Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 2, Episode 10 - To Snatch a Keith - full transcript

Steven & Elyse play mediator between a friend and his ex-wife. Steven & Elyse argue each others sides and begin their own arguments. The mediation does not work, but Steven & Elyse realize they need to always keep their marriage fresh.

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Steven: I was in a deep,
deep sleep, Elyse!

You might have considered
picking up the phone!

Elyse: I was in the shower.

Hey. Hey, what's going on?

Shh. Shh.

A fight? A fight,
and you didn't call me?

It just started,
but it has real potential.

The phone rang
seven times, Elyse!

Elyse: I happen to be
in the habit

of drying myself after a shower!

It only takes three rings
to dry yourself!


Wouldn't care... How many
times do I have to...

Both: Hi, kids.

Beautiful Sunday, isn't it?

I guess so.

Oh, it is. It's a great day.

Don't you think so, Jennifer?

Not really.

The phone woke me up
this morning.

That was your mother's fault, sweetie.
You're right.

We should have installed a phone
in the shower years ago.

It would make my life
a lot easier.

Okay, Elyse.
Richard and Keith are here.

Do you think we could stop
this silly fight?

I know I could.

Oh... oh, I see. It's my fault.

Well, y-you're right.

Look, from now on,
no matter where I am,

I'll answer the phone.

If I'm at work
and the phone's ringing,

you go next door
to the Obecks', call me.

I'll race home to answer it.

Even if you're in
a deep, deep sleep?

Oh, and there's the bell
to end the first round.


Try to keep some
sense of decorum,

would you, Elyse?

The man's been through
a horrible divorce

and custody battle.

His view of marriage
is dim enough

without our snuffing out
what little light remains.

Alex: Whoa.

Hear, hear. Bravo, dad.

What do we have for him, Keith?

Yes, it's the duro-kite
by Schiff Co.!

The duro-kite... for a lifetime
of kiting pleasure and more.

Elyse: Hi, guys.

And... For the ladies.

It's daisies. Thank you.

And the duro-kite by Schiff Co.!

Thank you, Richard.

I'm a little short
of duro-kites.

A hug will have to do. Oh, okay.

So, Keith, where has this
dad of yours taken you today?

Well, we started at
the football Hall of Fame.

Then we went to
the pony rides...

Uh, don't tell him
any more, Keith.

It's just gonna make him look
bad in front of his kids.

No, let's just say we
pretty much toured the midwest.

Tomorrow, the wine country.

Hey, Alex, you want to
go fly the kite?

Yeah, thanks anyway, Keith,

but I think I'm
a little old for kites.

Can I have the red one?


All right. Whose team am I on?

Oh, I tell you. You know?

What a beautiful sight to see.

Kids playing together.

Husband and wife living
together under the same roof.

I used to have a wife.
I used to have a roof.

Come on, Richie,
don't get bitter.

You haven't even
been here five minutes.

I'm not bitter. I-I'm not.

I'm philosophical about it,

I have no regrets.

What was, was. It's over.

I just have one question...

How'd you let me
marry that witch?

That's the idea.
Forgive and forget.

Know what it was?
You two. It was you two.

You made marriage
look phenomenal.

Kissing and hugging
all the time.

Smiling. Happy.

Shame on you.

Come on, Richard.

You and Cynthia had
some terrific times together.

You remember
that summer in Maine?

The four of us in Bar Harbor?

Ah, that was great. Tents
on the beach, digging clams.

That was July of '68.

Alex turned three that summer.

I remember we let him
hold the money.

Oh, I was in love that summer.

I was in love with
everybody and everything.

I-I remember your
infatuation with kelp.

Kelp and Cynthia.

I just made the wrong choice.

She's taking Keith
and moving to San Diego.

What do you mean "moving"?

Moving. They put your stuff
in a truck,

they break your dishes...

Oh, Richard, no. I'm sorry.

When is this happening?

They're leaving next week.

This is my last Sunday with him.

You must be excited about
moving to California, Keith.

Hollywood, Disneyland,

the Grand Canyon.

Uh, Mallory, the Grand Canyon
is not in California.

It's in Arizona.

