Family Guy (1998–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Family Guy - full transcript

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Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes
in Greg's jacket.

- Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?
- No, Dad.

He's lying. There's no doubt about that.

Greg, I'm afraid your punishment
will be four hours in the snakepit.

That'll give you time to think about
what you did.

Man!

That'll teach him.

Jan, I'm afraid you've earned
a day in the fire chamber...

...for tattling on your brother.

Smoking. How does
a boy like that go so wrong?

- They live in a crummy neighborhood.
- The Bradys?



Yeah. They got robbers, thugs,
drug dealers. You name it.

You folks want some pancakes?

No, thanks. See, that's the worst
we got is Jemima's Witnesses.

"It seems today that all you see

"is violence in movies and sex on TV

"But where are those good,
old-fashioned values

"on which we used to rely?

"Lucky there's a family guy

"Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell you

"all the things that make us

"laugh 'n' cry

"He's a family guy"

Mom, my lips are too thin.
Can I please get collagen injections?

Meg, you don't need to change
the way you look.



You know, most of the world's problems
stem from poor self-image.

Excellent! The mind-control device
is nearing completion!

Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Damn you, vile woman!

You've impeded my work since the day
I escaped from your wretched womb.

Don't pout, honey. When you were born...

...the doctor said you were
the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.

But, of course. That was my victory day.
The fruition of my deeply-laid plans...

...to escape from that cursed ovarian
bastille! Return the device, woman!

No toys, Stewie.

Very well, then.

Mark my words, when you least expect it,
your uppance will come!

Mom, can I turn the heat up?

Don't touch the thermostat, Meg.
Your father gets upset.

Come on. This thing goes up to 90.

Who touched the thermostat?

God, how does he always know?

Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one.

Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.

My thing went off!
Your thermostat okay?

- Yeah, it's all right.
- Is my kid over here?

Forget it! False alarm!

Ass ahoy.

Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got
your pants on. What's the occasion?

He's going to a stag party.

Lois, I work hard all week
to provide for this family.

I am the man of the house.

As the man, I order you
to give me permission to go to this party.

Look, at least promise me you won't drink.
Alcohol always leads to trouble.

Come on. You're worrying about nothing.

Remember when you got drunk
off the Communion wine at church?

And so the Lord God smote poor Job...

...with festering boils all over his body.

Man, I hate it when he tells this story.

Yet, miraculously,
Job was still able to retain his dignity.

- Is that really the blood of Christ?
- Yes.

Man, that guy must've been wasted
24 hours a day.

And then there was that time
at the ice cream store.

Butter Rum's my favorite.

Remember you had an Irish coffee
the day we went to see Philadelphia?

I got it. That's the guy from Big.
Tom Hanks, that's it.

Funny guy, Tom Hanks.
Everything he says is a stitch.

I have AIDS.

- Promise me, Peter.
- Lois, honey, I promise.

Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch
these lips tonight.

Who wants to play Drink The Beer?

Right here.

- You win.
- All right. What do I win?

Another beer!

I'm going for the high score!

Actually, Charlie's got the high score.

Man. Your clock won't flush.

I feel kind of bad, guys.
I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.

- Don't feel bad, Peter.
- Gee. I never thought of it like that.

Did you bring the porno?

Did I bring the porno?
You're gonna love it. It's a classic.

Listen, Ilsa. If I take this thing out...

...and you're not on it, you'll regret it.
Not today or tomorrow.

But soon, and for the rest of your life.

Come on, llsa! Get on it!

The statue was a gift from France.

What is this?

Man. My kid must've taped
over this for history class.

The Statue of Liberty?
What are we gonna do?

- Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot.
- That's just crazy enough to work.

Meg, finish your pancakes.

- Chris, elbows off your father.
- Thanks, son.

37 beers. You're setting
a great example for the kids, Peter.

Yeah. A new family record.
Way to raise the bar, Dad.

Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.

Kids, Daddy only drank
so the Statue of Liberty...

...would take her clothes off.

- What did you promise me last night?
- I wouldn't drink at the stag party.

- And what did you do?
- Drank at the stag...

I almost walked right into that one. God!

