Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 1, Episode 2 - Not with My Sister You Don't - full transcript

With Stephen and Elyse away for the weekend, Alex hosts a wild party and worries over Mallory going off with one of his womanizing friends.

Okay! This should do it.

Ugh! You guys are only
going for the weekend.

Napoleon took fewer bags
when he invaded Russia.

Well, we know what happened
to him don't we?

Are you meeting the Davises
up there again? -Yeah.

Why is it every time you go up
to the lake, it's with them?

Well, i-it's tradition.

We met Ron and Suzanne when
we were all on our honeymoons,

and it's just kind of nice
to see them every year.

It's kind of like an old-timers'
baseball game, you know?

You don't really remember
how to play,

but you go through the motions.

All right,
I think we're all set.

Four rackets?

Well, i-i don't have any idea
what Ron is bringing.

- I have to be ready for him.
- Yeah, wait a minute.

You're not gonna get into
that competition thing again.

Now, you promised.

Of course not.
We worked that out years ago.

Now it's just friendly...
Survival of the fittest.

If you guys don't get going,

you're gonna get stuck
in traffic.

We're going. We're going.
You have the hotel phone number?

You wrote it down in every room,

along with numbers
for police, fire,

doctor, every neighbor
in a six-mile radius,

and our congressman.

Sounds good.
Ready to go, Elyse?

Yeah, I guess so. As ready
as I'm gonna be, anyway.

Hold down
the excitement level, dear.

You don't want to peak
too early.

Look, I got to admit
I'm kind of nervous

about leaving the kids alone.

What's the matter?
You think we're babies?

No, no, it's just we've never left
the three of you alone before.

Mom, don't worry about a thing.
We're gonna be fine.

Remember, I'll be in charge.

Wait a minute.

I thought we were all in charge.

Isn't each of us responsible
for his or her own life?

I appreciate existentialism,

even in a 9-year-old,

but since Alex is the oldest,
he's in charge.

Why don't we go
by height instead?

Why don't we go
by life expectancy?


Would you knock it off?

Look, maybe it's not fair
to leave Alex in charge.

Maybe we shouldn't go.

No! Of course you should go.

You two deserve
this time together.

And you know something?

The more I think of it,
the more I begin to realize

that Alex is an excellent choice
to be in charge.

Thank you both
for suggesting it.

You don't have to lay it on
so thick, Mallory.

- We're going. We're going.
- Okay.

Take care. Call if you need
any help, all right?

Hey, don't worry about a thing.

- We're gonna be fine.
- Come on, Elyse, let's go.

- Bye!
- I love you.

We'll all turn in early tonight.

I'll probably read the kids
a book first,

and maybe make them
some hot chocolate

if it won't get them...

too excited.

Party time!

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
i started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ when I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Jennifer. Jennifer,
what are you doing?

Jennifer, what are you doing?

I'll bet mommy and daddy
are taking pictures

of their trip to show us.

I want to show them
how we spent our weekend.

Uh, Jennifer,
that's not a good idea.

Uh, you see, uh,
these two kids are involved

in something very delicate.

She's got something in her eye,

and he's trying to take it out.

Is that what you really think
they're doing, Alex?


I think we'd better have
a little talk.

How you doing, Keaton?
Nice party.

Hi, Eric.

Alex. Alex.
I've got to talk to you.

What? What is it?

Don't look over
my left shoulder.

I told you not to look!

Cut it out.
You're gonna give me whiplash.

The boy over my left shoulder...
Is that who I think it is?

I don't know.
I'm not allowed to look.

Okay, you can look.
But don't be obvious about it.

Now, is that or is that not
Eric Morrison?

Yeah, that's him.

You know Eric Morrison,
and you didn't even tell me?!

Will you cut it out? I'm gonna
end up in the hospital.

Introduce me to him.

I don't want to bother him.

Alex, he's captain
of eight varsity teams.

He's really cool.
All the girls' parents hate him.

That is a good recommendation.

Yeah, all right. Maybe later.

He's coming over here now.

Hi, Eric.

How you doing, Keaton?
Nice party.

Well, what have we here?

Oh, this is nobody,
just my kid sister.

Uh, Mallory Keaton,
I'd like you to meet...

I know who it is. You're
Eric Morrison, aren't you?

Yeah. Kind of lucky for me,
isn't it?


That goes double for me.

Well, I was gonna get myself
something cold to drink.

- Can I get you something?
- I'd like a soda.

Not you.

This is amazing. I mean,
this is really kind of scary.

I was just thinking
about a nice, cold drink.

