Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 2, Episode 5 - Not an Affair to Remember - full transcript

Steven faces temptation at work when his new production assistant takes a liking to him.

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la.

I don't know, Gus.

Maybe we should have started

the "giants
of the white house" series

with a more colorful person.

I told you that
before we started, Steve.

I know, but I've always
liked Calvin Coolidge.

But the way
you've cut it together here,

you make him seem so unexciting.

God did that, Steve.

Just who do you think's gonna
watch a show like this, anyway?

I don't know, uh,
relatives, shut-ins,

people who are heavily sedated.

Program notes are
on your desk, Steven.

Oh, thanks, Stace.

Listen, I just thought
it might be interesting

to learn more
about Coolidge the man.

It's the 50th anniversary
of his death this year,

I wanted to do
something special.

That's all.

Send a card. Stacey: Come on.

I think your idea's great,

And ideally it could be
the best of all possible worlds,

educational, controversial.

And a winner in the ratings.

Remind me to give you a raise.

We'll take it
out of Gus' salary.

Oh, you know me... I think
all your ideas are brilliant.

Hey, take it easy, Stacey.

I have a wife and kids
to support.

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean
to get carried away.

It's just, well,
I think Steven is great.

That's all.

Kid's got a head
on her shoulders.

What she's got is
a big crush on you.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

She was in here
a minute and a half,

and she touched you seven times.

I counted.

That's the way
young people are today, Gus.

They're demonstrative.
They touch.

That's a touch every 13 seconds.

Whoo! That's tough
even for an octopus.

It was nothing more
than a show of respect.

Uh, no, no, no, Steven.

This is respect...
"good job, Steve."

Way to go on that Coolidge idea.

"Hang in there, pal."

Now, this is what she did.

Gus, please!

This is, uh,
a place of business.

I'm telling you, Steve,

I recognize that look
in her eye.

Enough, okay? Okay, okay.


Am I interrupting anything?

Uh, no, no, not at all.
Don't be silly.

No, no, we were just talking
about men, women...


Wait a minute.
Let me pull up a chair.

Two, three, four and a half.

What? Uh, nothing, nothing.

Just, uh, practicing counting.


So, what'd I miss?

Well, we were discussing
the kind of men

that women find attractive.

Oh, good subject.

Um, I don't think a man can be
really, really attractive

until he's, oh, about, uh, 40.

How old are you, Steve?

I'll be, uh, 40 this year.

Well, there's a perfect example.

Steven is probably
the most appealing guy I know.

Man over P.A.: Stacey Hughes.

Got to go. Mwah.


Six touches, one minute flat.

Could be a new world record.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Wow. Well, what was she wearing

before she changed
into that outfit?

Mallory, I need the phone.

I can't believe it.
Where does she shop?

Who cares where she shops?!

It's her own business.

Maybe I should read
this note to you guys again.

"Please get dinner ready. Mom."

See, there's an "s"
on the end of "kids."

Hey, you guys, help!


Well, I'll be wearing shorts
and leg warmers.

Whoa. Whoa!

Uh-huh. How 'bout you?

Yeah, beige or blue. That's...

Don't bother getting off
the phone, Mallory.

The fire probably won't spread
to the rest of the house.

Aah! It was Alex's fault.

Both: It was Mallory's fault.

Look, all right, it doesn't
matter whose fault it is.

Just clean it up!
And send out for pizza.

Tough day at the office, mom?

It's a little frustrating,
that's all.

Want to talk about it?

Well, it's just a matter of
getting used to things, I guess.

Uh, being back
in an office situation,

there's bound
to be some pressures,

some adjustments.

How does that make you feel?

A little depressed.

Go on. Go on.
Go with that thought.

You know, when I was a teenager,
about 14, 15 years old...

Why am I telling you this?

Alex, will you stop faking
interest in mom's feelings

and help us clean up here?

Jennifer. Jennifer,
I'm her eldest child.

I'm her first-born.

I'm her son.

There is a bond between us...

That the two of you
could never break.

Alex, help your sisters clean up

or you're grounded for a week.

See, the bond stretches,
but it never breaks.


Hey, dad. Hi.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Save a little something
for father's day.

How was work?

What do you mean,
"how was work?"

I mean, how was work?

Why do you ask?

I always ask. I like to know
how your day went.

Went fine. Fine.

Nothing exciting?

No, not at all, not even close.

I didn't flirt with anyone,

if that's
what you're getting at.

I didn't mention anything
about flirting.

It was implied.

No, it wasn't.
Look, first, I come home,

you don't even notice me.

Then you give me
the third degree

about how I spent my day.

I think I've had enough. Thanks.

Want to talk about it?


Been giving a lot of thought
to your Calvin Coolidge project.

I think I've come up with a way

to make this turkey seem alive,
vibrant, exciting.

Oh, well, great. What is it?

We do the whole thing
as a cartoon.

Thanks a lot, Gus.

Somebody spill
a case of beer in here?

I don't smell anything.

It's you.


Hey, that's macho mist,
isn't it?

I may have dabbed on
a drop or two of Cologne.

