Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 13 - Redneck Road Trip - full transcript
Jase volunteers to take the Duck Commander RV out on pick up, but neglects to mention to Willie, he's taking Si, Martin and Jep along for a road trip. Back home, Phil and Willie have to use...
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WASHIN' THE OLD RV, ARE WE?
GIVIN' HER A LITTLE BATH.
YOU PLANNING ON TAKING IT
SOMEWHERE?
NAH, I'M JUST WASHING IT.
IT'S LIKE YOU, HUH?
YOU TAKE A BATH ONCE A WEEK... I
WASH MY RV ONCE A WEEK.
OKAY, WE HAVE SOMETHING IN
COMMON.
IT'S A SHOWPIECE.
CHEAP ADVERTISING, MAN.
I GOT A MOVEABLE BILLBOARD RIGHT
HERE.
TAKE IT ANYWHERE.
WHEN YOU GONNA LET ME TAKE
IT?
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE
THIS THING.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
JASE ALWAYS WANTS TO PLAY
WITH MY STUFF.
GO BUY YOUR OWN STUFF.
JASE, I WOULD NEVER LET YOU
DRIVE THIS.
WHATCHA TALKIN' ABOUT, IT'S
GOT MY FACE ON IT.
THAT MEANS I GET A KEY.
NO.
WHY DON'T YOU COOL OFF AND GO
MAKE SOME DUCK CALLS?
THERE YOU GO.
LOOK, IT'S RAINING.
ALL RIGHT, I THINK I WILL.
GO WORK.
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE BROTHER.
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE EMPLOYEE.
GET IN THERE AND DO SOME WORK.
MEET THE ROBERTSON CLAN.
THEY TURN DUCK CALLS...
INTO A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
EMPIRE.
BUT RUNNING A FAMILY BUSINESS IS
TOUGH WHEN THE FAMILY JUST WANTS
TO RUN WILD.
WHOO!
♪ YOU BEEN WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ THE BLOOD THAT YOU'RE ♪
♪ BORN IN IS SWEATIN' ♪
♪ YOU BEEN WORKING AND SLAVING ♪
♪ YOU'RE WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, BYE.
WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
I JUST BOUGHT TWO SWEET
POLARIS UTVs.
REALLY?
THEY'RE SWEET.
I'D LIKE TO SEE 'EM.
GAH-DANG IT, THEY'RE SO
SWEET.
THAT LOOKS LIKE A MAD SPIDER.
SWEET.
I CAN SEE IT NOW... MUD ON MY
BOOTS, WIND IN MY BEARD.
ME AND THESE ATVs FIT TOGETHER
LIKE A HAND AND GLOVE.
LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.
LIKE DARRYL HALL AND THAT OTHER
DUDE... WITH A MUSTACHE.
THE PROBLEM IS I WANTED TO GO
OUT THIS WEEKEND AND GO TEAR UP
SOME MUD, I GOTTA WAIT TWO
WEEKS.
WE CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG TO
RIDE THEM THINGS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WE"?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET ME DRIVE
ONE?
NO.
I DON'T LET JASE BORROW THINGS.
IT DOESN'T WORK OUT THAT GOOD.
LAST TIME I LET HIM BORROW MY
DIRT BIKE, I GOT BACK MORE DIRT
THAN BIKE.
THEN HE BORROWED MY CROSSBOW.
I GOT BACK A CROSS.
WHAT IF I GO GET 'EM?
YOU'D GO GET 'EM?
WHAT ARE BROTHERS FOR?
IT'S NOT ABOUT GETTING OUT OF
WORK.
IT'S ABOUT HAVING AND EXCUSE NOT
TO WORK.
ALL RIGHT, IF YOU GET 'EM,
I'LL LET YOU RIDE ONE.
LET ME TAKE ONE OF YOUR RIGS
TO GO GET 'EM.
FINE.
AND LET ME TAKE SOMEBODY WITH
ME.
TAKE A GUY WITH YOU.
DEAL.
COOL. THANK YOU.
THAT'S WHAT BROTHERS ARE FOR.
SWEET.
I LIKE THIS JASE A LOT BETTER.
HEY, LINDA.
HEY, JASE.
IF MY FACE IS ON THE
VEHICLE...
BYE, LINDA.
I SHOULD HAVE AUTOMATIC RIGHTS
TO DRIVE IT WHENEVER I WANT.
MARTIN, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT
SHIRT, MAN?
DO YOU SEE THE TOP OF MY
ARMS?
I NEED IT TO MATCH THE BOTTOM.
YEAH, I SEE 'EM.
YOUR ARMS ARE WHITE AS FLUFFY
EGG WHITES.
YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE
FRECKLES.
WELL WHY ARE TWO GUYS SITTING
THERE STARING AT MY ARMS?
AS BIG AS YA ARE, WE CAN'T
LOOK PAST YOU.
I'M GLAD Y'ALL ARE SITTING
DOWN.
I'VE BEEN TALKING TO WILLIE.
HE BOUGHT TWO ATVs AND I
VOLUNTEERED TO GO GET 'EM.
AND EVEN BETTER NEWS, HE SAID I
COULD TAKE SOMEBODY WITH ME.
All: I'M IN.
BUILDING DUCK CALLS EVERY DAY
IS BORING.
SO IF WE CAN LEAVE HERE FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS, WE'RE READY.
I'LL GO.
YOU ALL WANNA GO?
YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO ABOUT IT?
WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?
YOU'RE ALL GOING!
ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE LIKE THE MUSKETEERS.
ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR ONE,
JACK.
WHERE ARE WE HEADED?
WE'RE HEADED TO SHREVEPORT.
HEY, I AIN'T BEEN TO THE BIG
CITY IN QUITE A WHILE.
SI, SHREVEPORT'S NOT A BIG
CITY.
HEY, TO ME IT IS.
SHOOT, YEAH IT IS.
ANYTHING OVER 500 IN
POPULATION, THAT WOULD BE A BIG
CITY.
THEY TURN ON THE NIGHT LIGHTS.
NO RULES, BOYS.
IT'S PARTY TIME.
WHEN IS THIS GONNA TAKE PLACE?
NOW!
AND WHO'S GOING?
US FOUR.
DID YOU TAKE YOUR SENILE
MEDICINE TODAY?
NOPE, I SKIPPED IT TODAY,
JACK.
OH, MAN, THIS IS HEAVY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, I'M GETTING MY SERMON
READY FOR DUCK COMMANDER DAY.
I'M GONNA SAY A FEW WORDS.
DUCK COMMANDER SUNDAY IS
BASICALLY A REDNECK RENDITION OF
FEARING GOD, LOVING YOUR
NEIGHBOR AND HUNTING DUCKS.
I SAY A FEW WORDS, WE'D ALL SING
CHURCH SONGS, YOU KNOW.
EVERYONE HAS CAMO ON AND
EVERYBODY HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M FIXIN' TO MAKE THAT GIANT
JAMBALAYA.
OH, YOU'RE COOKING?
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER MORE PEOPLE
COME TO HEAR PHIL SPEAK OR TO
EAT MY JAMBALAYA.
MAYBE THE JAMBALAYA.
I CALL THEM IN WITH A DUCK
CALL, MISS KAY, AND YOU FEED
'EM.