He can still visit it,
can't he, Alex?

Yeah, he can visit Belgium, too.

What does that have
to do with it?

You'll like it in California,
Keith. You'll see.

I wish my dad
were coming with me.

Of course,
then my mom wouldn't come.


You broke another one?

Jennifer, I am doing
the best I can.

The directions are in Chinese.

Well, you've broken kites
in three languages now.

Give it to me.

I think I could
follow in Spanish.

Well, you getting
those kites together?

Yeah, and we're learning
a lot of languages, too.

Yes, the duro-kite...
It's fun and educational.

Uh, I'll be honest with you,
Mr. Bailey.

You got to have
a degree in engineering

to put these things together.

Okay, it's ready. Let's go.

Mallory: Come on, Keith.

Uh... How did you do that?

I just used my cabeza.

Who knows when
I'll see him again.

This Sunday business
is hard enough...

Now I'll see him, what,
uh, once every six months?

That's not a father.

That's a dentist.


R-Richard, I hate to... Bug you.

Oh, my god.
I forgot where I was.

I'll... I'm gonna put it out.

I'm gonna put it right out.

I'll just find a place,
then I...

I just lost my mind, that's all.

I don't know, um... Where, um...


Um, I don't...

D-did you at least discuss
the move with Cynthia?

Sure, like we discuss

I said don't do it.
She said, "I'm doing it."

I said I forbid it,
and she threw me out.

It was one of our better talks.

What about going back to court?

Try to share custody.

Don't say "court" to me, Steve.

I spent $20,000
and all last year in court.

The Ohio Bar Association
voted me Ex-Husband of the year.

I didn't know that.

Well, you know me.
I don't like to brag.

Even if I wanted to
go back to court,

it just wouldn't work.

I mean, I haven't got a chance.

I mean, unless
the mother appears in court

naked and drooling,

she's gonna get custody
of the kids every time.

Well, you got to do something.

What? Tell me. I'll do it.

I don't know what.
I don't know what I'd do.

You don't have to worry.

It's not gonna happen
to you, Steve.

I mean, you've got
a beautiful thing here.

When did Elyse ever do anything
to make you mad?

Well, um... This morning.

The one morning
I can sleep late.

I'm fast asleep,
and the phone rings.

She let it ring...

Seven times.

I had to... Get up
and answer it myself.

She did that to you?

You got to leave her.

Is something burning?

Sorry, sorry. I lit a cigarette.

A thousand pardons. I lost
my mind. There. I'm sorry.

Least you could do is apologize.

Uh, you should get
Keith's things together.

Cynthia should be here
any minute.

Stevie, the phone.


I hear it.

What do you normally do
in this situation?

Hi, dad!

Hey, how'd the kiting go?

Does this answer your question?

There's still one left.

It's stuck in
Mrs. Obeck's chimney.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Bailey.

Hi, Alex. Elyse: Oh, hi.

Oh, there's my little boy.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Hi.Hi.

Do I smell smoke?

I don't believe it.

Three hours ago,
in another room.

The woman ought to have
her nose bronzed.

Hello, Richard.


sit and have some coffee.

I just made a fresh pot.

Oh, no, no. Thanks.
No, no. We've got to run.

Tomorrow's a school day,
so, uh...

Get your things together, Keith.

Come on, mom.
Can't we stay a little longer?

There's still one kite
we haven't broken.


Come on. Please.

Well, maybe just a minute or two.

Keith: Let's go. Come on.




How you doin', Cynthia?




Us too.

We're really fine.

I was gonna ask.

Now you don't have to.

Ah, we're fine...

fine as, uh...

fine as gold.

Good, good.


You're fine, huh?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Why shouldn't she be fine?!

She's got the house,
the bank account,

my parakeet!

Do you remember Maine?

The summers?

July of '68!

That was the best one. Yeah.

I remember Maine.

I remember living
in a tent full of kelp.

Is there something wrong
with kelp?

It stinks.

Kelp stinks.

How dare you!

That's a stunning brooch,

Where... where could a person
find a brooch...

How can you do it?

How can you take my only son
2,000 miles away from me?

I have got to get away, Richard.

I have got to get out of Ohio.

