Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Fugitive: Part 1 - full transcript

Elyse's brother Ned shows up suddenly with the FBI hot on his tail.

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la


Isn't there anything
more interesting on?

A test pattern, maybe?

It happens to be
a quality show, Alex.

Erik's really cute.

Hey, Mal, do you mind giving me
a hand here?

I'm trying to work out
this hitch in my swing.

I hate baseball.

It's noisy, it's crowded,

and everybody wears
those tacky double knits.

Oh, Jennifer,
you should know better

than to practice baseball
in the house.

Sorry, dad.

Mallory, turn off the TV.
Alex, help me clean up here.

Your uncle Ned's
gonna be here any minute.

Maybe he'll practice with me.

Knowing uncle Ned,
I'm sure he will,

but I'm counting on you to keep
him under control this time.

Don't you like it
when uncle Ned comes?

I love it,

but I just wish one time
when your brother comes to town

he'd give us
more than two hours' notice.

Uncle Ned may be impulsive,

but you got to remember
one thing.

He's the junior vice president
of the Syntram corporation,

which happens to be
the 12th largest

multinational corporation
in the world.

In the fast-paced world
of big business,

decisions have to be made
like that.

There's no time to think.

You'll fit right in
someday, Alex.

I think so.



Oh-ho! Oh!

Steven: You're looking great.

Oh, my.

Who's the little monkey face?

Hey, Alex.

♪ she's a woman now

Hey, how you doing? Welcome.
Good, good, good.

It's so good to see you!
Come on and sit down!

Oh, it's good to see
all of you guys!

Oh, the bag! Here you go, Ned.

I have presents for each
and every one of you.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Starting with Jennifer.

It's a little New York City
skyline inside a dome.

Shake it up, snow's inside.

Careful with that.
It's one of a kind.

I also have one
for each of the rest of you!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Alex! Mallory! Elyse! Steven!

Ohh, Steven, I'm sorry.

You know, one day I'm gonna work

inside of one
of those buildings.

Should be a perfect fit.

I'll get it.


Hi, mom! Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey, have I got a surprise
for you.

You will never guess
who just came for a visit.

Uh, who is it?
Uh... The gas man.

He just came to read the meter.

Well, he prefers
reading at night.

He sleeps better
if he reads first.

Can I call you back later, mom?

Good, okay, thanks. Bye.

Why did you do that?

No reason.

Look, Elyse, I-I'm on vacation.

I just want to relax.

If it's all the same,

I'd like to take
a couple of days,

get settled before I talk
to mom and dad.

Uh, parents can be tough
to deal with sometimes.

Hey, I know what you mean.

Ah, Ned, it's great that
you could get this time off,

that you took a vacation

a couple of months ago.

Uh... Yeah.

Y-yeah, well, uh,
this isn't a vacation, per se.

It's more of
a-a leave of absence.

I was feeling
a little burned out.

I needed some time off,
you know?

You're not sick, now, are you?

No. No, no, no.

Nothing like that.
Just a little tired.

I was hoping I could stay here
for a while, if it's okay?

Sure. Oh, that'd be terrific.

Sure, make yourself at home.
We won't bother you.

You can even go take a nap
if you want.

Ohh, great.


What do you say we blow
this couch out of here

and play a couple
of innings, guys?


Oh, you don't know
how I appreciate

a home-cooked meal, Elyse.

I don't cook much
in my apartment anymore,

not since the fire.

It's a mystery to me how you
live in that apartment.

It was such a mess
last time we visited.

Come on, Elyse, you just
caught me at a bad time.

I didn't have time to tidy up
before you arrived.

It looked like strip mining
had been going on.

No. No strip mining.

The geological surveys we did
were inconclusive.

Don't make fun of me, Ned.
I-i worry about you.

I know. And it's so cute.

You're such a big sister.

So, Ned, uh, how's work?

What's going on at Syntram?

Come on, dad.
I showed you that clipping.

They've moved up seven notches
on the Fortune 500.

You've got a copy of the
Fortune 500 in your wallet?

No, I wish.

I only have the top 25
in my wallet.

I keep the complete list
under my pillow.

I also have...

The clipping from two years ago

when you were promoted
to junior vice president...

