Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 2, Episode 8 - Batter Up - full transcript

When the pitcher drops out of Jennifer's softball team, Jennifer asks Arlene to be on the team. Arlene is not a sports person, and is unaware that she is only needed to fill the team with another player so as to not forfeit.

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Hi, Jennifer. You're home late.
Everything all right?

The coach wasn't happy
with the way we were playing.

He made us all run extra laps.

Well, that seems
a little excessive, doesn't it?

Did you have a chance
to talk to him about it?

We're not allowed to speak
during practice.

Now, that's ridiculous.
This has gone too far now.

Something ought
to be done about him.

All right, Keaton.

I told you to jog
all the way home.

You walked the last half-block.

Drop and give me 20!

When you walk in this house,

you're not the coach anymore!

You're what
you've always been...

An annoying human being!

You know, I don't know why
I put up with this.

Alex, if being a coach
is so painful for you,

why don't you just resign?

When Alex P. Keaton starts
something, he finishes it.

I am turning these raw rookies
into baseball machines.

Alex, they're just young girls.

Dad, they... they come in
as young girls...

They leave as men.

Count me out, Alex.

Wasn't Skippy with you?

Yeah, he was right behind me.

Sorry I lagged behind, guys.

This bag weighs a ton.

You all right, Skippy?

Yeah, I'll be fine, Mrs. Keaton.

I guess I didn't realize
how strenuous it is

being team equipment manager.

Mom, do you remember
where I put that... Sweater...

That's probably
in my room anyways?


I'd get up, but I seem
to have lost all sense

in the lower part of my body.

Great, now it's a perfect match
for the upper part.

Alex, why don't you get Skippy
something cold to drink?

No, no. Don't go to any trouble.

Maybe if Mallory sat next to me
and soothed my weary brow.

I'll get you a glass
of water, Skippy.

I'll help you carry it.

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Arlene!

Come on in.


Sorry. Well, that's okay.

Elyse: Hi, Arlene.

Skippy, mom says if you're
not home in five minutes,

she's feeding your dinner
to the Guinea pigs.

That mom, what a card.

Hi, Jennifer.


What ya doing, Jennifer?

Washing your baseball mitten?

It's called a "mitt," Arlene.

I was wondering if you
wanted to come over

and help make dresses
for my turtles.

Can't. How come?

Softball practice.

Again? You're always practicing.

Aren't you good yet?

You gonna be able
to make it home okay, Skip?

No, I don't think it's safe
for me to be moved right now.

Skippy, we gotta go.
Mom's in one of her moods.

Well, why didn't you
say so before, Arlene?

Uh, goodbye, Mallory.

Parting is such... Sweet sorrow.

She's probably
too choked up to speak.

Arlene: Bye, Jennifer.

Bye, Arlene.
Take care of yourselves.

Skippy: Bye, Mr. Keaton. Whoa!

Jennifer, you were
so rude to Arlene.

And you were rude to Skippy.

Arlene's used to it, mom.

Skippy enjoys it.

You're never nice to Arlene.

She's such a sweet little girl.

She only wants
to be your friend.

It wouldn't have hurt you
to go to her house tonight.

It might've been fun.

We have nothing in common.

She doesn't know anything
about sports.

She thinks a slam dunk's

something you do
with a doughnut.

Face it, Jennifer,

it's the curse
of the Handelmans.

The only escape
is running or hiding.

Course, these things
should be done

in as nice a manner as possible.

I got it! I got it! I got it!


Yes, he's here.

It's for you, Alex.

Next time, answer
your own phone calls, okay?



Hey, you're scheduled to pitch.

The team needs you, Tammy.

Is it a question of more money?

Yeah, yeah, okay.
All right, goodbye.

Alex, what's wrong?

My best southpaw is moving.

She's not gonna be here
for the playoffs.

That's the fourth kid
I've lost this week.

Alex, the girls think
you're working them too hard.

Too hard?

Hey, I cut back
on their steroids, didn't I?

I'm not complaining.

It's just that some of the kids
joined the team

to have fun.

Fun. What does fun have
to do with it?

