Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 15 - Brian Griffin's House of Payne - full transcript

Family Guy - 8x15
Brian Griffin's House of Payne

Fully eight months
on patrol and nothin'.

You know, Rupert, I miss
the Earth so much.

I miss my wife.

It's lonely out in space...

Uh-oh, Rupert,
we've got company,

and I don't think
it's the Avon lady.

Strap yourself in.

No matter what happens,

it's been a privilege
to serve under you.

Don't relax yet, Rupert,



those fighters had to have
been coming from somewhere.

Oh, my God.

Wait a minute, Rupert,

there's a weapons
systems cooling duct

on the far side
of the hull.

If we can get just
one good shot at it,

we can blow that fat
bastard out of the cosmos.

Uh-oh, Rupert, our
main blasters are gone.

Looks like this is
a suicide mission.

Got you! Got you! Got you!
Got you! Got you!

Stewie, get lost. Daddy's
trying to watch the ball game.

You can't talk. I've knocked
out your communication systems.

Hey, hey, look, Stewie,

Rupert wants to go play
down in the basement.



Hey, hey, Stewie,

I'm gonna go play
down in the basement.

Here I go. ♪
Do-do-do-do-do. ♪

What? Why, Rupert?

Why do you want to play
in the basement?

I don't know,
I just feel like

there might be some
fun stuff down there.

I'm not following
your logic.

And why are you talking
different than usual?

Here I go.

Rupert, get back here.

Rupert?

Oh, there you are.

Wow, look at all
the old stuff down here.

Hello, what's this?

"What I Learned
on Jefferson Street.

Written by H.
Brian Griffin."

Oh, yes.

What's this?

What the hell...

Where the hell
did this come from?

What is it, Brian?

It's the first thing
I ever wrote.

It's a script for a
television show, a drama.

I had an idea
for a script once.

It's basically Jaws, except
when the guys in the boat

are going after Jaws,

they look around and there's
an even bigger Jaws,

so the guys have to team up
with Jaws to get bigger Jaws.

I call it Big Jaws.

God, I haven't looked
at this in years.

I don't even remember
if it's any good or not.

Oh, wait a minute.

Yeah, yeah, this is all
coming back to me.

You know, this is actually
not too bad a piece of work.

This was... this was kind
of deep as I recall.

You know, Lois, you-you
might actually be interested

in reading this.

You-you...
you might actually...

You-you might like this.

You should look at it.

All right, damn it!

So, have you read
the script yet?

Oh, I'm sorry, Brian,
I haven't gotten around to it.

Why not now, you know?

Just get it
off your plate.

Oh, gosh, you know what?

I don't even know what I did
with the copy that you ga...

Oh, there it is.

Hey, you know what else
would be great?

Why-why don't you put check
marks next to scenes you like?

Well, I don't have a...
Here's a pen.

You know, I'll-I'll just
leave it for you right here.

Okay. Thank you, Brian.

Hey, you know what I'll do
to make it even easier?

I'll just go ahead and
place this in your hand.

There we are.

And now when you go, "Oh,
where's that crazy pen?"

Well, there it is.

It's in your hand.

Brian, I'm not gonna read this
with you standing here.

Oh, it's okay,
I don't mind.

Go for a ride in the car?

Come on!

Why the hell's it taking her
so long to read that thing?

I don't know, I saw
her giving Joe notes

on his pilot this morning.

What?

Brian, your script...

It was enchanting.

This Brian Griffin-

I've never met this
Brian Griffin.

I would have told you
last night,

but I was 100% sure
you ripped it off.

But after spending
the last 18 hours

on the Internet
and in libraries

trying to find traces
of it somewhere,

I couldn't find a thing.

Well, I-I'm... I'm
so happy you liked it.

Look, I don't want
to get your hopes up,

but Daddy's got some
connections over at CBS,

and I think he could
help you get this on TV.

That's amazing,
Lois! Thank you!

Oh, I am very
proud of you.

My God, a TV pilot.

Wow, Brian, you must
feel like Hitler did

after he wrote Mein Kampf.

Well, we read it and
we don't like it.

We love it!

You got me!

I could have killed you,
Mr. Weinberg!

"Dear Diary, still no sign
of that tampon from last week,

but the headaches
are getting worse."

Chris, what are you
doing?! Give me that!

Well, I'm off to buy
imaginary groceries.

Do you think he's okay?

I don't know.