We must be on the same
psychic wavelength.

Must be.

- Hello, Eric.
- Hey, kitten.

- Hi, Albert.
- Alex.


You know, this is really
a terrific party, Keaton.

You're a wonderful host, really.

Thanks. I'm glad
you're enjoying yourself.

Oh, yeah.

The way I see it,
my biggest problem right now

is trying to decide
which one of these girls

to take for a ride
in my new car.

Well, anything I can do to help.

If you want me to screen
a few of them for you, or...

I think I can handle it,
but just remember,

when you hear that horn
go "owww!"

I'm on the prowl.

Well, here we go.

Yours is in the kitchen, Alex.

She knows I like to drink
my soda in the kitchen.

So, come here often?

You think the kids miss us
as much as we miss them?

You want the truth?

Not necessarily.

Well, then I think
they miss us terribly.

Thank you.

I am so glad that we're up here.

Me too. I've got great things
planned, Elyse.

So do I.

I thought we'd start
with a short jog for distance.

Then, uh, swimming, doubles
tetherball, and ping-pong.

That should get us warmed up
for the volleyball tournament.

We're on vacation,
not training for the Olympics.

You're right. You're right.
We'll skip the javelin.

I-I'm getting worried.

Ron isn't even here yet,
and already you're competing.

I'm not! I'm not.
Well, you'll see.

It's not like you're here
with a couple of kids.

We're two mature adults.

Well, forgive me
for being concerned,

but if I recall,
your last words to Ron were,

"I'm taller than you are,
nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah!"

Well, I am. I'm just kidding.

We... we can have a great time
without the competition.

I love their company.

So do I.
Oh, I wish they'd get here.

Yeah, we really beat them here,
didn't we?


I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'll get this stuff put away.

Uh, not that way, Elyse.

I moved our stuff
into the other bedroom.

- Why?
- Why?

Because that room is 18x24
and our room is 18x26.

Steven, no one in the world
could tell the difference

between those two rooms.

- Hey, hey!
- Hey!

- What do you say, bear?
- How you doin'?

- Lobo.
- Hi, Ron.

How are you?

Oh, I'm sorry we're late.

Mr. Shortcut
thought the paved roads

might slow us down.

Just wanted to try out
the four-wheel-drive vehicle.

You don't have
a four-wheel-drive vehicle,

do you, Steven?

I'm sure he will by sundown.

Come on. Come on in.
Make yourselves at home.

First event! Here we go!

Oh, uh, uh, not... not...
Not that... that one, r-Ron.

Um... You've... you've got
the other bedroom.


You know, Elyse,
I had a long talk with Ron

on the way up here.

Lord knows
we had the time for it.

I think the competition thing
will no longer be an issue.

Took the big room,
didn't you, Keaton?

Hey. Hey, hey.

I like fun as much
as the next guy.

But these lights
must remain on... house rules.

Hey, there's no reason we all
can't have good, clean fun

with the lights on, okay?

Bet we could have more fun
with the lights off, Albert.


Ah, what the hell?
There is an energy crisis.



Yeah, yeah, it's me, Albert...
Alex. Whatever.

Noise? Um, no, I don't...
I... oh, oh, that's the TV.

There's a commercial
for firecrackers.

You... you want to talk
to Jennifer.

Just a minute.

Jennifer. Jennifer.
It's mom and dad.

Now, you can talk, but don't let
them know what's going on here.

Don't worry. I'm no fink.

Hello. I'm fine, daddy.

Hi, mom.

Uh, nothing much.

I was just taking pictures
with my new camera.

Nature stuff...
Birds and the bees.

Uh, well, you two
must be in a hurry,

so I'll just let you go.

Uh, Mallory? J-just a minute.

- Jennifer, where's Mallory?
- She left.

She left?
She couldn't have left.

She did... with some guy.

What guy?

Your friend.

The guy with the... Bedroom eyes.

Why didn't you stop them?

They're too fast for me, pal.

Uh, Mallory can't come
to the phone right now.

No. She's, uh...

Insulating the attic.

Yeah, yeah. It's a surprise
for when you get home.

You'll love it.

Okay, I will.

All right, bye-bye.


Alex! Will you stop pacing?
You're making me nervous!

When you have kids,
you'll understand.

Why are you so upset?

She's with your friend.

That's why I'm so upset.

You mean he's not a nice boy?

Let's just say...

He might not be a gentleman
with Mallory.

You mean, if he burps,
he won't say "excuse me"?

Right. Right.
That's exactly what I mean.