IT'S THE ONE-TWO PUNCH.
IT'S THE ONE-TWO PUNCH.
I'M READY TO HIT THE ROAD,
JACK.
YOU SURE IT'S OKAY IF ALL OF
US GO?
NO, I'M NOT SURE.
LOOK WE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE
WITH WILLIE ANYWAY.
A ROAD TRIP WITH THE ROBERTSONS,
IT'S GOT FUN WRITTEN ALL OVER
IT, AND I DON'T KNOW OF ANY
REDNECK THAT AIN'T INTO FUN.
THAT'S THEIR MIDDLE NAME.
RED-FUN-NECK.
DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE
BEEN TRYING TO GET MY HANDS ON
THESE KEYS?
HOW LONG?
EVER SINCE HE GOT IT AND PUT
MY FACE ON IT.
"RV" TO US STANDS FOR REDNECK
VACATION.
YEP.
GUESS I'LL DO IT.
SHOTGUN.
WE'RE HEADING TOWARD THE BIG
CITY.
HEY, WE'RE FIXIN' TO HAVE A
PARTY.
I'M IN, JACK.
IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.
SI?
WHAT?
THAT SAYING WENT OUT OF STYLE
ABOUT 40 YEARS AGO.
NO, I JUST SAID IT.
IT'S BACK IN.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S BACK IN.
HOLD ON TIGHT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY
SON.
VIVA LA SHREVEPORT.
IT'S ON, BOYS.
JEP, MARTIN?
JEP, MARTIN, I NEED YOU GUYS.
HEY, LINDA, HAVE YOU SEEN ANY OF
THE GUYS?
I SEEN JASE.
HE COME THROUGH HERE, SNATCHED
UP THE RV KEYS AND HEADED OUT.
TO THE RV?
HE TOOK MY RV?
HE SNATCHED UP THE KEYS AND
WENT.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL
YOU, MISTER.
HEY, POINT THIS BIG PUPPY
WEST AND PUT THE HAMMER DOWN.
WHOO!
I DON'T KNOW WHY WILLIE DON'T
DRIVE THIS EVERY DAY.
AW, YEAH.
LET EVERYBODY KNOW.
YEP.
LET 'EM KNOW.
THE ONLY WAY TO ACHIEVE FREEDOM
IS TEAR DOWN THE WALLS.
AND RIGHT NOW, I'M THE WRECKING
BALL.
THIS IS LIKE A MAN-CATION.
NO WILLIE, LIFE ON THE OPEN
ROAD... I LIKE IT.
NEXT STOP, SHREVEPORT.
UH OH.
WHAT'S UP, WILLIE?
YOU SAID I COULD TAKE ANY
VEHICLE I WANTED.
YOU THINK I'D RIDE IN THIS RV BY
MYSELF?
WE GOT BUSTED.
YOU NEVER TOLD ME "DON'T TAKE
THE RV."
YOU'VE SAID IT BEFORE, BUT YOU
DIDN'T SAY IT TODAY.
WHATEVER.
LOSER.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT
THIS?
THE ONLY PERSON NOT HAPPY IS THE
PERSON WHO'S GETTING THE UTVs.
WILLIE'S ALL FIRED UP.
YOU'RE UPSET ON HOW I'M DOING
YOU A FAVOR?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
HATERS GONNA HATE.
THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT, JEP.
THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU COOKING?
I SMELLED IT FROM HALFWAY UP THE
ROAD.
IT'S JAMBALAYA FOR DUCK
COMMANDER SUNDAY.
MMM.
APPARENTLY, JASE TOOK ALL THE
BUMMIN' IDIOTS ON A ROAD TRIP.
TYPICAL JASE.
I LET HIM DO ONE THING AND HE
SHUTS DOWN THE ENTIRE COMPANY.
THERE'S NOT A SOUL LEFT AT THE
WAREHOUSE.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
THEY GONE.
WELL THE JOKE'S ON THEM 'CAUSE
I'M GONNA GET THE FIRST PLATE OF
MISS KAY'S JAMBALAYA.
ALL RIGHT, I NEED TO GET THE
PIROGUE, WHERE'S IT AT?
IT'S OVER IN THAT SHED
SOMEWHERE.
Y'ALL NEED TO CLEAN THIS CRAP
UP.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
FIND IT?
OH!
GOOD NIGHT!
WHAT IS WRONG?
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
THERE'S A ALLIGATOR IN THERE.
ARE YOU FOOLIN' ME?
KAY, LOOK AT THIS THING.
WHAT IS IT?
THERE'S A ALLIGATOR OUT HERE.
UNDER YOUR PIROGUE.
HOW LONG IS HE?
HE'S BIG ENOUGH.
I MEAN, THIS THING IS HUGE.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
ALLIGATORS.
THERE'S A REASON IT'S BEEN
AROUND FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS.
THAT'S THE THIRD ONE THIS
YEAR THAT'S COME UP IN THE YARD.
HE'S NOT EATIN' SALADS.
HE'S EATIN' MEAT.
HE CAN EAT YOUR FACE OFF.
I'M FIXIN' TO KILL HIM.
NO, DON'T KILL HIM.
IT AIN'T EVEN SEASON.
HE TRIED TO ATTACK ME.
WHAT DO YOU DO, WAIT TILL HE
BITES ONE OF US?
AW, YEAH, HE JUST A LITTLE
YEARLING.
I NEVER SEEN THAT MUCH
HULLABALOO OVER ONE LITTLE
FIVE-FOOT ALLIGATOR.
EVER.
AN ALLIGATOR IS LIKE A FROG.
I MEAN, GIVE ME A BREAK.
WE NEED TO JUST RUN HIM ON BACK
DOWN TO WHERE HE COME FROM.
HOW WE GONNA GET HIM OUT OF
THERE?
LET ME MULL ON THAT A LITTLE
BIT.
PHIL AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHING,
AND I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
I AIN'T GONNA LOSE A HAND OVER
MESSIN' WITH THIS GATOR.
YOU BETTER HAVE HIM GONE
WHILE I FINISH THIS JAMBALAYA.
I DON'T WANT MY GRANDKIDS
GETTING HURT.
THAT'S WHAT THE GATOR'S DOING
UP HERE.
HE'S AFTER MISS KAY'S JAMBALAYA.
I'M TELLING YOU, HE AIN'T
GETTIN' NONE OF THIS.
WE'RE HERE, BOYS.
BOOM.
THIS IS LIKE GOING CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING WITH WILLIE'S MONEY.
WHEN YOU TAKE A REDNECK AND YOU
GIVE HIM SOMETHING ON FOUR
WHEELS THAT YOU CAN DRIVE
THROUGH THE MUD, THIS IS ALMOST
LIKE SENSORY OVERLOAD.
OOH, SADDLE UP, PARTNER.
I'M LOOKING FOR THE WEIGHT LIMIT
TO MAKE SURE I DON'T TEAR
NOTHIN' UP.
IF YOU WEIGH MORE THAN THE
ATV, YOU'VE SURPASSED THE WEIGHT
LIMIT.
YEAH, I PROBABLY OUGHT TO
GET OFF THIS THEN.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING
ABOUT MARTIN... HE SUPPLIES HIS
OWN AIRBAG.
