Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - Brian Writes a Bestseller - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there 's a family guy

Lucky there 's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He 's a family guy

Hi. Package for Brian Griffin.

Oh, I can sign for that. Package, Bri.



Wonder what this is.

It's my book.

And there's a note from my publisher.

"We are returning all of the unsold copies

"of Faster Than the Speed of Love. "

You guys got a garage or something?

We got Iike 300 boxes of these things.

Wow, that's a Iot of boxes!.

This is so weird.

Look what they used to pack your book in.

Shredded-up pieces of your book.

Okay, that's it, I'm finished.

What are you talking about?

I'm finished. I'm done. It's over.



CIearly, I am not meant to be a writer.

I have tried and I have tried,
and nothing has worked out.

I put my heart out there,
and it keeps getting stomped on.

Well, that's it, no more.

I'm done writing.

What? Writing's the only thing

that's giving your alcoholism
any credibility.

Hey, you know, I just thought
of something. Hold on a sec.

I bought a vase Iast week
and it's still in the box,

and I just want to check to see
what they used to pack it...

Ah! It's your book!

Oh, my God,
this gets me so angry!

This ticks me off, so much!

Jeez.

Oh, man!

-What? What is it?
-Look at this.

The number-one book
on The New York Times bestseller Iist

is Dream Your Way to Spiritual Joy
by Pauly Shore.

This is why nobody bought my damn book.

You know, this is what they want.
The Secret.

Chicken Soup for the Soul.
The Purpose Driven Life.

I tell you, I could crap one
of those things out in a night.

I'm gonna tell Mom you said "crap."

No, I mean it. I could do it in three hours
and idiots everywhere would buy it.

Well, why don't you?

Believe me, I would Iove to,
just to make a point,

but I've given up writing.

Yes, but you cared about
what you wrote before.

You don't care about this,
so what does it matter?

Well, you do have a point.

AII right. Maybe I will.

Oh, how fun. Can I watch you write it?

I don't know, Stewie.
I kind of Iike to write in solitude.

No, no, I promise
I'II be as quiet as a guy in a coma.

Ah! This is great.

I can finally be alone
with my thoughts.

Wait, I've got it. Predator Versus Batman.

Why has no one done this?
I need a pen. Where 's a pen?

Oh, right, I can 't move.
That's okay, I'll remember it.

I mean, I can 't forget a
million-dollar idea like that.

It's even better than the one
yesterday about the guys who...

Wait, I mean, the woman with the...

What was it?
Was she a shape-shifter?

Damn it, I just had it. All right, calm down.

At least you've still
gotBatman and the...

It was Batman Meets...

You got to be kidding me,
I just had it.

What was it, Batman Has a Son?

No, no, you fucking idiot.
No wonder your wife shot you.

And done.

There it is, Stewie.

Three hours, 27 minutes,
and I've got myself

one big steaming pile of book.

-You want to hear it?
-Definitely! What are you calling it?

-Wish lt. Want lt. Do lt.
-Love it.

Thanks. Okay.
"Chapter One: Wish it.

"What are all the things
you want most in the world?

"Use the following blank pages

"to write down all of your
dreams and desires."

-Brilliant. Make them do the work.
-Yeah, why not?

You know, if people want crap,
I'II give them crap.

And, you know, I have a friend

who might be able to help
get this published.

Wait, you have a friend
in publishing

and you never told me before?

-He's kind of a new friend.
-Who is he?

Yeah, I don't know if you
want to start digging around in this area.

Let's just Ieave it at,
"He's a friend in publishing

"and he calls on Thursdays."

Hey, Brian, when you're done,
can I make a pirate hat?

Here, just take it.

I Iook wesome.

AII right, I got to go to a wedding.

I'II see you Iater.

Oh, my God, that is fantastic news!

I can't wait to tell him!

I know, I told you
the book was good.

Yeah, thank you so much, Don.

Um...

Red overalls, a yellow shirt underneath.

I don't really have
time to do this right now.

Brian, they're publishing your book.

You're kidding? I can't believe it.

That's the worst thing I've ever written.

Not according to Penguin Publishing.

In fact, you're supposed
to call the chief editor.