You really feel like it's
your fault, don't you?



Don't feel so guilty.

Guilt is a useless emotion.

Jennifer, just let me
feel guilty, all right?

That's the way
I'm supposed to feel.

In that case,
you blew it with me, too.

You shouldn't have let me have a
third bowl of peanut-butter popcorn.

My stomach is killing me.

Is there anything I can do?

You could rub my tummy.

That's what mommy always does.

Lift 'em up. Ugh!

How's this?

Mommy usually rubs in circles.


Not bad.

But it still hurts.

I don't know
what I was thinking,

having a wild party like that.

I mean, I'm supposed to be
babysitting for you kids,

not throwing orgies for you.

Alex, what's an or...

Don't ask.

I try to be
a responsible person,

but sometimes the human side
of me takes over,

you know what I mean?

I can't deal with it now, Alex.

Could you please sing to me?

Mommy always sings
when I don't feel well.

The only song
I know all the words to

is "the star-spangled banner."

Don't sing that.

I'll have to stand up.

I don't know the words
to anything else.

Any torch song will do.

♪ it's quarter to 3:00

♪ there's no one in the place

♪ except for you and me

♪ set 'em up, Joe.

- Alex.
- Mallory!

I'm glad you're up. You know...

Up?! Of course I'm up.

Do you think
i could sleep with...

With you god knows where

doing god knows what
with I-know-who.

I don't believe you.

You don't believe me?

- Good night, Alex.
- "Good night, Alex"?!

Oh, no, my dear,
you're gonna sit down right now,

and you're gonna tell me
exactly what you've been doing

for the past two hours.

Alex, I don't have
to tell you that.

- Good night.
- "Good night"?

"Good night"?! "Good night"?!

Kids today.


Hey, come on,
it's just a trophy.

Don't make such
a big deal about it.

It just means that we're
the best dancers at the resort,

that's all.

It's just one resort.

And there may be dancers
somewhere in the world

who are better than we are,

but they're obviously not
at this resort this weekend.

But it's possible.

Personally, I thought
the band quit a little early.

I was glad they stopped
when they did.

My feet were getting sore.

Really? Mine weren't.

No one was walking on yours.

I was just trying to get you
to dance a little faster.

It was an up-tempo number,

and I thought we had
a really good shot at winning.

You got a point total there,

Yeah, let's see.

The dancing was worth 14.

And you won
the, uh, swimming competition,

and, uh, Suzanne,
the golf driving for distance.

See, I told you
that weight training

was gonna pay off for you.

Uh, we copped the archery
and the spelling bee,

so... For today,

you guys are up by 24.

Overall, we're still ahead
by 134 points.

But the evening is still young.

So, what's next, guys?
Skeet shooting?

Tag-team wrestling?

Or how about the old

"who can hold his breath longer
and turn blue first" contest?

All right, go over
those choices again.


Come on!
Just making a joke, Elyse.

Some of us aren't laughing, Ron.

Okay. Time for Monopoly.

- Places, everyone.
- I'm the racing car.

Unh-unh. My set.
I'm the racing car.

Okay, I'm the thimble, then.

Go get my dice, Suzanne.
They're in the top drawer.

I'm not getting your dice.

I'm tired of these games.

I'm tired
of sharpening your spikes.

I'm tired of oiling your glove.

I'm your wife,
not your equipment manager.

Ron, I'm going to bed now.

If you care anything at all
for me,

you'd better be right behind me.

I think,
under the circumstances, Steve,

we'd better play the short game.

Ron, I think you'd better
go talk to her.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I got to get my dice, anyway.


- I'll set up the board.
- Steven!

Bet I can make up with my wife
quicker than you can make up...

- Ron!
- All right!

I don't know
what happens to you.

I'm sorry, honey.

I really wanted this weekend
to be special for us.

When you say "us," do you mean
you and me or you and Ron?

Maybe we should stop
coming here.

Oh, look, I'm sorry.

I-i thought we could all come up
and have a good time.

I-i thought Ron and I
were past it.

I guess we're not.

You're a different person
when you're around him.

I know.

It started on our honeymoon,

when they edged us in
the newlywed potato-sack race.

It's just no fun
coming up here anymore,

and unless you and Ron
can work this out,

I think this should be our last
vacation with the Davises.

You're right.

Ron and I have been
acting like idiots,

and it's gonna stop.

Well, you've said that before.

I know, but I never realized
how childishly we were behaving.

I'm really sorry.

Well, I guess I can forgive you.

I mean, how could I act
like that here, of all places?

This is our honeymoon spot.