I need a fresh start,
and so does Keith.

Keith is 9 years old.

9-year-old boys
do not need a fresh start.

They need a father!

Oh, my god. I forgot.

Go ahead. Smoke.
Let's all smoke.


I will not foul your home.

If you should need me,
I'll be on your front lawn

fouling your neighborhood.

He... he's just agitated,

This... Whole thing's been
very disturbing to him.

I am sick and tired of hearing

how hard this has been
on Richard.

What about me?

All I ever hear about is how

"daddy took me
to the pony rides"

and "daddy took me
to the movies"

and... and "daddy" this,
and "daddy" that.

And what do I do?

I'm the one who makes him
do his homework

and brush his teeth
and eat asparagus.

I'm no fun at all,

and Richard...
Richard is some kind of a Saint!

Can the Baileys stay for supper?

No. No. No.

this is really getting silly.

I've got to get home.

Richard, if you're done sulking,

would you mind sending Keith in?

I'll get him.

Goodbye, Cynthia.

Uh, Mr. Bailey wanted me
to give you this.

"Cynthia, I'm the one
who needs a fresh start.

I'm taking Keith.
Goodbye. Richard."


What would you do if mommy
and daddy ever got divorced?

Don't worry.
They're not gonna get divorced.

They still act as if
they're on their honeymoon.

Just think what
their honeymoon was like.

I'd rather not.

Just say they did get divorced.

Who'd you want to go with?

I'd get my own apartment
and let them visit me.

What about you?

I'd get my own
apartment building,

let 'em rent from me.

I never dreamed that
it would come to this,

that he would dare.

He was upset, angry.

He was confused. He
didn't know what he was doing.

Stop making excuses for him.

I'm not making excuses.
I'm just...

You kids still up?

Mom, it's 8:15.

Oh. Well, I-it wouldn't hurt you

to get a good night's sleep
for a change.

Hey, look.
If you want us to leave,

why don't you just say,
"please leave"?

All: Please leave.

See how easy that was?

You've always been
on Richard's side,

haven't you, Steven?

I'm not taking Richard's side.

I'm not taking sides at all.

A-although when I... when I
spoke to Richard earlier, I...

You spoke to him?

What did you say?

Mm, nothing, nothing.

All I said was that
he shouldn't sit still

and let you take Keith
to San Diego.

That's all you said?

Why didn't you write
a ransom note for him?

We had a conversation, Elyse.
He's my friend.

Did you think you had any right
to get involved in this?

I think I had more than a right.
I had an obligation.

Oh, as a man? No.

As a woman? No.

As a friend.

I felt sorry for him.

He's been through
a horrible divorce.

It wasn't exactly
a fun divorce for me.

I didn't even get an award
out of it.

Look, he needed to talk.
He was lonely.

He was depressed.

He was broke. He didn't even
have money for gas.

Good. Then they can't
get very far.

I gave him money.

Steven, how could you
give him money?

I-I hope you realize that
could make you an accessory.

An accessory?

Point of order, counselor...

Weren't you in the room
when I gave him the money?

That makes you
an accessory once removed.

You have no right
to call me that, Steven.

Cynthia, I was only trying
to console Richard.

I had no idea
that he'd try to take Keith.

I'll get it.


Richard! Just a second.
I-I'll get Cynthia.

Oh... wha...

Come on, Richard. You've
got to talk to her. You...

He won't talk to you.


Yeah, I-i guess so. I...


I promise. Where are you?

Okay, I'll leave right away.

What's going on?
Is Keith all right?

Keith's fine.
Richard wants to talk this over.

Well, I'm going with you.

He made me promise
I'd come alone.

How can I let you go...
Cyn... Cynthia.

Cynthia. It's the only way.

Hey, Keith. How you doin'?

Great. Great, Mr. Keaton!

I just won a free game.

Hey, way to go.

Hello, Richard.

Hi, Steve. Thanks for coming.

Mind if I smoke?

Go ahead.

I-i hate to stop mid-pack.

Richard... What are you doin'?

I'm not sure.

I'm confused as hell.

That's why
I wanted to talk to you.

What you're doing is crazy.