Penguin Publishing.

One moment, please.

Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the Iine...

Out. Get out! Get out now!

AII right, everyone,
I made a very special breakfast

to celebrate Brian's book coming out.

And... And...

It's a special breakfast for me, too, right?

Why?

Because... Because it is the anniversary
of when I started to eat vegetables.

Author! Author!

And Peter for eating healthy.

Lois, you didn't have
to go through all this fuss.

What you got there?

This? It's just a copy of Us magazine.

Can you believe it?
Wish lt. Want lt. Do lt. got three stars.

How hilarious is that?

It's not hilarious. It's great, Brian.
That's a huge accomplishment.

Well, I helped get the review in.

I called a friend over at Us Weekly

who usually just covers people
with gross amounts of children,

but now he's the book reviewer.

So hats off to both of us.

Well, nice going, Stewie.
You ought to be my publicist.

You know, I don't want you
to be offering me this

just because we're related.

I do have references you can call.

You know, I spent a month

as Melanie Griffith's Ioose skin holder.

-Melanie!
-Melanie! Over here.

You Iook beautiful.

Can't hold on much Ionger.

I should have stayed in bed.

Yeah, we're walking in now.

Make sure Tom Tucker knows
he has 20 minutes

and he is to only talk about the book,
no personal questions, all right?

Are you okay? You good?
You need anything? AII right.

AII right, we're inside
and there is nobody here to greet us.

We have no idea where we are
or where we're supposed to go.

Wait, is that you on the phone over there?

Is this... This is us. Look over here.

There we go. He sees us. AII right.

Hi, thanks for coming.

Yeah, hello, we've been here awhile.

Come on, I'II show you the green room.

And Mr. Griffin, I just have to say,
I Ioved your book.

Well, thanks. What's your name?

-Sharhooz.
-Oh, my God.

It'II just be a few minutes.

Excuse me, there's something on the wall.

Now you have exactly 20 seconds
to find us a room

with a white sofa, a white table,
white hydrangeas and Fiji water!

Stewie, there's no need to...

Ooh! I said no gray M&M's.
These are all gray.

Don't worry, Brian.
I've got it all under control.

You're a big canine star.

They should be treating
you Iike Spuds MacKenzie.

Man, I wonder what he's doing now.

Now, Iadies, approach him slowly.
He can't really see anymore.

I've injected him with the Viagra.

Now, I'm gonna roll him on his back,

but you're pretty much gonna
have to do 100% of the work.

We're here with Brian Griffin,

Iocal author of the new bestseller
Wish lt. Want lt. Do lt.

Am I pronouncing that correctly?

Uh... Y eah.

Now, what does that mean,
Wish lt. Want lt. Do lt?

Well, it basically just refers
to the steps necessary

for identifying and achieving
your dreams and doing so

in as effective and expeditious
a manner as possible.

Wow. And it's nonfiction, right?

Yes, it is.

Now, which one is that? I always forget.

Is that the one that really happened or not?

Uh... Yeah.

Okay. So now...
So this is... This is a true story.

Well, it's not really a narrative...

Doesn't matter. I'm hooked.

And we'II be right back with sports.

Okay, you're doing great so far.

Now I was just texting with New York.

We're doing a whole thing there.

I booked your plane ticket,
and I specifically asked

that you not sit next to an Asian.

Stewie, that's racist. That's terrible.

I'm sorry, do you want me
to call back and change it?

Well, it's done now.
Seems Iike a Iot of extra work.

Okay, there's a book signing

at the Barnes and Noble
on Union Square at 5:00.

And then at 7:00 you're
meeting with a reporter

from In Style magazine at Pastis.

I just want to warn you, she's very heavy.

So be prepared for that.

-Jeez, how heavy?
-I don't know, but apparently heavy enough

that they felt they needed to warn me.

Oh, Iook at this.
Your book is number three on Amazon.

Number three?

Well, who's number one?

It's that new biography
on Michael Jackson.

Come on, another one?

Unless it was written
by a 10-year-old's rectum, who cares?

It doesn't say who the author is, Brian,

but I would guess
that it's probably not that.