Alex, it's only a game.

Only a game.

"Baseball is only a game."

You know, that's exactly how
the Russians want us to think.

Alex, why don't you just get
yourself another southpaw?

Well, what's a southpaw?

A southpaw is a left-hander.

So why don't they just
call them left-handers?

Well, that way the Russians
would know what we meant.


Oh, hi, Susie. How you doing?

The flu.

Nancy and Becky, too?

Hey, I instructed you
not to have

that pajama party last week.

So you're not gonna play?

None of you.

Yeah, all right. Okay.

Feel better.

They're not going to play?

That leaves us one player short.

How could they do this to us?!

Well, I'm sure they didn't get
sick to inconvenience you.

You know, I'm not so sure.

They have had an attitude
problem from the word go.

If we don't have 10 players,
we'll have to forfeit.

Well, Jennifer,
winning isn't everything.

Both: It's the only thing.

We'll... we'll talk more
about this later, huh?

I've got to get to work.

Mm, could I get a lift, dad?

I'm wearing these new shoes.
They're not good for walking.

Yeah, I always look
for that in a shoe myself.


Jennifer, want to walk
to school together?

I guess so.
I have to go there, anyway.

Arlene, you don't have
a sweater or a jacket.

It's cold outside.

Well, I had a sweater,

but the obecks' dog
took it from me.

I guess I was too scared
to ask for it back.

Come on, I'll get you
something of Jennifer's to wear.


Don't say no
until I finish this thought.


Jennifer, we've worked
too hard this season

to come up short.

If Arlene plays,
we'll have enough players

and we won't have
to forfeit the game.

She hates sports.
She's not going to play.

Yeah, well, she may hate sports,

but, uh, she likes you,

You can talk her into it.

But, Alex...

Jennifer, it's for the good
of the team.

Ready, Jennifer?

Of course she's ready.

Aren't you, Jennifer?

You know, Arlene,

you and I don't spend
enough time together.

Say, did you ever play
any baseball?

You make a lot of friends
in the dugout.

How's that batter coming, Alex?

It's almost ready, dad.
Is the griddle hot yet?

All set. Okeydokey.

I tried something
different this time.

I think you might enjoy it.

A little too heavy
on the buckwheat?

Well, don't throw it out.

There's a loose brick
in the fireplace.

Why are we doing this,
anyway, dad?

Cooking is women's work.

Alex, some of the best chefs
in the world are men.

Like who?

Chef Boyardee.

Uncle Ben!

General Mills.

Where are they
when you need 'em?

You clean up.

I'll go tell your mother
we're going out for breakfast.

Jennifer, my knee really hurts.

You just skinned it.
It'll be okay.

How was practice, girls?

I think I'm getting better.
Don't you, Jennifer?

Not really.

Well, I'm trying, Jennifer,

but I'm just not a jock.

Alex, maybe you could
help Arlene

with her batting stance.

Sure. What's the matter?

I keep tipping over.

I'll meet you out there.

Uh, I gotta clean up
this mess that dad made.

All right, Arlene,

I'll help you
with your stance myself.

Can't we take a break first?

I'm really sleepy.

There will be time enough
for breaks

after the big game.

Wow, baseball's tough.

Now, don't forget
to choke up on that bat,

bend those knees,
keep those feet apart!

And get the cap off your eyes.

Okay, get ready. Here it comes.

Why didn't you swing?
That pitch was perfect!

I'm afraid!
You're throwing too hard!

Don't be a sissy!

Jennifer, I can't do this!

Yes, you can. You've got to!

No buts!

In a real game,

the pitcher's gonna throw
a lot harder, like this!

Mom! Mom!

Mrs. Schofield,
please, be reasonable.

Look, this is
the championship game,

and we're gonna forfeit
without Charlotte.

We can give her her medication
between innings.

That's the beauty of it.

Look, I'm not saying
that... that 101 is normal,

but it's 2 degrees lower
than anyone else on the team.

What's the big deal?

She usually runs
a little hot anyway.



Hey, there.
How's it going, Alex?

Ah, hi, Skip. How's Arlene?

Oh, she came home this morning.

