Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 3, Episode 14 - Oh, Donna - full transcript

Elyse and Steven host a Lamaze class at their home. One woman who attends is not married and Alex becomes involved in helping her at the classes.

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Alex, will you give us
a hand?

The Lamaze class is gonna
start any minute.

Aw, I can't believe
you guys

are actually going through
with this craziness.

Nothing crazy
about Lamaze, Alex.

It's a method
of natural childbirth.

The husband assists the wife
in the delivery room,

and no anesthetic is used.

See, now, that's crazy.

Look, the natural way
to have a child, Mom,

is for the man to be
in the waiting room,

smoking, pacing.

And... And the woman to be
in the delivery room

drugged out of her mind.

You make it sound
so attractive.

I think when I have a baby,
I wanna be unconscious.

You're off
to a good start.

I'll get it.

Whoa, that must be
the pregnant women, Dad.

I can feel the house
tilting a little.

Come on in. I'm Steven Keaton.

Larry Harris.
Larry, hi.

Suzie, his wife.
Suzie, pleasure.

- We're Leonard and Marge.
- Oh, fine. Nice to meet you.

So, it's your first baby?

Yes, it is.
We're due in ten weeks.

Wow. Your wife's
not showing at all.

She's not pregnant.
These are our children.

This is Mallory,
Alex and Jennifer.


Have a nice class.


That's really amazing.

You know, I bet your son here

isn't much younger than Suzie.

That's not to say that you guys
are too old or anything.

You know, I had an uncle

who got married
for the first time at 83.

Any children?

Not yet. Ha-ha-ha!

That's funny.

Uh, excuse me, uh,
enjoy your company.

This is great.

We got ourselves
a couple of old pros here.

See, Suzie, you don't have
to be nervous.

If these geezers can do it,
so can we.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Carol Mannings,
your instructor.

Oh, Carol. I-I'm Steven Keaton.
This is my wife Elyse.

This is, uh, Larry, Suzie and, uh... Suzie.

Leonard and Marge.

Hi, I'm Donna Barrows.

Hi, Donna.

Well, I'm a little late.
I apologize.

So why don't we all just
sit down on the mat

so we can begin.

first of all,

one of the most important things
about Lamaze is relax...

Yeah, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Time-out. Time-out.

Aren't we missing
somebody here?

I mean, where's your husband?

I don't have a husband.

Oh, you're one of those,
uh, single mothers, right?

I think that's great.

Good for you, Donna.
I respect that.

She's not married.

So it's been 11 years

since you had
your last child.

What have you been
doing all that time?

Well, we have hobbies.

I think it's wonderful

you're having another baby.

A lot of people your age

would just be packing up
and heading for Florida.

That's... That's
very sweet of you.

Okay, everybody.

We're gonna start up again
in a few minutes.

Boy, she's really strict.

We better be
getting back in.

Oh, I'm right behind you.
I just wanna finish my tea.

You're going to into trouble
with the teacher.

I have a note.
Oh, good.

Hi. How you doing?

I'm, uh, Alex Keaton.

I'm Donna Barrows.


One of the Lamazonians,
I presume.

Yes, I am. Good presuming.

Uh, thank you.

Uh, congratulations.
You, uh...

You're gonna have
your first kid there?


I guess you and your husband
are pretty excited, huh?

Oh, well, I am.
I don't have a husband.

Well, then, uh...

Then how did...?


Oh, I get it.


Yeah, I, uh...
I see.

I see.

The relationship
didn't work out.

We thought it would be best
if we didn't stay together.


You know, I...
I understand these things.

I'm a contemporary guy.

Does my mom know?

I mean, uh...

Uh, so you're, uh...

You're flying solo
with this Lamaze thing, huh?

Carol says
I'm the first single student

she's had in her classes.

Well, maybe they'll give you
a little trophy or something.

Well, I'm not all alone, really.
I've got the little one...

Oh, it's kicking now.

Do you wanna feel it?
Uh, I mean, no.

No, Donna, I couldn't.

I mean, uh... we just met.

Come on.


Whoa, that's incredible.

Oh, Donna. You, uh...