Feels like accountants
are cranking adding machines in my head.

Dick, you ever wonder
what's outside those walls?

That's dangerous thinking, Paul.
You best stick to your work.

Okay.

You see? A hangover is nature's way
of telling you I was right. I mean...

Mom, are you all right?

My goodness.
This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly?

I could've broken my neck.

Damn!

Honey. I took a cab home,
I slept on the table...

...so I wouldn't wake you up.
Nothing bad happened.

I guess you're right.

Apology accepted.
All right, I'm going to work.

Somebody's gotta put food on this table.

How are you coming, Johnson?

Mr. Weed, I've been working
on the new G.I. Jew line.

And as you can see, they look great.

You call these bagels?

I'm glad he's on our side!

Peter!
What?

Are you sleeping on the job?

No. There's a bug in my eye
and I'm trying to suffocate him.

Peter, I like you. But I need you to be
more than just eye candy around here.

It's your job to watch for toys
that could be hazardous to kids.

- Now, look sharp!
- Yes, sir!

And now back to Action News 5.
Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack. "

Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.

Quite a situation we've got here, Tom,
indeed, Diane.

The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company
of Quahog, Rhode Island...

...has released highly unsafe
products into the retail market.

Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!

Boy! A Pound Poochie!

Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.

Peter, I'm appalled.

Your negligence has damaged
this company's reputation.

You're fired!

Jeez. For how long?

My God! You got fired?

- Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!
- How do you know about the machine?

Don't worry.
I'll still put food on this table.

Just not as much.
So it might get a little competitive.

Who cares about food? Now we'll never
be able to afford my lip injections!

Can we put her
out in the yard for a while?

Okay, who's hungry?

Jeez. How the hell
am I gonna break this to Lois?

If she finds out I got fired for drinking,
she's gonna blame me!

Lie to her. It's okay to lie
to women. They're not people like us.

I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy?

Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.

This is perfect!

Look, I don't want your mom to worry,
all right?

When she worries, she says,
"I told you so" and:

"Stop doing that. I'm asleep. "
So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay?

Not a word to your mom
about me getting canned.

What's that, Peter?

- Nothing. The lost-my-job smells great.
- What?

Meg, honey, can you pass
the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?

Peter, are you feeling okay?

I feel great!
I haven't got a job in the world.

All right, then let's eat.

I know you all hate eggplant, but...

What on earth was that?

What the deuce are you staring at?
It's tuna fish...

...and nothing else.

How's your job search going?

It sucks, Brian. I've already
been through two jobs this week.

I got fired off of that commercial.

Try it again.
"I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs. "

No, damn it! Take 26!

Then I had that job as the sneeze guard
for that restaurant's salad bar.

Take it outside, lady.

I thought I could win money
in that talent show.

And the prize goes
to The von Trapp Family Singers!

That is bull...

Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent...

...but you might want to tell Lois the truth.

What? That I can't provide for my family?
That she's always right?

That I didn't stand up to a tank
in Tiananmen Square?

Screw this!
I just came over to buy some fireworks!

You can't keep lying to her
about losing your job.

Eventually, she'll find out
where you're going every day.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.
Okay, I'll tell her tonight.

Victory is mine!

I'll need the checkbook
in the morning.

I'm going to Stop 'N Shop
for some sweet corn.

You're spending money on food again?

Lois, we just had dinner.

I enjoyed it so much,
I thought we'd eat again tomorrow.

Since when are you so concerned
about our food budget?

I just...

Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but...

What is it, Peter?

- You're getting kind of fat.
- What?

It's just... It's not healthy.

Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape
three times a week.

When was the last time you saw your toes?

I thought you people were
supposed to be jolly.

Peter, what the hell is the matter with you?

Honey, if there's something wrong,
you can tell me.

- Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss?
- Thank God you're here. What do I do?

Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep.

I don't know.

Where's the other guy?

This is unbelievable!

I promise you, everything's fine.
You got nothing to worry about.

Well, well, Mother!
We meet again!

Stewie, I thought
I tucked you in an hour ago.

Not tightly enough it would seem.
And now you contemptible harpy...