HOW CAN I HELP Y'ALL TODAY?
WILLIE ROBERTSON SENT US TO
PICK UP A COUPLE OF ATVs.
THAT IS THESE RIGHT HERE.
AW, YEAH, LOOK AT THE RIMS.
CHROME RIMS.
CHROME RIMS.
WILLIE, HE AIN'T REALLY GOT A
CLUE WHAT AN OFF-ROAD VEHICLE
IS.
YOU KNOW, CHROME RIMS...
HE'S GOT MORE SPARKLE TO IT THAN
MOST LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRLS.
WHY WOULD HE PUT THOSE ON
THERE?
THAT'S WHAT THE MAN WANTED.
IT'S TYPICAL WILLIE.
SHOWBOATING.
TELL YOU WHAT, I DIDN'T EVER
THINK ABOUT 20 MORE FEET WITH
10,000 MORE POUNDS.
OH, THIS IS GONNA BE A
NIGHTMARE.
IS THIS TURNING INTO MAYBE A
NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE?
POSSIBLY.
DOES THIS ADD TO THE ADVENTURE?
ABSOLUTELY!
THIS IS A MONSTROSITY NOW.
PEOPLE WILL EITHER GET OUT OF
OUR WAY OR GET RUN OVER.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
SI, YOU GOT A BIG TRAILER ON
THERE NOW.
IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.
PHIL, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE
GONNA DO?
WANT ME TO CALL WILDLIFE
PROFESSIONALS TO COME AND GET
IT?
ARE YOU NUTS?
NO.
YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL A BUNCH
OF GAME WARDENS TO COME ROLLING
IN DOWN HERE FOR ONE LITTLE
GATOR.
HE AIN'T HURTIN' ANYTHING.
YOU CALL A GAME WARDEN, YOU'RE
PROBABLY GONNA GET STUCK FOR
SOMETHING.
RECKLESS LOOKING WITH INTENT TO
KILL.
BOMP, $250.
KAY, I'M TAKIN' MY BOAT AND
I'M GETTIN' OUT OF HERE.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM.
HE'S NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING.
OH, YOU SUCKER!
I DON'T KNOW HOW I GET IN THESE
SITUATIONS.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK.
I END UP DOWN HERE TURNING INTO,
LIKE, CROCODILE HUNTER.
IT'S NOT EVEN MY HOUSE.
I'VE GOTTA SIT OUT HERE ALL
AFTERNOON AND MAKE THAT
JAMBALAYA.
HE'S 40 YARDS AWAY FROM YOU.
HE AIN'T GONNA MESS WITH YOU.
YOU DON'T KNOW HE WON'T COME
OVER THERE.
HE MIGHT BE HUNGRY.
WE GOTTA GET RID OF... AAH!
GOOD LORD.
MM-HMM.
YEAH, YOU GONNA LEAVE ME WITH
THAT?
I MEAN, I CLEANED HIS DIAPERS.
GREAT PROTECTOR OF YOUR MOTHER.
AND THEN HE'S GONNA LEAVE HIS
MOM?
JUST LEAVE HER HELPLESS?
HEY, HEY, EVERYBODY CALM
DOWN.
YOU CALM DOWN.
IF YOU ALL LEAVE HIM ALONE,
I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM IN A
LITTLE BIT.
GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
EASY, EASY.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
STAND RIGHT THERE AND DIVERT
HIS ATTENTION.
NO, YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND.
GO ON, GET. OH!
WILLIE AND THE GATOR.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE A COUNTRY AND
WESTERN SONG, YOU KNOW?
GRAB HIM BY HIS TAIL AND DRAG
HIM BACKWARDS.
BACK OUT THE OTHER WAY.
IT WAS A COMEDY.
A COMEDY OF ERRORS.
UH-OH, HE'S BITTEN THE
PIROGUE.
OH, NO.
I'LL GET OVER THERE AND GET
HIM IN A LITTLE BIT.
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
DUCK.
OH, THERE WE GO.
I'M GETTIN' OUT OF HERE.
"LOCAL CHUBBY WOMAN EATEN BY
ALLIGATOR."
I'M STARVING.
SI, GET ME SOMETHING TO EAT.
I'M HUNGRY.
LET ME GET BACK THERE AND SEE
IF THEY GOT ANYTHING I CAN COOK
WITH.
HEY, I AM THE MACGYVER OF
COOKING, BOYS.
IF YOU BRING ME A PIECE OF
BREAD, CABBAGE, COCONUT, MUSTARD
GREENS, PIG'S FEET, PINE
CONES...
AND A WOODPECKER, I WILL MAKE
YOU A GOOD CHICKEN POT PIE.
WHAT YOU GOT, SI?
SO FAR, I'VE FOUND PORK AND
BEANS.
PORK AND BEANS.
PORK AND BEANS.
SPAM.
YOU HAD ME, THEN YOU LOST ME.
HOT SAUCE.
HOT SAUCE, I'M BACK IN.
HEY, THAT'S GOOD.
MY VIETNAM SPECIAL IS JUST
LIKE MY WOMEN.
YEP, IT'S GETTIN' THERE NOW,
BOYS.
HOT, SWEET, AND THEN EXTRA
SPICY.
THAT'S MY SPECIAL 'NAM SURPRISE.
THAT SMELLS HOT.
IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
YEAH, IT'S GOOD, SI.
IT'S GOOD?
REAL GOOD.
WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY, I THINK YOU
LOSE YOUR SENSE OF CAUTION.
BECAUSE NOW, I'M ACTUALLY EATING
SOMETHING THAT SI PREPARED?
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG
WHEN I FELT A HEAT KINDA
COME OVER MY BODY.
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
OH!
I FEEL LIKE IT'S A HORROR
SHOW IN MY INTESTINES.
YOU KNOW THAT WHATEVER'S FIXIN'
TO HAPPEN IS NOT GOOD.
IT'S STARTING TO SMELL LIKE
SOMETHING DIED IN HERE.
Y'ALL CAN'T HANDLE YOUR BEANS.
YEAH, DIDN'T THINK ABOUT
THAT.
I SHOULD HAVE KNEW BETTER
THAN TO GIVE THESE BOYS MY
VIETNAM SPECIAL.
'CAUSE HEY, THIS THING HAS
LITERALLY BACKFIRED ON ME.
BIG TIME.
GOODNESS, BOYS.
MARTIN IS TURNING A SHADE OF
GREEN THAT I KNOW MEANS TROUBLE.
I MAY BE ABOUT TO HAVE TO
PULL OVER AND USE THE
FACILITIES.
WHEN A MAN THE SIZE OF MARTIN
BECOMES COMBUSTIBLE, OH, THAT'S
A DANGEROUS SITUATION.
I GOTTA GO.
I REALIZE WHEN I SEE MARTIN
MAKING HIS MOVE TO THE PORTABLE
RESTROOM THAT WHATEVER IDEA I
HAD OF USING THAT THE REST OF
THE TRIP, IT'S GONE.
HE'S FIXIN' TO GONNA HURT
THAT BATHROOM, JASE.
OH, WOW.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T HELP BUT
FEEL SORRY FOR THAT BATHROOM.
