Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 2, Episode 13 - 'M' Is for the Many Things - full transcript

Alex is placed in charge of his high school's class souvenirs for graduation. He wants to turn it into a millionaire making project. Elyse is upset when her not-yet-divorced mother starts enjoying the prospect of being single.

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Well, dad, you can breathe easy.

Your worries are over.


Uh, you are looking
at a young man

on the verge of becoming
independently wealthy

at the age of 18.


Come on, dad,

aren't you gonna ask me
what this is all about?

All right. What's it all about?



Dad, the student council
has granted me

the exclusive right to sell
senior class souvenirs.

Class rings? T-shirts?
That kind of thing?

Oh, sure, sure.

Another man might settle
for selling that kind of stuff,

but I'm planning to expand this
into a major enterprise.

A full line of Harding High
class of '84 products.

Coffee mugs. Bookmarks.

That's just the start!

Let me know
when I can quit my job.

I will.

Uh, dad,
there's just one other thing.

In order to get started in this,

I have make an initial
investment of $100.

Where are you
gonna get the $100?

From my partner.

Who's your partner?

Well, dad,
let's put it this way...

You're wearing his shirt...


No, thanks, Alex.

Aw, come on, dad. No.

Think about it!

"Keaton and Son...
The Souvenir People."

It's the American dream, dad.

If you say no to this,
you're saying no to America.

What you're saying
is you'll put up 50 bucks,

and I'll put up 50 bucks,
is that it?

Dad, if you're gonna take
a hard line on this,

we might as well...

Just dissolve the partnership
right now.

Oh, so... so I'm supposed
to put up the whole $100?

It's a deal.

Steven, how can you eat
at a time like this?

I don't know.
I just go on instinct.

My mother's gonna
be here any minute.

Aren't you nervous?

I'm covering.

A little tense this morning,
aren't we, mom?

Okay, I-i may be
a little anxious,

but it's the first time
my mom's come to stay

since she and dad got s-s...
Se... s... s...


Thank you.

Come on, Elyse, relax.

I know it's a difficult thing

to watch your parents'
marriage break up.

Their marriage didn't break up.
They're only s-s-s... se...


Thank you.

Isn't grandma here yet?

Steven: Not yet.

I like when grandma visits.

She really knows
how to spoil someone.

Oh, she's here!

Ah, oh, okay. Oh, oh, oh.
Now, kids,

I want you to take it a little
easy on grandma this time.

Why? What do you mean, mom?

Well, you know, grandma and
grandpa are s-s-s... se...

Thank you.

And I think we need to pitch in
and help boost up her spirit.

She's likely to be a little
more depressed and unhappy

than you're used to seeing her.

Hello, hello, hello!

Hi, grandma!

Oh, Alex, hello.

Well, uh,
we've got to get going.

Kate, I'll see you
later tonight.

I've got to get the kids
to school.

Come on. Bye, babes.

Jennifer: Bye.

Steven: Don't forget your coats.

Bye-bye, Kate. Honey.



How you feelin', mom?

Great. How are you feeling?

Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I was just asking 'cause
you and dad are s-s-s... se...


Thank you.

That's a real difficult word
for me to say.

How are you on the word


It's almost final.

"Almost" is not final.

Let's not close the door

I mean,
you and dad might reconcile,

move back into the house.

We sold the house.

You sold the house?!

My room, too?


Uh, yeah, she is. Just a minute.

It's for you.

It's a man.

I gave some friends this number.
I hope it's all right.



Oh, hi, Phillip.


Lunch today?
Ooh, that would be lovely.

Well, I'll see you later, honey.


you shouldn't say such things.

Dad... dad!

I just got back
from the wholesalers

with some prototypes.

I'm telling you,

these things
are surefire bestsellers.

Okay? First we have

the official Harding High
class of '84...

Duck caller.

We better shut the door.

We do not want
any ducks in here.

Look at this.

Class of '84...
Windshield wiper.

Dad, I am gonna sell
class of '84 pasta makers,

class of '84 glow-in-the-dark
shoe trees.

Class of '84
charcoal briquettes!

Well, what do you think?

I-I like the briquettes...

But, uh, some of these items

strike me as being
a little impractical.

Aw, dad, dad, trust me.

I have got my finger
on the pulse

of the contemporary
American teenager.

Oh. I almost forgot.

Class of '84 monocles.

We are going to sell

boatloads of these babies!

In any case,
I think I'll resist the urge

to put a down payment
on a summer house.

Where's Mallory?

She's supposed to do
the dinner dishes.

She said she'll do them later.

She's upstairs helping grandma
get ready for her date.

Grandma's going out again?

That's the third time this week
she's gone out.

Yeah, isn't that something?

Over 40 and still active.

A real miracle.

You know, Steven, I don't think
I like the idea of...

Elyse. Ely...

I said I wasn't gonna
interfere, and I won't.

Now, are you sure you don't mind

my borrowing your necklace,

Of course not, grandma.
I think it looks great on you.

