Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 3 - Quagmire's Quagmire - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Hey, thanks for helping me pick
out a new computer, you guys.

Oh, no problem,
Quagmire.



God, this place is
always so crowded.

We gotta find someone
who works here.

Can I help you, sir?

Sorry, all I got
is a quarter, pal.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

My buddy here is
looking for a computer.

I would like to elect you
president.

What are you doing?

You gonna get a new phone
while we're here?

Maybe. But I gotta see
which one

I wanna take in and out of
my pocket every 30 seconds

for the next six years.

What do you think,
Peter? Peter?

I touched a iPhone headphone.



You know what?
I think I'm gonna go with this one.

Guy said it's the newest version.
Just came out this week.

Ah, good call,
Quagmire.

You're gonna be like
the first guy

in the neighborhood
to own a Model T.

See ya, suckers!

I'll be there an hour after you
with throw-up all over my legs!

Are you getting excited
for Halloween, Stewie?

You know, we'll have
to start thinking

about your costume soon.

All right, but let's make sure

we don't cover up this,
all right?

It's what puts candy in the bag.

Oh, look, Chris,
here's your costume

from the year you went
as a condom.

What the hell are you
supposed to be?

Oh, Stewie, look!

It's your very
first teddy bear!

Oscar?

Wow, I remember
that bear.

That's the one Grandma
and Grandpa brought Stewie

when he was still
in the hospital.

Oh, and here's the card
they sent me.

"Three kids on $40,000?
Have fun with your crap life."

I guess he got tucked
away up here.

You want him back,
sweetie?

What, this old thing?

No, no, thank you.
I've grown.

I've changed.

You sure you
don't want him?

I said no, okay?

Don't you have
a wedding dress

to try halfway on
and then cry about?

Hello? Oh, hey, Quagmire.
What's up?

Hey, Peter, I need
some help with my computer.

I can't find my photos.

Did you look
under "Photos"?

What is that?

It's a folder
called "Photos."

Yeah, I-I don't have that.

I just have 40 folders
all called "New Folder."

Okay. You know what?
Click on your hard drive.

Okay, now-now the arrow
on the screen,

that's me, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's you.
Okay, now-now just...

Whoa-whoa-whoa!
There's a calculator on this thing?!

Listen, Quagmire,
what are you trying to do?

I just wanna put pictures
of my cat

on everyone's
Internet computer.

Like, how do I do that?

Okay, wait.
There's an agreement that just popped up.

Hang on. L-Let me read
the whole thing.

Just hit "Accept."

Well, that seems a little foolhardy,
doesn't it, Peter?

Look, do we have
to do this now?

I'm watching something.

I know. I'm sorry.

I-I'm just nervous
that somebody else

is gonna get pictures of their
cat on the Internet first,

and then I'll always be known
as the second guy

to get pictures of his cat
on the Internet.

Quagmire, I don't know
how to tell you this,

but there's already
cats on the Internet.

Wait, it's-it's giving me
that pinwheel thing.

It-It's frozen. Oh, my God,
oh, my God, it crashed!

The whole thing
just crashed!

Geez, Quagmire,
calm down.

We'll figure it out.

No, Peter,
the whole thing's fried!

I can't even...!

Ah! damn it!
What the hell?!

Hey, you clicked "Accept."

Hey, what's going on?

You doing some
reading there?

Yes, well, you know
I turn to poetry

when matters of the heart
weigh heavily on me.

"If you're happy
and you know it,

"then your face will
surely show it.

"If you're happy
and you know it,

"clap your hands.

Anonymous."

Wait... matters
of the heart?

What are you
talking about?

Well, Lois found my old teddy
bear, Oscar, in the attic.

And I'm just not sure how
to handle it,

what with Rupert and all.

Who cares?
Just play with them both.

I can't do that!

Oh, it would be
so awkward!

Um... okay.

Oscar was my...

well, he was my first,
you know.

And that's always exciting.

But-but I've been with
Rupert for so long now.

Uh-huh.

Most of our finances
are intertwined.

We've built
a life together.

On the other hand,
Oscar...

Oscar's the only one who can
really make me laugh.

I hate to say it, but I'm mostly with
Rupert because of his insurance.

Stewie, I think you're
overthinking this.

No, you're right.
You're right, Brian.

I'm with Rupert now.

I just need
to forget Oscar.

No matter how intense
our relationship was.

That's amazing.

It's like you took
all the colors that exist

and said, ",
here's a new one."

Hi, can I help you?

Well, that depends.

Do you know how
to fix pieces of junk?!

Haven't been stumped yet.

Okay, I see what
your problem is.