You got a person in there.

Donna, we're starting.

Ooh, the Lamazonian call.
I better get back.

Uh, yeah. Boy, that's, uh...
That's... That's neat.

I mean, uh, this is, um,
really something

that you're taking these
Lamaze classes all by yourself.

Well, to be honest, I'm
a little nervous about it.

I mean, it's difficult
to go through

the whole pregnancy
by myself.

Yeah, well, I think
you're gonna do fine.

I hope so.

Well, I'll see you
next time?

Yeah. It was nice...
Nice meeting you.

Uh, nice meeting you too.


Well, are you up
for tonight's Lamaze class?

Yeah, I guess.

But I...
I've been thinking, honey.

They're all so young.

That's true.
Babies are young.

No, I-I mean the people
in the class.

We're so much older
than they are.

So what?

So maybe we're too old.

Too old for what?

To have a baby.

Obviously not.

You don't feel that way?


So you have no sympathy
and understanding

for the way
I feel about this?

Not really, no.

Elyse, I know what
you're going through.

I'm going through
the same thing myself.

We're geezers.

Well, what if we're geezers
that are too old

for natural childbirth?

What if I can't manage this?

Well, look,
this isn't a contest.

Besides, Elyse,

you're the healthiest,
strongest woman I know.

And you're just as young
and as beautiful

as the day we met.

You're saying that
to make me feel good.

It's working.

Come on, Elyse,
we're training for this.

We're doing
everything we can.

Trust me.
We're gonna have a...

A beautiful baby.

Come on, give me a hand
with this couch. It's too heavy.

Whoa, hey!
Lamaze class. Great!

Excuse me, Mom. Can't believe
I'm just in time.

Well, there is always room
for one more. Heh.

Wait a minute.

What do you care about Lamaze?

Come on. Look, you guys
are my parents.

This involves
your life.

If it interests you,
it interests me.

Is Donna here yet?

Who's Donna?
Donna. You know, Donna.

Your... Your classmate.
The one with the, uh...

and no, uh...

No, she's not here yet.

She let me touch her belly
the other day.


has got...

a living,
growing being in there.

I mean, she is gonna
have a baby.

Well, that's great.

she's wasting her money

on this Lamaze class.

I'm telling you, ahem,

parenting is a wonderful thing.

I mean, bringing a child
into the world,

caring for it, loving it.

Ah, you guys wouldn't

Whoa. All right.


Glad to see you

Hi, Leonard,

Hi, Steven.
How are ya, Steve?

I'm fine.

Okay, everybody.

I think
we should get started.

Now, if you remember,
last week,

we talked
about the importance

of a comfortable
birthing position, remember?

I call it nesting.

Now, what I'd like to do
is have the birthing partners

arrange the pillows
on the mats for the mothers.

Here, Donna. Come on.
Let me, uh...

Let me show you
to your nest. Excuse me.

Whoa, this looks like
a good area to build.

Uh, pardon me, Dad.

Is this area zoned
for nests?

Thank you, Alex.
That's very sweet.

Ah, not... Not at all.
Not at all. Here you go.

Here you go.

What's going on?
Why is he building nests?

He's just being helpful,

It's his first nest.
Don't make him self-conscious.

Extend your left hand.

Make a fist.

Contract the muscles
as you inhale.

Hold it.

and release.

Now, partners, check the arms
for relaxation.

What are you doing?

I'm, uh... I'm checking your arm
for relaxation. Uh, do you mind?


During this exercise,

you should be giving
your partner

warm, supportive messages.

I'm, uh... very proud
of you, Donna.

I love you, Elyse.

I love you, Dad.

I love you too,

What are you doing?

Uh, Donna, listen,

I've been thinking, uh,

about what we were talking
about the other day.

You know, about, uh...

About you being, uh, alone
and, uh, kinda scared.

You have?

Yeah. Listen, uh...

I wanna be
your birthing partner.

What? We hardly know
each other.

Uh, well, what better way
to get acquainted?

We'll have a baby together.

I don't understand how you're
handling it well as you are.

it's not a problem.

Alex is just experiencing
the joy and exhilaration

of fatherhood
for the first time.

