All right. We can.

Let's give her
a special night tonight.

She can plan
the whole evening.

We'll have whatever she wants
for dinner, we'll play games,

it'll be fun for all of us.

Keep 100 bucks handy,
though, just in case.

Mom, this cake is great.

Thank you, honey.

I know you always like triple-
layered chocolate-chip cake

with double-fudge frosting.

You know, I feel kind
of funny about everybody

making such a fuss
over me tonight.

Want us to stop?

Nope. I'm loving it.

It's our pleasure.

Is there anything special
you want to do after dessert?

Let's play charades.

I've got one.
All right, let's go!

Come on. Heh-heh.

It's a movie!

Three words.

Excuse me, Jennifer.
Hold on. Wait a minute.


Hello. Oh, hi, Mom.

Heh. W...
No, he really can't come

to the phone right now,
he's sleeping.

No, I love
those gurgly noises he makes,

but he's not making them now...
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.

She always falls for this.

Goo, goo, goo, goo.

Goo, goo, goo, goo.

Hi, Grandma.
How you doing?

No, no, no.
It's me, Alex.


He's cute, isn't he?

Okay, Mom.
We'll talk to you later.

Can you believe that?

Grandma wanted to hear, uh,
little Andrew's gurgly sounds

on the phone.

How can you blame her?
He's such a great gurgler.

Oh, he sure is.

I was t...

So, Jennifer,

uh, you were acting out
a movie, right?

Right. Yeah, come on.
Come on. Let's go.


Yeah, right, movie.
Three words.

Three words.

Second word,
second wor...

I'll go.

Uh, it's a... It's a deer.
It's got horns. It's...

I don't know.

Where's the baby powder?

Uh, next to
the cotton balls!

It's not there!

Uh, I'll be right back.

You ought to go up there, Mom.

I mean, we can play charades
some other night.

No way.

Mallory and your father

are perfectly capable
of handling the situation.


I'll be right back.

They'll be right back.

Go ahead, Jen. G...
Go ahead with your charade.


I got it!

I got it.
The MacNeil/Lehrer Report.

He's okay.

I think he just wanted
some company.


Jennifer, we're ready.

Yeah, a movie,
three words, right?

Right, and it's not
the MacNeil/Lehrer Report.

This is the second word.
Second word.

Have I ever seen this movie?


So we know it's a cartoon.


Bouncing moose.

Whoa, did you hear that?
It sounded like a laugh!

Come on, Mallory,
that's impossible.

He can't laugh.

He's laughing!
Look at this!

It's his first official laugh.

A laugh? No. Really?

You think you can get him
to laugh again?

Hey, come on!

Tickle him.

It's the rattle.

He's smiling!

Hey, look, look, look.

That's his first
real smile!

A quarterback.

He's not gonna
play football.

I have to find a place
where there are no babies.


I've already heard
the baby laugh.

Thanks anyway.

Mind if we come in?

If you want.

What are you doing?

Trying to find
a new place to live.

The best I've come up with
so far are New Jersey

and Iceland.

Ah. Uh, what's it gonna be?

I'm leaning towards Jersey.

About tonight, Jen...
we're sorry.

Yeah. We...

We wanted you to have
a special night,

but it didn't work
out that way.

Of course it didn't.

The baby started smiling,
then laughing.

Next he'll be sitting up,

then crawling,

then he'll be eating
solid foods

and not spitting it up.

How could I compete
with that?

It's not a competition,

Honey, we... We know
it was probably a mistake

to have a Jennifer night.

I- it was... phony.
I- it was artificial.

I don't know
what happened.

I mean, I was really looking
forward to the baby

before he came.

Then when he got here,

I felt...

in the way.

In the way?

Now, look, honey,

this is your home.

We're your family.

You'll never be in the way.

Do you still love me?

Honey, come on.
Of course.

We just don't realize
that we have to remind you

how we feel about you.

Maybe just once in a while.

We're silly.

Thanks for coming up here
and telling me all this stuff.

Oh, forget it!

That's what parents are for...

to tell kids stuff.

Hi, Jen.

Hey, sorry about your night
getting spoiled, Jennifer.

Yeah, I was, uh...

I was really looking forward
to playing charades.

But you hate charades.

I came up here to be nice.
Give me a break, Jen.

Oh, sorry.

You guys excuse us?

I think, uh, Jen, Andrew and I
have some things to talk about.

Well, sure.

Uh, Andrew, listen,

you're gonna hear
a lot of girl talk,

so, uh, just nod a lot,
like it makes sense.

You know, Jen, when...
When you were first born,

I was jealous of you.

You were?


You know, I got tired of
hearing about how cute you were

and how much fun
you were to play with.

How'd you get over it?

Well, pretty soon I realized

that you were cute and
that you were fun to play with.

That's true, I am.

And then I realized
that Mom and Dad

have enough love
for all of us.

You're a great
big sister, Mallory.

Not such a hard job.

You're gonna be a great
big sister too.

Maybe you oughta give him
to me for a while.


You guys look great together.


can we talk?

This is a great time
of your life.

You're lucky.

And you should enjoy it now
because when you grow up...

That's around 7.

...things change.

You go from helpless
and cuddly

to a low person
on the totem pole.

You'll be expected
to do the dishes,

take out the garbage,

wash my bike.

when I said I hated you,

I didn't mean it.

I'm sorry I said that.

You're my brother.

I love you.

Oh, Andrew, you're laughing.
A real laugh.

Oh, my gosh.

Come quick, everyone!
Hurry up. The baby's laughing!

Whoa, look at that.
What's up?

Honey. Oh, he was.

I didn't get to see...
Oh, hey!

Smile for me, look here.

Here we go!


Load film now.