I-I-I tried to buy
a sweater online,

and I-I think
I got a virus.

No, the porn's
not the problem.

Your browser history shows

But that site has
a bunch of malware.

Oh.

Personally, I'd recommend
College Latinas.

I mean, I wanna see Latinas,
but I also want them to

Speak English.
speak English. Yes, exactly.

Wow. So you're into that kind
of stuff, too?

Uh-huh.

Would you, uh,
would you have dinner with me?

Absolutely.

Excuse me. I bought this
laptop here yesterday,

but when I got home I noticed
the apple already had

a bite taken out of it!

So, yeah, I was
the first woman

to ride her bike
cross-country with no seat.

Gosh, that's neat, Sonja.

And-and where'd
you go to college?

I think Syracuse,
but I don't know.

My face was buried
in a pillow all four years.

Wow, sounds like you took
a full class load.

Oh, Glenn, I'm so glad
you asked me out.

Whenever I talk
about stuff like this,

most people look at me

like I'm some kind
of disgusting perv.

Me, too, but who cares?

You should never be afraid
to be different.

Hoo.

Whom.

Morning.

Morning.

We kind of had
a crazy night.

Yeah, we... Did we?

I don't really remember,

but I do feel like I might
be down a couple of quarts.

Well, even though you seemed
like a sure thing,

I really wanted
to make sure.

Oh, my God!
You roofied me?!

Are you mad?

No. I'm in love!

Sonja, honey,
stay right here.

I just have to go
to the bathroom.

Wait, Glenn.

Take this wine glass.
We can use it later.

My God, I...

I've never been so happy!

I'm telling you guys,
Sonja is the perfect woman.

She's every bit as kinky
and as insatiable as I am.

Really? I thought you said she
was just some computer geek.

She is.

Her mouth has enough storage
space for a giggity-byte. Oh!

Geez, you changed your
relationship status already?

When you know, you know.

All right, but just
be careful, ya know?

You don't wanna rush an
important decision.

I'll take
the cheeseburger meal.

Would you like to make it
an extra large meal?

Uh...

N-No. Yes.

No.

You sure? It's only
29 cents more.

Yes.

No.

What the hell?

Stewie, what are you doing
up here?

Brian!

It's not what you think!

All right, I came up here
for a photo shoot

and it just got way,
way out of hand!

You're having tea.

How is that
out of hand?

Is your shirt
on backwards?

Please! You can't tell Rupert
I was up here, all right?

He wouldn't understand.
He'll kill himself, Brian!

He's been through so much
already!

He can't take much more!

Brian, he watched
his brother drown!

Stewie, relax.

You're getting all
worked up over nothing.

Says the guy who freaks out

every time
a fire engine goes by.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Peter, Peter,
you hear that?!

I'm matching the sound!

Is what I'm doing helping?

Glenn, why did you
bring me here?

Well, I've always had
this fantasy

of having sex on
the basketball court

in front of my
high school principal.

Only problem is he's
now completely senile.

Yeah, you like this,
Principal Goodrich, huh?

Remember you once
suspended me

for showing my wiener
in school?

I did?

This isn't as much fun
as I thought it would be.

I'm sorry, Sonja,
I don't think I can finish.

You never could finish,
Quagmire!

Donahue, get in there!

Okay, Glenn, now that we've
covered ourselves in black ink,

let's do it until
we've created

every character in
the Chinese alphabet.

When all said and done,

Quagmire body tell story
of sadness.

Oh, wow, I can't even imagine
what twisted deviant act

you've thought of this time.

I want you to have sex
with your father.

What?!

Yep, and I'm gonna watch.

Hi, Glenn.

Are you crazy?! No!
No way!

Glenn, remember,
the thing we love most about each other

is that we push
each other

way beyond
our normal boundaries.

Did you enjoy your stay
at the Marriott?

No, I did not.

Oh, well, excuse me for not
being six months old anymore!

Oh, and here come
the tears!

The show is starting,
everyone! Come on down!

What's all that noise?

What the hell's
going on up there?

We're in a fight is
what's going on!

Brian, I need you to settle
an argument for us:

am I Hitler?

Because I don't think
that I am,

but maybe-maybe
I'm off base on this.

Stewie, take it easy.

No, you know what?

You may as well call
your family now

because I'm not going
to Sarasota.

I don't care
if we can't get a refund,

we're through!

Here, Brian, you take him.

Maybe you can make him happy.

What?
You heard me. Take him.

Do whatever you want
with him, I don't care.

Rupert and I are over!

Are you sure?

Yes, we're done.

I just hope we can
handle it better

than blue and yellow
did when they split up.