WHOO.
YOU JUST THOUGHT THE ENTRANCE
WAS HOT.
HEY, OPEN A WINDOW, JEP.
WHOA!
I CAN TAKE MOST SMELLS.
WHATEVER HE ATE WAS DEAD.
BUT WHEN IT STARTS BURNING MY
EYES...
EVERYTHING WE EAT IS DEAD.
YEAH, BUT HEY, THAT SUCKER'S
BEEN DEAD FOR A WHILE.
NO, IT'S TIME TO LEAVE THIS
AREA.
PULL THIS SUCKER OVER SOMEWHERE.
WHY?
I'M FIXIN' TO PUKE, BOY.
I'M GETTING OUT OF THIS THING.
GOODNESS.
IF YOU'VE EVER RUN UP ON, LIKE,
A DEAD COW THAT'S BEEN DEAD FOR,
LIKE, A MONTH, THAT'S ABOUT
WHAT'S COMING OUT OF THE RV.
WHOA.
FRESH AIR.
GOODNESS.
HE BETTER GET BACK IN.
WE GOTTA GO, MAN.
I'M CHECKING ON HIM.
THAT OLD FART.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY, I AIN'T RIDIN' IN THERE
NO MORE.
YOU'RE GONNA RIDE IN THAT?
I'M GONNA RIDE IN HERE, BABY.
I'M GOOD TO GO.
Y'ALL TAKE OFF.
HEY, I'M NOT GETTING BACK IN
THAT RV.
I GUESS I WOULD GO BACK IN
THERE IF SOMEONE HAS A GUN ON
ME.
"GET BACK IN THE RV OR I'M GONNA
SHOOT YOU."
I MIGHT GO BACK IN THERE THEN.
HEY, HOLD ON, SI.
GOODNESS.
IS THAT AGAINST THE LAW?
NAH.
I WOULD SAY STUPID?
YES.
YOU CAN'T SPELL STUPID
WITHOUT "S-I"
THAT IS AN EXCELLENT POINT.
YOU'VE GOT TO GET THE
ALLIGATOR OUT OF HERE.
THERE'S NO WAY TO GET HIM
OUT.
HE'S BITTEN EVERYTHING I'VE PUT
IN THERE.
WELL MAYBE THAT'S A SIGN HE'S
HUNGRY.
GET SOME OF THEM OLD CHICKEN
PARTS RIGHT THERE.
OH, YEAH.
I GOT A PLAN, KAY.
I'M GOING IN.
I'VE NEVER TRIED THAT
PARTICULAR MANEUVER.
YOU HUNGRY?
LITTLE OLD SAUSAGE.
OH.
GET HIM OUT THERE, WILL.
AH.
I ALWAYS FIGURED A MAN'S NOT
TOO FAR FROM A CHICKEN.
YOU WANT IT?
HE GOES TO EATING, YOU MIGHT
BE PART OF THE MEAL BEFORE IT'S
OVER SO...
COME ON, WHO'S HUNGRY?
I'M THINKING, NO.
YOU LIKE?
OH, YEAH, HE'S THINKING "OH,
YEAH."
COME ON.
OH, WHOA, HERE WE GO.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ON PART
ONE.
HE BIT THE CHICKEN.
OH, I GOT HIM!
PART TWO?
I DON'T KNOW.
NOW YOU GOT SOMETHING GOING.
HE LIKES CHICKEN.
UH-OH.
HE ATE THE CHICKEN.
HE'S MAKING A MOVE.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
PERFECT.
AW, NOW HE'S ROLLING.
DOING A DEATH ROLL ON ME.
AH!
KEEP GOING.
HE'S GONE, KAY.
HEY, PHIL, THANKS FOR THE HELP.
COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT
YOU.
BUT I DID.
THAT WAS GOOD WORK.
THANK YOU.
I WISH THIS GATOR WAS IN
SEASON.
I COULD MAKE GATOR BALLS.
I LOVE GATOR BALLS.
YEAH.
DELICIOUS.
SI'S PONYTAIL IS FLAPPING IN
THE WIND.
HE GOT HIS LITTLE RAT TAIL
GOING.
THE SMELL ASIDE, WE'VE HAD
A MUCH-NEEDED GETAWAY.
UP TILL THIS POINT, IT'S BEEN
GREAT.
YOU THINK HE SAW SI BACK
THERE?
I GUESS WE FOUND OUT THE
ANSWER TO OUR QUESTION EARLIER.
IF IT WAS LEGAL OR NOT.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
HE'S RIGHT UP AT THE
TRAILERS.
I GUESS HE'S TALKING TO SI.
IS THIS AGAINST THE LAW?
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I HAVE A REAL
GOOD EXCUSE FOR BEING BACK HERE.
OH, NO.
THIS AIN'T GONNA END GOOD.
EVEN THOUGH I'M THE LEADER OF
THIS OUTFIT, I'M NOT GOING DOWN
ON THIS ONE.
THE MAN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS
MR. VIETNAM VET OUT THERE.
HEY, Y'ALL HOLD UP.
STOP RIGHT THERE.
YOU, STEP DOWN ONTO THE CEMENT.
DON'T MOVE.
RAISE YOUR HANDS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE ME GO
BACK IN THAT RV ARE YOU?
HEY, HE'S THE ONE THAT COOKED
IT.
I WAS COOKIN' THE VIETNAM
SPECIAL.
IS THAT WHAT THAT SMELL IS?
THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT
SMELL YOU'RE
GOIN... THAT'S WHY I
WAS RIDIN' BACK THERE.
I SAW THIS DOG HEADED TOWARD
THAT RV AND I THOUGHT, OH, MY
GOODNESS.
THIS COULD BE THE END OF THIS
DOG'S CAREER.
OKAY.
SIR, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET
BACK IN THERE WITH THEM AND GO
HOME.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
SI, YOU'D LIKED TO GET YOUR
BUTT THROWN IN JAIL.
ALL RIGHT, CRACK THE WINDOWS AND
LETS GET OUT OF HERE.
I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S REST.
AND GET UP FOR DUCK COMMANDER
SUNDAY.
GET ME AWAY FROM THESE GUYS.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WUSSIES
COULDN'T HANDLE A LITTLE
JALEPENO PEPPER.
THANK YOU FATHER, FOR BEING
THERE FOR US.
I PRAY FOR EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM
AND THAT THEY WOULD ENJOY A
LOVING, PEACE-FILLED LIFE WHILE
THEY'RE ON THE PLANET.
AMEN.
All: AMEN.
THE BIBLE SAYS TO BE SLOW TO
ANGER AND QUICK TO FORGIVE,
WHICH IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER
ESPECIALLY WITH MY FAMILY.
WE MAY BE A LITTLE HESITANT AT
FIRST, BUT ONE THING WE DO WELL
IS TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN.
WHETHER IT'S SAVING KAY FROM AN
ENORMOUS MAN-EATING GATOR OR
LETTING THE GUYS BORROW MY RV
FOR A ROAD TRIP, THE ROBERTSONS
ALWAYS COME THROUGH FOR ONE
ANOTHER.
EVEN IF IT IS AS SIMPLE AS
FORGIVING.