...I shall end your reign
of matriarchal tyranny.

You can play tomorrow, honey.

Right now it's bedtime.

Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!

Sweet dreams, kiddo.

You have the power to end this!

How'd she take it?

I told her she was fat.

No.

I hate lying to Lois. It's just...

It's the best way
to keep her from the truth.

You have no choice.
Your unemployment will dry up soon.

She'll probably sense something's amiss
when they repossess your house.

You really oughta think
of your family's welfare.

Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea!

Okay, do you have any disabilities,
past injuries, physical anomalies?

I didn't have gas
for the first time until I was 30.

What the hell was that?

Guys, our money problems
are over! We're officially on welfare.

Come on, help me scatter car parts
on the front lawn.

How much are we getting?

Let's see. $150 a week.

Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal.

Whoops.

No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon.

I was giving a piano lesson.

Stewie, why don't you play
in the other room?

Why don't you burn in hell?

No dessert for you, young man.

Who would've thought getting drunk
would get me...

...$150,000 a week from the government?

This is why I don't vote.

Maybe somebody down there
was drinking, too.

Mr. President, why do you think
the public supports you...

...during these impeachment proceedings?

Probably because you're so fat.

Peter, you might want to call
the Welfare Commission.

That check is obviously an oversight.

Not necessarily. Maybe I'm like
their one millionth customer.

What?
You're gonna spend $150,000 a week?

- Yeah.
- On what?

Oh, my God!
Peter, you bought the statue of David?

No. I just rented it.
But they're gonna be ticked.

The penis broke off
while I was loading it into the car.

I shall call you "Eduardo. "

Peter, how can we afford this?

You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting...

A big raise!

Peter, that's wonderful!

But, Dad, I thought...

The kind of raise that'll allow me
to give my kids a big allowance...

...just for keeping their big mouths shut.
Come on, guys.

I'll buy us
the most expensive meal we've ever had.

Yeah.
I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please.

I beg your pardon?

6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas.

And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.

Peter, what's the big surprise?

You know how I always said
you should be treated like a queen?

I got you your own jester.

Good to be here in New England.

And what's the deal
with "New" England anyway?

It's over 200 years old!
Last time I checked, that's not that new.

This is great.

I can finally afford to give my little girl
the lips she's always dreamed of.

Thank you, Daddy!

I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing.

But did you have to buy
breast implants for Chris?

It makes him happy.

These are cool.

When did you get a pool?

It's a moat.

I know it's silly...

...but my husband thinks our family
needs extra protection now that...

...we're rich.

Does it work?

It does keep the Black Knight at bay.

Congratulations in all your success.
Here's your welfare check.

What the...

Hi, honey.

What?

I know what I did was wrong.
But I only did it for you and the kids.

Except for the jukebox in the bathroom.
That was for Peter.

Yeah, from the American taxpayers.
I am so mad I can't see straight.

No problem.
We got money to get that fixed...

...with enough left for us to buy our way
out of any trouble our kids might get into.

Just like the Kennedys.

I feel like I don't
even know you anymore, Peter.

The man I married would never think
he could fix a problem...

...just by spending money!

Boy, she's pretty pissed.

Who thought fraud
would be one of her buttons?

Why have a jukebox
in the john if your wife's mad at you?

Peter, you may have to return
that money to the taxpayers.

But I gotta make sure
Lois knows I'm doing it.

I need an event with thousands of people.

Something that everybody cares about.

We might have to leave
Rhode Island for this.

The air is electric here
at Super Bowl XXXllI tonight!

Pat, it's safe to say that all
these fans came out here...

...to watch a game of football!

John, we're in commercial.

Yeah, I know.
I'm just making conversation. Come on.

Football!

Amazing. You can barely drive a car.
Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp?

Yeah, America's great, isn't it?
Except for the South.

Boy, I hope Lois is watching.

Okay, taxpayers, here you go!

Looks like we're getting some rain
here tonight, John.

Yeah. Hey, wait a second!
This is no ordinary rain!

It's some kind of crazy money rain!

I'm being told it's a man and his dog
throwing cash out of a blimp.

