Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 3, Episode 18 - Birth of a Keaton: Part 2 - full transcript

While everyone is at Steven's PBS station telethon, Steven is called home for plumbing issues. As Elyse sings for the telethon audience, she goes into labor. With snow storm complications, Elyse gives birth at the television station.

Last week on Family Ties,

the whole family
was down at WKS

helping Steven on
the final night of pledge week.

♪ WKS, you're the one ♪

Oh, no way.
No, don't touch a thing.

Don't do anything
until I get there.

I've gotta go home.

We've got major
plumbing problems.

Oh, Steven, I don't want you
to miss my song.

Don't worry. I'll only
be gone a little bit.

There's plenty of time
before you go on.

Gus, I'll be back in
a few minutes.

Well, I guess
I'll rehearse.

Okay, Elyse. You're on
after the magician.

Well... Well, I don't wanna sing
if Steven's not here.

We'll clap really loud
no matter how bad you sing.

Hey. Your wife's
on television.

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Wow. She really
nailed it that time.

I think
I'm going into labor.


Steven, if you're watching,
meet me at the hospital.

Elyse, I'll be there
in 15 minutes.

Be there in ten minutes!

Ten minutes, and
I'll get your suitcase.

A- and don't
forget my suitcase!

Stop nagging.
I'm coming.

♪ I'll bet
We've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I'll bet
We'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Ooh, it's like
I started breathin' ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't
No nothin' ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la ♪

I thought
I'd anticipated

every possible

Prepared for
every contingency.

But I never expected my wife
would go into labor

on television.

Well, that's the one
most people overlook.

Come in.

Oh, Mr. Keaton.

Ah, boy. Were you
watching TV just now?

Yes, Skippy.
I saw the whole thing.

Was it not amazing?

A mid-court shot
at the buzzer.


what are you
talking about?

The basketball game.
What are you talking about?

Mrs. Keaton just
went into labor!



Imagine that.

We were talking about two
completely different things.

Mrs. Keaton's
going into labor!

Wait a minute.

That means she's
gonna have the baby!

Who are you?

I'm the plumber.

Shouldn't you be
a doctor?

I'm not here
to deliver a baby.

I'm here to fix
the plumbing.

You're doing
a nice job.

So, uh,
tell me,

Mrs. Keaton?

Mrs. Keaton just went into labor
down at the TV station.

That's where Mr. Keaton
is going now.

Now? Oh...

it's really
snowing outside.

Why doesn't he just
stay home here with us

and watch it
on TV?

All right!

I think
I have everything:

ChapStick, towels,

a fan, uh,
two tennis balls

and a bottle
of champagne.

Where you going,
Club Med?

Bud, you do whatever
you need to do

to fix this plumbing.

We're gonna
have a baby!

So who won
the basketball game?

I don't know. It
went into overtime.

So what do you
wanna do?

You wanna watch
the basketball game,

or you wanna watch
Mrs. Keaton giving birth?

We'll flip
back and forth.

Oh. The damn car is stuck
in the snow.

Skippy, Bud, you mind giving me
a hand pushing it out?

Oh, sure. Yeah.



You don't have tire chains
in that Lamaze bag of yours,

you're not
going anywhere.

You want me to check?

What do you mean,

I didn't know it was
snowing that hard out.

You'll never get
your car out of there.

No. This is terrible.

All right. Mr. Keaton,
we'll take my bike.

No. We'll take
my truck.

I got
chains on.

And besides, I never
get stuck.

All right.

Come on, kid.
You better come with us

in case
we get stuck.

But you said you...

Shut up, kid.


I got shotgun.

Okay. All right, Mom.

All right. Just
stay calm, okay?!

The important thing here
is thatyoustay calm!

I can, uh,
handle everything.

Well, I can't handle

But if youstay calm,
we're okay.

Alex, why don't you
stay calm?

Okay, fair enough.
That's a start.

We should stop
standing around

and get Mom
to the hospital.

Hospital. Good.

Uh, Jen. Uh, let's
get the coats.

All right.

Does it hurt,

No. No, it's not bad.
Just a little...

twinge now and then.

You know, it's funny.
I could've sworn

this wouldn't be
till next month.

Um, is there anything
I can do to help?

Yeah, start thinking
of names. We don't have one.

Um, how about
"Early" Keaton?

How you feeling,

Well, I'll
tell you, Gus,

I don't think I'm
gonna finish my song.

Oh, boy, boy, boy.
Those pledges have been

pouring in like crazy.

I mean, that audience
really got excited

when you went
into labor.

Man, we should do this
every year.