Maybe I haven't
been acting like it,

but, uh, this place
means a lot to me.

I know.
It means a lot to me, too.

Lots of memories, huh? Yeah.

I'm gonna talk to Ron tomorrow.

You know, I think it's
too early to give up on him.

You know, underneath it all,
he's a very sensitive guy.

I'm sure he's capable of having
a good time without competing.

Well, that's one.

Mallory, I'd like to talk
to you for a second.

Can you believe that?

I'm half out of my mind
with worry, and she's mad at me.

It's because you yelled at her.

Of course I yelled.

I was concerned about her.

I know that, and you know that.

But don't you think
you ought to tell her that?

Communication is so important
in a relationship.

I heard that on "Donahue."

Kitchen's clean.

I don't know how the bubble gum
got in the oven.

Mallory, I'd like
to talk to you.

Alex, I have nothing
to say to you.

I'm gonna go up
and sort my socks.

Remember, communication
is a two-way street.

Listen, I'm sorry about the way
I acted last night.

I was way out of line.

You don't have to tell me anything
you don't want to tell me.

You're entitled to your privacy.

- Thank you.
- So, what happened last night?

- Alex!
- Look, Eric's a smooth guy.

A young kid like you must have
been putty in his hands.

I was not putty in his hands.

Just what were you in his hands?

Alex, don't you think
I have a mind of my own?

I mean, I don't let a boy do
anything I don't want him to do.

Should I take that to mean
nothing happened?

Oh, you could.

Or you could take it to mean
that nothing happened

that I didn't want to happen.


Let's narrow down
those options a little.

Do you realize
how insulting you're being?

I mean, if I were your brother
and you were my sister,

you wouldn't be asking me
all these questions.

If you were my brother,

Eric wouldn't have been
interested in you.

He would've been
interested in me.

And then you'd be
standing here asking

the exact same questions
I'm asking you,

because then
I would be the girl.

And I'll tell you
something else.

I wouldn't even
have gone out with him.

So you believe
in the old double standard,

then, don't you?

No. No, I believe
in a triple standard...

One for girls, one for boys,
and one for sisters.

Eric, what are you doing here?

I came to give Mallory
these flowers.

Yeah, well, my sister doesn't
want your lousy flowers.

And I don't even want her
to talk to you.

So why don't you just go home?

Now, why don't you let
Mallory decide

if she wants to
talk to me or not?

That's a good idea.

After all, Eric came to see me,
not you.

All right. All right, Mallory,
take the flowers.

Take the flowers. I just want
you to know one thing.

You're breaking
your brother's heart.

Thank you for the flowers, Eric.

Mallory, what are you doing?

I don't want your lousy flowers.

What are you doing here, anyway?

Well, actually, I came by
to give you another chance.

I mean, obviously you weren't
thinking clearly last night.

I mean, your biorhythms
could have been off.

I'm just not the kind of guy
to hold a grudge.

What you are is an egotistical,
conceited jerk.

I know you think
you're charming,

but, personally,
I think you're obnoxious.

I never want to see you again.

In fact, I don't even
want to see you now.

Out, out, out.

Okay, well, uh...

I just want you to know
I don't have

any hard feelings about this
at all.

Well, that makes one of us.

Um, Mallory, uh, think you could
give me back the flowers?

I got two more stops to make.

Well, I guess you really can
take care of yourself.

It's about time you realized it.

You must have really had
a horrible time last night.

It was unbelievable.

He kept feeding me
these corny lines

about how he can make me
feel like a woman.

I told him I'd feel
a lot more like a woman

if I weren't
with such a little boy.

Whoa! I'll bet that
made him back off.


Then he drove me up
to the point.

And that's where
the wrestling match started.

- I'll kill him.
- You don't need to.

I say it's about two more weeks
before his bruises heal.


I really am sorry
about the way I acted.

I know.

You were just thinking
of my welfare.

You were concerned.

You were overprotective.

And you were a yutz.

But I know what
you were thinking, Alex,

and I appreciate it...
I really do.

Mom and dad
are never gonna believe this.

They're in the driveway!
T-minus 20 seconds!

Um, everyone sit down.
Look wholesome.

"'And this porridge is
just right, ' said goldilocks."

We're here! We're home!

Oh, we thought you guys
wouldn't get along.

Steven, see if the second floor
is still there.

So, everything went okay, huh?

Oh, yeah.
A little quiet but bearable.

Things were fine. Great.
Never better.

In fact, probably
actually perfect.

Shame you couldn't have
been here to see it.

I have pictures.