HEY, WILLIE, SORRY ABOUT THAT
SMELL IN YOUR RV.
I FORGIVE YOU.
REALLY?
NO!
---
WASHIN' THE OLD RV, ARE WE?
GIVIN' HER A LITTLE BATH.
YOU PLANNING ON TAKING IT
SOMEWHERE?
NAH, I'M JUST WASHING IT.
IT'S LIKE YOU, HUH?
YOU TAKE A BATH ONCE A WEEK... I
WASH MY RV ONCE A WEEK.
OKAY, WE HAVE SOMETHING IN
COMMON.
IT'S A SHOWPIECE.
CHEAP ADVERTISING, MAN.
I GOT A MOVEABLE BILLBOARD RIGHT
HERE.
TAKE IT ANYWHERE.
WHEN YOU GONNA LET ME TAKE
IT?
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE
THIS THING.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
JASE ALWAYS WANTS TO PLAY
WITH MY STUFF.
GO BUY YOUR OWN STUFF.
JASE, I WOULD NEVER LET YOU
DRIVE THIS.
WHATCHA TALKIN' ABOUT, IT'S
GOT MY FACE ON IT.
THAT MEANS I GET A KEY.
NO.
WHY DON'T YOU COOL OFF AND GO
MAKE SOME DUCK CALLS?
THERE YOU GO.
LOOK, IT'S RAINING.
ALL RIGHT, I THINK I WILL.
GO WORK.
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE BROTHER.
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE EMPLOYEE.
GET IN THERE AND DO SOME WORK.
MEET THE ROBERTSON CLAN.
THEY TURN DUCK CALLS...
INTO A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
EMPIRE.
BUT RUNNING A FAMILY BUSINESS IS
TOUGH WHEN THE FAMILY JUST WANTS
TO RUN WILD.
WHOO!
♪ YOU BEEN WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ THE BLOOD THAT YOU'RE ♪
♪ BORN IN IS SWEATIN' ♪
♪ YOU BEEN WORKING AND SLAVING ♪
♪ YOU'RE WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, BYE.
WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
I JUST BOUGHT TWO SWEET
POLARIS UTVs.
REALLY?
THEY'RE SWEET.
I'D LIKE TO SEE 'EM.
GAH-DANG IT, THEY'RE SO
SWEET.
THAT LOOKS LIKE A MAD SPIDER.
SWEET.
I CAN SEE IT NOW... MUD ON MY
BOOTS, WIND IN MY BEARD.
ME AND THESE ATVs FIT TOGETHER
LIKE A HAND AND GLOVE.
LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.
LIKE DARRYL HALL AND THAT OTHER
DUDE... WITH A MUSTACHE.
THE PROBLEM IS I WANTED TO GO
OUT THIS WEEKEND AND GO TEAR UP
SOME MUD, I GOTTA WAIT TWO
WEEKS.
WE CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG TO
RIDE THEM THINGS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WE"?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET ME DRIVE
ONE?
NO.
I DON'T LET JASE BORROW THINGS.
IT DOESN'T WORK OUT THAT GOOD.
LAST TIME I LET HIM BORROW MY
DIRT BIKE, I GOT BACK MORE DIRT
THAN BIKE.
THEN HE BORROWED MY CROSSBOW.
I GOT BACK A CROSS.
WHAT IF I GO GET 'EM?
YOU'D GO GET 'EM?
WHAT ARE BROTHERS FOR?
IT'S NOT ABOUT GETTING OUT OF
WORK.
IT'S ABOUT HAVING AND EXCUSE NOT
TO WORK.
ALL RIGHT, IF YOU GET 'EM,
I'LL LET YOU RIDE ONE.
LET ME TAKE ONE OF YOUR RIGS
TO GO GET 'EM.
FINE.
AND LET ME TAKE SOMEBODY WITH
ME.
TAKE A GUY WITH YOU.
DEAL.
COOL. THANK YOU.
THAT'S WHAT BROTHERS ARE FOR.
SWEET.
I LIKE THIS JASE A LOT BETTER.
HEY, LINDA.
HEY, JASE.
IF MY FACE IS ON THE
VEHICLE...
BYE, LINDA.
I SHOULD HAVE AUTOMATIC RIGHTS
TO DRIVE IT WHENEVER I WANT.
MARTIN, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT
SHIRT, MAN?
DO YOU SEE THE TOP OF MY
ARMS?
I NEED IT TO MATCH THE BOTTOM.
YEAH, I SEE 'EM.
YOUR ARMS ARE WHITE AS FLUFFY
EGG WHITES.
YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE
FRECKLES.
WELL WHY ARE TWO GUYS SITTING
THERE STARING AT MY ARMS?
AS BIG AS YA ARE, WE CAN'T
LOOK PAST YOU.
I'M GLAD Y'ALL ARE SITTING
DOWN.
I'VE BEEN TALKING TO WILLIE.
HE BOUGHT TWO ATVs AND I
VOLUNTEERED TO GO GET 'EM.
AND EVEN BETTER NEWS, HE SAID I
COULD TAKE SOMEBODY WITH ME.
All: I'M IN.
BUILDING DUCK CALLS EVERY DAY
IS BORING.
SO IF WE CAN LEAVE HERE FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS, WE'RE READY.
I'LL GO.
YOU ALL WANNA GO?
YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO ABOUT IT?
WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?
YOU'RE ALL GOING!
ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE LIKE THE MUSKETEERS.
ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR ONE,
JACK.
WHERE ARE WE HEADED?
WE'RE HEADED TO SHREVEPORT.
HEY, I AIN'T BEEN TO THE BIG
CITY IN QUITE A WHILE.
SI, SHREVEPORT'S NOT A BIG
CITY.
HEY, TO ME IT IS.
SHOOT, YEAH IT IS.
ANYTHING OVER 500 IN
POPULATION, THAT WOULD BE A BIG
CITY.
THEY TURN ON THE NIGHT LIGHTS.
NO RULES, BOYS.
IT'S PARTY TIME.
WHEN IS THIS GONNA TAKE PLACE?
NOW!
AND WHO'S GOING?
US FOUR.
DID YOU TAKE YOUR SENILE
MEDICINE TODAY?
NOPE, I SKIPPED IT TODAY,
JACK.
OH, MAN, THIS IS HEAVY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, I'M GETTING MY SERMON
READY FOR DUCK COMMANDER DAY.
I'M GONNA SAY A FEW WORDS.
DUCK COMMANDER SUNDAY IS
BASICALLY A REDNECK RENDITION OF
FEARING GOD, LOVING YOUR
NEIGHBOR AND HUNTING DUCKS.
I SAY A FEW WORDS, WE'D ALL SING
CHURCH SONGS, YOU KNOW.
EVERYONE HAS CAMO ON AND
EVERYBODY HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M FIXIN' TO MAKE THAT GIANT
JAMBALAYA.
OH, YOU'RE COOKING?
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER MORE PEOPLE
COME TO HEAR PHIL SPEAK OR TO
EAT MY JAMBALAYA.
MAYBE THE JAMBALAYA.
I CALL THEM IN WITH A DUCK
CALL, MISS KAY, AND YOU FEED
'EM.
IT'S THE ONE-TWO PUNCH.