Well, Stewie, I can't tell you

how much I appreciate all you're doing.

I mean, I have been so
happy with most everything.

Oh... Most?

Yeah, don't even...
It's so tiny, those other things,

it's not even worth...
Oh, my God, you're amazing.

I've been so thrilled with how you're doing.

-Great.
-Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, checking in. Brian Griffin.

You should usually do that.

You should check me in.

That's Iike one of the things
I was talking about.

I just have to tell you,
I Ioved your book, Mr. Griffin.

Thank you so much. You made my day.

So, you still in school?

Graduating this year.

Well, we'II have to celebrate while I'm here.

Okay, well,
I'II be right back with your key.

She's so pretty, isn't she?

Yeah, you know.

-Do you think she Iiked me?
-I don't know.

How weird would it be
if she just showed up at my room Iater?

Pretty weird, I guess.

Oh, my God, were you...
Were you thinking of doing that?

Sending her to my room?

No, why?

Why? Were you thinking of me doing that?

I don't even know
what you're saying anymore, man.

Just do whatever you're thinking.

Man, crazy.

Hi, I just want to say that I can't tell you

how much your book has helped me.

Uh-huh. What's your name?

It's Jan.

Okay, here you go, Dan.

Yeah, it's Jan.

Back ofthe Iine. Go on.

Come back around, he'II try it again.

Hi. Can you make it out to Kelly?

Well, hi there. I sure can.

You know, I have to tell you,

Wish lt. Want lt. Do lt.
totally changed my Iife.

Well, you know,
that's what I set out to do with this book,

so, you know, I got to tell you,
that makes me feel pretty great.

This is just a phone number.

I know, I know, my phone number.

Oh.

Yeah.

-What do you think of that?
-Um... I'm not sure.

-Well, you know, I'm sure for you.
-Oh.

-Yeah.
-I see.

Yeah.

I'm a Iittle creeped out.

Hey, congratulations,
somebody famous now hates you.

Okay, so, that's enough autographs, I think.

Listen, I want to thank
you all for coming down.

And remember,
wish it, want it, buy it. AII right.

Brian, settle down.

You're worse than that guy
from Penguin Publishing.

You want to get a book
published, don't you?

Well, yes.

Well, if you want to be in black and white,

black and white's got to be in you.

God, you know, Stewie,

I used to think that
John Lennon was kind of a jerk

for saying The Beatles
were bigger than Jesus,

but now, I mean, it's Iike,
I'm not saying I am, but I get it.

You know, now that we have two minutes
to kind of Iet the dust settle,

I just want to say
that I'm really proud of you.

Hey, I'm proud of myself, man.

I mean, I think it's Iike...

You know,
I think everybody has greatness in them,

but it's really about having the courage
to just kind of get inside your own head

and just kind of poke around
in there, you know, and be Iike,

"Hey, oh, my gosh, what's under here?

"Hey, what do you call yourself?"

"Oh! Wisdom."

"Oh! Profundity."

"Oh! Truth."

"Hey, Iet's all just go hang out together
between the covers of a book."

I Iove hearing about your process.

Hey, enough about me.
This was a great meal.

Good, good, I'm glad you Iike it.

They told me everybody comes here.

Hey, there's Ren?e Zellweger.

Hey, Ren?e, how you doing?

Hey, Brian!

This is my agent, Richard.

Hey, good to meet you. How's Bradley?

Ren?e dates Bradley Cooper.

Really great. He's really found
his niche, you know.

He's really got the cheap, forgettable
Iead thing down, which is great.

That's fantastic, 'cause, you know,
I might bankroll this comedy,

and we need somebody who's not
that funny and not that good Iooking,

and that you forget about,
the second you Ieave the theater.

I think Bradley would be perfect for that!

Are you sure? Because we really need
somebody who constantly seems

Iike they're about to be big,

but keeps not actually being big.

Well, he'd really want to see the script,
but I mean, that's what Bradley does.

I don't know, we really need somebody,
who has not been the best thing

in anything he's ever been in, ever.

I mean the kind of guy
who can get overshadowed

by Zach Galifianakis or Ed Helms.

Well, of course, I can't speak for Bradley,
but I really think

he'd want to be considered for this.

