Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 9 - Business Guy - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is violence in movies and sex on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry. ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Oh, uh, it sure was nice of you
to invite us out on your yacht, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
It's not a boat, it's a yacht.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said it was a boat.
Wow, it's beautiful down there.
I just can't believe it really looks like this.
Boy, the fish tank at day care
really nailed it.
Lois, are you feeling all right?
I'm just a little seasick, that's all.
Oh, my God!
Oh, Brian's eatin' it.
Boy, that's a lot of puke, Lois.
I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party.
Your what?
- My bachelor party. - What's that?
- You don't know what a bachelor party is? - No!
When you got married, didn't you have,
- like, a bachelor party with all your friends? - My what?
Oh, my God, well, we are gonna fix that.
Carter, I am gonna throw you
the best bachelor party ever!
- Why would you do that? - 'Cause I'm your pal
and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper.
Hey there, Peter.
How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger
and make a delicious meal for the whole family?
- Sure! - Okay, then let's...
Hold on there, Peter!
I've got something even better!
- Oh, really? - You bet.
How would you like to take a half pound of hamburger
and make a delicious meal for the whole family...
with cheese?
What?
Wha... I... I don't...
I... I could just take cheese
and put it on the thing he's doing.
No! It won't be the same!
Look, he's my brother.
He didn't get enough oxygen at birth.
He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us
and this is sort of my way of taking care of him.
Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler
when it was just you and me doing our thing.
I know, but just let him have this one.
Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food.
Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on.
Yay!
Cheese, cheese, cheese!
Yay!
I'm so sorry for your burden.
You're a good brother.
So what do you think, Carter? You having a good time?
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself.
I'm very uncomfortable.
Why don't you get a lap dance, Mr. Pewterschmidt?
No, Peter's crippled friend, I think I'm just gonna leave.
This was a stupid idea.
Aw, come on, you just gotta relax and cut loose.
Like those foreign guys over there.
I can't believe I'm back at the horse.
I had many drinks last night
and I was so hung out this morning.
Aw, me, too, friend.
I was blowing chinks like crazy.
Boy, this is fun, huh?
Except for the fact we gotta sit next to that woman
who came with her co-workers.
Huh, aren't we all pals?
I work at the office.
This is empowering.
Maybe I'll get a dance, huh?
You guys are probably gonna be talking about this forever.
A woman who's so cool with all of this?
Jackpot!
All right, there's a cute-looking one.
Excuse me, miss?
This older gentleman would like a lap dance.
What am I supposed to do?
Nothing. You just sit there and enjoy yourself.
Do I, do I stick the money directly inside of her?
No, you do not.
Why, have you done that before?
- Doesn't go over. - When do I hit her?
Oh, for crying out loud, just drink this.
And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life.
♪ ♪
Yeah!
- All right, go, Carter! - All right!
Get some! Get some!
Hey, Joe, that's like right in my (bleep) ear.
Stop it! Peter, I... I...
Whoa!
Boy, she's bendy!
wow! Y... yes!
Oh! Awesome!
All right! Oh!
Oh, my God! What's happening to him?
I'm having a heart attack... ack... ack... ack... ack... ack!
You ought to know by now!
Oh, my God!
Is my father gonna be okay, Dr. House?
He's in a coma, Mrs. Griffin.
And listening to the sound of your voice,
I'd say he's the lucky one.
Oh, dear, I do hope there's something to be done.
Dr. House, if you're gonna save this patient,
you'll need this.
Get this thing outta my sight!
But wait a second!
How are you gonna play by the rules
if you don't have the rule boo... oh...!
My methods are a little unorthodox, Mr. Griffin.
I think I can help.
- What are you doing? - My job.
Sometimes people fake being in a coma.
This man's not.
Unless of course, the first punch knocked him out.
In which case, we won't know for some time.
- House. - Road House.
That, too.
Any word on Carter's condition yet?
No, it's been three days
and I'm really starting to get worried.
What if he's in a coma for, like, twenty years
and he comes out of the coma and you guys are all dead,
but I'm still alive and I'm a famous race car driver,
and he's like "Aw, man, Stewie turned out awesome."