IT'S THE ONE-TWO PUNCH.
I'M READY TO HIT THE ROAD,
JACK.
YOU SURE IT'S OKAY IF ALL OF
US GO?
NO, I'M NOT SURE.
LOOK WE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE
WITH WILLIE ANYWAY.
A ROAD TRIP WITH THE ROBERTSONS,
IT'S GOT FUN WRITTEN ALL OVER
IT, AND I DON'T KNOW OF ANY
REDNECK THAT AIN'T INTO FUN.
THAT'S THEIR MIDDLE NAME.
RED-FUN-NECK.
DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE
BEEN TRYING TO GET MY HANDS ON
THESE KEYS?
HOW LONG?
EVER SINCE HE GOT IT AND PUT
MY FACE ON IT.
"RV" TO US STANDS FOR REDNECK
VACATION.
YEP.
GUESS I'LL DO IT.
SHOTGUN.
WE'RE HEADING TOWARD THE BIG
CITY.
HEY, WE'RE FIXIN' TO HAVE A
PARTY.
I'M IN, JACK.
IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.
SI?
WHAT?
THAT SAYING WENT OUT OF STYLE
ABOUT 40 YEARS AGO.
NO, I JUST SAID IT.
IT'S BACK IN.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S BACK IN.
HOLD ON TIGHT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY
SON.
VIVA LA SHREVEPORT.
IT'S ON, BOYS.
JEP, MARTIN?
JEP, MARTIN, I NEED YOU GUYS.
HEY, LINDA, HAVE YOU SEEN ANY OF
THE GUYS?
I SEEN JASE.
HE COME THROUGH HERE, SNATCHED
UP THE RV KEYS AND HEADED OUT.
TO THE RV?
HE TOOK MY RV?
HE SNATCHED UP THE KEYS AND
WENT.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL
YOU, MISTER.
HEY, POINT THIS BIG PUPPY
WEST AND PUT THE HAMMER DOWN.
WHOO!
I DON'T KNOW WHY WILLIE DON'T
DRIVE THIS EVERY DAY.
AW, YEAH.
LET EVERYBODY KNOW.
YEP.
LET 'EM KNOW.
THE ONLY WAY TO ACHIEVE FREEDOM
IS TEAR DOWN THE WALLS.
AND RIGHT NOW, I'M THE WRECKING
BALL.
THIS IS LIKE A MAN-CATION.
NO WILLIE, LIFE ON THE OPEN
ROAD... I LIKE IT.
NEXT STOP, SHREVEPORT.
UH OH.
WHAT'S UP, WILLIE?
YOU SAID I COULD TAKE ANY
VEHICLE I WANTED.
YOU THINK I'D RIDE IN THIS RV BY
MYSELF?
WE GOT BUSTED.
YOU NEVER TOLD ME "DON'T TAKE
THE RV."
YOU'VE SAID IT BEFORE, BUT YOU
DIDN'T SAY IT TODAY.
WHATEVER.
LOSER.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT
THIS?
THE ONLY PERSON NOT HAPPY IS THE
PERSON WHO'S GETTING THE UTVs.
WILLIE'S ALL FIRED UP.
YOU'RE UPSET ON HOW I'M DOING
YOU A FAVOR?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
HATERS GONNA HATE.
THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT, JEP.
THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU COOKING?
I SMELLED IT FROM HALFWAY UP THE
ROAD.
IT'S JAMBALAYA FOR DUCK
COMMANDER SUNDAY.
MMM.
APPARENTLY, JASE TOOK ALL THE
BUMMIN' IDIOTS ON A ROAD TRIP.
TYPICAL JASE.
I LET HIM DO ONE THING AND HE
SHUTS DOWN THE ENTIRE COMPANY.
THERE'S NOT A SOUL LEFT AT THE
WAREHOUSE.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
THEY GONE.
WELL THE JOKE'S ON THEM 'CAUSE
I'M GONNA GET THE FIRST PLATE OF
MISS KAY'S JAMBALAYA.
ALL RIGHT, I NEED TO GET THE
PIROGUE, WHERE'S IT AT?
IT'S OVER IN THAT SHED
SOMEWHERE.
Y'ALL NEED TO CLEAN THIS CRAP
UP.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
FIND IT?
OH!
GOOD NIGHT!
WHAT IS WRONG?
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
THERE'S A ALLIGATOR IN THERE.
ARE YOU FOOLIN' ME?
KAY, LOOK AT THIS THING.
WHAT IS IT?
THERE'S A ALLIGATOR OUT HERE.
UNDER YOUR PIROGUE.
HOW LONG IS HE?
HE'S BIG ENOUGH.
I MEAN, THIS THING IS HUGE.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
ALLIGATORS.
THERE'S A REASON IT'S BEEN
AROUND FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS.
THAT'S THE THIRD ONE THIS
YEAR THAT'S COME UP IN THE YARD.
HE'S NOT EATIN' SALADS.
HE'S EATIN' MEAT.
HE CAN EAT YOUR FACE OFF.
I'M FIXIN' TO KILL HIM.
NO, DON'T KILL HIM.
IT AIN'T EVEN SEASON.
HE TRIED TO ATTACK ME.
WHAT DO YOU DO, WAIT TILL HE
BITES ONE OF US?
AW, YEAH, HE JUST A LITTLE
YEARLING.
I NEVER SEEN THAT MUCH
HULLABALOO OVER ONE LITTLE
FIVE-FOOT ALLIGATOR.
EVER.
AN ALLIGATOR IS LIKE A FROG.
I MEAN, GIVE ME A BREAK.
WE NEED TO JUST RUN HIM ON BACK
DOWN TO WHERE HE COME FROM.
HOW WE GONNA GET HIM OUT OF
THERE?
LET ME MULL ON THAT A LITTLE
BIT.
PHIL AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHING,
AND I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
I AIN'T GONNA LOSE A HAND OVER
MESSIN' WITH THIS GATOR.
YOU BETTER HAVE HIM GONE
WHILE I FINISH THIS JAMBALAYA.
I DON'T WANT MY GRANDKIDS
GETTING HURT.
THAT'S WHAT THE GATOR'S DOING
UP HERE.
HE'S AFTER MISS KAY'S JAMBALAYA.
I'M TELLING YOU, HE AIN'T
GETTIN' NONE OF THIS.
WE'RE HERE, BOYS.
BOOM.
THIS IS LIKE GOING CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING WITH WILLIE'S MONEY.
WHEN YOU TAKE A REDNECK AND YOU
GIVE HIM SOMETHING ON FOUR
WHEELS THAT YOU CAN DRIVE
THROUGH THE MUD, THIS IS ALMOST
LIKE SENSORY OVERLOAD.
OOH, SADDLE UP, PARTNER.
I'M LOOKING FOR THE WEIGHT LIMIT
TO MAKE SURE I DON'T TEAR
NOTHIN' UP.
IF YOU WEIGH MORE THAN THE
ATV, YOU'VE SURPASSED THE WEIGHT
LIMIT.
YEAH, I PROBABLY OUGHT TO
GET OFF THIS THEN.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING
ABOUT MARTIN... HE SUPPLIES HIS
OWN AIRBAG.
HOW CAN I HELP Y'ALL TODAY?