Don't look at me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.

Listen, Elyse
has gone into labor.

Now, she can't
finish her song.

You've gotta
go back on, okay?

This is my big chance.
My big break.

Oh, thank you,
Mrs. Keaton. Thank you.


Okay, Mom. All right.

Let's go.
I'll drive.

Uh, you ready?
I couldn't be readier.

All right,
let's go. Okay.



There she goes,
ladies and gentlemen.


You know,
I love new babies,

'cause they're the only people
who haven't heard my jokes.

Hey, uh, any new babies
in the audience? Huh?

Raise your rattles.

Hey, how many of you babies
are from out of town, huh?

Hey, that was

Was it a boy
or a girl?

Well, uh...
We can't leave.

The guard said the roads
are impassable.

We're, uh, gonna
have to try again

in a little
while, Mom.

I'm afraid not.

Things are happening
a lot faster than I thought.

I'm not
going anywhere.

Ah, Mom, will you just
control yourself?

I'm doing the best I can.

Ah... Ah, Gus,
what are we gonna do?

I'm not sure. But
just don't panic, okay?

Right. Okay. Don't panic.
Don't panic. Don't panic.

Is there a doctor
in the house?! Anywhere!

That's a good question.
Is there a doctor here?

Because if there is,
I've got this...

Uh, no. Jackie.
... thing in my back...

No. Please, is there
a doctor in the house?

Yeah. Uh, maybe I can
help you. I'm Dr. Witt.


Wow. Mom,
we have a doctor.

Right here.

Oh, thank God.

Uh, I j...

You're the one who's
pregnant, right?

Yeah, I...

Are you
an obstetrician?

A botanist.

A botanist?
Yeah. Plants.

Hubert Witt, Ph. D.

You mean you're
not a real doctor?

I resent that.

Uh, look, no offense.

It's just that
we need somebody

to help us
deliver a baby.

But how different
can it be, you know?

A bee carries pollen
from flower to flower.

A man, a woman...
Uh, no. Thanks.

Thank you.

Boy, you try to
help people and...

Dr. Witt, ladies and gentlemen.
The plant doctor.

Mom, what are we gonna do?

Mom, couldn't you and Dad
have planned this little event

for the summer?

Maybe next time.

Next time?

Look. We have
no choice.

I think we're gonna
have to have the baby here.

And we'll be back with that baby
in just a few minutes.

Uh, excuse me.
My name is Erwin Handleman.

We're having a baby.

He's carrying

Not me. Him.


I'm Steven

I'm his neighbor.

And I'm his plumber.

Well, that's everyone we need.

Let's get you three
into delivery.

My wife is the one
who's having the baby.

She's already here.
Her name is Elyse Keaton.

One moment.

That's with a K.

Well, I'm sorry,
Mr. Keaton,

but your wife isn't registered
in this hospital.

That's impossible.
She's in labor.

And thisis
our hospital.

Uh, she's probably
in Delivery right now.

Probably took
her right in...

Uh, Mr. Keaton...
I'm sorry, sir,

but no Elyse...

Keaton has
been admitted.

Thanks for
your help, Don.

They should all go
as well as that one did.

Dr. Alexander?

Hi. Steven Keaton.

How is she?
Oh. Hi, Steven.

Oh, she's fine.
Just fine.

And the baby?
A 7-pound girl.

Congratulations, Mr. Keaton!

Wonderful. A girl.

Can I...
Can I see her now?

I didn't know
you knew the Dorfmans.

Th... The...
The Dorfmans?

Uh, n...
Not Elyse?

No. Is Elyse here?

She was down at
the station.

I was at home
checking on the plumbing,

and I saw her go into labor
on television.

Hm. We'd better get down there.
I'll go get my things.

But she... She could be
on her way over here.

I'd better call,
see what's going on.

Nice hospital, kid.
Were you born here?

Me? Oh,
I- I don't know.

I was adopted...

so I wasn't
at my birth.

Uh... Look.
Uh, Mr. Keaton.

Look there
on the TV.

Not now, Skippy.
I'm trying to call my wife.

ELYSE Steven, if you're watching,

I couldn't make it
to the hospital.

I'm still here
at the station.

Don't go to the hospital.

But I'm already
at the hospital.

Come right to
the station, Steven.

Are you out th...

That was Elyse Keaton,
ladies and gentlemen,

who is in labor
at this very moment.

Now, tell me,
when was the last time

you saw something
like that

on commercial

So let's keep
those pledges coming in.

Yeah. Uh, Steven, if you...
If you can hear me,

I- I-I'm at the station.
Don't go to the hospital.