You were supposed to have
the kids here by 5:00.

We have plans.

It's 5:15.

Stop busting my hump, Alicia.

Okay, you know
what, let's not...

let's not do this
in front of the kids.

God, you're right.

What ever happened to us?

Hey, baby, you
ready for dinner?

What's up, Scott?

We gonna get
some barbecue.

Hey, guys.

No, indoors, not okay.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't do it.
Nighttime, not allowed.

What? There's nothing
wrong with this.

No, no way, give me those.

Oh, my God.

Quagmire,
what the hell happened?

Is this another one
of those sex-related injuries

you keep getting?

Yeah, it seems like lately

that girlfriend of yours is
taking things a little too far.

No, she's not;
everything's great with us.

Are you guys still talking
about Sonja?

All right, I should
probably get going.

Sonja and I are
supposed to go

to a "Brown Eyes
Wide Shut" party.

Geez, I don't know what's
going on with him.

But I guess love does
funny things to people.

Look at Forrest Gump.

Hi, Forrest.

I know you just got back
from Vietnam and you love me,

but I'm gonna go run a train

with this group
of Black Panthers I just met.

Okay, Jenny.

Hi, Forrest.

I know you came all this way
to New York to visit me,

but I'm gonna go do blow

and have sex
with a bunch of stockbrokers.

Okay, Jenny.

Hi, Forrest.

Now that I have
the most contagious

and incurable disease
known to mankind,

I'll finally have pity sex
with you.

Okay, Jenny.

And I'll mow the grass
and raise the AIDS baby.

Hey, sexy.

Sonja, what are you doing here?

Well, I got tired of waiting
for you to get home,

so I thought I'd come to you.

Come on, Sonja. How about...

how about
we take a night off, huh?

The sex has just been nonstop.

I mean, I understand
that "no" doesn't mean "no,"

but certainly some word
has got to mean "no."

This is one of your
fantasies, right?

Public humiliation?

Mm, it's sexy, isn't it?

Sonja, stop, please!

Come on, you love it.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

You're hurting me, and I really
need to clean out my trunk!

Oh, I'm gonna clean
out your trunk.

Giggity.

That's my word. That's my word!

Okay, Joe, Joe,
you're drunk, okay?

You're drunk;
give me your keys.

And-and I'm drunk,
so I'll give you my keys.

Okay, now we're both good
to drive home.

You been drinking
tonight, sir?

Uh, no, Officer, I just had
a glass of dinner with my wine.

Okay, I'm gonna need you
to step out of the car

and walk a straight
line, please.

All right,
you be safe, sir.

There's a lot of crazies
out there tonight.

Oh, hey, Mr. and
Mrs. Quagmire.

Hi, Peter.

I'm a little worried
about Glenn.

I haven't heard
from him in days.

Have you seen him?

I haven't seen anybody.

I've been grounded
for pinching a girl.

Hey, are you guys talking
about Quagmire?

He never showed
this morning,

and today's the day
we usually go apple picking.

Get that one.

Get that one!

Hey, get that one.

Get that one over there.

No, not-not that one.

I already got it!
I can't put it back!

Well, it's not
going in the pie.

Well, if you're so smart,
why don't you come up here

and pick them yourself?

And now there's
no pie at all.

I've already checked
Glenn's house,

and there's no sign
he's even been there.

I'm afraid something terrible
has happened.

Now let's not jump
to any conclusions.

I'm sure if we just check
his usual hangouts,

someone will have seen him.

Wait a second.

He hangs out at the Clam
with some fat loudmouth.

You find Loudy McFatass,
you find Quagmire.

Come on, let's go.

But, Dad, it's the
night of my big show!

Oh, Chris, I was never
gonna go to that.

We should get some food
in you, mister.

You hardly ate
any of that cereal

I smashed
on your mouth yesterday.

Brian?

Oh, hey.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I've been kind of using
Rupert as a chew toy.

Chewing him
with your crotch?

Hey, dogs like humping
stuffed animals.

What can I say?

Besides, you said
I could have Rupert.

I thought you liked
Oscar better anyway.

Well, I just changed my mind.

And you know Rupert's a dude,
right, you gaylord?

Okay, you guys, where should
we start looking for Glenn?

Well, sometimes Quagmire
likes to hang out

under all the clutter
in my garage.

So, why don't we
just start sorting stuff

and throwing stuff away

but obviously checking
with me first

before you throw stuff away.

No problem, Peter.

Quagmire, if you're in
there, hang tight, buddy.

We're coming.

Right, and if we can't
find him in here,

he sometimes likes to hang out

in between the blades
of grass in my lawn.