The doctor only kept her
in the hospital overnight

as a precaution.

She's got a black eye,
and one of her cheeks looks like

she's storing nuts
for the winter,

but she's fine. She's fine.

Oh, hey, Skippy. How's Arlene?

It was a long night, Mallory...

And not a pretty one.

None of us slept much.

I can still hear
the echo of my footsteps

in the long, empty hallway,

as I returned with
yet another cup of black coffee

to get me through the vigil.

Must have been very rough
on you, Skippy.

Call me "Irwin."


You know, she's not
out of the woods yet.

If only I could go back
to the hospital

and tell Arlene that
you agreed to be mine.

It's been a dream of hers
for so long.

Oh, hi, Skippy.

Elyse just told me

that Arlene's home
and everything's okay.

Glad to hear it.

You disgust me.

That old Handelman magic's
starting to work.


I'm surprised you didn't
think of this earlier.

Having your sister maimed
to boost your social life.

Me too.

Hey, Mallory.

How's Jennifer?

I don't know.
I hope she's all right.

Poor kid.

She was so upset last night,

she wouldn't even come down
to dinner.

She must feel terrible.

Good morning.

Good morning, honey.

What a great day, huh?

You're in a much better
mood than I expected.

Look, honey, you don't need
to hide your feelings.

We all feel terrible
about what happened.

It was an accident.
Accidents happen.

Kids get hurt playing softball
all the time.

Um, Jennifer,
Mrs. Handelman said,

uh, Arlene might like
some visitors today.

Oh, that's real nice.
Say hi for me.

what is wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with me.

It wasn't me
who walked into a baseball.

can I talk to you a minute?

Can't it wait until later?

I really want to see
the end of this.

Jennifer, you're watching
midget kickboxing.

Yeah, but it's the finals.

I think we should talk about
what happened yesterday.

You know, this whole thing
wouldn't have happened

if I wouldn't have asked her
to join the team.

Well, Jennifer,
putting Arlene on the team

was a very nice thing to do.

You don't understand.

When we were out
in the back practicing,

she told me all the pitches
I was throwing were too hard,

but I kept on
throwing them hard...

Even though I knew
she couldn't handle it.

I see.

I didn't want to lose
the big game because of her,

so I had to try to turn her
into Johnny Bench

in two days.

That's why she got hurt.

Well, honey,
you're only 11 years old.

I mean, you're not
in the Major Leagues.

Now, Arlene may not
be exactly Johnny Bench,

but then you're not
exactly, uh... Who?

Dave Concepcion.

Dave Concepcion.

Who's Dave Concepcion?

She never really wanted
to play softball, mom.

She only did it 'cause
she wanted to be my friend.

Do you think maybe you'd
feel better if you, uh...

if you apologized to Arlene?

I can't do that, dad.

She really likes me.

How could I look her in the eye

and tell her
what a rotten thing I did?

Look, Arlene.
Mallory's on her way over.

Couldn't you just try to look
a little less healthy?


Next time I'll try to be
more severely injured.

You feel like another story?
Not right now.

Oh, come on. Just one.

Mom says I'm supposed
to be resting.

It'll take your mind
off your troubles.


"Brad Dooley woke up..."

Uh, come in!

Well, Arlene, how are you?

Hi, Arlene. How are you feeling?

I'm fine, Mrs. Keaton.

The doctor says I can
get up today if I want.

It's just that when I try to,
I get a little nauseous.

You know,
I'm afraid I'll upchuck.

You stay right
where you are, sweetie.

Don't you move a muscle.

Here, Arlene.
This is for you from all of us.

Thank you.

So, how's it look
for today's game, coach?

Uh, not so good, Arlene.

Everybody's got the flu.

Kind of hoping for a miracle.

Uh, don't you worry, though.

You just relax.
We'll get 'em next year.

Is Jennifer gonna come over?

Well, Jen... Jennifer...
I mean, I'm sure she...

Dopey me, I completely forgot!

Arlene's not supposed

to have more than
three visitors at a time.

That's the doctor's orders.

One, two, three,

four, five.