And your speech
before the World Bank...

And your award for best
young executive of 1981.

You got any pictures of me
in a swimsuit in there?

Come on, uncle Ned, there's
no need for false modesty.

We all know you're a genius.

Your command
of computer technology,

your business acumen,

your math abilities
are well-documented.

That's right.

You're looking at a man
who's memorized

every number
between one and 100.

Oh, yeah? What comes after 63?

Oh, come on, Jennifer.
Not when everybody's watching.


Allied international airlines?


No, I-I'm sorry.

You must have the wrong number.

There's no one named
Stanislaw Demkowski here.

This is Stanislaw.

Nyet, nyet. No.

I-I do not know
when I will be leaving yet.

Can I keep
my return ticket open?

Oh, danke, danke.

Bei mir bist du schoen.

Uh, since I'm up, anybody need
anything from the fridge?

Some butter, some baking soda,

some chopped chives?

Ned, that call was for someone
named Stanislaw.

Yeah, that struck me
as strange, also.


Oh, well, there's
a very simple explanation.

I booked my airline ticket
through the company's computers,

and I used an assumed name so
they wouldn't know I was here.

Otherwise, they'd be calling
every five minutes

with some problem at work.

May I use your phone for
a second? Quick business call?

Certainly, Stanislaw.

After all, you are a guest
in our country.

The falcon has landed.

The fat man walks alone.

I repeat...
The falcon has landed,

and the fat man walks alone.

So, you're sure
about those chopped chives?

Good morning.

Good morning, uncle Ned.
You sleep well?

Like a baby.
Didn't you hear me crying?

What you working on?


Mm, what's the problem?


Need some help?

Well, I did this problem
with that formula

you showed me last night,

and I got "x" equals 7.

But the book says "x" equals 9.

Compromise. Make "x" equal 8.

Okay. Now, I want all the dirt.
Tell me everything.

The inner workings
of the corporate world.

Bold, daring decisions

made in the face
of an ever-changing

and uncertain world economy.

Uh, survival of the fittest

elevated to the highest levels
of corporate technology.

Come on, uncle Ned, tell me,
is that what it's like?

Kind of.


God, I love getting
the inside story!

Don't encourage him, uncle Ned.

Uncle Ned,
what is really the most

exciting part of it all?

I have two secretaries.

You've just destroyed
all his fantasies.

I've created new ones.

Okay, kids. Get a move on!

Your car pool's
gonna be here any minute.

Uncle Ned,
can you give me a few pointers?

We have a big game
after school today,

and I've been
in a batting slump lately.

Well, that's because you swing

at too many bad pitches,

and I told you that
last time I was here.

All right. Come on, come on.

Let's go outside,
and I'll toss you a couple.

Uh-oh, our car pool is here.
See you later!

That's okay, that's okay.

We can get in a couple swings
on the way to the car.

Hey Alex, Mallory, shag
some flies for us, would you?

Okay, bye.

Oh, Steve, come on out!
We need a catcher!

Don't say it, Steven.

You don't even know
what I was going to say.

You were going to say that Ned
is childish and irresponsible.

I wasn't going to say that.

That's a given.

What I was going to say is, uh,

I think something's going on

that Ned's not telling us.

He's been so evasive
about why he's in town now.

I know what you mean,
but that's Ned.

I mean, he told us last night

he's feeling burned out,

and he just wants to take
a leave of absence.

Well, then,
what's all this stuff, uh...

The fat man has landed and...

Actually, it was
the... the falcon that landed.

The fat man walked alone.

Ned: Aw, give the kid a break,
Mrs. Anderson!

She's got a big game today!

Well, what's a couple
of minutes?!

That woman should not
be driving a car pool.

She's far too irritable.

Oop, I'll get that.


Just a minute. I'll see.

Elyse, do you have
any friends named Bernice?

Uh, Bernice Wilkins.

Bernice, what's your last name?

Okay, she's got that right.
How tall is she?

She's about... Ned! What...

Bernice. Hi.

Who answered the phone?
The gas man.

Yeah, can I call you back?

Don't ever call here again.

Ned, what is going on?

I just don't want the people
from work to know I'm here.

Why not?