You idiot,
this is your fault.

My fault?

You were the one
chasing me.

You were the one
reading my diary.

Kids, breakfast.

What do we do?

Is he breathing?

It-it looks like it.

That's a good sign, right?

Brian, I'm afraid I'm going to
have to be blunt with you. Yeah?

We love this pilot!

Oh, my God, I felt
like Hitler just then.

What?
It was a joke.

I just-I just said
I felt like Hitler.

What?
Nobody here's Jewish, right?

Uh, gee, I don't know,
are you Jewish, Gordon?

Gee, I don't know,
Jeremy, are you?

I- I had no idea.

I'm-I'm sorry.

Hey, Brian.
We're both Italian.

You're in.

That's a good one.
That's a good one.

Chris, I'm worried.

Stewie's still
unconscious.

Maybe he's just sleeping.

Is Stewie in here?

Ye-yes.

Well, can you
give him to me?

It's time
for his dinner.

Oh, don't worry, Mom,
we'll bring him down.

Anything I can do to make
your life a little easier.

Well, you could always
grab the vacuum

and clean up the
living room floor.

Oh sure, I'll
take care of that.

Are you, uh, running
off to your job?

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.
Yeah.

Kids, what is
taking so long?

Dinner's ready.

Oh, look at my
little cowboy.

Come on, Stewie, up
in your high chair.

Boy, he must be starving.

Yeah, he's really
chowing down.

Hey, how's the food,
Stewie?

Oy, blimey,
it's right delicious,

I do declare.
Wacka wacka.

Brian, have you decided
who's gonna star in your show?

Well, it's a tough role.

I mean, Byron is a
25-year-old single father

going back to
finish college

so he can do right
by his four-year-old daughter.

So it's got to be somebody
who can project

a certain amount of
world-wizened sophistication,

while at the same time retaining

a certain youthfully
passionate idealism.

You know who'd be
good? Big Jaws.

Actually, in my mind,
there's only one actor

who could do this role:
Elijah Wood.

Oh, Elijah Wood.

I got a little bit
of a crush on him, I have.

Oh, oh, look,
Lois, wishbone.

Okay, ready?

One, two, three.

Yes!

I got five seconds.

Hah! No gravity.

There he is!

Oh, go on.

No, really, go on.

Hi, I'm Todd Goldstein,

senior executive of programming
here at the network.

We are so happy
to be working with you.

I hope you brought the magic
wand you wrote this with.

Yep, it's right here.

Watch, I'll turn this beautiful
princess into a toad.

Bing.
Ribbit.

Oh, all right,
I can tell

this is gonna be
a fun process.

You know, Brian, you've spun
gold into these pages,

and it's our job to bring
that gold to the screen.

So, what do you say we get this
casting session started, huh?

Let's do it.

All right!
Yeah!

Okay, now obviously,
we love Elijah Wood

for the part of Byron
as much as you do.

The audition
is just a formality.

Let's bring him in.

Elijah?

Hi, everyone.

Hey, Elijah, how are
you? How you doing?

So should I just
jump into this?

Whenever you're ready.

Okay, I'll read
you in, Elijah.

Now, this is the scene where
Byron's professor fails him

for missing the
chemistry midterm

to take his daughter
to the doctor.

I'm sorry, Byron, missing the
midterm is an automatic failure.

Go ahead, Professor Watkins,
fail me if you want.

Give me an "F" on the exam.

I don't care because
I got an "A" today...

as a dad.

Maybe this is news to you,

but love isn't some element
on your periodic table.

So, you know what?

Keep your chromium
and magnesium,

because I discovered
a much more precious element.

I discovered Dadmium.

Wow.

Does that audition come
with a box of tissues?

That was a
great read.

Thanks, everybody.

I mean, come on.
How great is he?

Wow. He's amazing.
That's our guy.

That's our Byron.

Great. Then we're
good to go.

Look, since we're playing
with house money,

we do have
one more guy.

What?
- Oh, don't worry.

He's not Byron.

Somebody upstairs
threw out a name,

got real excited
about it,

so we're just
playing the game.

Okay, so who?

Hey, what's up, douche bags?

I'm here to audition
for this stupid pilot.

James Woods?

Thanks for
coming in, Jimmy.

Do you need
a copy of the scene?

Nah, I got it memorized.

Just like your
wife's phone number.

No, he didn't!

I do, though.
I have it memorized.