WILLIE ROBERTSON SENT US TO
PICK UP A COUPLE OF ATVs.
THAT IS THESE RIGHT HERE.
AW, YEAH, LOOK AT THE RIMS.
CHROME RIMS.
CHROME RIMS.
WILLIE, HE AIN'T REALLY GOT A
CLUE WHAT AN OFF-ROAD VEHICLE
IS.
YOU KNOW, CHROME RIMS...
HE'S GOT MORE SPARKLE TO IT THAN
MOST LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRLS.
WHY WOULD HE PUT THOSE ON
THERE?
THAT'S WHAT THE MAN WANTED.
IT'S TYPICAL WILLIE.
SHOWBOATING.
TELL YOU WHAT, I DIDN'T EVER
THINK ABOUT 20 MORE FEET WITH
10,000 MORE POUNDS.
OH, THIS IS GONNA BE A
NIGHTMARE.
IS THIS TURNING INTO MAYBE A
NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE?
POSSIBLY.
DOES THIS ADD TO THE ADVENTURE?
ABSOLUTELY!
THIS IS A MONSTROSITY NOW.
PEOPLE WILL EITHER GET OUT OF
OUR WAY OR GET RUN OVER.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
SI, YOU GOT A BIG TRAILER ON
THERE NOW.
IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.
PHIL, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE
GONNA DO?
WANT ME TO CALL WILDLIFE
PROFESSIONALS TO COME AND GET
IT?
ARE YOU NUTS?
NO.
YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL A BUNCH
OF GAME WARDENS TO COME ROLLING
IN DOWN HERE FOR ONE LITTLE
GATOR.
HE AIN'T HURTIN' ANYTHING.
YOU CALL A GAME WARDEN, YOU'RE
PROBABLY GONNA GET STUCK FOR
SOMETHING.
RECKLESS LOOKING WITH INTENT TO
KILL.
BOMP, $250.
KAY, I'M TAKIN' MY BOAT AND
I'M GETTIN' OUT OF HERE.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM.
HE'S NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING.
OH, YOU SUCKER!
I DON'T KNOW HOW I GET IN THESE
SITUATIONS.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK.
I END UP DOWN HERE TURNING INTO,
LIKE, CROCODILE HUNTER.
IT'S NOT EVEN MY HOUSE.
I'VE GOTTA SIT OUT HERE ALL
AFTERNOON AND MAKE THAT
JAMBALAYA.
HE'S 40 YARDS AWAY FROM YOU.
HE AIN'T GONNA MESS WITH YOU.
YOU DON'T KNOW HE WON'T COME
OVER THERE.
HE MIGHT BE HUNGRY.
WE GOTTA GET RID OF... AAH!
GOOD LORD.
MM-HMM.
YEAH, YOU GONNA LEAVE ME WITH
THAT?
I MEAN, I CLEANED HIS DIAPERS.
GREAT PROTECTOR OF YOUR MOTHER.
AND THEN HE'S GONNA LEAVE HIS
MOM?
JUST LEAVE HER HELPLESS?
HEY, HEY, EVERYBODY CALM
DOWN.
YOU CALM DOWN.
IF YOU ALL LEAVE HIM ALONE,
I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM IN A
LITTLE BIT.
GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
EASY, EASY.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
STAND RIGHT THERE AND DIVERT
HIS ATTENTION.
NO, YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND.
GO ON, GET. OH!
WILLIE AND THE GATOR.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE A COUNTRY AND
WESTERN SONG, YOU KNOW?
GRAB HIM BY HIS TAIL AND DRAG
HIM BACKWARDS.
BACK OUT THE OTHER WAY.
IT WAS A COMEDY.
A COMEDY OF ERRORS.
UH-OH, HE'S BITTEN THE
PIROGUE.
OH, NO.
I'LL GET OVER THERE AND GET
HIM IN A LITTLE BIT.
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
DUCK.
OH, THERE WE GO.
I'M GETTIN' OUT OF HERE.
"LOCAL CHUBBY WOMAN EATEN BY
ALLIGATOR."
I'M STARVING.
SI, GET ME SOMETHING TO EAT.
I'M HUNGRY.
LET ME GET BACK THERE AND SEE
IF THEY GOT ANYTHING I CAN COOK
WITH.
HEY, I AM THE MACGYVER OF
COOKING, BOYS.
IF YOU BRING ME A PIECE OF
BREAD, CABBAGE, COCONUT, MUSTARD
GREENS, PIG'S FEET, PINE
CONES...
AND A WOODPECKER, I WILL MAKE
YOU A GOOD CHICKEN POT PIE.
WHAT YOU GOT, SI?
SO FAR, I'VE FOUND PORK AND
BEANS.
PORK AND BEANS.
PORK AND BEANS.
SPAM.
YOU HAD ME, THEN YOU LOST ME.
HOT SAUCE.
HOT SAUCE, I'M BACK IN.
HEY, THAT'S GOOD.
MY VIETNAM SPECIAL IS JUST
LIKE MY WOMEN.
YEP, IT'S GETTIN' THERE NOW,
BOYS.
HOT, SWEET, AND THEN EXTRA
SPICY.
THAT'S MY SPECIAL 'NAM SURPRISE.
THAT SMELLS HOT.
IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
YEAH, IT'S GOOD, SI.
IT'S GOOD?
REAL GOOD.
WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY, I THINK YOU
LOSE YOUR SENSE OF CAUTION.
BECAUSE NOW, I'M ACTUALLY EATING
SOMETHING THAT SI PREPARED?
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG
WHEN I FELT A HEAT KINDA
COME OVER MY BODY.
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
OH!
I FEEL LIKE IT'S A HORROR
SHOW IN MY INTESTINES.
YOU KNOW THAT WHATEVER'S FIXIN'
TO HAPPEN IS NOT GOOD.
IT'S STARTING TO SMELL LIKE
SOMETHING DIED IN HERE.
Y'ALL CAN'T HANDLE YOUR BEANS.
YEAH, DIDN'T THINK ABOUT
THAT.
I SHOULD HAVE KNEW BETTER
THAN TO GIVE THESE BOYS MY
VIETNAM SPECIAL.
'CAUSE HEY, THIS THING HAS
LITERALLY BACKFIRED ON ME.
BIG TIME.
GOODNESS, BOYS.
MARTIN IS TURNING A SHADE OF
GREEN THAT I KNOW MEANS TROUBLE.
I MAY BE ABOUT TO HAVE TO
PULL OVER AND USE THE
FACILITIES.
WHEN A MAN THE SIZE OF MARTIN
BECOMES COMBUSTIBLE, OH, THAT'S
A DANGEROUS SITUATION.
I GOTTA GO.
I REALIZE WHEN I SEE MARTIN
MAKING HIS MOVE TO THE PORTABLE
RESTROOM THAT WHATEVER IDEA I
HAD OF USING THAT THE REST OF
THE TRIP, IT'S GONE.
HE'S FIXIN' TO GONNA HURT
THAT BATHROOM, JASE.
OH, WOW.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T HELP BUT
FEEL SORRY FOR THAT BATHROOM.
WHOO.
YOU JUST THOUGHT THE ENTRANCE
WAS HOT.