Y eah, the thing is, for this roll, we need
a guy who has all the characteristics

that you would describe as handsome,
but who is not actually handsome himself!

Well, again, only Brad can speak for Brad,
but this seems right for him.

Yeah, I think he'd be right, too.
The problem is, we'd Iike to find an actor

who has been given a Iot of chances
to shine,

but who has never actually shined.

Not one single time!

Well, I think he'd be... I got to get back
to my dinner here,

but I think he'd be perfect! And I really
hope you keep Bradley Cooper in mind.

AII right, well, we got to go.

Hey.

They seemed really nice.

Get over here!

Is everything okay?

No, everything is not okay.

Can you figure out what the problem is?

I don't... I honestly have no...
Oh, God!

How do you think I feel
walking out of the back room

of a restaurant and seeing
Ren?e Zellweger eating

in the front room of that restaurant?

I am mortified.

Absolutely mortified!

You should know better than this!

I told them who you were
when I made the reservation!

Look, I have written
a best-selling phenomenon!

I should be sitting in
the front goddamn room!

Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.

And I just want you to know
that my only goal is

to be able to help you better.

And you being honest with me,

well, that's helping me do that.

So thank you.

Good.

Brian, are you going
straight back to the hotel?

'Cause I was gonna go back...

You know what, I'II just...
I'II take a cab.

Oh.

Well, at Ieast it's not raining.

Hey, Brian, welcome home!

How was your book signing?

Jeez, Lois, could I have, Iike,
five minutes to decompress, please?

It was a really horrible flight,

and I was sitting next
to a Japanese guy who had a cold.

I swear, Rupert,
Brian has become a monster!

That trip was sheer hell.

It was even worse
than visiting my Russian grandma.

Come here, babupka.
Let me put your fingers in my mouth.

I want to press my cold, Ioose face
onto your warm, tight face

and breathe meat into your nose.

But now, I wrap you in sticky towel
and Iay you in bucket of beet juice.

Now I put herring in bucket with you,
so you have friend.

You know what? I bet my ways
would seem just as foreign to you.

Stewie,
I got a flea thing going on in here!

Where the hell's my Frontline?

Oh, my God! Brian! Brian!

Brian, Iook at this!

I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher!

You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie!

Great job!

"Great job," so you know that phrase.

-What's that?
-What?

What phrase do I know?

Bill Maher! Whoo!

Okay, so the topic is going to be,

"Should God play a role in politics?"

Oh, and here's your heartworm pill
wrapped in baloney.

Stewie, the point of the baloney is

that I don't know the pill is there.

Why am I standing under an air vent?

Um... Because...

-Because that's where...
-"Because that's where..."

-I...
-"I..."

-Because...
-"Because..."

-Well...
-"Well..."

-I can...
-"I can..."

-You...
-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, Mr. Griffin,
we'II be ready in five minutes.

You'II be on the panel
with Arianna Huffington and Dana Gould.

Wait, wait.

My publicist told me Christopher Hitchens
would be on the panel.

No, we told him
Dana and Arianna two hours ago.

I did my prep research on
Christopher Hitchens.

-I am so sorry.
-I am done with you.

Do you hear me? Done!
Get out of here now!

-Brian, please.
-You're fired!

Yes, but I think the more
important question

that sometimes gets ignored

is what about the separation
of church and state?

Well, Bill, see, I think...

Actually, Dana, if I may, if I may,
I have some insight on this.

Bill, do you mind?

Go, dog.

Well, it just so happens
that separation of church and state

is something I'm actually gonna cover
in my next book, God. Period. Damn it.

What does that mean?

Well, if I can expand on this.

For one thing,
"In God we trust" is on money.

Now, what does that tell you?

Tells me Americans will get all Christ-y
about any sort of stupid shit.

So what?

I think what's actually alarming
is the fact that

all this kind of pseudo-spirituality

is being peddled to the American people

in books that have, really, Iess substance
than an issue of TV Guide.

That's a good argument.
It's a very good argument.

I agree. I agree.

Really? Because I read
Wish lt. Want lt. Do lt.

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed!