But there's no way I was gonna
let her take him to San Diego.

You're breaking the law.

It's not about the law, Steve.

It's about my feelings.

It's about my life.

What about Keith's feelings?
What about Keith's life?

What are you talking about?
Look, I am doing this for Keith.

What are you doing for him,
Rich? Making him a fugitive?

You have no money.

You don't know
where you're going.

Leaving your job.

You're not doing this
to help Keith.

You're doing it to hurt Cynthia.

Come on, Richard. Let's go home.

You ever been to
the, uh, pony rides, Steve?

I think we should
stop at home first.

I go every Sunday.
I'm a regular.

That's what
divorced fathers do on Sunday.

You should see us there.

Bunch of lonely guys
dressed like our kids,

trying to do the impossible.

Trying to love
against the clock.

Waving as they come
trotting toward us, and...

Drying our eyes
when they make their turn.

We're a club.
We ought to get jackets.

We're Sundays fathers.

Sundays fools.

Coffee? Uh, oh, no.

Thanks. I-i came here to talk.

What do you want to talk about?

I can talk about anything.

You name the subject,
and I'll talk.

Okay, I'll have that coffee.

Works every time.

Do you want some pie
with that coffee?

You tell me.

A little piece.

Richard, why did you
ask me to come here?

You want... you want me to say
you're doing the right thing?

That Cynthia drove you to this?

That you have no choice?

That I'd do the same thing
in your shoes?

Yes, that's pretty much
what I want you to say.

Well, I can't say that!
Well, you just said it!

I can't say it and mean it!

You and Cynthia
have got to talk this out.

We're through talking, Steve.

Now I'm doing this my way.

Your way is not going to work.

How the hell do you know
so much about this, Keaton?

I know you're making
a big mistake, buster.

And don't call me
"buster," Keaton.

I didn't call you
"Buster Keaton."

Well, I didn't say
you called me "Buster Keaton."

Can we stop
this "Buster Keaton" business?!

I don't agree
with what you're doing.

I will not support it.


Thanks a lot, Steve.

I'm glad I can come to you
in my time of need.

Let's go, Keith. Richard,

you're doing something wrong.

It's not wrong, Steven!

You haven't lived this!

You can't know how I feel.

But I know what you're doing.

You and Cynthia are at war,

and you're taking prisoners.

Bye, Mr. Keaton.

What's taking him so long?

He's been gone
for over two hours now.

Try to calm down, Cynthia.

You're not making it
any easier on yourself.

I know Keith
isn't wearing a sweater.

Richard never makes him
wear a sweater.

Where's Keith?
What happened?

The only thing I can tell you
is that he's okay.

He's not coming back?

I tried.
Richard wasn't listening.

I'm sorry.

No luck, huh, dad?

I tried, Alex. I really tried.

Yeah, I know you did.

You know what I was just
thinking about?


Lake Hiawatha.

I'm glad I didn't
hazard a guess.

Christmas, '79. Remember?

We shared a cabin up there
with the Baileys.

How can two people who loved
each other so much...

They really did love each other.

I know. I had the room
next to them.

They really did love each other.

Anyway, dad, I'm gonna be
really sure when I get married.

Well, I'll be
rooting for you, son.

I hope you'll be
one of the lucky ones.

You know, you are.

I know.

Sure, your mom and I fight
once in a while, but, uh...

You're right.

I am one of the lucky ones.

I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.

But I'm closer.
No, I think I'm closer.

No, no. Anyway,
I think it's my turn.


Just a second.
Alex, it's for you.

Who is it? I don't know.
Some girl.

I'll take it upstairs.

You know, I could have
gotten the phone.

I know.

It was the stupidest fight.

One of the all-time stupidest.

You ready to make up?

Real ready. Oh.


I don't like it when we fight.

Neither do I,
but I love making up.

Mm. Alex: Oh, for
crying out loud!

Will you hang up the phone?!

Steven, d-do you notice
how we always seem to fight

just before
Richard and Cynthia come over?

I guess we see a little
of ourselves in them,

and it scares us.

They once had a wonderful
marriage, and it's over.

We just got to keep
working at it.

You're a very
persuasive guy, Steven.