And also in the firewood
that needs to be split.

Might he be under the leaves
in your gutter?

Great question,
and yes, he might.

So, while you guys
are taking care of that,

I'll be around back
flicking pinecones

at a tree
with this hockey stick.

Aloha.
Welcome to Ryan's Hawaiians.

Hey, how you doing?

Amazing.

Have you seen this man?

Glenn Quagmire?

Nah, the last time I saw him
was three months ago.

Sold him 70 red shirts.

Yeah, he does look
good in that shirt.

Uh, everyone looks good
in my shirts.

How about you, Big Island?

Uh, I don't know.

Do you want to be
an oldies' DJ

or a 1980's wrestling manager?

Yes, both.

This is beautiful.

Heart disease looks better

when it's wrapped in a
tropical, floral pattern.

Oh, my God, this is hopeless.

We've been searching for hours.

Glenn could be dead by now.

I know, and if you guys
are really hungry,

I suppose I could eat.

Come on, we can't give up.

Someone's got to
have seen Quagmire.

Or if not him,
at least Sonja.

Excuse me, did you
just say "Sonja"?

Yes! I did!

That was my dog's name.

Excuse me,
did he just say "Sonja"?

Yeah, it was his dog's name.

Oh, I thought
he might have been talking

about this super kinky woman
who's always down here,

trying to lure men
to her sex slave shed.

No, I think he was talking
about his dog.

No, Peter, that's the
Sonja we're looking for.

Sonja must have
taken Glenn there.

Where exactly is
this sex slave shed?

I'm not sure,

but I've heard she has a unit
at Quahog Storage.

Apparently that chick's
a complete psycho.

We got to get over there!

Come on, you guys,
let's go!

Oh, man, I hope we don't catch
them doing something freaky.

I'm still weirded out
from when I walked in

on that masturbating Eskimo.

Dinner time, Tikaloo.

Oh, my God!

Doesn't anybody knock?

Hey, Stewie, look, I want
to apologize about earlier.

What the hell is this?

Brian, I think it's time
that Rupert made his choice.

What are you talking about?

Talking about love, Bri.

Talking about adult decisions.

Rupert's been with me,
and now he's been with you.

It's time for him to pick.

Stewie, this is stupid;
I'm not doing this.

Brian, either you cooperate or I
blow my Adam Levine dog whistle.

Hey, my voice isn't that high.

It is.

It is though.

All right, Rupert.

Who will it be?

And before you answer,

think of all the
good times we've had.

The time we met The Beatles
on The Ed Sullivan Show.

That winter we lived
on the sun.

And here's my favorite.

A blank one we can fill up

with a future together.

Yes!

Oh, my God, Rupert, I'm
so sorry for everything!

I missed you, too!

Whatever.

Hey, you done
with that weird octopus doll?

It's you and me forever, Rupert.

I just hope Oscar
didn't take it too hard.

This is it, number 92.

This is Sonja's
storage unit.

Quagmire, are you in there?

Oh, he's eating.

We'll come back
when you're done eating.

Glenn!

Hurry, she'll be back soon.

I can't believe the
guy with the ponytail

and the facial tattoo
at the front desk

would let this happen.

Well, what's this?

We got company?

Hold it right there.

Please.

Do you think I'm afraid of you?

Boy, if you were
ever gonna stand,

this would be
the time, Joe.

Everybody, just shut up!

You idiots should've
minded your own business.

This is our business.

You kidnapped our friend.

You're going to jail.

Don't come any closer
or I'll shoot you!

Oh, I don't think
you're gonna shoot me.

You don't got the boobs.

What?

I-I don't know.

Now, just hand me
the gun, Sonja.

Oh, I swear to God,
you get one inch closer to me,

and I'm gonna shoot you.

What the hell?

Like I said, you're
going to jail.

Oh, my God, Joe,
that was so close.

How'd you know the
gun would jam?

It didn't jam, Peter.

The gun was never loaded.

Sort of had
a mental breakdown in April.

No more bullets for this guy.

Oh, Glenn, I was so
worried about you.

Are you all right?
No, no,

I'm pretty far
from all right.

Well, I guess this is
as good a time as any.

Happy birthday, Joe.

You dick!

Thanks for your help, guys.

I might not be alive
if it weren't for you.

Hey, no problem, buddy.

Yeah, you would've done the
same for us, Quagmire.

You know, I guess
what I realized from all this

is that when it comes
to relationships,

I need to be the kinky one.

Ah, we're just glad
to have you back, Quagmire.

Yep, and it's good to put
all those troubles behind us.

My dad told me
he's pregnant.