Because I've been having
some problems at work lately.

Some big problems.

Well, the truth
of the matter is, I quit.

Or if you want to get
all technical about it,

I was fired.

Oh, Ned.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, the thing is,

I didn't leave on exactly
the best of terms

with the company brass.

Uh, there may be some things
they might want to say to me

that I don't
really want to hear,

and some things
they might want to do to me

that I don't want to have done.

What are you saying?
Are you in some physical danger?

Only if they catch me.

Now, I-i don't understand.

Why are they after you?

Well, I had
a little disagreement

with the president
of the company.

All of this is over
a little disagreement?

Well, at first
it was a little disagreement.

Then I poured a cup of coffee
on his head.

On your boss?

He said he wanted a second cup.

Uh, look, um,

why don't I just explain this
from the very beginning?

About two years ago,

the Syntram corporation
bought a small company

called Hemsdale machine parts,

and, as it turns out,

Syntram bought that company
for only one reason.

To make money.

To lose money.


I was never very good
at business.

You see,
once the merger went through,

Syntram could claim

that Hemsdale was
an unprofitable business

and shut it down,

and they would use the loss
as a huge tax write-off,

and the whole transaction
would actually make

millions of dollars
for the company.

And I was the man in charge
of making all of that happen.

That was your big promotion,
right? I remember that.

Yeah. Alex took the day off
from school.

Yeah, well, uh,
a couple of months ago,

I visited Hemsdale
for the first time

and saw the people we were
about to put out of work...

All 1,800 of them...

And it just really got to me.

But you must have known
that they existed before that.

Until then,
they were just numbers

on a computer printout, Steve.

But when I saw them,
they were real people.

They had overalls
and lunch buckets

and hats, umbrellas.

The forecast called for rain.

Well, what happened?

A light shower.
Sun came out about...

What did you do?

Oh, well...

I went to the president
of our company,

and I explained how I felt.

I suggested
that he call the merger off

and keep Hemsdale open.

And he said to me...

"Ned, let's keep this
in perspective.

"Those 1,800 people
have their financial concerns,

and we have ours."

Moments later,
the man had coffee in his hair.

Pouring coffee on his head
was pretty dumb, but it...

Do you really think
they'll send someone after you?

Big business can be dangerous.

I've heard of people
who have disappeared

after mixing up a lunch order.

Must be very difficult for you.

I mean, after all you've worked
for for the past 10 years.

Yeah, I guess
I had no other choice.

But, um,
what was all this business

about the, uh, falcon
and the fat man? Yeah.

Oh, that was nothing.

I was canceling
a racquetball date

I had with Billy Whitsett.

We call him "the fat man."

I'm glad you told us, Ned.

At least it'll...
This'll put an end

to all this
cloak-and-dagger business.

Of course.


"Pussycat, pussycat,
w-where have you been"?

Just tell 'em I've been
to London to visit the...

Forget it.

Ned: Oh, you quitter.

What's the big deal?

I-I mean, we had time
for one more inning.

It was getting dark, uncle Ned.

So what? It was a tie game!

I was getting tired.

Hey. You play tired.
That's part of the game.

Their pitcher was even
losing her good stuff.

All the kids had to go home
for dinner.

What a gyp.

Hey, champ.

Hi, uncle Ned.

Listen, uh, my dad
told me the whole thing.

I think what you did was great.

You do?


Yeah, y-you did
what you had to do.

Now they know you're not
just another yes man.

You're a freethinker, a-a rebel.

The president will probably
come running back to you

and offer you a big raise
and a promotion.

Alex, I'm not going back
to Syntram.

You know, you're right.
To hell with 'em.

The other big multinationals

will probably be banging down
your door pretty soon.

You could just take
your pick, right?

No. I'm through
with the business world.

Finished. Never again.

The ballgame's over.

You can't do that, uncle Ned!

You've got one of the best
young business minds

since... Henry Ford.

Since Howard Hughes!

Since a lot of guys!

You're part of a new breed.

You're brass. You're sassy.

You're now!

Let's face it, you owe it
to humanity to make money.

Alex, there's a lot of
information about this

that has yet to surface.

And when it does,

you may not be that thrilled
with me.

What do you mean?