HEY, OPEN A WINDOW, JEP.
WHOA!
I CAN TAKE MOST SMELLS.
WHATEVER HE ATE WAS DEAD.
BUT WHEN IT STARTS BURNING MY
EYES...
EVERYTHING WE EAT IS DEAD.
YEAH, BUT HEY, THAT SUCKER'S
BEEN DEAD FOR A WHILE.
NO, IT'S TIME TO LEAVE THIS
AREA.
PULL THIS SUCKER OVER SOMEWHERE.
WHY?
I'M FIXIN' TO PUKE, BOY.
I'M GETTING OUT OF THIS THING.
GOODNESS.
IF YOU'VE EVER RUN UP ON, LIKE,
A DEAD COW THAT'S BEEN DEAD FOR,
LIKE, A MONTH, THAT'S ABOUT
WHAT'S COMING OUT OF THE RV.
WHOA.
FRESH AIR.
GOODNESS.
HE BETTER GET BACK IN.
WE GOTTA GO, MAN.
I'M CHECKING ON HIM.
THAT OLD FART.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY, I AIN'T RIDIN' IN THERE
NO MORE.
YOU'RE GONNA RIDE IN THAT?
I'M GONNA RIDE IN HERE, BABY.
I'M GOOD TO GO.
Y'ALL TAKE OFF.
HEY, I'M NOT GETTING BACK IN
THAT RV.
I GUESS I WOULD GO BACK IN
THERE IF SOMEONE HAS A GUN ON
ME.
"GET BACK IN THE RV OR I'M GONNA
SHOOT YOU."
I MIGHT GO BACK IN THERE THEN.
HEY, HOLD ON, SI.
GOODNESS.
IS THAT AGAINST THE LAW?
NAH.
I WOULD SAY STUPID?
YES.
YOU CAN'T SPELL STUPID
WITHOUT "S-I"
THAT IS AN EXCELLENT POINT.
YOU'VE GOT TO GET THE
ALLIGATOR OUT OF HERE.
THERE'S NO WAY TO GET HIM
OUT.
HE'S BITTEN EVERYTHING I'VE PUT
IN THERE.
WELL MAYBE THAT'S A SIGN HE'S
HUNGRY.
GET SOME OF THEM OLD CHICKEN
PARTS RIGHT THERE.
OH, YEAH.
I GOT A PLAN, KAY.
I'M GOING IN.
I'VE NEVER TRIED THAT
PARTICULAR MANEUVER.
YOU HUNGRY?
LITTLE OLD SAUSAGE.
OH.
GET HIM OUT THERE, WILL.
AH.
I ALWAYS FIGURED A MAN'S NOT
TOO FAR FROM A CHICKEN.
YOU WANT IT?
HE GOES TO EATING, YOU MIGHT
BE PART OF THE MEAL BEFORE IT'S
OVER SO...
COME ON, WHO'S HUNGRY?
I'M THINKING, NO.
YOU LIKE?
OH, YEAH, HE'S THINKING "OH,
YEAH."
COME ON.
OH, WHOA, HERE WE GO.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ON PART
ONE.
HE BIT THE CHICKEN.
OH, I GOT HIM!
PART TWO?
I DON'T KNOW.
NOW YOU GOT SOMETHING GOING.
HE LIKES CHICKEN.
UH-OH.
HE ATE THE CHICKEN.
HE'S MAKING A MOVE.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
PERFECT.
AW, NOW HE'S ROLLING.
DOING A DEATH ROLL ON ME.
AH!
KEEP GOING.
HE'S GONE, KAY.
HEY, PHIL, THANKS FOR THE HELP.
COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT
YOU.
BUT I DID.
THAT WAS GOOD WORK.
THANK YOU.
I WISH THIS GATOR WAS IN
SEASON.
I COULD MAKE GATOR BALLS.
I LOVE GATOR BALLS.
YEAH.
DELICIOUS.
SI'S PONYTAIL IS FLAPPING IN
THE WIND.
HE GOT HIS LITTLE RAT TAIL
GOING.
THE SMELL ASIDE, WE'VE HAD
A MUCH-NEEDED GETAWAY.
UP TILL THIS POINT, IT'S BEEN
GREAT.
YOU THINK HE SAW SI BACK
THERE?
I GUESS WE FOUND OUT THE
ANSWER TO OUR QUESTION EARLIER.
IF IT WAS LEGAL OR NOT.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
HE'S RIGHT UP AT THE
TRAILERS.
I GUESS HE'S TALKING TO SI.
IS THIS AGAINST THE LAW?
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I HAVE A REAL
GOOD EXCUSE FOR BEING BACK HERE.
OH, NO.
THIS AIN'T GONNA END GOOD.
EVEN THOUGH I'M THE LEADER OF
THIS OUTFIT, I'M NOT GOING DOWN
ON THIS ONE.
THE MAN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS
MR. VIETNAM VET OUT THERE.
HEY, Y'ALL HOLD UP.
STOP RIGHT THERE.
YOU, STEP DOWN ONTO THE CEMENT.
DON'T MOVE.
RAISE YOUR HANDS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE ME GO
BACK IN THAT RV ARE YOU?
HEY, HE'S THE ONE THAT COOKED
IT.
I WAS COOKIN' THE VIETNAM
SPECIAL.
IS THAT WHAT THAT SMELL IS?
THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT
SMELL YOU'RE
GOIN... THAT'S WHY I
WAS RIDIN' BACK THERE.
I SAW THIS DOG HEADED TOWARD
THAT RV AND I THOUGHT, OH, MY
GOODNESS.
THIS COULD BE THE END OF THIS
DOG'S CAREER.
OKAY.
SIR, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET
BACK IN THERE WITH THEM AND GO
HOME.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
SI, YOU'D LIKED TO GET YOUR
BUTT THROWN IN JAIL.
ALL RIGHT, CRACK THE WINDOWS AND
LETS GET OUT OF HERE.
I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S REST.
AND GET UP FOR DUCK COMMANDER
SUNDAY.
GET ME AWAY FROM THESE GUYS.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WUSSIES
COULDN'T HANDLE A LITTLE
JALEPENO PEPPER.
THANK YOU FATHER, FOR BEING
THERE FOR US.
I PRAY FOR EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM
AND THAT THEY WOULD ENJOY A
LOVING, PEACE-FILLED LIFE WHILE
THEY'RE ON THE PLANET.
AMEN.
All: AMEN.
THE BIBLE SAYS TO BE SLOW TO
ANGER AND QUICK TO FORGIVE,
WHICH IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER
ESPECIALLY WITH MY FAMILY.
WE MAY BE A LITTLE HESITANT AT
FIRST, BUT ONE THING WE DO WELL
IS TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN.
WHETHER IT'S SAVING KAY FROM AN
ENORMOUS MAN-EATING GATOR OR
LETTING THE GUYS BORROW MY RV
FOR A ROAD TRIP, THE ROBERTSONS
ALWAYS COME THROUGH FOR ONE
ANOTHER.
EVEN IF IT IS AS SIMPLE AS
FORGIVING.
HEY, WILLIE, SORRY ABOUT THAT
SMELL IN YOUR RV.
I FORGIVE YOU.
REALLY?
NO!