You wouldn't lie to an old lady,
would you?

I don't know any old ladies.

Grandma, you look so pretty.

Thank you.

Mom, if you think I'm gonna
let you leave the house

looking like that,
you are sadly mistaken.

Well, what's wrong
with the way I look?

Nothing. You look great!

Thank you.

Mom, don't you think that dress

is just a little too...


Too what?

Too red?

No, I think it's just
the right amount of red.


That's Phillip.

How do I look?

Never mind!

I'll get it, grandma.

Hi, how are you doing?

You must be
my grandmother's date.

You mean to tell me
that ravishing woman

is a grandmother?

I can't believe it.

Well, uh,
I call her "grandmother."

It's just a term of affection.

Actually, she's my niece.

Come on in here
and meet everyone.

Now, don't tell me.

This fine young man is Alex,

and these beautiful creatures

must be Mallory, Jennifer,
and Steven.

How do you do?

And this is...

My wife, Elyse.


I've been looking forward
to meeting you

for a long time.

How long?

Oh, I see.
You want to know how long

I've been seeing your mother?

The question did cross my mind.

Didn't she tell you?
In February it'll be 20 years.

20 years?! Behind daddy's back?!

Phillip's my dentist, honey.

Dr. Morgan?

That's right.

Kate's spoken very highly
of your root canal.

I try to brush after every meal

and avoid between-meal treats.

And when she doesn't,
I remind her.

I'm a bit of a floss man,

Well, tell us a little
about yourself, Phillip.

Any children? Three.

Wife? Divorced.

Health? Knock wood.

Plans for the future.

Well, I'm retired,
I have plenty of money...

I guess I'll just hang around
until I die.

When do you think that'll be?



I said, "Gin."

Oh, did I win?

I won.


What time is it, Steven?

I'm sure your mother's fine.

My mother?!

You think I'm staying up
because of my mother?

I happen to love this game.
That's why I'm staying up.

So just shut up and play poker.

Want to talk about her?

No. I do not
want to talk about her.

All right.

I cannot believe
she is out on a date.

Phillip looked like
a perfect gentleman.

Oh, Steven, you are so naive.

I have read articles about sex
and older people.

They retire to these little
communities of condominiums.

They take folk dancing.

They eat the early-bird special.

Then they all go home
to their hot tubs.

There are a lot
of grandmas and grandpas

in hot water right now!

Elyse, your mother
is a grown woman.

I'm sure she can
take care of herself.

She may be a grown woman,

but she cannot
take care of herself.

My father's always
protected her!

She's been married for 40 years.

What could she know about sex?

You know what I mean. Yeah.

I-I-i am sure she is fine.

It's after midnight.
Why hasn't she come home?

I think we should go to bed.

I can't.
I'm too keyed up to sleep.

Well, maybe, just maybe,

we could think of something else

to, uh...

Pass the time up there.


What, you mean now?!
With my mother out?!

We'll tell her about it.

I'm... I'm sorry, Steven.

This whole business
with my mother

is really getting to me.

Now, look, Elyse, she
is practically a divorced woman.

You have got to accept it.

I could accept it a lot easier

if I didn't have to watch
mom go gallivanting off

with the man who told her
to rinse and spit for 20 years.

I'll get it.


Oh, hi.

Uh, a-all right. Fine.

Uh, oh, I will. Y-you too.

Yeah. Bye.

Who was that?

Uh, that was your mother.

Uh, she said they had
a wonderful time at the concert,

uh, they stopped
for ice cream afterwards,

and, uh... Oh, uh, yeah,

she's, uh, spending the night
at Phillip's.

That's her! She's home! Ow!

Just where have you been?!

I was next door at the Obecks'.

You see,
that's how the route goes...

Obecks, Keatons, Handelmans.

Fine, fine.
You're doing a good job.

Keep up the good work.

As long as I have you here,
Mrs. Keaton,

could I interest you in our
new line of yogurt products?

Have a nice day!

Who was...
Who was at the door?

The milkman. How is he?

Who cares?

There she is!

She kissed him
right in front of us!

They weren't in front of us
until you opened the door.

Elyse, why did you open the door
just then?

I-I heard the key.
I thought you were the milkman.

You gave the milkman the key?


Just where have you been?


I said, "where have you been?"

That's what I thought you said.

And the answer is,
"what business is it of yours?"

Well, we've got a big day
ahead of us.

Gotta get our sleep.

It's only 6:15.

You're only gonna have
45 minutes.

Well, that sounds
like more than enough.

Are you coming up?

No, mom and I have some things
to talk about. I'll be up.

All right, but all I'll wait
is half an hour,

then I've got to get to sleep.

I don't get my 15 minutes a day,
I'm worthless.

Now, do you mind telling me
what this is all about?

I've had a very busy evening,

and I'd like to get some rest.

Well, if you would come home
at a decent hour,

you wouldn't be so tired now.