Alex, I'm about
to tell you something

that I couldn't tell
your parents.

No, I'm not.

Oh, hi, Ned.

How did Jennifer's
softball game go?

Well, it was a tie game,

and Jennifer wanted to come home

'cause it was getting dark,

and she was
getting hungry and tired,

and I really think
you ought to have a talk

with that kid, Steve.

Hey, mom and dad,

a car just pulled up
in the driveway.

Yeah, it's got U.S. government
license plates.

Are you sure? Positive.

Oh, son of a gun, Mallory,
you're right!

Government plates.

Ned, do you know anything
about this?

Me? No, nothing.
Never seen the guy before.

But whoever he is, he's about
to ring your front doorbell.

Well, I got to
go get some ice cream.


Yes? Is this the
Keaton residence?

Yes. Great!

That would make you
Steven Keaton, right?

Uh, right.

Whoa! Two out of two!

Uh, what can I do for you?

May... may I come in?

Yeah. My name's Bert Carlyle.

I'm with your local office

of the Federal Bureau
of Investigation.

What's going on?

Don't tell me! Don't tell me!

You... you... you...
You must be Elyse, right?

That's right.

I'm pretty good at this,
aren't I?

And, uh, you must be Alex
and, uh, Mallory.

Uh, who's the little girl?
Friend of the family?

She's our daughter Jennifer.

Are you sure?

I'm quite certain.

Okay. First mistake.

Heads will roll!



Got it.

How do you know
so much about us?

Well, I pulled your file from
the computer this afternoon.

Say, you know,
you folks have been

the talk of the office
all day long.

Uh, excuse me, dear.
Excuse me, dear.

Ah, here we are.

"Steven and Elyse Keaton.
Married may 1964.

in no fewer than 15

political demonstrations

"between 1966 and 1973.

Arrested three times."

See here, Mr. Carlyle,

I don't know
what you want with us,

but I do know my rights.

According to the Privacy Act
of 1974,

I have the right to examine
the FBI's file on us.

Okay, here.

Can I have that back
before I go?

It's my only copy.

Mr. Carlyle, will you please
tell us why you're here?

Oh, right. Listen,
I'm sorry to bother you folks.

We got a call from the
New York office this morning.

Now, it seems
they're looking for a...

A Ned Donnelly.

He's my brother.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

He's, uh, your brother.
That's correct.

Anyway, we're just making
a routine check of his relatives

to see if they know where he is.

Uh, has Ned
done something illegal?

Ma'am, the FBI doesn't
go looking for people

unless they've done
something illegal.

It's a new policy.

Well, just what did
uncle Ned do?

Let's see,
what did uncle Ned do?

What did uncle Ned do?

Uncle Ned stole $4.5 million.


The Syntram corporation
has filed charges against him

for, and I quote, "embezzlement"

"and tampering
with corporate records

and corporate funds involving
interstate transactions."

Is that good or bad?

It's bad, Jennifer.

So, um, do you folks know
where we might find him?


No, we don't.

She's right.
We haven't heard from him.

Not in months.

And we definitely didn't play
baseball together today.

Mr. Carlyle,

do... do you really believe
my brother stole that money?

I mean he's not the type.

I'll mention that
to the guys in New York,

but to be honest with you,

I think they'll want to push
ahead with the case, anyway.

Can I have my file back?
I got to go.

M-Mr. Carlyle...

It says here
that we participated

in left-wing conspiracies
to overthrow the government.

We... we never did that.

Well, don't take it
so literally.

It's just a bookkeeping thing.

L-let's just say,

for the sake of argument,

that we know where Ned is.

We... we don't, of course. No.

But let's say we do.

I'm just curious
what would happen to us

if, uh, we didn't tell you...

Hypothetically speaking,
of course.

Hmm. Interesting.

I guess...

Uh, hypothetically speaking,

that you would be
hypothetically arrested

for harboring a known criminal

and hypothetically
be sent to a very real jail.

I see.

Fascinating stuff, isn't it, eh?

Well, listen...

I have to go.

If, uh, you hear
from your brother, ma'am,

please, uh...

Give me a call.

Keep in mind,

withholding information
is a federal offense.

Have a nice night.