Now, that number is...



All right.
Try that number.

Tell her I'm
on my way.

Doc! Bud! Skippy!
Come on!

those phones are just...

off their hooks.

Thank you for
your generosity.

And if that line is busy...

keep trying.

Okay, Mom.
Now, just relax.

Okay. It's dark in here.

Oh, no. The power's out.
Mom, what are we gonna do?

It's back on.

What a break.

Okay, Mom.

Just take it easy. Just relax.

We'll handle everything.

You just gotta
tell us one thing...


Tell us what to do.

Well, uh, for now,
all we can do is

keep track of
the contractions.

See how far apart
they are.

And that'll let us know

how soon the baby's
gonna come.

I got it, Mom.

I bet these are
the first contractions

ever to be timed on
a Duran Duran watch.

It's same as
any other watch, Mallory.

See, when the big Duran's
on the 9

and the little Duran's
on the 8...

Here, Elyse.
I brought you ice water.

Oh, thank you,

Oh, Elyse.
Thanks to you,

we've set an all-time record
for pledges.

Over $70,000.

You know, Robert Mathison
says he'll pledge $1,000

if you'll have a boy.

What do you think
of that, huh?

Well, I...
I'll do my best.

Oh, thank you. But
I've gotta get back.

Mom. H-how
can you...

be so calm?

You are about to
have a baby in a...

In a nonmedical,


Well, it...

It could be worse, honey.

It... If... I-I'm in
a familiar setting,

I... I'm surrounded
by my family.

Sure, my husband's
not here, but...

got a picture of him.

Oh. C-contraction.

Uh, Mallory, Jennifer, how...
How far apart are they?

Uh, about 3 feet.


I meant
the contractions.

They're about
10 minutes apart, Mom.

Oh! Ten minutes!

Uh, 10 minutes! Mom.

Do you know
what this means?

What does this mean?

Alex, listen.

I'm depending on you.

I need you,
all right?

All right.

Jennifer, Mallory,
find Gus.

Tell him we need some blankets,
sheets, towels and hot water.

Oh, and, uh, they do
a medical show, right?

Oh... On stage 2? They got
a gurney down there.

Find some guys in the crew
and bring it up here,


Hey, you could use this
to time Mom's contractions.

See, when the big
Duran's on the 8

and the little Duran's
on the 7...

... and the...

Je... Uh, I'll use
my own watch, okay?

It's got numbers.

Okay, Mom...

I'm gonna stay here
with you.

Now, that's
more like it.

I'm calm.
We're organized.

I feel better already.


your mind yet?

Need an expert?

Well, I... I think
I'm well within my rights

not to be examined
by a botanist.

Young lady,
the reproductive processes

can be remarkably

in totally different

When were
you last watered?

Uh, doc...

Uh, doc, thanks...

Thanks very much
for your concern.

And, uh,
we appreciate it,

but we really
don't think there's

anything you can do to help.
Okay, okay. I'm leaving.

Good luck,
Mrs. Keaton.

Try to keep her
near the window.

Make sure she gets
plenty of sunlight.


Oh, honey, thank goodness
you called!

Where are you?
I need you!

You are?

Well, uh...
I'll... I'll do my best,

but they're
10 minutes apart.

You will?

Okay, sweetheart.
I love you.

Okay, bye.

Who was that?

That was your dad.

He's on his way here
with Dr. Alexander.

A- and Skippy and the plumber
are with him.

Oh, what a relief.

For a second there,

I thought the plumber
wasn't gonna make it.

I'm not even sure
that they'll make it.

He... He called
from a payphone.

He said that the traffic
and that the storm is terrible.

Well, uh, here.

Well, I'm...
I'm here with you, Mom.

I gotta admit it, Alex.
I'm getting a little scared.

Well, uh, Mom...

I know exactly how
you feel.

Well, not exactly.

But, uh...

I know this can't
be easy for you.

This is not the way
it's supposed to be.

There's supposed to be
a doctor here.

There's supposed to be
a husband here.

There's supposed to be
a hospital here.

Uh, look, Mom...

I'm sorry that
I panicked earlier.

It... It's just that...

I don't know, whenever
there's a problem or...

Or a crisis
of some kind,

it's always you or Dad
who handle it.

I mean, this is
a new world for me.

Well, it suits you,

Thanks, Mom.

Well, uh, you've
done this...

birth thing before,

you just tell me
what you need.

Well, for now,
uh... all I need

is for you
to be supportive,

and strong.

And if there's time,
go to medical school.

Bud, when do you think
we'll get there?