Wait a second. I
don't want this guy

anywhere near
this show!

He's been harassing
my family for years!

He stalked my best friend and
then he stole his identity!

Oh, my God.
That's an episode!

Brian, will you
read him in?

I'm sorry, Byron.

Missing the midterm
is an automatic failure.

Hey, science face,
I got an "F" for you.

It stands for "FUCK you."

There he is!

Hey, and guess what?

I discovered a new element.

Okay, thanks a lot,
everybody. I got to go.

I got some school
bus seats to sniff.

Seriously,
stop it!

Okay, did everyone else
feel that?

I felt it.

Oh, I felt it, too.

I felt whatever the most senior
executive in this room felt.

Okay, good.
So we all felt it.

Wait, you're not seriously
considering him, are you?

James Woods is insane.

And on top of that,
he's, like, 60.

The character of Byron
is 25 years old.

I know, I know.

But what if he wasn't?

What? But he is.

...n't.

My god, this
is a nightmare.

I thought you said you weren't
gonna mess with my show.

It's a small
change, Brian.

You won't
even notice it.

You guys aren't gonna
believe this.

Call a tow truck.

I just banged
into some homo's Prius.

This is Rob, our director.

Hey, Brian. Really looking
forward to making your show.

What's, uh, wha-what's
with all those empty seats?

Well, that's where
the audience is gonna sit.

Audience?

This isn't a sitcom.
It's a drama.

Well, we thought it would be a
lot funnier if it was a sitcom.

It's-It's-It's not
supposed to be funny.

It's a serious drama
about a single father

raising his
four-year-old daughter.

Oh, right. That's
the other thing.

Now, this is just a thought,
but we're doing it.

She's 18.
What?

It was James Woods' idea

and we thought it was
just the right hook.

I mean, how
great is that?

A father and a daughter,
both in college together?

Hey, do you guys think this
outfit is too revealing?

What-what do
you think, Brian?

I mean, what-what
do you think

of the ta-tas,
you know what I mean?

Can we do better? I think
we can do better, right?

Who is this? Where'd
you get this girl?

Oh, by the way,
I need a chimp sidekick.

Maybe we should take him
to the hospital.

I think the maggots
have evolved

to the point that they've
developed space travel.

We just gotta clean
the wound, Meg.

Hand me that
scrub brush.

Hey, Chris.

Hey-Hey, Dad.

So, question: How long has
Stewie been unconscious?

Oh my God,
Chris, he knows!

Dad, I am so sorry.

We should have told somebody,
but we were too scared,

and-and-and I wanted
to take him to the hospital,

but Chris wouldn't let me.

Good, Chris.

I've taught you well.

You've got
the right instincts.

When you were babies,

I used to knock you kids out
every month or so,

sometimes by accident, sometimes
when the Patriots lost.

You just gotta cover it up,
and eventually it all works out.

Meg, this is
a list of hats.

I need these
by 4:00.

Good idea.

One of those hats would have
helped him at the park today.

Chris, did you put a
coonskin cap on Stewie?

No, why?

They look like
little robbers.

Hey, good evening, everyone,

and welcome to the first taping
of CBS's new hit comedy,

Class Holes!

Wait a minute.
That's not the title.

It's called "What I Learned
on Jefferson Street."

Yeah, it didn't make
a lot of sense

now that he lives
on Boner Street.

And... action!

Okay, Hillary,
you know the bet.

You have to sleep
with the next guy

that walks
through that door.

Got it.

Dad?!

Hillary?

You're in college?

You're my new
college roommate?!

We're gonna be
living together?

In the same dorm?

For the whole year?!

With my chimp sidekick?!

Brian, they love it.

Wha-what is this?
This isn't my script.

What the hell'd
you do to it?!

And I've got
great news for you.

We just got an e-mail
from the network heads.

They want to pick up
Class Holes! for 22 episodes!

Really? Yeah,
aren't you thrilled?

I, uh...
I'm not sure.

Hey, guys, the chimp just ripped
the other girl's boob off.

Please tell me
you got that on camera.

Lois, I-I wish you hadn't
gone through all this trouble.

Are you kidding?

I'm so excited.

From the first time
I read that script,

I just knew it was
gonna make it on TV.

I could see it.

Well, yeah, I mean,

but the real victory is just
having a show make it to TV.

I mean, we almost don't
even need to watch.

Hey, what's the cast of
Two and a Half Men doing here?