Gosh, next thing you know,
both of you guys are gonna tell me

that it changed your Iives.

Uh...

Yeah, I didn't read it.

Hey, so you're the guy.

It's actually...
It's actually very popular.

Well, it may be popular,
but I have to say I agree with Arianna.

I think it's actually quite harmful.

Did you... When did you say that?

I just did.

I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds

Iike you're talking with a mouthful of syrup,

I just didn't get it.

Hey, fuck you, man.

Actually, I mean, it seems
that these sort of books

tend to pander
to the Iaziest kind of self-help

within the narrowest socioeconomic range.

I mean, yeah, you can wish it,
and you can do it,

but only if you have
the educational advantages,

the societal advantages that, Iike, what,

5% of the country has.

Well, yeah, you forgot "want it,"
which is such a big part of the book.

I mean, but you know, then again,

you just said you haven't read it,
so, you know...

Actually, since I said that, I did read it.

And that's another thing, I have to say,

aren't "wish it" and "want it"
really the same thing?

I mean, your book

basically makes three points,

and two of them are the same point.

Well, you know, I mean,
it does seem to be helping

a Iot of people, Bill.

Well, "help" is a strong word.

How does this help people, Iike,
with cancer or in Darfur?

Well, I mean, it's not really for them.

It's for, Iike, if you want a car.

How does this help you get a car?

Well, I mean, it doesn't with that attitude.

I mean, you have...

You have to do some of the work yourself.

That's why there are 50 blank pages.

That's why I keep it by the phone.

I think what this is, is simple exploitation

of the American people
who could be using the money

that they spend to buy this book
to actually buy something useful,

Iike Iegitimate healthcare
that they actually need.

You know, what the hell's
your problem, Zsa Zsa?

What is your problem, Snoopy?

Look, what it comes down to is that
these false promises of, Iike,

a quick fix to any and any problem
that you would ever have,

what books Iike these suggest
is actually damaging

to a Iarge, gullible segment
of the population.

Yeah, aren't you a sitcom writer?

I'm an author.
I have contributed to the zeitgeist.

Do you even know what "zeitgeist" means?

If I didn't know what it meant,
I wouldn't use it, Dana,

which is a girl's name, and I'm...

And you know,

I'm not gonna give you...
I'm not gonna give you

the definition right now just
for your satisfaction.

You know, Brian, I don't think
you're in a position, really,

here to pull rank on anybody.

I mean, yes, Dana has made
a career in comedy.

I don't think he's ever done anything
as Iaughable as this book.

Look, all right, well...

What do you want? I wrote it in a day.

Listen, Bill, I am such a big fan of yours.

I think you're totally getting
the wrong impression of me.

I was just trying to write
something that would sell.

I think it's crap, too.

Wow. If I had even one shred

of respect for you before this,
it's gone now.

I mean, if you're gonna
take a dump on people,

the kind of steaming, stinking,
smelly dump

that your kind traffics in,

at Ieast stand by your dump.

Okay, Iook, I'm happy to do that.

I'm just... I'm just...

Look, what I was saying...

Look, just tell me
what you want me to say!

Bill, he's urinating!

-Oh, shit!
-That's it!

-Look, Bill, can I just...
-Outside.

No, no, no, outside! Outside now!

Outside! You get outside!

Knock-knock.

Hey, Stewie.

What do you want?

I just want to talk to you about
everything that happened.

Um...

You know, you were the only person
who believed in me when I was down.

This all happened so fast,
and I Iost sight of who I was.

I mean, you know, sure,

you were in a Iittle over your head, but...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I was in over my head?

Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about
all the things you did wrong.

It's about me apologizing.

Okay, then apologize.

-I just did.
-No, you didn't.

You just said it's about me apologizing.

That's not actually apologizing.

AII right, Stewie, I'm sorry

that I made you uncomfortable
and put you in a situation

that you clearly couldn't handle.

Okay, okay, there it is again.

What the hell? Stop with that!

You're right. You're right.
This is about healing.

This is not about how many things
you messed up along the way.

It's about how badly I reacted to them.

So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted
to your many errors.

That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it?

-Pretty much.
-You can't write.

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