Well, Mr. Keaton, we're
doing 2 miles an hour.

The next exit is
three miles down the road.

By my best calculations,
we should get there, uh...

Thursday... Friday
by the latest.

Oh, great.

Now we're not even moving.

Dr. Alexander, what if
we can't get there in time?

All I can say, Steven,

I mean, it's not ideal,

but... billions of women
have given birth

without a doctor's aid.

It's a completely
natural function,

and your wife is
a very healthy woman.

There's every reason to believe
that she'll be fine.

Thank you, doc.

I feel better.

Clear the road!
We're having a baby!

It's no use.

Oh, Mr. Keaton,
you gotta calm down.

You heard what
the doctor said.

Mrs. Keaton's
gonna be fine.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Your wife don't
need you hanging around

while she's
having that kid.


my wife had six kids
without me.

Well, you know
what I mean.

Bud, I... I know it's possible
for her to have a baby

if I'm not there.

But Elyse and I are a team.

We, uh...

wanna bring this baby
into the world together.

After all, moments like this
don't happen every day.

This'll probably be
the last baby...

we ever have.


I just...

wanna be there with her.

Clear the road! Get out of the way!

Get out of the way!

Okay, Mom.
Got everything.

Got the towels, the sheets,
the hot water.

I asked around
for lollipops,

but the best I could do
was a six-pack of Bud...

and some chewing tobacco.

I'll take the tobacco.

Is there
anything else, Mom?

Well... Okay, I'd
really like to lie down now.

Could you check
on the gurney?

Well, I'll get it, Mom.
Uh, Jen,

why don't you and, uh,
two Durans come with me.

Hey. Try not to have the baby
until I come back.

Okay, Mom?
All right.

You're gonna do great.
I know you are.

Thank you, honey.


You're really
having the baby.


You know,
for the first time,

it's starting to
seem real to me.

You're not
the only one.

You know, when I think of
having babies myself someday,

I get real nervous.

What makes you

Oh. I don't know.
Everything about it.

I mean, how do
you know what to do

when the baby
won't fall asleep?

Well, you just...
You follow your instincts.

Well, how do
you know what to do

when the baby won't
stop crying?

Well, you'll know
when it happens.

I mean, I don't even know
what to say when

your baby tells you
she's old enough

to stay out past midnight.

Forget it, Mallory.

Thought I could
slip that by you.


Oh, Mom,

you're gonna be
a terrific mother

for this baby.

And I know that if
I have kids someday,

if I turn out to be
a great mother,

it's 'cause I had
a great mother like you.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Here you go, Elyse.

Everything you need
to become a new mother.

Except the baby.

You have to
supply that.

Okay, now,
let's, uh...

Let's get you onto this bed. Ah, yeah.

Yeah, thanks.
Mom, grab around my neck there.

All right.

Let me try it another way.



Oh, yeah.
Thank you, that's better.

It's the least
we could do, Mom.

Oh, hi!

Oh, honey.
I'm sorry we're late.

We stopped for
a bite to eat.

Good going, Elyse.

We're almost there. Oh, thank God.

Well, you're
doing fine, Elyse.

Thank you, Steven.
I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, me too.

Wouldn't seem right
having the baby without you.

Oh, it wouldn't have
felt right to me

if you weren't here.

Oh! Oh!

Here it comes!

Here it comes!

Push. Good girl,

Here it comes.


Go, baby.
Come on.

Oh. We did it.

You have
a beautiful baby boy.

Oh, Steven.
Oh. A boy, Elyse.

A boy! Now we have
two of each.

Now, wait a minute.
Let me see.

One, two...
Yeah, two of each!

Two of each.

You wanna go for
the tiebreaker?

Not tonight, honey.
I had a long drive.



Oh, he's beautiful.

Like his mother.

Oh, no, Steven.
Look, he has your eyes.

Maybe those are
my eyes,

but that is your nose.
I'd know it anywhere.

You were great,

Oh, thank you,

Oh, so were you.

Can we come in?

We heard a baby.

Uh, we thought
it might be yours.

Come on in.

Oh, wow.

It's a boy.
Thank you!

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.



If we could handle Alex,
we can handle him.

No problem.

Oh, wow.

It's a boy.


Congratulate me,

I'm a neighbor
for the fourth time.

Bud, I never would have
gotten here in time

if it weren't for you.

Think nothing of it,
Mr. Keaton.

I'm not even gonna
charge you for the overtime.

Come on, neighbor.

Come on, plumber.

Let's leave this family
alone for a while.

Oh, he's so cute.

He looks just like me.


Oh, great.