There's something different
about you, Steve.

Ah, you're dressed.

I dress every day, Gus.

It's an old habit
I picked up as a kid.

Now, you know what I mean.
You have on things that match.

That is an ensemble.

You've never worn
an ensemble before.

Knock it off, Gus.

Ah, and your hair
is different too.

Oh, boy, Steve, you look great.

Hey, can I buy you
a drink after work?


Ah, it's Stacey, right?

This is all for her, isn't it?

Gus, just because
a man's sweater and slacks

and socks happen to match...

Doesn't mean he's about to leave
his wife and three children.

Whatever you say, Steve.

Morning! Oh.

Oh, hi, Stace.

Good morning. Mwah.

Say, don't you look terrific?
What a great ensemble.

Oh, what? This old thing?

Oh, no, it's a great color
for you.

Well, I just grabbed

the first thing in the closet,


you don't make it any easier

for someone to keep their mind
on their work,

I can tell you.

Well, it's a burden
we all have to bear, Stace.

Uh, what have you got there?

Last night, I...
A poor single girl

with no social life
to speak of...

Stayed here and put together

this little film
about Calvin Coolidge.

And I hope you like it, Steven.

Stacey, that's wonderful.
Oh, thank you.

That's terrific. You're welcome.

Uh, where'd you dig up
the footage, Stacey?

Um, files, newsreels.

Uh, the last crowd was actually
cheering for Frank Sinatra.

I think it's just great.

Why don't you take over
this project?

Oh, no, Gus, don't be silly.

Well, it's really not for me.

I mean, basically,
I'm a monarchist.

If you really don't
want to do it, Gus...

Uh, no, I don't.

I'll... I'll go get
the files, okay?

That's great!

I mean, that...
That's great.


Well, congratulations.

Uh, you're a filmmaker.



Whoa, whoa.

I can't help it.
I'm in love with you.

No. No, you're not.

You... you can't be.
You just think you are.

No. Yes.

It's, uh, very common.

My... my... my...
My position, my age.

My socks.

You're really funny.

You know, that's one
of the things

I love most about you.

Uh, Stacey. Mm-hmm?

This is all wrong.
I'm a married man.

I have three children.

I know.

You're a very sensitive,
caring father and husband.

Makes me want you even more.

I see.

Don't you think...

I don't want to think.
I just want you.

I'll be working here
alone tonight, Steven.

It can be any way you want it.

No strings.

No guilt.

No preservatives.

Hey, hey, don't let my neck
get in the way.

Orange and red?

No one in their right mind

would put
those two colors together.

Uh-oh. Mom, better call
the police.

I think
someone's outfit clashed.

Mom, make him stop it, please.

Alex, stop bothering
your sister.

Mallory, the telephone is
an instrument of communication.

On behalf
of Alexander Graham Bell

and the entire Bell family,

I am personally offended

by the level
of your conversation.

Did you hear that?

Oh, honey, uh, uh,
I was thinking

instead of my going back
to the station,

why don't we go out
to dinner and a movie?

Uh, no. Why not?

Well, for one thing,
we've already had dinner.

Oh, okay. Just a movie, then?

This isn't really
a good night for me, honey.

I've got to get
to bed early tonight,

so I'll be in top form for
that meeting tomorrow morning.

Yeah... hey, Alex,
can I interest you in a movie?

Oh, I don't know, dad.
May... maybe.

Uh, let's see what's playing.

Ah, double bill
at the North Town.

"Love with the Proper Stranger"

and "Betrayal."

I don't think so, dad.

Anyway, I thought you were going

back down
to the station tonight.

Well, I don't have to.

I-I might if there's nothing
else to do.

Hey, Jen, want to
do something tonight?

The Reds are playing
the Expos on TV, dad.

Want to go the game?

They're playing in Montreal.

I can't tonight, dad.

I've got a lot of
important phone calls to make.

You don't even know
what I was gonna ask you.

Well, you've got that "let's do
father-daughter stuff" look.

I apologize for being
such a burden on everybody.

Ah, don't worry about it, dad.

Sorry, Steven, didn't realize

it was so important for you
to go out tonight.

It's not. It's not.

In fact, I really should go
back down to the station.

Oh, well, what's going on
down there?

Well, uh, we're working
on that, uh, documentary...

"Silent Cal Opens Up."

I thought Gus was doing that.

Uh, he was, but...
But we turned it over

to that production assistant,
Stacey, uh...

Uh, Hughes. Oh.

Y-you've met her, haven't you?

Yeah, well, she...
She seemed very bright.

She is. Well, she...

Yeah, she is.

Eh, anyway, she's working
on this on her own,

so I thought the least I could
do is, uh, go down there.

Well, sounds like you should.

Yeah, yeah, so, uh, I'll go
down there now and help her.

I'm on my way.

Here I go.

I'll miss you.

Yeah, me too.

Bye, Mallory.

Take care of your little sister.

Jennifer, Jennifer,

don't let sports
interfere with your schoolwork.


You're the man of the house
while I'm gone.

Was dad just drafted?



It was getting late.

I didn't know
if you were coming.