And he comes to one of my races
and I'm so surprised to see him there, I crash,
and then I'm in a coma for twenty years,
and I wake up and he's a race car driver.
Stewie, do you want to be a race car driver when you grow up?
Well, gosh, if you think I'd be good at it.
Hello, Mrs. Griffin,
I'm Kenneth Gould, Mr. Pewterschmidt's attorney.
I'd like to talk to you about a few things.
As part of Mr. Pewterschmidt's estate planning,
he has left video wills
applicable to a wide variety of situations.
Hello, if you're watching this,
it means they didn't cut the rope when I climaxed.
As a result, I'm now dead.
That's not it.
If you're watching this one,
it means the train wasn't able to push the Delorean
up to 88 miles per hour and I'm still stuck in 1885.
This could take a while.
...eaten by sharks while snorkeling...
...stabbed to death in a Toys-R-Us bathroom.
...1940s roller skate left in the hall.
Death by chocolate.
No, no, leave it in.
...had a heart attack and have slipped into a coma.
Here we go.
In that case, I leave control of my company,
Pewterschmidt Industries, to my daughter Lois.
What?!
I don't know the first thing
about running a billion-dollar company.
The board of directors is fully prepared
to run the company in Carter's absence,
if that's what you'd prefer, Mrs. Griffin.
Well, yes, I think that'd be best.
Well, now wait a second, Lois.
- I could run the company. - You?
You can't run a business that size.
You have no experience.
You know what that is, Lois?
That's you playing by the rule book.
And I don't play by the rule book.
- Right, Dr. House? - Well, don't ask me.
My superiors think I'm crazy.
Scared ya, didn't I?
- House. - House.
And I'm gonna run the company.
Well, Lois, I'm off to my first day
as a corporate bigwig.
I'm not so sure about this, Peter.
I mean, that's Daddy's company.
He spent his whole life building it from the ground up.
And you don't know anything about running a big business.
Whoa, whoa, thanks for the vote of confidence.
Geez, you're a bigger downer than a German bedtime story.
And in addition,
Pewterschmidt Industries' pharmaceutical division
is up over 30%,
profits in new media have doubled each quarter
over the past year, and our stock is at an all-time high.
All right, stand aside.
I'll take it from here.
Good afternoon, gentlemen,
my name is Peter Griffin.
I will be running the company from hence here forth.
Now, I want you all to lay some business talk on me.
I need ideas.
What can we do to make this quarter more quarterly?
Well, come on, come on.
Okay, I can see I'm gonna have to get things rollin'.
All right, we're gonna do an exercise called the idea ball.
I'm gonna toss a ball to one of you,
and whoever catches it, throw out the first idea you got,
then pass the ball to the next guy,
and he throws out an idea and so on. Everybody clear?
Yeah.
All right, here we go.
All right, Abrams, whaddaya got?
My lung's collapsing.
You know what I'm hearin', gentlemen?
What's the best way to put this?
What I'm hearing...
What I'm hearin' is a lot of yesterday talk.
This isn't the way we're gonna do things under my leadership.
We are gonna turn this company around.
But, sir, the company's doing fine.
Better than ever, in fact.
Mr. Pewterschmidt would...
I don't care what Mr. Pewterschmidt would have done.
We need to take risks.
We need a complete overhaul.
Gentlemen, you're all fired.
What?!
There, now that I've got your attention...
you're all fired.
Peter, what the hell is going on?
You fired everybody at Daddy's company?!
- You bet. - Are you outta your mind?!
Keep it up, Lois, I might fire you.
You wouldn't.
Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you?
Okay, I'll behave.
Yes, you will.
Look, Peter, all I'm saying is,
those guys have been with Daddy for years.
How are you supposed to run that company without them?
That's it, Lois, you're fired.
Chris, you are now Meg's mother.
Ooh, Peter, your muscles are so muscley.
I am gonna plow you so gross later.
You are a team of executives I can trust.
Brian, Quagmire, Mort,
you are gonna be my creative team.
You are gonna help me lead this company into the future.
Peter, we don't know anything more than you do
about running a company.
Hey, where's Joe?
I think he's still outside.
Hey, Joe! What're you doin' down there?!
There's no ramp!
I can't get inside!
Well, we don't need him anyway.