Well, you're always
saying our show sucks.

Let's see yours.

Come on, Peter!
Come on, kids!

The show's about to start!

I'm coming. I was
just gettin' Stewie.

All right, got the little
guy up from his nap.

Say hello to everyone, Stewie.

Aww.

Oh, oh, look,
everybody.

It's starting.

♪ There was a man ♪

♪ He dropped out ♪

♪ Now he's back ♪

♪ He had a daughter ♪

♪ Now she's in college
with him. ♪

What a pain in my class!

Well, Dad,
I owe you an apology.

You said you'd win that
talent show and you did.

Now everyone's doing
the Charleston.

Not everyone.

Someone's doing
The Monkey.

Mr. Nubbins.

Well, if you
can't beat 'em...

So, uh...
what'd you guys think?

Not the worst thing
in the world, right?

Oh, ha-ha.

Time for bed,
Stewie.

So, really, everybody,
what-what'd you think?

You want to know
what I think?

Well, yeah.

You son of a bitch!

Oh! Oh my God!

It's a travesty!
Joe, stop it!

And I will kill you!

Okay, okay.
Come on, Joe.

You bastard, we
hired a sitter for this!

Come on, come on,
Joe! Okay, come on.

Guys, keep his anus
above his head!

Okay, okay.
All right, all right.

Okay, careful.
Careful, Peter.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Look, I'm sure you're
disappointed, Lois,

but it wasn't my fault.

There-there were so
many people interfering.

Of course
it's gonna be bad.

I'm not disappointed
because it was bad.

I'm disappointed
because you sold out.

You had something really
special there, Brian.

You had a vision and
you let them change it

because you didn't
believe in yourself.

Lois, what was I gonna do?

It was either do it their way
or get cancelled.

Well, at least then you would
have had your integrity.

You guys wanted
to see me?

Look, Brian, we're really
excited about the ratings.

We're just really disappointed
with how low they are.

We did some testing
this morning,

and we think we've
discovered the problem.

People want something
more real, more grounded.

That's exactly
what I think, too.

We need to get back
to the original script.

Byron wants to do right
by his daughter,

and I think that everyone
can relate to that.

That's what America
wants to see.

The simple love
within a family

that conquers all
and makes life worth living.

What if I'm a cop and the chimp
is my reincarnated partner?

Yes!

That's perfect!

See? That's relatable!

How the hell is
that relatable?

And every month,
he's got a story

for why he doesn't have
his half of the rent.

I'm not doing this!

What do you mean,
you're not doing it?

I'm drawing the line.

I wrote a script that really
meant a lot to me,

and you guys took it

and turned it into something
cheap and ridiculous.

I've had enough.

I'm not selling
out anymore. I quit.

Do you guys have a
studio lawyer or something,

'cause I banged
that chick,

and I think she is
well under 18 years old.

All right, he's
not waking up.

I think we gotta take
these bandages off

and see what we're
dealin' with here.

Oh, crap, you
smell that?

That's brain smell.

Okay, I don't care
what you say.

He's really hurt,
and I'm gonna do

what I should have done
in the first place.

I'm taking him
to the hospital.

No, no. I got one
last plan, Meg.

Oh, my God!

Stewie!

Oh, God.
What have I done?!

Looks like you
ran over him, Lois.

Oh, no!
He's unconscious!

Peter, Peter, we have
to cover this up!

Yeah, but... What?!

Let's put a hat on him
to cover the wound,

and-and then let's
get some makeup

and draw eyeballs
on his eyelids

and find a way to pin
this on someone else.

I love you
so much right now.

Let's go to the hospital.

Well, Brian, I'm
proud of you.

You went in there and you stood
up for what you believed in.

Yeah, now I don't have
a TV Show anymore.

Oh who cares about that.

You made the right choice
for your own integrity

And that's what matters.

Well, I suppose
you're right.

And hey, at least I got
something on the air.

I mean, not everyone
can say that.

Announcer We
now return to big jaws.

Aah! Stop eating
our boat, jaws!

Rrr. I'm gonna
eat your boat,

And then I'm gonna
eat you guys!

Rarr!

Oh, my god, what's that?

It's bigger jaws!

Oh, my god!

Now we have
a common enemy.

We have
to work together.

I already got
a sequel in mind.

It's called
way bigger jaws.

Hey, I just found
out it's November!

What the FUCK
happened?!

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