Man. I hope this works. Otherwise,
I'm gonna have to start dropping these.

The crowd is storming the field!
This is pandemonium!

Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat?

Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl.
This is the old "trying to make amends...

"... for spending $150,000 a week
in misappropriated welfare funds" play.

I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining
a perfectly good game of football!

- Madden to Fox Security.
- Go ahead.

Take them down!
Yes, sir.

How was your shower?

I tell you, all of the rumors
about dropping the soap are true.

Really?

You can't hold onto that thing
to save your life.

It was slipping everywhere.
Guys were laughing.

There's the guy
that couldn't hold the soap.

That was classic.

Boy. I really let Lois down this time.

Do you think she'll wait for me?

If every woman dumped her husband...

...for crashing a blimp,
no one would be married.

Yeah, you're right.
Okay, I got the top bunk.

My collagen is wearing off.

Honey, sagging lips are just nature's way...

...of telling you you shouldn't
cover for your father's lie.

What does it mean when your armpits
cry stinky tears?

It means you're becoming a man.

But hopefully not the kind who stays out
all day and doesn't call...

...like your father
who shall remain nameless.

Hello, Mother.
Hi there, sweetie.

You know, Mother,
life is like a box of chocolates.

You never know what you're going to get.

Your life, however,
is more like a box of active grenades!

Now, I offer one last chance
for deliverance.

Return my mind-control device
or be destroyed.

You just want your toy back.

Okay, here you go, honey.

Yes... Well, victory is mine!

Damn you all!

Hello?

Oh, my God!

Lois, am I glad to see you.

I have nothing to say to you, Peter.

I gave the money back.
Why are you still steamed?

Peter, you lied to me,
you betrayed my trust.

Compared to that,
welfare fraud doesn't even matter.

Really?
Let's hope the judge feels that way.

This court will come to order.

I figured the sooner I cashed the check...

...the sooner they'd catch their mistake.

Why are we making a federal case
out of this?

Don't you think you should
have alerted the government...

...of such a gross overpayment?

I was gonna call them.
But my favorite episode...

...of Different Strokes was on.
The one where Arnold and Dudley...

...get sexually molested
by the bike shop owner?

All right. Now I want you boys
to scream real loud at my ass.

And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson?

Yes. Stay the hell away
from that bike shop.

Okay, everybody, I feel really bad
about what I did. I just...

I don't know. I saw the one chance...

...I'd ever have to give my family
the things they deserve.

I guess I screwed it up.
I cheated the government.

And worst of all, I lied to my wife.

And she deserves better.

I'm sorry, honey.

Mr. Griffin, I think your words
have touched us all.

I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.

No!

- No!
- No!

No!

Yeah!

Excuse me, Your Honor?
Yes?

Look, my husband may be
a bit thoughtless at times.

He may even be downright stupid.

But I know he only accepted that money...

...because he wanted to be
a good husband and father.

But what he needs to remember
is that we love him.

And no matter what,
I'll always stand by him.

I love you too, honey.

That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin.
Okay, you can go to jail with him!

What?

24 months in prison? Unacceptable!
Intolerable as it may be...

...I'm completely dependent upon
those wretched drones for sustenance.

Let us see how the constitution
of American justice fares...

...against the device!

Is that your boy?

What? Yeah. That's Stewie.

Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young
from his father. It's unjudgmenly.

- Hell, you've learned your lesson, right?
- Yeah.

- All right. You're free.
- Wow! Can you give me my job back?

No.

- Yes.
- All right!

That was a crazy one, Dick.

It sure was. In this next blooper
from Joanie Loves Chachi...

...watch what happens when Scott Baio
tries to say:

"She sells seashells
down by the seashore. "

What does your mom do?

She sells seashells down by the...

That is kind of a tongue twister.

It's good to have you home, Peter.

Honey, I knew everything
would turn out okay.

I sure am gonna miss being rich.

Don't worry.
I got a way to get money.

Not another welfare scam?

No. Minority scholarship.

No.
Are you insane?

Okay, I mean sexual harassment suit.

No.
Don't think so.

Absolutely outrageous.

Okay, disability claim.