This company's gonna make it on my ideas.
Here are the products we'll be unveiling
in the new fiscal year.
The African American heart monitor.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Aw, he dead.
Jeremy Irons cereal.
If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none.
It's quite bland, I assure you.
And scream in a box.
I needed that today.
And now, new lady scream in a box.
Finally, a scream that's right for me.
Well, it's good to see everyone's adapting
to their new business roles.
Brian, I like your successories.
I will.
I will go get it.
Mr. Quagmire, the Davidson account is waiting for you
in the conference room.
All right, thanks, Marlene.
Tell 'em I'll be right in.
All right, Glenn, time to go make millions.
What happened to you, man?
I grew up! That's what happened!
What happened to the free-loving Quagmire
Who was banging ten chicks at a time?
I still do that.
- Oh. Good. - Yup.
Can I have some money?
Oh, get out of here, you bum.
Ah, all right.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
He's a'ight.
Daddy, you're awake!
Oh, Carter, I'm so relieved.
What happened?
Where am I?
Oh, you had a heart attack, Daddy,
But you're all right now.
Yeah, he cool.
What the hell is that?!
Oh, it's an African American heart monitor
made by your company.
What?!
Yes, it has two settings... Barry White and Bill Cosby.
Beep. Beep. Boop. Beep.
My company makes no such thing.
Well, you see, Daddy, when you were in a coma,
Peter stepped in and took charge of Pewterschmidt Industries.
Zibida, zoobida, gebada, bopada, zipity, ziggita,
sagata, boopada, bopada, ghost dad!
Well, you made it, Peter.
You're a big shot.
In charge of a whole bunch of people.
Peggy, hold my calls for a few minutes, please.
Yes, Mr. Griffin.
Well, buddy, you're in love with Peggy.
What a mess.
Griffin! Get the hell out of my building!
Holy crap, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're okay!
You're damn right I'm okay,
and I'm here to reassume charge of my company.
Maybe I don't want to leave.
Maybe I like being a fat cat.
What are you saying?
I'm saying it's my company now,
and it's better than it ever was when you were running it.
Security, we have a situation in the conference room.
I'll give you a situation, you fat turd.
Gentlemen, please remove this man from the building.
What th...? I'm Carter Pewterschmidt!
This is my company!
Throw that guy out!
Sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
but we work for Mr. Griffin now.
You can't do this to me!
Do you know who I am?!
I'm Carter Pewterschmidt!
I'm not getting in that elevator!
Don't you dare throw me out of this lobby!
Don't you... Damn it!
Hey, what are you doing out here?
I can't get in the building!
Uh, Peggy?
Yes, Mr. Griffin.
That fart I have at 3:00... can you push that up to now?
Very good, sir.
Lois, how could you let your idiot husband
take over my company?
He fired all my staff,
his stupid ideas are bankrupting Pewterschmidt Industries,
and now he won't step down!
I know, Daddy.
He's become so full of himself.
He's more annoying than when he's making his Christmas list.
Now, Peter, are you sure this is all you want for Christmas?
I'm only going to the mall once.
Yeah, yeah, that's it.
All new this Christmas... remote control cars...
that glow in the dark?!
Get that!
I've run that company for fourty years.
He even froze my corporate bank accounts.
I'm broke.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I'll talk to him as soon as he gets home.
What the hell is that?!
Damn it, Peter!
Your plane set my lawn on fire!
Here, that ought to cover it.
Peter, I don't want your money!
Well, fine, then, have a box of Jeremy Irons cereal.
If you're looking for a prize at the bottom, there is none.
Only more cardboard.
Peter, this has gone on long enough.
I want you to make things right with Daddy.
It's his company.
It's my company.
It's your company.
Three's Company.
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his.
- What? - I'm sorry, Lois.
We all had some pot brownies on the plane.
Hey, Peter, are you seeing this rabbit?
No.
Well, I sure am.
You know something?
You're not qualified to sit in that chair.
Oh, aren't I?
Maybe there's a rabbit head under here.
Peter, all of my father's assets are tied up in that corporation.
If you freeze up his money,
he's not gonna have anything to live on.
Now you are gonna make amends with Daddy, and that's final.