If I'd come home
at a decent hour,

I would have had to spend
the evening arguing with you

about the divorce.

Oh, so rather than talk
with your only daughter,

you'd rather soak
in some man's hot tub?!

We did not soak in any hot tub.

I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.

The hot tub was too crowded.

We went in the sauna.

Maybe we'll use the hot tub
next time.

Just what did you and this
tooth-jockey do tonight?

I am not going to subject myself
to these questions.

I'm a mature adult capable
of taking care of my own life,

and I'm going to do so
whether you like it or not.

Come to think of it,

I remember you saying
the exact same thing to me

about 20 years ago.

Wait... just tell me,
after all these years,

how can you just go out
on dates and be with men?

Well, to tell you the truth,
it isn't easy...

But it's all coming back to me.

Good morning.

Look, Steven, we have a very
serious problem on our hands

here with my mother.

I'm trying to figure
a few things out.

If you don't mind,
I'd rather not

be diverted
by your idle chatter.

Sorry I rambled on like that.

It's okay.

Did you and your mother talk?

You... you always take her side,
don't you?


Well, admit it,

y-you've always liked my mother,
haven't you?

All right, I confess. I do.

Sorry, Alex,
it's just not going to work!

Aw, come on, Jennifer.
How do you know until you try?

Some things you just know.

What's the problem?

Alex wants me to sell
his class of '84 moustache wax

to the 5th grade.

Come on, Jennifer, Jennifer!
Jennifer, look.

I told you, I'm willing
to give you half the profits.

Hey, wait a minute.

I thought I was getting
half the profits.


The dream is dead, pop.

Sales haven't been good?

Sales haven't been.


Well, yeah, I sold a bottle
of class of '84 suntan lotion

to Mallory's friend Carla.

It was, uh...

$1.30 total profit.

Here's your 65 cents.

This was once $100, Alex.

Alex, Carla wants her money back
from that suntan lotion

you sold her!
It turned her skin green!

No way, Mallory.
She knew the risks.

I told her
there was a possibility

of that happening.


Well, just how green
did she turn?


Good morning, mom.

Morning, Elyse. Kate.

Morning, grandma. Sleep well?

Not really, Jennifer.

Not at all.



Don't do that, Elyse.
You're being very childish.

Oh, I'm being childish.

That's funny. Ha ha ha.

So, grandma, how was your date?

Oh, very nice, thank you.

How'd the necklace go over?
Did Phillip like it?

Yes, thank you, he did.

Oh, I must have left
the necklace at his house.

I'm sorry.

I tend to get a little

while I'm morally outraged.

Excuse me. Oh, Kate.


Goodbye, Steven.

Kate, what are you doing?

I'm not going to stay here
and be insulted

by that woman you married.
Oh, come on.

Come on.

Kate, pl...

Sit... sit down.

Please. Please.


Sit down.


Uh, I know Elyse has been, uh...

A little irrational lately.

A little irrational?

All right, in some states
she'd be put away, but...

You've got to understand,

divorce is always tough
on the children.


So, here we are...

Mother, daughter...

Husband, son-in-law...

Just the four of us.

Well, maybe, uh...
Maybe I'll be off to work now.

I-I-if it's okay with
the two of you...


Elyse, I'm furious with you.

You're mad at me?

I'm not the one
who stayed out all night.

Why are you having a harder time

accepting this divorce
than I am?

It's not right!

It's unnatural!

There are some things in this
world that you can count on.

The sun comes up in the morning,

it's hard to whistle
with crackers in your mouth,

and my mom and dad
do not get divorced!

Elyse, you're going
to have to get used to it.

You had a great marriage.

We had a great family.
Everybody said so.

Was it all a lie?

Look, we did have
a good marriage.

We grew apart. It happens.

But it doesn't erase
the wonderful years

we had together.

I want my family back.

Oh, honey.

It's so scary.

If... if you and dad
can break up,

that can happen to anybody.

It could happen to me.

No, I don't think
it'll ever happen to you.

Charlie and I were
husband and wife for 40 years,

but somehow we never
became real friends.

You and Steven are friends.

Don't you miss dad... A little?

Of course I do.

There are a lot of things
about your father that I miss.

Like what?

Oh, little things.

Like the way he used to
wake me up in the morning.


He used to lean over and yell,

"swimmers, take your marks!"

And then he'd shoot off
a little toy cap pistol.

You miss that?

I never overslept.

You know, Elyse...

I've always belonged
to someone else.

Charlie Donnelly's wife.

Elyse's mother.

Ned's mother.

Never just me, Kate.

This is a very difficult time
for me.

I guess I haven't made it
any easier for you, have I?

I really need your support,

I need to feel you're behind me.

Oh, I am, mom.

I'm sorry.

Will you stay?

Of course I'll stay.

You're gonna continue dating,
though, huh?



No slow-dancing
on the first date.

No coming in after 10:00
on school nights.

"School nights."

Two feet on the ground
at all times.

If you're out with someone who's
drunk too much, you call me.