We can't have that, now, can we?

What do you say you and I
find something else to do

while your parents and Alex

console my poor, injured sister?

You want to see
my fossil collection?

Not now, Skippy.

I'd like to let them age
another few thousand years.

It's a date.

Can I come in?

Sure, Jennifer.

Uh, you know...

I think Skippy's right.

Arlene shouldn't have
too many visitors at once.

Right. Why don't we clear out

and let Jennifer
and Arlene talk, okay?

We'll see you tomorrow, honey.

All right. Now,
you take care of yourself.

You know, Mallory,

no girl has ever seen
those fossils.

You'd be the first!

Thanks for coming over,

You're welcome, Arlene.


Your parents brought it.

Jennifer, I'm sorry
about what happened yesterday.

You're sorry?


You were trying
to teach me how to bat,

and I let the ball hit me
in the face.

That was my fault, Arlene.

If I wasn't such a klutz,
it never would've happened.

You're not a klutz.

Well, maybe just
a little bit of a klutz.

My mother says
I trip over the lines

in our kitchen linoleum.

But I kept thinking
maybe if I could play sports,

I might be
a better friend to you.

I wasn't such a very good
friend to you, Arlene.

I only put you on the team
because they wouldn't

let us play
with only nine girls.

I know.

You knew?

I may be a klutz,
but I'm not stupid.

I'm really sorry you got hurt.

That's okay.

This has been
the most fun I've ever had.

Including the hospital.

It was exciting.

Didn't even cry once.

You're a lot tougher
than I thought.

Thank you.

Does that mean you like me?

Yeah, I do.

Maybe you could play
on the team next year.

No, I don't think so.

I'm just no good at sports.

That's okay.
We can still be friends.

You mean it?

Give me five.

Maybe we could get together
later in the week?

Sounds good.

We can make those dresses
for your turtles.

Kathy can't play.

That's it. It's official.

It's all over, Skip. We lose.

Come on, Skip.

Life's a funny thing.

Alex, the girls
from the team are here.

Oh, great, great.

Now I got eight more
little hearts to break.

Couldn't find
another player, huh?

You know, it's not fair, dad.

We have worked all season,
and for what?

The championship game
is in half an hour,

and we're gonna have to forfeit.

Has that been the only purpose
in playing this whole season,

to get to the championship?

Is that all that counts?

Yeah. Yeah.

What about the fresh air?

The exercise?
The thrill of competition?

What about the fun?

Alex, the team is waiting.


I don't know how
to break it to 'em.

Well, just give it
to 'em straight, Alex.


That's probably the best way.

Mallory, bring in the girls!

Come on, let's go! Come on!

Girls: Go! Go, Leopards, go!

Go, Leopards, go!
Go, Leopards, go!

Go, Leopards, go!

Okay. All right.
Have a... have a seat.


I have something
important to tell you.

Arlene Handelman
hurt herself yesterday.

She hurts herself every day.

Yeah, well, the important thing
is that she's all right.

But she, uh, she doesn't
feel up to playing,

so we're not gonna have
enough players.

We're gonna have to forfeit.

Girls: Oh, no!

Girl: Forfeit?

I knew we never should've let

that nerdy Arlene on the team.


Wait a minute!

She's not a nerd!

She's got a lot more guts
and courage than...


Dave Concepcion!

Than any of us!

And she happens to be
a good friend of mine,

so you better not
knock her ever again.

Okay, come on, girls.

Hold those heads up high.

W-we've had a great year.

We've, uh...

we've been in the fresh air.

We've, uh, we've exercised.

We've enjoyed the...
The thrill of competition.

This year may be over, but...
But there's always next year.


Hey, what are you all
sitting around for?

We've got a championship game
to play!


Arlene, you don't have
to do this for me.

When I said we were friends,
I meant it.

You don't owe me anything.

I'm not doing it just for you,

The team needs me,
and I need the team.

That's my sister!

Whoa! Whoa, girls.

Okay, let's go out there,

let's play hard, play our best.

But the most important thing is,
let's have fun!

Come on, Jennifer.

Let's go out
and hit some touchdowns!