I wasn't sure either,
but I figured, you know,

the documentary and everything,
so I...

Got in my car...

Drove around the neighborhood
for two hours, and here I am.

Well, Steven, we can
go through the charade

of working on the film,

or we could just stand around
here awkwardly some more, or...

We could go right back
to my place and make love.

C-could you run down
those options one...

Steven, are you attracted to me?

Very much.

Well, then come home with me.

We'll forget about everything
and everybody else in the world,

just for a few hours.

You and I will be
the only two people.

Nobody ever has to know.

Come home with me, Steven.

I have a home, Stacey.
It means a lot to me.

I don't want to risk losing it.

I promise you
we won't get caught.

I'm not worried... I'm not
worried about getting caught.

I'm worried about violating
the core of love and trust

I've built my life around.

G-getting caught's
not good, either.

Steven, all I want to do
is share a moment with you.

A beautiful moment,

one that we can both
file away and keep forever.

It's got a nice ring to it.

Just think of it this way...

We work together,
laugh together,

share a lot.

If we share our bed, too,
why is that so different?

For one thing,
we'll be lying down.

Well, not necessarily.

Is it getting hot in here?

We could open a window
or knock down a wall.


Stacey, I'll be honest with you.

The idea of going back
to your apartment with you

right now is very, very...

Uh, thought-provoking
to say the least.

You're a wonderful person.
I'm very attracted to you.

But... but...

Steven, I understand your
feelings, and I respect them.

But if your feelings
for your wife and your family

are as strong
as you say they are,

then how can anything we do
threaten them?

Because I can't view my life

as a series
of unrelated episodes.

Everything I do
affects every part of me.

We would be so good together,

I know.

It can't happen, Stacey.

Well, the apartment's
a mess, anyway.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.
The maid comes tomorrow.

That's... that's not
what I meant.



What do we do now?

How 'bout a hug?




The irony is beautiful,
isn't it?

The thing
that I love most about you

is the thing
that's keeping us apart.

You are so damn honorable.

I'll walk you to your car.

You're not gonna
try anything, are you?

Stace, I...

Let's go.

Okay, now, it's very simple.

See, each of us has
a 60-minute period

in which he or she
can use the telephone.

That way no one can monopolize
it for the whole evening.

All right, now, this chart
maps out everyone's time period.

I just have one small problem
with this.

What is it?

My phone time is an hour
past my bedtime.

This chart is business,

your bedtime
is a personal matter.

Alex, I'm tired of your charts.

I'm tired of you
bossing me around.

I'm tired of you telling me

when I can
and can't use the phone.

And I'm tired of you, Alex.

Just what are you
trying to say, Mallory?

Oh, hi, kids.

Where's your mother?

Oh, she went to bed early.

Speaking of bed, Jennifer,
shouldn't you be in one?

It's 10:00.

I, uh, um, didn't want
to go to bed

without saying
good night to you, dad.

Good night. Mwah.

I'm glad you're home.

So am I.

Maybe you can settle
a little dispute for us, dad.

I will not have my communication

governed by one
of your silly charts.

A 45-minute discussion
about somebody's leg warmers.

You call that communication?

Who asked you to listen to
my phone conversations, anyway?

Mallory, the human eardrum is
designed to pick up any sound

within a certain radius,

no matter how inane
that sound may be.

Mallory, Alex!

Yeah, dad?

I love you both very much.

You feeling okay, dad?

I feel great. Just great.

Well, good night.

Yeah, good night. Sleep well.

I'm telling you, Mallory...

I love this house.

What a great kitchen.

Love these plates.

You really can see
your face in here.

So this is what you do
after I go to sleep at night.

Oh... Elyse!

I thought I heard voices.

I-I didn't realize
it was just you and a plate.

Uh, I'm glad you're awake.

I want to talk to you.

What about?
You know what I was doing

while I drove home
from the station?

Watching the road, I hope.

Counting all the times

you and I have stayed up
all night

nursing one of the kid's fevers.

Guess how many.

Couldn't begin to.

Well, go ahead, try.


That's right.

How'd you know?

I don't know.

I guess after all our years

I-I can read your mind.

Guess you can.

What am I thinking now?

You're thinking
there's no place like home?

You're very good at this,
you know?

Set up a booth on the boardwalk.

And you're thinking
about our life together

and... and everything
we've been through.

And how hard it would be
to turn your back on that,

however tempting it might be.

Has it been that obvious?

The words "open book"
mean anything to you?

Sorry, Elyse, I've been acting
like a real child.

No. No, you haven't.

You... you've been acting like
a grown man facing midlife.

I-I'll probably act the same way
when I get to be your age.

Why didn't you stop me, Elyse?

What would I have gained
by that?

I... I mean, our...
Our entire relationship

is based on trust.

If we don't
give each other that,

what are we holding on to?

There's something
I want you to know, Elyse.


I love you more every day.

I love you, too, Steven.

I want us to do
more things together.

Just the two of us.

I like that idea.

If you have anything
particular in mind...

Let's go camping.

The tent's at the cleaners.

Any other ideas?

Just one.