It's a life experience
we shouldn't deny him.

I don't wanna deny him
the experience of fatherhood.

I just think he should
actually be a father first.

I think he's doing
a wonderful thing for this girl.

Now, haven't we always
encouraged him

to be helpful and supportive?

He could send her a card.

Look, Elyse, I just think
this has gone too far.

Well, I don't.
Your 18-year-old son

is touring Saint Vincent's
Hospital with a pregnant woman

at this very moment.

You don't think
it's gone too far?


What's all that lumber
doing in the garage?

Oh, it's Alex's.
He's building a crib.

A crib?

Mom, if Alex is gonna be
a father,

does that mean
I'm going to be an aunt?

Yeah. Well, sort of.

No, no.
No, it doesn't.

You know, Alex may not be
much of a brother,

but something tells me he's
gonna make a pretty good father.

He's not going
to be a father.

And you know, Jen, the...
The best part

is that Alex
will have someone around

who's shorter
than he is.

For the first
few years, anyway.

Enough! Enough.

Go on. Go get...
Get ready for dinner.

Steven, relax.

Alex will calm down once
the initial thrill wears off.

Whoa, hello, hello.

That Saint Vincent's,

what a facility.
Yeah, it was kind of exciting.

We saw a woman being wheeled
into the delivery room.

Yeah, that'll be you
soon, mommy.

I'll be ready.

No, no. Not you, Mom. Her.

And, uh, we had
this great meeting

with Dr. Whitlock,
our doctor.

He has devised

this complete method
of underwater birthing.

Mother and doctor
in scuba gear.

She looks radiant,
doesn't she?


I guess
I better get back to work.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

Yeah, yeah, I'll walk you
to your car.

Uh, I'll be right back.
I got a lot to tell you guys.

Oh, we saw this great bassinet
at Frisch Brothers.

We're gonna get one,
and we thought

maybe you guys
would want one,

uh, for your baby.

Still think it hasn't gone
too far?

Oh, almost forgot.

We've decided
to breast-feed.


Steven, you gotta
talk to Alex.

Talk about what,
Miss Calm?

Miss Let's-Not-Deny-Him-

Miss No Problem.

All right, I admit
we have a problem.

Prob... What's the big deal?
Our son is breast-feeding.

It's about time!

All right, okay,
uh, see you Tuesday.

And, uh, yeah, I'll pick up
that snuggy suit.

Uh, Alex,
we've gotta talk.

I know we do, Mom.
I mean, this is great.

You're having a baby,
and we're having a baby.

And they'll, like, know each
other and play together. Ah!

T- this is all happening
so quickly. I mean...

What do you really feel
about Donna?


Oh, Donna. Oh.

I don't know, Mom.
What's the difference?

I mean, I'm not gonna date her.
I'm just having a baby with her.

A baby that I'm gonna love and...
And... And... And care for,

just... Just like
any father would.

But you're not a father.

Well, okay,
not genetically, no.

And you are not married
to Donna.

Well, you know, you guys
are really getting nitpicky

about this whole thing.

Look, look, Alex, Alex, I...
I know how you must feel.

Uh, y-you wanna be an adult,

have everything
that goes along with it,

but you're just not ready
for this, Alex.

You're just not
a father!

Look, Dad, how...? How much did
you know about being a father

before I was born?

I learned.

So will I, Dad.

And I only hope
that I'm...

as good at it
as you are.

Well, uh...

thank you.

No, thank you, Dad.

Thank you
for your support.

No, no, come on. Hey.


I'm glad we talked.

And when you squeeze it...

it moos.


Huh? How about that?


Yeah, great.

You can take it with you

when they, uh,
put you in the home.

Come on. Look, Mallory,
what's the matter with you?

Why can't you get excited?
I'm gonna be a father.

Yeah, Mallory. I think it's cute
the way Alex is acting.

It's insane.

Mmm, I know.

But he's cute.

You keep it up.

Oh, Mom, Mom, Dad.
Come here. Come here.

Look at this stuff
I got.

I don't wanna talk
about your baby toys.

Hey, nice cow.