All right, Lois, if that's what you want.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, be in my office tomorrow morning at 9:00.
I'm sure we can figure something out.
Hmm... I don't know if I like the sound of that laugh.
I knew I didn't like the sound of that laugh.
Peter, this is unacceptable.
What gives you the right to treat me like this?
You've been treating me like crap
for twenty years, Mr. Pewterschmidt, and now I'm the one in charge.
Hang on a second.
Clean that up.
Carter, as your boss,
I command you to have a viewing party
for tonight's episode of The Big Bang Theory,
and you have to go cubicle to cubicle inviting people.
Aw, come on, Peter, I'm not... I'm not good with rejection.
I'm your boss. Now do it!
Hi. I was gonna catch The Big Bang Theory tonight,
and wondered if you wanted to come over and watch.
Wha... What? What is that?
It's a comedy. It's on CBS.
I'm really into it.
I don't want to watch that.
I don't want to watch it with you.
All right, if you change your mind, here's a flyer.
If you do decide to come,
I'm just asking that you bring an appetizer.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
See, Peter, I told you, no one wants to come.
- This is awful. - You're not off the hook.
You still got to have that party.
Babs, you want to sit and watch...?
No.
I'll have you know that I can bench press
over 690 billion nanograms.
Sheldon, that's less than two pounds.
It sounded better the way I said it.
Oh, when I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people...
people... people are gonna be sorry they didn't come.
They're... they're gonna... this... this was...
this... this was a good night.
Carter, as your boss, I'm ordering you
to pay a compliment to this sharply-dressed Asian man.
You look very nice.
What else?
- Uh... - What about my shoe?
They're nice, too.
How you think my house smell?
Not oniony?
You good man.
I pat you on the head and feed you from the hand.
And then he made me clean out the fridge
in the employee lounge, and the employees were mad at me
Because I... I threw out food that they still wanted.
I don't know what's in there!
Oh, that's it.
Peter is completely out of control.
We've got to do something to take him down
and get your company back.
Right, right. But how?
In order to oust an idiot,
we've got to think like an idiot.
Let's see.
What's Peter's weakness?
He's got to have a weakness.
Swamp monsters.
Swamp monsters, of course!
Lois, what are you doing here?
Oh, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.
Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be?
Oh, you know, that whole swamp monster story.
Swamp monster?
- You haven't heard? - Heard what?
Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.
It's just, apparently,
somebody flushed a baby swamp monster
down the toilet somewhere, not far from here.
What?! Who would flush a baby swamp monster?
Don't they know what would happen?
Well, apparently, it has happened.
And now it's grown up
and is attacking important businessmen.
I'm an important businessman!
What the hell was that?!
It sounds like maybe a swamp monster
who needs to project a little more.
Ah, crap!
Aah! A swamp monster!
Quick, Peter, sign this legal document
giving the company back to Daddy so you won't get eaten!
Oh, I don't understand, but nothing makes sense
in these swamp monster times.
We did it, Daddy.
I have my husband back, and you have your company.
Sorry I'm late, Lois.
Okay, are we doing the swamp monster thing?
Wait, if you're Daddy, then who...?
S... s... s... s... s... s... s... Swamp monster!
Now let's find out who you really are.
Dr. House?!
Indeed, Lois.
And if you don't mind, I'll address you
in my natural speaking voice,
as I've grown so weary of doing an American accent.
Do you want to come
to my Big Bang viewing party next week?
Daddy, you don't have to do that anymore.
I know, I know. I... I... I like it now.
Well, I'm sorry you lost the company, Peter,
but I think it's for the best.
You were turning into a real jerk.
Well, maybe so.
But I sure am gonna miss being a corporate big shot.
Well, you'll always be a big shot in this family, sweetheart.
Thanks, honey.
And I got a little surprise for you.
In that contract you signed,
you got to keep the corporate plane.
Yeah!
Peter, how are you doing that?
I... I don't... I don't know, Lois.
I'm scared.
Well, come down.
I can't. I... I... Get help.
Call somebody.
Wh... wh... who do I call?
I... I don't know. A police... a fireman... a scientist!
Call a scientist!
Okay, you kids stay here with your father.
I'm gonna go find a scientist.
Am I gonna die?