Come on, you guys. I don't wanna
miss the beginning of the movie.

I can't enjoy a movie unless
I know who the director is.

Hey, so, what
are we gonna see?

La guerre est finie.

Oh, no. Subtitles?

I hate reading a movie.

Moo! Dum, dum, dum, dum.

I wonder who's at the door.

I'll find out.

Hi, Donna.
Hi, Alex. Hi.

Uh, how you feeling?
You, uh... You gain any weight?

Let's get the scale,
check the charts.

Oh, no, Alex. Wait.
I don't wanna weigh in today.

Well, all right. Okay.
Oh. Oh.

See the cow I got?

Oh, it's nice.

But what if it's a girl?

Well, if it's a girl,
we'll, uh, go with the ducky.


Ready to practice?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, Donna,
do you realize

that sometime
in the next six weeks,

we are about
to become parents?

Well, that's not
exactly true.

Yeah, right.
Okay, five weeks.

Um, I was thinking
about nursery schools.

Now, I don't think
we should send him

to one that pushes academics,
you know?


And... A-and also,
I was thinking

that I'd really like him

to grow up in this neighborhood,
you know?

I mean, come on,
good enough for the old man,

it's good enough
for him.

And... And... And I wanna
take him to all the places

that my folks took me
when I was a kid.

I can hardly wait
to take him to the bank.

Alex, wait a minute.

You're talking about us
like we're a family.

You're not about
to become a father.

Look, I know
it's not my baby, okay?

But that doesn't bother me.
It really doesn't.

A- and I know
it's not gonna be easy,

but the three of us
will make it through.

Alex, wait a minute.

You're talking about us
like we're a real couple,

like we're gonna
live together,

like we're gonna
get married or something.

I hadn't thought
about it that way,

but, uh...

what the heck?

Let's get married.

Alex, we're not in love
with each other.

We're in love with the idea
of being a family.

There's a big difference.
Well, not for me, Donna.

We've been playing house
like a couple of kids.

I'm the mommy,
and you're the daddy.

Well, I got caught up in it too.

Well, look, can't you just
get caught up in it again?

No, I can't.

you're very sweet,

and I think it's so nice
that you wanna help me,

but our relationship's
not based on anything real.

So what?

Alex, I think
you're a wonderful person,

and I care for you
a lot.

But we can't keep
going on

as if we're really gonna
share our lives.

This just can't work.


Yes, Alex?

That's my cow.

No, no, no, Dad. You see,
the war was symbolic of...

Hi, Alex.

Where's Donna?

She, uh...
She left.

Symbolic of what, Jennifer?
Don't leave me hanging.

Of man's alienation
from his own emotions.

Can I play
with your cow, Alex?

Did you practice
your Lamaze with Donna?

No. No, uh...

Donna and I had
a slight falling out.

We're never seeing
each other again.

What happened?

I'd rather not
talk about it, okay?

Come on, Alex.
What happened?

Mallory, it's personal,
all right? Do you mind?

Well, I tell you
personal things all the time.

Like what?

I told you
I love Boy George.

That's not personal.

That's scary.

That's the last time
I open up to you, Alex.

What happened, Alex?

Well, Donna just said
she doesn't...

feel the same way about me
that I feel about her.

She never has.

How do you feel
about her?

Mom, Mom.
She changed my life.

She was almost
the mother of my child.

But how do you feel
about her?

I just told you.

You know, it...
It was so perfect.

I mean... I mean,
it was a complete package.

A great-looking girl,

a baby...

Boom! Instant family.

You know,
it would have been

all settled for me.

I would have skipped
all that stuff

like, uh, meeting girls
and dating.

Falling in love.

Most people look forward
to the falling in love part.

Yeah, well, I'm not like
most people, Mom.

No argument there.
No argument there.

You know, Dad, this whole thing
is your fault.

If you, uh... If you weren't
such a great father,

I wouldn't have been in such
a hurry to become one.

I meant well.

Oh! Oh, and, uh...

And you make mothering
look real good too, Mom.

Thank you, Alex.

I guess I just got
carried away, huh?


It could've happen to...

no one else in the world.